Latest / The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos / Discovering what you want in bed (when you've never had great sex)

Transcript

Discovering what you want in bed (when you've never had great sex) · The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos

0:00
Hey, nicotine, not good for boners, not good for your
0:03
cardiovascular system, not good for hair loss, not good for a
0:09
lot of things. OK, Hi, everybody.
0:28
Welcome. Welcome back to the Love Drive
0:30
podcast. My name is Sean Gallinos.
0:32
This is episode 5. I think we're going to call it
0:36
My Dirty Little Secret. And stay tuned.
0:39
You will know what is My Dirty Little Secret.
0:42
I'm having a good day. And I'll tell you why it's
0:47
connected to My Dirty Little Secret, I think.
0:49
But also, I just spent some time talking to my friend this
0:52
morning, and I'm excited about this podcast episode.
0:55
I'm excited about this podcast. So a few days ago, I was talking
1:00
to my friend Beth. And I think Beth and I have sort
1:05
of been going through the wringer a little bit.
1:07
Life does what life does and it kind of puts us through the
1:12
wringer, but we both simultaneously are feeling a
1:16
little bit buoyed by life these days.
1:19
And Beth asked me a really great question.
1:21
She says, what's giving you Chi Chi being life force, right?
1:29
The the energy that runs through US.
1:31
What brings me Chi? And so she shared some things
1:35
that is has been bringing her Chi and then I shared with her
1:39
some things that that is bringing me Chi and I will share
1:41
those with you. So number one, this podcast has
1:45
been giving me energy and it feels good.
1:48
It feels good to have the energy to want to create this and to
1:52
put the energy into this podcast.
1:54
So that's number one. Number two, going back to the
1:56
gym, doing yoga at the gym, hitting the sauna at the gym has
2:02
been good. It's been good for my body,
2:04
feels nice. You know, when you move your
2:06
body, you have more energy. That has felt good.
2:10
I have made some progress towards a home life in the Bay
2:16
Area. I can't tell you what it is,
2:18
it's secret, I will eventually tell you, but it's very
2:21
exciting. And so I'm able to start
2:23
projecting myself into the future in the Bay Area in a way
2:26
that feels really, really good. So that I'm excited about.
2:31
Which also means that I am dreaming of emptying my storage
2:34
unit in Arizona. And in that storage unit, there
2:38
are toys and there is wall art and great furniture and there is
2:44
a car, there's a BMW with my name on it.
2:47
It's so funny because a lot of just like I'm just carting shit
2:52
across the United States basically at this point.
2:55
Like some of the stuff that's in that storage unit started in in
2:59
San Francisco and it went all the way to Montreal and then
3:01
went to Arizona and now it's coming back to San Francisco.
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I'm just moving things around, which I guess like whatever,
3:07
that's how moving works. But the idea that I am going to
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empty my storage unit is exciting.
3:15
The idea of not living in a bin for two months is exciting.
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Of being reunited with my bike, my mountain bike so I can go
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mountain biking with friends is exciting.
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OK, what else is giving me CHI friends?
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Seeing my friends again in the Bay Area is great.
3:29
It's fantastic. People that have known me for 17
3:32
years more, that feels awesome. And then lastly, riding my
3:38
motorcycle. So my dad has always been a big
3:40
motorcycle rider and I have been as well probably since, oh, we
3:45
started riding dirt bikes actually when I was like 16.
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So we've always ridden. I've always had like a
3:51
motorcycle in my life, but I haven't for the last year or
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two. And before my dad passed away,
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he had a motorcycle and I went and I went and got it.
4:01
So now I've been riding his motorcycle around the Bay Area
4:05
and if you live here or you've been here, the traffic is like,
4:08
it's not great, it's not terrible, it's not LA, it's not
4:12
New York, but it's it's not great.
4:14
But riding a motorcycle is great.
4:16
So these are all things that have been giving me chi that
4:20
have been contributing to my well-being.
