Latest / We Are More: Sisters Talk Faith & Feminism / Ep. 22: Is He Really That Helpless?

Transcript

Ep. 22: Is He Really That Helpless? · We Are More: Sisters Talk Faith & Feminism

• 0:00
  Welcome to the We Are More podcast.
• 0:13
  My name is Alyssa.
• 0:15
  And my name is Bri.
• 0:16
  We are two sisters passionate about all things faith and feminism.
• 0:20
  We believe that Jesus trusted, respected, and encouraged women to teach and preach His
• 0:25
  word.
• 0:26
  And apparently that's controversial.
• 0:28
  Get comfy.
• 0:30
  Hello.
• 0:31
  Hello.
• 0:32
  It's us.
• 0:33
  If you're wondering why Bri's going to get sued, it's because she was singing a Taylor
• 0:47
  Swift song a second ago.
• 0:49
  And I asked if we could record it.
• 0:50
  She said no.
• 0:51
  Alyssa's the problem, it's her.
• 0:55
  Not me.
• 0:56
  Hi.
• 0:57
  I'm your national treasure.
• 0:58
  I don't think you'll get sued for that.
• 1:02
  I think you're okay.
• 1:03
  Maybe Nicolas Cage would sue me.
• 1:06
  I don't think he like owns the copyright to those movies.
• 1:09
  Think he could find a way?
• 1:11
  Maybe.
• 1:12
  He did find a way to steal the Constitution.
• 1:14
  He did.
• 1:16
  He found a way.
• 1:18
  With Disney's help.
• 1:19
  Oh, Disney could sue me.
• 1:20
  Oh no.
• 1:21
  Speaking of Disney, we're getting ready right now.
• 1:27
  When you listen to this, we'll be back from Disney, we'll be really, really severely depressed.
• 1:31
  We'll be in a state of despair.
• 1:37
  That sounds so dramatic, but she's not kidding.
• 1:39
  I'm not kidding.
• 1:41
  But right now when we're recording it, we are, what, two days away?
• 1:45
  Two or three days away, yeah, from flying out.
• 1:48
  Yes.
• 1:49
  So we're very excited.
• 1:50
  And we're also incredibly stressed out.
• 1:52
  Yeah.
• 1:53
  I was going to say, I'm not, but I am.
• 1:56
  You are.
• 1:57
  We all are.
• 1:58
  We're trying desperately to get packed, get my kids packed.
• 2:04
  My husband is somehow already packed and I hate him a little bit for it.
• 2:07
  I think we should do a whole podcast on packing boys versus girls.
• 2:12
  It's like trading spaces.
• 2:14
  Boys versus girls.
• 2:15
  That was a good shot.
• 2:18
  Trading suitcases.
• 2:19
  Oh, yeah, I wouldn't be able to survive.
• 2:22
  It's just so frustrating.
• 2:23
  So he got his suitcase completely packed the other day and it was just his clothes.
• 2:29
  He got all his clothes packed and he was like, oh yeah, I'm almost done.
• 2:32
  And I said, well no, you just have your clothes packed.
• 2:35
  And he was like, yeah, I'm almost done.
• 2:38
  I just have a couple things left.
• 2:39
  And I was like, can you imagine women out there, your clothes are in your suitcase and
• 2:44
  you're just done?
• 2:45
  You're good to go.
• 2:46
  No, I have probably an entire suitcase just of extra crap that I need.
• 2:51
  Clothes are an afterthought.
• 2:53
  Wait, when I put my clothes in, I have to assume that I need at least half the suitcase
• 2:58
  left to put the other crap in.
• 3:01
  Yeah.
• 3:02
  Speaking of which, I need to go to Target later if you want to come.
• 3:04
  I'll come to Target.
• 3:08
  So if you're playing your drinking game today, check that little box.
• 3:13
  Two basic girls want to go to Target and Starbucks.
• 3:17
  Wow.
• 3:18
  Are we shocked?
• 3:19
  We're not shocked.
• 3:20
  We're not.
• 3:21
  But we're trying to get everything ready.
• 3:22
  We're trying and like in the midst of this, Bri and I are working and Nathan is working
• 3:27
  and yesterday, so two days ago, we had a terrible, terrible storm.
• 3:32
  Terrible, terrible, terrible.
• 3:34
  It was really, really bad wind.
• 3:37
  I think they said somewhere in Michigan was like 65 mile per hour winds.
• 3:40
  I don't know if that was here.
• 3:41
  A terrible, no good, very bad storm.
• 3:43
  How many references can we back in the first five minutes?
• 3:47
  I've never seen that actually.
• 3:49
  Well, it's probably okay.
• 3:50
  It's a children's movie.
• 3:51
  Is it a movie or is it a book?
• 3:52
  It started as a book.
• 3:53
  And now it's a movie.
• 3:54
  Yeah.
• 3:55
  Anyway, so there was this really bad storm.
• 4:00
  We didn't lose power.
• 4:01
  We very rarely lose power here.
• 4:03
  We didn't lose power.
• 4:04
  And then the next day, I had just gotten out of the shower, like two minutes before.
• 4:10
  And we're on a well, so like the water shuts down and the power goes out.
• 4:15
  And it went out the whole rest of the day.
• 4:18
  It was very inconvenient.
• 4:20
  Yeah.
• 4:21
  So we had to go over to our parents' house, hang out there all day, which is fine.
• 4:26
  But then we didn't get to pack and get stuff done.
• 4:28
  Yeah.
• 4:29
  If it had been like another day, it would have been kind of fun, you know, watch movie,
• 4:33
  which we did anyway.
• 4:34
  We watched movie, had popcorn.
• 4:36
  We watched Coco.
• 4:37
  We did.
• 4:38
  So we're getting into the Disney spirit.
• 4:41
  The Disney who-do-woon spirit.
• 4:42
  We're a bunch of freaks.
• 4:44
  We are very strange, but we're a great time.
• 4:46
  Yeah.
• 4:47
  I would go say all of those people out there who spend so much of their time with us.
• 4:55
  At this point, let's see, this will be episode 22.
• 4:59
  Taylor Swift!
• 5:00
  Here we go.
• 5:02
  Don't sue me.
• 5:03
  So that means if you've listened to all of our episodes, now some of them are a little
• 5:06
  bit shorter, but you've spent close to 22 hours with Bree and I.
