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Key Things That Will Change Your Experience of Divorce - Part 1 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, I'm going to step you through key things that will change your experience of divorce.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've decided to split this across a few episodes because when I sat down to make some notes, I'm just like, oh, there's a lot.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to step you through the first four.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: The first thing that will change your experience of divorce is knowing how to create emotional safety for yourself.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing how to create an emotionally safe experience, knowing how to create emotional safety.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So to be able to create emotional safety in your own life, it can be really useful to recognize times in your life, experiences, times in your life when you feel or you have felt safe.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you can run yourself through some questions to get to know what safety, emotional safety looks like and feels like for you to develop a deeper awareness of what it is for you because it's unique to each one of us, right?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the beginning of being able to create emotional safety for ourselves is to know what emotional safety looks and feels like for us as an individual.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, what makes me feel safe in my body, what makes me feel safe in relationships, what makes me feel safe financially, what keeps me grounded or balanced or feeling secure?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what can I do to make myself feel at ease?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do to make my home feel emotionally safe?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: A sanctuary, a haven?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, how can I how can I expand or enhance my sense of safety in all areas of my life?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, the flip side of it is when do I notice myself feeling unsafe?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: What does that what does that feel like in my body?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: What experiences lead me to feel unsafe?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I note, I want to note here, I want to make sure that you understand we're not talking about physical safety, we're not talking about you being physically at risk.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is about creating an emotional, safe space, an emotional safety for yourself.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: So when do I notice I'm feeling uh emotionally safe?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the flip side of that is what happens, what experiences, when do I feel unsafe?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, how can we create emotional safety in high stress times or in you know where there's internal or external disruption or disturbance?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: So once you've taken the time to answer those questions for yourself, you've looked at what helps or hinders your own personal sense of emotional safety, you can then willingly actively choose to seek or avoid the things that make you feel safe versus unsafe.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the difficulty, of course, with separation and divorce is that sometimes you need to step back into interactions, relationships, situations that may make you feel destabilized emotionally less safe.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to understand how you can build your own sense of emotional safety in those activating and triggering situations.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can also be really helpful to remind yourself that feeling emotionally unsafe, you're not actually in any physical danger, and you can also remind yourself that it is transitory.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to move through it and come out the other side.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling this emotion, feeling this lack of emotional safety is transitory, and also how else can you reset yourself, recenter yourself, create a bubble around yourself, an emotional haven, an emotional safety for yourself?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: It can be also really helpful to create a physical space in your own home, you know, your favorite chair, in the sunshine, a quiet room, or even a place in nature.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can take yourself there physically and build that sense of safety and security around yourself, and then you can use imagery or mental imagery to take yourself, not physically, but mentally to that space when you feel a little bit off-center, when you feel destabilized, when you start to feel less emotionally safe.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can visualize visualize yourself in that space, you can remember and remind yourself what it looks like, what it feels like, what it smells like, what it sounds like, and so take yourself into an emotionally safe space without physically being in that space.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional safety also involves us holding and setting, setting and holding healthy boundaries, but boundaries is probably a whole other episode.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I think there is a past episode, I'll link it in the show notes if I remember.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but emotional safety requires that we set and hold firm, healthy boundaries around ourselves.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that can be difficult when you are needing to interact with someone who you're separating from or divorcing, but being able to build that, I guess flex the muscle and build your capacity to create an emotionally safe experience for yourself while also navigating hard stuff can be really helpful and change your experience of separation and divorce.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You other things you can do, um, you know, meditation mindfulness, yes, but just even simple grounding techniques for use in the moment.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and of course, limiting your exposure to triggers, like I said earlier, is key in terms of building emotional safety in our wider, broader life, but that's hard if one of the triggers for you is your ex-partner.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so again, knowing how to keep yourself emotionally safe when you do have to be engaged with that person as you navigate your separation, divorce, or parenting relationship afterwards is really key in changing your experience of divorce.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing that can really shift your experience of divorce is resilience.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Building your resilience, building your capacity to hold discomfort or to sit in discomfort, to tolerate discomfort.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Separation, divorce, even parenting afterwards in some situations, it's going to be hard.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: There will be uncomfortable, difficult, challenging moments, activating moments, difficult conversations.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: So building your capacity to stay in and stay present when situations or things get uncomfortable is a game changer.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I'm not talking about danger, I'm not talking about abuse, but I'm talking about staying in the discomfort of a triggering or activating, challenging interaction, experience, conversation rather than running away from it or tipping into fight, flight, freeze, fawn, firing back, shutting down.