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34: The Gift w/ McKenna Reitz · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  Welcome back to the Heart of Life podcast. I'm Kelly Siegel. In November of 2015, today's guest's world was changed permanently. Her mindset towards this life-changing event is what we're going to share with you all today and is earth-moving.
• 0:30
  How would you respond to losing all your hair? This is precisely what this beautiful, bold, and badass McKenna Wrights faced. If you are listening to this on Spotify or iTunes, head over to YouTube and watch this remarkable story. Her story is incredible and resonates with me due to my 14-year-old daughter that is still filled up from the outside in. McKenna, welcome to the Heart and Life show. Thank you so much for coming in today. Thank you so much for having me, Kelly. It is such an honor to be with you today.
• 0:58
  I obviously love you. Your energy is just contagious. I'm blessed that you're so close to me. So I love you so much. I'm grateful you're in my life.
• 1:09
  The floor is yours. Tell the people your story and why it's vital that we all listen. Wow. First off, let's talk about energy and the energy that you exhibit every single day is just, you know, it brings such a light to people and especially to my life ever since I've met you. You know, I used to look at myself as just an average person. I used to just introduce myself. My name is McKenna Wright. I'm just a teacher. I don't really belong at a table. Yeah.
• 1:35
  which is very interesting. But I taught for 18 years. I teach AP psychology, coach varsity volleyball, mom of two, wife of an incredible husband. And since five years old, I was always known for my hair, which is really ironic, but I was always known for my hair. It was thick, long, beautiful. All the moms wanted my hair. And we had our youngest Maddox in May of 2015. And...
• 2:04
  August 1 is when volleyball starts in the state of Ohio. So, AKA stress was starting to happen in my life. And I started teaching and I noticed that my shoulders were covered with a bunch of hair. And I was really curious, you know, why. I thought it was just postpartum hair loss. And so, I went to a dermatologist and they said, McKenna, you could have something called alopecia and you could lose all your hair.
• 2:25
  And as a woman, as anybody, that's the last thing you ever want to hear. But I almost thought, you know, there's no way it would be possible. So they gave me some topical cream to slow it down. Volleyball scenes and ends. We take family pictures November 1st for our Christmas card. My youngest is four months old. My oldest is three years old. And by the end of the week, I'm sitting in the shower with my hands full of hair.
• 2:46
  It was that quick. And I was in complete disbelief. I felt as though, you know, my identity was being ripped away from me. And within three weeks, 90% of my hair was gone. And my life forever changed. And, I mean, that's just the beginning of the story. But, you know, you have a choice. And I made the choice to continue fighting every day.
• 3:16
  If you're watching this, I've heard this story several times, but it just never fully sinks in until you put yourself in that situation. And I'm sitting here across from you and it's just, you know, every day is a gift. And that's why they tell you to be present. But we wake up and we argue and we bicker or we're mad at the slightest of little things. I mean, I lost a huge deal yesterday and I,
• 3:43
  Didn't think anything of it. But that comes from a lot of work. So this is where I want to go into is you talk about mindset being everything. So and you even flipped it on your in your TED talk to say how it only takes you 10 minutes to get ready in the morning. Hair is not our identity. Talk about that. Go deep into that mindset because that's everything in this world.
• 4:05
  I feel like as human beings, we are constantly surrounded on social media. I mean, we were just talking. We are putting ourselves out there, and the problem is that we're constantly comparing ourselves. We're comparing ourselves to other people. We're comparing our journeys. We're comparing our chapters, and that's not what we're able to do. What we should do is just be inspired by one another. And when we try to be this perfect person,
• 4:31
  and emanate it to our daughters, our children, our friends who we're sitting across from, what we need to understand is that we all have a story, that we're all battling something. My story just happens to be visible. And so I have the opportunity, I have this gift where I get to walk every single day into the grocery store, into this room, into, you know, down the street, where everyone believes that I'm suffering something, but they know I have a story.
• 4:59
  And so I take advantage of that to empower others. And what I want people to understand is that, you know, so many people say, I wish I was as strong as you, McKenna. What they don't understand is the journey I have been through to get to this point. And that's why I make sure that on my social media, in life, I'm as vulnerable and authentic as possible to make sure that we're speaking our true story. My story, it was a very dark storm.
• 5:26
  We all have dark storms. Every, you know, just even driving here today, you know, we're dealing with construction. You can talk about it as a challenge, but it's your choice. Construction's out of my control. What is in my control is how I respond to it. And so when I lost my hair...
• 5:43
  I went into a very dark place. Depression set in. Because I did, I felt as though my identity was ripped away from me. Who was I going to be? Was my husband still going to love me? How am I going to be a mother to my daughters? How am I going to empower my daughters to love their own reflection when I couldn't love my own reflection?
• 6:06
  How was I going to be the teacher that I was and wanted to be? And so my choice was that I'm just going to still wake up every single day. My mom asked me, McKenna, how are you getting out of bed every day? I said, there's no other choice. There's no other choice. I still have to wake up. It doesn't mean that my days were great, but I was still showing up. I was still going all in, but my all in was just getting out of bed. And we don't have to run through a brick wall every single day. If you're just getting out of bed,
• 6:34
  And that is you're all in. I'm applauding you. I am literally here applauding you because every day is going to be different. Every day is going to bring you a different challenge. And you either allow it to define you or you to define it.
• 6:50
  And I was allowing alopecia, and that's what I was diagnosed with, to define me. How I was responding as a mom. How I was not taking pictures for my daughter's first Christmas. How I was not interacting or going on wanting to go on dates with my husband because I was embarrassed of who I was and what I, you know, my reflection. But once I started to define it...
