Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / At what point do I walk away? + An abrupt edning to a relationship, how do I heal?

Transcript

At what point do I walk away? + An abrupt edning to a relationship, how do I heal? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:09
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:13
Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise episode. Now I am
0:16
Speaker 1: listening to your polls, all your comments, everything that you
0:20
Speaker 1: guys had said, and we are doing less head noise episodes,
0:25
Speaker 1: but they are still absolutely going to exist. I'm thinking
0:28
Speaker 1: maybe every second Friday I do a head noise roughly,
0:30
Speaker 1: I don't like, don't fucking quote me on that, because
0:33
Speaker 1: it might be every third, it might be every second.
0:36
Speaker 1: But I hold head noise episodes so dear to my
0:39
Speaker 1: heart and I love them so much. But I am
0:40
Speaker 1: also going to be adding one listener question at the
0:43
Speaker 1: end of every episode as well, so that way it's
0:46
Speaker 1: kind of like the odd school Days. And I had
0:48
Speaker 1: so many of you guys say, bring back the old style,
0:53
Speaker 1: bring back how it was, bring back the OG formatting
0:56
Speaker 1: of like brain fact, body of the podcast and then
1:00
Speaker 1: a listener question at the end. So I will be
1:02
Speaker 1: doing that and I am doing that moving forward. I've
1:03
Speaker 1: done that the last I think two episodes or three,
1:06
Speaker 1: and the feedback has been great, So really happy that
1:09
Speaker 1: you guys are loving the OG format. And for the
1:11
Speaker 1: new listeners. I've had new listeners come through saying I
1:14
Speaker 1: wasn't here for the OG format, but I absolutely love
1:17
Speaker 1: this format, So don't even talk to me about why
1:19
Speaker 1: I changed the format. You know, we make mistakes in life,
1:22
Speaker 1: and we're here for it. Also, I've had some feedback
1:25
Speaker 1: on certain things that I do that irritates people on
1:28
Speaker 1: my podcast. Now I'm not going to say what it
1:29
Speaker 1: is because I feel like, you know, when something's perfectly
1:32
Speaker 1: fine and it doesn't irritate you, and then when someone
1:35
Speaker 1: mentions it, you then can't not notice it and it
1:38
Speaker 1: does your head in. So I'm not going to say
1:39
Speaker 1: what it is. But I have had some feedback on
1:41
Speaker 1: certain things that I do that's annoying, and I fucking agree.
1:44
Speaker 1: So I'm trying to do less of that so I
1:47
Speaker 1: do I can can take feedback. This woman can take
1:50
Speaker 1: feedback when said in a like constructive way, I'm all
1:56
Speaker 1: is and so I kind of agree, and I wish
1:58
Speaker 1: I could tell you what it is, but I just
1:59
Speaker 1: don't want to because I don't want it to like,
2:00
Speaker 1: I don't want more people's gears to be grinding unnecessarily anyway.
2:05
Speaker 1: So if you are someone that watches video podcasts of this,
2:09
Speaker 1: this is not a video podcast. This is an audio podcast.
2:12
Speaker 1: I've put the twins down. I have a pocket. I
2:14
Speaker 1: have a pocket of time, and normally I've got, like,
2:18
Speaker 1: you know, someone at home to help me or whatever.
2:20
Speaker 1: But Tarne's not here, my parents aren't here. So this
2:23
Speaker 1: is it's now whenever, guys now or fucking never. So
2:26
Speaker 1: when not filming, I did not do my glam. This
2:29
Speaker 1: is audio only. Before I get into the voice note
2:33
Speaker 1: head Noise episode, I just wanted to just let you
2:36
Speaker 1: guys know about something really cool And if you guys
2:38
Speaker 1: follow the news, you probably would know if you're in Australia.
2:42
Speaker 1: But New South Wales for those that aren't Australian, the
2:44
Speaker 1: state that I live in in Australia, New South Wales
2:47
Speaker 1: has passed a bill to abolish the good character reference
2:52
Speaker 1: for sexual offenders in court, and I think that should
2:56
Speaker 1: have been done from the get go. But I fucking
2:59
Speaker 1: love that it has been done. And I know that
3:00
Speaker 1: there's many countries that don't have a good character reference
3:03
Speaker 1: allowed for sexual offender cases. I also think that should
3:07
Speaker 1: be extended to domestic violence cases. I'm not sure if
3:11
Speaker 1: that is the case or not, but who gives a
3:13
Speaker 1: flying fuck if your colleagues think you're a fucking good
3:17
Speaker 1: cunt when you're going and raping someone else. I don't
3:20
Speaker 1: give a fuck, Like, what the fuck the idea of
3:24
Speaker 1: a good character reference when it comes to sexual offenders,
3:29
Speaker 1: And like, I understand good character reference for maybe a
3:31
Speaker 1: white collar crime, like maybe you literally had no choice
3:35
Speaker 1: and you were desperate and you had to do something
3:37
Speaker 1: for financial gains and whatever, But there's nothing that would
3:41
Speaker 1: ever be a good enough excuse to say, oh, well,
3:44
Speaker 1: I was just cornered and I had to sexually offend
3:46
Speaker 1: to that person. That is why I believe that that
3:48
Speaker 1: there is no situation in life where there is an
3:51
Speaker 1: actual excuse where you were cornered and you just had
3:54
Speaker 1: no other way out than to sexually assault someone. So
3:57
Speaker 1: the fact that a good character reference used to exist
4:00
Speaker 1: is beyond the scope of my like my ability to
4:05
Speaker 1: even understand. It's crazy but better late than never. Thrilled
4:09
Speaker 1: that that's abolished and just why like wild and imagine
4:13
Speaker 1: being the victim in court hearing these fucking plubs get up,
4:18
Speaker 1: being like, oh they were a fucking good sort, like
4:21
Speaker 1: oh ick eke gross, I just I feel sick to
4:25
Speaker 1: my stomach. Anyway, I just thought I would share that
4:28
Speaker 1: because it's some good news and we love to share
4:32
Speaker 1: some kind of good news. Anyway, let's get into the
4:36
Speaker 1: actual body of the podcast today, and we're doing the Voice,
4:39
Speaker 1: note Head Noise episodes, and these are the titles of
4:42
Speaker 1: the three coming up, just to get you guys enticed
4:44
Speaker 1: and excited. So the first one is at what point
4:46
Speaker 1: do I walk away? I feel like I'm going to
4:48
Speaker 1: be quite qualified to give him an answer on this,
4:50
Speaker 1: because I love teaching people how to like how to
4:53
Speaker 1: know when to quit and leave and say goodbye and feel,
4:56
Speaker 1: you know, maybe not great about it, but feel like
4:59
Speaker 1: it's the right decision. The next one is abrupt ending
5:02
Speaker 1: to a relationship, and the last one is attachment style
5:04
Speaker 1: how to stop protectively detaching. So let's begin with the
5:09
Speaker 1: first one.
