Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 78: No Thank You, I’ve Got It | When Self-Sufficiency Gets in the Way of Connection

Transcript

78: No Thank You, I’ve Got It | When Self-Sufficiency Gets in the Way of Connection · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:03
  Tania: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:10
  Tania: I'm Tania Cervoni your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:21
  Tania: Let's jump in.
• 0:27
  Speaker: Hey friend, welcome back to another episode.
• 0:30
  Speaker: I want to share a little story with you.
• 0:33
  Speaker: Last week, I was preparing to take a trip to North Carolina, and just as I was about to book my Uber to the airport, it occurred to me to do something different, and might I add, slightly uncomfortable.
• 0:48
  Speaker: Instead of booking the Uber, I decided to ask my neighbor Donna for a ride, an eight-minute ride to the airport.
• 0:56
  Speaker: And I didn't stop there.
• 0:58
  Speaker: I then decided to ask my neighbor Linda to check my mail while I was away.
• 1:03
  Speaker: Now, both of these things are somewhat unusual and slightly uncomfortable for me because growing up, I was taught that it's not really considerate to ask people for things.
• 1:16
  Speaker: And that's why what happened next was particularly interesting to me.
• 1:22
  Speaker: I went downstairs to hand Linda the key to the mailbox, and right at that moment, Donna walked in the front door of the building.
• 1:31
  Speaker: And suddenly the three of us started having this conversation about just how fortunate we were to have such good neighbors and how great it was that we can be there for one another.
• 1:42
  Speaker: And as I was standing there, I had this strange realization that, you know, for most of my life, I think part of being a good person, a good neighbor, meant not asking people for things.
• 1:59
  Speaker: But standing there with these two women I just asked for help made me wonder, you know, maybe sometimes I wasn't being a good neighbor.
• 2:11
  Speaker: Maybe I was simply being a very self-sufficient one, and those two things aren't necessarily synonymous.
• 2:20
  Speaker: So where did this belief come from?
• 2:22
  Speaker: I remember my dad in particular teaching me something really important.
• 2:29
  Speaker: He taught me to be polite, not to presume, not to take advantage of people, and to appreciate what you're given.
• 2:38
  Speaker: Those were valuable lessons, and I'm grateful for them.
• 2:43
  Speaker: But somewhere along the way, the "don't take advantage of people" got twisted in my head into "don't ever ask people for anything, ever." And along with that is don't receive anything you're offered either.
• 3:02
  Speaker: I have a little example of where I took that to the extreme.
• 3:06
  Speaker: I remember being about eight years old, visiting one of my aunts, and I'd been playing outside with my cousin.
• 3:12
  Speaker: It was the summertime.
• 3:15
  Speaker: I was hot, sweaty, dying of thirst.
• 3:18
  Speaker: And I came into the house, and my aunt, who I think could clearly see that I was hot and thirsty, offered me a glass of water.
• 3:25
  Speaker: So of course, what did I say?
• 3:27
  Speaker: "No, thank you." Because that was the polite thing to say, which resulted only moments later in me being upstairs in the bathroom, standing on my tippy-toes and desperately trying to contort myself so I could stick my head underneath the faucet and drink copious amounts of water.
• 3:46
  Speaker: Now, looking back, it's hilarious, but it's also pretty revealing.
• 3:51
  Speaker: I had taken this perfectly good lesson about being considerate and turned it into such a rigid rule that I would rather drink out of a bathroom faucet than accept a glass of water that had actually been offered to me.
• 4:07
  Speaker: I didn't even have to ask for it.
• 4:09
  Speaker: Now- I'm not exactly sure where this idea of never asking anything came from.
• 4:17
  Speaker: I know my dad grew up with considerable scarcity, and I also know my grandmother was a very proud person.
• 4:25
  Speaker: So maybe there was something in his upbringing that influenced this idea around pride and not asking for things.
• 4:32
  Speaker: I don't know.
• 4:33
  Speaker: But it does make me wonder how many beliefs we inherit without ever knowing the circumstances that originally shaped them.
• 4:44
  Speaker: You know, we just take them on, and then sometimes we let them dictate how we live our lives long after those circumstances themselves have disappeared.
• 4:54
  Speaker: So I started getting really curious about this particular rule I had carried for so long, and I also noticed a few other related things.
• 5:05
  Speaker: For example, I had an easier time asking Donna for a ride than I think I would have had asking one of my other neighbors, and I think I know why.
• 5:15
  Speaker: I've watched her dog at least three times when she's needed to run errands.
• 5:21
  Speaker: Not that I was consciously thinking, "Okay, Donna, three dog-sitting credits equals one eight-minute airport ride." But somewhere in me, I think having given something in the relationship made it feel more permissible to receive.
