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The Victim | When Pain Shapes the Story · The Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: There are stories you carry that you didn't ask for, loss you didn't choose, pain that happened to you, not by you.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: And for a long time I thought naming that those pains, those stories made me weak.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I thought honest lament was a lack of faith.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: But scripture never calls honesty a failure.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm talking about the victim role, not as something to shame, but as the place where healing actually begins.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Before you and I have this conversation about growth, healing, or change, I want to invite you to start somewhere honest.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Where every meaningful story begins with loss, with pain that wasn't chosen, with something that happened to you.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the victim role lives.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say this clearly.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode or this conversation isn't about labeling.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's about learning how God meets you in suffering and how healing actually begins.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Beginning in the victim role doesn't mean you stay there.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: It simply means you're telling the truth about where you are.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Being a victim means something painful, unjust, or disorienting happened outside of your control.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that matters.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Scripture never minimizes that pain.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: A victim mentality, on the other hand, it forms when pain becomes the lens through which everything else is interpreted.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds like this is just how my life is, nothing will ever change, I don't have a choice.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding the victim role helps you acknowledge harm, but being stuck in the victim mentality removes your agency.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And healing requires that you tell the truth about both.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: There was a season in my life when I was genuinely a victim of an unhealthy system.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was part of a church internship that, on the outside, looked spiritual and passionate, but underneath, it relied on control and manipulation.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have language for it at the time.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I just internalized the dysfunction and assumed that I was the problem, or that I had a problem.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Years later, after a lot of counseling and guidance, I was finally able to name the truth.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Something happened to me that I did not choose.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what mattered just as much.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had to choose what I was going to do with the pain.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because naming harm opens the door to healing, but staying in blame, it just closes it.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't help you get anywhere.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it certainly doesn't get you where you want to go.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: So what does Scripture invite you to do with real pain?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, scripture doesn't tell you to bypass it or over-spiritualize it or even rush to resolution.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: The Bible gives language for what you can do, and that is holy lament.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Holy lament is what happens when you bring your pain to God instead of carrying it alone.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: The Psalms are full of verses like, how long, O Lord, or why have you forgotten me?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or this hurts.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And Psalm 34 reminds you, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So healing doesn't begin with answers, even in the Word of God.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: It begins with paying attention to your story and noticing.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's a framework I use, often called the U diagram, and it helps you understand how healing unfolds.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you picture a big, giant U, then you see the top part of the U.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I call it Friday.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And Friday represents loss, rupture, betrayal, death.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then at the bottom of that U, at that curve, we'll call it Saturday.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And Saturday represents confusion, grief, silence, and darkness.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then at the other side of the top of the U, we'll call it Sunday, where it represents restoration and new life.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So when you look at this U, it's easy to see, all right, if I'm already experiencing loss and betrayal and death, I do not want to go to Saturday.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I want to skip it, right?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But this is really important to know.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: In this process of holy lament, you have to understand that the only way to get to true resurrection, true new life, is that you have to go through Saturday.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Resurrection only comes through it.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, if we look at the Word of God, we think about Mary Magdalene and the disciples and what it looked like for them to stand in that Saturday silence.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: They did not know resurrection was coming.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They only knew their pain was real and that Jesus was gone.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Everything that they had looked forward to and thought, it wasn't happening.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was just death followed by silence and darkness, grief and confusion.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So Saturday, though, can be where you learn you're not alone, you don't have to rush, and God is still at work even when nothing makes sense.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we look at the story of the Gospels, where Jesus was brutally killed, he was betrayed, he died for you and me.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then that Saturday where he was in the tomb, where all his friends and family just thought all hope was lost, well, Jesus was working behind the scenes, right?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: He was still nearby, he was still close, he was still working on their behalf, he hadn't left them, he hadn't forgotten them.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it's in that Saturday moment, in that absence, that God's work led to the resurrection, where Jesus came back to share the hope of resurrection that he had truly conquered death.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: While this quick description of the you diagram is really brief, I want you to hear this part of it.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a Saturday season right now, if you're at the bottom of the you, you're not doing anything wrong.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: You are just in the middle of your story.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, the victim role isn't about weakness, it's about honesty.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be the place where false control is exposed, grief is allowed, and dependence on God becomes real.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I want to invite you into a simple reflection.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a time to fix or force, but I want you to just ask yourself and sit with these questions.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: What pain have I minimized or rushed past?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Where might God be inviting me to tell the truth without blame?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: What would it look like to bring this pain into the light instead of thinking I have to carry it alone?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you don't have to rush to find the answers.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just sit honestly with these questions.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation about being a victim stirred something in you, I want you to hear you're not broken beyond repair, and you're not weak for hurting, and you aren't feeling because healing, well, it sometimes just takes its time.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: This instead is a place where you are being met and you are being found.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Next week, I'm gonna share about what happens when pain goes unprocessed and when that pain turns into control, defensiveness, or blame.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna invite you to explore the role of the villain.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: The villain has been in your story, and we're not gonna sit in shame about it, but I want you to understand how protection can harden the heart over time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your next right step begins with noticing where you are.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Healing begins with the truth, and you've already taken a brave step in your wholehearted story.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks so much for joining me for the Wholehearted Enneagram Podcast.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation spoke to you, please share it with a friend.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can also visit simply wholehearted.com to take the free Enneagram quiz and also get your personalized podcast playlists specific for your Enneagram type.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, friend, your starting point doesn't have to be your stuff point.