5:12
Speaker 2: Hi, I like this longtime listener of the pod, and
5:15
Speaker 2: congratulations on your two little beings. I guess I'm coming
5:18
Speaker 2: on here to seek some of your professional opinions and
5:22
Speaker 2: advice to hopefully find some clarity at the end of
5:25
Speaker 2: this long tunnel. I've been in a relationship with this
5:30
Speaker 2: man for about a year now, and on paper, he
5:33
Speaker 2: is the perfect boyfriend. But from an insider's perspective, and
5:37
Speaker 2: on a deeper level, my emotional needs are not being met.
5:41
Speaker 2: And I've mentioned this to him before that I feel
5:45
Speaker 2: as though I'm competing for quality time with his phone,
5:50
Speaker 2: or that he is not emotionally there, Like he shows
5:53
Speaker 2: up every day and he comes home every day, but
5:56
Speaker 2: just being there isn't enough for me to feel emotionally fulfilled.
6:02
Speaker 2: And you would think that if your partner is coming
6:05
Speaker 2: to you and saying this, that you would do what
6:07
Speaker 2: you can to make it better. No, I feel as
6:12
Speaker 2: though it goes in one ear and out the other,
6:15
Speaker 2: and he just says what he needs to say to
6:18
Speaker 2: get the conversation to end, and then assumes that I
6:20
Speaker 2: don't feel like this one's the conversation's over, And sometimes
6:25
Speaker 2: he says I'm just not wired that way, and I
6:28
Speaker 2: just don't see things the way that you see things.
6:30
Speaker 2: And it's getting to a point where I'm like, Okay,
6:33
Speaker 2: I know that love isn't enough. I've heard you say
6:35
Speaker 2: it a million times, but at what point do I
6:39
Speaker 2: walk away? How many times do I have to ask?
6:44
Speaker 1: Okay, that is thank you so much for sending that through.
6:46
Speaker 1: I feel like many many of the bans will be
6:49
Speaker 1: resonating with a similar thing like this, And we're in
6:52
Speaker 1: an age now where I think it is like an
6:57
Speaker 1: absolute need in a romantic relation to have that emotional
7:03
Speaker 1: deeper level of connection. I think relationships are just evolving
7:07
Speaker 1: and evolving and evolving where individuals female, male, gay, straight,
7:13
Speaker 1: doesn't matter, but individuals are evolving where a need in
7:16
Speaker 1: a relationship is that emotional deeper intimacy. And that is
7:21
Speaker 1: how you grow together, that is how you evolve together.
7:24
Speaker 1: So if you've got one person who isn't quite there
7:28
Speaker 1: and one person who is at the very least, you
7:32
Speaker 1: need to be able to communicate that and say, okay,
7:34
Speaker 1: we both are working towards a common goal. The issue
7:37
Speaker 1: here is that he doesn't seem to acknowledge it as
7:40
Speaker 1: an issue in the first place. And therefore, given that
7:43
Speaker 1: he can't acknowledge it as an issue, doesn't seem to agree,
7:46
Speaker 1: like you said in one ear out the other, then
7:48
Speaker 1: there's no chance in fucking hell that he would be
7:51
Speaker 1: willing to change because it's not an issue for him.
7:54
Speaker 1: He doesn't recognize it as being a problem, and especially
7:59
Speaker 1: and you really know this with so it's just that
8:00
Speaker 1: I'm wired that way. It's whatever that's him saying I'm
8:03
Speaker 1: not willing to change. I will not change. If I say, oh,
8:06
Speaker 1: it's just the way I'm wired, I'm resigning myself to say, well,
8:09
Speaker 1: that's just who I am. Take it or leave it
8:10
Speaker 1: kind of take it or leave it. So you gould
8:13
Speaker 1: ask yourself a whole bunch of questions. Ultimately, obviously only
8:16
Speaker 1: you can make this decision. I can't tell you exactly
8:19
Speaker 1: what you should do. But the more questions you ask yourself,
8:22
Speaker 1: the more clarity you're going to get on the direction
8:24
Speaker 1: that you want to go. So one thing is, if
8:28
Speaker 1: he were to never change ever, is that enough? I
8:32
Speaker 1: think the answer is no, But ask yourself, if he
8:35
Speaker 1: were to never change, is that enough? Could I be
8:38
Speaker 1: fulfilled enough in other eras of this relationship and pulled
8:41
Speaker 1: together every other little bit and that be enough? And
8:44
Speaker 1: I don't think the answer is yes, because otherwise I
8:46
Speaker 1: don't think you would have sent your voice message into me.
