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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just:Tailor Made Wisdom: The Art of Balanced Decisions 1.29.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Another example of this idea of balance and 421 on the bottom,
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  we said sometimes you have to rebuke someone, which feels like
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  it's a tough thing and it's an aggressive item.
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  But at times, if you're in the right position and you're right
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  person, it's actually a better thing, will lead to more peace
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  and more productivity if you rebuke rather than remaining
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  silent. And then he says, how many
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  times, however, did he have the opposite?
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  Your people rebuke in times when they're not being listened and
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  they only caused fights. The compa Mimi Canes Adam Locher
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  hater in the Macomb. How many times you have people
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  who are getting angry, they're getting frustrated.
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  They start yelling about something Obis man a situation
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  or a time was ineffective. Obis Manche and de Baranesh
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  Mahima situation time where his words will not be heard.
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  They got Emland late, but it's your Ted vision.
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  What you trigger actually is more sinning with Khalil Hashem
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  and Mohalil Hashem Lazif alhatatam pesha, the people,
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  these people to create Mohali Hashem by aiding to the sin.
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  So we know sometimes rebuking is is effective.
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  Many, many times it backfires. Well, that seems to have the
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  hatred or you. Can't hear from Jack.
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  It'd be very pure when it comes to all aggressive means.
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  That doesn't mean you don't have to be aggressive, but it does
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  mean exactly, but it does mean. Now when you're being
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  aggressive, recognize the fact that sometimes it's very
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  necessary as he's telling you and sometimes it's she being
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  effective. He never gives up his anal
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  mental has to do with stalk in such type situations.
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  As much as you're really want to say your point and you're
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  watching something be done and not the way it was done years
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  ago and those types of comments that we all have.
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  Even so the best thing to do is to remain 7.
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  Now how do you know? We discussed every how you know,
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  but it's really something you have to deal with, which is to
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  figure out that there's no one-size-fits-all.
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  This is one of the reasons and when people ask advice, they
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  need to be very honest with the person they're asking and honest
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  with themselves. I've heard many, many times,
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  ready many times where people came to me and say, you know,
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  I'm doing this. And by the way, so and so told
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  me to do it. It's a good thing.
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  He told me I have to do it. He told me it's a mitzvah and
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  they're quoted good people do it.
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  Many times they're quoting good people.
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  How do you explain when you know someone is doing something that
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  seems wrong and they're quoting solid sources, great sources,
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  whether it be laymen, rabbis get to a lean even, and you kind of
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  have a sense that even though they're calling such people,
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  they may not be doing the right thing.
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  How's it possible, the way it's possible?
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  It's not because the rappers are not Saints or they're not
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  geniuses. They're not not.
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  That's true. But still the rappers have a, a,
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  a tadishmaya that gives them strength to their words.
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  Great strength to the words. You have an example.
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  I have examples on a mind I don't want to answer.
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  It may answer your question if a guy has someone an opinion about
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  a certain. There are many examples you can
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  think of all sorts of types of whether it be a dispute or it's
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  a marriage dispute, a business dispute, a family issue, a or
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  job to take these types of things.
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  They ask great people and often times at times I want to say
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  often and at times their advice that they got.
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  I'm a great person seems off. In fact, I was with my wife at
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  Israel. This is an example.
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  I'm answered all by a certain question.
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  And the rabbi gave me an answer. He's a great man.
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  And the rabbi gave me an answer. And my wife said, why'd you ask
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  the question that way? OK, She said, because you led to
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  an answer that she didn't like. And she's right.
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  Actually. It wasn't the kind of answer
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  that's appropriate for me. So what does that mean?
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  That means don't ask. No, it means be honest to
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  recognizing that you need to have a balance.
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  And every person has a different answer and every person has a
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  different situation. And unless you ask someone only,
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  either explain to him the whole case or he knows you very well,
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  or maybe he's trying to get a general to the opinion.
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  Don't just go by the drive by answer.
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  There's been much destruction out there from drive by answers.
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  You need to have real thought out person by person literally
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  tailor made for you question and answer.
