Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 218. Emotional Rejection In Marriage.. Let's Talk About It

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218. Emotional Rejection In Marriage.. Let's Talk About It · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Today's episode is emotional rejection and marriage.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about it.
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: The last one was sexual rejection.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about the emotional.
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: Let's do it.
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: What do you want to talk about?
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: What does I mean?
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Where do we begin?
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: I know when do we begin, because this is a big one.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: Maybe we just jump into the poll answers or the comments you're getting on social media and kind of discuss each one of those, because there's so many things we can talk about emotionally.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: This is where it gets tricky, because sexual intimacy when you reject sexually, it's like one thing right, you're rejecting sexually, you're saying I don't want to make love to you right, so I'm just saying, when it comes to emotional rejection, it's like a hundred things, so many ways.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: So this is like way more complicated and it got hurt, but I think some of the comments are awesome and maybe we just discuss randomly some of the comments you're reading and share those, because I think there's probably a bunch of good ones.
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: For sure.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: So we decided to just throw out a survey and we asked emotional intimacy in your marriage how strong is it?
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: I just wanted to find out where people are with this, because I hear from some wives that their husband hardly talks to them, and then I hear from some wives that they talk all the time, so-.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: And remember that typically, emotional intimacy and physical intimacy correlate For sure, like those go hand in hand for most couples.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: So keep that in mind when you're hearing these results and then you're wondering why.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Well, maybe that's why we're not making love as often.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: And, like we always say, emotional intimacy comes first.
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: But I think after we get through this, it's pretty obvious why right?
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: So we asked emotional intimacy in your marriage how strong is it?
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: I gave four options for our audience to choose from.
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: The first option was I get zero emotional intimacy.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: The second option was I only get it when my spouse wants sex.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: Third answer I get it, but it could be so much stronger.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: And the last answer is our relationships connection is hot, which means good.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: I did a high five, so can you guess?
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: where our audience would be.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: I have no idea.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: No idea.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: No idea.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: No idea.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: 21% said I get zero emotional intimacy in the marriage.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Zero is a low number.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: I don't know that you can go lower than zero.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: I don't think you can go lower than zero, so Crazy.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: That makes me wanna cry.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: That is, that is.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: Zero.
• 3:32
  Speaker 3: You get zero emotional intimacy like no connection in your marriage.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: Gosh, if I got zero, I don't think I would be married anymore.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: You'd be out.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: You'd be out.
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: I don't believe in divorce.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: I also don't believe in crappy marriages, so I think there is a line where I would be like, no, this isn't working.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: 21% said only get it when my spouse wants sex.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: That makes me wanna cry too.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: So that's 42% 42%.
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: Either has zero or only gets it when their spouse wants something.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: Almost half.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: That is so sad.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, this is why we're doing our podcast.
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: Next answer 40% of our audience that answered said I get it, but it could be so much stronger.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: So much stronger.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: So much stronger.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: So they're kinda like I get it.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: But Still disappointed.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: Still disappointed.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: 18% of our audience said our relationship's connection is awesome.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: So 82% is not happy with what they're getting emotionally and 18% are.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Is what?
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: That's what I'm reading.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: Crazy.
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: That's heartbreaking to me.
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm just gonna throw it out here.
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: I'm guessing that phone addictions might be a big part of that.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: Sadly Okay.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: So then I asked our Okay, we're just gonna do these one by one.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: So we said give us one example of what emotional intimacy is to you.
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: And this is where we're gonna stick for a minute and just start talking about emotional intimacy.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Let's do it.
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: I think the 40% that answered it's in our marriage, but it could be a lot stronger.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: They're probably being pretty honest and that doesn't mean that it sucks.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: That could mean that it can always be stronger, right, like there's sometimes where ours could be stronger, but I would probably vote that.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: It's pretty awesome.
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think everyone would probably vote yeah, it could always be stronger.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: But your question said a lot, didn't?
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: It, Did it oh maybe your question said a lot.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: It could be so much stronger or so much, sorry.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so much stronger, so to me, that indicates that they're probably still really disappointed and wanting more, which is okay.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: There's nothing wrong, like that's how we all improve, right Is we're like oh, we're weak in this area.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: What can we do to make our marriage stronger?
