Latest / Pretty In Pink Again / Episode 74: Unpopular Millennial Mom Opinions We’re Probably Going to Get Judged For: Hot Takes on Gentle Parenting, Screen Time & Birthday Parties

Transcript

Episode 74: Unpopular Millennial Mom Opinions We’re Probably Going to Get Judged For: Hot Takes on Gentle Parenting, Screen Time & Birthday Parties · Pretty In Pink Again

• 0:00
  I'm Christina.
• 0:01
  And I'm Te.
• 0:02
  And this is the Pretty in Pink Again podcast.
• 0:04
  Where motherhood meets rediscovery.
• 0:05
  Sorry.
• 0:16
  Are you okay?
• 0:19
  I'm not.
• 0:19
  Same.
• 0:20
  Also same.
• 0:21
  I forgot the line.
• 0:22
  That's, it's fine.
• 0:23
  Maybe we need to set a new one.
• 0:24
  You know how some mornings you, like, wake up and you're like,"Oh.
• 0:27
  Boop.
• 0:27
  Boop." Yeah.
• 0:27
  This is not that day for either of us.
• 0:29
  No.
• 0:29
  No.
• 0:29
  Today's the opposite of that day.
• 0:30
  We've been having days where we're both, at least we're, like, on the same page, except with our outfits today.
• 0:38
  Like- Oh literally I'm too hot to wear that.
• 0:42
  I'm, like, sweating I texted Tia a picture, that's a little behind-the-scenes which we've shared before, is that we try to, like, semi-coordinate.
• 0:49
  Not, looks.
• 0:49
  It's not like we're like, oh, but- Matchy-matchy we, yeah, we don't wanna match, but it's like what's the vibe?
• 0:55
  Yeah.
• 0:55
  What's the vibe today?
• 0:57
  And I said,"What's the vibe today?" Because it's raining and disgusting.
• 1:01
  It's 60 degrees.
• 1:02
  It really feels like fall today, and I was like,"I'm coming over in lounge wear," and I literally have on- Slippers?
• 1:07
  slides.
• 1:08
  Like, slipper slides.
• 1:09
  I'm like, this is all you're getting out of me today." And you're like,"Cool.
• 1:12
  Cute." And then I come in, and she looks like she's like Blair Waldorf.
• 1:16
  Like, plaid set, loafers.
• 1:19
  I love plaid.
• 1:20
  Done.
• 1:20
  I think plaid's in.
• 1:22
  Yeah, but you, like, completely fucked me over today.
• 1:24
  Sorry.
• 1:25
  So she looks cute, and- Sorry, let's just- I do not that's what happens when we record at my house.
• 1:30
  I know.
• 1:31
  House rules.
• 1:31
  I know.
• 1:32
  House rules.
• 1:33
  Do you want me to go change?
• 1:34
  No.
• 1:35
  I'm just saying.
• 1:36
  I put this on because I was scrubbing toilets, and I was sweating.
• 1:40
  Yeah, you were hot.
• 1:41
  So I just threw something on, and this is what I had to throw on.
• 1:43
  She just threw on a cutie-patootie- when- little, like, Upper East Side getup.
• 1:47
  Like- When you have a set, I love a set.
• 1:51
  Well, I'm in a set.
• 1:51
  I was too hot for a set like that.
• 1:53
  I know.
• 1:53
  You just, look put together.
• 1:55
  Thank you, but- So, but I- I'm a little cozier than you right now Well, now I just turned the air on in here,'cause I was sweating.
• 2:02
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:03
  I don't know.
• 2:04
  Well- I'm too hot, too cold Goldilocks.
• 2:07
  I feel like this is actually very fitting, because today we're gonna talk about unpopular opinions as a millennial mom, so maybe we'll be agreeing or disagreeing the whole time today.
• 2:17
  Okay.
• 2:18
  Okay.
• 2:18
  I like it.
• 2:18
  I like it.
• 2:19
  Do you have anything else to share with the class before we get into this?
• 2:22
  Ugh.
• 2:23
  I don't know.
• 2:23
  How was the first week of school for the kids?
• 2:24
  What do I have to share with the class?
• 2:26
  Actually, the first week was, like, fine.
• 2:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 2:29
  It was fine.
• 2:29
  Although, we have a very early wake-up call.
• 2:33
  My oldest son has to be out the door at 6:40 AM.
• 2:36
  That's insane.
• 2:36
  It's an early- That is insane and also he doesn't go to bed until late.
• 2:41
  I mean, last night I was like,"Lights out," and it was, like, 9:30.
• 2:44
  I remember when I was in high school, I used to wake up at, like, 5:00 something.
• 2:50
  What?
• 2:51
  Yeah, to get ready.
• 2:52
  Oh.
• 2:52
  Like, it was like, it was probably, like, before 6:00, but it might have been, like, 5:45 or something to get ready, because the bus would come or my dad would drop me off at school.
• 3:01
  Right.
• 3:01
  Right.
• 3:01
  And it was like we had to leave super early.
• 3:03
  And then I remember when I got to college, I took the first semester an 8:00 AM class, because I was like,"That seems so late," right?
• 3:11
  But that was early college.
• 3:11
  And then when you get to college, it's like, like, 8:00 AM.
• 3:15
  It's like night classes.
• 3:15
  I know some schools- They have high school start later.
• 3:18
  They do like reverse- Right so the kids could sleep in, which is- Right kinda nice for them.
• 3:23
  It makes more sense because right now Leo will get up between probably 6:30 and 7:00, like slightly after 7:00, and s- and his cl- school doesn't start till after 9:00, and it just feels like it's such a long morning, you know?
• 3:39
  Right.
• 3:39
  Like right now.
• 3:39
  Right.
• 3:39
  And I'm like,"It should be opposite." Right.
• 3:41
  Like- I ag- 100% agree.
• 3:43
  I, I get it.
• 3:44
  Well, the girls are like,"Mom, we're ready to go.
• 3:46
  We're ready to go." Like, come on." We had picture day today, and there was a couple wardrobe malfunctions and hair,'cause it was raining.
• 3:53
  It's really not- Like the curls- a great picture day vibe the curls fell.
• 3:56
  Like, she was not feeling it.
• 3:58
  Yeah, I wouldn't be feeling it either.
• 3:59
  But, oh, it's fine.
• 4:02
  It's fine.
• 4:03
  She, they went.
• 4:03
  They're there.
• 4:04
  Okay.
• 4:05
  So here we are.
• 4:06
  Here we are.
• 4:07
  So today we are going to do unpopular opinions, millennial mom edition.
• 4:13
  And we just kind of came up with, like, a running list of thoughts, and we're gonna go through it and kind of say if we agree or disagree with each other.
• 4:22
  Okay.
• 4:22
  And we're gonna keep it light today.
• 4:24
  Okay.
• 4:24
  I like it.
• 4:25
  All right give me an unpopular opinion.
• 4:27
  You can kick it off since you've been a mom longer.
• 4:30
  Okay.
• 4:31
  I think my opinion has changed recently.
• 4:34
  Okay.
• 4:34
  So this is one.
• 4:35
  Kids do not need an activity every single day.
• 4:39
  I love this.
• 4:40
  Okay.
• 4:40
  Tell me.
• 4:41
  Expand on this more because I am in agreement with you, and my kids are little, so like- Right but I feel the pressure even with very little kids.
• 4:50
  Yeah.
• 4:50
  Like, we're just kinda getting out of the toddler years, and I feel the pressure to have them in an activity every single day.
• 4:57
  I agree, and we tried that, and it doesn't always- It's crazy work out.
• 5:00
  So did you watch Toy Story 5 yet- No with your kids?
• 5:02
  No.
• 5:03
  So I don't wanna spoil it for you, but what happens in Toy Story 5 is that the kids stop playing with toys, and they start being consumed by their devices.
• 5:13
  Mm.
• 5:13
  And all they do is device time, and I feel like this is related to this because sometimes I feel like my kids have two speeds.
• 5:21
  They're glued to their device- Mm-hmm or they're overscheduled doing a bunch of different activities.
• 5:26
  Like, there's no in between.
• 5:27
  There's no in between, and I was like, this is-- have I, as a parent, as a human being, forgotten how to show how to be in between?
• 5:37
  Because sometimes I think I forget how to live in between.
• 5:40
  For sure.
• 5:40
  I'm glued to my phone, or I'm enrolling myself in 500 million activities, and then if we have, like, a day off, we're, purging or cleaning the garage, or we are doing something that we think gives value in, productivity.
• 5:54
  Right.
• 5:55
  So I don't know how to model to my kids this in between.
• 5:58
  So my long-winded answer of this is if you don't know how much is too much for yourself, how are you supposed to know how much is too much for your kids?
• 6:08
  I don't think kids need to be in something every day after school.
• 6:10
  Ava's first grade teacher actually told me that school is enough of an activity for a first grader.
• 6:16
  That's very interesting.
• 6:17
  She-'cause I had said to her, I go,"Ava doesn't really have a lot of interests outside of school.
• 6:21
  She really loves reading, she loves writing, she loves math." I go,"She does like piano, and she does that once a week, but like, should I be- What else do we do?
• 6:28
  Yeah pushing her to do more?" And she said,"School is enough.
• 6:32
  She likes her studies.
• 6:33
  This is enough.
• 6:34
  Don't put pressure on you or her to make her do more." I agree with you.
• 6:41
  So do I l- live and practice that?
• 6:43
  Have I had my kids enrolled in two sports?
• 6:47
  Well, you've done that.
• 6:48
  A- Right season.
• 6:49
  But then you pulled back- Yes a little bit this year.
• 6:51
  This year we have a very different fall.
• 6:54
  And that was, like, a different approach, though.
• 6:56
  So tell us that, because I- So I- When you told me that- Yeah I was like, wow, that's enlightening- Right because I feel like everywhere else you're looking it's like- more, more, more, more what, more, more, more, more.
• 7:06
  Yeah.
• 7:06
  So a couple things happened.
• 7:09
  My oldest son didn't make a team, and he wasn't as devastated as I thought he would be, and neither were Nick and I.
• 7:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:17
  We were actually kind of relieved.
• 7:19
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:20
  And once he didn't make this team, we were actually able to say to him, like,"What do you, what are your goals for, like, high school?
• 7:26
  What do you wanna be doing with your time?" And he shared with us, like,"I wanna play racket sports.
• 7:31
  I wanna concentrate on school.
• 7:33
  I wanna, like, go biking and golf." He was naming things that, like, we do as a family.
• 7:38
  Like recreational, a little bit more.
• 7:38
  Recreational stuff.
• 7:39
  Mm-hmm.
• 7:40
  So this past summer, he didn't do any, there's a name for it, it's called edging, to try to get, like, an edge up for the next year.
• 7:48
  Ooh, okay.
• 7:48
  He didn't do anything that was, like, edging.
• 7:50
  Yeah.
• 7:50
  Like, oh, I wanna practice this shot so I can make this team or whatever.
• 7:55
  He just was a kid, and we did a lot of things as a family.
• 7:59
  Yeah.
• 7:59
  Like we did, we went family golfing, we went family bike rides.
• 8:02
  We went to concerts.
• 8:03
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:03
  And it was a lot of nice family time, and I said, like,"I want this to continue to the fall." Yeah,'cause you didn't want, like, September 1st to come and then all of a sudden all that goes away, and then they're scheduled every single day of every single minute.
• 8:16
  So that's what kind of, kicked this off.
• 8:19
  And I'm still working on- showing the kids that you can kind of like chill- Mm-hmm and not have to be, always doing anything, but that's, more work for me and Nick on the back end.
• 8:30
  He and I kinda have to, like, figure that out, you know?
• 8:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 8:34
  Like, we look at an open day, and we're like,"Oh, what could we do today?" Right.
• 8:37
  "Where could we go?" Right.
• 8:37
  "How many, how many activities can we cram in here," you know?
• 8:40
  Yeah.
• 8:40
  "How many memories can we make?" But, you know.
• 8:42
  I completely agree, and I'll piggyback off- Yeah of that because we are, have started, I would say, over the last year to do some more outside activities, and I do feel the pressure what are they doing today?
• 8:56
  What are we doing...
• 8:57
  Like, is there an activity for Layla today?
• 9:00
  And there has to be something.
• 9:01
  She's enrolled in three things a week, which is aggressive, but it's to keep her busy, and then she's gonna be starting school, so it's, like, she's gonna have something every day, and I was kind of under the impression that that's expected.
• 9:16
  They need to be going, going, going.
• 9:18
  And then if I even look at outside of that, outside of school and, structured activities, I even feel this pressure to get them outside of the house every single day.
• 9:29
  Okay, what are we doing today?
• 9:31
  We're gonna go to the park.
• 9:31
  We're gonna go to a indoor trampoline park.
• 9:34
  Like, there's something every day, and the expectation from the kids is that there has to be something every single day, I'm finding, and there's not this,"Okay, we're just home.
• 9:47
  Like, we're creating the kids to expect- Right that something is every day.
• 9:51
  And I remember as a kid just being bored.
• 9:55
  There's nothing to do today.
• 9:57
  Figure it out.
• 9:58
  We're not taking you somewhere.
• 9:59
  It's not like there has to be an activity or some sort of outing where it's, there's money required, entrance fees, all of this.
• 10:07
  Like, that, that's the expectation now.
• 10:09
  Right.
• 10:09
  And I'm trying to be like,"No, we don't have anything to do today," or, like,"Be home.
• 10:14
  Sorry." Right.
• 10:15
  Like,"We're home.
• 10:15
  Be bored.
• 10:15
  Go play." Right.
• 10:16
  And it is crazy.
• 10:18
  I don't remember that as a kid- feeling that need to be sh- having this structured activity- Right every single day, and that's what we're creating for our kids.
• 10:27
  And sometimes my kids don't even wanna go out.