• 5:11
  I'm sorry.
• 5:12
  Do you need help?
• 5:13
  Do you need therapy?
• 5:15
  Are we your therapy?
• 5:16
  Maybe we are.
• 5:18
  Dr. Bree.
• 5:20
  Hey, it's coming full circle.
• 5:22
  Full circle.
• 5:23
  You can be Dr. Alyssa.
• 5:25
  That's okay.
• 5:26
  That sounds more like sort of like a TV therapist and I don't really like those people.
• 5:30
  You're right.
• 5:31
  I'll be your TV therapist.
• 5:35
  This is not the TV Bree, this is a podcast.
• 5:37
  What?
• 5:38
  I thought they could see us this whole time.
• 5:42
  We joke about that, but we do act like they can see us.
• 5:44
  I know.
• 5:45
  We talk to the computer directly.
• 5:47
  Hello, friends.
• 5:49
  I point at the computer, I reference the computer.
• 5:53
  It's a mess.
• 5:54
  We're a mess.
• 5:55
  But we're a fun mess.
• 5:59
  So today...
• 6:00
  Today I feel like is going to be a little bit informal episode.
• 6:05
  Episode?
• 6:06
  Yeah, that's what we're calling them.
• 6:09
  As opposed to what?
• 6:11
  I don't know.
• 6:14
  We're just mostly going to be chatting.
• 6:17
  So pretend, pull up a chair, grab your coffee and your will to live.
• 6:23
  And we're just going to have a chat about weaponized incompetence.
• 6:30
  Nice light topic.
• 6:31
  Light, airy, breezy, easy, beautiful cover girl.
• 6:37
  Yet another reference, but we're outside of the five minute mark so I don't think that
• 6:41
  one counts.
• 6:42
  Darn.
• 6:43
  Yeah, so weaponizing competence has been kind of like a hot button buzzword topic for up
• 6:48
  in the past, I would say, like year and a half.
• 6:52
  Yeah, it's been around for a while.
• 6:54
  Especially on social media.
• 6:56
  Where on social media, Bri?
• 6:58
  TikTok.
• 7:00
  We love TikTok.
• 7:01
  We have a problem.
• 7:02
  Mostly you.
• 7:03
  I love TikTok.
• 7:04
  I'm on there a lot.
• 7:06
  I'm just trolling.
• 7:08
  I'm also in charge of the TikTok for our office and lately I've been such a troll.
• 7:14
  I don't think you can say that.
• 7:19
  Like part of building your audience on your business's social media is also like engaging
• 7:25
  with other whatever.
• 7:27
  And I've just been commenting on like one of the restaurants that's in downtown Fenton.
• 7:32
  I was like, they posted a picture of a burger.
• 7:34
  I was like, oh, looks like you would need some floss after that guy.
• 7:38
  I commented on someone's picture of their dog.
• 7:41
  I'm like, can I pet that dog?
• 7:43
  Can you imagine just some dental office commenting that?
• 7:47
  My goal is to be like Wendy's.
• 7:49
  Honestly, that's terrifying.
• 7:50
  Wendy's social media is great.
• 7:51
  They are great.
• 7:52
  They're so funny.
• 7:53
  Are they on TikTok?
• 7:54
  They probably are.
• 7:56
  I don't know, but they were on Twitter or X, whatever you want to call it.
• 8:00
  Yeah, they were really good on there.
• 8:01
  All right, tell me about weaponized incompetence now that we've gone over your TikTok history.
• 8:09
  I just think social media in general is cool because it's opening up avenues for people.
• 8:15
  We're a feminist podcast, so women specifically talking to each other, seeing is what they're
• 8:22
  dealing with common.
• 8:24
  Is it normal?
• 8:25
  Should they be concerned?
• 8:26
  Have you ever been on Reddit?
• 8:29
  That's a nightmare.
• 8:30
  Oh, that's a frightening space.
• 8:31
  But you can find out anything.
• 8:32
  Right.
• 8:33
  Well, I think it's back in the day, whatever day that would be.
• 8:38
  Back in the day.
• 8:40
  It was easy to wind up in your little box, especially as women because in the past women
• 8:46
  weren't working as much, things like that.
• 8:48
  They were very isolated.
• 8:50
  What they were experiencing, they didn't know, are other people dealing with this too?
• 8:56
  Right.
• 8:57
  Weaponized incompetence is one of those things that you're like, oh, this isn't okay.
• 9:03
  Yeah, but it takes a minute.
• 9:04
  It does.
• 9:05
  So the definition, if you're unfamiliar with what that means, I looked it up on, what did
• 9:10
  I say it was on?
• 9:12
  The internet.
• 9:13
  The internet.
• 9:14
  Oh, I forgot the word.
• 9:15
  I think it's on like psychology today or something like that.
• 9:18
  It says weaponized incompetence, also called strategic incompetence, is when someone knowingly
• 9:25
  or unknowingly demonstrates an inability to perform or master certain tasks, thereby leading
• 9:31
  others to take on more work.
• 9:33
  This generally occurs in two domains, in the household between partners and at work between
• 9:37
  colleagues.
• 9:38
  Consistently weaponized incompetence leads to an unequal division of labor.
• 9:44
  But it's not just husbands and men that do this.
• 9:48
  Women do it too.
• 9:49
  So I don't want to give too much hate on all the men.
• 9:52
  I think stereotypically it is attributed to men more than women, but it definitely is
• 10:00
  not gender specific.
• 10:02
  So I think situations like doing the dishes, knowing how to cook.
• 10:08
  The household kind of stuff.
• 10:09
  Yeah.
• 10:10
  If a man doesn't want to take care of it, he's either going to pretend that he's bad
• 10:15
  at it or just be like, but you're so great.
• 10:20
  Your cooking is so good.
• 10:22
  It's just delicious when that really puts a lot of pressure on your partner and you're
• 10:29
  knowingly or unknowingly, you know, abusing them.
• 10:33
  Yeah.
• 10:34
  I remember that that makes me think back to my childhood.
• 10:37
  So when we were kids, mom would say, Alyssa, can you vacuum for me?
• 10:42
  And I despise vacuuming.
• 10:44
  Okay.
• 10:45
  I don't know why, but it was just one of those things I just did not want to do.
• 10:48
  She made me do it like every day.
• 10:51
  And I'm sorry, mom, that was totally reasonable of you to ask, but I just really hated it.