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to stay present and also be uncomfortable is crucial.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Resilience is also correlated, correlated with control.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: What parts of this process are within your capacity to control?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if we feel in control, we're more likely to be able to withstand the discomfort.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And also, sometimes you're not going to be in control.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, again, being able to manage that discomfort and stay present helps you build resilience, helps you build resilience.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, also, you know, if your relationship, if your marriage really drained you of personal power, if you felt disempowered in that relationship, your divorce can then be a chance to take back your personal power because you get to be in charge of what happens next.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are in control of the next chapter.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So part of resilience is being able to accept what you can and cannot control.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you let go of what you can't control and be really aware and realistic about what you what is within your capacity control and what is not.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And thinking about this can um can help you overcome overwhelm.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a lot going on, so you need to build your resilience to um to feeling like there are some things that are out of your control.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are, right?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the things you're not going to be able to control.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So building your resilience to tolerate that um can help you help help you avoid, I suppose, feeling like you're in over your head or you're overwhelmed.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, also just slowing down and allowing it again, build your tolerance, builds your resilience, be where you are, you know, don't future trip into what all the what ifs and what's coming.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just slow down, be where you are, focus on the little things, you know, focus on what you can and can control, what is within your capacity to control and to hold.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Our brain is hardwired to keep us safe, and you can use this as your tool.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So um we are as humans hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort, right?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So we stay where we feel safe and where we feel comfortable.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: But when we're separating, when we're going through divorce, when we're doing hard things, we need to actively step into discomfort.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So look work out for you what this looks like and start choosing what you want in the long term over the pleasure you could experience in the short term, say.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Be future focused.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how how does how is this going to look and feel in two, five, ten years' time.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: What discomfort do I need to tolerate now?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to build my resilience around now so that I can do the hard things and get the long-term outcome that I most desire?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, instead of running from discomfort, avoiding the pain, we need to open ourselves up to it.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, our brain associates fear with danger.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So things that are scary or painful or hard, we associate with danger.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, that's just our brain genuinely trying to keep us safe.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: But the pain of divorce, while it's real, it's not inherently dangerous.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to build our tolerance and our resilience of discomfort around discomfort in order to move us forward.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we need to get shit done when we're getting divorced rather than avoiding, and so rather than avoiding the pain and opening up to all the feelings, we need to sit in that and tolerate that pain and that discomfort to get stuff done.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, process the challenging feelings rather than trying to avoid them, run away from them.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And when we tip into that avoidance, you know, we end up overwhelmed, we end up not able to do anything, we end up stuck.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: So building your resilience to tolerate discomfort is really important.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing, and it's related, you know, these first few things are all related.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: The third thing that will change your experience of separation, divorce is regulating your nervous system, knowing how to get yourself out of a fight-flight freeze fawn response, knowing how to get yourself out of that activation, not getting hooked by your ex back into conflict or back into fight-flight.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's called amygdala hijack, and I'm sure I've spoken to about it in previous podcast episodes.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the amygdala is a primitive part of our brain, and it is triggered when something really intense or unexpected, potentially threatening, happens and it goes into overdrive.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like the security guard that suddenly hits a panic button and takes over the control room.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: So am your amygdala goes into hijack and hijacks all the other parts of your brain, so you can't make logical, rational, objective decisions.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Rational rational thought is in the backseat and your primitive brain is driving you, you'll react emotionally without being able to think things through.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: So amygdala hijack is when your emotions, particularly fear or anger, take control of your of your brain, of your and of your actions before your logical brain has a chance to step in, make an make an assessment and respond calmly.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes a while for these for the chemicals that flood the brain during an amygdala hijack, it takes about six seconds for those to dissipate.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're activated, take six seconds, take six deep breaths or focus on something else, shift your focus away, allow yourself time to dial down that hijack reaction, dial down that intense emotional response so that you can make sound, logical, rational decisions.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you understand your your own triggers, if you understand your own reaction when you're tipped into amygdala hijack, fight, flight phrase, whatever you want to call it, if you understand your typical reaction and you know what that feels like in your body, then you can preempt it.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: So you know your triggers, you also know your usual response.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and when you feel that activated, you know, you can use strategies, techniques.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Deep breathing is a really simple one just to dial yourself down.