8:51
Speaker 1: So knowing that if you would never change, if it
8:54
Speaker 1: wouldn't be enough, then you know that pulling the pin
8:57
Speaker 1: on this behavior is inevitable. Okay, So if you have
9:00
Speaker 1: the answer, no, I absolutely wouldn't stay if I knew
9:02
Speaker 1: he never changed. So we know that breaking up with
9:05
Speaker 1: him is an absolute possibility. So then you've got to
9:08
Speaker 1: look at what are the indications that things could change,
9:12
Speaker 1: because so far he's shown zero. He's also not really
9:15
Speaker 1: acknowledged it as an issue, and then he's kind of
9:17
Speaker 1: been on the defensive saying this is just me, this
9:20
Speaker 1: is just how I'm wired. So then you've got to
9:23
Speaker 1: ask yourself, have I been clear enough? And I'm not
9:26
Speaker 1: saying I don't like the idea of giving an ultimatum
9:29
Speaker 1: in a relationship unless you fucking mean it. Ultimatums should
9:34
Speaker 1: only ever be used if it is your last ditch
9:38
Speaker 1: effort to see if someone is willing to meet you halfway,
9:42
Speaker 1: because maybe they don't realize how serious it's impacting you
9:45
Speaker 1: to the extent where you're willing to leave the relationship.
9:47
Speaker 1: That's the only time you bring in an ultimatum, and
9:50
Speaker 1: it's not as a threat. It's kind of saying I
9:53
Speaker 1: hate to do this, and I don't want to do this,
9:56
Speaker 1: but I cannot be in a relationship where there is
9:59
Speaker 1: no emotional intimacy. I can't. I want to have that
10:03
Speaker 1: with you, but if I can't have that with you,
10:05
Speaker 1: then this cannot go on. So it's not saying if
10:08
Speaker 1: you don't fucking meet me out in the middle, then
10:10
Speaker 1: I'm out. But it's basically saying that, but in a
10:14
Speaker 1: much I feel honest, in a much more honest way.
10:17
Speaker 1: You're talking about it from your perspective. You're saying, I've
10:20
Speaker 1: asked you to do these things, and at the end
10:22
Speaker 1: of the day, I can't make you do them, and
10:24
Speaker 1: if it's not in you or you don't acknowledge it,
10:26
Speaker 1: then we just do not say eye to eye. But
10:29
Speaker 1: I do think it's it's it is good to give
10:33
Speaker 1: your partner that last opportunity that like, well you really
10:37
Speaker 1: put everything on the table, because one thing is saying, listen,
10:42
Speaker 1: do you mind doing this? Do you mind doing that?
10:43
Speaker 1: And they're like, oh, not serious, not serious, not serious.
10:46
Speaker 1: But if he knew that he would lose you and
10:49
Speaker 1: the relationship, do you think he'd be willing to change
10:51
Speaker 1: or do you think he'd be like, well, what a shame,
10:53
Speaker 1: my Kumblev's just taking this so seriously and whatever, Well,
10:56
Speaker 1: it's not meant to be. It's not meant to be, okay,
10:58
Speaker 1: because I just believe that if everything else is good
11:03
Speaker 1: with him, accept this one thing, which is a deal
11:05
Speaker 1: breaker for you, then I would put all the cards
11:07
Speaker 1: on the table if you think you know what. The
11:10
Speaker 1: fact that he doesn't isn't even willing to come to
11:12
Speaker 1: the table, I shouldn't have to ask. I'm kind of out.
11:14
Speaker 1: Then there's your oundsign that's okay too. You might just know,
11:19
Speaker 1: like deep down that given what you've seen, you just
11:24
Speaker 1: don't want to do like the pulling off the plug.
11:25
Speaker 1: And a lot of people stay in a relationship because
11:27
Speaker 1: the thought of being single and starting over and trying
11:30
Speaker 1: again it's daunting. It's fucking daunting. So I understand why
11:33
Speaker 1: a lot of people, you know, think fucking like, where's
11:36
Speaker 1: this going to go? But I think you should, in
11:39
Speaker 1: an honest and really open, emotionally vulnerable way, give that
11:44
Speaker 1: kind of ultimatum. It's kind of saying if things don't change,
11:46
Speaker 1: I cannot continue in this. It's not a threat. I mean,
11:50
Speaker 1: he might want to take it as a threat, take
11:52
Speaker 1: it how you want to take it, but the truth
11:54
Speaker 1: is I can't do this anymore. I cannot do this anymore.
11:58
Speaker 1: So if you don't acknowledge, or if you don't take
12:00
Speaker 1: it seriously, or if we don't see eye to eye,
12:03
Speaker 1: that's fair, But it's not fair for me to stay
12:06
Speaker 1: in a relationship where I know, not only am I
12:09
Speaker 1: not being emotionally fulfilled, but I know it's going to
12:11
Speaker 1: get worse and worse, and I'm just going to resent you.
12:14
Speaker 1: And worse than resenting your partner is resenting yourself for
12:18
Speaker 1: staying when you know you should have maybe left, or
12:20
Speaker 1: staying when you know you should have done something to like,
12:23
Speaker 1: really make sure that you've left every single stone unturned.
12:28
Speaker 1: So that would be my recommendation for you, because you
12:32
Speaker 1: want to know you did everything in your power, and
12:34
Speaker 1: then that's the beauty for it. You do everything in
12:36
Speaker 1: your power, then there's so many things that are not
12:38
Speaker 1: in your power, but you don't have control over that.
12:40
Speaker 1: You don't have control over his actions, but you do
12:42
Speaker 1: have control over what you do with your time and
12:46
Speaker 1: who you choose to spend it with. So ask yourself
12:49
Speaker 1: those questions and hopefully you're able to get closer to
12:52
Speaker 1: an answer. But the biggest question out of all of
12:54
Speaker 1: them is the first question. I asked you if he
12:56
Speaker 1: was to never change, if you had a crystal ball,
12:58
Speaker 1: and I said, you know what, He's never going to change,
13:00
Speaker 1: will never come around ever, ever, ever, If we just knew,
13:04
Speaker 1: what would you do? Because I think if you're equipped
13:08
Speaker 1: enough and ready enough, you'd be like, I'd just pull
13:10
Speaker 1: the pin today. The only thing was then, you know, like,
13:14
Speaker 1: you don't want to stay another week, another six months,
13:17
Speaker 1: another year for what?