• 10:57
  But the way she would get me to it, because I would be like, mom, why can't Bree do it?
• 11:01
  Why can't Brandon do it?
• 11:03
  Why is it always me?
• 11:04
  And she was like, you're just the best at it.
• 11:07
  You're just so good at vacuuming.
• 11:12
  That positive reinforcement.
• 11:15
  That's what totally offshoot, but that's what that makes me think of.
• 11:19
  There was someone I worked with way back in the day that hated vacuuming at the office.
• 11:24
  And at the office, we have to vacuum every single day.
• 11:27
  One would hope.
• 11:28
  And she would purposely run the vacuum into the baseboards and scuff up the baseboards,
• 11:34
  knowing that our previous employer hated that.
• 11:39
  Pet peeve.
• 11:40
  Like you would have died.
• 11:42
  So then she didn't have to vacuum anymore because she was so terrible at it.
• 11:45
  But I think that happens so often in households where it's like you can and you are able to
• 11:55
  complete a task or learn how to complete a task, but you actively choose not to or to
• 12:00
  be terrible at it to manipulate the other person into doing more work.
• 12:03
  Well, you think of laundry in particular, and I can't tell you how many times I've
• 12:08
  heard, my husband just doesn't know how to work the washer.
• 12:12
  He doesn't know what buttons to push or what washer fluid to put in or whatever, like what
• 12:18
  soap to put in.
• 12:20
  And it's like this person is like a high ranking employee.
• 12:25
  They can figure it out.
• 12:26
  Like, I'm sorry, they have an engineering degree.
• 12:30
  They can figure it out.
• 12:32
  My question is always what happens if the spouse that does all the work, whether it's
• 12:38
  the husband or the wife, what happens if they die?
• 12:40
  Yeah, you're screwed.
• 12:42
  Like if they die, is that other person not going to figure out how to do the laundry?
• 12:47
  No, they are going to figure out how to do their laundry.
• 12:50
  They're currently choosing not to.
• 12:54
  And if it's worst case scenario, let's say that you really don't know how to work your
• 13:00
  washer or dryer.
• 13:02
  That's just not ever been on your radar.
• 13:04
  I still don't think it's great to put on your partner, like you have to teach me how to
• 13:09
  do all of these things that a normal adult would do.
• 13:11
  But I can also almost guarantee that your partner would rather you come to them and
• 13:15
  say, hey, could you teach me one time how to do this so that in the future I can take
• 13:20
  this on?
• 13:22
  I can almost guarantee they would prefer that over you just saying, well, that's just beyond
• 13:29
  my comprehension.
• 13:30
  That's outside of my bubble.
• 13:31
  No, thank you.
• 13:34
  I was listening to this podcast earlier where this girl was talking about her growing up
• 13:38
  experience.
• 13:39
  Her mom was in the military, so she would get deployed for seven to 10 months at a time.
• 13:44
  And when she had her mom deployed, it was her dad who was taking care of everything.
• 13:49
  But there was such a difference with mom being there taking care of things and dad being
• 13:54
  there and taking care of things.
• 13:55
  It was like hamburger helper every single night.
• 13:58
  And she had to take on several of the roles because she was the oldest girl sibling.
• 14:04
  She had to take on doing laundry and making sure her siblings made their lunches or make
• 14:08
  their siblings lunches.
• 14:11
  I just feel like that's not fair.
• 14:14
  There shouldn't be too much of a difference because you both should be fully capable of
• 14:18
  handling yourselves.
• 14:19
  And that's not to say that you have to be like this spectacular cook or anything, but
• 14:23
  you can, I think most people can follow a recipe if they try a few times.
• 14:30
  You can have a list of five things that you can make.
• 14:34
  Or just like, you know that your kids need vegetables.
• 14:36
  Feed them vegetables.
• 14:37
  Yeah.
• 14:38
  Even if it's cut up a raw vegetable, okay.
• 14:42
  I think when that, I hear about that so often.
• 14:47
  Oh, when mom is doing bedtime or whatever, all these things get done.
• 14:53
  It's almost the opposite for me.
• 14:55
  Nathan is a lot more detail oriented with that stuff.
• 14:58
  But when mom puts the kids to bed, they get their face washed, they get their teeth brushed,
• 15:03
  they take their shower, they get their pajamas on, they go to bed, they get their story,
• 15:07
  they get whatever.
• 15:09
  And when dad puts them to bed, it's like, go to bed.
• 15:13
  And that's it.
• 15:15
  And obviously that's not the case for everyone's household, but that is weaponized incompetence.
• 15:22
  That is you doing a poor job when your partner's not around or when your partner is not able
• 15:28
  to do the job so that you don't get asked to do it next time.
• 15:33
  It's like that episode of Bluey.
• 15:36
  We love Bluey.
• 15:37
  We love Bluey.
• 15:38
  So, everybody knows what Bluey is.
• 15:41
  I'm not going to explain it, but the kids, they're going to the pool without their mom,
• 15:47
  right?
• 15:48
  Yes.
• 15:49
  Oh, yes.
• 15:50
  That's a good example.
• 15:51
  The dad takes the kids to the pool and he forgets the sunscreen and he forgets the water
• 15:54
  wings and he forgets the snacks.
• 15:57
  All of this stuff, they pretty much just were able to get themselves to the pool.
• 16:01
  And then mom showed up with all of the things that they forgot.
• 16:04
  It actually wasn't even that he forgot them.
• 16:06
  He intentionally said, that stuff's no fun.
• 16:11
  Let's just go.
• 16:12
  And the kids were like, yeah, mom's no fun.
• 16:15
  She makes us pack all these things and whatever.
• 16:18
  And I do think Bluey is, as a rule, a really good example of a good marriage and a good
• 16:22
  family.
• 16:23
  But it is interesting to see those dynamics.
• 16:26
  Real life situations on a kid's cartoon.
• 16:29
  Yeah, about dogs.
• 16:30
  If you've never seen Bluey, it is a treasure.
• 16:35
  Oh my gosh, it's a national treasure.
• 16:38
  Just like Nicolas Cage bringing it full circle.
• 16:40
  Just like myself.
• 16:41
  Full circle, circle.
• 16:42
  Full circle, circle.
• 16:43
  We've got so many things going on.
• 16:50
  There's a song called Labor, actually, by Paris Paloma.
