Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #30: Teaching Our Children to be Respectful

Transcript

#30: Teaching Our Children to be Respectful · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's Podcast with doctor Justin Kilson.
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  Speaker 1: We are Lukin, Susie, and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: time poor parents who just want answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, this one we're looking at today is about teaching
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  Speaker 2: our children to be.
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  Speaker 1: Respectful kids these days.
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  Speaker 2: Su Well, this is the line that goes around.
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  Speaker 1: Isn't that I was their age? It's our doctor Justin.
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to the show.
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  Speaker 3: Hi Luke, Hi Susie.
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  Speaker 1: Have you ever said it? Have you ever thought it?
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  Speaker 1: Have you ever felt it that kids were losing losing
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  Speaker 1: the art of respect today?
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  Speaker 3: No, because I know how much of a rat bag
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  Speaker 3: I was when I was Yeah, honestly, I hear it
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  Speaker 3: all the time, and it drives me mad. We've got
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  Speaker 3: we've got some great quotes from you know, from back
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  Speaker 3: in William Shakespeare's day, let alone last decade or last
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  Speaker 3: generation and even further if they can be attributed correctly,
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  Speaker 3: where people are bemoaning youth these days and saying how
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  Speaker 3: terrible they are and how they're so disrespectful and they're
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  Speaker 3: Shakespeare called it wonging the ancient tree, that is being
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  Speaker 3: disrespectful to their elders. I think that what we, unfortunately
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  Speaker 3: do was grown ups as we judge our children based
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  Speaker 3: on our current level of maturity rather than theirs. And
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  Speaker 3: it's not fair to the kids. I mean, they're kids,
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  Speaker 3: for crying out. Do they need to be respectful? Yes
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  Speaker 3: they do. Will they learn it, yes they will, But
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  Speaker 3: they're much more likely to learn it when we actually
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  Speaker 3: show it ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, that's very bad.
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  Speaker 3: Let me tell you, Susie, I know a lot of
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  Speaker 3: adults who really struggle to show high levels of respect,
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  Speaker 3: especially on the road or in shops, or when their
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  Speaker 3: own children are being disrespectful.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, that is so true. We can often be very
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  Speaker 2: short tempered. We can that road rage just definitely an
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  Speaker 2: issue that you see out that, even if it's just
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  Speaker 2: within the car. But the kids see it. They soak
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  Speaker 2: up everything, don't they.
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  Speaker 3: I remember, for my poor dad, I can't believe I'm
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  Speaker 3: putting him in this. I remember still so vividly this
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  Speaker 3: experience that I had with my dad. I was sitting
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  Speaker 3: in the back seat in the car, I reckon I
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  Speaker 3: was about six years old, and somebody upset him. You know,
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  Speaker 3: we're going back before the days of road rage. We're
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  Speaker 3: going back to the nineteen seventies, nineteen early in nineteen
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  Speaker 3: eighties perhaps, and somebody kicked my dad off and they
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  Speaker 3: blasted their horn at him. And I remember, I mean,
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  Speaker 3: he's such a passive, quiet, peaceful guy, but he actually
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  Speaker 3: reached out over between the two seats and out in
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  Speaker 3: the back window, and he was given him the forks,
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  Speaker 3: because back in those days it was the forks. There
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  Speaker 3: wasn't just one, there was two things. And I remember thinking, oh,
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  Speaker 3: my goodness, like this is serious stuff, and it's only
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  Speaker 3: gotten worse, especially on the roads. But the whole thing is,
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  Speaker 3: you know, as adults, we struggle to be respectful. I
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  Speaker 3: was running a workshop in a school, so I traveled
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  Speaker 3: the country. I do workshops in schools and organizations, and
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  Speaker 3: I talk all about relationships, and in this particular school,
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  Speaker 3: I was giving a talk on respect for relationships. And
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  Speaker 3: as I left the school or having just had this
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  Speaker 3: wonderful day with the staff talking about how we can
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  Speaker 3: create a respectful culture, I overheard a teacher saying to
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  Speaker 3: a student, that's it. I've had enough. If you can't
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  Speaker 3: respect me, well that's too bad. I demand that you
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  Speaker 3: show me some respect. And I thought to myself, she
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  Speaker 3: wasn't listening to what I said, because how ironic that
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  Speaker 3: we're asking for respect in such a disrespectful way.
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  Speaker 1: And do you feel like there is a slight interpretation
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  Speaker 1: change of culture from one generation to the next of
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  Speaker 1: what respect looks like and that could be part of
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  Speaker 1: the problem too. How I respect you as a younger
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  Speaker 1: person is different to how you respected somebody thirty years ago.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so. And we also confuse respect with obedience.
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  Speaker 3: You know, you're being respectful when you do as I say,
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  Speaker 3: but that's not always. That's not always going to work.
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  Speaker 3: Sometimes our children have got reasonable reasons for not wanting
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  Speaker 3: to obey us and expecting pure compliance and absolute obedience.
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  Speaker 3: That's not always respectful on our part, and sometimes it's
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  Speaker 3: unfair to our children to mix the two.
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  Speaker 1: Now, Sue, we're going to sort of take a little
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  Speaker 1: bit of a turn in the conversation just a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: I've got a specific question for a specific group of
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  Speaker 2: parents when it comes to this whole area of teaching
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  Speaker 2: our kids' respect.
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  Speaker 1: More on that next with our guest doctor Justin Colson.
