Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / What happens when you REACH out to a narcissist?

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What happens when you REACH out to a narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're going to be answering the question, what
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  happens when you are the one that reaches out to the
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  narcissist? What happens when you are the
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  one that breaks no contact and you just give in and talk?
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  Want to talk to him? If you're new here, my name is
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  Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist.
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  And welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  Bam, welcome back folks, welcome back, welcome back.
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  So narcissistic people. What happens when you are the
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  one that breaks no contact? What happens when you are the
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  one that reaches out to them because you can't take it
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  anymore? You're the pain is too intense.
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  You miss the hell out of them. What happens when this happens?
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  What happens when you are the one that reaches out?
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  So coming from the position of a narcissist, coming from the
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  place of a narcissist, the mind of a narcissist says that if you
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  reach out to me, you lose. It really is kind of like
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  playing the game, right? It really is almost exactly like
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  playing a damn near playing a toxic game.
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  Because if you reach out to me, in my mind, if you reach out to
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  me, that means everything that I've said to you, everything
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  that I've done to you, everything that I've put you
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  through, everything you said I put you through, everything that
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  we've been through, but that that has been my fault is no
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  longer valid. It's games of wins and losses.
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  You just gave me a big win. Because if you reach out to me,
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  regardless of what you have to say to me, I take it as
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  validation for my actions and my behaviors.
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  And most narcissists are going to do the same thing.
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  They take what you say regardless of what you say.
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  They take the action of you reaching out to them as a
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  victory in validation of what they've done and what they've
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  been through, what they put you through.
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  So think about that before, before you reach out to them,
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  before you break no contact when you when it when the time when
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  times are getting tough and your hands are shaking and wobbling
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  and you want to contact them so bad.
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  You got, you got that. You got that it itch that the
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  survivor itch before you break no contact.
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  Think about that right there. Do I want them to have the
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  power? Do I want them to feel like
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  they're in control and the answer to the answer, Let's be
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  real for some of y'all might be yes, Will Lee.
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  I would rather them have the control and talk to me did not
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  talk to me at all. If that's what it takes, I'll do
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  it. I'll talk to people like that.
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  I felt so, I felt so bad, y'all, I was when I'm talking to people
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  who are, who are in those positions and they're missing
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  and the narcissist is so bad and they're in so much pain.
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  I, those conversations hurt so bad.
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  Y'all they, they, they suck to have because of my, in my
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  coaching calls. I get that a lot, you know what
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  I'm saying? I get, I absolutely get that a
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  lot every time I talk. Not every time, but while
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  talking to people. Some people are willing to lay
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  down and be a doormat just to just because being stepped on
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  lets them feel something. You mean it's just in that space
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  right there. Some people will lay down and be
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  a doormat because being stepped on means at least I'm.
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  Yeah, at least I'm feeling something.
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  And yes, I just made it up off the top of my head.
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  Yeah, I know there was fire. Like, at least I feel something.
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  At least I'm not alone. At least I'm not by myself.
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  At least I have this. At least I have that.
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  At least they're still in contact with me.
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  That means that you have work to do on yourself, you know, and so
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  many people like Zam. So there's so many people who
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  would rather be that doormat because it allows you like this,
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  that space, because you like, well, at least I'm not by
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  myself. You have these, you might have
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  these abandonment issues that you're facing and that you're
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  dealing with and that you're trying to process.
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  So you reach out to them because you don't want to be abandoned.
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  You don't want you don't they have abandoned issues, right?
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  They don't want to have is they, they don't want to have, you
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  know, that they have abandoned issues.
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  So you reach out to them. You see what I'm saying?
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  I don't want them to have. I don't want to contribute to
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  their abandonment wound, even though they've contributed to
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  mine. I don't want to contribute any
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  type of contribution to their abandonment wound.
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  Even though they've done the opposite for me, even though
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  they've put me through the ringer, even though they've put
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  me through the pain, even though they've been the ones who have
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  done this to me. You know, so if you are the one
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  that reaches out to NARS, there's just let's why do these
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  videos y'all? Because like I don't want y'all
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  like I know no contact this tough.
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  I don't want to make it seem like no contact is this easy
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  task that everybody this easy menial task that everyone should
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  be able to do. You can do it, but it's going to
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  be tough and everybody's situation differently.
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  I can't go no contact. I have kids.
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  It's in the court order that's different.
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  You can go low, low contact. Low, low contact is the best you
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  can do a lot, a lot of times in those situations, unless you
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  have a, an intermediary or a third party that is willing to
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  be the go between and would not do exchanges and drop offs and
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  stuff like that. Unless you have that he's going,
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  you don't have to, you don't have to communicate with them
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  soon, somehow, somehow, some way, shape or form.
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  So that's what the preparation is for y'all.
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  That's what the healing journey is for.
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  Like. So before you reach out to them,
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  ask yourself this question, y'all, what am I willing to give
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  up? What am I willing to sacrifice?
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  And if you if, if that list is getting longer, like you need to
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  write a list of what you're willing to give up and what
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  you're willing to sacrifice to be with this person or to feel
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  something for this person. If that list is long as hell,
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  that means you have to. There's some some development
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  things we have going on with you.
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  There's some healing things that you have to work through.
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  You have to work on yourself because you have the thought,
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  the thought of it, the thought of giving up so much just to be
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  in this person's orbit. It's kind of wild.
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  You know, they thought about giving up so many things.
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  Giving, being willing to, being willing to do this, being
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  willing to do that. It's, it's, it's just kind of
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  crazy. It really is.
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  So that's something that you have to consider before you
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  reach out to them because that narcissist want you to reach.
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  Some of them don't want you to reach out.
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  Some of them are going to be done with you, right.
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  But there are some out there that want you to be the one to
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  reach out because they want that clean slate.