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: That's why we do these podcasts.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: That's why we created the app.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: That's what we've seen in our marriage as well.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: We were at a point that really sucked, like we were awful at so many things.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, like year 12.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: Year 12.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: We were a disaster.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: I was like dude, she doesn't listen to anything.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: I say, yeah, I mean, honestly, we're lucky Looking back, we're lucky that our marriage made it, but we're in a really, really good place now.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: But we got to a breaking point, like a lot of couples do, like it was literally this isn't working.
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: We either change it.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: This sucks.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, this is not how we want to live and we never got married to want to end it.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: So we decided, of course we're going to change it, and that's when we had to really really put in some serious effort.
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: And I would say most of it was just lack of not knowing what to do.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: Like not, or just being selfish, yeah Right, ok.
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: So we asked our audience what emotional intimacy, what is one thing that that looks like to them?
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: So we're going to get into these.
• 7:07
  Speaker 3: The first answer we got was when I can share what is in my heart and on my mind without any judgment.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: I love that too.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: I know how often do we want to talk to our spouse about something, but we're afraid to do it.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: We're afraid of being judged, we're afraid of what are they going to think or how are they going to react to it.
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: I hope you've never felt like that.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: Well, so yeah, I mean so.
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: So we all have right, yeah.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: So I mean to have that trust and have no fear in knowing how they're going to respond, Not have to worry about that.
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: Well, this kind of goes.
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: When I hear that comment, I think of.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: That goes both ways, because to be able to share what's on your heart and mind without judgment, you first off that person has to be willing to share, right, which is a really big step.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: And the other person, what are you doing to make them even feel like they would be judged Like?
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: How does that even happen in marriage?
• 8:05
  Speaker 3: What kind of things are happening in your marriage to make you think that your spouse is going to judge you for something, especially like an honest opinion or thought?
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah so emotional connection really comes with making sure that you're treating your spouse.
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: They will never be judged Like the hard things they're struggling with or the things that they're fearful of or scared of.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: You're not going to look down on them.
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: You're going to love them for who they are.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: You married them for who they are right.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: How do you think couples?
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: can do a better job at that.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: I don't just overall, like how they treat each other right, how they react to each other.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think that probably takes practice.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: And yeah, it takes practice and trust and conversations and just like, I guess, getting to that point through all the, all the ways to practice you know all the vulnerable ways, yeah, all the moments.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: The next one is really important and she said we know each other's love languages and we try hard to make sure and fill those needs.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: I think that's Probably the most one of the top, one of the top ones, and that's an area where I'm not always the best at.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: I mean, I constantly have to remind myself Okay, amy likes.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: Amy likes this.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: I need to show her this way.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Amy likes this.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I need to show her this way.
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: My mind, just because mine is this, that's doesn't mean the hers is that okay.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: So let me give you an example what?
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: Let's jump into love languages and I Think some couples look at, look at love languages and they're like, okay, we're opposite.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: How is this gonna work?
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: So in our marriage we can say it does work.
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: We are opposite.
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: He is 100% physical touch.
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: I am not a touchy person, so it is hard for me.
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: I'm not super, I'm just gonna admit it.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: I'm not super good at doing that, but I have to put a lot of intention into it and and be okay with always holding hands and him touching me and sometimes even admits like let me massage you, it's for me.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Let me touch you.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: It's my intimate I need.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: I need to get my physical touch.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: I need this.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: Please, please, it'll benefit you because it'll do a good massage and I'm probably more like I would say my loving Good is more access service now, like when he'll do something that I don't want to do like.
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: That means a lot to me because I got a lot on my plate, so it used to be gifts, so that's why it's important to talk about it.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: It's important to talk about.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: We're at the stage of life now.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: If I really need something, I buy it.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: So we're gonna you know what I mean like that midlife, like everyone's saying on social media, like I don't know what to ask for Christmas, by once I'm gonna get it right, like I think that's why I'm past that.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: So it's important to Like take the love quiz and talk about this monthly or every six months, because those stages do change us.