• 5:40
  Speaker: And then there's Linda, and how I interacted with her was also pretty revealing.
• 5:47
  Speaker: When I handed her the key to my mailbox, I also handed her a thank-you gift.
• 5:52
  Speaker: Except here's the thing: I had originally intended to give her the gift when I came back from my trip.
• 5:58
  Speaker: But instead, I found myself handing it to her along with the key, almost as if I needed to establish right out of the gate like, "Okay, just so we're clear, Linda, I'm not a taker.
• 6:10
  Speaker: Here's your gift.
• 6:11
  Speaker: I'm not taking advantage of you.
• 6:13
  Speaker: Now please accept the mailbox key." Which makes me laugh because Being raised Italian, this also reminds me of the whole busta ledger thing.
• 6:24
  Speaker: Now, if you don't know what a busta is, it's literally an envelope, but in this context, it's the envelope of money that you give at a wedding or a baptism or a communion or one of the many other celebrations or sacraments that happens inside of an Italian family.
• 6:40
  Speaker: And you may have seen some of the humorous videos about this online.
• 6:44
  Speaker: There's this idea of the Italian family ledger.
• 6:47
  Speaker: You know, somebody gives you this much at your child's wedding, so when you're invited to their child's wedding, you need to know what they gave you so that you know what to put in their busta.
• 7:02
  Speaker: Now, I don't remember my parents actually having a ledger book, but I definitely remember an awareness of making sure that you give at least as much as you've been given.
• 7:15
  Speaker: And listen, there's nothing wrong with reciprocity.
• 7:19
  Speaker: I think it's beautiful, you know, when people show up for one another.
• 7:24
  Speaker: But I think there's a difference between reciprocity and actually keeping the books balanced.
• 7:30
  Speaker: Healthy relationships probably aren't supposed to feel as though every favor creates a tiny debt that needs to be repaid.
• 7:39
  Speaker: And beyond that, I'm noticing just how much more comfortable I am giving than receiving, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.
• 7:51
  Speaker: I'm actually quite comfortable helping people.
• 7:54
  Speaker: I genuinely enjoy it.
• 7:56
  Speaker: So why do I automatically assume that asking someone to help me is going to feel like a burden to them?
• 8:04
  Speaker: Of course, you know, some people can ask too much.
• 8:09
  Speaker: I've experienced that as well.
• 8:11
  Speaker: So I'm certainly not suggesting that consideration doesn't matter, because obviously it does.
• 8:16
  Speaker: But I'm beginning to wonder whether never needing anything and always saying, "No, thank you, you know, I've got this," doesn't just protect other people from inconvenience.
• 8:28
  Speaker: Maybe it also keeps them at a distance.
• 8:32
  Speaker: And that takes me back to the conversation in the hallway with Donna and Linda.
• 8:37
  Speaker: Donna drove me to the airport.
• 8:39
  Speaker: Linda checked my mail.
• 8:41
  Speaker: I've watched Donna's anxious dog so she could run errands.
• 8:45
  Speaker: I've helped other neighbors when they've needed something.
• 8:49
  Speaker: And at some point, someone else in the building is going to need something too.
• 8:52
  Speaker: And I think that's just what neighbors do, and that's what friends do.
• 8:57
  Speaker: You know, we show up for one another.
• 8:59
  Speaker: Which means that maybe all these years when I thought I was being a good neighbor or a good friend by never asking for anything, sometimes I was simply being a very self-sufficient one.
• 9:11
  Speaker: And I'm starting to realize at a deeper level that those aren't necessarily the same thing So the lesson my dad gave me wasn't wrong.
• 9:22
  Speaker: Maybe it just needed a little updating in my mind.
• 9:25
  Speaker: I still want to be considerate.
• 9:28
  Speaker: I don't want to presume upon anyone's, you know, generosity.
• 9:33
  Speaker: I certainly don't want to take advantage of anyone, and I'm grateful my dad taught me those things.
• 9:38
  Speaker: But maybe I can add something to the lesson now.
• 9:42
  Speaker: Let people give, too.
• 9:46
  Speaker: Because maybe being considerate doesn't mean needing as little as possible from other people.
• 9:53
  Speaker: Maybe allowing ourselves to need one another occasionally is part of how we become connected.
• 10:01
  Speaker: So I guess my invitation to you today is to consider where might you be working really hard not to inconvenience anyone when one small ask might actually create an opportunity for connection?
• 10:17
  Speaker: And, oh, by the way, if someone offers you a glass of water this week, for heaven's sakes, just say "Yes, thank you."
• 10:31
  Tania: Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 10:33
  Tania: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 10:37
  Tania: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 10:40
  Tania: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 10:44
  Tania: I'm Tania Cervoni and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 10:49
  Tania: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.