• 7:12
  I started taking control of my life. And I live by a quote, Captain Jack Sparrow, the problem is not the problem, the problem is the attitude about the problem. When you realize... I was hoping you were going to say that. When you realize that there are some things in your life, there's a lot of things in your life that you are out of control of. But as human beings, again, we want to be in control. When we're not in control, we'll do anything in order to be in control. And we will waste so much energy...
• 7:41
  to be in control. But when we take a step back and we say it out loud and say, I am not in control of the construction. I'm not in control of other human beings. I'm not in control of growing my hair. What I am in control of is how I react to it, is my attitude towards it. So it was seven out of seven bad days to six out of seven to five out of seven. So every single day it got a little bit easier every single day, but you have to give yourself a grace period.
• 8:10
  You have to give yourself time to be weak. And when you recognize that weakness, that's when you are truly, truly strong. Because you're recognizing your weaknesses. Because we all have weaknesses, we all have strengths, and when we can recognize our weaknesses, that's when I'm going to surround myself like people like you who are my weaknesses to provide me with that strength. That's going to build me up.
• 8:34
  And that's, you know, surrounding ourselves with people that are going to empower us allows us and helps us to, you know, continue to grow that mindset. We're eight minutes in and I'm ready to fall on the floor.
• 8:49
  you're remarkable and just beautiful inside and out. I love you. Uh, you're inspirational. I hope I'm going to, my daughter's going to listen to this. She's thinks the world of you. She's like, Oh my God, McKenna's coming. And I was like, yeah, she's so beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. You're beautiful. I have so many gems that you just said that your visible gift, and then you said vulnerability and, uh,
• 9:14
  empower others. You know, you hear my posts and I talk about vulnerability. That's literally all I'm doing. I'm just putting out there what's going on on the inside with me. And people think, oh my God, how do I do what you do? Well, just be vulnerable. So I applaud you. And I also want to talk to the audience and say,
• 9:33
  You can do this. And you're right. Yours is on display. I put mine on display. And the beauty part about vulnerability is it separates the people that are for you and that aren't for you. I say I was beat as a child. Some people are going to make fun of that. And they're not my people. Thank you. Goodbye. Some people are like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. How did you overcome it? Boom. There's my people. Let's have a conversation.
• 9:59
  That's what's, that's the worst part about it is not everybody's going to be for you and that's okay. And then I loved your take on some days you only got 50% to give. And if you give all 50%, you gave it. You have a hundred percent. I love that. And it isn't built in a day. It took years for you to be where you are. And I applaud you.
• 10:20
  I had a couple of questions, follow-up questions on that. I wrote down comparison as the thief of joy. What's your take on that? You said comparison. So what's your take on that?
• 10:32
  Being a female, you know, I'm going to take it from the female perspective. When we become more conscientious, you know, we go through stages of development. And, you know, when you start school, you start to compare yourself. You start to compare your abilities and your inabilities. You start to compare grades. You start to compare I got a star versus you didn't get a star. And you start to compare.
• 10:55
  And it's an innate thing because we want to show our superiority and we want to hide our inferiority. And so it's this inferiority complex where we are going to hide our weaknesses and try and show our strengths in order to overcome. But the problem is, is that the weaknesses we're comparing to other people's strengths.
• 11:20
  And there has to be this balance in life to understand that everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. But it's not until...
• 11:30
  we become conscientious of what we are surrounding ourselves with. You make the choice to go on social media every single day. You make the choice to make that judgment. You make that choice to compare that post. And I talk about this in my TEDx because I talk with youth all the time. That that post that you're going to compare the rest of your life to, it took them 20 takes, the perfect filter, and the confidence to post it.
• 11:59
  And now you're going to compare your entire ability, physical, emotional, social, to that one post. And so it's just drained everything from you.
• 12:11
  And so for me, you know, when I have other people who are dealing with hair loss and are comparing their journey to my journey, like I said, when they say they're so strong, I said, you are just as strong, if not stronger, because you're still here fighting every single day. And so that's when you have to get rid of the comparison, because everyone's journey is complete. Everyone's paths in life are completely different. You and I, our paths are completely different.
• 12:42
  but it's brought us together and inspired us to continue fighting every damn day. And that's what combined, that's what binds us the fight that we're in the fight. And it's funny because you said weaknesses, uh, it's difficult times and weaknesses and darkness that actually bonds us. So when was this country the most united right after we
• 13:12
  we think weakness is a bad thing. If we talked about our struggles, we would bond with the, we have talked about our struggles. That's why we bond so much. And yet we, the, the overwhelming majority of people want to hide that. So I am to empower McKenna and Kelly. I would tell you, talk about your weaknesses. It, it bonds you faster than your, your, your strengths. Oh, great. You're a beautiful person.
• 13:39
  congratulations oh you're good at math congratulations well you know what I'm afraid of this so am I what do you use to get through it I imagine the conversations that we can have said it a thousand times united we stand divided we fall and yet we're so quickly to tear each other apart and that's why I love your message but I love your message I think women rule the world and you guys have the toughest job in the world
• 14:03
  and you have to bear children, and you make the world go around. So I am...
• 14:10
  infinitely attracted to the, to the feminine. And I just think that you exude feminine beauty and softness and still got the masculine, I get oomph, the mensch kite. But it also takes, you know, it comes from the women before us and it comes from the men before us who have supported us through this journey. You know, I look at my mom and she's the biggest bad-ass woman ever.
• 14:36
  My rock who, you know, she's going to kill me, but grew up in the fifties to the sixties. You know, she was for me, one of the original badasses who is, you know, separating and standing tall and proving herself next to the men. And then you go to my grandmother's part of the greatest generation who kept the households up.