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: So know your triggers, it's likely going to be your ex-partner, right?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Something they do or they say, or an email that lands, whatever.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: But but a fight-flight freeze or amygdala hijack response is not a great state from which to make objective decisions.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So don't get hooked into them by interactions with your ex and know how to get out of them or know how to recognize when you're in it and how to get out of it when you are activated.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there are really simple ways you can use to regulate your nervous system either in the moment or over time.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, deep breathing, I've already suggested, meditation, mindfulness, build your capacity to dial down your nervous system, regulate your nervous system over time, music can be great, singing, laughing is really positive too.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's EFT or tapping, giving yourself a hug, um, getting out into nature, you know, get in or near the water, bare feet on the ground, and cold is a really great way to pull yourself out of that amygdala hijack or fight-flight-freeze response.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Cold hands under the tap, cold water on the back of your neck.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: But build these um practices into your everyday so that your your nervous system is well regulated and you're less likely to be pulled off center, you're less likely to be tipped into that hijack situation, and when you are, you have strategies to bring yourself back.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth thing that will change your experience of divorce is mastering the pause, mastering the power of the pause.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: It will help you communicate calmly and clearly, it will help keep you out of that amygdala hijack, that fight, flight, freeze.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: It will help you focus on getting to the end, it will help you focus on getting what you want.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Owning the power of the pause is about responding rather than reacting, being responsive rather than reactive.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: A well-used or well-placed pause can prevent escalation.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: It gives both of you a moment to cool off, to reconsider, to fight potentially find common ground.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: It can be the bridge to more effective, even more efficient resolution of the conflict or the issues between the two of you.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as a coach, I use the pause with my clients all the time.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've worked with me, you will know that I do this.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when I ask a powerful question, when I ask a question and my client is quiet or thinking, or even says, I don't know, or I'm not sure, I don't feel the silence.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I wait, I pause, I allow that time and space.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And very often, in fact, almost always, the answer or the response comes from the client.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this same pause strategy can be used successfully in discussion or negotiation or difficult conversations or conflict with your ex-partner or your soon-to-be ex-partner.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not every comment, not every message, not every email or text, even a verbal assault, not everything requires a response at all, let alone an immediate one.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: So employ the power, employ the pause, use the pause.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, our first response to someone coming at us, perhaps a verbal attack or assault, whether it's valid or not, is normally to counter-respond, to defend, to block, often with a heightened tone.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: So it escalates things, right?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: We go into defensive mode and we fire back.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: The value of the pause is in between the value of the pause between say hearing hearing that coming at you and reacting cannot be underestimated and it will change your experience of divorce.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: The momentary pause gives you an opportunity to dial down your reactivity, to take control, to take control of yourself and to respond rather than react.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: The pause, if it's in a conversation, whether it's face-to-face or over the phone, the a pause of silence can also give the other person the space to think about what they've just said.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: It might not, it might not, but it can often just give them a little moment to think about what they've said.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it might cause them it might give them the space to think about it so that they soften it or explain it further or maybe even retract it.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: They might say, Oh sorry, what I meant was.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: Take the time you need, use the power of the pause.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's very little in terms of interaction that requires an immediate response, particularly if it's a text or an email.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Take the time you need to process, to dial down your reaction, and go back in, re-engage in a way that is focused on you getting what you want and resolving the issue, and it is in service to that two, five, ten-year time future that you want to be building for yourself.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, pausing can help you de-escalate conflict, and that saves everyone.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: It saves time, it saves emotion, it saves stress, it saves heartache, and ultimately it'll save you money.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you manage those powerful emotions and the complexities of trying to communicate and engage and negotiate with someone you'd probably rather not be doing that with.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: It can facilitate a smoother journey through separation, divorce, and you know, the new all the negotiations that um that come along with that and parenting afterwards, right?
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: So use employ the pause to your advantage.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: So they're the first of the four things that the first four, I'm sorry, things that will change your experience of divorce.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing how to create emotional safety for yourself, building your resilience and your capacity to tolerate discomfort, knowing how to regulate your nervous system, and using the power of the pause.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Next week I'll share another four of the key things that will change your experience of divorce.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you have found this useful and you know someone who will also find it useful, please share it with them.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would also love it if you would rate, review the podcast because that means we get it into the ears of a whole lot more people who need to hear it.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Go gently while you use these four things to change your experience of divorce.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.