4:24
But then I was talking to Beth and I wanted to come clean with
4:28
her about something. Actually, I didn't really need
4:30
to come clean to her like I like, I wasn't hiding anything
4:34
from her, but I wanted to come clean about something to her.
4:38
And I'm going to come clean about that to you, not because
4:42
I, I have to, but because I want to.
4:45
And I think it it, I think it's, it's a worthwhile explanation.
4:49
So I have been struggling with nicotine my whole life basically
4:58
since I was like 15 years old. I've been addicted to to
5:01
nicotine for a long time. I have a love affair, a love
5:06
hate relationship with nicotine in all forms.
5:10
I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years, but vaping, dipping, I
5:15
don't dip anymore, but I smoking and dipping were the things that
5:18
I used to do and now it's more like Zen or vape.
5:23
The, the new digital versions of nicotine and I have had periods
5:29
of my life where I've abstained from it for like 2 weeks, two
5:33
months, 2 years. I think the longest that I
5:36
didn't use it was like 4 years. And but recently I've been sort
5:40
of stuck in, in its grips. And like, you might not know
5:44
this, but I'm a, I'm a recovering drug addict and
5:47
alcoholic. Like I've been sober from mostly
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all drugs and definitely all alcohol for 17 years.
5:55
I had a mushroom journey in November that I will tell you
5:59
about. I'm, I'm telling you now because
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I used to be able to say, oh, I've been sober for 17 years,
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but now it's like I've been mostly sober for 17 years.
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So I have recovered from drugs and alcohol for the most part,
6:13
but but nicotine's always been there for me and my nicotine
6:16
might be your overeating, overworking over what else we
6:22
got out there. Oh, sexual, sexual compulsivity.
6:27
It can be your alcohol, it could be your drugs, right?
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Like there are a lot of people walking around out there with
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addictive behaviors or maladaptive coping strategies.
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Basically, for me, nicotine is a maladaptive coping strategy,
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right? I'm using it to cope with the
6:46
difficulties of life and it's not giving me life.
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It's not giving me chi because it actually robs me of energy
6:53
and creativity. It makes me feel worse.
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I turn towards it because I'm having an unpleasant emotion.
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Usually this is what happens. I feel bad about something and
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instead of sitting with that feeling of discomfort,
7:11
unpleasantness, anger, sadness, upset, whatever, instead of
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sitting with it and regulating myself in healthy ways, I use a
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less healthy option, which for me right now is nicotine.
7:27
It's problematic because there are some benefits like people
7:32
say like oh, nicotine helps with my productivity.
7:36
Yes, to a certain degree. It can be labeled as or marketed
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as a nootropic, as a sort of like biohack tool.
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The problem is that it is so addictive.
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It's like one of the most addictive.
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I was able to freaking kick crystal meth, Crystal meth, but
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not nicotine, you know? So yes, it can have these
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benefits where you become like more productive and more
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creative if you can use it in moderation.
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And most people, 99% of people, unless you're Andrew Huberman or
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whatever, cannot use nicotine this way.
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So for me, it's a maladaptive coping strategy.
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But it is better than crack cocaine, right?
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Like if I was real sad that I decided to do crack cocaine,
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that would be worse. So nicotine is like the lesser
8:23
of two evils, but it's maladaptive for me.
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And here's the problem with it on the surface, like it's pretty
8:32
benign other than if you're, if you're smoking tobacco, which
8:36
contains nicotine, you can get cancer.
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Nicotine on its own doesn't cause cancer.
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Vaping it is not good. It's, it's all about the
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delivery method anyways. I'm, I'm, I don't want to get
8:45
lost in the weeds here, but on its own, it's pretty benign as a
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substance. Nicotine itself does not 'cause
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cancer if you dip it, if you smoke it, blah, blah, blah.
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But I am noticing the effects is that it actually robs me of
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energy, it makes me more tired, and it prevents me from feeling
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as deeply as I want to feel. That's the problem I have with
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it, right? I'm using it to not feel, and it
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actually works. It works.
