Latest / Motherhood Uncut / 12 Motherhood Myths Debunked | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 5 Episode 8

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12 Motherhood Myths Debunked | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 5 Episode 8 · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Kate Kripke and welcome to the Motherhood Uncut podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are committed to making sure that nobody ever needs to mother alone.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: We bring to you wherever you are the conversations that we need to have to survive and thrive in motherhood, but so often keep silent about the things that make us laugh, cry, celebrate, rage about, and reflect on, the things that bring tears of sorrow and tears of joy, confusion and wonder, fear and gratitude.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We want you to feel good about your mothering and to feel supported along the often clunky adventure of life as a mom.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: In Motherhood Uncut, you can expect eye-opening conversations with experts in parenting, mental health, and women's health, as well as moving and inspiring conversations with moms who are out there paving the way for their children.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You'll likely agree with some of what you hear and also disagree with some of what you hear.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: All we ask is this that you come with an open mind and boatloads of compassion for yourself and mothers everywhere.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pull up a chair, pour yourself a glass of wine or a cup of tea, put on your walking or running shoes, turn up the volume in your car during your commute or the pickup line at school.
• 1:09
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• 1:11
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• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: So pull up a chair.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let's dive in.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I am so excited to announce the launch of my brand new Aligned Mama Reset and 21-day interactive wellness challenge for stressed-out, overwhelmed, and depleted moms.
• 2:01
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• 2:24
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• 2:28
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• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back, listeners.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's Kate.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So today I thought I would take 12 of the most common myths of motherhood that I see clients come to me with in my work and debunk them with you today.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because these are statements or ideas, beliefs that I hear over and over again in my work.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And they're really also the statements and beliefs that lead women to incredible amounts of anxiety, depression, overwhelm, burnout, and deep disconnection and attachment challenges with their kids.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to be talking at you for a little bit today.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Got another one of the Kate shows, but I do want you to think a little bit as I'm going through these about whether or not there might be a part of you that believes that these statements or these myths are true.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them you might hear and be like, oh, I know that's obvious that one's not true.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And some of them you may question.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not, you know, we want to move away from do I believe it or not believe it, but sort of consider this more subtle question is in what ways might I still believe that that's true?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if I do still believe that's true, how might I be feeling because of that belief and behaving or acting because of that belief?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, that'll give you some doorways of places to get a little curious with yourself.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna jump right in.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Myth number one good moms love being with their kids all the time.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how much I hear this.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: So often I hear folks talk about how guilty they feel when they don't want to be with their kids.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something that I think a lot of new moms feel in the very beginning, especially those moms who have worked hard to become pregnant, who may have had losses along the way.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um and, you know, of course, for moms who didn't have that sort of intro into motherhood, but this idea that if I don't want to be with my kiddo, that must mean that I don't like being a mom, or that I don't love my child, or that people will think I don't love my child.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I started with this one because this is something that Deb and I get a big laugh at a lot of the time.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are so many times when Deb and I talk about how much we want to be apart from our children.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope you know now, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, that for both Deb and myself, our girls are um really, you know, an the ultimate priority for us in our lives.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and at the same time, there's so often that we just want to get away, that we just want to have some space.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if I felt guilty for every time I thought that or felt that way, I would be feeling a lot of inherent guilt.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Good moms, quote unquote, good moms, love their children.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I even wanted to take that word good moms out of that.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have yet to meet a mother who doesn't love her child.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So we can love our children and not love being with them all the time.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: We can love our children and want to be apart from our children.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: We can love our children and not love everything that goes into being a mom.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this and you're out there thinking to yourself, what's wrong with me?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I should want to be with my kid more.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And all I want to do is be away from my child.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that that is not a reflection of your love for your child, the kind of mother you are, and certainly not a reflection of there being something wrong with you.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: In many, many, many cultures and societies around the world, in most other animal species, uh, a village helps care for a child, right?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Others step in to care for a child so that that mother can step away.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I watched a nature video once about foxes when my girls were really little.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to talk about this in my work all the time, but here's a really fascinating thing.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: So when a mama fox fox has pups, um, she will lie, you know, on her side and those pups will nurse.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then she will take a break and she'll get up from that position and take a break.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And another female wolf will come lie in her space where she was lying while she's gone.