• 16:54
  I don't know for sure that I'm pronouncing her name correct.
• 16:58
  I think you got Paris down, probably.
• 17:00
  It could be Paris.
• 17:01
  Paris Paloma.
• 17:02
  Is that offensive?
• 17:03
  Probably.
• 17:04
  Probably.
• 17:05
  At the end of this, we're not going to ask them to share this with the people in France.
• 17:12
  Don't share this with the people in France.
• 17:13
  Or Canada.
• 17:14
  Also fair.
• 17:16
  But still looking for Australia.
• 17:18
  Bluey, hey.
• 17:19
  Bluey takes place in Australia.
• 17:20
  Did you know?
• 17:24
  Anyways, one of the quotes from that song.
• 17:32
  It's a very good song.
• 17:33
  It cusses once.
• 17:34
  I'm just putting it out there.
• 17:35
  It's a super depressing song.
• 17:37
  Oh, it's very depressing because it's like just a mirror on society.
• 17:42
  But one of the quotes is, I know you're a smart man and weaponize the false incompetence,
• 17:48
  dominance under a guise, which I think is so powerful.
• 17:52
  Like, oh you're just so much better at planning vacations.
• 17:57
  Oh, you're just so much better at packing the kids lunches than I am.
• 18:02
  It's asserting dominance by acting passive.
• 18:06
  Well it's like those things are not important enough for me to figure out how to do them.
• 18:13
  So I'm going to let you take that on.
• 18:16
  And I think the guise that that comes under is, I'm going to give you control.
• 18:22
  I'm going to give you control and then you can do whatever you want.
• 18:25
  You do whatever you want.
• 18:26
  You fold the clothes however you want.
• 18:28
  You do it great.
• 18:29
  So you do whatever you want.
• 18:30
  You plan the vacation however you want.
• 18:32
  You're just so good at it and you'll figure it out.
• 18:34
  I know you will.
• 18:36
  And so the idea is like the spouse that's behaving that way is giving the other partner
• 18:43
  the freedom to do what they want, but really they're giving them the bondage of having
• 18:48
  to handle all of these decisions.
• 18:51
  And that's exhausting.
• 18:54
  It's not fun to have to make every decision every time.
• 18:57
  No.
• 18:58
  And also you're concerned not just about yourself at that point.
• 19:02
  You're like, I want to make sure that this is done well for everybody.
• 19:07
  I want to make sure everybody is happy in this situation, not just me.
• 19:11
  Well, I mean we can talk about our Disney trip.
• 19:15
  I like to plan our Disney trips.
• 19:16
  I have a fun time doing it.
• 19:18
  But it can be really exhausting when I'll be like, oh hey, what does everybody want
• 19:22
  to do for dining reservations?
• 19:25
  And people will say, oh, I don't care.
• 19:26
  Whatever you want to do.
• 19:27
  You pick, you know, whatever.
• 19:28
  I'm guilty of this for sure.
• 19:31
  And it's just because they just don't want to think about it or deal with it.
• 19:34
  But in not thinking about or dealing with it, now I have to take everybody's voice that
• 19:41
  they're not even using.
• 19:42
  I have to take my knowledge about Bri and mom and dad and Nathan and everybody and think
• 19:48
  about, well, what might they like?
• 19:50
  Well, I don't want to decide on something they don't like.
• 19:52
  And it's like it all falls onto your shoulders.
• 19:57
  It's super exhausting.
• 20:00
  And that's just one small example.
• 20:03
  Everybody helps plan Disney, okay?
• 20:05
  It's fine.
• 20:06
  But that's an example of how it can for sure be.
• 20:10
  I watched a TikTok.
• 20:11
  I watched the TikTok.
• 20:12
  Alyssa!
• 20:13
  I know!
• 20:14
  Oh, is this on your bingo cards, everybody?
• 20:18
  No, it's you watching TikTok that's on the bingo cards.
• 20:21
  But this could be something new and different.
• 20:23
  Oh yeah, add this one to your bingo cards, folks.
• 20:26
  Bri, that could be part of our merch.
• 20:28
  That would be very funny.
• 20:30
  Printable bingo cards.
• 20:33
  And if you get a bingo, I'll send you a TikTok.
• 20:37
  Sounds great.
• 20:39
  That's a great price.
• 20:41
  It's really motivating.
• 20:43
  I have a really good sense of humor with TikTok, so I won't say it.
• 20:47
  Anyway, so I watched a TikTok.
• 20:50
  And I follow this guy.
• 20:52
  I need to look him up.
• 20:55
  Something on relationships.
• 20:56
  And basically what he does, and he does this on YouTube, TikTok, Facebook, all over the
• 21:01
  place.
• 21:02
  And he does these little skits, right?
• 21:03
  And he'll play the part of usually like he goes very stereotypical.
• 21:08
  So it'll be like the stereotypical husband and the stereotypical wife.
• 21:11
  And he puts on his little red wig when he's the stereotypical wife.
• 21:14
  And it's very funny.
• 21:16
  I know who you're talking about.
• 21:17
  Yeah, I think it's Jimmy on relationships.
• 21:19
  I think that's what it is.
• 21:20
  Oh, Jimmy.
• 21:21
  So he goes through these scenarios and what would be a detrimental conversation between
• 21:25
  a couple.
• 21:27
  And then he usually sits down as like their therapist or something and explains why that
• 21:33
  didn't work and what they could do better.
• 21:35
  So it's really good.
• 21:36
  I highly recommend it.
• 21:38
  But he did one where he was talking about essentially weaponizing competence.
• 21:43
  I don't think he said that, but basically.
• 21:46
  And so this couple had decided between them that dishes is going to be a shared chore.
• 21:53
  And the husband just wasn't doing it ever.
• 21:57
  And so she was doing them all the time, had asked him several times if he please could
• 22:02
  do what he had committed to doing.
• 22:04
  And he just, oh, I'm so tired at the end of the day, whatever.
• 22:08
  So it all kept falling on her, falling on her, falling on her.
• 22:11
  And finally, he comes up to her with his cup, like his apparently his one cup.
• 22:17
  Favorite cup.
• 22:18
  Favorite cup.
• 22:19
  It was not a Stanley, which is a little upsetting, but you know, embarrassing for him.
• 22:24
  And he goes, hey, how come my cup's not clean?
• 22:27
  And first of all, it was very accusatory.