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It dulls. It dulls the sharp edges of
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life. It makes things more bearable.
9:23
It makes things less boring. It makes things less difficult.
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But the problem is it also makes me tired because it's
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suppressing my emotional system or landscape, and I don't want
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that. I want to feel deeply.
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I want to feel so deeply like I want to be touched and moved by
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life. I do.
9:45
I want to see a father and son walking across the street and
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just that benign moment moves me to tears and tenderness, right?
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I want just like a song to touch me in ways that feels good,
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right? Like I want to be moved by life
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and just the little things, not the, I don't want to have to go
10:07
to Machu Picchu to be like, oh wow, this is so amazing.
10:12
Life is so amazing, right? Or this like I don't have to
10:16
have these peak experiences in order to feel alive.
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I want to be able to feel alive all day, every day.
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I want to be touched by life, right?
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And nicotine prevents me from doing that.
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So man, that's my dirty little secret.
10:29
My dirty little secret is that I've had a love and hate, a love
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affair and a hate affair with this crazy little substance for
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a long time. Oh, and here's the last thing I
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will say about this. It's dopamine on demand.
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Here's why. It actually robs me of energy
10:45
and makes me lazy. Nicotine is literally dopamine
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on demand. So instead of doing something
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hard like working or writing A blog post or having a
10:56
challenging conversation or going for a run or doing a
11:00
workout or whatever, instead of doing something where you do the
11:05
hard thing first and you get the reward after, a tin of Zen just
11:10
gives you the reward without doing anything hard.
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And so why would I do anything hard if I can just do the $6 a
11:19
day to get the dopamine? But it's not, it doesn't satisfy
11:25
because it's never enough. There's a saying in 12 step
11:28
recovery, actually forget which program this is from, but it
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says basically, if what I already have isn't enough, what
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makes me think that more will be any better?
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If what I already have isn't enough, what makes me think that
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more will be any better? Like if I'm not already happy
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with what I have, why do I think more is going to be better?
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More will just be not enough, right?
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And that's how it is for me and and drugs and alcohol and and
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and nicotine. It's never enough.
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That's never enough. And I don't want anyone to use
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this same bumper sticker as a opportunity not to work on
12:06
things like, OK, well, I guess if my relationships not enough
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as it is, what makes me think that more will be any better?
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No, like there are definitely instances in your life where you
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do need to strive for more because what you're getting is
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not enough. But in the sense of in the sense
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of substances, this applies to me and maybe it applies to you.
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OK, so finally, the last thing I will say is that the thing that
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Beth asked me was what does the little Sean inside of me need
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when he's feeling scared or angry or sad?
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And I guarantee you that your little little inner child, at
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least I'll speak for myself. My little inner child does not
12:52
need a Zen have to feel better. My inner child doesn't need a
12:56
Zen or a vape. My inner child needs a hug.
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I think my outer child needs a hug too.
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I think Sean needs a hug, but I need a hug.
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I need like physical contact. I need to be held.
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And so I'm kind of curious, what does your inner child need that
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you might not be giving it? Maybe you're giving it something
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else, which is fine. You know, it's it's OK.
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But what could you be giving your inner child that you're not
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giving it? Is it a hug?
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Is it play? Is it rest?
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Are you one of those like go, go, go people who never rests?
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I know those people, they have a hard time resting, like they're
13:36
sick and they they cannot sit still, right?
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Or they're injured and they cannot, you know what I'm
13:43
talking about, cannot take a break.
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So what could you be giving your inner child some kinder words?
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If we think about last week's episode, some kinder words to
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yourself. Maybe it's the courage to speak
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up. I know a lot of people are are
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who are scared of speaking up for a whole, whole bunch of
14:04
reasons. Fear of retaliation, fear of
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hurting the other person, fear of being judged, ridiculed.
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Usually there's fear. So do you need the courage to
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speak up? Do you need the courage to say
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no to something that you've been saying no to for a long time?