• 14:58
  you know together during world war ii and during all the wars and so it's all the women before us who have empowered us but it's also the men by our side and so it's it's not just women rule the world men rule the world we have to do this together and we've been doing it together we just have to everyone needs to understand that
• 15:19
  it's crazy time with social media and it's, it sends it like, it tends to divide us again and it should bring us together. So we're going to be known as the, we kept, we kept our family together during the, you know, the, the likes, the dislikes and the hate on the social media. But, um,
• 15:35
  I believe everything, I like to spin everything positive. There's much, much positive. Your story gets out, my story gets out, and then we do realize we find our tribe. So social media isn't as bad as we make it out to be, but when you're trying to do, this is what the story is, is when you're trying to seek external validation and you're looking at how many likes and how many people looked at this, and just do you and get everything we require
• 16:03
  is inside us. And that's what this gift is teaching you. And the best part about it is you're teaching everybody else. And you could have sat at home and not shared it with the world. And yet here you are, which is what our next question is about is, uh, be certain to watch, uh,
• 16:22
  Her TED Talk, it's named Having a Bad Hair Day. Love that, by the way. You just said that your mom's a badass. I think you're a rock star. What's next for you? You just resigned from teaching. I did. And you're going full. Let me not steal it. Just what's next? What's next?
• 16:38
  And this is, you know, my first time really, I mean, I put it out there publicly, but last Friday was my last day teaching. I taught for 18 years teaching AP psychology and AP psychology. Yeah. And, you know, teaching that class and every single student that walked in and out of my classroom is my reason for being where I am right now.
• 17:00
  being able to teach a class that is all about life, I use a hashtag, Psych is Life. It is. There's over 700 terms that my students had to know for the AP exam. And every single term you can relate to life. And when you can relate and apply it to your own life, it gives you a deeper understanding, not only of the term, but of yourself. And so while I've been teaching this class over the past 18 years,
• 17:28
  It has allowed me, especially during my very dark storms, to almost have, I felt like I was giving a TEDx talk every single day in my class. And I just get to talk about life and have discussions. And that's where my vulnerability, we talk about vulnerability, you know, really opened up. Everyone's always like, when was the moment in your journey? The moment was in November when I was losing my hair.
• 17:52
  I was standing in front of my AP psych students. My hair was receding back. I wore a headband to cover up the bald spots. My ponytail is almost nonexistent. And I stood in front of my students and I said, I'm starting to look different. My hair is falling out and we don't know why. And that was it. Like I didn't, we didn't know 100% of physalopecia. We didn't know what was going on. But that moment of vulnerability gave me some breathing room, but it also gave my students a,
• 18:19
  you know, just that sigh of relief knowing that I was okay. Like physically I am healthy. Thankfully it was not the C word. It was not anything else, but that moment of vulnerability opened up and allowed me to be present with my students for them to know that teachers, cause you know, you grow up and you think your teachers live at school and they don't do anything else, but we have a life. And when they understand that they're not alone and that's what it's all about is my journey, what I've learned through my journey is,
• 18:47
  is that alopecia happened for me and not to me. I always said that alopecia gave me my purpose. It didn't give me my purpose. My purpose has always been there. Alopecia just showed me. I almost feel like it was God saying, okay, you haven't seen your own purpose. I'm going to show you your damn purpose. And so took away all my hair. It took me at least four years to go out bald.
• 19:11
  And now I have this greater purpose in life. I've been teaching in the classroom. Now I want to teach beyond the classroom. I want to fill stages. I want to empower others as I'm just walking in the grocery store, walking confidently me, knowing that nothing is going to hold me down. And I hope that it empowers the next person who is battling something. And they're saying, damn, she can get there. So can I. You went there. So I'm going to go there. Two things.
• 19:40
  The universal signs. Yeah. All too often, and I talk a lot about toxins and harmful behaviors and choices. The universe gives you signs. And I can look back to all the times that God or the universe were source, whatever you want to call it, was telling me to stop drinking. And I ignored every one of them.
• 20:05
  And I'm sure that you can look back and see signs where it's like, hey, McKenna, you're an AP psych teacher. This is what you're supposed to be doing. And yet you didn't empower it. And then they gave you the ultimate, which I don't think, what I'm getting at is,
• 20:21
  to the listeners, don't wait to lose your hair. Don't wait to hit rock bottom. Pay attention to the signs that the universe, God, is giving you because they're there and they're loud as can be. And I'm sure you can relate to that. And I'm sure you had signs. I want to argue, or I don't want to argue, I want to get, you touched on it, it took you four years to go out without being bald.
• 20:48
  I would, I love the vulnerability with your students, but talk to me about the first time you walked out without a wig. Because that, to me, is the ultimate courageous. I would argue that that was the moment that you were you.
• 21:04
  So it really started, my daughter was three, so it was a couple months before I went out without a wig. And I remember we had some sort of function. Our family gets back into the car. I rip my wig off because they're extremely uncomfortable, very hot. And my youngest, Maddox, said to me, and she was only about three, and she says, Mom, I can't wait to be an adult and take my hair off too. I love that. Right? And I stood there, and I'm like, wow. Wow.
• 21:33
  That's how she sees it. She sees that being an adult, you get to take your hair off. And that is the coolest thing that my mom gets to do where I am using my wigs to hide, to just blend in so people don't see my story.
• 21:52
  And it was just the universe saying, they send these little kids to show you. What are you doing? And so that summer I went to Seattle and my mom flew out with me. We went to the national Alpecia Arata foundations, national conference. And so it was my first time I was surrounded by other baldies. Like I was no longer the only woolly mammoth. There are, there are thousands and millions of us.
