Latest / The Eye Believe Podcast / My 15 years: Episode 16: The Relationships That Stay — and the Ones That Don’t

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My 15 years: Episode 16: The Relationships That Stay — and the Ones That Don’t · The Eye Believe Podcast

0:05
hey everyone
0:05
welcome back to the Eye Believe Podcast
0:08
this is another episode of melody's fifteen years
0:10
this is episode sixteen i'm your host megan
0:13
welcome to our special guest melody
0:17
thank you
0:19
alright
0:19
today we're gonna talk about relationships that stayed
0:24
and relationships that didn't stay
0:26
whether it be dating husbands friendships
0:32
work people so let's start with um
0:38
what kind of differences did you notice
0:41
after your diagnosis in the relationships
0:44
kind of just as a as a general
0:49
pattern
0:51
avoidance people avoided me because it was scary
0:58
they didn't like it um
1:01
i was a member of a leads group uh
1:04
for our landscaping company that we had
1:07
and a a gentleman's wife had gotten
1:12
had broken her hip
1:14
they did this big fundraiser for them
1:16
cause they didn't have any insurance
1:18
a huge huge fundraiser
1:21
and people contributed and it was great
1:24
and they helped him out and they were great
1:26
they were appreciative and it was wonderful
1:28
i got ocular melanoma we didn't have any insurance
1:32
i went to i had my plaque radiation
1:36
went back to work i went to the leads group meeting
1:38
had an eye patch on my eye
1:40
and i people were so disappointed
1:44
because they thought it was a joke
1:47
they thought i was going to talk about some pirate
1:51
landscaping something
1:53
and when they didn't get the landscaping
1:55
pirate joke that they thought was coming
1:59
they were a little bit taken aback by that
2:02
and they went they said oh
2:03
we thought you were joking
2:05
it's like no
2:05
i had radiation in my eye
2:08
and i have to wear this eye patch
2:09
because i got double vision
2:10
and i don't see really well
2:12
and my eye looks really bad
2:13
cause it was all red and bloodshot and gross
2:18
and the look of terror on people's faces when you say
2:23
i had eye cancer they put radiation on my eye
2:27
they're backing away like
2:28
oh my god
2:31
and these are people that i'd worked with
2:33
i'd seen them every tuesday morning
2:36
for probably three years
2:39
every tuesday morning we get together
2:41
we have this leads group meeting
2:42
lasted an hour we joked and had fun
2:45
and everybody had took a turn
2:47
once a week somebody else would be the speaker
2:50
we knew each other very intimately
2:53
and i can tell you today
2:55
i do not talk to any of those people
2:58
and i will tell you that
3:01
probably six months after my diagnosis
3:04
i stopped talking to most of those people
3:06
it wasn't because it's what i wanted
3:09
it was because i was terrifying to them
3:13
had i had another cancer i probably wouldn't have
3:17
um when i told them we did not have insurance
3:20
and i was trying to figure things out
3:21
this one very nice lady helped me with
3:24
figure out that process
3:25
and get us on insurance and fix our problems
3:29
nobody offered to do a fundraiser for us nobody
3:34
and i was hurt and i was very offended by that
3:37
and not that i wanted i
3:39
i didn't expect it but i thought here
3:42
going back to last episode
3:43
why not me why did you not choose me
3:48
and and i think that's a big thing
3:50
is when you have cancer
3:52
people that you thought were your friends
3:54
were probably just an acquaintance
3:56
and they really weren't your friend
3:57
and you became too scary for them
4:01
you brought something into their life
4:05
that they didn't want to look at
4:07
and you represented something
4:08
they didn't want to deal with
4:10
and at that time i thought i was dying
4:13
so i was the poster child of
4:15
oh my god
4:16
i'm dying i have
4:18
i have two to five years to live
4:20
with this nasty eye cancer
4:21
who would wanna be my friend
4:24
i didn't wanna be my own friend
4:26
so
4:29
relationships changed because of that
4:33
yeah that's hard
4:35
so that was um
4:38
a lot of people that you consider to be friends
4:40
not just acquaintances you know
4:42
i'm i yeah
4:44
you get to know people very well
4:46
when you're in those kind of groups
4:48
what about like
4:49
neighbors or um
4:52
people that were near nearby
4:57
well we had a really yeah
4:58
i lived in a really great neighborhood
5:00
we had a cul de sac and i had
5:01
what i thought were really good neighbor friends
5:04
um
5:05
don't ever talk to any of them anymore either
5:08
um
5:09
it was really kind of scary in my neighborhood
5:11
because the same time i was diagnosed
5:14
there was a gentleman
5:15
that was diagnosed with brain cancer
5:17
and another gentleman that had brain cancer
5:19
and another person had a weird blood cancer
5:23
so there's a lot of cancers popping up in our community
5:26
so i think that kind of helped
5:27
also do the ooh
5:29
back up back up
5:31
um but my wonderful friend lucy
5:33
still my friend she was my friend before
5:35
during and after
5:36
so um
5:37
thank you lucy
5:38
for hanging with me um
5:40
but just about anybody else
5:42
that was my north carolina friends
5:46
i have no idea where they are
5:47
i haven't talked to them in years because i was
5:50
it was too scary
5:55
yeah that makes sense
5:57
so as you moved forward
6:00
what was it like to make new friendships
6:03
after your diagnosis
6:04
did you feel like you had to tell people right away
6:06
or did you wait to tell people
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i told everybody and anybody that would listen
6:13
big mistake don't do that
6:15
people don't care they don't wanna know
6:18
they really do not want to know
6:20
and if you go and you lead with that
6:22
they're gonna be like ooh
6:24
they see
6:26
they see you sucking the life out of them
6:29
they can feel it just going right to you
6:32
because it's big it's huge
6:34
people don't know how to deal with it
6:36
they've had friends with cancer
6:37
they've had friends that have died
6:38
they have friends that haven't died
6:40
the first thing they're gonna do
6:41
is offer you advice that you're not gonna want
6:44
and then you get this resentment built up
6:45
because they don't understand your cancer
6:48
and that doesn't work for you
6:50
and it becomes it becomes an issue
6:53
so i learned early on to not live with cancer
6:56
cause
6:56
that's probably not what people wanna know about you
6:58
they wanna know who you are as a person
7:00
not what your disease set is
7:03
yeah that makes sense
7:04
and then what about like more personal relationships
7:08
like maybe family members or um
7:12
long long time friends
7:14
people that were you felt cemented to you
7:18
i have one person
7:19
a friend that i felt was cemented to me
7:22
since we were ten laura
7:23
and she's still my friend
7:25
we've been best friends since we were ten
7:28
she stuck by me through it all
7:31
other relationships
7:32
not so much um
7:35
like you know
7:36
we've talked before created big problems in my marriage