• 22:30
  Why didn't you do this for me?
• 22:34
  And she was like, well, I say she, it's still Jimmy.
• 22:38
  He's just in a wig.
• 22:40
  But Jimmy has the wife.
• 22:43
  Is he, she says, well, you know, I, we decided that this was a shared chore and you haven't
• 22:54
  been keeping up your end of the deal.
• 22:56
  So I've decided only to wash my dishes and you can wash your own dishes.
• 23:01
  And the husband got very, very upset and was like, are you kidding me?
• 23:07
  This is so petty.
• 23:08
  It would take you 10 seconds to wash this one cup.
• 23:10
  It's just one cup.
• 23:11
  It wouldn't do that much damage to you.
• 23:13
  How come you can't just do this one thing for me?
• 23:16
  And so it goes on until like how it's not okay to then blame your partner.
• 23:21
  And I think that's a huge part of weaponized incompetence is to turn around and blame your
• 23:24
  partner for not doing the things for you that you could easily do for you.
• 23:31
  It would take her three extra seconds.
• 23:33
  Correct.
• 23:34
  It would also take you three seconds.
• 23:37
  So you are fully capable of doing it.
• 23:39
  And if you're not willing to share that burden with her, then you have to take care of yourself.
• 23:45
  Exactly.
• 23:46
  And I think that's where the partnership aspect comes in and where marriage is a partnership.
• 23:52
  A little tit for tat.
• 23:54
  Thank you for that.
• 23:55
  You'd think a lifetime watching us.
• 23:57
  Might have taught her that.
• 24:00
  Where's that one from?
• 24:01
  The Corpse Bride.
• 24:04
  You reference it all the time and I cannot remember it.
• 24:07
  I think that's where Christianity has played a big role in this because Christianity has
• 24:13
  told men your roles are not in the house.
• 24:19
  You don't have to do anything in this space.
• 24:21
  You walk in, you sit down in your easy chair, you open up the newspaper.
• 24:26
  This is a dated reference.
• 24:27
  You work so hard, nine to five job and then your job stops.
• 24:31
  Yes.
• 24:32
  Whereas her job started from the moment she woke up and whether she's working outside the
• 24:36
  home or not, her job is not going to end until she collapses in bed at night and sometimes
• 24:42
  not even then because the kids wake up.
• 24:43
  And I think we've spoken about this before, but in today's society it's very hard to have
• 24:49
  only one working parent.
• 24:52
  So more often than not you do have two working parents, but still all of the housework and
• 24:58
  taking care of the kids, all of that still falls on the wife.
• 25:02
  And most marriages for sure.
• 25:03
  Even though they're both working.
• 25:05
  Which is crazy to me.
• 25:07
  I've seen so many examples of that and I'm just like, do you think it's beneath you to
• 25:12
  help make dinner?
• 25:13
  Not even help, to make dinner because it's your responsibility too.
• 25:17
  Well and it's like, I'm going to do her a favor and order a pizza tonight.
• 25:22
  No, no, no, no, no.
• 25:25
  That's not a favor.
• 25:26
  And it's also your responsibility.
• 25:28
  Not that helpful.
• 25:29
  No!
• 25:30
  Make the dinner for goodness sakes.
• 25:32
  But I think that's where Christianity has, like I said, played such a huge role even
• 25:36
  in broader society to say this is a woman's role and this is a man's role and a man can't
• 25:45
  possibly be expected to learn how to clean a bathroom, to learn how to vacuum the floors
• 25:52
  or whatever, fill in the blank.
• 25:56
  And not to say that women aren't doing this sometimes too, it's just from our vantage
• 26:00
  point that's what we're seeing.
• 26:02
  I will say definitely it's, and like the definition said too, it's not just in relationships,
• 26:08
  it's also at work.
• 26:10
  And it's also women too.
• 26:11
  You can pump your own gas.
• 26:14
  Or you can learn to check your oil.
• 26:19
  Or you can paint the walls.
• 26:22
  You need your windshield wipers replaced.
• 26:24
  I can only think of car examples right now.
• 26:28
  But you can figure it out.
• 26:29
  You can go into an auto zone, you can ask the questions.
• 26:33
  It doesn't all have to be like, I just don't know how to do that silly old me.
• 26:38
  Brie has had car trouble for the 40th time this year, so that's why all of her examples
• 26:42
  are car related.
• 26:43
  Both my examples are car related, and I'm not in a relationship, so I do have to figure
• 26:47
  out a lot of this by myself.
• 26:49
  Even though I call dad a lot.
• 26:52
  You call me too.
• 26:53
  Yeah, help me!
• 26:56
  My car is cursed, everybody say a prayer.
• 26:58
  There's a ghost in it.
• 26:59
  I think we should name it.
• 27:01
  Another term that's floating around in there, which is not to be used interchangeably with
• 27:05
  weaponized incompetence.
• 27:06
  It says who?
• 27:07
  What if I wanna?
• 27:08
  You can't!
• 27:09
  Oh no.
• 27:10
  It's learned helplessness.
• 27:12
  Would you like me to read a definition of that as well?
• 27:17
  No.
• 27:18
  Long pause.
• 27:19
  I'm gonna anyways.
• 27:22
  Learned helplessness occurs when an individual continuously feels a negative, uncontrollable
• 27:31
  situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability
• 27:36
  to do so.
• 27:37
  The perception that one cannot control the situation essentially elicits a passive response
• 27:43
  to the harm that is occurring.
• 27:45
  Okay, so give me a practical real life example of that.
• 27:49
  So when I read this on Psychology Today, it said think of a smoker trying to quit smoking.
• 27:55
  They've tried all the gum and they've tried all the whatever, and they just feel like
• 27:59
  nothing's working and I can't help it anymore.
• 28:02
  I cannot stop.
• 28:04
  Even though they can stop, they have the tools at their disposal to help them stop, but they've
• 28:10
  decided that they can't control the situation anymore and they cannot.
• 28:14
  My example would be in very, very, very fundamental Christian relationships.
• 28:25
  A lot of the times, because they think the wife needs to submit to the husband, they
• 28:31
  also think they need to break the wife's will.
• 28:35
  This is abusive, this is not okay, but that person who quote unquote needs to be broken
• 28:43
  eventually thinks, I can't control my situation.
• 28:47
  There's something wrong with me.
• 28:49
  It's my fault that he's acting this way.
