Latest / SkyTalkDoc / E263 Expectations Lead To Disappointment
Transcript
- SkyTalkDoc- Dr. Michaela: Someone sent me one of those, here's what men expect in relationship quick hit reels. And it came across very confident, very certain about what men expect in relationships. And at a high level, I actually agree. The gist was respect, loyalty and connection. She framed it as a lack of betrayal, not nagging, AKA peace and high quality sex. Okay, at a 30,000 foot view that tracks, but the deeper I sat with it, the more that I realized there are some real issues with how we're having this conversation. We will never create that when we have two wounded warriors with old relational survival patterns that they are not willing to address showing up to the relationship. every day. And let me be really clear, this is equally the fault of men and women, If you're both walking into the relationship with unexamined patterns of defensiveness, avoidance, control, withdrawal, you're not actually building a relationship. You're reenacting old wounds with a new face. So the first issue is this. Expectations of another human being will always set you up for disappointment. Expectations of another human being will always set you up for disappointment. because now you've created a standard outside of yourself that you don't actually control. Relationships are not contracts where someone performs a list of duties if they're good enough. They're dynamic. Relationships are responsive, they're alive, and they're constantly in flux. So the moment we start saying, this is what men expect, or this is what women should provide, we've already shifted into something transactional. You give me this tip for tat, I'll give you that. It's not connection, it's negotiation. The second issue is much deeper and it directly ties to the three things she listed. Lack of betrayal, peace, aka not nagging and high quality sex. Women can only show up in those ways if there is emotional safety, full stop. So let's actually break those down. Lack of betrayal. You don't get loyalty from someone who doesn't feel secure. They're always scanning to make sure that they are safe. They are never settled. You don't get peace, a lack of nagging from someone who feels anxious, dismissed or unheard. And lastly, the term high quality sex. Let's clean that up because what that translates to is performative. I expect a blowjob three times a week, that kind of energy, and that is not connection. That is a demand. Anyone can have bangin' hot sex with someone once. That's chemistry. It's novelty. And it's easy. But that's not what actually sustains in a relationship. What actually translates is intimate connection. And that takes two people actively working to show up in a vulnerable, unguarded way. That's what creates space to share fears, to share insecurities, to share fantasies, and that's where high quality sex, quote unquote, where real intimacy lives. And you cannot expect any of that from someone who does not feel safe. And I don't just mean physically safe. I mean emotionally safe, psychologically safe, relationally safe. Safe from comparison, safe from betrayal, safe from feeling like they're in competition with a screen full of other women because here's where this always breaks down. We talk about men's needs like they exist in isolation, like a woman should just deliver and know how to do that, but it doesn't work like that. Of course men need respect. Of course men need to trust their partner. Of course men need affirmation. but women cannot show up in those ways if the environment that they're operating in is destabilizing. If their partner is constantly consuming a digital landscape of everything other than their relationship, including other women, then there is a quiet underlying message of you don't matter and you're replaceable. That erodes something over time. And then men ask, why isn't she more affectionate? Why doesn't she have sex with me more often? Why isn't she more open? Why doesn't she listen to me? And zooming out even further, the constant men versus women framing is a huge part of the problem. We are not on opposite teams trying to figure out who's failing who and what the next play is. ⁓ That's the wrong lens. aren't built on opposition. They're built on reciprocity. Not what do men need? What do women need? It's ⁓ what kind of environment we creating together? that allows both people to naturally become those things. And more often than not, I see men who are completely wounded by their partner, completely shut down, completely in withdrawal mode, completely afraid to share for fear that it will be weaponized against them. I am not saying that men are right here and women are wrong or that women are right and men are wrong. I'm saying the conversation needs to shift entirely. Of course, men want a woman who is grounded, affirming, present and intimate. But if you want that woman, you have to create a space where she can actually be that woman. Consistency, integrity and attention that isn't fractured across a thousand digital distractions. And again, this goes both ways is what is needed for both people to show up like that because no one thrives in an environment that feels unsafe, not men. not women. So when we reduce relationships down to soundbite expectations, we miss the mechanism that actually makes those things possible. So no, men's needs are not a checklist and women's needs aren't either. It's not a performance, it's not a role, it's a response to the environment that you're in. And here's the truth that most people don't want to sit with. This is a team event, not two kayaks on a separate river trying to shout directions across the distance. One kayak and you're both in it trying to paddle together. And if that's not working, It's both of your fault. And if one of you is rowing hard the other direction and the other is pulling somewhere else, you don't move forward. You sit and spin. You exhaust yourselves and then you blame each other for not getting anywhere. The shift isn't in demanding more from the other person or changing your expectations. It's in asking, Are we actually willing to do the work it takes to get there together?