7:39
um
7:40
he didn't like i was getting attention
7:42
he didn't he didn't want
7:45
he didn't want to deal with it
7:46
it was too much it was too big
7:48
you know the old the saying
7:51
he said i'd rather divorce you now than bury you later
7:54
was too much for him to handle
7:55
and looking back our marriage was not a great wonderful
7:59
stable marriage we hadn't been married a long time
8:02
we'd only been married a few years
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i could handle things a little bit differently um
8:06
he was a difficult person to
8:08
to deal with
8:11
um but he couldn't take on my cancer
8:16
he didn't have the capacity
8:18
and while people have made terrible comments about him
8:22
you know everybody has a level that they can handle
8:26
and a level that they can't
8:28
and i think one of the things that we do wrong
8:31
is we push the level
8:34
of understanding care
8:38
onto people that they are not willing to accept
8:42
um this is your journey
8:45
this is your cancer
8:46
you don't have to tell the world about it
8:48
you don't have to tell everybody you meet about it
8:51
and please do not put it on them
8:54
they didn't ask for it
8:55
they've got their own trials and their own lives
8:58
with their own heartaches and their own hurdles
9:01
they don't need yours
9:04
and i know that sounds hard now
9:07
but i'm look i
9:08
and i have the
9:10
i have the grace to be able to look back and say
9:12
this is all the stuff i did wrong
9:14
don't do it
9:16
but that's one of the things i think that we do
9:19
is we just put it out to anybody who will take it
9:21
and listen and then we complain
9:23
all my friends are gone nobody cares about me anymore
9:26
well you kind of ran them all off
9:28
most likely you know
9:30
there's some that are just gonna scatter
9:31
because they weren't great friends anyway
9:33
and they don't want to be near you because they don't
9:35
it's too scary
9:37
but the other ones you probably kind of ran them off
9:42
yeah and
9:43
and it's a it's a hard thing to look at
9:44
but i'm sure i ran off a lot of people
9:49
and i and i feel bad about it because i didn't
9:53
that wasn't my intent
9:55
but you're right it is a big
9:57
scary thing and
9:58
you know
10:00
i think the people who do show up for you
10:03
you know you
10:04
you really
10:05
probably develop a huge sense of appreciation for them
10:11
do you feel like that made your
10:12
a relationship that you had with them stronger
10:17
um i'm not gonna say it made it stronger necessarily
10:22
because there were i don't think it hurt it
10:25
i don't think that it really
10:27
i think that
10:28
people that you have those strong relationships with
10:31
nothing's gonna shake that foundation
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and you can share
10:34
back and forth the trials that you go through
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you know both of my good friends
10:40
outside of ocular melanoma
10:41
we've shared a lot of trials
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that we both have gone through
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um maybe not an exact thing
10:49
but divorce
10:51
serious illness
10:54
issues with children you know those
10:55
those things you just kind of pass back and forth
10:57
because you're friends and you have a sturdy foundation
11:03
but i also think that
11:04
those friends aren't afraid to tell me
11:06
get over yourself
11:09
enough i don't want to hear about it anymore
11:12
um i think that's a
11:14
a reasonable thing for a friend to tell you
11:18
and i had to have those conversations
11:20
and it was ok
11:21
it hurt at the time it's like
11:24
but i'm dying no
11:26
you're not stop it
11:29
and so some people now think that i'm cold
11:31
because i'll say things like that
11:33
but you're not dying today
11:35
you know
11:36
it's not because i don't care and i'm not empathetic
11:40
but don't go down that rabbit hole
11:43
it's a bad one it's hard to climb out of
11:46
hard hard hard
11:47
don't push your cancer off on your
11:50
on your people
11:52
cherish them
11:52
treat them like you would want to be treated
11:54
treat them like like they're
11:56
they're just they're breakable
11:58
and by all means don't break them
12:01
too many i've watched too many marriages
12:04
and because of this
12:05
there's a few marriages i've watched get stronger
12:08
but a lot of marriages have suffered
12:09
because of ocular melanoma
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on both sides
12:12
because the patient puts too much on their
12:15
significant other just remember
12:17
your friends your family members
12:19
they did not ask for this
12:21
don't give it to them without their permission
12:24
ask first before you
12:29
i'm gonna use a terrible expression
12:31
but word vomit on them we do that a lot
12:33
we just
12:35
and they're like whoa
12:36
too much too much
12:37
too much too much
12:38
and then they when they see you coming
12:40
they're gonna go the other way
12:41
and it it happens
12:42
and i i know that first hand because it happens
12:46
and even my ocular melanoma friends sometimes
12:49
we don't even talk about ocular melanoma
12:52
i mean Zsa Zsa and i've been friends since
12:55
i don't know two thousand and fifteen
12:56
i think and we talk on the phone
12:58
we don't even bring up ocular melanoma
13:01
we talk about our crafts our projects
13:04
our whatever we're doing
13:06
because even the ocular melanoma friends
13:09
we don't want to always talk about ocular melanoma
13:11
we talk about other things
13:13
have normal relationships
13:14
don't
13:15
don't let ocular melanoma be the center of your life
13:20
it's it's terrible
13:22
definitely you gotta have a full life
13:24
and we talked in the last episode about balance
13:26
i think that applies here too
13:29
yeah and
13:30
you know i
13:30
i hear a lot of people say oh
13:33
i'm dating should i tell them about my ocular melanoma
13:36
it's like my god
13:36
you just met them and there's a meme on
13:40
on um
13:41
on facebook that well i
13:43
when i was before well
13:45
after my divorce and my new relationship
13:49
i dated a lot of people and it's like
13:51
you wanna put on facebook oh
13:52
i have a new relationship
13:53
and then tomorrow it's like oh
13:54
never mind oh
13:55
i met this wonderful guy oh
13:57
never mind
13:58
because you meet people and it seems all great and good
14:02
and you think oh
14:02
this is gonna be the one probably they're not
14:05
so don't put so much out there
14:07
you know be a little mysterious
14:08
keep things to yourself
14:09
if it looks like it's gonna go in a serious direction
14:12
then talk to him about it
14:14
but you will scare off every potential person
14:18
if you lead with i've ocular melanoma
14:21
don't do that just
14:24
take my advice it never ends well ever
14:30
it's good advice yeah
14:33
be a little mysterious keep it to yourself
14:35
you know
14:36
there's a good chance
14:37
all of those twenty people that you're talking to
14:39
on match dot com or wherever
14:42