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  Why is that the case? Shouldn't the IT be A1 size fits
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  all answer is no. This idea of balance pruning
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  has. That in a rabbi
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  one-size-fits-all Rabbi. You have to follow your rabbi
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  and. Things like, that's something
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  else, which means if you're going to you, you want to.
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  It's a different concept. You know, when you're making a
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  decision, it's more like which direction of life do you choose?
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  Often times people go. Often that people go and they
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  have a certain rabbit and that becomes their path in life, and
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  very often they mirror their rabbi if they want to copy him a
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  lot of ways easily is a whole thing.
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  It becomes the whole world. That's a different concept.
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  That's not deciding a specific case, case by case.
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  The guy wants to know, take that job.
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  Don't take that job. Rabbi, keep well.
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  Does rabbi know your temperament as you know that he has to know
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  everything 'cause there is a level of see a Titus mash and
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  Hoffs as you know your temperament does you know?
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  You shall go and buy it somewhat.
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  Does he know what kind of money do you need?
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  As you know your self esteem situation where maybe that job
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  is not is demeaning for you. If he does know all that or if
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  he does have a good picture on people, then you take their
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  answer. But if you just simply ask him
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  what's better, this or that and it's one of those, then often
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  times an answer could be actually be not the answer for
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  you. And why is it the case?
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  Isn't that pure and perfect? It is, but it's also a concept
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  of tailor made. Every person's got a different
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  balance and a different situation.
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  Shouldn't send back to these points, these examples he gave
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  us over here. Should you protest something
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  that's off or should you not? All depends.
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  If your protest is going to make you look like a crazy person and
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  people are just going to write you off and you can have no
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  effect, there's no purpose in our protest.
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  Even if you're standing on the right side, history doesn't make
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  a difference. You're not doing anything on the
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  other times, maybe that protest or display to the world that
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  there's another side. And even if it's ineffective
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  right now, maybe in history, over time that'll make a
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  difference and every case is different.
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  But every person needs to realize that.
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  Does it balance your situation and balance your decision and it
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  requires thinking through to a great degree.
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  That's the point to that. It's great, it's true, it's
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  real, and it has to develop by you as Taylor mate and every
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  person, one person can have one ruling, another one can have
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  another one. It's not simply is fact.
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  Even then, there are times you take give a guy a loophole, you
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  don't give another person a loophole.
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  That's a little clear, but decisions, advice, wisdom, every
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  person's got their own mold and both the rabbis need you
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  understand that and the great ones do apply that.
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  And at the same time, we need to understand that our own mold is
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  unique and balanced. Now what do I do with this?
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  How do I make any move in life? That is how it works.
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  You have to wave the odds. You have to go back to those
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  three steps because of this fact.
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  You can't just read a rule book and say it says that over here.
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  You take even people that say nowadays who talk about certain
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  lines of work not getting more detailed, A, because some of
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  this in the lines of work and B, because, you know, my opinion
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  has changed a bit. Even people talk about lines of
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  work happens to be very often. It's a very convenient opinion,
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  which means you're not in the line of work, you know you your
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  fault as a company, whatever it may be.
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  You don't need to go there yet, one person or another.
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  And that makes the opinion a bit more convenient.
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  It doesn't mean you can't have a view, but I've seen so many
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  times that people who stood on that soapbox and preach are now
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  doing exactly what they preach. They preach against.
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  How's the puzzle? Are they sketch?
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  No, that's sketch. They just didn't know they
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  weren't really facing life when they gave their opinions the
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  same way people give opinions at often times against those who
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  are not exactly that way. They never give opinions about
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  their own way. I'm a big time, you know,
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  follow, I told you all the time I follow, you know, these, these
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  talk radio and these things, these different, all these
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  different pundits. And you find over and over again
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  that all they're doing is bashing the other side.
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  And even as it seems, in fact, the only person who's actually
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  better at this than most of these guys is the president.
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  He actually has a part of them that knows I want to continue
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  doing business. I can switch sides on a diet's
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  marketing, though. He's smart.