• 28:52
  I can't change.
• 28:53
  I'm stuck with him forever because what good would I be on my own?
• 28:58
  The reality is you have every tool at your disposal to change your situation, to go forth
• 29:04
  and be free.
• 29:06
  You're smart and you have people surrounding you that will help you.
• 29:11
  Even if you think that you don't, you do.
• 29:16
  You know?
• 29:20
  Me personally, in my job, in my career, I am a dental assistant.
• 29:34
  I do some other stuff, but right now I'm a dental assistant.
• 29:37
  Be the director of operations.
• 29:38
  Let's take a few steps back here.
• 29:41
  I started out as a dental assistant at a dental office after I graduated college.
• 29:46
  I thought because I had been there for so long and this is all that I know how to do,
• 29:52
  that this is all I can do.
• 29:54
  I'm stuck in this situation now because I don't have any experience doing anything else.
• 29:58
  I'm just stuck in this bad situation.
• 30:00
  Y'all don't need to hear all the ins and outs.
• 30:04
  I'm still at the same office.
• 30:06
  There was a time where that office was a very abusive situation.
• 30:11
  In my learned helplessness, I thought that I couldn't change my situation.
• 30:16
  The reality is I could go somewhere else.
• 30:20
  I have a brain.
• 30:21
  I can learn how to do something else.
• 30:23
  You do too.
• 30:24
  Out there, I'm looking at the computer again like it's you, our audience.
• 30:30
  You know who you are.
• 30:31
  You can change your situation.
• 30:34
  Is that a self-limiting belief?
• 30:35
  If you say self-limiting belief one more time.
• 30:40
  That's been my words.
• 30:42
  Phrase.
• 30:43
  This has been my phrase of the week and everybody at work has been like, shut up, Brianna!
• 30:48
  Because I use it.
• 30:49
  Joking.
• 30:50
  You use it constantly.
• 30:51
  Is that a self-limiting belief?
• 30:52
  I just want to kill you sometimes.
• 30:54
  Are you being a bottleneck?
• 30:55
  Bri's been to a few too many seminars.
• 30:59
  I've been learning a lot about leadership and growth.
• 31:04
  This is more as a result of either abuse or an extremely stressful, difficult situation,
• 31:13
  like a PTSD response.
• 31:17
  As opposed to someone who's choosing not to do something because they don't want the responsibility
• 31:24
  of doing it.
• 31:26
  Absolutely.
• 31:27
  Since we are a Christian podcast.
• 31:29
  We are?
• 31:31
  We are followers of Jesus Christ.
• 31:34
  How do you respond in the situations where you know you're being vaguely manipulated
• 31:39
  by someone?
• 31:41
  Also say, oh, you're so good at doing the dishes.
• 31:44
  I can't do them as well as you.
• 31:47
  Maybe you come back and you say, Philippians 4.13.
• 31:50
  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
• 31:53
  I believe in you.
• 31:54
  And then you run away.
• 31:55
  I believe that God will give you the strength to do the dishes and you are competent.
• 32:03
  I beg of one of you.
• 32:04
  I beg of you.
• 32:07
  Do this.
• 32:08
  Record yourself.
• 32:09
  Post it on TikTok.
• 32:10
  Tag us.
• 32:11
  We want to see it.
• 32:12
  Please.
• 32:13
  She doesn't want to check her own oil.
• 32:16
  The paper towels freak her out.
• 32:17
  She's confused.
• 32:18
  You say Psalms 46.5.
• 32:21
  God is within her.
• 32:23
  She will not fail.
• 32:24
  God will help her at the break of day.
• 32:26
  You sound like one of those pastors, like the evangelists.
• 32:32
  God will help her.
• 32:33
  God will help her.
• 32:34
  Amen.
• 32:35
  Look how loud we are.
• 32:38
  My windows are open too.
• 32:41
  The neighbors probably know that.
• 32:42
  Yeah, people think we're weird.
• 32:43
  I'm just practicing my Baptist preacher impersonation.
• 32:48
  You can't be a Baptist preacher.
• 32:50
  You're a girl.
• 32:51
  Silly me.
• 32:52
  I'm not even Baptist.
• 32:55
  That would make it tricky.
• 32:56
  That would make it tricky.
• 32:57
  You had a third verse.
• 32:59
  I'm absolutely sure of it.
• 33:00
  I have two more.
• 33:01
  Do you want to hear them?
• 33:02
  I do want to hear them.
• 33:03
  Psalms 73.26.
• 33:04
  Wait, I need to have an example for this.
• 33:07
  So here's the example.
• 33:09
  I hate taking out the trash.
• 33:11
  I absolutely hate it.
• 33:12
  It smells and there are flies and it's gross.
• 33:16
  Well, Psalms 73.26 says, my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of
• 33:23
  my heart and my portion forever.
• 33:24
  You can do it.
• 33:26
  I believe in you.
• 33:27
  Thanks.
• 33:28
  It may be icky yucky.
• 33:29
  What if I touch a bug?
• 33:31
  That bug will not kill you unless you live in Australia.
• 33:34
  Hey, Australians.
• 33:36
  Hey, Australians.
• 33:37
  Are you looking for a podcast that makes you laugh, cry, moves you, Bob?
• 33:43
  Wait, we're on VGTales again.
• 33:46
  Australians, look no further.
• 33:48
  Listen no further.
• 33:49
  This is the podcast for you.
• 33:51
  Is this offensive yet?
• 33:52
  But I don't think to the Australians.
• 33:53
  I think potentially to us.
• 33:54
  To that I say, 2 Corinthians 12.9.
• 34:06
  My grace is all you need for my power is the greatest when you are weak.
• 34:12
  Are you feeling weak?
• 34:14
  Every day of my life.
• 34:15
  That's a good one.
• 34:16
  I need an example for that.
• 34:19
  I can't help you put together that IKEA furniture.
• 34:26
  My bones don't work.
• 34:27
  I don't have muscles.
• 34:28
  Her arms would cut off.
• 34:29
  Her legs would cut off.
• 34:30
  This is a potential problem.
• 34:31
  I don't know.
• 34:32
  I don't know.
• 34:33
  I don't know.
• 34:34
  I don't know.
• 34:35
  I don't know.
• 34:36
  This is potentially the most spazzy of the episode.
• 34:38
  I can't move around my furniture in my room.