• 10:29
  They are like,"Why do we have to go?" And then if I say the words to them,"You don't appreciate this," like, you might as well just say to yourself, Christine, you have not taught your kids how to appreciate something.
• 10:39
  Yeah.
• 10:39
  You haven't taught them, this falls on me.
• 10:40
  It, it- This is my fault I think a lot of this- It falls on me falls on us.
• 10:43
  And then I think along that line, having this insane pressure to make every moment of their childhood magical.
• 10:52
  Do you feel like that sort of- Well, we're not like TV producers.
• 10:55
  But do you feel like that?
• 10:57
  Like again, I sometimes always, my, my thing all the time is that everything always goes back to social media, and I'm like online too much, you know?
• 11:06
  But it's, I feel this pressure.
• 11:09
  Do I do it?
• 11:10
  Do I do anything with the pressure?
• 11:11
  Not really, but I do feel the pressure to like make these moments magical.
• 11:17
  All of the s- the small moments, like birthdays and just every single holiday, like whether even if it's a small holiday like Valentine's Day for kids or something.
• 11:27
  I just feel this pressure, like everything needs to be Pinteresty and cutesy and like, oh, should they wake up with balloons and should there be bunny pancakes for Easter?
• 11:37
  Mm.
• 11:37
  And like all these things, like I feel this pressure, and it's probably because I see it, you know?
• 11:42
  And then I'm like,"Oh, but I'm not doing that." So do you do that?
• 11:45
  Sometimes I try to make things special, but We're much more, and I would say my husband anchors this much more, like experiences type of people, so we try to, like, make the experience special- Right, but even, but even- but not every day but even that could be, like, facilitating magical moments- Yes even with an experience.
• 12:05
  Yes, I guess that's true.
• 12:06
  You know?
• 12:07
  That there's just this pressure to make I guess, ordinary things extra special for the kids.
• 12:13
  Yeah.
• 12:13
  Do you feel like that?
• 12:15
  I mean, I do, and I think w- I think once in a while trying to make somebody feel special, I don't think that there's, like, a bad thing.
• 12:21
  No.
• 12:21
  Like, Monday is a- Right mundane thing.
• 12:23
  Like- You have the cookie Mondays I do cookie Monday, like something, turning something mundane into something- Right a little bit more fun every so often.
• 12:31
  I think that that's cute, like- Is cute, but I don't feel pressure- to do that.
• 12:36
  I think that that's- You know?
• 12:37
  that that's the difference.
• 12:38
  Like, I remember one time you had said that you made a little itinerary for one of your, day trips.
• 12:43
  Yeah.
• 12:44
  And, I do think that that stuff is special, but when it comes to you, right, when you're just, like, inspired.
• 12:49
  But I'm sort of talking more about the pressure to make things magical.
• 12:55
  Right.
• 12:55
  Like, when I watch people set up their house the night before their kid's birthday- Right I'm like,"I would much rather be sleeping." Right, Like- the day before school- You know or, or the last day of school.
• 13:05
  We didn't even take a first day of school photo this year.
• 13:07
  Wow.
• 13:07
  My kids did not have a picture that said, like, with the sign,"First day of school." Right.
• 13:11
  We didn't do, like, a bun temple for- Right picture on the first day of school.
• 13:15
  And that would bother me right now, there was no, like, Instagram or even, like, text to the family group chat.
• 13:22
  We didn't do it.
• 13:23
  The first day of school was tricky for two of the kids.
• 13:27
  I could barely get them to go to school.
• 13:28
  You were in survival mode, yeah.
• 13:29
  So there was no time- Mm-hmm to pause and be like,"Smile"-"in your outfit." Right.
• 13:34
  Like, no.
• 13:34
  Right.
• 13:35
  There was,"Get the phone out of my face." I think magical moments happen when the phone is not around, and when my phone is out- Yeah they, clam up.
• 13:43
  Yeah.
• 13:44
  I agree.
• 13:45
  Um- We think that gentle parenting has been misunderstood.
• 13:50
  Oh, that's a good one.
• 13:51
  We had a whole episode about that- Yeah like last year at some point, so I'll, I'll link it again.
• 13:56
  I think the word gentle, really throws it off, and it has started to mean passive.
• 14:03
  And when we deep dived into that during that episode and why we had kind of issues with that, we were actually realizing that the definition does not mean passive.
• 14:15
  Right.
• 14:15
  But it's taken and executed- a lot of times as passive, and that's really not the true meaning.
• 14:22
  So it's, it's definitely misunderstood- Right in some cases.
• 14:25
  Not everybody, but I think it's definitely misunderstood.
• 14:28
  Right.
• 14:29
  And i've found that I don't even know if I wanna even label my parenting because I think that you kind of have to parent kids differently depending on the kid.
• 14:40
  So I don't know if that's a hot take- Right or not.
• 14:43
  And that's obviously, like, me getting out of the toddler years and starting to have more kid kids, and that's how, what I'm finding.
• 14:51
  I'm curious if your take is that, too.
• 14:53
  Oh, 100%, and I think it also depends on, like, what's going on in their life, the day, the stage you're in.
• 15:01
  The stage.
• 15:02
  Yeah.
• 15:02
  But I- I think, I think it's also okay for your parenting style to evolve, even with the same kid, you might have to take a different approach at different times depending on what's going on- Right in their lives, in your lives, in the family dynamic.
• 15:16
  I think we should just, like you said, go label-less.
• 15:18
  Label-less.
• 15:19
  Yeah.
• 15:20
  You know?
• 15:20
  Yeah.
• 15:20
  I mean, you love your kids.
• 15:22
  You model things to your kids.
• 15:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:24
  Like, I think we have to just keep things simple with the kids.
• 15:28
  The formula shouldn't be that hard, if you want your kids to try to behave some way, you have to show it in yourself.
• 15:35
  Right.
• 15:35
  You know?
• 15:36
  Like, my girls are filming these day in the life videos, and they're changing their outfit 16 times.
• 15:41
  And I'm like,"What are you doing?" And then I'm like,"Oh, I'm the mother."'Cause I'm doing it.
• 15:44
  Or they don't wanna eat breakfast in the morning.
• 15:46
  I'm the mother.
• 15:47
  I don't eat breakfast in the morning.
• 15:48
  Like, they watch what I'm doing.
• 15:50
  Mm-hmm.
• 15:50
  And I can't take credit for everything as a parent, but a lot of the times they watch me.
• 15:56
  You know?
• 15:57
  Right.
• 15:57
  So I can't expect my kids to be a certain way when I'm a certain way.
• 16:02
  And I feel like parenting is, like, an extension of, you.
• 16:05
  You really learn that.
• 16:06
  Oh, here we go.
• 16:07
  Kids don't need a toy every time we go somewhere.
• 16:10
  Oh my God.
• 16:10
  And it doesn't even need to be like a toy.
• 16:12
  It could be like a souvenir, merch- Okay, yeah a something- Mm-hmm every time we go anywhere.
• 16:17
  So we went to the US Open on Saturday- Yeah and we were on our way there.
• 16:20
  I actually have this on film.
• 16:21
  I should send it to you,'cause I was filming a day in the life.
• 16:24
  And Nick said,"All right, kids, everybody listen up.
• 16:27
  Everybody is allowed one item, and that one item cannot exceed$50.
• 16:33
  And if you choose your item and it's$10, that's still your item.
• 16:36
  And I looked at him and I go,"Does that include me, too?" But anyway, I thought about it after.
• 16:41
  So Ava ended up not getting anything, because sh- there was nothing that she liked.
• 16:45
  And Joseph got a keychain, Vincent got a keychain.
• 16:50
  Mila didn't get anything, because she had an outburst on the way there, so she lost- She lost the privilege her privileges.
• 16:57
  I don't remember ever getting like a pep talk like that from my parents.
• 17:00
  And I would have never even dared to ask.
• 17:03
  It's wild.
• 17:04
  But we have like- Again, we're setting that though we have to have pep talks.
• 17:07
  We're blaming...
• 17:08
  Yep.
• 17:08
  We have to have pep talks so it's not like Supermarket Sweep stakes when we go somewhere.
• 17:12
  Yep.
• 17:13
  "This, this, this." Yep, yep.
• 17:14
  What about along those lines?
• 17:16
  Like, Siblings having to have everything be equal.
• 17:19
  Oh.
• 17:20
  'Cause you just said, like- Oh my God, I almost- that was kind of- I almost just threw up even just thinking about it.
• 17:25
  Because if I say it's so hard in this house.
• 17:27
  I don't know if your kids have started with it yet.
• 17:29
  Like, oh, Layla has this or Leo has this.
• 17:32
  Like, everything has to be the same.
• 17:34
  Like- 100%.
• 17:35
  Yeah.
• 17:35
  It's- My kids think that everything has to be- Equal the same, and it's not that linear.
• 17:40
  It's so hard.
• 17:42
  You know?
• 17:42
  And then I feel guilty if I don't distribute things equally.
• 17:46
  We started this jar of stars.
• 17:48
  It hangs on the wall.
• 17:50
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:50
  And then you put these, like, little tokens in so that you can- Oh physically add them.
• 17:53
  We, debated if we, do stickers or, but we, they like to, like, actually- The chip, yeah put them in the jar.
• 17:58
  And they both filled their jars.
• 18:01
  And then Leo got to pick what he wanted, and Layla got to pick what she wanted.
• 18:06
  And Leo picked first.
• 18:07
  He knew what he was saving up his jars for, so he couldn't even wait.
• 18:11
  Literally the morning that the jar was full- Right he was like,"Where are we going?" Like,"I wanna go get my gift." And Then when Layla, a couple days later, picked her item, he wanted what she had, and that was like a whole...
• 18:25
  I'm like- Mm we cannot.
• 18:27
  I feel like every time we try to do something it backfires.
• 18:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:30
  And then there's a tantrum from what we're trying to teach them.
• 18:33
  Right, a fight ensues.
• 18:34
  Yes.
• 18:35
  And it's so frustrating because is the value of what she picked in line with what he picked?
• 18:41
  Is he gonna realize and start a tantrum?
• 18:43
  And that's what happened.
• 18:44
  It's exhausting trying to keep everything even.
• 18:47
  I know.
• 18:47
  But I do think that's fair.
• 18:50
  And that was how I grew up was like things were even.
• 18:53
  Like if we had a budget for gifts or, it was like, okay, you can spend your budget on one item or you can spend it on 50 little items.
• 19:01
  There was a budget in mind and we knew that or whatever.
• 19:04
  So like I do kind of agree with that, but it's really hard for the parents- Right to try to keep it even.
• 19:10
  Right.
• 19:10
  Well, I think I agree that I think that if you have multiple children each kid should technically have the same thing, but the same doesn't always look- It doesn't the same.
• 19:17
  It's not identical in every case.
• 19:20
  Just because you saved up your money and you're ready to go on Monday doesn't- Right mean your sibling is.
• 19:24
  Like maybe they might be- Right like two weeks later.
• 19:26
  Right.
• 19:26
  But that's what happened.
• 19:27
  You know?
• 19:27
  And that's life.
• 19:28
  And then, and, right.
• 19:29
  Right.
• 19:29
  Which we stuck with.
• 19:30
  We said,"Okay, well she took a while to pick her gift- for filling up the jar." But at that time the novelty of his already wore off and he was ready for something else.
• 19:40
  Right.
• 19:40
  And so it gets tricky, but we ha- stuck with it.
• 19:43
  We said that was the rule, but it's hard.
• 19:45
  I know.
• 19:46
  Sometimes we have like if somebody comes with me for like an errand or a run or whatever and then the other one's left behind- Right and then one grabs- Right something while they're out.
• 19:54
  Yes.
• 19:54
  It's like,"Well, they got one and I didn't." It's like I, no.
• 19:57
  No.
• 19:58
  We're not doing this.
• 19:59
  I think just along those lines- And I totally remember even, like, a year and a half ago sitting here and having more of a problem with tantrums.
• 20:09
  I think that the tantrum is a tantrum.
• 20:11
  Yeah.
• 20:11
  You know what I mean?
• 20:12
  I don't know if that's a hot take or not, but it's like you have to get comfortable with knowing that something like that would happen- Right and someone's gonna be pissed, and you just have to deal with it.
• 20:23
  Right.
• 20:23
  And, not try to make everything super even.
• 20:26
  It's like, no, sh- she got something because we were out, and that's why.
• 20:30
  That, instead of having to be like,"Oh, well, I have to then buy something to bring it home," or whate- we, you just kind of have to, like, roll with that.
• 20:37
  I hate, at my age, at 40, that sometimes I think,"Oh, it's not fair." I'm like,"You are such a child.
• 20:44
  Why are you having these that's not fair- It's not fair thoughts creep into your minds?" Right, right.
• 20:48
  You know?
• 20:49
  Yes.
• 20:49
  And if, if I could avoid that for my kids when they're 40, then I would rather them tantrum- Now now.
• 20:55
  So that they don't have to think when they're, like, later on in life"That wasn't fair." Things aren't equal yeah, removing the guilt- Poor me of like, no, not everything is fair all the time.
• 21:04
  How about mom culture?
• 21:06
  Ooh, mom culture.
• 21:07
  Like friends, kids starting school, like, do you have to be friends with all your kids' parents?
• 21:15
  No, I don't think that you have to be friends with everybody, but I think it's okay to be cordial with everybody and be, again, back to what you were saying about modeling good behavior, you might not like everybody necessarily or be immediate best friends with everybody, but I think it's important to model kindness and being open and- So the friend, the word friend can be, like, a very loose term.
• 21:39
  It can.
• 21:40
  Yes.
• 21:40
  And so I think what I mean by this is, like, your kid meets a friend at school.
• 21:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:45
  And, like, now they are tight.
• 21:46
  They wanna hang out all the time.
• 21:48
  Yeah.
• 21:48
  Do you have to have that same relationship with that kid's mom?
• 21:52
  Oh, I really haven't run into that quite, quite yet.
• 21:54
  Yeah.