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then that mama wolf will come back and take that space back again.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, wolves do this, and somehow, as humans, we tend to believe that we should want to be with our children all the time.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I really want to start with that one.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Take yourself off the hook with that.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, number two, if I wanted a baby and my child is healthy, I should just be grateful.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: When I first meet with women, especially when they're new moms, so much of the beginning conversations have to do with that mother wanting to make sure that I don't see her as being ungrateful.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a way in which we can feel like if I talk about the things that are hard, that means I'm not grateful for what I have.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Certainly, I think we can get this kind of feedback and advice and um shoulds from people in our lives, right?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: If we're talking about something hard and someone might say, Well, you have a healthy baby, just be grateful, right?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the birth was hard, maybe the pregnancy was hard, maybe um you're exhausted because you're caring for a baby or a toddler or a teenager for that matter.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And some well-meaning person who isn't sure how to sit with discomfort might say to you, Yeah, but you have a healthy kid, just be grateful.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you should just be grateful.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And whether someone says that directly or passively, we can store that belief in our brain and then feel incredibly guilty and maybe even verge on shame if we are beginning to allow ourselves to acknowledge the things that we're not so happy about.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're disappointed about our baby's gender.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we are um disappointed about the way the birth went.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we are feeling um frustrated or angry or disappointed by the ways in which our partner is not showing up for us the way we had hoped.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we have a child that we're having a hard time soothing, or maybe we're struggling with breastfeeding.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there are a million places where we can fall into this incredibly debilitating belief that if things on paper look good, we should just be grateful.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna make a really bold statement here, but I have also never met a woman who wasn't grateful for the things that she had, while she also is feeling a lot of other things that come with being a new mom.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: If I wanted a baby and my child is healthy, I'm allowed to feel everything, including gratitude and disappointment.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning the moments of disappointment or frustration do not need to take away from how grateful you are.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You get to feel both.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, motherhood is just hard and it's normal to feel burnt out.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: This one makes me crazy.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it's one of the things that keeps so many women from reaching out for support in a timely manner.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: There is this uh belief out there that moms are just going to feel exhausted and sleep deprived and burnt out, and that as mothers, we just have to get through the hard stuff in order to feel good again, in order to feel um to have space, in order to feel free, in order to engage in purpose-driven work and activities outside of motherhood in order to um feel energized.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is that when we have this expectation, when we live by this limited belief, if I'm a mom, I'm going to feel burnt out.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm a mom, I'm going to struggle deeply.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm a mom, I'm going to fill in the blank.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood is hard.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: It is challenging.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: And there are many of moments when we're going to feel at the end of our rope.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: But a healthy mother with a healthy brain is going to also have plenty of moments where she's able to feel relaxed and calm and connected and energized and excited about life, both inside and outside of motherhood.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood is not a death sentence.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that um intentionally.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I have heard people say that to me.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've had clients say, well, mother is just motherhood is just hard.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: So there's nothing I, there's no time, there's nothing I can do about it.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want to challenge that thinking if you're one of those moms.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: We can do hard things.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And when we learn to do hard things from a place of being resourced, of feeling full, of deeply connecting with ourselves first, everything's much less effortful.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to feel so hard all the time.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I had a client once who spent the first 10 or 15 minutes of a session telling me all the reasons why she um lost her shit or loses her shit at 8 p.m.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: every night when her when her kids won't go to bed.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And trust me, I've been there.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have lost my shit at 8 p.m.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: when my kids won't go to bed.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not that there was something wrong with this experience that this mom was having, but she spent the first 10 or 15 minutes telling me all of the reasons why that was inevitable.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what I said to her was, you know that you don't have to feel at the end of your rope every day, right?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a concept that if we're just putting our head down and plowing through, we don't recognize that there might be another option out there.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: We don't recognize that in motherhood, we can have plenty of hard, challenging moments.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: We can have plenty of moments when we're exhausted, but we can also have plenty of moments that feel more effortless, plenty of moments when we're energized, plenty of moments where we feel light and free and playful.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: We can have that.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, you know, some people uh may not like this statement, but I believe it in the in every cell of my body.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: If we're not having those moments, and then it's an important question to ask: what part might I might I be playing in the fact that I'm not having any moments or as many moments as I'd like of feeling joy and ease and connection and playfulness and um excitement and whatever else you want to fill in the blank.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy for us to blame motherhood or blame all the stuff that's on our plate as moms for how we feel.