• 22:14
  And I still had my hat on. And I was the first day I was wearing it. And, you know, I'm looking around and saying, I just want to do it. I just want to do it. And I remember working out the next morning, had my hat on. I always wear my underarm hat, even when I'm working out. And I said to myself, there's no better time. There's no better place.
• 22:35
  but here. So I walk into my hotel room. I told my mom, today's the day. I'm walking out without my wig on, without my hat. I'm just like, are you sure? Moms are always worried and very caring and concerned and worried about their daughters. And I said, I'm doing it. Grab my bag, put my hat in, of course, having your security blanket. I walked to the elevator. Walking down that hallway was the scariest thing. I get into the elevator. I'm on the eighth floor. I press the level floor,
• 23:04
  I just wanted to make it to the down floor. We stopped at every damn floor. And people got on every freaking floor. And I just, my anxieties through the roof. I am just not knowing what to do. But no one looked at me differently. Because everyone knew what alopecia was. They either had it themselves or have a family member that has it. And I was just another person on the elevator. And I felt so secure and so loved and so supported that I walked off that elevator and never looked back.
• 23:33
  I have the chills. On all my hardships, and everything's called harder than life, I don't think I've ever faced.
• 23:42
  anything like that publicly. And I applaud you. Thank you. And I think that you're, I just, the world of you, and it just keeps getting stronger and stronger. And since you're so close to me, we're going to do a lot of things together. And I just, I'm one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest fan. I, I just having a 14 year old daughter and just what you're doing is just, it's just so important to the world. Thank you for being you. Thank you. On your website, your tagline states, um,
• 24:11
  I believe we can reframe life challenges into gifts and opportunities and thrive. Besides what you've already said, how can the listeners channel this? It goes back to stating the problem. What is the problem? What is the challenge? What is it that is in front of you right now? And what you have to do is first say, am I in control of it or am I not in control of it?
• 24:38
  If you're in control of it, damn it, be in control of it. Like take control, do whatever you need to do to make it happen. But most of the time it's not out of, it's out of your control. And so what you need to focus on is the attitude, is your mindset. And it's finding the silver lining. So as I've talked about,
• 24:57
  It does take me 10 minutes to get dressed in the morning. It takes me 10 minutes to get ready in the morning. You are never going to know how old I am. I never have to shave. Life is so much easier. I'm going to Florida next week and we're saying it's going to be humid. I don't have to worry about that anymore. My hair used to just frizz out and it was terrible. Now I'm never having a bad hair day. Never having a bad hair day. But it's finding those silver linings. There's always going to be the silver linings. It's seeing this universe talk to us.
• 25:27
  And when you can recognize that, become conscientious of it, that is when you're understanding it happened for you. And then it creates that domino effect of allowing us to see what opportunities lay ahead of me. Just like the opportunity when I was at the grocery store wearing a hat and people coming up to me and saying, are you going through treatment? Can I pray for you? And I would say, thankfully, I don't have cancer. I have something called alopecia, but please pray for those that do.
• 25:55
  But then I realized that this is my opportunity to educate people, to educate people about alopecia, because it does affect 6.8 million Americans. It does not discriminate versus age, gender, ethnicity, religion. And more and more people that I can educate, then maybe I can reframe their mindsets of immediately thinking the negative is,
• 26:16
  Let's see the positive in people for our initial reaction. And let's implicitly see positivity rather than negativity. And so it gave me a purpose during my dark storm of bringing awareness. So I teamed up with the Cleveland Indians and the Toledo Mudhens and, you know, put on galas and golf outings. But because it allowed me to focus on the positive of my story rather than negative. And so everyone has a challenge.
• 26:44
  Find the reason why it happened for you. It's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen within a couple weeks. It could. But take the time. Take the time to get through the dark storm because I promise you, not only is there light, but you're going to thrive just as you and I are doing every damn day. I didn't know 6.8 million Americans. That's a lot. Wow. That's creating awareness. So if you don't think it can happen to you, whoo.
• 27:14
  I just heard this over the weekend, and it's so simple, I got to share it. It's your mind to set. You can set your own mind. Why not set it positive? And you've obviously done that. I've got to ask you a question, because obviously the world knows about Jada Pinkett Smith and all the drama that went on with that. How has that created good?
• 27:41
  goofy conversations for you because she doesn't seem to be accepting it the way you have. And it's not fair. I don't know her from anybody, but I just, it just seems to be, she, it feels like every time she's on it, it's more of a victim mentality, even though she's killing it in the universe.
• 28:00
  So I had known that she had alopecia before because I've been following her for a long time, watching Red Table Talk, everything. So I knew. And so she had just a strip. So she has areata, which is just spots on your head that you lose hair. Where I have universalis, which means I have zero hair on my entire body anywhere.
• 28:18
  So wait, let's hear that again. Areata. So, yep, alopecia areata. I didn't know that because it creates awareness. So I like to educate the listeners. So alopecia areata is just bald spots randomly on the head. Then there's totalis, which is losing hair on your entire head. Then there's universalis, which is losing hair on your entire body. So, like, I don't have eyelashes, eyebrows, nose hairs, which...
• 28:38
  Oh, right. No boogers. No boogers. No boogers fall out of your nose and you don't even know it. Like that's the crazy thing. There's our clip for social media. Let's talk about boogers. No boogers. Boogers fall out. But, you know, and so I already knew that. And so I remember watching the Oscars. I was laying in bed because it's late Sunday night. I have to get up early. And I remember watching Will Smith go up there and hit...