• 21:55
  Well, i think a lot of times, like, people think- That's the expectation that that's the expectation.
• 22:00
  Or maybe not.
• 22:02
  How do you feel about that?
• 22:04
  When they were little, I naturally became friends with them because they can't hang out without me- Right when they're little.
• 22:09
  So you end up- Yeah, you do the play date you end up doing a d- a play date for yourself, right?
• 22:14
  Yes.
• 22:15
  And you- And I've done those but I'm facilitating the play date.
• 22:18
  But you end up hanging out with another person that may not be, like, your pick or you might even not be, like, their pick.
• 22:26
  Right.
• 22:26
  So then you might accidentally make a circle of friends that aren't even well intent- you're not even well intended for each other.
• 22:33
  So I don't think you have to be friends with your kids'- Yeah.
• 22:37
  I think that- friends' parents it's nice for you to, to have an, a, always a nice relationship.
• 22:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:42
  You know what I mean?
• 22:42
  And, if that means that you're acquaintances, then that means you're acquaintances.
• 22:45
  But then it gets tricky because I'm sure as that relationship with the kids grows, you wanna have trust in the other parent, you know?
• 22:54
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:54
  Because if they're driving your kids somewhere, or if you're dropping them off there I don't know.
• 23:00
  That's very tricky.
• 23:02
  Yeah.
• 23:02
  Because then I would wanna get to know that person more.
• 23:05
  And then I almost feel like it's kind of controlling to only let my kids- Your kids hang out with your fri- go with people that I like, you know?
• 23:13
  Right,'cause it the, on the flip side of this- Ooh is like- That's deep should your kids be friends with, like, who they wanna be friends with or g- or do they have to be friends- Or who you like with who you like's- Ooh children.
• 23:22
  We- Which I don't think that's the right choice either because what if they don't mesh well?
• 23:27
  Ooh, that is a loaded question.
• 23:29
  Yeah.
• 23:30
  So how do you feel about it?
• 23:32
  So, all right, so Joseph's 13 now.
• 23:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:33
  And he has friends, and I don't know the parents.
• 23:35
  They just, like, have naturally- Oof gotten into the same classes, so, like, they have, like, similar interests.
• 23:40
  Yeah.
• 23:41
  And those friends that he has chosen on his own that I don't know the parents are, like, the nicest friends in his life.
• 23:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:47
  'Cause they were facilitated through him and his interests and his intuition for finding friends.
• 23:53
  Yeah.
• 23:53
  Not,"These are your friends," or,"This is a mom that you like, and this is her son." Yeah.
• 23:58
  Exactly.
• 24:00
  Yeah.
• 24:00
  Some of those friendships have just maybe not stood the test of time.
• 24:04
  But I have met the parents because they've come here for sleepovers, they've come here for parties, and the parents all wanted to meet me.
• 24:12
  They didn't- Right, of course just wanna drop and run.
• 24:13
  Right.
• 24:13
  They wanted to meet me.
• 24:15
  Right.
• 24:15
  But it's nice, I don't have to, like, really know them.
• 24:17
  Okay.
• 24:18
  I just have to, like, kinda keep track, like,"Oh, the boys are getting together.
• 24:21
  Is this cool with you if they're here or I bring them there or..." But it doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with all of those parents.
• 24:28
  Mm-mm.
• 24:28
  It does not.
• 24:29
  Okay.
• 24:30
  It does not.
• 24:30
  So that's your take on that.
• 24:31
  That's my take on it.
• 24:32
  Okay.
• 24:32
  I don't think you have to be.
• 24:33
  Yeah.
• 24:34
  Do you think that got easier as the kids got older?
• 24:37
  W- yes.
• 24:38
  Okay.
• 24:38
  Yes.
• 24:39
  Okay.
• 24:39
  This is new.
• 24:39
  So this is, like, a, as the kids progress, this progresses type of thing.
• 24:43
  Correct.
• 24:44
  Okay.
• 24:44
  That, that- Correct seems fair.
• 24:46
  Correct.
• 24:47
  I w- I'll agree with you just because I'm not in that position quite yet.
• 24:50
  Yeah.
• 24:51
  I'm facilitating play dates, and so, yes, my opinion matters right now.
• 24:57
  I'm thinking back to episodes,'cause I think that this is, like, an easy way for us to get, like, a hot take on, you know, or, like, an unpopular opinion or a, an opinion in general.
• 25:07
  But- Obviously, like, what are your thoughts about taking trips without the kids, like girls trips?
• 25:12
  100%.
• 25:13
  Yeah.
• 25:13
  I think you should be able to have time without your kids.
• 25:16
  Mm-hmm.
• 25:17
  I think you should be able to have time without your spouse.
• 25:19
  I think you should be able to have time with your friends.
• 25:21
  I think it's important to kinda, like, have all of those relationships.
• 25:25
  Well, we obviously preach that here, because we both agree with that.
• 25:28
  But do you feel like you get any pushback or side-eyed if you kind of say that you're traveling without your kids?
• 25:35
  So the only person that's ever given me any side-eye is my own mother, and I think because she never did it.
• 25:43
  And I think because she didn't do it because she thought"No, you don't do that." Like, you have kids.
• 25:48
  You're home, you're home.
• 25:49
  Right.
• 25:49
  You're home.
• 25:49
  Right.
• 25:49
  She always had friends.
• 25:50
  She was always social.
• 25:51
  Right, right.
• 25:51
  She still is very social.
• 25:53
  But she never, like, left for, like, a couple of days.
• 25:57
  Yeah.
• 25:58
  She, that was, like, what was modeled to her, and that's what she modeled to us.
• 26:01
  So I think when I went against it, she was like,"What?
• 26:04
  What are you doing?" Yeah, it's different.
• 26:05
  This was early on.
• 26:06
  Now she, like, thinks it's great- Mm-hmm and she's like,"I'll t- I'll come watch the kids.
• 26:10
  Go for it," you know?
• 26:11
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
• 26:11
  But even me and Nick, the first time we got on a plane and left the kids, she was like,"You're leaving the kids?" Yeah.
• 26:16
  "You're going away?" I've gotten those comments.
• 26:19
  So- Like, I get it.
• 26:20
  Like, I- What about what do you think?
• 26:21
  No, I have totally gotten those c- I think, like, if we're talking specifically girls trips, so you would be away from your family- Mm-hmm you know, you'd be away from everybody, yes, I think that's great.
• 26:32
  Like, is it something that I feel comfortable doing all the time?
• 26:36
  No, not right now.
• 26:38
  My kids are little.
• 26:39
  Like, I, and, but I know that you even say that as they get older, and I've actually been hearing this more, that it gets harder.
• 26:45
  So y- yes, I think that it's great to do that, like, once in a while.
• 26:50
  For me, that's, like, a once in a while- Mm-hmm type of thing.
• 26:53
  And, but, and I would rather, right now, I want Raja and I to be able to get away, you know?
• 26:58
  So, like, I think a nice mix of the two of those is great for, like, my mental health- Right and my life.
• 27:04
  If you had to pick your three days away right now, you're gonna pick- With him your husband.
• 27:07
  That's how I feel- Totally right now, and it's just because- And then if you can get that done, then you'll- Yes sprinkle in.
• 27:12
  It's just because when we're home with the kids, it's, we're so on with the kids.
• 27:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:17
  And so having that time away is really nice.
• 27:20
  So if I had to choose, that's what I would feel.
• 27:21
  But I also think that it's important, like, our friendships, like, obviously we're very local to each other, and so we see each other all the time.
• 27:30
  But my friends from home and from college are scattered all over the place, and the only way I can see them is to travel, to see people.
• 27:38
  Overnight.
• 27:39
  Yeah.
• 27:39
  Yes, is to have an overnight.
• 27:40
  Like, everybody lives far away.
• 27:42
  It, it's, it's not feasible to do a lunch with somebody, right?
• 27:47
  And so, like, the only way for me to see those friends is to travel.
• 27:51
  And so maybe that's a little bit different than when our moms were growing up.
• 27:55
  Everyone was probably local, and they could catch up over lunch or over a dinner.
• 27:59
  Right, my mom didn't- But we just don't have that my mom didn't have friends that- Right You know, and family- We're away that we're away.
• 28:04
  Right.
• 28:05
  Whereas we do.
• 28:05
  Yes, I think it's just a lot more common- Yeah now to have people that you love that are away from you, so you have to actually take time away from your family to see that.
• 28:16
  And if that's the case, then, like, go for it because it's so important to keep those friendships alive and, yeah.
• 28:24
  Do you think that the emphasis on friendships and alone time was, like, always there?
• 28:30
  Or do you think that it, like, started once people saw other people doing it on social media?
• 28:37
  I don't know.
• 28:37
  That's a good question.
• 28:39
  You know?
• 28:39
  Like, do you think that if...
• 28:41
  I don't- and I'm not trying to, like, shit on my mom, but, like, I wonder if she saw other people doing it when she was- That she would feel more- in her 30s, if she was like- Mm-hmm"Oh, I want this." But if she never saw anybody doing it, she never, like, wanted for it.
• 28:54
  Yeah.
• 28:54
  And then when she saw me doing it, she's like,"Wait, what are you doing?" I think that could be an entire episode in itself- You know?
• 28:59
  is just the pressure of social media on moms and, like, how it probably, even without you realizing it, even if you're a strong, opinionated person, I think it we- it ends up wearing on you.
• 29:12
  You know?
• 29:12
  Like, it ends up changing- Well- how you view things.
• 29:15
  Even if you're a- Yes strong, opinionated n- you know everything about yourself person, I do think you can be influenced by- I 100%- social media am influenced all the time.
• 29:26
  Same.
• 29:26
  And I'll even take it one step further, which is, this is so embarrassing.
• 29:30
  I told you I was, like, cleaning out my closet, and I was like, I ordered all this stuff.
• 29:33
  I don't even need it.
• 29:34
  I'm returning it.
• 29:35
  Like, I just, I did, like, a huge purge.
• 29:37
  So with a purge, I was like,"I don't need all of this, like, extra stuff." Mm-hmm.
• 29:41
  So one of the dresses I'm returning I was gonna wear for my birthday.
• 29:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:45
  And I was like, I don't even need to wear this.
• 29:47
  I have 10 dresses in here that I could wear.
• 29:49
  But the first thought that came in my head was, well, then I shouldn't, I'm not gonna post the dinner picture on Instagram because this is, like, a repeat outfit.
• 29:58
  I'm like, what is wrong with you- Yes that, that- Yes that thought even crossed your mind?
• 30:04
  Yep.
• 30:04
  I- Who's actually gonna care, number one?
• 30:06
  Or even realize it.
• 30:07
  And number two, realize it.
• 30:08
  And number three, like, why do I care?
• 30:10
  I know.
• 30:11
  If I'm at a dinner with my husband and my four kids- Mm-hmm why do I care- I know if somebody's seen me in that dress before, so I can't post the perfect birthday picture in a repeat dress?
• 30:21
  It's crazy.
• 30:21
  Like, are you stupid?
• 30:22
  I know, but that's, it, so even if you know it, it's still the thought that creeps in- Yeah and then it kind of influences you, even if you don't mean it to or even if you have a strong opinion about something.
• 30:34
  Right.
• 30:34
  Like, you know that doesn't even matter, but it's still the thought that creeps in and is there.
• 30:39
  So I 100% think that a lot of shit now stems back or stems to- social media influencing and creeping into our thoughts.
• 30:49
  So for sure, back to, like, the traveling.
• 30:53
  Yeah.
• 30:53
  Yes.
• 30:53
  I think that...
• 30:55
  Yeah All right, here's a good one.
• 31:00
  Moms are allowed to have hobbies that have absolutely nothing to do with their children.
• 31:04
  100%.
• 31:05
  Yes.
• 31:06
  Of course, you're supposed- Yes to have hobbies.
• 31:08
  Yes.
• 31:08
  You're supposed to have a life outside of your children.
• 31:10
  Mm-hmm.
• 31:11
  Is it cool when you get to share your hobbies with your kids- Mm-hmm so your kids can see you- Yep as somebody that is, like, creative and interesting?
• 31:19
  Yep.
• 31:19
  100%, but that's for you.
• 31:21
  You are allowed to have your own stuff.
• 31:23
  But I'll even take it a step, again, kind of like what I did with the girls trip.
• 31:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 31:29
  It's, for me right now, I am still modifying those hobbies around when it's convenient for me.
• 31:37
  So, like, right now, it is important for me not to miss bedtime as much as possible.
• 31:43
  You know what I mean?
• 31:44
  Like, I don't...
• 31:44
  So yes, would I love to go learn and play mahjong, and would I like to go and do things maybe like a book club or something?
• 31:53
  But that would require me missing, an 7:30, 8:00 PM bedtime, and I don't want to do that right now.
• 32:01
  So I am still kind of modifying my hobbies.
• 32:07
  Right.
• 32:07
  You know what I mean?
• 32:08
  That, with what fits in my life right now.
• 32:10
  Mm-hmm.
• 32:10
  But I don't think it's unhealthy to have those things.
• 32:14
  Right.
• 32:14
  So I think that you kind of have to compromise.
• 32:17
  I think it's nice that you don't want to miss bedtime.
• 32:18
  It's just not something that I wanna do.
• 32:20
  I think that that's, like, sweet that you don't want to miss bedtime.
• 32:20
  Like, I'm very thoughtful.
• 32:22
  Thank you.
• 32:23
  It's j- But, you know, as my kids are older and as their bedtimes get later, and so maybe I can go out, you know, in the evening and not really miss an important moment- Right of that day.
• 32:35
  Maybe that part of the day won't be as important as it is right now.
• 32:37
  It is.
• 32:37
  Right.
• 32:37
  Exactly.
• 32:38
  So right now, it, that's where I wanna be.
• 32:42
  You know?
• 32:42
  So I'm modifying things and saying no to things that I want to say yes to, but they just, they don't work for me right now.