are probably not ever gonna talk to you
14:43
in a month or two down the road
14:45
you won't even know who they are
14:46
what kinds of reactions did you get
14:48
when you told people that you were dating
14:51
that you had ocular melanoma
14:54
the first thing i well
14:55
are you gonna die
14:58
true
14:59
um
15:01
well you can still see right
15:04
um how do you drive
15:07
silly questions
15:09
um
15:10
but probably the first one was well
15:12
are you gonna die cause if you say yes
15:14
they're gonna they're gonna go on to the next person
15:16
they're not gonna waste their time with you
15:18
not that many people wanna be in a relationship
15:20
with somebody who's gonna die
15:22
i mean when you look
15:24
it sounds so simplistic
15:25
but we're all gonna die at some point
15:28
that's just the way life is
15:30
but don't lead with that cause that's you know
15:36
and i met a lot of really nice guys
15:38
and none of it worked out because it was too heavy
15:41
you know going in for scans every three months
15:44
they're like why are you going back to the doctor again
15:46
didn't you just have one
15:48
how come you have to have them so much
15:49
they didn't understand and it was too big
15:53
and honestly
15:55
the relationship i'm in right now with fenton
15:56
and most of you guys know fenton
15:58
so i can use his name um
16:00
i never really told him i never said
16:03
by the way i have ocular melanoma
16:05
um we just
16:06
i just we just dated
16:07
and then you know
16:08
slowly little pieces of it came out and oh yeah i
16:12
i run a non profit and oh yeah
16:13
i have it i have
16:14
i was diagnosed we never talked about the gravity of it
16:21
and and it works
16:22
and so you know
16:23
almost six years we're still dating and
16:26
and we have a a good relationship
16:28
but i don't put my ocular melanoma on him
16:31
i don't ask him to take me to the doctor
16:33
i don't ask him to take me to scans
16:35
i don't ask him to do anything with my ocular melanoma
16:39
it's mine i own it
16:41
i take care of it
16:43
and and it makes a much healthier relationship
16:46
yes but if you did ask him to take you
16:49
he absolutely would and he would
16:51
of course he would he would
16:52
of course the difference is
16:55
the difference with that scenario is
16:57
i don't put it on him without his permission
17:00
and if i was gonna
17:01
ask him to take me to a doctor's appointment
17:03
or a scan i would say look
17:04
i have an appointment i have
17:06
or a scan or whatever it is coming up
17:08
and i you know i
17:09
i need someone to take me
17:11
would you go with me he would most likely say yes
17:13
but to come to him and say
17:15
i have a scan you know
17:17
next week at four i need you to take me
17:19
the whole delivery is everything
17:22
and
17:24
um
17:26
i was not the queen of good delivery
17:31
it's a skill you have to practice
17:34
well you have to also be aware
17:36
i wish somebody would have told me some of this stuff
17:38
i wish somebody would have said
17:40
you know instead of telling me
17:41
i need to take you maybe you could ask me
17:44
well yeah
17:44
that would have probably been
17:46
probably a good something for someone to point out
17:48
but they didn't i mean
17:50
i remember the first time i asked my son jeff
17:53
if he would take me to a colon
17:55
i had a a colonoscopy
17:56
just a colonoscopy
17:57
had nothing to do with ocular melanoma
17:59
but i said i need a ride to have a colonoscopy
18:03
i need to get picked up but you have to wait there
18:06
i said can you take me
18:07
and he said no
18:08
that was no i'm your mother
18:11
how can you tell me no well
18:14
he had every right to say no
18:15
he couldn't get take time off work
18:17
i mean you're
18:18
i don't deserve any more special
18:20
treatment than anybody else
18:22
he has a right to set his boundaries
18:24
he had a right to say no
18:26
he had important things at work
18:28
he couldn't leave work you know
18:30
and there was one time he did take me to a colonoscopy
18:33
so it wasn't like he was being mean
18:35
but when you start putting things out there on people
18:40
you have to give them the
18:41
the grace and the the time to say yes or no
18:45
that fits their life and on their terms and
18:49
i think i
18:50
i see that a lot in our community that we don't
18:52
we just think well
18:53
we have ocular melanoma you should all do this for me
18:56
and most people don't want to do that
18:59
i know i don't want to take it like
19:01
yeah like you referenced in the last episode
19:04
the cancer card
19:06
oh yeah
19:08
that cancer card gets you every time
19:10
you think oh
19:11
this is my right not that i have not played it
19:13
and i have played it well um
19:15
but i learned i needed to put my card away
19:17
because that creates a lot of resentment and a lot of
19:22
um
19:24
pressure on people
19:27
if you ever say but i have cancer check yourself
19:32
cause you don't know what that person you're talking to
19:34
has or is dealing with at the time
19:36
even if they're your spouse
19:38
maybe they had a crappy day at work
19:39
and they're dealing with something
19:41
the last thing they want to hear about is your cancer
19:43
cause they've heard about it for the last
19:45
however many months or years or whatever
19:48
and they're probably pretty tired of it
19:50
well
19:50
and they're also carrying their own burden from that
19:54
of their why me
19:55
why me why does my spouse have cancer
19:57
and you know
19:58
my neighbor's spouse doesn't have cancer
20:00
why me so they have their own heaviness in that as well
20:03
yeah yeah
20:05
yeah i think the the
20:06
the biggest thing is when you're
20:08
when you're going when you're in a relationship
20:11
is you have to nurture that relationship
20:13
and you have to keep all the extra stuff out
20:17
the kids stuff the illness stuff
20:21
um there's all this extra stuff that
20:24
i think when you're in a relationship it it
20:28
it becomes heavy in the relationship
20:30
and that's what causes a lot of couples to
20:33
to have trouble is you stop being a couple
20:39
you stop talking and communicating about your
20:43
each of you not
20:45
who took the trash out who didn't empty the dishwasher
20:48
you know who did this wrong
20:50
and why are you doing the laundry wrong
20:53
why didn't you fold the laundry
20:54
all of those things and then
20:56
when you start adding a major illness onto that
20:59
then it becomes even heavier
21:01
well i have cancer
21:02
why are you not helping me around the house more
21:05
well i have cancer
21:06
why are you not more available to me
21:08
and they're probably thinking
21:09
my god i'm doing all i can do
21:11
and you still want more
21:13
and it causes problems in relationships a lot
21:16
um
21:18
and kids even cause trouble in relationships
21:21
you know when you
21:22
especially stepchildren
21:24
why are you giving them all your time and attention
21:27
i'm here i need some too
21:28
and they're like well
21:29
they're my kids i gotta
21:31
you know and it
21:32
it it
21:32
it creates resentments and i think for relationships
21:36