• 29:06
  Chris Rock. I didn't know what was going on. I thought it was just. I thought it was staged. Right. I thought it was staged too. And then I woke up and read everything. I remember going to work out and I was so, I had to leave my workout because it was so, I was so significantly impacted by it because again, other people believe that you understand everyone's story.
• 29:29
  You don't know. You don't know what's going on. So, for example, when I was losing my hair, I prayed every night that either I could wake up and my hair would be back or I would have the guts to be like G.I.J. Now, if you've never seen the movie G.I.J., you got to watch. Have you seen it?
• 29:46
  No, I'm not a big movie watcher. I watch movies with my daughter. 90s movie, Demi Moore. She's being trained as a Navy SEAL. One of the only, I think it's a Navy SEAL. She's one of the only female to ever get in. So she's going through hell week. She has five minute break. She goes to the barbershop, has long hair because it's been in her face. Goes and just shaves her head. Complete badass. So that's what I said. I want to be G.I. Jane and have the guts to finally shave my head.
• 30:13
  But if someone in that period of time of my story, of my storm, would have said, you remind me of G.I. Jane, I would have been destroyed.
• 30:24
  You don't know where people are on their journey unless they are completely open and honest about it like I am. So you if you called me G.I.J. today, I would say, let's go. Like that is the biggest compliment of my life right now, because that's what I want. I want to exude that confidence and that being that badass. But she was not at that moment.
• 30:46
  in her journey to be able to be referred to that. And if you're not on that level, so, you know, everyone asks me about this lab. I won't talk about this lab. I'm not going to tell you my, it's the same thing with political views. I'm not going to tell you my political views. What I'm going to tell you though, it brought alopecia into the news. It allowed me to bring more awareness. So that week I was in Forbes. I was able to give my opinion about alopecia and how it affects us.
• 31:13
  emotionally and socially more than just physically, because the medical insurance companies see alopecia and hair loss as it being cosmetic. And so getting wigs and having it covered by insurance, it's not happening because they only see as cosmetic. They don't understand the emotional toll, but they'll cover mental health. That's weird. I didn't know that. Yeah. But they don't see the correlation. Yeah.
• 31:44
  between hair loss and mental health. Correct. So that's been the advocates of... Especially their hair. Exactly. So that's, you know, and so that I've been, you have to look at the positives of the situation and it allowed me to continue advocating, bringing awareness and empowering others through the news, whether it was local or national. And so it was, you know, an incredible experience.
• 32:09
  You go, girl. I keep looking away because I'm making notes and I want to listen because I'm just captivated. I have a good friend that says, first seek to understand, then be understood. And then what I took away wasn't the alopecia from the Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith thing. It was emotional intelligence. I read Will's book, aptly named Will, and the entire book was fantastic. And I finished it and I went...
• 32:38
  There wasn't one article about her infidelity. And it made me, and then this happened. And I'm like, whoa, there's something here.
• 32:49
  You know, the questions that we should be asking and the questions that we need to ask ourselves sometimes are so obvious and we just don't do it. And I found it very ironic, again, that you were asking yourself to get your hair back. And it wasn't until you flipped to make me strong enough to be able to face this. That's the question that you should have been asking and that we all should be asking.
• 33:10
  It's the strength to encounter this thing called life. I just want to point that out because you slip that in there. So everybody wants to be rich. Everybody wants to be liked. How about the strength to love yourself? And that's your story. And I love that about you. But emotional intelligence is so important. That whole enmeshment, entanglement, and sleeping with her son's friend. But I would tell you,
• 33:40
  Her type of alopecia, I don't, I wouldn't want any of it. Cause you see my hair is insane everywhere. I wouldn't want any of it. You are a hero, but hers, I think the spots, she has a spots one. Yeah. But she shaved her head and she is. She's beautiful. Gorgeous. But then she opens her mouth and I'm not trying to be political, but that's embarrassing. And I feel for them and I would, I want them to have, I want everybody to be happy. And I just want them to have that uncomfortable conversation.
• 34:10
  Will just needs to love himself, which is the funniest thing about it. It's believe that you deserve it. And anyways, you recently held your first ever summit and it was tremendously successful. I was out of town. I missed it and I was so upset. What's next? You just quit your job. You're going full force. You just said you're going to be at a speaking engagement for a business. Obviously, you're not.
• 34:36
  uh you are going full force on this what do we call it personal development personal growth loving yourself journey tell me what the listeners should be out looking out for to book mckenna what's next we're gonna write a book what's going on
• 34:50
  I do have a book in the works. It is the early book proposal, but it's called Never Having a Bad Hair Day, Reframing Life Challenges and Gifts Opportunities. That is one of my top priorities is the book, but also just, you know, traveling the world. You know, that's my goal is one being at home more with my daughters.
• 35:10
  Being able to see them. How old are they? They are going to sixth grade and third grade, so 11 and eight. And I want to be there to take them to school. I want to be able to go to the school functions. I want to be there and be present when I haven't been able to because of, you know, only having X amount of personal days. And, you know, being a teacher yourself, it's very difficult to get away. So those are my, you know, my children and my family are my top priority.
• 35:36
  But the other priority is to continue allowing others to understand that you're not alone, that we all have a story, that we're all battling something. And I believe, you know, everyone always asks, who is your avatar? Right.
• 35:55
  My avatar is the world because I have the ability to connect, to be able to engage and to have these real life discussions and to be able to effectively talk to thousands of people but only talk to you. And I think that's my superpower, you know, is being able to reach the masses while only talking to one person.