• 32:50
  But it doesn't mean that in five years they won't work for me, right.
• 32:53
  Well, and it also doesn't mean you don't think a, somebody should have a hobby.
• 32:57
  Exactly.
• 32:57
  Being a good mom doesn't mean you have to be with your kids 24/7.
• 33:02
  Yeah.
• 33:03
  Or wanting to be with your kids 24/7.
• 33:06
  I think it's okay to have a break.
• 33:08
  I keep seeing all this content that's, I mean, it's, it's funny, but it's like, oh, I'm a introvert and I like alone time, and I get overstimulated very easily by loud noises.
• 33:21
  Like, having a kid was a great idea.
• 33:23
  You know, like- Mm-hmm and that's, I resonate with that a lot because I do really value alone time.
• 33:29
  I need alone time to recharge.
• 33:32
  I, you know, like I, it's, I don't feel bad saying that, you know?
• 33:38
  And even trying to take those moments when I can.
• 33:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 33:41
  Like, I mean, it's, so I think that some of that's just personality dependent, like who you are, you know?
• 33:47
  But no, I don't think that you should have to be with anybody 24/7.
• 33:51
  Agree.
• 33:51
  You know?
• 33:52
  Sometimes I don't even wanna be with myself 24/7.
• 33:54
  Yeah.
• 33:54
  Like, it's, I, it's not realistic, you know?
• 33:58
  Mm-hmm.
• 33:58
  Again, if you're happy that way, then great.
• 34:01
  But if you're not, also great.
• 34:03
  Yeah.
• 34:03
  I think it's what- Think it's what you want, but I don't think that there should be guilt around not wanting to be with another human being- And I also- to your point think to that point, if you are someone who wants to be with your kids 24/7, then you can't look down on someone who doesn't.
• 34:22
  Yeah.
• 34:22
  You know what I mean?
• 34:23
  Because maybe you guys value different things.
• 34:26
  Maybe, like we said, like, maybe you recharge, can recharge with your kids and your family, and other people can't.
• 34:34
  They're a little more introverted.
• 34:35
  They like the alone time.
• 34:37
  They recharge with alone time.
• 34:39
  That's the definition, I believe, of introvert and extrovert, is how you recharge.
• 34:44
  Like, how you feel like you get energy from.
• 34:46
  So you get energy when you're alone?
• 34:48
  I can recharge and r- and get my energy when I'm alone and I can dec- decompress.
• 34:54
  I realized having kids, how much I decompress in actual quiet.
• 35:01
  Like, some people can decompress through a workout, or some people can decompress, you know, like, going out and c- And I need to decompress, like, in my home in the quiet.
• 35:12
  Okay.
• 35:13
  By yourself?
• 35:13
  By, by myself.
• 35:14
  Or if, or with my husband, but if we're being quiet.
• 35:18
  You know what I mean?
• 35:18
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:18
  Like, if we're, like, relaxing that's how I can recharge and, like, feel like I know how I'm thinking.
• 35:27
  You know what I mean?
• 35:27
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:27
  Like, when I'm going, going, I, I cannot get my bearings.
• 35:32
  Like, I, I'm all over the place.
• 35:33
  Right.
• 35:33
  It doesn't, it doesn't anchor me in any way.
• 35:36
  When I'm, like, so busy and crazy and don't have a second to sit and think I- that is a recipe for disaster for me.
• 35:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 35:45
  Well, that's what parenting and being around little kids is- Yes sometimes, because they don't know, how to take a break unless they're told to take a break.
• 35:54
  Right.
• 35:54
  They don't know what's coming next unless you tell them what's coming next.
• 35:57
  Right.
• 35:57
  So they get the off time, but you have to be on in order to you know- Yes keep them safe and- Yes you know- Yes healthy and all the things, you made me think of a new, like another one just kind of on the fly, but I even think to that point of scheduling and, like, feeling guilty about keeping kids on a schedule.
• 36:18
  I remember, and we're gonna have a whole episode about, like, sleep- I know and schedules.
• 36:23
  Next week.
• 36:23
  I'm so excited.
• 36:23
  And I'm so excited because I've been, this has been, like, a bucket list episode for me since we started this podcast.
• 36:29
  But I used to feel insane guilt and kind of embarrassment/shame around keeping my kids on such a tight schedule, and I would always let outside comments, like, eat me away.
• 36:42
  Like, oh can't they can't they just, like, you're better off keeping the kids, like, adaptable.
• 36:48
  And I would be like,"It's not about just the kids.
• 36:52
  It's about keeping me sane.
• 36:55
  I need the predictability of knowing that there's going to be a nap today because I need the time to decompress and start the next phase of the day." And so I would battle those opinions a lot, especially at the beginning when my kids were super little and I was, like, very strict.
• 37:15
  It meant that we missed out on some things, not everything.
• 37:19
  But it meant that we couldn't say yes to every single thing because it ended up interfering with the day.
• 37:25
  And I used to feel very embarrassed about that.
• 37:28
  But you were saying no to maybe a birthday party or a seemingly fun activity- Yeah that might recharge some people.
• 37:34
  But for you what was more important in recharging you and your family was saying no to the activity- Yes yes to the nap, and yes to your time.
• 37:43
  My time.
• 37:43
  Yes.
• 37:43
  And that was essentially- Yes to my quiet time like, what you were doing.
• 37:45
  Yes.
• 37:46
  You know?
• 37:46
  And it was, like, for the benefit of not only my kid, because obviously I was trying to keep keep the sleep maximizing throughout the...
• 37:54
  You know?
• 37:55
  Like, if it meant, oh, we skip a nap and then they're gonna be up two or three times in the night, that also sucks, right?
• 38:02
  But it wasn't even just that.
• 38:03
  It was so that I knew that bedtime was guaranteed, there was quiet time during the nap, and there would probably be less wake-ups throughout the night.
• 38:13
  And to me, that was a better thing to offset, right- Mm-hmm by saying no, that going and doing something wasn't worth losing the nap, potentially losing bedtime, and potentially more wake-ups in the night.
• 38:29
  So I ha- would have to balance that all the time.
• 38:32
  Right.
• 38:32
  And- And I don't think every, I don't think everybody is the same because my, my kids, if they skipped nap, they would just go to bed earlier and it wasn't a thing.
• 38:43
  Right.
• 38:43
  Sleep was never a thing with them.
• 38:45
  So if we wanted to go and do an activity, we would just do it and they would, like, sleep on the way there or sleep on the way home- Mm-hmm or maybe be, like, a little bit fussier.
• 38:54
  They would just, like, rally, they would just rally through.
• 38:57
  Right.
• 38:57
  So for somebody like me, I'm like, why are you missing this fun event- Right to stay home so your- Right kids can nap?
• 39:03
  Like, I couldn't wrap my head around- You, right, right why- Right it was so intentional.
• 39:09
  Right.
• 39:09
  But when you break it down, it's like a chain of events.
• 39:11
  Like, it all comes back.
• 39:12
  Yes.
• 39:13
  You know?
• 39:13
  And I think that it also completely depended on the actual moment that we were in.
• 39:18
  Like, I and I don't wanna get too far into this'cause we're gonna have a whole conversation.
• 39:23
  I know.
• 39:24
  I wanna save this for next week.
• 39:24
  But that, yes, this will be something that we're going to deep dive into with a sleep expert next week because I felt a lot of shame around that.
• 39:34
  Mm-hmm.
• 39:34
  And so we'll kind of table that one for now.
• 39:37
  These are getting juicier as we go on.
• 39:39
  Mm.
• 39:39
  I know.
• 39:40
  Okay, so these two are very much coupled together.
• 39:43
  Moms need to stop keeping score over who has it harder.
• 39:49
  In terms of what?
• 39:50
  A stay-at-home mom- Oh versus a working mom.
• 39:52
  Oh my God.
• 39:53
  And it's funny,'cause- We had a whole episode about that we did have a whole episode about it.
• 39:56
  And I often hear, I was just listening to Lauren Bostic's podcast, and she's a working mom.
• 40:01
  Mm-hmm.
• 40:01
  And she was saying,"If I had to stay home, I would lose my mind." Mm-hmm.
• 40:06
  And so sometimes I think working moms have empat- sometimes I think people have more empathy for the other side than maybe you would think.
• 40:12
  Oh, 100% You know?
• 40:14
  I think that sometimes you have to get around your own bullshit- Yep and just, this is what, this is the path you've chosen, like, just accept it.
• 40:21
  Yep.
• 40:21
  You know?
• 40:21
  Yep.
• 40:21
  You don't need to, like, make excuses or talk down onto the other side, just...
• 40:27
  Yep this is the path you've chosen.
• 40:29
  Yes, and it's also, it might a- we- like we said in that other episode, it might not even be a chosen path.
• 40:35
  Right.
• 40:35
  It might be what is just feasible for your family.
• 40:38
  Right.
• 40:38
  So also having some freaking compassion around it, you know?
• 40:41
  Like that, people might not want to have to go back to work, but they have to.
• 40:46
  Right.
• 40:46
  So it's, I, I think that, I agree.
• 40:49
  It's like, drop the keeping score, drop the judgment just in general, you know, about people's situations, if they're working or they're not working.
• 40:59
  Right.
• 40:59
  But I agree with you.
• 41:00
  I think that being a stay-at-home mom was the hardest job of my entire life.
• 41:07
  Like, I, it was a very, very hard, very, very hard job for me, and it wasn't where I was thriving when they were super little.
• 41:16
  Yeah.
• 41:17
  So I needed something else.
• 41:19
  I needed my work to make me feel balanced.
• 41:23
  Other people don't, might not feel that way.
• 41:25
  They might feel extremely fulfilled at home.
• 41:28
  Again, I felt so much shame around that.
• 41:31
  So even if I was having the hot take, it was not only admitting it to yourself, but admitting it to other people.
• 41:38
  That's the unpopular opinion, right?
• 41:41
  Is like, just...
• 41:42
  And obviously when you choose to go back to work, you're making the opinion.
• 41:46
  You know what I mean?
• 41:46
  Like, you're, the opinion is for, or the choice is formed, right?
• 41:50
  Oh, yes.
• 41:51
  And it's, it's somehow open for interpretation for everybody.
• 41:55
  To give their two cents about everything.
• 41:58
  I have very few women- Say,"What do you do now that the kids are back in school?"'Cause- It's always the men'cause I think that women just know.
• 42:08
  They know.
• 42:09
  Of course they know.
• 42:10
  'Cause they're living it too.
• 42:11
  I know.
• 42:11
  I've never had a woman say to me, like,"What are you gonna do now that the kids are back in school?" But I have had a few of my guy friends from home- Say that ask me what I'm gonna do.
• 42:19
  It's crazy.
• 42:20
  And I'm like,"What are you doing- Yeah right now?" Yeah.
• 42:23
  Like, uh, there doesn't even warrant a response.
• 42:25
  I see and I also, I love that I get- What am I gonna do?
• 42:28
  Okay.
• 42:28
  I, I, I love, like, sometimes that I'll get I love where my algorithm is sometimes because I'll see these quotes and I'll, and then they'll just, like, stick with me.
• 42:38
  And one of them was, like being a stay-at-home mom is not a job until someone else has to do it and then it's paid.
• 42:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 42:47
  And I was like, ooh, mic drop.
• 42:48
  Like, that's so true.
• 42:50
  Yeah.
• 42:50
  Like- And that is called childcare- Yep which we can get into next.
• 42:55
  Yeah,'cause this is my hot take.
• 42:56
  So having childcare when you are home is not having someone else raise your kids.
• 43:03
  Well, I think we could both play off of this because you're coming at it from a stay-at-home mom perspective, so when you have childcare for your kids, even though you're home, do you feel like there's judgment around that?
• 43:19
  I don't really give a shit if it does or it doesn't.
• 43:21
  Maybe it does.
• 43:22
  Yeah, sure, maybe.
• 43:23
  But I have, so I have people that, like, l- extra people that love my kids- Mm-hmm and extra people that have been able to, like, model things to my kids that I haven't been able to.
• 43:34
  Mm-hmm.
• 43:34
  And they are a part of raising my kids, and I think that it's awesome that I don't have to raise my kids alone.
• 43:40
  You also have four kids, so you're, and all the shit that we've been talking about is how, you know, busy and stretched thin your life ends up being because you're pulled in so many different directions.
• 43:52
  So, like, it's n- only natural that you would need extra sets of hands to even help with everything.
• 43:59
  But oftentimes you hear people say,"I don't want somebody else raising my kids." Oh, I hate that.
• 44:06
  I don't want somebody else raising my kids.
• 44:08
  Ugh.
• 44:08
  I think I'm kind of talking more to, like, that.
• 44:11
  Yes, okay.
• 44:12
  If you say that, you're basically meaning- I- like, I wanna be controlling and I want my kids to only do and say and think what I think and what maybe my husband thinks.
• 44:22
  Okay.
• 44:23
  Whereas I think that whether I'm a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, if I have other people in the house helping me raise my kids, I think that that's an asset.
• 44:32
  Or outside of the house.
• 44:33
  Or outside the house.
• 44:33
  Right, yes.
• 44:34
  Like, I think that that's an asset- Yes to them.
• 44:36
  Like- You know, if they had to pick five people in their lives to write them a letter of recommendation- Mm-hmm they wouldn't have to, like, dig to find five people who know them well and have been a very important part of their lives, who have different maybe political views that can- they can shed light on, different religions, different backgrounds.
• 44:55
  Like, I think that's a good thing- I do too to have lots of people.
• 44:58
  And, and I don't know why raising them just has, like, such a negative- Yes like, connotation with it.
• 45:04
  "Oh, someone else is raising your kids." I get that all the time.
• 45:08
  I have literally heard that because, and this, we've also talked about this on podcasts about why it's hard for women to admit that they have childcare.
• 45:17
  And I'm saying that in quotations because childcare is just other people helping with your kids.