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Do you need the courage to ask for something that you really
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want? These are things that your inner
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child might need or just like saying, hey, it's OK, buddy, I
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got you. I know they left you, but I
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won't leave you. Come here.
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Let me give you a hug. So that's my dirty little
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secret. I'm kind of curious actually.
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Leave it in the comments. What's your dirty little secret?
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If you feel like, courageous enough to share, I just shared
14:42
mine. What's yours?
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We're only as sick as our secrets.
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And I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be sick.
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I don't want to be ill. And I really want energy.
14:52
I want to live fully. I want to be touched and moved
14:56
by life. I want to wake up with vitality.
14:59
Oh, here's another thing that nicotine does.
15:00
It's a vasoconstrictor. That means it like constricts
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your blood vessels, which means that my erections are less full
15:09
when I'm using nicotine and I I wake up with less like morning
15:15
wood. It's OK everybody, it's OK.
15:18
Somebody left a comment saying and I'll read this.
15:21
I'm so glad to have your voice back on the mic sharing this
15:23
great interview. I've been reading Savage love
15:26
column for decades. Love this conversation.
15:28
And please don't worry about the sexual explicit explicity
15:32
sexual. Don't worry about being sexually
15:35
explicit. We are here for it.
15:37
Welcome back, Sean. This rules.
15:38
Yeah. So hey, nicotine, not good for
15:40
boners, not good for your cardiovascular system, not good
15:45
for hair loss, not good for a lot of things, right.
15:49
So I want, you know, I'm 43, one of the reasons I decided not to
15:54
get a hair transplant is because you need to use Propecia or
15:57
finasteride to maintain the transplant and what what hair
16:01
you have left and the side effects of that drug.
16:04
Some of them include lower libido, weaker erections, watery
16:09
semen, which is disgusting if you think about it.
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I don't know why watery semen bothers me so much, but it does.
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So I don't want it. I don't want anything that's
16:18
going to affect my libido. So why am I using nicotine?
16:22
OK. Oh also today's day 2.
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I'm counting days. Fuck it, I'm counting days.
16:26
Today's day 2. Feel free to ask me about it
16:29
next week. I need some accountability.
16:31
So in the comments, drop what you need some accountability or
16:34
what you're tired of doing that you've been doing sick and tired
16:40
of being sick and tired and, and I don't I don't want it anymore.
16:44
I want to feel good. So mazel tov to that and we're
16:49
going to transition now to the term of the day.
16:54
By the way, this is turning into a variety show.
16:57
And I think that's OK because I got a comment from Paige that
17:04
says stoke that Shawn's back in the podcast game.
17:06
That's right. The first episode of Dan Savage
17:08
was such a good one. Plus, I loved his One Man Show
17:11
episode as well. Always super relatable and fun
17:15
to listen to. So welcome to the one man show.
17:18
I actually had a girlfriend. This is funny.
17:21
I had a girlfriend named Paige who used to call whatever I'm
17:25
doing now when I would do this, like at parties or something,
17:29
she would call the Sean Show. I mean, I was also 22 years old,
17:32
so I didn't have the awareness that I have now, but I guess
17:35
I've always wanted an audience in a stage.
17:38
So here we go this One man show has a term of the day or term of
17:45
the week I guess. And today's term of the day is
17:49
homosexual. So like a few months ago, I
17:53
someone asked me a question about how to deal with her grown
17:58
adult children who live with her, who are unhappy that she
18:02
moved in her new boyfriend of eight days into their house.
18:09
And my response was, yeah, your parents sorry.
18:14
Your kids are upset. You've invited a charlatan into
18:20
your home and your kids are worried about their inheritance.
18:23
And then a lot of people said, well, they're probably worried
18:25
about your safety and their safety because you've brought a
18:28
stranger into your home. That's also very fair.
18:31
I think I was just trying to be funny.
18:33
But then all these people started chiming in saying, oh,
18:36
he's a homosexual, Homosexual being someone who's homeless or
18:40
has no job and goes on dates in the hopes of meeting someone to
18:45
like move into or Leech off of. And so a lot of people were
18:51
worried that you had met a homosexual.