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  You wipe the slate clean for them.
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  When you reach out to me, you wipe the slate clean for me.
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  Whether you know it or not, whether you want to or not, I
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  have a clean slate now. I know there wasn't the intent,
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  the original intention, but that's what happened.
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  That's what you've given to me. I have it now because you've
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  given it to me. I have it now because you
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  decided that you know you. You reaching out to me, being in
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  contact with me. It's more important to your own
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  mental health. That's what that's the struggle
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  that you have to battle with right there because narcissistic
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  people, they don't really care about your mental health like
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  that y'all. But someone with some of them
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  feign interest in your mental health to get something from
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  you. You're absolutely, yes, there
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  are some narcissistic people out there that will just be like
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  they're kind, caring and compassionate towards you to get
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  something from you because you're vulnerable.
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  And there's a lot of narcissists out there, y'all, that are
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  absolutely attracted to vulnerability.
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  They absolutely are. They like the fact that you're
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  vulnerable. They like the fact that you
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  like, especially if you reach out to them, they love the fact
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  that you're vulnerable and that you reach out because that
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  empowers them. Let's keep it high and ready.
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  I know, like y'all, I keep it high and ready like a Little
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  Caesar's pizza. So there's a lot of narcissists
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  out there that love the fact that you're going to reach out
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  to them. They love the fact that you're
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  in contact with them. They love it.
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  You know, they absolutely love this type of stuff happening and
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  going down. So before you reach out, ask
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  yourself that question. What are you willing to
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  sacrifice? Because they and what are you
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  gaining kind of feel like you have to do a cost benefit
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  analysis, not just a pros and cons list.
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  You have to do a cross benefit analysis before you reach out
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  and break out, break no contact with them.
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  What is this going to cost you versus what the hell is the
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  benefit? And the cost benefit analysis is
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  a pro pro con list on steroids, testosterone, estrogen, Sarms,
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  TRT. What's the other one?
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  Trim trend, trim bone loan, whatever you call it, that's
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  what that's that's what cost benefit analysis are.
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  They're like, you know, the pros and cons.
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  Let's been in the gym, you know, on a cycle of steroids, You know
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  what I mean? Because that's it's supposed to
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  be deeper. You have to get deep within
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  yourself because as a narcissist, some, some of them
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  might bait you to reach out to you to them.
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  Some of them, they, they want to talk to you, but they want to
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  have the upper hand. So they want you to reach out.
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  They'll ask a friend about you in a subtle way.
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  Not not they won't beg and plead for the friend to call you.
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  Some of them, some of them will. Some of them will absolutely beg
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  and plead for their friend. Can you please tell them to call
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  me? Please Can you tell them I miss
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  them? Some of them will go, Oh, hey,
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  hey, how's, how's so and so doing?
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  Oh, cool. That's, that's fine.
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  I'm just, I'm just asking and that's all it takes to plant
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  that seed and to get to get the ball rolling.
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  You were wondering, you had it in your mind, did they forget
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  about you, to do everything about you?
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  They just proved it. Is it a sign from God that I
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  should reach out to them? No, they're the devil be sending
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  signs too. God is the only one, the guy
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  God. God is the only one with a, with
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  a pea touch and a what's that machine?
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  A cricket, those cricket machines you used to make shirts
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  and stuff like that, make vinyl decals and stuff.
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  Got the devil got one down there too.
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  The devil be sending signs to the devil got a sign shop in
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  hell too, but he sends out signs for you as well.
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  So you have to be wary of the signs.
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  Use your discernment, right? Use discernment, understand?
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  Take your time, go slow with things you don't y'all.
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  You don't have to rush everything.
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  If you have you got time. You don't have to rush
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  everything. Well Lee, I want kids.
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  You don't have to rush any of everything because some people
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  just would rather have no kids than to have a kid with a, with
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  a psychopath that's going to ruin you, make your life a
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  living hell from the moment of conception.
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  That's what happened. That's what you, that's what
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  we're up against right now. So you have to protect yourself,
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  protect your peace, and absolutely protect your womb
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  from the psychopath. I'm just telling you, they will
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  ruin your damn life and they will ruin like narcissism will
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  ruin your life and blame you for reaching out to them.
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  That's what you're going to face.
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  So before you reach out to them, think clear, think carefully.
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  It's like, well, hell no, I ain't.
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  I'm definitely about to reach out because Lee Lee's right.
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  If I reach out to them, they're going to think this is OK.
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  They don't think. They don't think these behaviors
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  are OK. They're going to do this.
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  They're going to do that. Yeah.
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  And that's that's going to you can't talk straight today,
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  y'all? What is wrong with my voice
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  today? They're going to think that
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  everything is fine. So take some time for yourself
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  before you decide to reach out to them.
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  Before, if if you have the survivors itch or you're sad or
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  you're lonely, find I have a support.
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  I have a support group called the Mental Healers.
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  It's available for everybody. Anybody can join it.
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  You can find more information into that at
• 10:43
  courses.mentalillness.net. I mean, it's been scrolling
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  across the screen every few minutes.
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  Anyway, you can find everything about me at mentalillness.net.
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  I do coaching, I do courses, I do, we travel to the country
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  doing workshops and webinars and stuff like that.
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  We have a we have a Zoom webinar coming up about dealing with
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  narcissists during the holidays next Tuesday, November the 26th
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  from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM Eastern Standard Time.
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  You can find more information about that and mental
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  illness.net Yahoo. Make sure you subscribe to the
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  channel if you haven't. Y'all as always, my TuneIn is
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  that peace. Thank you so much for making it
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  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you
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  have no idea. If you haven't already, make
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  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel.
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  Help us reach more people and click on the screen to watch
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  another video or to browse to another playlist.
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  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 11:26
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
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  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.