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  He knows what he's doing. These other guys are literally
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  they bashing and bashing the other side.
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  And oftentimes you don't realize the other side basically is
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  carrying opinions they used to hold of, right.
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  I mean, he could take, for example, not to get too
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  political. You take immigration, used to be
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  a while ago the Democrats, Democrats were pro deporting
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  certain people. Then their opinion shifted right
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  and now they're yelling and screaming and they're yelling
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  and screaming and opinions that they themselves or at least
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  their leaders held obviously. But that's one way and
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  Republicans the other way. This is how things worked.
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  But the idea is that president should realize why is that the
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  case? That's because the whole point
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  of these opinions were bashing the other side.
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  They didn't realize that there is another side.
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  Even these political opinions, there are still two sides.
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  Everything has two sides. Every person is not realizing
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  that everything requires a balance.
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  Everything requires weighing both odds.
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  They're going to make major mistakes.
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  That's true with opinions. It's true with points of view,
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  with protesting. It's true with rebuking.
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  You know, how many times have you know you've seen someone,
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  someone else's kid do something wrong and you feel like Katie's
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  following his parents disaster, the whole thing, They don't know
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  what they're doing. And then my own son does
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  something a little similar, right?
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  And here I'm thinking to myself, anyone ever says something like
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  that to my son, I'll be very upset at him.
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  But someone's old kid, they got me nervous right when they were
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  acting that way. How do you explain that?
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  How do you explain that? Their kid got me very nervous,
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  but my own child and I was feeling like it's only because
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  their parents are too passive on their children and they're
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  allowing it to happen all day. I have a whole picture on my
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  mind and then my own son does this exact same thing, No
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  picture. I don't want anyone to say a
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  word to him because the shoe was on the other foot and he
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  realized it's not as simple. That's how it works with points
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  of view. And that's the way to be a
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  little more delicate, a little bit more work through.
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  Let's even grow up. It's happening as the art.
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  That's how it works. Has to be a little bit more
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  worked out when it comes to your points of view and realizing
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  that nothing is that simple. So that tells me not to say a
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  word, never to have an opinion, right?
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  Am I making you freeze? But it doesn't say that.
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  What it says is think things through and they're not as cut
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  and dry as they are when you're standing on the other side.
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  That is the occasion, comes two points of view.
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  It's the case when it comes to protesting something, to
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  rebuking. It's the case as well when it
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  comes to advice. So it's.
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  Learning. Come out all day.
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  You're doing that. You have two opinions.
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  You're developing the topic. You're showing how.
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  That's how life goes. Life is the exact same way.
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  It's same way again what all people know and nothing.
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  And by the way, and you notice, I happen to notice presently,
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  those who learn a lot, their opinions are much more weave
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  through and then those who just give blanket statements.
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  I read books from advice, people who write things and I'm
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  listening, I'm reading these books, I'm thinking to myself,
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  even if they're, you know, total people, religious people.
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  Have I said that that's a great point, but it's way too
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  definitive. You're giving me a point.
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  I understand self help books are tried to have a they're trying
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  to carve a market. They're trying, they're trying
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  to what self help books do is they're trying to make the
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  entire world depending on that one idea, the one moment, the
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  one decision, the one minute. All right, all the things, you
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  know, the four, the four hour work week, whatever they give
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  you as key, Lou, that is the definition of success.
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  Fine, that's their book. That's the angle.
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  But when someone is a Twitter person, they cannot be, in my
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  humble opinion, so definitive in their statements because you
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  know what, it's true for you. It's not true for me.
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  If I would tell you this, how it works with every father's got to
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  give his kids 10 minutes a day. And you know what?
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  If you don't give your kids 10 minutes a day, each child,
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  forget about it. Disaster that might be for that
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  father. But the other father might be a
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  beautiful job on Shabbat, might have a wonderful Friday night
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  table and an amazing Shabbat morning meal.
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  He might do a great job bringing his kids to school, or maybe
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  even less than that. Maybe his Sundays are amazing.
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  I don't know. Everyone's got their own ankle.