18:53
And it's funny, I've been feeling a little homosexual
18:55
myself, although I don't prey on people to live with them.
18:59
But I did have a really sweet romance.
19:01
And I did spend a lot of time with her at her house.
19:05
And it was, it was really sweet. And it was.
19:08
It was cute, and it ended for reasons outside of our control,
19:12
unfortunately. But to the homosexual man living
19:17
in this woman's house. I pinged her and I asked her if
19:22
she had actually no, that's not true.
19:24
She left me a message on the hotline and here it is.
19:30
Let's play it. Hi, it's Elaine here from
19:34
Phoenix, AZ. I am the one who moved in her
19:37
boyfriend after knowing him for eight days.
19:40
It's a solid 30 days now. We're doing amazing.
19:42
He's not a bum, he has a job, he treats me well.
19:45
I've never been this happy in my life ever.
19:48
But my sons were 22 and 26. I just having such a hard time
19:53
accepting this. I get the cold shoulder We're we
19:56
don't really talk anymore. They've like made me comments
20:00
and I don't want my boyfriend to feel uncomfortable.
20:03
This is my house. Everybody has a job.
20:06
So I just don't know how to navigate this.
20:08
I really truly wish that they would see how happy I am that I
20:12
have never been treated this good before.
20:15
I know that this is like so sudden, but it's literally so
20:18
true. When you know, you know.
20:19
And I'm so in love with this guy.
20:21
And he reciprocates the love right back and we're just a
20:25
perfect match and I just wish they would see how happy I am
20:28
and accept the fact that this is my house and I should be able to
20:31
do as I please. So any advice, comments, I would
20:35
love it. Thank you so much.
20:37
Have a great day. Bye bye.
20:40
OK so not only did she leave a message, then I reached out to
20:45
her and asked her for an update because I forget when that
20:48
message came in. But a week ago I pinged her and
20:52
I said hey Elaine, it's Shawn from the love drive.
20:54
I'm recording an episode. Do you have an update on your
20:56
boyfriend and your son? How it's going?
20:58
Oh my God, yes. Lots of updates.
21:01
He proposed, I'm engaged, sons were happy when I told them, one
21:07
even apologized for his attitude.
21:10
But now we're back to square one.
21:12
It's such a roller coaster of annoyance, but I'm still so
21:15
happy with the love of my life. I'm getting married.
21:20
OK, so I guess mazel tov, mazel tov and congratulations.
21:28
Who am I to say? Who am I to say that it can't
21:30
work? There are anecdotal stories that
21:35
you will hear from people. It's like, oh, my grandpa met my
21:39
grandma, me mom met people or whatever at the bakery and he
21:45
proposed a week later and they've been married ever since.
21:48
Like these stories exist. So who am I to say that this
21:51
isn't one of those stories, right?
21:53
Like I'm legit super happy for you.
21:56
I will also say that like you don't know anybody until at
21:59
least a year or two into having spent a considerable amount of
22:02
time with them. So for the most part, you're
22:04
still strangers and you're like, it's so funny.
22:08
It's for sure your triggers, all of your triggers haven't come
22:14
out, right? Like you haven't been triggered
22:16
and your childhood wounds are coming out or maybe you've
22:18
worked on all that stuff. But for the most part, it takes
22:21
a while for that stuff to like kind of work its way through.
22:23
So I'm happy for you. Look, your kids are 22 and 26,
22:28
old enough to leave the house. Culturally, that's the thing
22:31
that we do in the United States. It's different in other
22:33
countries where like adult children would stay at home
22:36
until maybe it's their turn to get married.
22:38
But in the United States, you live in Phoenix.
22:40
Fuck it. You know, whatever.
22:41
If if you're the happiest you've ever been and this is the love
22:45
of your life, all I could say to you is good luck and like, I
22:49
wish you all the best. I really do.
