Latest / Internal Insights / Why You Say Yes at the Holidays
Transcript
- Ted Thao: Hey, I'm Ted Thao This is Internal Insights. I'm a licensed professional counselor, which means I spend most of my weeks listening closely to people work through the hardest parts of being alive. This podcast is where I take what I'm hearing without any names or identifying details and open it up into a conversation for anyone willing to think a little harder about themselves and the world around them. There's a moment most of us know well. You're standing in the kitchen with a plate in your hands, and you already feel yourself getting smaller, saying yes to things you don't really mean, just so the afternoon can get through without a scene. If you've ever sat in your car in the driveway for a few minutes before going inside, you know that feeling. Maybe you were checking your phone. Maybe you were just breathing. Either way, part of you was getting ready for something. The holidays come with a picture. It's the one on greeting cards in the commercials where everyone is laughing around a full table, the kids are happy, and nobody brings up last year. Then there's a table you actually walk up to with the people who know exactly which buttons to push and the conversations that always seem to land in the same place. Those two pictures are Most never match, and the gap between them creates a lot of pressure. A survey from the American Psychological Association found that half of adults felt pressure to keep the peace, keeping the traditions going, and create perfect memories during the holidays. That's a heavy list to carry into your room full of people who may not be easy to be around. Most families don't write down expectations, they just know the rules, and everybody quietly agrees to follow them. Here's what I want you to know. That pull that keeps the piece usually isn't a character flaw. For many of us, it was learned early on, long before we had words for it. Maybe calm was what kept things safe at home. Maybe being easygoing was how to stay loved and how to stay out of the middle of an argument. Those strategies made sense back then. And it makes sense that they'd show up again when everyone gathers around the same table. I get asked a version of this question a lot. Why do I agree to everything at the holidays and then spend the rest of the week feeling resentful? This is usually the point where someone starts wondering something out loud, so I take it seriously. The short answer is that the yes works in the moment. It keeps the room quiet. It keeps your mom from getting upset, and it keeps your uncle for raising his voice over the football game. The cost just shows up later. Usually a few days after everyone's gone home and the home is finally yours again. That resentment isn't proof that you're bad at family. It's information. It's a part of you telling you to That something was asked of you that you didn't really want to give. So, the goal isn't to stop yourself from ever saying yes. Sometimes yes is the right answer, and you can choose it on purpose. The goal is to catch the yes as it's happening. Try asking yourself quietly what you're agreeing to and what you're what it's going to cost you. You might find you were only trying to keep everyone comfortable. Including yourself. And that gives you a little more room to decide what you actually want to do. Next time you feel that small yes rising up in your chest, see if you can pause long enough to notice it. You don't have to fix the whole table in one afternoon. Just noticing is where the choice starts. That's where I'll leave it for today. You don't have to agree with everything I said, but I'd invite you to sit with it a little longer before you move on to whatever is next. I'm Ted Thao this has been Internal Insights. And if you want to learn more about my work, you can find me at internal insights therapy dot com. Take care, and I'll talk to you next time.