the best thing that you could do
21:38
is talk to yourself first
21:40
and say is this gonna cause a resentment
21:42
can they resent me for this
21:43
and then don't do that or find a better approach to it
21:48
because that's when relationship starts falling apart
21:51
is when there's resentment
21:52
or when somebody feels that they have an expectation
21:55
that they need to live up to
21:56
that they're not able to and that
21:59
that is more for new relationships
22:01
if you are setting yourself up in a new relationship
22:04
with an expectation
22:05
that they're going to be your caregiver
22:07
that was a big disservice to that person
22:09
because that's not their job
22:10
that's not what they that's not why they entered into a
22:15
whatever relationship with
22:16
with you for they wanted a relationship with you
22:20
because they saw something in you they liked
22:22
don't put your stuff on them
22:25
yeah and
22:25
if you do find somebody
22:27
that really just wants to show up and take care of you
22:29
they that might be a red flag
22:30
so maybe you don't want to go down that road
22:35
yeah cause most people don't wanna do that
22:37
no no
22:38
no no no
22:38
i mean
22:38
there's like the florence nightingale syndrome or
22:41
you know munchausen's like
22:43
there's some people out there that
22:45
that that might be something they're looking for
22:46
that maybe you don't want
22:49
or they're looking at
22:50
how much money you might have in the bank
22:51
that they might inherit when you do die
22:54
or yeah too yes
22:55
so be careful yeah
22:57
i mean there's tons of
22:59
it's not you know there
23:00
i think also when you have cancer
23:02
you do tend to be
23:04
to look for people that are more codependent
23:07
and if you're codependent and they're codependent
23:09
if you don't know what codependent is
23:11
go research it cause it's not something you should be
23:13
i know people that that wear it like a badge
23:16
well i'm codependent
23:17
no don't be that
23:19
stand on your own two feet
23:21
be independent be
23:22
be your own person
23:23
you don't need to take on other people's issues
23:26
and problems and
23:27
you certainly don't want other people
23:29
to take on your problems um
23:31
when you give your problems to somebody
23:34
they want to solve them their way
23:36
which is not your way there's the resentment comes in
23:39
because i said i have cancer
23:41
i need you to cook me dinner
23:43
and they cook you dinner and they bring you spaghetti
23:44
and you hate spaghetti and now you're like
23:46
well i asked for dinner and you brought me spaghetti
23:49
and you should know i hate spaghetti
23:51
now you've got an issue that didn't need to happen
23:55
cause communication is a big
23:58
a big component in it all
24:01
you have to learn how to communicate
24:02
you have to learn how to take care of people
24:04
and you have to learn how to teach people
24:06
to take care of you and
24:10
it's it's a huge thing
24:12
but codependency is not a great thing to be
24:14
and you don't
24:15
don't seek out people that are codependent
24:17
cause that's not usually good either
24:21
i learned that in therapy
24:22
i'm not a therapist i learned that going to therapy
24:24
because i was codependent
24:26
and i was married to somebody who was also codependent
24:29
and it was a recipe for disaster
24:32
and that's exactly how it ended in disaster
24:35
so
24:37
yeah i'm not saying that
24:38
i'm a psychiatrist and i don't know all of this stuff
24:41
because i studied it and have a degree
24:43
i i have
24:44
life happened and it takes sometimes
24:48
me getting hit up aside the head a few times
24:50
before it sinks in
24:51
and so now it has sunk in and i know not to do that
24:55
and i will say that i am no longer codependent
24:57
and thank god fenton is not codependent
24:59
we have a wonderful life
25:01
and it's possible you there is possible
25:03
it is possible
25:04
to find a person after your ocular melanoma diagnosis
25:07
choose wisely
25:10
yeah and um
25:12
how lucky are we all to get all this wisdom from you
25:16
because you did learn it the hard way for us
25:21
well and sometimes i
25:22
like i said
25:23
i have to get hit upside the head a few times
25:25
before i'm like oh
25:26
don't do that anymore and
25:28
and there's a lot of things you shouldn't do and
25:31
and if you can learn the first time
25:33
you're better off and it
25:35
and there's people that are gonna watch this and say
25:37
she don't know what she's talking about
25:38
i don't do that i bet you do
25:40
you just don't want to admit that you do
25:43
because most of us do these things and
25:46
and it's
25:48
it just it just never ends well
25:50
you know cherish your friends
25:52
cherish your family don't put your crap on them
25:55
um you know
25:56
let let
25:58
i hear it all the time in the support groups
26:00
my friends don't like it when i talk about my
26:02
ocular melanoma well
26:05
do you want them to talk about their trials every day
26:07
also i mean
26:09
if you had a friend who had breast cancer
26:10
would you want every conversation to be
26:12
surrounded by their breast cancer
26:14
or their prostate cancer no
26:16
no you would not
26:18
you want to have conversations about good things
26:23
safe things relaxing things
26:28
and get to know them as a person
26:29
and let them get to know you as a person
26:31
you know your whole personality is so much more
26:34
it has nothing to do with things that happen
26:37
to you i think a lot of people like to
26:41
and i don't know if they like to do it
26:42
or they just do it but i feel like
26:44
like to do it put themselves in a little box and like
26:48
ten little boxes and then they say oh
26:49
i am this i am that
26:51
and they use these things to um
26:55
oh i don't know
26:56
what's the word when you like identify like
26:59
i don't know what i'm trying to say
27:00
maybe like they use it to what am i trying to say
27:06
i don't know but i know what you're talking about
27:08
but they that's their identity
27:09
that i have to be this thing
27:11
and then that's they they
27:13
they try to live up to that thing
27:15
which might not even be the right thing
27:17
that they need to be doing right
27:19
but they get so prideful about
27:21
and i have i have friends that do this
27:22
so i and i i
27:23
i mean who
27:24
maybe i do i don't know
27:25
maybe everybody does but i just think it's funny
27:27
cause i don't think i do this i
27:29
i think i'm very like
27:31
i just like what i like and i do what i do
27:33
and i am what i am
27:33
and i try to try to do the best i can do
27:35
but i don't i don't try to fit myself into boxes
27:37
but i have friends that do
27:38
and they'll tell you oh
27:40
i can't do that
27:40
cause i'm a this
27:41
and i only do this cause i'm this
27:42
and i'm this and i'm this
27:44
and just these little boxes and i'm like
27:48
why do you need to be that
27:50
and why do you care so much
27:51
why don't you just do what you wanna do
27:52
and just let life come and
27:54
and if you like something great
27:56
and if you don't you don't
27:56