22:51
Hit me up with an update, you know, and or invite me to the
22:54
wedding. That's all I have to say about
22:56
that. So anyways, term of the week,
22:57
homosexual. Careful, they're out there.
23:00
They might move into your home. They want to move into your
23:02
home. Actually, that's the goal.
23:07
OK, Q&A OK, leave me a voicemail.
23:09
Don't make me beg 415-494-9559 or leave me a voicemail or like
23:16
a voice memo or whatever or an audio recording to podcast at
23:19
the Love dr.com. You can also send me an e-mail
23:22
or text that number 415-494-9559.
23:27
Also. You know what, let's just take a
23:29
break. Let's take a break.
23:30
And if you love this episode, what is getting in the way of
23:34
you right now pausing this and leaving a review on Apple
23:37
podcast? I'm curious.
23:40
I mean, if you're not listening on Apple, then that makes sense.
23:42
That's what's keeping you from it.
23:44
But if you are listening on the podcast app on Apple, this is a
23:47
great opportunity for you to drop a little review.
23:50
Take a minute. It would mean the world to me.
23:52
If you're listening on Spotify, you can rate the show.
23:55
You can't leave a review, but you can rate it, you know, one
23:57
to five stars. I think we're at 4.9 stars on on
24:02
Apple and five stars or 4.9 on Spotify.
24:06
So this was our break. Do it.
24:10
Oh, and subscribe, I guess if you're not.
24:12
I mean, only if you want to, obviously, but this is just
24:15
serving as a reminder of things that you probably already want
24:17
to do. You already want to leave a
24:19
review because you love the show.
24:21
You already want to subscribe. You just forget to do it because
24:24
that's how life works. These are friendly reminders.
24:27
OK, Questions. We have two questions today.
24:32
Hi Sean, new listener, really enjoying your new show.
24:37
I've been following you on Instagram for a little while.
24:40
I got introduced through the fields.
24:44
So anyway, I have a couple questions.
24:46
I'm 54 years old, three amazing kids, no longer with the father
24:51
and have really never had great sex.
24:55
So I and I'm scared to ask for what I want.
24:58
But a big part of that is that I don't know what I want.
25:01
I'm, I'm not, I, I feel like I'm complicated in that, that
25:05
region. And so it's, yeah, just been a
25:09
fear of mine to even ask for exploration or to say, ask them
25:14
to do something and then it doesn't, I don't feel anything
25:18
anyway. It just all feels very
25:19
complicated. So I don't know if you have any
25:21
advice on that. And then secondly, how is it OK
25:26
to ask out or introduce myself to multiple people at the gym
25:31
who maybe go to the gym at the same time?
25:33
I don't know. I don't want to get a reputation
25:37
of being somebody who's just desperately trying to find
25:40
somebody out there. But ultimately I'm a hopeful
25:43
romantic and I'm looking for my person.
25:46
So anyway, any thoughts on that would be great.
25:49
Thanks so much. Enjoying your show and good
25:51
luck. Bye.
25:53
OK, thank you. Thank you for being here.
25:55
This is a Bang Bang. 2 questions in one.
25:58
And yeah, the feels is I love the feels.
26:01
It's a a series of events, dating events created by Ally
26:06
Hoffman. And they also do.
26:08
We did a retreat this February. So, yeah, welcome, Welcome to
26:11
everybody. And if you're looking for a cool
26:13
dating event and you live in New York, LA, San Francisco and
26:16
maybe Chicago, check out The Feels.
26:18
We'll link to it in the show notes.
26:20
So I've never had great sex and I'm scared to ask for what I
26:23
want, mainly because I don't know what I want.
26:26
OK, so step one, figure out what you want.
26:28
There's a resource called the yes, no, maybe list from
26:32
Autostraddle. I mean, I think there's a whole
26:34
bunch of them, but I like the Autostraddle 1:00.
26:36
And basically it's a list of things that you might consider
26:40
or are excited to explore giving and or receiving.