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: For sure and when you're raising kids or teenagers, or your kids move out, your love language is absolutely gonna be changing.
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: So, and like you always say, you can't speak a language that your spouse doesn't understand.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: So when he's all over me and touchy, touchy, feely and I'm like that's not really like that's loving, that's, it's fine, I can tell the love but it does nothing for her.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: But that doesn't put me in the mood, like when he's like hey, I'll go do this for you.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: That's like, oh my gosh, thank you like.
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: That means a lot to me and that's more my romantic love language.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: So so speaking each other's love language is so important so important should be at the top.
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: The next comment we got was being transparent.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Like, yeah, just nothing to hide.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Everything's totally Out in the open, there's no secrets.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: I wanted to say no secrets.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Being transparent means no secrets and it doesn't mean you have to tell everything like no, I don't tell Amy everything because there's, I mean I don't even want to know everything.
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: Well, there's other.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: There's things that aren't even like it's not going to benefit her life, like she doesn't need to know that I stopped at the gas station to get gas, or she.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: I mean like there's just like there's.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: There's things that are not gonna change anything in the relationship and they would just be time-wasters.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: So I don't mean talking like important things.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah like, like marital kind of things, like being transparent with finances, what you're up to when you're gone for a couple hours.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: I mean you're yeah there's nothing to hide, right like it's pretty simply said.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah right being transparent, but being transparent and then, and creating boundaries together and being transparent about boundaries and then following boundaries that stuff all creates trust and I think emotional intimacy strong emotional intimacy really comes from trust.
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: I Agreed just knowing that you're you're safe in your marriage, you're safe in your relationship and your spouse is trustworthy like that builds so much emotional connection agreed, love it love it.
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: The next answer we got was taking time alone to just talk and touch.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: No physical Expectations, mornings or evenings, just even if it's 20 minutes.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: Now we already just did a podcast episode on sexual intimacy, so this is separate.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: What she's saying is it's not about sex, this is about just emotional connection, touching and talking non sexually.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: That's very important.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: We talk about this often how Couples are only talking for a few minutes each day.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: That's how are you gonna, how are you gonna connect when you're only talking for a couple minutes each day?
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: So make the time to talk to each other, even if it's 20 minutes.
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: Just have that connection 20 minutes and I don't know why on earth somebody wouldn't have 20 minutes to connect with their spouse, like we got four kids.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: We're busy, we have businesses get off your phones Just.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure your screen time is more than 20.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: No one no one is on their devices During the day more than us because of work, but we still make time.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: What's important?
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: Absolutely Um.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Another response we got was my spouse sending me lovely texts.
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna add to that one because there was another comment like that said a nice loving letter or meaningful text expressing their feelings to me, not just saying I love you or I love you back.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: I Think sometimes and I'm gonna say I suck at this one Nick's better at this one, I'm awesome.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: Nick's actually so good at this one.
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: He'll send me romantic texts.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: It's usually on day four.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: There's usually alternative motive.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: That's okay, it's all good.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: That's okay, but he's really good at texting me something sweet or sending me a chat on the ultimate intimacy app, probably weekly, and he's even amazing sometimes, I would say a couple times a year, writing a nice love letter.
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: I Try yeah it's really awesome and I pretty much suck at that.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: So I think you know some spouses would really appreciate that some don't Find out if your spouse does and instead of just saying love you, love you by love you, goodnight, which is kind of more my personality, be more like Nick.
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: No, that's okay, that's.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: I mean we're all different, right.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: I know we are, but we can all improve a little bit like my personality would probably drive Otherwise crazy like you don't drive me crazy.
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: Most of the time I'm taking time alone.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Oh, I already do that one, okay.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: Next one, oh, another one.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: Talking together, talking together, okay.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: I know there's not a lot to say about talking together, but I hear from so many wives that say my husband doesn't really want having deep conversations with me.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: You have nothing to say.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: I agree 100%.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: Why do you think that's important?
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's totally important.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I mean, some of we've talked about this.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: We take showers and some of our best conversations have happened in the shower, like why, we're just like oh, we should have been recording that.