you don't have to be like
27:58
well i'm in this box and we only do this in this box
28:00
like it just makes no sense to me
28:02
there's one one um
28:04
activity that i did when i was in therapy that was hard
28:08
and it says who are you
28:10
well i'm
28:11
you know so and so's
28:13
i'm so and so's wife i'm so and so's mother
28:15
you know i
28:16
i i'm the
28:17
you know the owner of this landscaping company or
28:20
you know i'm a designer
28:21
they like no
28:21
that's what you do that's not
28:23
who are you that is the hardest question to answer
28:27
and sometimes i struggle today
28:28
who am i who am i really
28:31
well i can tell you what
28:33
what i am but i can't always tell you who i am
28:37
i mean i'm creative and i'm thoughtful
28:40
but that's not who i am that's what i am
28:42
and so when you really start drilling it down
28:45
it's a really hard question to answer
28:47
but it's a it's an activity i suggest everybody try
28:52
because
28:54
what you do is not who you are
28:56
and i think that when you really find out who you are
29:01
a lot of those habits will fall away
29:05
like i don't put myself in a box
29:07
i'm a i'm well
29:09
i'm all over the place anyway
29:10
so i don't usually fit in boxes
29:13
and what i did last week i don't want to do this week
29:15
so um
29:17
i'm not a box putter
29:18
and i do try not to put other people in a box
29:21
but
29:23
um
29:25
i think that
29:27
asking your own self some really hard questions
29:30
is good because if you want to have good relationships
29:34
you need to answer those hard questions
29:36
and the biggest one is who
29:38
who are you you know
29:40
not what are you not
29:41
not your traits but who are you
29:44
and then find people that like who you are
29:48
and don't change yourself
29:50
just to have somebody like you
29:52
just because you like
29:53
you know your friend is into photography
29:55
doesn't mean you need to be into photography
29:58
just because you like to garden
30:00
doesn't mean everybody else likes to
30:02
right and
30:03
you know with the boxes
30:04
don't feel like you have to jam yourself
30:06
like photography
30:07
oh i think photographers are cool
30:09
i'm gonna be one and then all of a sudden
30:11
you're like well
30:11
i'm a photographer so i have to do this
30:13
and i have to wear this and i have to have this
30:14
and all things photography
30:16
like you don't have to live in these little boxes
30:19
and i i know people that do that and well
30:20
i only do this and it's
30:22
it's by their hobbies their religions
30:24
their faiths their kids
30:26
i'm a mom i'm a mom
30:28
i only do this i'm the mom
30:30
no like
30:31
it's so much more so like if
30:34
if you're going through the checklist of all your boxes
30:37
right now let it go
30:39
you don't have to define oh
30:40
define yourself that's what i was trying to say
30:42
you don't have to define yourself
30:44
by all these little things that you do and well
30:47
i'm a mom i'm a vegan
30:48
i'm a crossfitter i'm a photographer
30:50
i mean whatever
30:51
like who cares
30:52
just be you and do the things you like
30:56
and don't do the things you don't like
30:57
and just be you don't sit and obsess over
31:00
i have to do this and it has to look like this
31:02
it doesn't you're gonna exhaust yourself
31:06
i had a friend marla
31:07
and she said we should say well
31:09
i'm just a hot mess and i could identify with that
31:12
i'm a hot mess um
31:14
and it's okay to be a hot mess
31:17
you don't have to have your stuff together all the time
31:19
just no
31:22
you know embrace you embrace
31:26
and and i
31:26
i again
31:28
going back to my therapy embrace that inner child
31:31
i know
31:32
people are probably sick of even hearing that term
31:33
inner child but your inner child is very important
31:36
heal that
31:38
you know a child and
31:39
and let that child come out and play
31:41
because you'd be surprised um
31:44
how much more fun life is when you're not so serious
31:47
and trying to fit in a box
31:49
and
31:49
when you're not constantly trying to look for a mate
31:52
or you're not if you're single
31:55
you're looking for a mate that
31:56
that's not don't put that all i
31:59
i did that twice twice
32:01
two divorces twice
32:03
i gotta have a mate i can't live alone
32:05
i'm gonna tell you all
32:07
i've never been so happy in my whole life
32:09
when i moved to edenton and i got my own little house
32:12
i thought oh my god
32:13
i never i've never lived on my own before
32:16
cause i never had lived on my own
32:18
i lived with my mother my father
32:21
um a roommate
32:23
a husband
32:25
kids
32:26
and i when i bought this house
32:29
i sat on the floor the very first night and cried
32:32
thought what have i done
32:33
i cannot do this by myself
32:35
well i did it all by myself
32:37
and
32:37
i learned a lot of things about myself in the process
32:40
and sometimes
32:42
the hard stuff shows you who you really are
32:45
and what you're capable of
32:46
and that you can step back
32:47
and be proud of something afterwards
32:50
i mean i'm very proud of what i've done to my house
32:52
and i love i love living alone
32:55
i love it i don't have to ever rely on anybody but i
33:00
but i can if i need to i mean
33:02
i've got finn i can rely on him
33:04
but at the same time i don't have to i
33:06
if i don't like it what i'm doing
33:07
i go home and and it's
33:10
and it was a very freeing experience
33:12
and taught me a lot about me
33:13
and who i really am as a person
33:16
and i don't i don't need somebody in my life
33:21
i choose to have somebody in my life
33:23
there's a big difference
33:25
i choose the friends i have in my life
33:27
i don't need five hundred friends
33:30
i choose the ones that i want to bring into my life
33:32
and the ones that i don't
33:33
i don't bring them in and it's okay
33:36
i think that's a a thing
33:37
we're afraid oh
33:38
what if i don't have anybody
33:39
well it's alright
33:41
you'll be fine
33:43
cause i was a chicken and i
33:44
and look i'm fine
33:47
it's like quantity versus quality
33:50
you know you can have a few really good friends
33:53
or you can have a lot of superficial friends
33:55
but you really can't have a ton of super close friends
33:58
because
33:58
there's not enough time to foster that relationship
34:01
in that many people so yeah
34:04
you can have a few close friends
34:05
and then a lot of acquaintance friends
34:08
yeah but even my close friends
34:10
we don't talk for days or weeks or months
34:13
we don't hold it against each other
34:15
we just pick up the phone and jump in where we left off
34:19
but there's just um
34:20
there's a lot of um
34:24
i think people try to prove themselves too much
34:28
or try to be something that they're not
34:30
they feel like there's expectations
34:31
they have to live up to
34:33
and i can just tell you that there is
34:34
nobody should put an expectation on you
34:36
that you have to live up to
34:38
you shouldn't even put those expectations on yourself
34:41
don't set the bar so high
34:43
it's because all you'll be is disappointed and stressed
34:48