13:18
Speaker 2: For what?
13:18
Speaker 1: If you knew it would never change. Your time is
13:21
Speaker 1: the most valuable thing you will ever fucking have, So
13:25
Speaker 1: make sure you use it wisely. And when you know
13:27
Speaker 1: the answer, don't deally dally fucking take the reins of
13:32
Speaker 1: the situation. I was gonna say situationship, well off the
13:35
Speaker 1: situation and yeah, take take control back basically anyway, dunction
13:41
Speaker 1: for sending that in next question.
13:46
Speaker 2: Sense, Hey, Alexis it's a situation. I would love to
13:53
Speaker 2: hear your.
13:54
Speaker 1: Wisdom, hon it.
13:56
Speaker 2: On Newyear's Day, I was very surprisingly, extremely suddenly at
13:59
Speaker 2: a roughly broken up with by the person I thought
14:03
Speaker 2: was the love of my life. Everything was amazing and perfect,
14:06
Speaker 2: and yeah, he just said this isn't working. Sorry, as
14:09
Speaker 2: I was saying goodbye. When I was leaving his house.
14:12
Speaker 2: He had spent Christmas with my family. We'd had a
14:14
Speaker 2: beautiful Christmas.
14:15
Speaker 1: It was amazing.
14:16
Speaker 2: He gave me amazing gifts. He's always been super sweet
14:19
Speaker 2: and kind, and we always said we'd have open communication,
14:21
Speaker 2: which I kept up my end of the bargain there.
14:25
Speaker 1: Unfortunately, I've found.
14:26
Speaker 2: Out that he didn't. And I always said, if you're
14:28
Speaker 2: unhappy with me, please let me know, not always communicate,
14:30
Speaker 2: but he didn't communicate. I was very kind and patient
14:33
Speaker 2: with him if he was ever stressed with work, gave
14:36
Speaker 2: him space when he needed, and gave him all of
14:38
Speaker 2: my love and my heart to him. And then on
14:41
Speaker 2: Newyear's Day, yeah, I was saying goodbye and he just
14:44
Speaker 2: handed me back the keys to my house and said,
14:46
Speaker 2: this isn't working.
14:46
Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
14:47
Speaker 2: Everything was perfect. There were no signs like we were
14:49
Speaker 2: still so in love, still loving with each other, still
14:52
Speaker 2: so affectionate, saying I love you every day, like he
14:56
Speaker 2: even still kissed me on New Year's like on the
14:59
Speaker 2: at midnight. But little did I know we had twelve
15:01
Speaker 2: hours left of our relationship, no conversation, no why or
15:06
Speaker 2: and speak to me when completely cold. I don't know
15:09
Speaker 2: what's going on. Please, I feel like I just can't
15:11
Speaker 2: survive this. Any advice how to move forward is so appreciated.
15:15
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, babe. I have literally been other
15:23
Speaker 1: than the fact that it was on New Year's Eve.
15:25
Speaker 1: I've been in the exact same position as you. The
15:30
Speaker 1: exact same thing happened to me literally ten years ago,
15:34
Speaker 1: and I was in that position where I felt I
15:37
Speaker 1: was drowning. I felt like because I had no answers,
15:41
Speaker 1: both our parents, like we had this beautiful family did
15:44
Speaker 1: in the night before. It was just like soon after
15:46
Speaker 1: New Year's as well, like what the fuck is with
15:48
Speaker 1: these cunts on New Year's Like some weird anyway, it
15:51
Speaker 1: was like everything was perfect, The affection never never dwindled,
15:55
Speaker 1: There were no red flags, and even now when I
15:58
Speaker 1: look back, there was nothing that had really it was
16:00
Speaker 1: just something that was in his head. Okay, So I
16:05
Speaker 1: know what you're going through, and I know that it's
16:08
Speaker 1: like that abandonment pain where you have no answers physically
16:13
Speaker 1: hurts your fucking soul. It's horrible, and I hate that
16:16
Speaker 1: you're going through that because it's not only they've left you,
16:18
Speaker 1: but it's this lack of understanding. It's a lack of communication,
16:22
Speaker 1: and it's like I don't even it feels like I
16:24
Speaker 1: don't even bother to try and fix this with you
16:26
Speaker 1: or try and change it, not of it like just buy.
16:28
Speaker 1: It feels like you're being tossed to the curb and
16:30
Speaker 1: it's just fucked. And I was actually talking to a
16:34
Speaker 1: friend of mine literally yesterday who had gone through the
16:38
Speaker 1: exact same thing. Again, there's like this weird population of
16:42
Speaker 1: fucking clowns out there that are ending relationships in this way. Okay,
16:47
Speaker 1: what I am going to say to you is you
16:52
Speaker 1: cannot control other people. You can't control so many things
16:56
Speaker 1: in your life. And what I don't want you to do,
16:58
Speaker 1: which is where I wasted a lot of my time.
17:00
Speaker 1: And I feel like I took so long to heal,
17:03
Speaker 1: like literally like over a year, a year and a half.
17:07
Speaker 1: Probably it was me wanting closure, wanting an answer, trying
17:13
Speaker 1: to pull it apart, trying to dissect what went wrong
17:17
Speaker 1: and why and this and that and whatever. Don't do
17:20
Speaker 1: not do that to yourself, because as much as you
17:23
Speaker 1: think that you know someone, sometimes we just don't. Because
17:28
Speaker 1: you could say, oh, but I knew him so well,
17:30
Speaker 1: but there's always a side of someone that maybe you
17:34
Speaker 1: just don't know. And for me, it was hard to
17:37
Speaker 1: come to admit that. So I refused to face that.