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: That was like an amazing conversation.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: But what about the husbands that don't want to talk to their wives?
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: What do you think's going on there?
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: Are you talked out at work, are you?
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: Are you talking to your friends and you get home and you don't want to talk anymore, like.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: I don't know, I can't speak to that because I I'm probably the more talkative one in our relationship, absolutely so I like to talk so.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: I can't speak to it.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Maybe yeah, I think for a lot of couples maybe if your job work and you're just talking all day long.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: Maybe you just want to come home and you're like I'm exhausted from talking to people, just like if a just like a wife is taking care of the kids and they're constantly being touched all day by the kids and holding them.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: Oftentimes we've heard the last thing they want is physical touch, right?
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: So I think law could depend on what's happening in life and during the day.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: But, that shouldn't be an excuse.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: It can be an excuse, but you got to fix that excuse and you got to realize, okay, my wife might have been home all day, or maybe her job's completely opposite, and she needs someone to express how her day was or how the kids were or what's on her mind, super important.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: And this is where that whole sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, comes in.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: If you want your spouse to make love to you and connect, intimate with you, your spouse has to already feel connected to you, and that emotionally that takes talking, that takes verbal communication, that that takes expressing your feelings and expressing how your day was and listening.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: I think to going back to a podcast, we we did is someone made the comment of men are more of like the title, right, yeah, women are more of like the headline title.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, women are more like the paragraph.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: They get into the details and I think sometimes we as men are just like not in a bad way, but we're just like, yeah, we're really to the point, right.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: You're simple.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: And that doesn't require as much communication.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: And sometimes you know, women want to get into the details, which is totally okay.
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: It's just a different.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: We're just built differently and it's again just like anything else.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: Finding that balance.
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: And it could go vice versa.
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: Like you said, nick's probably more of the talker in our marriage.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: Usually after intimate times I roll over and want to go to bed and he's like let's talk.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: True that.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: Sometimes right, so it can be different in everyone's marriage.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: But what's important is emotional connection is really really important.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: If you want to be really intimately close, If you want that intimate, if you want sexual intimacy to be like connecting and intimate, you've got to have those deep conversations.
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: You got to be on the same level there.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: The next one is such a good point and I love this one.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: This guy said talking about how to improve our relationship, as well as the things that are going well.
• 18:42
  Speaker 3: And what pops into my mind for this comment is having I call it like a weekly marriage checkup or a monthly marriage checkup.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: It doesn't.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: It's not really a checkup, but it's kind of like a tune in, like where are we, how's our sexual intimacy, how's our emotional intimacy, what can we improve on and what's going really well, and we talk about this all the time and it's so important because I remember asking Amy one day we were talking on my gay on a scale of one to 10, how do you feel like our marriage is?
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: And I'm thinking she's going to say a nine or 10.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: And she says, ah, you know, six or seven.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: And I'm like six or seven, what?
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: What's going on?
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: And so that prompted a good conversation and I understood, you know maybe, why she was feeling that way.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: I don't remember exactly what it was, but I was like, oh, I need, we need to do better at this.
• 19:33
  Speaker 3: I had no idea.
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: I can tell you what it was.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Do I want to know?
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, in front of all air the laundry in front of all these people.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: I said, our marriage is really good, but I feel like we're in a stage of life where it's just kind of mediocre, boring, like I feel like we didn't have all like it was kind of like a take care of the kids, work all day, fix dinner, go to bed, turn on some TV, do it all again day after day.
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: It's just kind of the routine life, the stage of life that we're in, right, and it's not that that's bad.
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: I did express to him.
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: I said I'd like to have a little more exciting date nights or plan a trip or just maybe take up a new activity or a hobby or just add some more fun into our life.
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: So what did I do recently?
• 20:16
  Speaker 3: I booked us a trip.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I booked a trip.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: You admitted you agreed to that.
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: The trip was your answer.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: So totally.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: So, anyways, the point of that was a spark to conversation.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: We kind of figured out okay, how are you feeling?
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: How are you feeling?