oh very stressed
34:50
and stress is not good for you
34:51
don't stress yourself out
34:53
it's not good yeah
34:54
and you know
34:57
the relationships i think
34:58
are meant to ebb and flow as well
35:00
let's just chat with about that real fast
35:03
i think that people come into your life for a season
35:05
and when they go
35:06
it's okay to wish them well and be gone
35:08
you know
35:09
i don't think that everybody that you were friends with
35:12
are meant to be friends with you today
35:13
and you each evolve you go different ways
35:16
you meet new people different experiences
35:18
take you on different journeys
35:19
and i think if we sat back and enjoyed the journey
35:22
and enjoyed the people while they were in our life
35:25
instead of being upset when they go on
35:27
um people have given me a lot of crap because i tell
35:30
i say my ex husband
35:32
i wish him well i hope
35:33
he's happy i wish him well
35:35
how can you do that well
35:37
because i have to let it go
35:39
give him grace and send him off
35:42
he came into my life for a season
35:44
i'm better
35:45
i'm a better person today that i was before i met him
35:50
because he brought lessons
35:52
go ahead
35:54
i was just gonna say that's a healthy mindset
35:57
that's a healthy way to process that and look at it
36:01
yeah cause he wasn't meant to stay
36:05
and it's okay
36:06
and he's hopefully happy and living a great life and
36:09
and his next chapter was what it was supposed to be
36:12
and i i'm a firm believer that we're all here to
36:15
you know to learn lessons and live
36:17
live a life and people are gonna come and go
36:20
and i think we need to be more um
36:25
graceful as they come and go
36:27
let them come let them go
36:29
don't hold on so tight it's okay
36:32
for sure and i think if you were sitting around going
36:36
oh how dare he
36:37
you know whatever
36:39
you would just be torturing yourself
36:40
that wouldn't be torturing him
36:42
he's moved on he's in a different state
36:44
he's doing his thing like you
36:46
sitting there and being like
36:47
i hate that guy
36:49
all that does is hurt you
36:51
and by saying hey
36:52
i wish him well you're releasing that
36:55
you're not stewing on it
36:57
and that's only gonna be better
36:59
for your physical health your mental health
37:01
your future relationships
37:03
so yeah
37:04
if people are trying to like
37:06
trash talk with you for whatever situation
37:09
don't play into it because
37:11
it's really easy to have somebody
37:13
start complaining about something
37:14
and be like yeah
37:15
and get riled up and oh yeah
37:18
but don't don't do it
37:21
because it'll just suck you in the gutter
37:23
and then you won't feel good
37:24
you'll be upset and you're like man
37:28
i feel terrible it's their fault
37:30
it's not their fault it's your fault
37:31
you gotta let that go only you affect you
37:35
and i'm the
37:36
the worst at jumping on other people's trains
37:38
if you come to me and say
37:40
you're not gonna believe what so and so did what
37:43
oh my god
37:44
how dare they i'm getting better at being like
37:47
well what was their story
37:50
and and
37:51
and i i am better at that now
37:52
it took me a long time to get off the train
37:55
be like yeah
37:56
but we don't know what about them what
37:57
you know what what's their side of it
38:00
you know
38:01
you you can't just jump on everybody's train
38:04
and you can't expect everybody to jump on your train
38:08
because if you ask my ex husband and me
38:11
to describe our marriage
38:12
you would get two totally different um
38:15
explanations they would not look at all the same
38:18
because he has a whole list of stuff i did to him
38:20
and i have a whole list of stuff he did to me
38:23
but in the end
38:25
we're divorced and we're free of each other
38:27
and we're both living great lives
38:30
and it's good
38:31
and i don't need anybody to get on my train against him
38:35
you know he
38:36
he is he did his best that i think he knew how to be
38:41
and hopefully he's a better person now
38:43
hopefully he's got a better fit and
38:45
and it's good and you know
38:50
you gotta just wish him well and give him grace and
38:53
you know cause that heals yourself
38:55
like you said and one of the things that i did
38:58
that was a totally big mistake
39:00
i'm just gonna say it
39:01
and hopefully fenton never listens to this
39:04
but when i first met fenton on our
39:07
i swear to you i did this
39:08
don't do this on our very first date
39:12
i told him
39:14
i'm never getting married
39:16
i will never share my bank account
39:18
and your name will never be on my house
39:21
first thing i said to him
39:23
six years later well
39:25
you said you never wanted to get married
39:28
yes i did
39:29
do i want to get married actually no
39:32
but i i'm not gonna say i wouldn't entertain it
39:35
if it was the right you know
39:36
the scenario was right
39:38
i don't see a reason to get married
39:40
we're living a fine life we don't need to get married
39:42
but if there was some reason we needed to
39:45
i would entertain it now but i set up
39:48
i'm surprised he actually talked to me again
39:50
because looking backwards
39:52
i think god
39:52
i was kind of a bitch i was kind of not a nice person
39:54
um and when you
39:56
when you starting a new relationship and you lead
39:59
i didn't lead with ocular melanoma
40:01
but i led with all this baggage from my
40:03
my ex husband as to what i'm not gonna do
40:06
you know you
40:07
you know we are going to be here now
40:10
granted when we first were dating
40:12
we were just gonna be friends
40:13
like movie friends
40:14
dinner friends and then it evolved but
40:16
but still i set the stage that
40:19
this is what you cannot expect from me
40:22
and and yeah
40:24
and there
40:25
there's a difference between being upfront with someone
40:28
and putting a wall up and you
40:30
my friend had a wall that wasn't just hey
40:33
i'm being transparent that was like
40:34
you're not coming in here
40:35
but i'll go to the movies with you
40:39
well i had
40:40
i had met so many guys that wanted to move in
40:43
because i had a house i mean
40:44
i seriously i met a guy on
40:46
on match dot com and i only talked to him twice
40:50
because as soon as he said oh
40:52
you have a house well
40:53
maybe i can move in uh no
40:56
go away so you
40:57
you red flag there were reasons for that
41:00
but i automatically put fenton in that box
41:03
and the poor guy he was not that guy
41:06
he didn't
41:06
you know he wasn't looking for to move in with me
41:09
and he didn't want me to move in with him
41:11
and you know
41:12
we were just
41:14
yeah but
41:14
i brought all this past baggage
41:17
into our very first date and like i said
41:19
i'm lucky he he hung out for a while because um
41:25
i probably would have run the other way
41:27
so don't do that don't
41:28
don't bring your
41:30
don't bring your baggage with you to your first meeting
41:33
cause it's you think you're being
41:35
well i'm gonna take control of this situation
41:37
and i'm going to tell him how it is
41:40
why
41:41