• 36:21
  I can't say this enough. I think your superpower is that you're beautiful inside and out. And I don't know which one's more. I just, I love your eyelashes. I love it. I think you're beautiful. And I keep, I show everybody the picture and I have our picture. I love it. I love you. Just so glad you're here. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Who's been your, you said your world is your avatar. So who's been your major motivator in life?
• 36:50
  My parents. I was going to say, you said your mom. Yeah, my parents. Let's take them off the table. Is there somebody, because there's another person out there listening to this that is wearing a hat or masking something. And you want them to, and of course, you're going to be the next motivator for many people. You're a rocket ship.
• 37:12
  But I have a sneaky suspicion you're going to keep it very moderated because of family, which is I talk to our mutual friend all the time. I do that. I just it's more important. Money will always be there to make. So who would be your motivator that maybe is in the public? Maybe it's Jada. I don't know. Yeah.
• 37:33
  Um, you know, that's a great question. I look at myself during my dark storm. And so I look at, you know, my dark storms, my dark storm. It's not your dark storm. Your dark storm is your dark storm. Oh my God. And I, I'm speaking to that person, you know, Carl Jung, who's a really big psychologist who was great friends with Sigmund Freud said that the first 40 years of your life are just research.
• 38:01
  And I am a true, I just turned 41. And I'm a firm believer of that. You know, when I turned 40, I was excited. I remember when my parents turned 40 and they, you know, did the whole over the hill thing. Times have changed. And turning 40 was the first time, you know, in those months where I could look in the mirror and say, I am enough. I am beautiful. I love myself. It took me 40 years to discover self-love. Yeah.
• 38:32
  So I'm speaking to that 30-something-year-old who's still just treading water, is just trying to exist and not be content with what they're doing. And, you know, it's looking at teaching.
• 38:46
  Who's your social media? She's not listening to us. Look up. Macy. Hit her. Yes. Face down in the fold. Love yourself, girl. But it's talking to those. I get to volunteer coach with my husband and his college volleyball team. And being able to be that person for them.
• 39:04
  of helping them become that much more conscientious about themselves every single day, it's not going to happen. You look at the brain development, you look at social development, you look at emotional development. Talking about EQ, that's forever changing. IQ is done by fifth grade. Your EQ is forever changing. And so it's life has to happen for us, like we talk about, for us to understand it.
• 39:28
  EQ is emotional intelligence for everybody. It's picking up. I love it. There's somebody in our group, Brittany, that you have to meet and talk to. She is an EQ specialist. Now I just figured out why I really resonate with you. Because I remember just after I turned 40, I was showering. And I felt like for the first time in my life, I was comfortable in my skin.
• 39:52
  And I believe that. You do not know yourself till you're 40. That's why these people getting married in their 20s, wait, you're going to change. I was talking to somebody this morning that sent me something that I posted four months ago.
• 40:07
  I'm not even that person anymore. I just aired a podcast that was three months ago. I'm like, I'm not even that person. I'm constantly growing, but it took till 40 till I finally slowed down, started to surrender and witness my life. And the weird thing that you just said that absolutely gave me the chills was the major motivator for me as I talked to myself. I look back at that moment
• 40:34
  that kid that was getting beat and that was scared to death. And he is my motivation. He is that person because it was always me against me. And it still is. That's why I also don't listen to any criticism. I don't care. Especially if you're not in the arena fighting with me. If you're not, if you don't have a horse in the race, shut up. I don't care. You know, and nobody knows what it's like to be, except the 6.8 million people that are affected by this.
• 41:05
  And I think the big thing is, you know, looking at myself in my 30s, you feel like you've got it all together. You feel like you're on top of the world. You feel like you've reached self-actualization. Like when I speak, you know, teach about hierarchy of needs and teaching Maslow, I never want to reach self-actualization. That means that I'm not, I'm done growing.
• 41:22
  When you believe that you can still grow and you can learn from anyone, regardless of where they're on their journey, whether they're aspiring leader or someone who is a CEO of a fortune 500 company, if you don't believe you can learn from other people, then get out, get out of my way because I want to learn, learn from everybody, every single person. And not only that,
• 41:41
  people that believe the opposite of you. I seek those people out. Tell me, tell me what you think. And then I discern the mess and I keep the message because there's no, your truth is not the truth. It is your truth. It has been blended through all your life experiences. And that's what we need to realize. That I wrote in my book when I was 30. That was actually when I first knew that,
• 42:09
  I had to make some changes and it took me 13 more years to let me those changes. And I wish I had it back. So I love that advice to you 30 year old or 31 that think you got all the time in the world. That 13 years went by like that. And I want I want to I wish I could have it back. So now what I'm doing to get those years back is to be very, very healthy.
• 42:30
  And I'm going to live to 120 and I'll make up those other years by making healthy choices and doing harm reduction. So what you just said is so true. And I'm not saying it because I agree. It's true. You can look at the research and you can see. There's so many studies where people can go and see what happens when you're 30, when you're 35, when you're 40. Yeah.
• 42:54
  And also, too, things start hurting on you when you're 40 that you didn't know you had. Exactly. I mean, like I sprained a butt cheek or something. I remember when I was teaching development in AP Psych, I always start off the question, if you could stay at one age for the rest of your life, knowing that you're 100% healthy, what age would you stay? You know, of course, my 17-year-olds are saying, 21, 22, you know, because then they're illegal. I always call my mom and my dad and put them on speakerphone.