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: He was feeling great.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: I was kind of like, well, I need a little more of this.
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: And instead of being offended by anything we had a really good conversation about, well, how could we make our life a little more exciting, or our marriage, our date nights a little more exciting?
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: And it doesn't take anything major, it just took a conversation right.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: Exactly, it just took a conversation.
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: So talking about where your intimate life is, on all areas of intimacy, where it's at and how you can, and even if it's doing well, just saying hey, you know, I really loved that you wrote me that letter this week.
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: It made me feel really, really thankful, or it was really appreciative, like it would just made me feel good, or I really love that you initiated sex this week.
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: It made it.
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: Put me on top of the world.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: I feel like and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like overcoming things with sexual intimacy can be a lot more difficult, even though it's just one specific thing.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: But I feel like overcoming things with emotional intimacy is a lot easier, even though you're Dilling with so many different emotions and so many things, such as love languages and date nights and things like that.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: Like I really, you know you think it would be the other way, but I really, I really believe that's the way it is Feel.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: Fulfilling the emotional intimacy needs to me is a lot easier than figuring out this sexual intimacy.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sometimes but, but obviously, yeah, I mean really, it comes down to just Everything, comes down to just good communication.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: If you, if you can figure out one thing in your marriage and have one thing in your marriage, that will really transform everything.
• 22:09
  Speaker 3: It is communication for sure, which can be very tricky with different personality types.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: Easy for us, not so easy for the type A people that have a lot of pride.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: But if both spouses want to do it and it's done the right way, it should be pretty easy.
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: It should be.
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: It should be, it should be.
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: The next comment we got was being aware of when either of us needs extra support.
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: Extra support, encouraging words or compliments and this comes down to Knowing your spouse and and feeling your spouse like really being able to tell when they're sad, being able to tell when they're upset about something, be able to tell when they're, when they need a hug, when they need some love, when they need encouraging words and this pretty much sums up emotional connection, because when you can look at your spouse and feel that they need something from you, you're probably pretty connected to them and then giving them that little boost of whatever it is they need right.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sure.
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: Like I thought that was a really great comment because being aware is really key and being aware takes Putting your phone down, not being distracted all the time, just being aware, like.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: What a great word.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, love it.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: The next one, to build emotional connection and marriage is open and honesty.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: And I don't even know, I Don't think there's much to say to that, because being honest in a marriage is 100%.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: Do you even add?
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: anything to that.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: You just have.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: You have to be honest.
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: There's anything that's even a white little tiny light in your marriage.
• 23:42
  Speaker 3: Like it's not okay.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Like just be honest with your spouse Getting to know each other on dates and keep dating each other.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: Let's talk about that for a sec.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I think we've written an article, we've talked about it before how date night changed our marriage, and I think Every everything kind of happens in date night.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: You're communicating, so the communication is gonna be better.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: You're spending that time together, or you're.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: I Mean, I don't know.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: I just feel like so many things.
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: If you just did one thing every week, which was date night, I, you'd see your marriage, every aspect of your marriage, change for the better because you're giving your marriage like solid hours of quality time, no distractions.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: Well, that's what you're supposed to be giving quality time, emotional connection just fun friendship fine friendship.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're, you're, I Get probably talking about your marriage, your kids.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: You're connecting your goals, just Conversations and most date nights should, if it works should end with sex.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's a what, a what a great way.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: I mean doesn't have to but I have to.
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but if you're connected for hours, why not?
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and a lot of people say that they try to make sex part of their date nights because they're already just connecting and Together and if there's not a better night of the week.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean right.
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: I liked this comment a lot.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: She said feeling loved, feeling cherished, feeling adored, feeling respected, feeling wanted and feeling needed.
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: If that doesn't just sum everything up, too like men want those things too.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: Every time we do a survey About what sexual intimacy, intimacy, means to a husband, that is their answer desired and needed loved, respected, needed, cherished, loved and wanted, like, literally, that is the answer.
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: So this kid?
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: That response came from a wife.
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: So, when it comes to emotional intimacy, that is how they, that is how they feel connected by feeling those things, and and vice versa, for the men that have a high drive, that is how they, what they get through sexual intimacy.