that was just dumb
41:44
yeah be careful of those walls
41:46
we all put walls up for different reasons
41:49
and just be careful of it
41:50
and you know
41:51
your ego's gonna lie to you
41:53
and tell you that you don't do that
41:55
but you probably do cause i think we all do
41:58
i'm just gonna tell you that
42:00
i have gotten to the point where i have no ego anymore
42:03
i have left my ego behind
42:05
and if you are an ego go ahead
42:08
your ego is part of your personality
42:09
and it's a crucial part of your personality
42:11
so you might you might have a healthy ego
42:14
but you always have it well okay
42:17
let me i put the bad ego behind me
42:19
i have i am no longer
42:22
i am no longer defined by my accomplishments
42:30
or my how many friends i have or where
42:34
i live
42:36
none of that stuff defines me anymore
42:38
nor do i boast about it because why um
42:42
when i think of ego i don't think of the ego you're
42:44
think you're talking about
42:45
i think of the the bad ego
42:46
the the
42:48
the ego well
42:49
i did this and
42:50
well i went to this school and well i
42:52
and it's you know
42:53
yeah and it's
42:55
it's same ego
42:55
but the thought that you can get rid of it
42:59
isn't really the way that it works
43:00
you you have to keep it in check
43:01
thank you um
43:03
that that's the way that works
43:04
but you just did a great job illustrating all the boxes
43:06
i was talking about like
43:07
all those things your awards
43:09
your kids your job
43:10
your whatever those are all those little boxes that
43:13
i'm great because i got this award at work
43:14
and i'm great because my kids are on the honor roll
43:16
and i'm great because of this and because of that
43:18
and if one of those boxes doesn't fit or
43:21
you know you don't have everything in the box
43:23
like you freak out like
43:24
just who cares
43:25
and i think that you have to really check that
43:29
because
43:30
if you are defining yourself by whatever your ego is
43:34
saying that you are in a bad way
43:38
and putting yourself in all these boxes
43:40
you're not being authentic to who you really are
43:43
and i think that's when i learned to release it
43:46
and to not if i'm not up for an award
43:48
i wish the other person well
43:50
i'm not gonna cry about it
43:52
i don't want an award i don't i don't need
43:57
validation recognition from other people
44:00
yeah i don't need that anymore and
44:03
and there was a time that i did
44:04
but i've maybe my self esteem
44:08
yeah i mean
44:09
self esteem sure
44:09
but the difference is
44:10
not caring what other people think
44:12
because when you care what other people think
44:14
then you have to look good in that box
44:16
that box has to be perfect
44:18
you've got to you know all the things
44:20
once you stop caring what everyone else thinks
44:23
you are free
44:25
and you can be happy and content just being you
44:29
yeah because you don't have the boxes disappear
44:31
you don't have the boxes at all
44:32
they're gone if you could do a good job at work
44:34
awesome great good
44:36
good for you if your kids are doing awesome at school
44:38
that's awesome
44:39
but you're not trying to jam it in this little box
44:41
that it has to be and that neighbors have to see it
44:43
and if they don't see it oh
44:44
my god like i did it for nothing
44:46
no that's not the way it works
44:49
just don't care what people think
44:51
and it's not easier said than done
44:52
a lot of things we talk about
44:53
i will be the first to say
44:55
that's easier said than done
44:56
this one is not this one is easier done than said
44:59
if you do this your life will be so much easier
45:03
but if you keep worrying and worrying and worrying
45:05
you are torturing yourself
45:06
and that's my soapbox
45:09
well i'm just gonna say it
45:10
and that's one of the lessons
45:11
ocular melanoma has taught me
45:13
honestly that
45:15
cause sometimes you have bad things happen to you
45:17
to teach you good lessons
45:18
and yes
45:19
that is one of the things that it has taught me to be
45:22
not that i wasn't always a humble person
45:24
but i'm a lot more humble than i was before
45:27
um i also give myself grace a lot more than i used to
45:30
i'm not hard on myself anymore
45:32
um when i fall down and give myself a black eye
45:35
i make a joke about it i think it's funny
45:37
i'm not cause i'm covering up or masking or any of that
45:40
but because well
45:41
that's who i am now i will fall down in the street
45:44
and give myself a black eye
45:46
um you know
45:46
do i fall down a lot yes
45:48
i do do i enjoy it
45:50
no i don't
45:52
but it is who i am and
45:55
you either are gonna laugh with me
45:57
about me falling down
45:58
or you're not gonna wanna be around me
46:00
because i will fall down and that's okay
46:05
and um my mother would have been horrified
46:08
to hear me say these words
46:09
and because she was very much the person of
46:12
what will the neighbors think
46:13
and you must look this way
46:14
and this must be the way you act
46:16
because everybody is judging you
46:19
and we talked about this before
46:20
nobody is even really paying a bit of attention
46:23
to what you're doing and if they are
46:25
it's true
46:25
it's probably because of something within themselves
46:30
a thousand percent if somebody is judging you
46:33
it's because they're judging themselves
46:35
because that's how judgment works
46:36
if you're judging other people
46:37
you're judging yourself
46:38
and if you're looking at me right now and saying
46:40
i don't do that
46:41
that's your ego telling you you don't do that
46:43
yes you do
46:44
and how do i know this therapy
46:48
therapy cause i went through this therapy too
46:50
i was the one who said that
46:51
i was i don't judge anybody
46:52
you judge yourself no
46:53
i don't yeah wait
46:54
wait till you do the work and uncover it all
46:56
you will realize very quickly
46:58
if you're judging other people
46:59
it's because you have a self judgment problem
47:01
so those people who are judging you
47:03
understand that that is a them problem
47:06
they're judging themselves
47:07
they're not happy with themselves
47:08
and they're projecting it on you
47:09
has nothing to do with you
47:11
and like i said before
47:12
only you can control how you feel
47:15
and you know one of the things that um
47:19
i have been working on lately
47:21
is if someone's annoying you it's
47:23
it's because you're annoying
47:25
and that was really kind of life changing to me that oh
47:29
it's a it's a me problem
47:30
i need to not be annoyable
47:32
and it really does help when you shift your thinking
47:37
and so
47:37
that's one of the things i've been working on lately
47:39
like i can i can work on
47:41
you know um
47:42
i'm really good at not putting pressure on myself
47:45
like we talked about i don't do the boxes
47:46
i'm really good at gratitude
47:47
i'm really good at a lot of that stuff
47:49
but the one thing that i am struggling with right now
47:51
is certain people still annoy me
47:54
and having to flip that around on myself and say
47:57