17:39
Speaker 1: I refused to admit it, and I thought, no, it's
17:41
Speaker 1: just a lapse in judgment and he'll come back. Instead
17:44
Speaker 1: of acknowledging the situation for what it was, that there
17:47
Speaker 1: was a side of him that I never knew he
17:50
Speaker 1: was going through. And your partner has been going through
17:54
Speaker 1: this whole breakup in his head without having the courtesy
17:59
Speaker 1: of commit unicating to you that he wasn't feeling like
18:03
Speaker 1: this relationship was heading in the direction that he felt
18:06
Speaker 1: it needed to be heading in whatever the fuck, whatever
18:09
Speaker 1: the fuck his needs were, he wasn't communicating the cross saying,
18:12
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, my needs in this relationship are not
18:16
Speaker 1: being met. Everyone's got needs in a relationship, and when
18:20
Speaker 1: they're being met, and when they like the person, they
18:23
Speaker 1: stay and it flourishes and it grows. But there was
18:27
Speaker 1: something going on in him that he thought, not only
18:31
Speaker 1: am I not having my needs met whatever the fuck
18:33
Speaker 1: those needs are, but I'm also not going to tell
18:36
Speaker 1: her about it. This wasn't a decision that happened overnight.
18:39
Speaker 1: He's thought about this for a while. I'm not saying us.
18:42
Speaker 1: I'm saying, like months, Okay, you do not end a
18:47
Speaker 1: serious relationship out of thin air, because when you come
18:53
Speaker 1: up to when you come to that conclusion, it's because
18:55
Speaker 1: you've gone back and forth and back and forth and
18:57
Speaker 1: thought and maybe I'll try and make it work, maybe
18:59
Speaker 1: this may be that, and that whole fucking time, he
19:05
Speaker 1: never raised it with you. Okay, so you have to
19:09
Speaker 1: remind yourself that as as much as you think, well, like,
19:13
Speaker 1: but how, how and why and how and why? Unfortunately
19:18
Speaker 1: he was going through this whole process of that relationship
19:21
Speaker 1: breakdown alone in his head. He never gave you the
19:24
Speaker 1: chance to remedy it because he didn't want you to.
19:28
Speaker 1: He didn't want you to try and remedy it. He
19:30
Speaker 1: wanted to get to the point where he was ready
19:32
Speaker 1: enough to leave without the chance of like, but maybe
19:35
Speaker 1: we'll remedy it. Maybe you know, I'm going to make
19:37
Speaker 1: it feel bad or this or that or maybe this
19:39
Speaker 1: or maybe that, or maybe I'll feel bad and then
19:41
Speaker 1: I go back or whatever. So it's so fucked to hear,
19:45
Speaker 1: but we have to hear it. They just didn't have
19:50
Speaker 1: their needs. You weren't meeting his needs, and sometimes you
19:55
Speaker 1: can never because you're just not aligned as individuals. And
19:58
Speaker 1: it feels like, oh, but it it was, but it
20:00
Speaker 1: was perfect. It was whatever. We don't know what was
20:02
Speaker 1: going on in their head, okay, and we can call
20:04
Speaker 1: them an asshole. They could have been a good person
20:07
Speaker 1: who cares, Who cares what character they had. At the
20:10
Speaker 1: end of the day, they didn't want to be with you,
20:13
Speaker 1: and that is the most painful part about it. But
20:15
Speaker 1: once you can acknowledge they didn't want to be with me,
20:19
Speaker 1: they did not want a future with me, then you
20:23
Speaker 1: can start to wrap your head around what makes a
20:26
Speaker 1: good partner. Because you can sit here and be devastated
20:30
Speaker 1: and sad, and rightly so, especially as you're processing these
20:33
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions. It's like, of course you're going to
20:35
Speaker 1: be and they're real feelings and you need to honor
20:38
Speaker 1: them and feel them. But then at what point are
20:41
Speaker 1: you going to start telling yourself, you know what, someone's
20:44
Speaker 1: only the actual love of my life if they love
20:47
Speaker 1: me back. Otherwise they're not the love of my life.
20:51
Speaker 1: I can love them deeply, I can have had like
20:54
Speaker 1: a crazy good few years with them, But if they
20:57
Speaker 1: don't love me back, if they don't respect me in
21:00
Speaker 1: a way where they want to work through it, I
21:03
Speaker 1: don't even know if respect is the right word. But
21:05
Speaker 1: if they don't even want the possibility of working through it,
21:10
Speaker 1: that is all the answer you're ever going to need.
21:12
Speaker 1: You don't need any more information. Sometimes people are in
21:16
Speaker 1: your life for a short period of time, for a
21:18
Speaker 1: couple of years or a couple of months, and that's it,
21:21
Speaker 1: and hopefully you can learn from it and take something
21:24
Speaker 1: from it. But what I don't want you to do
21:25
Speaker 1: is sit there wallowing, thinking you're never going to recover.
21:29
Speaker 1: One of the things that I hated the most when
21:30
Speaker 1: I went through that crazy heartbreak is people saying to me,
21:34
Speaker 1: you'll get over it, you'll get better. And I used
21:36
Speaker 1: to think, you don't understand the pain I'm in. You
21:38
Speaker 1: obviously don't, because if you think I'll get over it,
21:40
Speaker 1: I'm never going to get over it. And I would
21:41
Speaker 1: just be like, I just want him to come back.
21:43
Speaker 1: That's all I want. Like that was the state that
21:44
Speaker 1: I was in. But instead what I should have been
21:48
Speaker 1: doing is that should have been telling myself the really
21:51
Speaker 1: hard shit I didn't want to hear. I should have
21:53
Speaker 1: been burning that bridge between me and him and thinking
21:57
Speaker 1: it will never come back, and I should have started
21:59
Speaker 1: being hinder to myself and my time and thinking, you
22:02
Speaker 1: know what, I need to start grieving and healing now.
22:06
Speaker 1: I need to know that it's over, and I don't
22:09
Speaker 1: need closure from him. I don't want you to ever
22:13
Speaker 1: think I just wish I had an answer. I just
22:16
Speaker 1: wish the answer is he didn't want a future with you.