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  It's not as cut and dry as people love to make it.
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  I don't blame myself. All books written by non Jews or
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  Jews of that matter doesn't matter.
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  Written by people that are trying to give an angle to the
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  world, I don't blame them. Happens to be that over time I
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  got a little nervous on those books because every time I read
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  one of those books that make it look at the whole world is
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  dependent on that one point. As if everything boils down to
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  that one angle. The entire world is not boiled
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  down to your 4 hour workweek. Whatever they call that book.
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  It doesn't boil down to, you know, your idea that I don't
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  know, savor only those moments. Not that's not the entire life.
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  So those cell phone books, personally, even though I I
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  enjoy them and it's angles that are very interesting and not no
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  one point is a be all handle. If you read them in a way of
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  saying, let me try that, Let me try that.
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  I apply that great if you read them as if you're buying into
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  the concept. I know someone who has ups and
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  downs in life and every once in a while it tells me about
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  another book and another book, another book and being to
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  myself. These books are not you know
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  they're not your answer, not because they don't have tada
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  involved in them. It's not the point.
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  It's because it's not that simple.
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  How that's what how you worked. How do you live life?
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  The answer is really this is part of the reason why there's a
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  concept called shimush. What's shimush?
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  Shimush is following a person, watching an individual right on
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  the way of life. Why is that more important than
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  just their word? Because when you watch people,
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  great people, over time you learn this idea exactly that
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  they can in one scenario, give one, one angle.
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  One person comes in and asks them what should I do in the
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  situation? They rabbi tells them listen
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  your wife for you. The way you have to respond to
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  that situation is after a while, don't continue the conversation.
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  Just stop it. Don't continue the conversation
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  because it's going on a rabbit hole.
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  I end up leading to more issues and the other husband, the rabbi
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  is going to tell her, listen for your wife, you have to address
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  the issues. You have to talk her, talk out
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  with her. How could he give two different
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  advice to the people? The answer is the whole makeup
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  is different. The wife is different, the
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  husband is different, the structure is different.
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  Maybe one man is a very, you know, very sweet guy.
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  And if he goes down that road, he'll be abused.
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  And the other man is too much of A hotline person.
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  If he goes down the road of not talking to her, he'll end up
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  verbally abusing her. And the rabbi realizes there's a
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  path that requires weaving. And we have to realize
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  ourselves, well, those are shin cases, but ourselves as as well,
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  every one of us has to recognize based on our experience and
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  watching other great people for a long time, you learn about the
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  path. And it's hard to explain how
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  clear this is, but it's unbelievably clear that there
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  are those who believe you just adapt the word.
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  Someone says something, you take it to the bank.
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  And then there are those who realize you adapt to the life
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  you've witnessed and the lives and you can learn from a lot of
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  people, thank God. And you watch and you learn, you
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  listen and you develop and you're moulding and you realize
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  it's not simply one size fits old.
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  It has to be tailor made from that person and in fact has to
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  be absorbed in a tailor made way as well.
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  This is, in my opinion, all the most important things a person
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  can realize. And suddenly you can develop and
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  develop and develop. And eventually all the time
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  you're going to be the source to other people 'cause they're
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  going to watch. They're going to be watching a
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  person who's living life the same way.
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  You know, this boils down to one last point, then we'll stop.
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  And that last point is the concept of being an original.
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  Being an original is a fundamental thing in life.
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  There are copycats and there are originals, and the difference
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  between a copycat and original is not too noticeable
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  originally. But over time you start
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  noticing, oh geez, as they call them, original.
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  People don't make the same mistakes that copycats make.
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  Why do copycats make Morse mistakes?
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  Because they think so and so do this.
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  I'm going to do the same thing even though it's going down the
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  wrong Rd. But I'm following my leader.
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  I'm following what he told me. I'm following what he does.
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  You have to follow with the recognition that you want to
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  adopt his life, not adopt his one move.
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  If you adopt his one move, then it's a dangerous zone.
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  If you adopt his life, you end up creating your own original
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  mold and you create your own tail and made like yourself.
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  I was like.