Latest / Daily Devotions for Busy Lives / When You’ve Been Fighting About the Same Thing for Years

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When You’ve Been Fighting About the Same Thing for Years · Daily Devotions for Busy Lives

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  Track 1: In the first two years of their marriage, Stephanie and
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  Duane had the same fight over and over. They'd blended two
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  families, and they argued about the kids and money and about
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  whether it was her job to put away a basket of laundry she had
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  already washed and folded. Every few weeks, it came back.
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  Different topic, same fight. She would raise her voice, and he
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  would try to fix it. Nothing ever changed. They loved each
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  other, and they couldn't break the loop. The truth was, the
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  laundry was never the problem. Stephanie was fighting about
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  something she hadn't put into words yet. We'll come back to
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  what Stephanie learned, but first, welcome to Daily
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  Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm Bart Léger. I've counseled a
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  few couples in this exact loop. After enough years, you already
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  expect what you're going to hear. They'll be telling me about the
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  dishes or the calendar, and I already know the fight isn't
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  about either one. Some couples and some friends have the same
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  argument every few months. The topic changes, and the pattern
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  stays the same. You know when it's starting. You know what
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  each of you is about to say before each of you says it. And
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  then the fight ends the way it always ends, either resolved or
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  shelved, and nothing's different. Three months later, you're in it
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  again over something else. Here's why resolving the topic
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  never fixes it. Both of you are arguing about the surface issue,
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  and the surface is almost never about what the fight's about. So,
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  you settle the laundry, and the laundry was never the account
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  that needed settling. stop going at each other. James 4.1 What is
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  causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from
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  the evil desires at war within you? Look at what James refuses
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  to do. He never asks what they're fighting about. James
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  had to know the topics, and he doesn't take them up or take
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  sides on any of them. He asks where the fighting comes from,
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  and then he answers his own question by pointing inside the
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  people doing it. Then look at the phrase at war within you.
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  The Greek there is a military word for running a campaign, the
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  kind that goes on for a long stretch with supply lines and
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  winter quarters. The word points past any skirmish a husband and
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  a wife to an operation already underway inside one person
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  before anybody raises a voice. Keep reading into verse 2, where
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  James tells you what the campaign is over. You want what
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  you don't have, he says. Then comes the line that does more
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  for a recurring fight than any communication tip. He says, yet
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  you don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it.
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  Here's what he grants there. The want's legitimate. James doesn't
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  tell them to stop wanting. He tells them they've been going
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  after it down a road that can't deliver it, which in your case
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  is a person at your kitchen table or maybe the coffee shop
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  who was never built to supply the thing. Stephanie wanted to
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  be heard. That's a good want. She was going after it by
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  handing Dwayne every bit of stress she had, which got her a
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  fixer when she needed a listener. That made her angrier, and the
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  fight started again. So when you start feeling it, ask yourself a
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  different question than the one you've been asking. What do I
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  want right now that I'm not getting? Then take that answer
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  to God before you take your complaint to the person. Verse 2
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  again. You don't have what you want because you don't ask God
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  for it. Here's the working part. A loop needs two people running
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  their parts. When one person stops reacting in the same place,
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  the loop has nothing to run on. You don't have to get your
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  spouse to to anything, which is good because you've already
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  tried that for years. At a marriage conference, something
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  shifted for Stephanie. She saw her part in it. For years, she'd
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  handed Dwayne every kind of stress and leaned on him like a
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  crutch, then gotten angry when he did what came naturally to
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  him, which was to try to fix it or try to fix her. What she
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  wanted was for him to simply hear her. So she changed her
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  part first. instead of firing back. to vent, she'd tell him, I
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  don't need you to fix this for me. I just want you to listen.
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  She stopped making her husband the one who had to handle all of
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  it, and she leaned on God instead. The arguments didn't
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  completely disappear, but the loop did, because one person
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  stopped reacting from the same place. Stephanie says God is the
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  one who healed their marriage, and it started the day she
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  brought the thing she was angry about to him first, before she
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  brought it to Dwayne. Stephanie admits she still disagrees with
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  her husband. What ended was the part where every disagreement
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  turned into the same fight with the same ending. Here's today's
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  challenge. Write down the last three fights you had with this
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  person. Different topics probably. the same in all three,
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  because there's probably something. Then finish this
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  sentence. What I want from them and can't seem to get is,
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  however that comes out, it's closer to the truth than any of
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  the topics were. Take that to God and ask Him for it. He can
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  hand you some of it directly, and He can show you how much
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  you've been demanding from someone who doesn't have it to
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  give. Father, You told us through James that our fights
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  come from a war inside us before they ever reach anybody else.
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  Thank You that You don't require us to win an argument before we
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  can come to You. For everybody listening who's tired of having
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  the same fight, show them what they've been wanting and going
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  after the wrong way. Give them the courage to change their own
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  part first. In Jesus' name, Amen. This podcast runs on the
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  generosity of listeners just like you. If Daily Devotions for
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  Busy Lives has encouraged you, would you consider supporting it
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  with a one-time gift or by becoming a monthly supporter?
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  Every contribution helps keep these devotions coming every
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  week. You can give at dailydevotionsforbusylives.com
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  slash support. Thank you so much. And thanks for joining me on
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  Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. Remember, James sent them
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  looking inward before he let them settle anything with each
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  other. Ask God for what you've been trying to get from a person.
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  Come back next time for more encouragement to help you live
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  grounded in God's truth. Until then, God bless and have a great
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  day.