well that's because i'm annoying
47:59
and why is this triggering me
48:00
what in me is triggered by that
48:03
that makes me annoyed cause it's a me problem
48:05
it's not a them problem it's a me problem
48:07
so i have to fix that in me
48:09
and so as soon as you start to realize that
48:12
it's all self contained you are your person
48:16
you worry about you you deal with you
48:18
nobody else around you matters
48:21
you will be free
48:22
truly so i have found out that i am
48:26
and i know we don't cuss on here
48:28
but i'm gonna say it anyway
48:28
'cause some people don't call it a cussing word
48:30
i am piss offable
48:32
and i learned that in a book
48:34
in a self help book that i am piss offable
48:37
that you can that i
48:40
you can push my button
48:41
and i will go right there in a minute
48:43
and i have been working really hard on not being that
48:46
i have been working really hard on letting it go
48:49
and not letting it affect me
48:51
because i have a trigger
48:52
and when that trigger is pulled
48:56
it's not i mean
48:57
i'm not mean or nasty or anything
48:59
but boy can i go on a rant
49:02
and i can just it can ruin my whole day and i have
49:08
i actually it was actually ashley mccrary
49:11
who referred this book to me
49:14
and i'm like why are you telling me to read that book
49:16
ashley um
49:18
and it was a really smart book
49:21
and you're gonna ask me the name of it
49:22
i don't know um
49:23
well send it to me later
49:25
and we'll link it in the show notes
49:26
we'll put it on our amazon book list
49:30
i don't remember so i
49:31
i don't have the problem of being pissed offable
49:34
i'm very patient but i
49:35
my problem is that i'm annoyable and i don't speak up
49:40
so someone starts annoying me
49:41
and i just take it and take it and take it
49:44
and then i leave and i'm like
49:45
i can never be around that person again
49:47
where i should have just said
49:49
hey sweet friend
49:50
could you stop doing that
49:51
and they'd be like oh sure
49:52
and it would be no big deal
49:53
but because i don't speak up and say that
49:57
it gets blown out of proportion
49:58
so what i need to do is speak up
50:01
so i don't know if that helps anybody
50:03
the book is the let them theory
50:07
yes a good book
50:11
good good
50:11
good book because you have to sometimes just let them
50:16
and you
50:17
you'll learn a lot about yourself reading this book
50:20
and this is i think the
50:21
i think this is the book that i realized that i am
50:24
piss offable and um
50:27
yeah and i am trying really hard to not be that way
50:29
so even though we have gone to therapy
50:31
both of us have gone to different therapists
50:33
at different times we're not perfect
50:35
we're not trying to pretend we're perfect
50:37
we're just trying to give you guys
50:38
a little bit of insight on what
50:39
some of the stuff that we've learned
50:41
and avoid those pitfalls um
50:43
don't worry about what people think about you
50:45
because if you go on a
50:47
if you're single and you have ocular melanoma
50:49
and you're going on a date and it doesn't work out
50:53
it's not a reflection of you
50:56
and don't don't let it
50:59
it's not because your eye looked funny
51:00
it's not because you can't see
51:02
you know maybe
51:03
you could have done some things differently in there
51:04
but if it was a true connection
51:06
it would have worked
51:08
because i can tell you
51:09
there's been lots of connections that didn't work
51:11
and if i could come up to fenton and say
51:13
these are all the things i will not do
51:15
and he still called me the next day
51:17
and wanted to go out again
51:19
that just goes to show you that
51:20
you know um
51:22
if they really want to they will
51:24
but don't but don't
51:25
still don't do that cause that's
51:26
that's not a good thing to do
51:29
and it will haunt you for a very long time
51:32
six years it's still haunting me
51:37
oh poor fenton
51:39
poor fenton he is
51:41
he's such a nice guy but when he's in melody's world
51:43
we say poor fenton a lot poor fenton
51:46
that's right well um
51:47
before we wrap up this episode
51:49
will you show everybody your new puppy
51:52
oh of course
51:53
come here lola
51:55
cause mel's got a new puppy
51:56
so if you are listening i'm so sorry you can't see
51:59
check this out on youtube if you wanna see
52:01
but this is lola the new puppy
52:05
and she's a Havanese tell us what else
52:09
um she's a Havanese
52:10
and her breeder person
52:14
is the daughter of an ocular melanoma patient
52:18
and that's how we got connected on facebook
52:20
so she's a true omie homie
52:23
she was a product from an omie home
52:26
so her if you
52:27
if you call her her breeder person
52:31
her mom then
52:32
her grandma had ocular melanoma
52:36
so now i have
52:38
yeah so we kind of pass that little chain down and yeah
52:42
so this is lola
52:45
we were gonna name her omie
52:46
but it just didn't seem to work
52:47
so she's a lola but she's gonna be a nickname
52:51
yeah her show
52:52
her show name will be omie
52:54
yes stay tuned for that project we're working on
52:57
yeah
52:59
that's a nice little teaser right there
53:01
so also
53:02
i will say that if you're struggling
53:04
i was the anti pet person
53:06
for how long long
53:08
i mean as well as i put my dog down in
53:10
two thousand and seventeen
53:12
i think dakota
53:14
we had her for like thirteen and a half years
53:16
and i swore off dogs i'm never gonna get another dog
53:18
never ever
53:19
i told everybody don't get a dog
53:21
no no no no
53:22
um when i went to get this dog
53:25
i text megan and i said um
53:29
a lapse in judgment or dementia has started early
53:32
because i'm getting a dog
53:34
and everybody was shocked
53:36
but i'm very happy now that i have a dog
53:38
she's very sweet and god love fenton
53:41
i did not discuss this with him before i bought the dog
53:44
and i thought he was gonna be mad
53:46
and he wasn't and now they're best friends so poor fenton
53:51
fenton's so lucky he gets to play with your puppy
53:54
i don't want to hear poor fenton about that
53:57
no he just had no say
53:58
he just was he just
54:00
he just was here this is our dog
54:02
but him him and his family love her
54:04
and she's um
54:06
she's a great dog so if you're
54:08
if you're if you're lonely and if you're single and
54:11
and i can't believe i'm gonna say this
54:14
instead of going on match dot com
54:16
you might wanna get a dog
54:18
yes get a puppy
54:20
it's a great idea
54:23
but i'm just gonna say match dot com is a scary place
54:26
so you might not wanna go there
54:28
but anyway yeah
54:30
it's a fun time we're happy
54:33
yeah she's precious
54:35
alright everybody
54:37
thank you so much for tuning in
54:38
please like and subscribe
54:40
um leave us a comment
54:42
let us know
54:42
if you have anything you would like to add to this
54:46
about relationships your experiences
54:48
we'd love to hear from you all
54:50
and um
54:51
check out our website ACureInSight.org
54:53
there's lots of resources there for you as well
54:56
and we will see you all next week