• 45:23
  Mm-hmm.
• 45:23
  It doesn't necessarily mean that you're not with your kids.
• 45:25
  It just means other people are involved in caring for your kids, caring for children.
• 45:31
  And I have gotten those comments when I've said, like,"Oh, I have a nanny.
• 45:36
  I ha- I have..." The comments, especially the DMs, they l- grind my bones.
• 45:45
  Like, that's how I feel.
• 45:46
  So mean.
• 45:46
  It is so, because I'm like, first of all, having other people, I am so with you on that, having other people help to raise my kids, I don't think that's a bad thing.
• 45:57
  I think that- Same we can remove that,"Oh, other people are raising your kids." No, they're not.
• 46:02
  They're helping me raise my kids.
• 46:04
  Mm-hmm.
• 46:04
  And I don't think that that's a bad thing for all the reasons that you just said.
• 46:08
  And- Uh, and so what?
• 46:12
  Like, yes, other pe-- I, so then I think that the statement should be,"Yes, I have other people help me raise my kids," and you should say it freaking proudly.
• 46:19
  Because, yes, because I have a business, and because I need help.
• 46:24
  Well, and also, like, it's an asset to their lives.
• 46:27
  It's- I love how you framed that and you put other...
• 46:30
  you're selecting the people that you're putting in your kid's life.
• 46:33
  Right.
• 46:33
  It's not like- Right it's a stranger that- A free-for-all you don't know.
• 46:37
  Right.
• 46:37
  And they're just inserting their beliefs onto your kids, and your kids are conforming- Mm-hmm into this person.
• 46:42
  You're like, what do you...
• 46:43
  What, you know.
• 46:43
  Like, you're placing these people- Yeah in their lives- Yeah intentionally.
• 46:46
  Yeah.
• 46:47
  To help enhance their lives.
• 46:48
  So yeah, they're helping raise them.
• 46:50
  But I think that the comment comes, when I hear the comment or when I've seen the comment, I think it's more like,"Oh, so you're not raising them.
• 46:58
  Someone else is raising them." I think it's more, and it could be because you're thinking that somebody else- Yeah but I think it's more going back to the amount of time that, that p- that maybe society expects mothers to be with their children.
• 47:11
  I think it's coming from that place of like- Mm-hmm"Oh, so someone else is with your kids, and you're not?" I think that's the judgment that I feel.
• 47:20
  I've heard it all.
• 47:21
  I'm sure you have.
• 47:21
  I've heard- Mm-hmm it all, and- It drives me nuts it's so much easier to parent from afar.
• 47:28
  A- 100%.
• 47:29
  Yeah.
• 47:29
  100, 100%.
• 47:30
  Mind your own business.
• 47:31
  When you have kids someday, see how you do things.
• 47:34
  Mm-hmm.
• 47:34
  You're gonna eat your words.
• 47:35
  Yes.
• 47:36
  It's always so much easier raising children before you have them.
• 47:40
  So let's pivot to some, maybe a relationship thing.
• 47:44
  You are allowed to prioritize your marriage sometimes.
• 47:48
  100%.
• 47:50
  Again, I think this is all very similar to, like, the, these are the keyboard warriors.
• 47:55
  You know, like, the- I think that if you, like, are thinking of, and again, it's not, it's, your immediate family is not, like, a pyramid.
• 48:05
  This isn't- you know, as linear as this is.
• 48:08
  Mm-hmm.
• 48:08
  But if, a lot of people, I think, will put kids number one and then spouse number two, and I think there needs to be times where spouse is number one and kids are number two.
• 48:17
  Yeah.
• 48:18
  And I don't think that you should feel bad about it- Yeah if you put spouse and relationship first- Mm-hmm and then kids second.
• 48:24
  Because if you really think about it, like, without that relationship, you wouldn't have the kids.
• 48:29
  It's true.
• 48:30
  And sometimes, most times in this season of life- Mm-hmm'cause the kids are little and they quite literally can't survive without us- Yes we have to put it second.
• 48:39
  But would I still choose to have it first?
• 48:42
  Yes.
• 48:42
  Yeah.
• 48:42
  I would.
• 48:42
  And I don't want to feel bad for it.
• 48:44
  No, and I wouldn't either.
• 48:45
  And honestly, I wonder if kids would agree with that, because I, sometimes am, like, if I'm looking from my kids' point of view, would they want me to not prioritize Dad?
• 48:59
  You know what I mean?
• 49:00
  If you really could ask a kid, and I'm talking to little kids- Mm-hmm who probably don't necessarily understand the complexities of marriage and all of that if I could actually ask them and they could actually understand what that would mean, like, would you not want Mom and Dad to go out to dinner so that we could have fun?
• 49:19
  Right.
• 49:19
  They would probably say of course we would want you to have fun.
• 49:22
  Of course we want you to love each other and spend time together.
• 49:25
  I can't imagine that they would say anything differently.
• 49:28
  Right.
• 49:28
  And again, yes, my kids are so small, they actually physically need us to do things.
• 49:33
  So this might not apply to my life right now, but I think that my kids would want me to pri- prioritize Mom and Dad's marriage.
• 49:43
  You know what I mean?
• 49:43
  Like, so- I'm not gonna put words in their mouth.
• 49:46
  My kids are pretty selfish, and they would want me home, or they would wanna be invited to the dinner.
• 49:51
  But I still think, like, they want safety, and they want love- Yeah in their house.
• 49:54
  And in order for them to have that- Yeah it is Mom and Dad prioritizing our marriage.
• 49:59
  Yes.
• 50:00
  If they could- You know?
• 50:00
  actually understand and connect the two.
• 50:02
  Like, if they could- Like, yeah connect the dots- Yes I think that they would want that too.
• 50:05
  That's, that's what I was kind of saying.
• 50:06
  Like, no, they would obviously want us home, but if they could mentally comprehend- Yeah and connect it, of like, we need to spend time together, and we need to prioritize our marriage, and sometimes that means without you, I think that they would say,"Go for it." And so maybe they're not gonna understand it in the moment, but they're gonna understand what the implications are- Right if it's not taken care of.
• 50:28
  Well, in the moment, my kids are, they just understand, like,"Oh, they're leaving us again.
• 50:32
  They're leaving us again," yeah.
• 50:34
  But you just ha- But I think that helps parents reframe the guilt maybe- Mm-hmm of like your kids would want that.
• 50:42
  They do.
• 50:43
  They just can't connect it right now.
• 50:45
  Right.
• 50:45
  Yet.
• 50:46
  Yet.
• 50:46
  They can't connect it yet.
• 50:48
  Let's move on to the circus of birthday parties Have you had any, like, real crazy ragers yet at your house?
• 50:56
  No.
• 50:57
  No?
• 50:57
  But I will say that I felt the guilt already of the year that I was, really struggling with, like, Layla being colicky, and she was really little.
• 51:08
  Leo was gonna turn two, and then th- really that whole year until Layla turned one was very, very hard for me.
• 51:16
  Right.
• 51:16
  It was my hardest stretch of motherhood so far.
• 51:19
  And so we missed Leo's two-year birthday, and we actually missed Raja's 40th birthday, and then we didn't do a big birthday for Layla for her one year.
• 51:32
  And I felt physically ill about the guilt of, missing the birthdays and not doing things for everybody.
• 51:39
  And I wasn't even thinking extravagant.
• 51:42
  I was just thinking, like, we didn't really celebrate outside of our family.
• 51:47
  And then I was like, who cares?
• 51:49
  They probably don't even care, like, I had to really come down from that,'cause I was like- Did it take a while?
• 51:55
  Yeah, like, I- it really just took me being like, okay, There was too much going on that year.
• 52:00
  We still celebrated.
• 52:01
  We still, like, took time out of our family.
• 52:04
  It was just our immediate family.
• 52:05
  And, who cares?
• 52:06
  We still took a picture.
• 52:08
  We sa- you know, we sang"Happy Birthday." Why does it need to be some extravagant balloon arched birthday for me to feel like we celebrated the birthday?
• 52:18
  And I was like, it doesn't, you know?
• 52:20
  It really doesn't.
• 52:21
  But I felt guilt around it, and I just think that the freaking birthday parties have gotten so elaborate- Mm-hmm that it is insane.
• 52:31
  Yeah.
• 52:31
  My son, we went and celebrated his fourth birthday with my parents, w- they bought him this, like, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cake that was sheet cake, because it could actually- Like, printed Printed like, Big Y style?
• 52:43
  Big Y style.
• 52:44
  Oh, the best.
• 52:45
  I think that's actually where they got it from.
• 52:46
  The best.
• 52:46
  Or maybe it was BJ's or it was Costco or something like that.
• 52:48
  Yeah.
• 52:48
  Sheet cake.
• 52:49
  He- could not have been happier, because he couldn't even fathom that there was, like, a picture on the cake.
• 52:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 52:56
  And when I asked him what he wanted for, like, his kid birthday, like when we were going- Mm-hmm to a trampoline park, he wanted that exact cake.
• 53:03
  It was, like, under$20, and I was like, why and where did we lose the plot of birthday parties?
• 53:06
  Like, why are we going and buying wedding cake, triple tiered- Pr- and prices Wedding cake prices like$200 birthday cakes and all these fancy freaking desserts, and elaborate- And feeding them to our five-year-olds, and that's what the expectation is it's like, what are we doing?
• 53:30
  You're not gonna get that if you come here.
• 53:31
  No.
• 53:32
  I, so I felt very, like liberated when I was like,"Okay, this is the cake that he's happy with." I posted it on my Instagram, and the flood of responses were like,"Oh, my God, thank you." And people were like,"Can we just normalize this?" Going to the grocery store and getting a$20 sheet cake that could feed 50 people.
• 53:52
  Like, can we normalize this?
• 53:53
  Right.
• 53:53
  And I was like,"Yes." Like, yes, I'm down for it.
• 53:56
  So- But you saw your son happy.
• 53:59
  He was so happy.
• 54:01
  And so I think oftentimes you, you try to do these things to bring your children joy.
• 54:07
  Yes.
• 54:07
  To try to make things special, and to try to make them happy.
• 54:10
  So you think,"If I get this elaborate cake, this is gonna wow them, and this is gonna make them excited." And sometimes it doesn't.
• 54:16
  Sometimes too much is too much.
• 54:18
  Sometimes simple is the be- yes.
• 54:18
  And sometimes just, like a simple, thoughtful gesture.
• 54:22
  Yes.
• 54:22
  Like, your son loves Mickey Mouse.
• 54:23
  Yes.
• 54:24
  You know?
• 54:24
  Like, that was it.
• 54:24
  And we have a sheet cake.
• 54:26
  Yes.
• 54:26
  You know?
• 54:26
  And you don't need all the elaborate things to make something special.
• 54:32
  I agree.
• 54:32
  And I think that that goes back to what we were saying at, earlier in the episode about making things magical.
• 54:38
  Magical doesn't mean extra.
• 54:40
  It just means that, like thought was put in.
• 54:42
  Right.
• 54:42
  So they can feel that with very minimal things.
• 54:46
  I agree.
• 54:46
  Vincent, his birthday was last week.
• 54:48
  Mm-hmm.
• 54:49
  And we didn't have a party for him because we just didn't have the money for him.
• 54:52
  Yeah.
• 54:52
  Like, we just have too much stuff going on.
• 54:54
  Yeah.
• 54:54
  We celebrated as our immediate family- Yeah and he went to a concert.
• 54:57
  So I had invited his two friends over, their brothers, to like swim or whatever, and they were not available.
• 55:04
  So the mom felt bad that the boys weren't available to come over to swim on his birthday, so the next day he went to their house, and she got him his favorite brownie- and put a candle in it, and they sang him happy birthday.
• 55:18
  Vincent was like,"Mom, I can't believe their family loves me so much that they celebrated my birthday." And I said,"Remember this moment." Mm-hmm.
• 55:25
  You don't have to do a lot to show somebody, like- Yeah they're important to you.
• 55:29
  Yep.
• 55:29
  Just, like taking the time.
• 55:31
  Anyways, I thought that was like a good lesson for him to see.
• 55:34
  It's such a good lesson.
• 55:35
  You know?
• 55:35
  Yes, for sure.
• 55:36
  It's another point where it's like we overdo things so much, and it loses the meaning- Yeah behind what we're doing.
• 55:44
  Well, it loses the specialness.
• 55:45
  Yes.
• 55:46
  And it also just puts so much extra pressure that's probably unneeded, and money and time and effort.
• 55:53
  That's maybe not the whole point, and so then staying on the birthday theme, I also think it's okay to skip someone's birthday- Yeah, that's totally- party it's totally fine.
• 56:07
  Because we've had so many parties where it's, like, back to back weekend days, and I heard from somebody that we know that they say no to any birthday party that's on, like, a Sunday.
• 56:19
  Like, that's their family rule is that's a family day, and it's just an immediate no.
• 56:24
  Wow, okay.
• 56:25
  And I was like,"Well, that's really interesting." It's- So they really protect their time.
• 56:28
  It's a boundary, yeah, and it's just saying that that's their family and it's no, like, shade to anybody.
• 56:33
  It's just, like, what they do, and I respect it.
• 56:36
  Yeah.
• 56:36
  It's, like, good for you guys, like, for putting a boundary up.
• 56:39
  I think- with us, if the kids can actually go- Yeah we say yes.
• 56:42
  Yeah.
• 56:42
  But if it's, like, a stretch- Yeah we say no.
• 56:44
  Yeah.
• 56:45
  I think we save the yeses for a, when it's really important- Mm-hmm and we really try to figure it out.
• 56:50
  Yeah, and I guess if you're the one planning the party, I know it's, hard when you have nos.
• 56:54
  You know, it's kind of like,"Oh, why?" Yeah.
• 56:56
  You don't want your kids to feel bad.
• 56:58
  But if you think about it from, like, the other perspective, it's not necessarily about you.