• 43:21
  You know, my parents are now in their 70s and they would say probably 55. Like that's where their sweet spot was around give or take. But it's really fascinating to hear that from different aspects of ages. That is such a good question. I'm thinking about it in my head and I immediately went to 40. But I'm thinking, you know, I'm 47 now and 50 just keeps coming in my head like, you
• 43:47
  I'm not going to say that I'm going to have it all figured. I'll never have it all figured. I'm always, I'm going to learn it all. I'm constantly learning, getting better. And I'm constantly healing. I just recently overcome some major childhood trauma. I didn't even know I thought I dealt with, but I keep thinking, I'll tell you, ask me that one when I'm 50, because I think 50 is when is going to be my sweet spot, but then 60 is probably going to be awesome. For me, it's right now.
• 44:11
  Like from right now, my age, like this is where I don't want to go back. I am so happy right now, but it's fascinating. You know, when I am 45, 50, how is it going to, how is our mindset going to change? It's going to change. It hit better. And if it doesn't. It's the people that don't change that are.
• 44:30
  that I would argue are probably miserable, and that are going backwards with the toxic behaviors. And I just keep saying it over and over and over again. And if you don't love the person in the mirror, and that was one of my questions I skipped over. On a scale of a 1 to 10, how much do you love the person in the mirror? I'd say 9. You're a bad guy. You know, because I always want to, there's always room to improve, you know, whether it's the physicality, you know, my health, my internal health, my external health. But people always ask me, do you want your hair back? No.
• 45:00
  This is me. This is my gift. I get the, you should Botox these wrinkles. And, you know, besides, you know, TRT to keep me energized, I don't do anything. I just, I'm finally starting to get gray hairs. I don't know what it is. It's always in my beard, but I just...
• 45:19
  I'm very, I would tell you I'm a nine too. And I do the Mel Robbins high five in the mirror every morning and tell myself I'm a badass and I love you. And it's just. Even if you don't believe it, do it. You know, it's all about speaking those affirmations of, you know, I am enough. Even if I didn't believe I am enough, I'm going to say it because I'm putting into the universe because I'm.
• 45:44
  The more times you see it, it's like giving yourself that high five like Mel Robbins, the more you're going to believe it, and then you're going to live it. You know, abundance flows through me with ease. I open up my laptop, you could open up right now, and you'll see it. The more I see it, the more I'm going to believe it. So good. That should be the name of the thing. You are enough. I agree.
• 46:09
  I'll be fully blunt as there was a long time. I've been up until very recently. I didn't subconsciously. I didn't think I was enough because my parents just weren't around. The people that were supposed to fill you with that enoughness were never around. And when they were around, it was always bad, bad beatings. Oh, but now I'm enough. Look at you. I love myself. I love looking in that mirror and I'm like, yeah, even when bad things happen like yesterday, but it's,
• 46:38
  It is an inside out job and it is a freaking battle. And you got to go. I've said it a million times to go from bad to from a bad place to good place. You've got to go through a worse place. And most people get into that worst place like, oh, no, no, no. Let me go back to bad. No. But you and I are here to prove.
• 46:57
  that there is the good place. Hell yeah. And not only is it good, but it's beautiful and it's great. And we're going to thrive. And it's going to get better. That's what's freaky about it. I tell tomorrow is even better. I keep getting myself out of the present because I'm so excited for what's tomorrow. Just, just tomorrow, not next week, just tomorrow. Like today is so good. I get to see you and I get to be in your presence and tomorrow. It won't be as good because you won't be with me. What's the best and worst advice you've ever received?
• 47:27
  Oh, worst advice I've ever received. Probably from all the bullies. Like I just like making fun of me and my hair. Like legit, I went through hell and back because of my hair. I was always made fun of because of my hair. You know, you're ugly. That I would say is the worst advice. You're ugly. You're, you know, your hair, you know, you look like a bowling ball. You know, after you lost as your adult. No, no, no. This is all before. You know, this is in junior high. You know, the hell years.
• 47:53
  My daughter's in it right now, just so you know. And it's like she's turned into that alien that they turned into between 14 and 16. Even though I'm looking at her, I'm like, who are you? And they just, she had all her friends over for dinner and they were all making fun of each other and rude. And I didn't say a word, just listened. And then when I put her to bed, I went, what was that?
• 48:13
  You're a leader. We don't follow what everybody else does. So that's why I can't wait for her to have her around you more often. And she'll come to the speaking engagements that we do in the next summit that you do. Yes. Love it. But that's, you know, that's the thing is...
• 48:29
  I allowed those words when I was 12 to 14 years old to impact me until I was 40. Really? But I, you're so much like me. I bet you that you used it as fuel. I use it as fuel. I definitely turn into fuel. My friends are friends. The kids in junior high call me Smurf. I was small. So what did I do? I outworked everybody. I don't hustle everybody. I started working out and I said, I'll show you who's small. And now obviously you see, you're going to call me Smurf. I get called tree trunk. Yeah.
• 48:58
  and i love it what's um the best advice you've ever seen you know this is going to be really cliche but my grandfather i love cliches he fought in world war ii you know such an incredible incredible man always just said practice makes perfect now i understand practice doesn't make perfect practice makes progress but it was just him always saying to me mckenna what do i always say
• 49:23
  And it was just changing that mentality of the work ethic, that nothing is below you, you're never entitled, and that it takes work to get what you want. Work works. Work works. I love the spin on that practice makes the master.
• 49:40
  Yeah. Love it. Do you have a book recommendation? I just finished The Power of One More by Ed Milet. Phenomenal. I loved Unfinished by David Groggins. But I...
• 49:59
  I am a book reader, but I'm also a fiction reader because I need some escape from reality sometimes. But those are two that I just finished. Two Week Notice by Amy Porterfield helped me because it felt like she was speaking to me of my why. My why of why I want to leave my nine to five and put in my two weeks notice of helping me to better understand my why. And that's there.