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: So if you didn't get to listen to our last episode on sexual intimacy, rejection, we talk about this going hand-in-hand with the emotional connection.
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: Right, absolutely we want we want the same things in our marriages.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: We really do.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: We just feel them in different ways.
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: The next one is taking the time to listen to your spouse share anything they would like with you and that came from a husband.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: And yes, we've already talked about communicating and talking, but we didn't reiterate on how important listening is.
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: Like you can't be sitting on your phone while your spouse is talking to you, that does not count and sometimes your spouse just needs to dump their problems on you sometimes and that you got to be there.
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: That's what best friends do, right?
• 26:37
  Speaker 3: I mean, if you want an intimate marriage, you should be each other's best friends and best friends.
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: Best friends talk about everything.
• 26:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, good and the bad good and the bad, being curious and interested about what I'm sharing and sharing back as well.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: I get a lot of wives that say my husband will listen to me and listen to me, and listen to me.
• 26:59
  Speaker 3: He just doesn't have much to say.
• 27:01
  Speaker 3: Like I think wives want, and some men want, that conversation.
• 27:09
  Speaker 3: They want you to be part of that conversation, like that's where they're gonna get the emotional connection out of it.
• 27:13
  Speaker 3: It's not you, just them rambling and you listening, but them but at least acting like I think the words engaged Engaged right.
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: To really engage in that conversation.
• 27:24
  Speaker 3: Someone said intimate desire for your spouse.
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: That goes hand-in-hand with the sexual intimacy that we always talk about.
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: Go back to the last podcast episode Any type of selfless service.
• 27:38
  Speaker 3: I'm just gonna read a few more in the end Impromptu hugs whenever we need no questions asked, I just need a hug.
• 27:45
  Speaker 3: I hope that all spouses feel like they can just give their spouse a hug and know when their spouse needs a hug.
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: Listening, validating each other's perspectives on situations, chats on the couch, on the bed, chiming in non-sexual physical touch more often, just opening your heart.
• 28:10
  Speaker 3: I could just safe and secure, to feel safe and secured in the marriage.
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: I could go on and on and on, but I think we covered the basics.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean.
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: Right To feel, loved to feel desired to feel wanted.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: To sum it up have good, open communication.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: Be engaged in that communication.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: Have date nights connect in that way as well.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Be open and honest.
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: Remember we titled this rejection when it comes to emotional intimacy, since we don't really talk about rejection.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: If you're not doing these things.
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: Okay, it's no different than the podcast we just did, where the spouse is like I don't want to have sex, I don't want to have sex, I don't want to have sex.
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: This goes the other way around with emotional.
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: If your spouse feels loved through emotional connection which is typically women typically women need this before sexual intimacy and you're not giving them the connection, you're not listening to them much, you're not really engaging in conversation, those things we talked about they're gonna feel rejected.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: the way you are, you're not showing them you love them through their love language, which I think is a big thing.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: I think men in general could do a lot better job showing their spouse they love them through their love language, because for most men their love language is sexual intimacy.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: As long as they're getting sexual intimacy met or kind of met, that's their love language, right?
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: I think we often forget how important it is to show our wives how much we love them through the love language that they speak Absolutely.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: If either of you are feeling rejected in any way in your marriage, if this sexual intimacy isn't strong, if the emotional intimacy isn't strong, figure out those barriers.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: Talk to each other and don't point fingers.
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: Just have a loving, vulnerable conversation where you both listen and really try and care to figure out that barrier and knock it down right.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: And if you want to connect more emotionally and sexually, check out the Ultimate Intimacy Retreat, march 21st to 24th in beautiful St George, utah.
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: It's limited to smaller groups.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: We're not gonna have a whole lot of people there.
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: We're gonna do some amazing and fun things.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: The food is gonna be some of the best food you've had.
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: And you'll probably never learn more or better things about emotional connection and actually getting more emotionally connected to your spouse than this time.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so check it out at ultimateintimacycom slash retreats.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: Let us know if you have any questions and we hope to see you there.