22:19
Speaker 1: It fucking sucks that he didn't want to discuss that
22:23
Speaker 1: with you and work through it. But that's the conclusion
22:26
Speaker 1: he came to. And at the end of the day,
22:28
Speaker 1: no matter how much we love someone, we're not inside
22:30
Speaker 1: their head. We don't know how they're operating, we don't
22:32
Speaker 1: know how they came to that conclusion. But he came
22:34
Speaker 1: to that conclusion, and he did it in a way
22:36
Speaker 1: where you wouldn't have the opportunity to fight for it,
22:38
Speaker 1: which means that he was sure so bond fucking voyage,
22:43
Speaker 1: motherfucker like peace and fucking blessings for your future. But
22:47
Speaker 1: I need to step the fuck away from this. I
22:50
Speaker 1: need to draw a fucking line in the sand, and
22:52
Speaker 1: I need to tell myself it is done, it is over,
22:55
Speaker 1: and then you begin to heal. So it's not about
22:57
Speaker 1: suppressing your emotions or not feeling it, but make make
23:00
Speaker 1: sure that all your emotions are about the fact that
23:02
Speaker 1: you're grieving it, not I want closure, I want hope,
23:05
Speaker 1: that he'll come back, or maybe he'll be this, or
23:07
Speaker 1: maybe that you need to kill hope dead dead in
23:10
Speaker 1: the water, dead dead dead, kill it dead. Okay. That's
23:13
Speaker 1: when I talk about hope is a weak dog. It's
23:16
Speaker 1: in reference. It's not something saying, ah, you should never
23:18
Speaker 1: hope for anything. It's specifically in reference for our exes.
23:22
Speaker 1: If you waste your valuable time on this earth hoping
23:25
Speaker 1: that someone who left you will come back, that's weak dog. Okay,
23:31
Speaker 1: you are better than that, and you'll start to rebuild.
23:34
Speaker 1: You'll start to rebuild. You'll start to rebuild. What I
23:37
Speaker 1: do recommend that you do is create new experiences for yourself.
23:42
Speaker 1: When you start to create new experiences for yourself, whether
23:44
Speaker 1: it be like something radical like big travel or moving somewhere,
23:49
Speaker 1: or whether it be a complete change in routine or
23:51
Speaker 1: adopting a brand new hobby, or it could be a
23:55
Speaker 1: million different things, but new experiences start to create a
23:58
Speaker 1: distance between the person and you were with when you
24:00
Speaker 1: were with him, and who you are now. When someone
24:03
Speaker 1: lives your life, they leave a void, and if you
24:06
Speaker 1: replace that void with just thinking about them, it's so
24:09
Speaker 1: painful for so much longer. Use that void and think
24:14
Speaker 1: what can I do to be really kind to me
24:17
Speaker 1: and my future? What can I feel it with It's
24:20
Speaker 1: really enriching for me, And you start to slowly fill
24:24
Speaker 1: that void with things that feel nice and feel good,
24:26
Speaker 1: with social outings, with people that actually want to hang
24:30
Speaker 1: out with you, people that actually love your company. You
24:33
Speaker 1: start feeling loved, you start feeling like really valuable, and
24:39
Speaker 1: you start to heal. Okay, so that would be my advice.
24:42
Speaker 1: I know exactly what you've gone through, and it was
24:45
Speaker 1: like a fucking dagger to the heart. But honestly, it
24:51
Speaker 1: was the best thing that ever happened to me, the
24:53
Speaker 1: best in hindsight, and it didn't take me ten years
24:56
Speaker 1: to realize that. It took me like two years to
24:57
Speaker 1: realize that. Okay, I got over it after like a
25:00
Speaker 1: year year and a half. But then I felt really
25:02
Speaker 1: revitalized about the whole thing ending and where my life
25:05
Speaker 1: was headed. And it was the fork in the fucking road,
25:07
Speaker 1: and I started creating experiences for myself that I could
25:11
Speaker 1: have never had if we had stayed together. And I
25:13
Speaker 1: did that on purpose. I said, well, given that we're
25:15
Speaker 1: not together, what's something I would have never done? Moved
25:18
Speaker 1: to France, didn't. I fucking moved to France. I would
25:21
Speaker 1: have never done that if we were together. So things
25:23
Speaker 1: like that you start to say, you know what, I've
25:26
Speaker 1: given myself a life that I just could have never
25:28
Speaker 1: given myself if we were together. Then you look back
25:31
Speaker 1: and you think, thank fuck for that. Thank fuck he
25:35
Speaker 1: left me. It doesn't feel like it now, but I
25:37
Speaker 1: can guarantee if you do the right things for yourself,
25:39
Speaker 1: if you start doing kind things for yourself, if you
25:41
Speaker 1: start filling the void with things that are going to
25:44
Speaker 1: help you grow and blossom and be happy, you will
25:47
Speaker 1: look back and say, wow, that was a fucking testing
25:50
Speaker 1: time in my life, but look at the person I
25:53
Speaker 1: became because of that fork in the road. All Right,
25:56
Speaker 1: thank you so much for sending that in. I fucking
25:59
Speaker 1: feel your pain, but I'm excited for your future. All right.
26:02
Speaker 3: Last one, high Alexis. I love your podcast. It has
26:07
Speaker 3: been extremely monumental for me and a cornerstone of my
26:15
Speaker 3: self help and self love journey. And for that, like,
26:18
Speaker 3: I really appreciate you and everything that you do. I
26:21
Speaker 3: have a question about protective detachment. So for a little background,
26:26
Speaker 3: I have an anxious attachment style and I struggle with
26:29
Speaker 3: the fear of abandonment and I struggle with trusting myself,
26:32
Speaker 3: which is something I'm currently working on now. But it
26:35
Speaker 3: impacted my last relationship to the point where my partner
26:39
Speaker 3: and I broke up. The end of our relationship was
26:43
Speaker 3: really rough. There was no communication, there was no there
26:47
Speaker 3: was no feeling of love.
26:48
Speaker 1: It felt like we were roommates.