• 34:40
  I'm just a little girl and too weak.
• 34:43
  No my grace is all you need for my power is greatest when you are weak.
• 34:49
  Did you read the reference for that one?
• 34:51
  This one does come from that.
• 34:52
  Yeah, 2 Corinthians 12.9.
• 34:53
  I'm proud of you.
• 34:54
  All biblical.
• 34:55
  All biblical.
• 34:56
  The words of God.
• 34:58
  I'm literally weeping over here crying or laughing.
• 35:01
  You want a tissue?
• 35:02
  No, I don't think you have a tissue.
• 35:04
  I have a makeup wipe.
• 35:05
  No, thank you.
• 35:06
  Oh, so I just also like as you're reading through the Bible here, I want to point out
• 35:15
  that the Bible gets used to justify weaponized incompetence in a huge way because I don't
• 35:23
  really know why.
• 35:25
  I don't really know why because the Bible at no point says and the woman will be responsible
• 35:34
  for all the laundry.
• 35:36
  Yeah, and the man shall sit in his easy chair and smoke his pipe and wear his slippers like
• 35:43
  that's not in there.
• 35:45
  There's no part of the Bible that says the woman is responsible for all the child rearing
• 35:49
  and all the things within the home.
• 35:50
  Like it's not it's not there.
• 35:52
  We've made that up.
• 35:54
  I think we've confused Bible times with the United States in the 1950s.
• 36:00
  As a church, yeah, and actually our good friend Beth.
• 36:06
  Beth, our bestie Beth.
• 36:10
  Yeah, Beth.
• 36:12
  She talks about that in her book, The Making of Biblical Womanhood, where she says around
• 36:17
  that era, like I think I think it's like the 1920s ish era up through the 50s.
• 36:24
  How they pulled kind of all of these stereotypes that they wanted to pull for women that really
• 36:34
  had nothing to do with the Bible, had nothing to do with Bible times.
• 36:38
  Like if you want to look at what a biblical woman looks like, and I know we harp on this
• 36:43
  all the time, but I'm gonna do it again because you might not have listened to the other ones.
• 36:46
  It's our podcast, not yours.
• 36:49
  Yeah.
• 36:51
  But like the women in the Bible, some of them, just like the disciples, dropped everything
• 36:57
  to follow Jesus.
• 37:00
  Now this is controversial, but they dropped their kids.
• 37:03
  They dropped their husbands.
• 37:05
  There are like hot potatoes.
• 37:06
  Yeah.
• 37:07
  I mean, some of the women that were following Jesus had families and they walked away to
• 37:14
  follow Jesus because their greatest calling was not to be a wife and mother.
• 37:20
  Now I know we love our husbands, we love our kids, we love our families.
• 37:28
  Regardless, whatever role you find yourself in women, your highest calling is not to be
• 37:32
  a wife and mom.
• 37:33
  It's to follow Jesus.
• 37:35
  And so in those scenarios with those biblical women, they were asked to drop everything,
• 37:43
  everything that they loved, everything they knew, everything that they were, and follow
• 37:47
  Jesus.
• 37:48
  And that doesn't mean that it's easy.
• 37:50
  No.
• 37:51
  But I think when we make these really stereotyped gender roles, you kind of have to throw all
• 37:58
  those women in the trash.
• 37:59
  You have to forget that they ever existed.
• 38:02
  Yeah.
• 38:03
  Bree, sing that song.
• 38:04
  I forgot that you existed.
• 38:05
  Thank you.
• 38:06
  Taylor, you're here again.
• 38:07
  My gosh.
• 38:08
  It's like you never left.
• 38:09
  It's like the third one.
• 38:10
  We've done a great job this time.
• 38:17
  But there are other women, you look at Deborah, who we did a whole episode on, and it's really
• 38:22
  good.
• 38:23
  You guys should go back and listen to it.
• 38:24
  Go back and listen to it.
• 38:25
  Deb is a beast.
• 38:26
  I think it's called Our Biblical Sisters.
• 38:28
  It's one of our earliest episodes.
• 38:31
  And we talked about how Deborah was a judge in the Jewish culture, which didn't mean that
• 38:39
  she was sitting up there with her gavel and whatever.
• 38:41
  She was a military leader.
• 38:45
  Her job was not, I'm going to do the laundry, I'm going to be the best at cooking, I'm going
• 38:50
  to whatever.
• 38:51
  Or like, I know I have other male judges right alongside me, but really I'll just take a
• 38:58
  step back and I'll take care of them.
• 39:00
  Exactly.
• 39:01
  They do the big boy jobs.
• 39:02
  No, she was right alongside them.
• 39:03
  Not beside them.
• 39:05
  She was way out in front of them.
• 39:06
  Yeah, she's kicking their booties.
• 39:07
  She's doing stuff they couldn't do.
• 39:09
  So when someone tells you as a Christian woman, well, this is your role.
• 39:14
  So you're supposed to be better at this than him.
• 39:18
  You're supposed to know how the oven works and he doesn't need to.
• 39:21
  You're supposed to vacuum all the floors before he comes home because you're better at it.
• 39:26
  You're supposed to whatever, you know, fill in the blank.
• 39:29
  We've all been told it.
• 39:31
  You're supposed to do those things because you're the woman, because that's your role,
• 39:34
  because that's your job, because his tiny little man brain apparently can't figure it
• 39:38
  out.
• 39:39
  It's not true.
• 39:40
  It's not biblical.
• 39:41
  God gave him the same size brain as you have.
• 39:45
  And it's offensive to both of you.
• 39:47
  It's not just offensive to you.
• 39:48
  It's also offensive to him.
• 39:51
  If he was single, if your husband or your partner, whoever he is, if he was single,
• 39:59
  he would have to figure this stuff out, right?
• 40:01
  At the very least, he'd have to go to a laundromat or I guess maybe go out to eat every night.
• 40:06
  Like he'd have to do something.
• 40:08
  This podcast that I was listening to was talking about dorm rooms too and the difference between
• 40:13
  a girl's dorm versus a boy's dorm.
• 40:15
  And she was like, I would go into the boy's dorm and it just stank like disgustingness
• 40:20
  and nothing was taken care of because so often personal hygiene is considered too feminine.
• 40:29
  Like they don't want to seem like gay or something because they have skincare or because they
• 40:36
  have a breeze to their room.