• 50:24
  You snuck something in there, and I want to highlight that, was remembering when you're in your grind to unwind. I just made that up. When you're in your grind, unwind. I was talking to somebody the other day, and I take in more content. I'm grinding right now hard between the IT company, between the personal development, flying all over the place, meeting people. I'm grinding, and I was getting a little tired, and my friend said,
• 50:52
  what are you doing in the gym? And I said, listen to the podcast. He's like, switch back to music. You're a little, you're a little tight right now. And he said, so just a little bit of unwinding and relax. And I forget to do that. You know, you let off the gas for a second, not saying hit the break,
• 51:07
  Just take your foot off the gas and then know when to press it back on. So that was really good advice. I love both of those books, by the way. I liked the publishing company that published my book, published Goggins' book. And his second book was way better than his first. You know, I didn't read the first.
• 51:24
  Don't. Sorry, David. I know you. I think you do fall. Yeah, but his second book and I even read part of it, you know, parts of it to my class because it happened to be when I was reading it. It was, you know, during our motivation unit and, you know, the rat study was phenomenal of, you know, some rat will swim if he knows that someone will come.
• 51:45
  He talks about scorching earth. I, in his first book, I always use that. And he is so insane. I, I'm, he can motivate anybody. And I laugh because I just watched a reel for him at a, at a public gym working out and he's doing some crazy workout and he's like screaming, you don't know me, son. You don't know. And everyone's, and I would be, I would just sit down right next to him and like, let me have some of this energy. Exactly. It was amazing. What's your biggest fear?
• 52:11
  Death. Really? Yeah. Oh, you just perked me up. I know. It always has. Losing my parents is my biggest fear. You know, I played at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, which is a three-hour drive from Toledo. And I played volleyball, and my parents would drive, come to every single one of my matches. And they would always leave. My mom was a teacher, too. Would leave at 3 o'clock. My matches started at 6. And they would go through Grand Rapids, which means there's traffic. Yeah.
• 52:39
  And they would be 10 minutes late and I'm just beside myself. And so my teammates knew that I'm not myself until I see my parents. They are my life. And so that's my biggest fear. But making sure that, you know, I thought about this past couple, you know, this past six months, that if I died today, would I be happy with what I've done? And my answer is no.
• 53:03
  And that's one of the big reasons why I resigned from teaching, because I have a bigger thing to do in life. And I wasn't allowing contentness to hold me back.
• 53:12
  I just went to a funeral for a 62-year-old, and his four children eulogized him so beautifully, and he left no stone unturned, and the funeral home was packed. Wow. And I just found myself, I was there with my uncle, and I'm looking, I'm like, wow, we need to step up. Mm-hmm. You know, when I was drinking and partying, I had a million people,
• 53:36
  party friends and that place would have been packed and they would have had a big party and everybody would have drank and said yeah it was fun but now that i've made this change i don't know but we're going to continue to do this and donate enough money to charity and do the right thing and be the model of what like a happy life looks like both of us together and we're gonna lean on each other and if there's ever any moment that you don't feel it uh lean on me
• 54:00
  What's your definition of happiness and success? Because they're two different things. I think this could be a whole other podcast. I know, I do. I'm blazing through these because we're up against it. And I just, this one is very important to me because I want people to understand what success is not money. Okay, so I'm going to put them two together. It's me looking in the mirror and saying I am enough and I love myself. I'm just going to end it right there and I'm going to make it quick, but impactful because it really is because happiness is your reflection. What do you see?
• 54:31
  And that's success. God. That's it. I have got the chills so many times in this. I just adore you. That made my heart flutter and...
• 54:45
  I don't care who you are. I'm a man. And there's times that I don't feel like I'm enough. And, and it's so true. It's so true for everybody. Thank you. I love you. Is there something I haven't asked you today that you feel compelled, compelled to share?
• 55:04
  No, I think that this has been an incredible conversation. I just love what you stand for and what you put out into this world. And I'm very honored to call you my friend and continue being you continue doing what you want to do and continue being that that dad that you are to that beautiful little girl because she's amazing. I had the opportunity to have lunch with her and she's just an incredible soul because she's got an incredible father.
• 55:29
  Thank you. I received that. And I tell you, I'm just now taking my wig off. Yeah. And I think, I think everybody can see it. Yeah. And, um, man, I'm going to, I'm going to light this world on fire. I got it all in me and I just, I don't want anybody to have to deal with what I had to deal with as a child. How can the harder than life listeners support you? Just, you know, first off they can follow me. I'd love to follow McKenna rights, uh, or they can go to McKenna rights.com to contact me. But,
• 55:58
  Be you. Understand that you're not alone. Continue fighting. Continue going all in, whatever you're all in is, every single day. And understanding that you are enough. Do you answer your, do you monitor your social media? I run my own social media. So if someone DMs you and lies a question.
• 56:15
  you'll answer so all her handles the instagram mckenna writes twitter mckenna writes linkedin uh will all be in the show notes please follow her she's fantastic and i'm not saying that because she's my friend it just it's just true the genuine and authenticity just oozes out of her and you can catch her now well before she becomes this superstar she'll still be humble but always it's she's remarkable and you're a fabulous person how can i personally support you
• 56:44
  continue doing the show, continue being you and continue being the father. That's it. Well, please, will you do the, will you set up another summit so I can be a part of it? Because I'm just going to fricking rant and rave about you. Let's do it. I love you. I love you too, friend.
• 57:01
  Please rate and share this podcast. Also, I do my best to respond to comments on all the social platforms. So if you want to see more of something or less of something, leave a comment. Each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. And until next week, be harder than life. Thank you for coming. Thank you.
• 57:26
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.