26:50
Speaker 3: And when I felt that feeling of uncertainty and instability
26:54
Speaker 3: in the relationship, it caused me to protectively detach entirely
27:00
Speaker 3: my partner. No emotions, no feeling, no remorse, no nothing,
27:04
Speaker 3: and I could not control it. No matter what I
27:06
Speaker 3: told myself, no matter how I reasoned it, nothing worked,
27:10
Speaker 3: and I just couldn't go back after it started, and
27:13
Speaker 3: it ended up ruining our relationship. I ended up self
27:16
Speaker 3: sabotaging our relationship because I was so afraid of being
27:19
Speaker 3: left and I'm so detached from this person.
27:22
Speaker 1: So I'm struggling to heal that.
27:24
Speaker 4: And I want to know if you have any tips
27:26
Speaker 4: for how to stop protectively detaching from people and kind
27:31
Speaker 4: of how to fix emotional like my fear of abandonment.
27:35
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you so much for sending that question in Yeah,
27:39
Speaker 1: this is really really hard because it's kind of like,
27:42
Speaker 1: I don't know if paradox is the word, but it's like,
27:44
Speaker 1: in order to protect yourself, you end up hurting yourself
27:49
Speaker 1: more right, like this this attachment style where you then
27:54
Speaker 1: start like you're protecting yourself. You're pushing people away, you're detaching, detaching,
27:57
Speaker 1: you're cutting off. You're cutting off because you're saying, I
28:00
Speaker 1: can't have them hurt me. You're telling yourself ultimately, and
28:05
Speaker 1: obviously this is not intentional, it's not what you want
28:07
Speaker 1: to but this is you know how these attachment starts form.
28:11
Speaker 1: You're telling yourself, I wouldn't be able to cope if
28:16
Speaker 1: you hurt me, and if you left me, I wouldn't
28:18
Speaker 1: be able to cope. So therefore I need to take
28:20
Speaker 1: control of this situation. And that's what a lot of
28:23
Speaker 1: attachment comes down to. It's how you control an emotional situation.
28:28
Speaker 1: When you feel in control of yourself and your own emotions,
28:31
Speaker 1: and you feel like trusting of other people in general,
28:35
Speaker 1: not every person on earth. Obviously you know that some
28:37
Speaker 1: can some can't be trusted, but when you have a
28:39
Speaker 1: general trust, when you generally feel that people are safe,
28:43
Speaker 1: but more so when you feel that you are of
28:46
Speaker 1: safe space that even if you get hurt, you're still okay,
28:48
Speaker 1: you will survive your whatever that control over your circumstances,
28:53
Speaker 1: you know that you could control it somehow, Then you're
28:56
Speaker 1: less likely to push people away when you're worried that
28:59
Speaker 1: they're going to you. And then on the flip side,
29:01
Speaker 1: if you feel I need to control this situation, I
29:05
Speaker 1: need to control how other people treat me. That you're
29:08
Speaker 1: not allowing yourself to be vulnerable to be hurt. You're
29:14
Speaker 1: not allowing yourself to see that if you did get hurt,
29:17
Speaker 1: you could start to piece things back together and heal yourself.
29:22
Speaker 1: And a lot of this comes down from maybe in
29:25
Speaker 1: you know how you were brought up. I mean, most
29:27
Speaker 1: attachment styles, most of them are formed due to our upbringing,
29:32
Speaker 1: but sometimes they can change through really traumatic relationships in life.
29:36
Speaker 1: And you know there's many far I'm not going to
29:37
Speaker 1: go into the ins and outs of it, but basically
29:41
Speaker 1: things happen to you, whether then you think that was
29:44
Speaker 1: so horrible or there was no repair or there was
29:46
Speaker 1: nothing and I can't ever go through that again. So
29:47
Speaker 1: therefore the wall is up. Okay, So I guess you
29:51
Speaker 1: have to look at how have you processed healing in
29:53
Speaker 1: the past, What are you doing to process your own healing,
29:56
Speaker 1: and what are you doing to tell yourself that you're
29:59
Speaker 1: you would be able to to survive or you wouldn't
30:01
Speaker 1: be able to survive it. Because the issue here is
30:03
Speaker 1: that if you maintain this this thing of pushing people away,
30:08
Speaker 1: you end up hurting yourself so much more because you
30:11
Speaker 1: forego ever having a really close, committed relationship. Now it's
30:15
Speaker 1: hard to in and I mean definitely go to listen
30:17
Speaker 1: to my episode about attachment styles and all of that,
30:19
Speaker 1: but in a nutshell, one of the best things that
30:23
Speaker 1: you can do is to speak to your partner about
30:26
Speaker 1: this attachment style early on in the relationship. Okay, you
30:31
Speaker 1: tell them the reason you are pushing people away is
30:35
Speaker 1: because you've got this deep seated kind of thing, even
30:38
Speaker 1: though you might not acknowledge it, but it's I can't
30:42
Speaker 1: be hurt. And the reason you tell yourself you can't
30:44
Speaker 1: be hurt is because you think you can't cope. Like
30:47
Speaker 1: you know, I think a lot of us can relate that.
30:50
Speaker 1: Maybe when you go through your first heartbreak, you think,
30:52
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna let myself get heartbreakken again. I'm never
30:55
Speaker 1: never never never never. But then you heal and then
30:58
Speaker 1: you think, well, I do heal and while that was fucked,
31:02
Speaker 1: I am ready to love again and yeah, okay, okay,
31:04
Speaker 1: and then you let your walls down and whatever. So
31:06
Speaker 1: that's kind of like, you know, if you've got like that,
31:08
Speaker 1: that relatively secure attachment style, that's kind of how you
31:12
Speaker 1: may feel. What you don't want to do is maintain
31:16
Speaker 1: that emotion of like I will never ever, ever, ever
31:18
Speaker 1: ever Okay. If you allow yourself to rebuild after you
31:21
Speaker 1: go through emotional hardship, and especially if you're the one
31:24
Speaker 1: that rebuilds yourself and you're not like leaping into a
31:26
Speaker 1: new relationship or a new you know, situationship or whatever,
31:29
Speaker 1: then you start to trust yourself. You start to trust
31:31
Speaker 1: your ability to heal yourself, you know, to overcome adversity
31:36
Speaker 1: and things like that. But I think for you, this
31:39
Speaker 1: needs to be communicated with your partner when they start
31:43
Speaker 1: to notice that your walls are up. If you've communicated
31:46
Speaker 1: this saying this is my defense mechanism, I don't want
31:49
Speaker 1: it to be and I want us to be a
31:50
Speaker 1: team and I want us to be able to work
31:52
Speaker 1: through this. But when I start putting my walls up.