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And from where I sit, um, it's really too bad when folks do that.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: When when they put the blame and the responsibility on everything outside of them needing to change before they can feel better.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um I deeply, deeply believe that that is not a fact.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: There are certainly those of us who have a lot of challenges on our plate, whether those are structural challenges like racism or policy challenges or financial burdens or complicated relationships with partners who um are not respectful or equal or even that cause harm.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot in the world that is um dysfunctional.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not at all suggesting that we're not going to be impacted by those things.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you have a child who's challenged by something, even if you have a partner who's difficult, even if you are amidst a lot of structural systems that are um needing immense amounts of rebuilding, you can still have plenty of moments where you're not feeling so burnt out and so exhausted and so lost.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, number four.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: If I just put my head down and plow through, it will get easier.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: This sort of goes along with number three, right?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a high achiever phenomenon.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, if I just put my head down and work hard and plow through, I will get through to the other side and it will get easier.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: In some ways, this is true, right?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: As our children get older, we tend to end up having more space and things can get easier.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: But it also is true that the more we struggle, the more those and don't get the support we need, the more those struggles get pushed down and locked inside and build internally over time.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that makes mothering the easiest, quote unquote, right?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I am certainly not going to say motherhood is easy, but what makes it easier is putting some hard work in in the beginning and getting support early.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: When we do that, and we can build strategies and practices and habits for self-care, for attending to ourselves, for compassion with ourselves, for staying connected to ourselves, for filling ourselves up, for building strong, secure attachments with our children.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: If we get support around those things early, things will be easier later on.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: But if we don't get the support we need earlier, early, they're not going to suddenly get easy later.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: That is a myth.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: So the more, the more support you get, the more practices you learn, more strategies you embody when you're in the earlier stages of motherhood to tend to yourself and your own health and well-being and tend to that healthy, strong attachment and relationship with your child, the easier things will be later on.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: But they won't suddenly appear or become easier if we do nothing to support ourselves in the beginning.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, I am a competent and smart woman.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't need help.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, us high achievers.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I just had a call this morning actually with a client who was, you know, talking about this, right?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: This idea that, okay, now I have these tools.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now I know what to do.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to take care of myself.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to eat well.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know that sleep is important to me.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I know how to stay steady when my children feel challenging.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to stay connected with them, even the hardest moments.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's important to pause and take a breath.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know all these things.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me that I'm still losing my patience?
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me that I can't keep up with these practices?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a really interesting phenomenon for those of us who are used to success.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: We can believe that if we work hard enough at something, we can then take it and run with it and not need any more support.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the human brain doesn't work that way.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: When we are changing habits, when we're learning new ways of being in this world, when we're letting go go of old habits, old thoughts, old behaviors that don't serve us and serve us, and we're bringing in new habits, new thoughts, new behaviors that help us feel better.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: We actually need a ton of accountability, support and community to help us stay steady.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And many of us were raised in family systems where we were told or taught that we shouldn't need help, that independence is the way to go, that resourcefulness, being resourceful with it within ourselves is really the only honorable way of doing something.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: And while I am certainly a firm believer that being resourceful is really important, and that feeling capable of doing things um for ourselves without needing someone else to do it for them is a very important skill to have.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: But in motherhood, we're not supposed to do it alone.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this is one of the reasons why those of us who are high achievers and used to used to being successful in life suddenly find ourselves struggling in motherhood because we assume that since we've been so competent and resourceful and independent in the rest of our lives, that we shouldn't need help here in motherhood.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Motherhood is an exception.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot do this alone.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: We do need help.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: We need uh biological help, meaning our bodies.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: We need we need to make sure that we are taking care of our bodies and that we're reaching out for adequate support from others.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: To help us take care of our bodies.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: That might be people to help us at night with our children and our babies or during the day so that we can take naps and get rest.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: That might mean someone helping to feed us so that we're not responsible for all of the cooking and providing all the time.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's a partner, maybe that's a friend, maybe that's takeout.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's all kinds of biological supports that new moms and those of us who are aging while we're also raising children really need to reach out for.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Psychological support, right?