• 57:04
  It's just everyone's lives are so busy, and it's like how many things can you say yes to?
• 57:09
  People want the time with their family.
• 57:11
  Like, their parents might work all week, and those are the only two days that they get to spend with them- Mm-hmm as a family.
• 57:17
  It's not always personal, you know?
• 57:19
  Right.
• 57:19
  Some of the best birthday parties we've had- Are small are, like, s- small.
• 57:23
  Yeah.
• 57:23
  Or when Joseph was in kindergarten, I let him pick two friends from his class, and I asked the moms,"Can your kids get dismissed from school early?" And they were like,"Yeah, sure, no problem." And I, he picked two girls.
• 57:35
  Oh.
• 57:36
  And we went to Chuck E.
• 57:38
  Cheese.
• 57:38
  Oh.
• 57:39
  And he had he had the best time.
• 57:41
  Oh, that's so cute.
• 57:42
  That was, like, what he wanted to do.
• 57:43
  It's like simple.
• 57:44
  Yes.
• 57:44
  Oh, that's so cute.
• 57:45
  And again, like, Chuck E.
• 57:46
  Cheese, you know, I don't know if you've ever been in there.
• 57:48
  It hasn't changed since we were kids.
• 57:49
  Yes, obviously I've been in there.
• 57:50
  Okay.
• 57:51
  I've not been in there as an adult.
• 57:52
  That's a good question.
• 57:52
  Okay.
• 57:53
  Okay.
• 57:53
  So it hasn't changed since we were kids.
• 57:54
  Okay.
• 57:55
  So it's just, like, arcade stuff- Yeah little games.
• 57:57
  Yep.
• 57:58
  Like, they got their tokens.
• 57:59
  Yep.
• 57:59
  They had a blast.
• 58:01
  So cute.
• 58:01
  You know?
• 58:02
  So, so cute.
• 58:03
  Okay, I have another one.
• 58:05
  Moving on.
• 58:05
  Screen time doesn't necessarily have to be, like, the enemy that we make it.
• 58:11
  No, it is the enemy.
• 58:13
  I think it's the enemy.
• 58:14
  Okay.
• 58:14
  I think that- Can you define screen time for me?
• 58:17
  Uh, e- every- everybody- You mean, you mean tablets everybody in this family- And phones has a device.
• 58:23
  And we use the device to get in touch with one another, and now we're all prisoners of it.
• 58:29
  Ugh.
• 58:29
  So every- uh, everybody, all of us.
• 58:32
  So we actually had to put- Screen time back into play.
• 58:37
  The girls are only allowed- Screen time 30 minutes.
• 58:39
  Okay.
• 58:39
  Because before it was just like, we're in the car, you're on your screen.
• 58:43
  Yeah.
• 58:43
  We're walking to the bus, we're on our screen.
• 58:45
  We're waiting for the bus, we're on our screen.
• 58:47
  We're in any transition period where we could maybe have a conversation or be bored- Mm-hmm we're on the screen.
• 58:53
  So now we have to call it something again.
• 58:55
  Okay.
• 58:55
  So and you know what?
• 58:56
  That's a good point, because I was thinking screen time includes the actual TV.
• 59:01
  Oh.
• 59:01
  I wish my kids would just watch TV.
• 59:02
  Yeah, that's a good point.
• 59:03
  I don't think that's an enemy.
• 59:04
  Yes, okay.
• 59:05
  I think the screen time is great.
• 59:06
  Okay.
• 59:07
  I think th- this st- So device device- Device it's like that low vi- Device is the enemy what do they call it now?
• 59:11
  Like, low vibration stuff.
• 59:12
  Yeah.
• 59:12
  When you're not really getting anything out of it, you're just getting these, like...
• 59:15
  Yes ts, ts, ts, ts, ts.
• 59:16
  Yes.
• 59:17
  Because I've actually think that I lumped in TV with, screen time, and then meaning when I first became a parent and, like, that was what I was thinking, it was, like, screen time, and it was like, oh, it's the TV, and I was, I've been so sensitive to that.
• 59:32
  And I've actually had to separate the two in my mind of being like, screen time is, like, the iPad, and the kids on the iPad and YouTube, and it's not necessarily a show or a Disney movie that we can all watch together.
• 59:47
  That's actually, like, family time.
• 59:49
  That's following a story.
• 59:51
  That's something that we could do together and talk about, and it's n- that's not the enemy.
• 59:55
  It's YouTube and the iPad and us not having any parameters around that, and I had to separate the two of them.
• 1:00:02
  So, like, the TV is no longer the enemy in my house.
• 1:00:06
  It's the iPad- Mm-hmm and unrestricted screen time, yeah.
• 1:00:10
  That's actually different.
• 1:00:11
  And then for you, it's your kids have devices of their own, so it's like that's a different animal entirely.
• 1:00:18
  Dude, they have cell phones.
• 1:00:19
  Yes.
• 1:00:20
  They have cell phones.
• 1:00:21
  Yes.
• 1:00:22
  Ava was like, A- Ava's been having a lot of anxiety, and Joseph said to me,"Mommy, I think Ava uses her tablet too much.
• 1:00:29
  I think you need to, like, take it away from her." So yesterday Nick and I said,"First week of school- you guys are all allowed 30 minutes.
• 1:00:37
  You can set a timer." Mm.
• 1:00:38
  "You can use it all at once.
• 1:00:39
  You can use it in little increments." Mm-hmm.
• 1:00:41
  "But 30 minutes for everybody.
• 1:00:42
  Boys, if you need calls from your friends, that's one thing." Mm-hmm.
• 1:00:45
  "And if you're leaving the house, you could take your phone with you to call us." I know we were talking about screen times, and now we differentiated iPad, tablet, device screen time versus TV time.
• 1:00:57
  But I think kids are getting phones and devices entirely too young.
• 1:01:03
  But at the same time, we're now expected to know where our kids are, like, at all times.
• 1:01:09
  So I would be terrified to give my children a device, but I would also be terrified to drop them somewhere without one.
• 1:01:18
  You know what I mean?
• 1:01:18
  So I don't want them to actually have it, but then I want them to have it at the same time.
• 1:01:23
  Yeah.
• 1:01:24
  I'm in it.
• 1:01:25
  I know you're in it.
• 1:01:25
  I'm in it.
• 1:01:26
  Yeah.
• 1:01:26
  I'm in it right now.
• 1:01:27
  My older son has a phone, but he's off, I don't know- Yeah God knows where.
• 1:01:32
  Yeah.
• 1:01:32
  I track him.
• 1:01:33
  He calls me.
• 1:01:34
  Right.
• 1:01:34
  He's here- So you wanna track- oh, I'm going here you want the benefits of it after school.
• 1:01:37
  Like, I want the benefits of the tracking, but also, like, he's shown me some of, like, the group chats, and I'm like,"I don't want- Ugh I don't want that." Yeah, right.
• 1:01:45
  You know?
• 1:01:45
  Right.
• 1:01:45
  And then my middle son, he and his friends have social media, and his...
• 1:01:49
  He's like,"Mom, my friends follow you on social media," and I'm like,"I don't want that either." Yeah.
• 1:01:54
  This is hard.
• 1:01:55
  You know?
• 1:01:55
  Yep.
• 1:01:55
  And they have access to it, so they can talk about it, like, when they're in in private.
• 1:02:00
  Yeah.
• 1:02:00
  You know?
• 1:02:00
  Yeah.
• 1:02:01
  That is- And then- terrifying the constant checking, the constant checking"Did so-and-so's mom write you back?
• 1:02:06
  Can you call?
• 1:02:07
  Could you...
• 1:02:07
  Does it does it, uh, does it..." It's constant.
• 1:02:10
  It's, it's like training the instant gratification, right?
• 1:02:13
  Yeah.
• 1:02:13
  It's like right away.
• 1:02:14
  Mom, mom, what is this?
• 1:02:14
  Yeah.
• 1:02:15
  What is this?
• 1:02:15
  Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
• 1:02:16
  Like, and then the girls, well, now they, we have, we had to do, like, a whole overhaul on them because back from what we were saying in the beginning, like, what's fair and equal, the, we'll all be in the car on our way to New Jersey, and the boys will be on their phones, and the girls will be like,"Well, we want a tablet." So then they have tablets, and then I got four kids in the backseat, and then the Wi-Fi is down on this and that, and then I end up taking all of the devices away.
• 1:02:37
  I'm like,"If the devices are for getting in touch with me and dad, and we're right here-" You don't need them.
• 1:02:42
  "We don't need them." Yep.
• 1:02:43
  But then I'm on my phone- Yep like scrolling.
• 1:02:47
  Yep.
• 1:02:47
  Like I'm in, like- Working s- yep, I know.
• 1:02:49
  We need to bring back the landline.
• 1:02:50
  Bring back the landline.
• 1:02:52
  Is that a hot take?
• 1:02:53
  I, like, I would love a landline.
• 1:02:54
  Oh my God.
• 1:02:55
  Like, let's- My parents still have a landline- Yes, so do mine in the kitchen.
• 1:02:57
  Yeah.
• 1:02:57
  And last night I called my parents and my sister answered the phone, and I knew exactly where she was.
• 1:03:02
  Yeah.
• 1:03:02
  She was in the kitchen at the counter- Oh on the landline, and it has a cord and everything.
• 1:03:05
  I know.
• 1:03:06
  I love it.
• 1:03:07
  So does ours.
• 1:03:08
  Maybe, is that a thing?
• 1:03:09
  Can we get a landline?
• 1:03:10
  I don't know.
• 1:03:10
  I think that we should bring back the landline.
• 1:03:11
  I think I want lines.
• 1:03:13
  Like- Because then I don't even have to worry about having my phone on me, like, when I'm even in the house.
• 1:03:16
  I know.
• 1:03:17
  And then it's like if you wanna call your friends, call them on the landline.
• 1:03:20
  Let's go back to- Let's go back to that.
• 1:03:22
  You sh- I just think that, like, everything gets all, like, muddied up.
• 1:03:26
  And then there's just so much guilt.
• 1:03:26
  And then you feel bad.
• 1:03:27
  Yes.
• 1:03:28
  Yeah.
• 1:03:28
  Like, I don't know why our generation just has so much guilt around things, or I don't know if it's just me, but like- Because we see too much.
• 1:03:34
  Yes.
• 1:03:34
  We have too much information.
• 1:03:34
  It's not our business.
• 1:03:36
  It's honestly, it's not our business what's happening at our neighbor's house.
• 1:03:39
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:03:39
  And I think that we all wanna know what's going on,'cause we know, wanna know, like, what to do.
• 1:03:42
  Wanna compare.
• 1:03:43
  We wanna compare.
• 1:03:44
  We wanna make it better.
• 1:03:45
  I know.
• 1:03:46
  I totally agree with that.
• 1:03:47
  I guess like to that point, you know that we've gone down like rabbit holes with our picky eating stories and how much like food drives us crazy with the kids and stuff.
• 1:03:58
  But I also feel like the hot take is that like your kids don't need a homemade organic dinner every single night.
• 1:04:11
  Yeah.
• 1:04:11
  Like, sometimes you're in survival mode, I've put so much pressure on myself, that I ended up with picky toddlers, you know?
• 1:04:18
  And I hate it, but like also sometimes I'm like,"It's fine.
• 1:04:23
  It is okay.
• 1:04:24
  It's fine.
• 1:04:24
  Like, this is probably not forever.
• 1:04:26
  And- I'm a little bit more go with the flow.
• 1:04:29
  Like, I notice that my kids go through periods where they will have just the most bland little palettes, right?
• 1:04:38
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:04:39
  And, they're grazing, right?
• 1:04:40
  They'll go for three days where they want nothing but, pasta, and they just eat three bites of it, and then they run off.
• 1:04:47
  And it's like I've now been around enough where I'm like,"That will pass." Because then they have periods where they're ravenous, and they want all of the fruits and vegetables and all the things that I put in front of them, and then they go through periods where they just don't really want those things.
• 1:05:03
  Look at you, you seasoned mom over here.
• 1:05:05
  Yeah.
• 1:05:05
  I love it.
• 1:05:06
  Like, who am I?
• 1:05:07
  But it- But that's where con- it really just comes in phases that's where confidence comes from.
• 1:05:10
  Confidence- Yeah comes from, like, things not going your way- Yep and then things going your way.
• 1:05:15
  Yep.
• 1:05:15
  And you being able to, see, all right, you know what?
• 1:05:18
  They're not eating this.
• 1:05:19
  They'll eat tomorrow.
• 1:05:20
  Yes.
• 1:05:20
  Like, they're okay.
• 1:05:20
  Look at that.
• 1:05:21
  So, yeah that's, like, a new- Yeah thing for me.
• 1:05:23
  Joseph's pediatrician told me when he was a baby.
• 1:05:26
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:05:27
  He said,"If I can give you, like, a few nuggets of advice take this and remember it for the rest of your life.
• 1:05:32
  One meal a day is enough food for your kid right now." Yeah.
• 1:05:36
  One balanced meal is enough for the whole day.
• 1:05:38
  You do not need to do this three times.
• 1:05:40
  Yes.
• 1:05:41
  And I was like,"What?" Yes.
• 1:05:43
  And he was like,"Yeah." That's-"This is enough for him.
• 1:05:45
  If you are giving him, like, this at lunchtime or, like, maybe dinner is your big balanced one- Yeah or maybe breakfast is your big balanced one, like, that is the recommendation." Yeah.
• 1:05:55
  I think that any time you get advice where, some of it's just lived and learned, like you just said with me.
• 1:06:00
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:00
  Like, it's like I had to get through to a point where I went through an anxiety attack- Mm-hmm every single day to now getting to this point of, like, releasing some control.
• 1:06:09
  But my take living through that is I am not making three separate meals- Hmm to that point.
• 1:06:15
  So it's like if you don't want to eat, we have a few backup meals- Mm-hmm that, like, require nothing.