31:54
Speaker 1: It's because I feel like this relationship is not heading
31:57
Speaker 1: in the direction it needs to be headed. I'm starting
31:59
Speaker 1: to feel threat my and once I feel threatened, bang,
32:02
Speaker 1: the wall's going to go up. If you felt safe
32:06
Speaker 1: and that the relationship was heading in the direction that
32:09
Speaker 1: it needed to be heading in, you would likely start
32:12
Speaker 1: to be able to pull your walls down, especially if
32:14
Speaker 1: your partner was able to see and detect these behaviors
32:18
Speaker 1: in you and intercept them sooner. So it's not to
32:20
Speaker 1: say that your ex was the right person for you
32:23
Speaker 1: or the wrong person for you. I don't know. I
32:25
Speaker 1: don't have insight into your ex at all, but I
32:27
Speaker 1: think for almost any issue in a relationship, communication is
32:32
Speaker 1: the key. Most of the things that break down a
32:34
Speaker 1: relationship is due to a lack of communication. How well
32:37
Speaker 1: did he know this about you? How did he interpret
32:40
Speaker 1: you bringing your walls up and shutting him out?
32:43
Speaker 2: Like?
32:44
Speaker 1: What did that look like? And do you think it
32:46
Speaker 1: could have played out differently if he knew exactly what
32:49
Speaker 1: your trigger points were? And when you would start to
32:52
Speaker 1: kind of like ice him out for the relationship? You know,
32:54
Speaker 1: because like you said, once you start going down that
32:57
Speaker 1: path and once you start picking up momentum, it is
32:58
Speaker 1: very hard to turn that around. It's very hard to
33:00
Speaker 1: turn that around because of the narratives you're telling yourself.
33:02
Speaker 1: You're like, this is your defense mechanism. There's nothing stronger
33:06
Speaker 1: than the need to protect yourself. So once you go
33:09
Speaker 1: down that path, it's hard to be like, oh, it's nothing,
33:11
Speaker 1: I'm not at threat. If your body was like I'm
33:12
Speaker 1: fucking threatened, then walls up. I've got to push him out, right.
33:20
Speaker 1: So I think that while looking into obviously like you
33:23
Speaker 1: already know a lot. You've got a lot of self
33:24
Speaker 1: awareness already, I can tell. So while you're looking into
33:28
Speaker 1: everything about attachment styles and how you heal yourself, and
33:31
Speaker 1: the more you heal yourself, the more you're able to
33:34
Speaker 1: trust in your ability to overcome these emotional hardships because
33:37
Speaker 1: you have. You've got to look at your past and
33:39
Speaker 1: look at all the emotional hardships that you have overcome.
33:42
Speaker 1: You're telling yourself, I wouldn't be able to cope, But
33:44
Speaker 1: you have coped in the past. But that's not where
33:47
Speaker 1: your focus is. Maybe it's been really awful, but you
33:50
Speaker 1: have coped. How are you recovering from that? How are
33:53
Speaker 1: you dealing with it. How are you healing that really
33:55
Speaker 1: helps reshape your attachment styles, So that number one and
33:59
Speaker 1: number to communication, Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's a journey that
34:04
Speaker 1: you're on when you're trying to heal your attachment style.
34:09
Speaker 1: It's a fucking journey that you're on. And it's not
34:11
Speaker 1: the funnest journey in the world because logically you know
34:14
Speaker 1: what will help, but emotionally you're like reacting left, right,
34:18
Speaker 1: and center quite sporadically. So I fully understand that it
34:22
Speaker 1: can be so like a very bumpy ride. But doing
34:27
Speaker 1: the two things, I can guarantee you'll start to see differences.
34:30
Speaker 1: But communicate. And I'm not saying go back to your
34:32
Speaker 1: exit and communicate it. But in future all relationships you
34:35
Speaker 1: want to have that like on the table, you want
34:38
Speaker 1: to be able to explain this is kind of where
34:41
Speaker 1: I'm at and this is the kind of change that
34:43
Speaker 1: I would like to have. So hopefully that helped. When
34:46
Speaker 1: it comes to attachment styles, obviously it's so layered and
34:49
Speaker 1: so there's so much more to it than just this
34:51
Speaker 1: like short response that I've given you. But hopefully that
34:54
Speaker 1: did help, And thank you so much for your beautiful
34:56
Speaker 1: kind words at the start that I really value that
34:59
Speaker 1: so much. Guys, thank you so much for listening to
35:02
Speaker 1: today's episode. I love love your questions, so keep them coming.
35:08
Speaker 1: I so we've got the email. You can send the
35:11
Speaker 1: written ones into info at dwifempod dot com. And if
35:15
Speaker 1: you want to send in a voice message because I
35:17
Speaker 1: love to hear your voices and your beautiful accents from
35:20
Speaker 1: around the world, then go to www dot dwifimpod dot
35:24
Speaker 1: com and you can submit your voice note to there
35:27
Speaker 1: just in the menu drop down menu. Amazing. Guys, Thank
35:30
Speaker 1: you so much, love you so much, and I will
35:32
Speaker 1: chat to you in the next episode. As always, remember
35:35
Speaker 1: be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't
35:37
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
35:41
Speaker 1: Dunker