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Changing those old belief patterns that are getting in our way, helping us learn how to sit with and make sense of and learn from the heart emotions.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Social support.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Community, other moms to mother with, mentors, coaches, therapists, spiritual help and support, leaning into things that bring us a greater sense of being held, whether that's a religious faith or a spiritual practice or nature.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Competent and smart women also need help in motherhood.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: We are not supposed to do it alone.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, if my child is distressed or struggling, it's my fault.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Wooza.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: For me, you've heard me say it before, the hardest part of mothering for me is recognizing that it's not my job to prevent my children from feeling their own pain.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: We can take our children's distress and struggles personally.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: I must have done something wrong.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's my job to make sure they never struggle or they're never feeling pain or they're never hurt.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: If we have that belief, then we're gonna feel a lot of guilt every time our child is distressed and struggles.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you right now, your child is gonna struggle a lot in his or her life because as humans, we do struggle, right?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: And when we can allow ourselves to understand that we can neither prevent that distress and struggle, nor should we want to, because truthfully, I think we probably know this intellectually, but I'll just remind you of it right now.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: If we want our kiddos to be resilient and brave and resourceful, uh we need to allow them plenty of space to struggle and feel pain.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if your child is distressed or struggling, it is not your fault.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: I do believe it's an important question, it's a valuable question for us to ask ourselves: what part might I be playing in my child's struggle and distress?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: That question is not where is it my fault or how am I to blame, but that question allows us to unhook ourselves from their struggle so that we can understand that there are ways that we can contribute unintentionally to distress and struggle.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really what this podcast is all about, right?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: How do we learn to take care of ourselves so that we don't project onto our kids our own stuff that then they have to deal with and manage?
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it's an important question to ask what part might I be playing?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: But by all means, let's debunk that myth that if my child is distressed or struggling or feeling pain, it's my fault and I have done something wrong.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, I can't let my child see my struggles, goes right along with number six.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that happens a lot with women who I work with is that as they begin to open up to the possibility that emotional discomfort isn't bad and that it's actually wise, and that there's a lot of value in allowing themselves to feel it, is that they have a sudden kickback and worry of, oh gosh, but I don't want my child to see me struggling.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'll just ask you this question and pause so you can answer it for yourself.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: What's the what is the message that we send to our children when they never see us struggle?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: The message becomes struggling is bad.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't struggle.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you can replace the word struggle with feel discomfort or pain, have a hard time, feel hard emotions, right?
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then and what happens when we do that is we're setting our kids up for them to have their own set of guilt and shame and anxiety that comes when they feel their normal and appropriate human struggles.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: So from where I sit, it's an incredible gift for us to give our kids to allow them to see us struggle.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there is a big difference between transparency and authenticity.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: I do not believe it's helpful for us to be transparent with our children necessarily when we're struggling, meaning we don't need to tell them everything that we're thinking and feeling.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to tell them exactly what's happening in our lives.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: That is quite frankly too much for a small child to bear because most children in that situation will worry.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: They will feel that in some way it's their responsibility to take care of us.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not helpful.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: We want our kids to both understand that we can struggle and feel distress and be okay at the same time.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by be okay at the same time?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, we can reach out for the support we need.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: We can take care of ourselves.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a responsibility that our child has to take care of us.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: But authenticity is like, mommy, why are you crying?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: I am feeling really sad today.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of people cry when they're feeling sad.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Mommy, why are you stomping around?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: I am feeling really angry right now.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm finding it hard to remain patient.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling so much anger and I'm feeling a need to be loud right now.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Mommy, why are you X, Y, or Z?
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: I am feeling X, Y, or Z or A, B, or C because of this very valid reason.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to be taking care of myself so that I can move through this.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the one of the biggest gifts we can give our kids is modeling that for them.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, it all goes so quickly.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I should enjoy every moment.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, this is a tough one.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't expect yourself to enjoy every moment.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I want you to give so much permission to yourself right now to actually hate a lot of the moments that come with mothering.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I know, yes, hate.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a strong word, but they're also moments.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: It is literally impossible to enjoy moments that are not enjoyable.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have never met a human, a mother or a father, a person, a parent who enjoys the third hour of being up in the middle of the night with our child, who enjoys the repetitive why, why, why, why, why that our toddlers ask, or the tantrums, or changing poopy diapers, or um having less time available to do the things that you most want to do in those moments.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't try to enjoy every moment.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: It is, you know, been talked about, and I sort of love this metaphor that the first 10 years of life, it's like a roller coaster, right?