• 1:06:23
  Some of that is, like, Cheerios in a bowl, and some of that is plain pasta.
• 1:06:26
  or like a peanut butter sandwich.
• 1:06:28
  If you do not wanna eat any of those things- the kitchen is closed.
• 1:06:32
  It's kind of like, you know- Good for you it's like- Yeah okay, I understand sometimes like, sometimes you just are like,"I just want something simple tonight," and I try to respect that.
• 1:06:40
  So I have that as a backup, but that's it.
• 1:06:42
  If you don't want any of the backups, we are not making three separate meals tonight, and that's just a rule that I've put in place, and it's like, too bad.
• 1:06:49
  I love that.
• 1:06:50
  I love that.
• 1:06:51
  Well, I was telling you before we got here, I took the kids with me to grocery shop- Mm-hmm on Sunday to Stu Leonard's.
• 1:06:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:56
  And I let them, like, pick out food for the week, like foods they will eat.
• 1:07:00
  So, like, one's picking out lollipop lamb chops.
• 1:07:03
  One's picking out, like, lobster.
• 1:07:06
  And I was like,"All right, you'll eat this.
• 1:07:07
  I'll buy this." Yeah.
• 1:07:09
  Fine.
• 1:07:10
  But I was like,"What happened to buttered noodles?" Right.
• 1:07:13
  Oh, well.
• 1:07:13
  What happened to buttered noodles?
• 1:07:14
  Yeah.
• 1:07:14
  I guess the o- the opposite of buttered noodles is, like, an elaborate meal.
• 1:07:19
  So you know what?
• 1:07:19
  I'll take the buttered noodles right now.
• 1:07:21
  I, I gotta live somewhere in the middle.
• 1:07:22
  This is another hot take that I probably have changed my mind about since becoming a parent and kind of going through that first year of parenting.
• 1:07:31
  Okay.
• 1:07:31
  So I actually think that parenting information now has made parenting more stressful.
• 1:07:38
  I think that at the beginning when I was a mom following wake windows and I had all of the information and the guides and all of this stuff, I felt empowered.
• 1:07:48
  And I actually think now, living through it, it's too much information.
• 1:07:52
  And I think that a lot of the times you actually need to rely on, your gut, and we don't do that anymore.
• 1:07:59
  We're, like, always looking to, seek information, and you go against what your natural gut instinct would be, and that's usually right.
• 1:08:07
  You know what I mean?
• 1:08:08
  Good for you.
• 1:08:09
  I really feel like that.
• 1:08:11
  I love this.
• 1:08:11
  On our very first episode recording this podcast- Mm-hmm you said you would read the manual front to back.
• 1:08:15
  Yep.
• 1:08:15
  You'd make your mom read it.
• 1:08:16
  I wish I had it.
• 1:08:16
  You would make everybody- I wish I had a manual for everything you, you would read every single thing front to back.
• 1:08:21
  Yep.
• 1:08:21
  And now you are watching your children, and as you ta- you're taking it, like, s- day by day and minute by minute.
• 1:08:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:08:30
  And then you're reacting how you think you actually should- Yes and not how somebody's, like, telling you to.
• 1:08:35
  Yes.
• 1:08:35
  Yes, and not always looking for the answer for everything.
• 1:08:38
  There's not an answer always.
• 1:08:41
  Like, I have the answer, you know?
• 1:08:41
  There's not always an answer.
• 1:08:41
  Like, I'm the mom.
• 1:08:42
  I, most of the time, have the answer- Right in me, you know?
• 1:08:46
  It goes back to that, like, confidence as a mom.
• 1:08:49
  And I don't know if that's just, having multiple kids or just, doing this a little bit more now, but it's, yes, it's definitely something that I think that not only for me, I just think that we have too much information now.
• 1:09:04
  There's too much information.
• 1:09:06
  Don't you also think that there's not always an answer for everything?
• 1:09:09
  There's not.
• 1:09:10
  You know, like, we'll be out- Mm-hmm together.
• 1:09:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:09:14
  And we'll all be, like, pondering a topic, and then somebody will be very quick to get out their phone to look up the answer.
• 1:09:19
  It's like, but why do we need to know the answer?
• 1:09:22
  We always n- we need to know everything.
• 1:09:23
  Can't we just have a conversation and leave it open-ended, like- Yes this is what all of our thoughts are- Yes on this topic- Mm-hmm and then that's it?
• 1:09:29
  But no, like, somebody's gotta come in with, like, an answer.
• 1:09:32
  For sure.
• 1:09:33
  And I think that just in general, we over-explain everything to our kids.
• 1:09:39
  We need to feel like we have the answer, and I also feel like millennial parents, We, like, give a TED Talk about every single thing.
• 1:09:47
  And, this went back to our episode about, sometimes the answer is just knock it off, or the answer is just no.
• 1:09:52
  Yeah.
• 1:09:53
  No is the sentence.
• 1:09:54
  And I don't need to explain why.
• 1:09:56
  Right.
• 1:09:56
  And I feel like us, for some reason, maybe because we have so much information now, we also, like, spew the information.
• 1:10:03
  It's like we feel like we need to justify or, have an elaborate answer to every question our kid has, and, sometimes the answer is just no.
• 1:10:12
  Right.
• 1:10:12
  If we feel like we have access to the information, we should share it.
• 1:10:15
  Yes.
• 1:10:16
  Or you feel like you're like,"This is why we're leaving Target right now." We enter a paragraph, and it's like- no, we're just leaving.
• 1:10:23
  Because we're done.
• 1:10:24
  Bye.
• 1:10:24
  Bye.
• 1:10:24
  We're done.
• 1:10:25
  Like, we, we spend so much time and energy explaining things because we have so much information.
• 1:10:32
  And what, and this is what's coming next- Yes and then this, and then this.
• 1:10:36
  Nick and I were with the kids this weekend- Mm-hmm and they were asking us so many questions about what was coming next, and we were like,"We don't actually know.
• 1:10:43
  When we know, we will let you all know, but you are all still safe, and you are all good." I you know what?
• 1:10:49
  Be in the backseat.
• 1:10:50
  I think- Look out the window I think that even if I look back on, like, the parent I was a few years ago, I did so much over-explaining and c- and prepping, right?
• 1:11:02
  And we always talk about those as they can be good things, but they're exhausting.
• 1:11:06
  And I noticed that when I took a little bit of a step back and I'm not over-explaining, I'm not always trying to prep them for every single little thing, how much energy I was expending doing that.
• 1:11:19
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:11:20
  And when I'm just kind of, more quiet with my kids, I am less exhausted.
• 1:11:25
  When I'm constantly feeling like, oh, I'm talking through a tantrum, I'm trying to prep the next thing to avoid the next tantrum.
• 1:11:33
  I'm explaining this.
• 1:11:35
  I'm talking through the...
• 1:11:37
  It, it- With the same result depletes me.
• 1:11:39
  It, and I don't think it helps the situation at all.
• 1:11:42
  Same result.
• 1:11:42
  So I feel like sometimes quiet equals peace.
• 1:11:47
  Literally.
• 1:11:48
  So, and, and I feel like then I'm more peaceful.
• 1:11:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:11:51
  Because I'm not depleted by having to do- Mm-hmm all of the over-explaining, the over-talking, and the constant answering questions, When I'm a little bit more quiet, and I don't mean avoidant, I just mean, more quiet, it kind of, sets the pace, right?
• 1:12:07
  Because if you're over-explaining, they're not understanding your words, but they're hearing commotion- They're hearing noise and getting stimulation.
• 1:12:12
  Yes.
• 1:12:13
  So then they're ba, ba, ba, ba, yes.
• 1:12:14
  So I think- Yes the key is if your kid is in the right mind frame to maybe have a moment where there is some question and asking sec- you know, that portion of the day, you know- Yeah allows for it- Yeah terrific.
• 1:12:29
  Not every single thing needs, like you said, to have a full- A TED Talk TED Talk.
• 1:12:34
  Yes.
• 1:12:34
  Yeah.
• 1:12:34
  I agree.
• 1:12:35
  And then even, like, through tantrums, a- No, you have to stay silent through those.
• 1:12:39
  You have to stay silent.
• 1:12:41
  And I would have thought, like, you know, again, back to, like, parenting advice.
• 1:12:45
  It's like, talk them through, get down on their level, all the...
• 1:12:48
  And it, th- doing that does not solve the problem, and it also exhausts you more and depletes you more.
• 1:12:55
  So I think sometimes, like, the more quiet you are and the more steady you seem, the quicker things dissipate.
• 1:13:03
  Versus having to talk through it.
• 1:13:05
  I cannot explain how exhausted I get from doing that, and that was, like, a live and learn thing.
• 1:13:10
  Uh, but you've been saying to me that how much more replenished you feel lately.
• 1:13:13
  And it's because I've just taken a different approach- And it's working to things, and it's working.
• 1:13:19
  Yeah, for sure.
• 1:13:20
  Okay.
• 1:13:20
  So then we had two which each of us saw are, like, really hot take.
• 1:13:25
  Where you think people might disagree with you.
• 1:13:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:13:28
  So we saved those.
• 1:13:29
  Okay.
• 1:13:29
  So what is yours?
• 1:13:31
  Okay, So the hot take from me is that, I think that older kids are actually harder than babies and toddlers.
• 1:13:38
  Oh, that gutted me when you said that.
• 1:13:40
  I was like- I- no I think, though, okay, so there's, let me back up, though I'm a little bit more rested.
• 1:13:48
  And I do have a little bit more free time- Mm-hmm because they're out of the house more.
• 1:13:51
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:13:52
  And- So it balances a little bit and I don't have to worry as much They don't have to be, like, in my immediate presence the way they were when they were babies- Mm-hmm you know?
• 1:13:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:13:59
  And toddlers.
• 1:14:00
  So, like, the safety thing has been lifted.
• 1:14:02
  However, there was a nap, and there was a 7:00 PM bedtime.
• 1:14:06
  There was a start and stop to the day.
• 1:14:09
  I think that as they get older, and I'm in this world now, so I can speak to both, there's really not a start and stop to the day.
• 1:14:16
  Loops don't close.
• 1:14:17
  Oh.
• 1:14:17
  Things pop up constantly.
• 1:14:20
  They all have their own needs, and they need my emotional support.
• 1:14:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:14:24
  So they may not me- need me to, like, carry them, But they need my emotional support.
• 1:14:29
  So I think that these years right now are kind of, hard.
• 1:14:32
  Well, I've haven't lived it yet, and i understand what you're saying because they do say,"Bigger kids, bigger problems." Like, that's a saying.
• 1:14:40
  And so I, I can, like, look at you, and I can understand.
• 1:14:45
  You have to do so much more parenting- Mm-hmm now that they're older, You always would say that the beginning is so much more custodial.
• 1:14:54
  You're do- you're keeping track of things.
• 1:14:56
  You're cleaning.
• 1:14:57
  You're i- cooking.
• 1:14:58
  You're doing all, like, very physical things, and you don't do a ton of parenting until they get a little bit older, and then the parenting is very hard.
• 1:15:08
  So yes, you might get some time back.
• 1:15:10
  You feel like yourself a little bit more, but then you are on with the kids.
• 1:15:15
  Oh, oh, you're on.
• 1:15:16
  And also, even everything you're doing right now- Mm-hmm you're still modeling.
• 1:15:21
  You're modeling everything.
• 1:15:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:15:22
  Like, your manners, the way you speak to people- Mm-hmm the way you speak to your husband, the way you speak to yourself,'cause they're watching, watching, watching.
• 1:15:27
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:15:27
  And then when they have the independence, and they go out on their own, then they use it.
• 1:15:34
  And then you're not there to correct.
• 1:15:36
  So it's like you have to spend these, like- Yeah earlier years, like, correcting, correcting.
• 1:15:40
  That's very exhausting.
• 1:15:41
  It's exhausting.
• 1:15:41
  And then as they get older, they're on their own a little bit more, and you're like did you say please and thank you?" You know, Joseph went with his friends yesterday golfing.
• 1:15:50
  Like, did you leave a tip like we taught you?" And I'm trying not to, like, berate him with questions, but it's like, did you do it right?
• 1:15:57
  Right.
• 1:15:57
  Where are we?
• 1:15:58
  Yeah.
• 1:15:58
  Think that the older is, like, harder.
• 1:16:01
  Interesting.
• 1:16:02
  I wonder if other people would agree with that.
• 1:16:04
  I don't know.
• 1:16:04
  I do think that they- I would love to- I know.
• 1:16:05
  I would love to hear everybody's opinions.
• 1:16:06
  I know.
• 1:16:07
  Like- I'm sure it's, harder in ways and then easier in ways.
• 1:16:10
  Just like the beginning is harder in ways and easier in ways, you know?
• 1:16:14
  I was unwell when they were young, and now I'm, like, better, and I'm like,"Thank God I'm good because this is a, this is harder." Yeah, this is harder.
• 1:16:23
  This is harder.
• 1:16:23
  Yeah.
• 1:16:24
  Crazy.
• 1:16:24
  It is.
• 1:16:24
  I know.
• 1:16:25
  So that's what I have to look forward to.
• 1:16:27
  My hot take- What's your hot take?
• 1:16:28
  My hot take is so I have found that the younger years, like playing with the kids and that type of involvement as a, as a parent, I find very hard.
• 1:16:41
  Playing with your kids.
• 1:16:43
  Did you, did you like, like playing with your kids?
• 1:16:46
  No, not really.
• 1:16:47
  I I still- There was a few things that I- Yeah that I excelled in.
• 1:16:49
  I liked Magna-Tiles.
• 1:16:51
  Yes.
• 1:16:52
  I do.
• 1:16:52
  I like those, too.
• 1:16:53
  But, or, and maybe a puzzle every now- Yeah and again.
• 1:16:57
  But no, I didn't really, like enjoy, like playing- Yeah like on the ground and playing.
• 1:17:02
  No, I have- And I feel bad about it.