• 40:38
  It's just silly.
• 40:40
  Take care of yourself.
• 40:41
  Gosh dang it.
• 40:42
  Take care of yourself.
• 40:43
  I do see that trend changing in younger generations and thank goodness.
• 40:51
  You see this expectation for men changing in their looks and this is a little bit off
• 40:55
  topic but the trend now for boys is to get perms.
• 41:01
  I heard it's called the flow.
• 41:03
  Oh, like our periods?
• 41:06
  Maybe I'm wrong?
• 41:07
  Am I wrong?
• 41:08
  That can't be right.
• 41:09
  That can't be right.
• 41:10
  I don't know.
• 41:11
  Anyway.
• 41:12
  Don't listen to me.
• 41:13
  I don't know what the youths are doing.
• 41:17
  But I think it's actually really cool because it's this breaking of gender norms where it
• 41:24
  says men can't care about their hair.
• 41:27
  Men can't care about their skin or whatever.
• 41:29
  It's a self-limiting belief if I've ever heard it.
• 41:33
  Shut up.
• 41:35
  And it allows younger men and boys and whoever or older men to kind of break that standard
• 41:41
  and say like, no, I would love to have a perm.
• 41:44
  I would love to try that out.
• 41:45
  I'm just a person.
• 41:46
  Yeah.
• 41:47
  I'm just a person and I might have wants and needs that are different from the other people
• 41:53
  around me.
• 41:55
  So I think if we can break the gender norms, if we can break these weaponized incompetence
• 41:59
  so closely related to gender expectations, it opens up a whole world where you get to
• 42:05
  be just a person.
• 42:09
  If you're a boy and you want to wear cover stick to cover up your acne, that can be okay.
• 42:14
  Or if you want to wear eyeliner because it makes your eyes pop, have a super time.
• 42:19
  And for girls, if you want to be more interested in cars, something that's out of your gender
• 42:25
  norm, that can be okay.
• 42:28
  I think maybe this could be an entire podcast, but mom was sharing with me today.
• 42:33
  She was like, back when I was a young youth girl, she was very smart in school and no
• 42:41
  one necessarily told her this, but she made it.
• 42:45
  She felt less feminine because she was book smart, which is such a crazy idea to me.
• 42:55
  And we were trying to dive deep into this in the car, like why did you feel that way?
• 42:59
  Why did it make you feel less feminine or less girly to be?
• 43:03
  What part of gender roles made her feel that way?
• 43:06
  I think that's actually something a lot of women experience.
• 43:11
  I think it comes down to you're never supposed to be intimidating to men.
• 43:20
  You're never supposed to make them feel less than you are.
• 43:24
  And you should never make anyone feel less than, but it's so put upon women never ever
• 43:31
  seem smarter than him because it'll hurt his ego, whatever.
• 43:38
  And it's even become a little bit of a manipulation tactic for women because you say, well, I'm
• 43:43
  going to act not as smart, but I'm going to behind your back.
• 43:46
  I'm going to do whatever.
• 43:47
  Just be as smart as you are right up front.
• 43:51
  Be real.
• 43:53
  If you're smart, be smart.
• 43:54
  If you're dumb, be dumb.
• 43:58
  I just see if we could get rid of so much of this, such a partnership society.
• 44:06
  And I know that that seems like a big ask of the whole of society, but if I could ask
• 44:11
  it of just the people listening to this podcast, find out where you can be in a partnership,
• 44:20
  whether it's in a relationship, whether it's at work, wherever it is, find that space because
• 44:27
  you'll be happier.
• 44:28
  The other people will be happier.
• 44:31
  And life can be a lot easier in that space.
• 44:34
  Be real with each other.
• 44:35
  Quit trying to put on this facade of fakeness or caring too much about what other people
• 44:42
  think of you or whatever it is.
• 44:45
  You are a strong, confident individual.
• 44:48
  And wrap this up, you can do the dishes.
• 44:51
  You can change your oil.
• 44:52
  You can.
• 44:53
  Well, I'm not going to change my oil.
• 44:55
  I'm going to check it.
• 44:56
  I'm going to take it somewhere to get changed.
• 44:57
  You can check your oil and you can take it somewhere.
• 45:01
  You can ask those people at the gas station.
• 45:04
  Not the gas station.
• 45:05
  YouTube and TikTok has a wealth of knowledge.
• 45:09
  Just a wealth of knowledge.
• 45:10
  If you wanted to learn how to do anything, if I wanted to learn how to amputate my own
• 45:16
  toe, I could figure it out.
• 45:21
  Please, please don't.
• 45:22
  Guys, don't listen to my sister.
• 45:25
  Sometimes she's real smart.
• 45:27
  Sometimes she's real dumb.
• 45:28
  If you're smart, be smart.
• 45:29
  If you're dumb, be dumb.
• 45:30
  I'm just saying.
• 45:31
  But yeah, like you are fully capable.
• 45:36
  Each one of you, man, woman, child, you are well, maybe not the children.
• 45:39
  You are fully capable of figuring stuff out.
• 45:44
  But using and abusing your partners.
• 45:48
  And on that note, shut up.
• 45:51
  Goodbye.
• 45:52
  We can't shut up.
• 45:54
  Goodbye.
• 45:55
  We have to do other things.
• 45:56
  What?
• 45:57
  Australia?
• 45:58
  All right, guys, try to share with Australia because Brie will be really sad if you don't.
• 46:03
  Bluey, can you follow us?
• 46:06
  I think we've actually forgotten to do that like the last two episodes, so we've failed
• 46:10
  a little bit, but we've jumped back right, right on time.
• 46:14
  Jump on it.
• 46:16
  Jump on it.
• 46:17
  Next week we will be back with I don't know what yet.
• 46:20
  We haven't decided, but we will have the Disney saddies.
• 46:23
  So expect a lot less energy.
• 46:27
  Expect depression just there.
• 46:31
  Wallowing, self-loathing.
• 46:41
  So since you definitely want to hear all of that, make sure to tune in next week to have
• 46:46
  so much fun here with us.
• 46:49
  Everybody get like a bottle of wine and some chocolate and just put on your sad clothes
• 46:53
  and we can cry together.
• 46:57
  All right, guys, we'll see you next week.
• 46:59
  I'm going to edit this in like the next two hours, so we'll see you later.
• 47:02
  Love you.
• 47:03
  Bye-bye.