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: The first 10 years of being a mom, sorry, is like the roller coaster going uphill.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: Right, it's slow.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels like it's taking forever to get to the top.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And there's sort of this annoying anticipation, right?
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then at about age 10, that roller coaster car goes over the lip and the ledge and moves fast and it's spinny and it's quick.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then before you know it, that roller coaster car is coming to a stop at the end of the ride.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you might consider that stop to be when your child is an adult or goes off to college.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: So it can feel real slow in the beginning and then suddenly feel like it's moving very quickly.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: But it does not all go by so quickly.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you do not need to enjoy every moment.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission to not.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if anyone ever says that to you, it's often going to be the folks who are older who forget all the hard stuff.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: And they look at you and they say, doesn't it go by so quickly?
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy every moment.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose some funny little statement to say, not a rude statement, but some little statement to say that gives you permission to find the humor in that and um to let it go.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um you will not enjoy every moment of mothering.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: I promise.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Number nine, I can't do it all.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do it all.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: This statement usually comes into this idea of I can't both be good at my job and be a good mom.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do it all.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a deeply debated statement.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Is it possible to do it all?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's not possible to do it all.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why isn't it possible to do it all?
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want to say about this.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: From where I sit, it is possible to do it all as long as you're willing to do it all a little bit differently.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible to do it all as long as you're willing to do it all a little bit differently.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you believe that being a good mom means that you're around all the time, it's going to be really hard to both have a thriving career and to be a good mom.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you believe that in order to have a thriving career, you can't take time off and have reduced hours so that you can be around your children from time to time or when you want to, then you're not going to be able to do it all.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you are able to move some of the limiting beliefs out the out of the way that have been fueling your life up to this point, that have been fueling your definition of success, that have been fueling your definition of hard work and perseverance, that have been fueling your definition of a good mom.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you're willing to look at those really closely and challenge those beliefs, I'm telling you right now, it is possible to do it all.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible to feel good and to be healthy in your body and to have solid relationships with your partner and your friends and your children.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible to have a thriving, purpose-driven career that you care about, to make a lot of money or to make big change in the world, or to um to excel at a creative endeavor or a physical challenge and be available to your children.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: It is possible to have secure, deep, healthy relationships with your children and not be around all the time.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're walking around telling yourself, I can't do it all, I want you to really ask yourself, what do I mean by that?
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: What is my definition of doing it all?
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: And what are the beliefs I have about what I can and can't do and what's possible and not possible?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're willing to poke some holes in there, you're going to be able to turn this myth on its head.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10, mothering requires sacrifice of self.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, this is such a big one.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the those of us who are raising kids now are beginning to really understand that this idea of self-sacrifice can turn into martyrdom.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: And none of us want to be a martyr in motherhood.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I do think it is important to recognize that there are things that we need to do as moms.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: We all know this from preaching to the choir.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: There are things that we don't want to do as moms that we just do anyway.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: And there are things that we would love to do in our lives that we have done for most of our lives before becoming a mother that we have to let go of.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there's grief that comes with motherhood.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: So sacrificing what we most enjoy, of sacrificing um what we what what we find pleasure in, of sacrificing the world outside of motherhood in order to be a good mom.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want us to really challenge that.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: In order to mother well, we need to feel filled up first.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're sacrificing ourselves in order to be a good mom, we're going to be mothering from a place of emptiness and depletion.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it won't work.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Number 11, maternal and child mental health means I'm happy all the time and so is my child.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this kind of goes back into that other one, right?
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Where uh what did we say?