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  Speaker 4: Everyone wants their family to be happy, but so much
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: gets in the way. Work, stress, commitments, and our children's
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: challenging behavior are some of the usual suspects and we
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: can all tidy up our parenting style and get clearer
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: about what we'll actually make our family happier. Twenty one
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: Days to a Happier Family is the best selling parenting
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: book by doctor Justin Coulson, with answers to both common
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: and complicated parenting problems. Combining cutting edge scientific insights with
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: real examples of family life in the trenches. You'll find
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: dozens of strategies for making your family happier. Twenty one
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  Speaker 4: Days to a Happier Family available online and from booksellers
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  Speaker 4: everywhere and at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Kills and
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie.
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  Speaker 2: And we are talking about teaching kids respect and we
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  Speaker 2: want our children, obviously to learn to be respectful, and
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  Speaker 2: we know that they learn that through what is modeled
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  Speaker 2: to them. Children catch a lot more than through what
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  Speaker 2: they see than what they necessarily are taught by our
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  Speaker 2: own words. But I wanted to talk to you about
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  Speaker 2: a specific group of parents, Justin, because Luke and I
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  Speaker 2: we have a son with a speech issue and he
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  Speaker 2: has been diagnosed with social anxiety, and I've got a
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  Speaker 2: number of friends with children on this autism spectrum who
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  Speaker 2: talk about the same kind of symptoms in their children.
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  Speaker 2: Of whenever an adult addresses them, they don't look them
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  Speaker 2: in the eye, they don't respond verbally, They tend to
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  Speaker 2: put their head down, they look away, they don't engage
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  Speaker 2: at all. And I know that for the generation of
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  Speaker 2: my parents' generation, that would be considered incredibly disrespectful to
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  Speaker 2: not respond to a question that an adult has asked.
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  Speaker 2: How do we, as parents with children dealing with a
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  Speaker 2: social anxiety kind of, I guess emotionally navigate that with
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  Speaker 2: our kids. It's an anxiety issue for.
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  Speaker 3: Them, Yeah, and we can become anxious about it ourselves.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, there's not a lot that you can do it.
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  Speaker 3: It's not just kids that are on the spectrum or
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  Speaker 3: kids with anxiety either. There are some cultural issues as well.
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  Speaker 3: In some cultures, it's considered disrespectful for a child to
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  Speaker 3: look at an adult or to speak back to them, So,
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  Speaker 3: you know, it's a little bit broader than that, and
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  Speaker 3: I think what we really need to do is parents
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  Speaker 3: give ourselves a break. Most people, especially when they're dealing
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  Speaker 3: with a child, if the child is perhaps perceived as
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  Speaker 3: being a little bit disrespectful. Most people will shrug their
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  Speaker 3: shoulders and say, huh, funny kid, that one, and move on.
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  Speaker 3: As our children get older and they mature, maybe once
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  Speaker 3: they get to ten or twelve or even fifteen, if
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  Speaker 3: we continually work with them and we're patient with them
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  Speaker 3: and we're respectful towards them, they will eventually start to
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  Speaker 3: get it. You know. He can use those moments as
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  Speaker 3: teaching moments and we can help them. But please, you know,
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  Speaker 3: if you're that kind of if you're a parent with
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  Speaker 3: a child with those kinds of challenges, or a parent
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  Speaker 3: from a culture where it's just not the done thing,
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  Speaker 3: go easy on yourself and maybe smile apologetically at somebody
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  Speaker 3: if they don't like what's going on, and just give
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  Speaker 3: it time because eventually it will work itself out.
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  Speaker 1: The interesting thing is when we've had a situation with
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  Speaker 1: that with Ruyden and he's not spoken and the person
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  Speaker 1: who want to say, look now, Royden, don't be disrespectful
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  Speaker 1: when someone says hello, You need to say hello, and
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  Speaker 1: we try and teach him in this process and they go, oh.
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  Speaker 5: No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
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  Speaker 1: Don't worry about it.
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  Speaker 5: Don't wry about it's fine, and they try and avoid it,
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  Speaker 5: but I'm like, I'm not actually doing this moment for them, Like,
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  Speaker 5: whether you get upset or offended at my son not
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  Speaker 5: talking to you is beside any point that I have
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  Speaker 5: at that moment.
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  Speaker 1: It's just a time for me to teach him about
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  Speaker 1: behavior that he is what we want to have him
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  Speaker 1: do with his anxiety. If we allow him to actually
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  Speaker 1: avoid the situation, then he wins and the anxiety wins,
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  Speaker 1: and we don't break the patterns, and so it's important
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  Speaker 1: for me. So I love it when we've had another
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  Speaker 1: adult and you know that they understand what you're doing
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  Speaker 1: when instead of saying no, no, no, no, it's fine, they
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  Speaker 1: stand there and they wait and they just wait for
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  Speaker 1: you to get him to say hello, and then they go, oh,
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  Speaker 1: thank you so much for saying hello, and that's it.
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  Speaker 1: They know to let you go through that process.
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  Speaker 3: It's a really nice example. And at the same time,
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  Speaker 3: I think we should be mindful of the context, because
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  Speaker 3: while that is a really great example, there may be
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  Speaker 3: some situations where that may not be the best thing,
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  Speaker 3: and in which case we can pause and we can think,
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  Speaker 3: we can talk about this later. We can talk about
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  Speaker 3: this in the cart because it might be a little
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  Speaker 3: bit too anxiety inducing in some circumstances. I think we've
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  Speaker 3: got to take each one on its measures. But I
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  Speaker 3: like that example. I think it's definitely a nice one.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we always love the wisdom that you bring to
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  Speaker 2: us and just that whole take it easy on yourself
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  Speaker 2: mentality that you bring to us as parent, Doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: You can find a stack of resources at happy families
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  Speaker 2: dot com dot au. Thank you so much for your time.
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  Speaker 3: It's great talking to you guys.
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  Speaker 2: And if you're interested in having doctor Justin Coulson speak
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  Speaker 2: at your school or your organization, you can find that
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  Speaker 2: at Justinculson dot com.