• 1:17:04
  I know.
• 1:17:04
  I feel a lot of guilt, but I'm not crazy about, I agree, like being on the floor and playing, and like I can do a little bit of like pretend play with them and like scenarios if they wanna play something, like but I have a short attention span for it, because they could just keep going and going, and I have a short attention span.
• 1:17:22
  That's why you, that's why they have a sibling.
• 1:17:23
  Yes.
• 1:17:23
  For that reason.
• 1:17:24
  Yes.
• 1:17:24
  So they could play- Yes and you could do something else.
• 1:17:26
  Yes.
• 1:17:26
  And a- and even like setting up, structured activities.
• 1:17:32
  If it's like,"Oh, okay, we're all gonna paint now," or we're gonna do- Oh, God oh, or Play-Doh.
• 1:17:37
  Play-Doh is like the bane of my existence.
• 1:17:40
  I like literally cannot stand when they're asking for the Play-Doh to come out.
• 1:17:44
  I'm like,"No, please." It's so messy.
• 1:17:47
  It gets everywhere.
• 1:17:48
  They mix it together.
• 1:17:50
  There's just some things that I'm like, I know that I have to do this, and I try to make it magical, but I'm just, like my heart's not in it.
• 1:17:58
  But like why make it magical?
• 1:17:59
  I don't know.
• 1:18:00
  But like why-'Cause there's the pressure try to make it magical?
• 1:18:02
  I don't know.
• 1:18:03
  Like, it's not magical.
• 1:18:04
  They're playing with Play-Doh.
• 1:18:05
  I will say- Like, play with your Play-Doh- Yes and then we're gonna throw it away.
• 1:18:08
  I- It's like a one use only I will say that what excites me is doing a little bit more, like experiences together.
• 1:18:15
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:18:15
  And so that's where I kind of see us rounding the corner of like I can bring them somewhere, and I can watch something through their eyes, and watch them see something for the first time or experience something, and those to me are more fun.
• 1:18:29
  Like, that's- 100%.
• 1:18:30
  But I am not into the playing on the ground and all of, any of that.
• 1:18:36
  No.
• 1:18:36
  It's just not where I excel.
• 1:18:39
  No.
• 1:18:39
  Also same.
• 1:18:40
  I also just have very, like little patience for that type of stuff, so it's, I feel bad saying that, but that's- But playing gets better as you get older.
• 1:18:47
  Yes.
• 1:18:48
  Because now, like playing is like makeup.
• 1:18:50
  Like, the girls play with makeup- Yeah, that's why- and hair stuff.
• 1:18:52
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:18:53
  Like, and you'll play with your daughter doing that, and you'll be like- Yeah"Oh, this isn't actually playing." Yeah, yeah.
• 1:18:56
  "This is like what we do." Yeah.
• 1:18:57
  Hobbies.
• 1:19:00
  So that's just my extremely hot take that people are probably gonna be like,"You're such a terrible mom for saying that," but- Or not, or, or you'll be like- Or, or you'll agree with me also me too.
• 1:19:09
  I know.
• 1:19:10
  Like, that's just not what lights me up.
• 1:19:12
  Oh, I know.
• 1:19:15
  Well this was fun, but we're gonna close with our Pink Spotlight, which is our weekly person, place, thing, tip, mantra, anything that's making life a little bit better this week.
• 1:19:28
  I brought you mine.
• 1:19:29
  Ooh.
• 1:19:30
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:19:30
  Show me.
• 1:19:31
  A little show and tell.
• 1:19:31
  I love a show and tell.
• 1:19:32
  So if you guys follow me on Instagram, you've probably seen me raving about this,'cause I had a couple of products over the summer that I added into my routine that I ended up loving.
• 1:19:42
  But I started doing this lymphatic drainage, I guess, or dry brushing brush on my face, and I love it.
• 1:19:51
  So I am like, I get so puffy.
• 1:19:53
  We talk about this all the time.
• 1:19:54
  Like, I eat, one too many french fries and I retain so much fluid in my face.
• 1:19:59
  And so I like gua sha, like, I've done that before.
• 1:20:01
  But I do not have freaking time or patience for that at all.
• 1:20:05
  It's the most annoying step, but you get a lot of results.
• 1:20:08
  But you usually have to put, like, oil on your face.
• 1:20:11
  Is that that thing that's like- Yeah, it's like the stone- Yeah that's curved and you, like, run it along your jawline and like move it down.
• 1:20:16
  Listen, when you do it, it works.
• 1:20:17
  Oh, I agree with it.
• 1:20:18
  Like- I feel like, it looks like I got a nose job when I do it.
• 1:20:20
  100%.
• 1:20:20
  'Cause my nose is like, you know.
• 1:20:21
  1,000% you get results, but it's just such an annoying step and anything that, like, requires me putting anything on my face that I have to, like, wash off, no.
• 1:20:32
  So I did see that there's these dry brushes that you use dry.
• 1:20:36
  Like, you can actually use on your clean face without having to put any oil on, and I get insane results from this.
• 1:20:42
  Really?
• 1:20:42
  So it's just a little, dry brush for your face, and it's curved.
• 1:20:45
  It kind of looks like a moon.
• 1:20:47
  Oh, so cute.
• 1:20:47
  Like a curved moon, and it fits in all of the areas, and you just go over and over those areas.
• 1:20:53
  And basically,'cause I know you're, a lot of you are listening and not watching, but, like, you're moving everything down and out.
• 1:21:00
  So you're, like, pushing the fluid away and then down your neck.
• 1:21:03
  So if you want- went along your jawline, you're going from your chin, you're going all the way to your ear, and then you're going down the side of your neck, and it really moves fluid out of your face.
• 1:21:12
  Like, you can actually see you de-puff and lift at the same time.
• 1:21:17
  So then you're like- Mm on your eyebrow and you're bringing everything up towards your hairline.
• 1:21:21
  And if you do that over and over again, you can do your face in, like, two minutes, and you look snatched.
• 1:21:28
  Ooh.
• 1:21:28
  And the more you do it, I guess the longer the results last.
• 1:21:31
  So, like, if you do it, you know, it might last a couple of hours.
• 1:21:34
  The more- What do you- and more you do it.
• 1:21:36
  What do you put on your face before you dry brush?
• 1:21:38
  Nothing.
• 1:21:38
  Noth- you can just dry brush whatever?
• 1:21:39
  Nothing.
• 1:21:39
  That's the best part.
• 1:21:40
  Like, obviously, I like to start with a clean face so that I'm not getting makeup in there.
• 1:21:44
  On the brush.
• 1:21:44
  On the brush.
• 1:21:45
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:21:45
  But, like, that's the best part is that you don't need to put oil on your face or a serum or anything on your face.
• 1:21:51
  Like, you can use it first thing in the morning.
• 1:21:53
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:21:53
  And I like that it's something where you can actually, like, use it and I don't have to be in front of a mirror, you know?
• 1:21:59
  I can bring it downstairs with me and do it while I'm having a matcha for the morning.
• 1:22:03
  But I actually look forward to doing it at some point throughout the day, and I am obsessed.
• 1:22:10
  Like, you could do it at night, but obviously it's, like, better to do it in the morning for the results.
• 1:22:14
  But I'm obsessed so I brought you one for you to try.
• 1:22:16
  Ooh, I wanna try it.
• 1:22:17
  Do you do on your body too?
• 1:22:19
  I have tried dry brushing.
• 1:22:20
  Do you do one on your body?
• 1:22:20
  I don't.
• 1:22:21
  I've tried it before, but it's not something that I do all the time.
• 1:22:24
  But it's the same idea.
• 1:22:24
  Like, dry brushing, opens everything up.
• 1:22:26
  It's lymphatic drainage.
• 1:22:28
  It snatches you.
• 1:22:30
  But this is for your face.
• 1:22:31
  Mm.
• 1:22:31
  Like, I swear to God.
• 1:22:32
  It is amazing.
• 1:22:33
  And I've heard that, I haven't luckily had to do it yet, but knock on freaking wood, but if you get congested, it's an easy way- Oh to like move the congestion out of your face.
• 1:22:44
  Oh.
• 1:22:45
  And so like- Oh, well that I'm here for meaning like if you're sick- That I'm here for, yeah like it actually moves, you can move the fluid out.
• 1:22:51
  If you s- if you get like a sinus infection- Mm-hmm and you feel all that pressure, you can move it out of your face.
• 1:22:56
  Hmm.
• 1:22:56
  Okay.
• 1:22:57
  So it's legit.
• 1:22:57
  Okay.
• 1:22:57
  I am obsessed.
• 1:22:58
  And it's like under$10.
• 1:23:00
  I'm gonna link the brush.
• 1:23:01
  Like, you literally can have a few and stash them places.
• 1:23:04
  Okay.
• 1:23:04
  What do you got for me this week?
• 1:23:05
  All right, so I have a product- Okay that I was influenced by from Meg Hall.
• 1:23:09
  Okay.
• 1:23:10
  So I have curly hair.
• 1:23:11
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:23:12
  And I know you are a huge fan of the Shark, the blow-dryer- Uh-huh where it like curls your hair.
• 1:23:17
  Yep.
• 1:23:18
  But my biggest problem with that tool is like by like my scalp I have like kinks and curls, so when I use that product, I feel like it like drives- It doesn't get the scalp and curls my head, but my crown is not blown out.
• 1:23:32
  And sometimes I don't want like blown out hair, I just want like straightened hair- Smooth or just like smooth hair.
• 1:23:38
  Like, it doesn't always need to be like- curled.
• 1:23:40
  Ooh, so I know what she, I know what she recommended.
• 1:23:42
  Perfectly.
• 1:23:42
  So.
• 1:23:43
  So she recommended the Shark Silky Pro Straight.
• 1:23:47
  Yeah.
• 1:23:47
  And I overnighted it, and I got it the next morning.
• 1:23:50
  It's amazing.
• 1:23:51
  Oh, my God.
• 1:23:52
  For multiple reasons.
• 1:23:53
  And even the girls can use it.
• 1:23:54
  The girls used it- Is it like a straightener?
• 1:23:56
  It's everything.
• 1:23:57
  That, that blow-dries?
• 1:23:58
  So you can use it to just blow-dry, and you can also use it to straighten and blow-dry at the same time, or you can just use it as a straightener.
• 1:24:07
  Oh, my God.
• 1:24:08
  You can.
• 1:24:08
  And it's amazing.
• 1:24:09
  Today I used it to touch up my hair- Mm and my hair was dry.
• 1:24:12
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:24:12
  And every time you always get those like little kinks and curls in here.
• 1:24:16
  You can really get in there.
• 1:24:17
  You can get in there with it.
• 1:24:18
  And if you spray your hair with a little bit of a heat protectant, just the moisture from the heat protectant will get blow-dried by, and it's not gonna be like that ts- like sizzle sound.
• 1:24:30
  Like, you know sometimes when your hair hits moisture and you hear like that- Mm-hmm ts- sound?
• 1:24:34
  Oof.
• 1:24:35
  It's terrific.
• 1:24:36
  I am gonna try it.
• 1:24:37
  And I had tried, like Dyson makes like a similar version- Mm-hmm of this, and I had tried that one a few years ago, but I couldn't justify the price on it,'cause it was$400.
• 1:24:47
  Yeah.
• 1:24:47
  And I was like,"I don't really know if, like, this tool is worth$400." Shark has made insane dupes.
• 1:24:52
  It might have even been$500.
• 1:24:54
  Yes.
• 1:24:55
  But this one was on sale.
• 1:24:56
  I got it on Amazon from her link- Mm-hmm and I'll share her link.
• 1:24:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:24:59
  It was, like, 199, and I think for that price, this is worth it.
• 1:25:03
  I agree,'cause, uh, Shark has made Sh- I have the Dyson dupe that's, that's Shark, and it's half the price.
• 1:25:10
  It might even be, like, a third of the price.
• 1:25:11
  Right, right.
• 1:25:12
  And the results are so great.
• 1:25:14
  Right.
• 1:25:14
  Like, they are so comparable, and it's not, like, an extremely cheap version where you're like, am I getting the quality of the product?" Shark makes amazing things, and it's nice that they kinda make dupes that's, like, a little bit less- Mm-hmm but same quality product.
• 1:25:28
  Yeah.
• 1:25:28
  And if you have, like, teen, tween girls or, in my case, a seven-year-old girl- Yeah they used it to blow-dry, blow their hair out with it.
• 1:25:36
  Oh my God.
• 1:25:37
  I wanna go use it.
• 1:25:37
  Because that's, like, the new thing.
• 1:25:38
  They're trying to, learn how to, like, do their own hair, and also, it's not bulky.
• 1:25:42
  Like, the blow-dryer's, like, hard to hold up.
• 1:25:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:25:44
  Like, even for me- Mm-hmm my arms- Mm-hmm I'm, like, tired by the time I'm done holding up- I wanna go use this a blow-dryer.
• 1:25:49
  Yeah, no, it's awesome.
• 1:25:49
  I wanna use it.
• 1:25:50
  I really like it a lot.
• 1:25:51
  Cool.
• 1:25:51
  And I got the pink one.
• 1:25:52
  Love it.
• 1:25:52
  So it's, like, pretty and it's cute, so.
• 1:25:55
  And very on brand for us.
• 1:25:56
  Um- I love it.
• 1:25:57
  Okay, so we'll link both of those things in our show notes- Yeah under the pink spotlight.
• 1:26:01
  And then next week, guys, we are so excited because, like we said at the beginning of this episode, we are gonna deep dive into sleep with a sleep expert and ask all the questions.
• 1:26:13
  So we're so excited about that episode- Yeah because it's been on my bucket list since we started this, so.
• 1:26:20
  I know.
• 1:26:20
  I'm pumped.
• 1:26:21
  So we'll see you guys next week.
• 1:26:24
  See you next week.
• 1:26:25
  Bye.
• 1:26:26
  Bye.