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: We said, if my child is distressed or struggling, it's my fault.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: So number 11 sort of goes back to that.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maternal and child mental health means I'm happy all the time and so is my child.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is a big myth that we need to debunk.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: Mental health doesn't mean that we're happy all the time.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: It means that we're willing to feel unhappy.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: The definition of mental health is that my internal emotional landscape and environment is matching what's happening externally.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, if something, if my child is giggling, if I am snuggling with my child, if I just received a promotion at work, if I just am standing outside with someone who I love, watching a sunset, if I'm eating something delicious, if if all those pleasurable things happen, if I'm mentally well, I'm going to access joy and fulfillment and content and excitement and enthusiasm.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: But it also means that if something uncertain is happening, I'm going to feel some anxiety.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: If someone is treating me poorly, I'm going to feel angry.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: If something disappointing happens, I'm going to feel disappointment.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: If something, I if if there is something goes away, I'm going to feel sad.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: So maternal and child mental health, mental health in general means that I'm willing to feel all of it.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: This goes for us as moms.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_00: This also goes for our children.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: So be mindful about thinking that something is wrong with your child when he or she is feeling angry, anxious, sad, disappointed, fill in the blank.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with feeling those emotions.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, there's going to be a very valid reason for feeling those emotions.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: And mental health means that we're willing to feel it all.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, number 12, in order to have a secure attachment with my child, I need to be available when my child wants and needs me.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is such a controversial one.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to start by helping us really understand the difference between a want and a need.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: What our children need from us is what our children need in general, right?
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: Is uh safety, security.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: So they need um warm shelter and clothing and food and love, right?
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_00: Stimulation, social support.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to be the ones to provide that for our children all the time.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to make sure there's that distinction.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: Our children need those things to be healthy and well, but we don't have to be the one that's providing those things all the time.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is when we look, open up our community for a village.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: We want our child to feel loved and cared for by many people.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: That is an incredible gift to our kids.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: To learn that we can be loved, that they can be loved and supported by many people.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: What our children need most from us is to feel seen, heard, and understood.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: To feel search, heard, and understood.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when our children feel seen, heard, and understood by us, they're gonna feel so loved by us.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna feel so safe with us.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna know that they can rely on us and trust us.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what a child needs.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: We can confuse wants and needs because we can think that when our child wants us to tuck them in at night, or when our child wants us to um show up at their soccer game, or when our child wants us to um uh give throw them a big birthday party.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, fill in the blank, right?
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those of us who are worried about our attachment with our children will worry that if we don't do those things, our child might feel abandoned by us and that we will be getting in the way of what's called a secure attachment.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is actually not fact.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay for our children to want us and be disappointed or want things from us and be disappointed when we don't provide them.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I would say that learning how to both be disappointed and stay in connection at the same time is an incredible skill and gift.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: To feel both sad and loved at the same time is an incredible gift.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: To feel both angry and loved and connected at the same time is an incredible gift.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: So secure attachment is not the same as attachment parenting.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: So there is a form of parenting out there called attachment parenting, um, which is very different than the science behind secure attachment.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: Attachment parenting is a parenting style where you might wear your baby all the time, baby-led parenting, right?
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_00: Feed your baby when your baby wants to feed, um, not let your baby cry.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's certainly one style of parenting that some people find valuable.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: In my experience, the the folks who I've worked with find that trying to be trying to parent and mother from an attachment parenting style creates a whole lot of anxiety because they can feel a lot of shame and guilt when they want to take breaks.
• 42:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to make sure that this five with this final um myth, there's we understand that there's a big difference between attachment parenting and secure attachment.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can be, we can be securely attached to our children.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can provide secure attachments for our children and not be available when our child wants us to be.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: We can both stay connected and be separate at the same time.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: Come find me on Instagram at Kate Kripke or at Motherhood Uncut Podcast and let me know what you think about these myths.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know what resonates.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know where you feel some resistance.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: And go on in there in at Motherhood Uncut Podcast and let's have a conversation about other myths that show up in motherhood so that we can debunk them together.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here today.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah, if you see yourself in this, please know that you're not alone.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: Please know that um you and many, many, many other women on this planet uh are moving through motherhood, believing a lot of these myths to be true.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm hoping we got to shake it up a little bit for you.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: All right, see you next time.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you loved this episode and enjoy this podcast, please just take a moment to subscribe, rate, and review, and send it to one mom out there who you think might benefit.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_00: When you do that, you help to make sure that no woman out there ever feels like they have to mother alone.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.