26:44
And so it could be as simple as holding hands, kissing,
26:47
tickling, wrestling, or it could go into, you know, more
26:51
explorative or adventurous territory.
26:54
Biting nipples, fingers on penis, fingers on strap on
26:58
fingers inside vagina, ejaculating on someone's body,
27:02
using vibrators. Let's go to the next
27:05
Blindfolding, slapping, pinching, phone sex, dirty talk,
27:11
tongue on anus, nipple clamps, watching porn, right?
27:15
So like basically it's a list of things that you might be
27:20
interested in trying, right? And that's always good.
27:25
Like you could take yourself on a little date, print up this
27:27
sheet, get a glass of wine or a mocktail, and just spend some
27:32
time like thinking about what each of these things might feel
27:36
like and highlighting the ones that you're most curious about,
27:39
right? So that's number one.
27:40
Number one is like start developing some curiosity #2
27:45
could also be like, OK, what's the kind of sex that I've seen
27:48
that I've been curious about or wanted to experience?
27:52
Or what's the kind of sex that I've heard about from like a
27:55
friend or from CNN, whatever media, you know, TV, movies that
28:02
I want to experience Or just like tap into your soul, like
28:06
into your heart, tap into like what do I want to feel?
28:11
What are the sensations where the experience that I, I want to
28:15
be having? This is number one.
28:17
Number one is like get curious, write it down, grab your
28:20
journal, have some ideas #2 it's OK If you come up with a huge
28:25
freaking blank with all of this and you're just like, I have no
28:30
idea. OK, cool.
28:31
In that case, you need to find someone who's into exploring.
28:36
You literally have to say, hey, I am newly single.
28:41
I have never had great sex. That is not OK.
28:45
I want to change that story. I'm looking for someone who's
28:49
open to exploring a bunch of different things.
28:51
I learned about this thing called the yes, no maybe list.
28:54
Maybe we can together go through it and see if there's a couple
28:57
of them that we both agree on or both curious about to your
29:01
comment about, I don't know how to say let's try something.
29:05
And then if I don't feel anything or I don't like it,
29:08
that I that we need to stop. Sorry.
29:10
You're going to need to find that language.
29:13
You're going to need to find the courage to say, hey, I want to
29:16
try this thing. And also, FYI, it might be
29:20
awkward for me to say stop, but if I don't like it, I'm going to
29:24
need to say stop. It's OK for you.
29:26
It's OK for you to not know or have experience or to feel
29:31
trepidation at doing any of this stuff because it's all so
29:33
freaking new and amazing. You had this relationship where
29:37
like, OK, the sex wasn't great. That's not amazing, but you've
29:40
got three kids and ostensibly you probably had, you probably
29:43
enjoyed some part of that life. Now you're entering a new
29:48
exploratory part of your life, and it's going to require you to
29:52
do things that are different and a little scary.
29:55
You said things are complicated down there.
29:58
I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means.
30:02
I wonder if it's really as complicated as you say it is.
30:06
I don't know. You're going to have to develop
30:09
a relationship with you're down there, your genitals, your
30:13
pussy, your vulva. Maybe we can start using that
30:15
word instead of like down there, you know, down there is like
30:19
it's like that's not connected to you.
30:22
Down there is like it's removed from it.
30:24
So start calling it your pussy, your vulva, your whatever.
30:26
You know, your genitals, you know, it'll be complicated until
30:31
it's not. It'll be hard until it's not.
30:33
It'll be new until it's not. But I'm excited for you and this
30:38
new phase of exploration down there.
30:43
OK. And secondly, 2 guys, how many,
30:47
how many dudes can you introduce yourself, introduce yourself to
30:50
at the gym without want, without wanting to look desperate?
30:53
Well, first of all, there's nothing desperate about
30:55
connection and intimacy and touch and meeting, fulfilling
31:01
our needs, meeting our needs for connection.
31:04
Nothing desperate about that. If you're a hopeful romantic,
31:07
then then you already have the spin required.
31:11
It's normal, it's normal, it's natural.
31:13
It is, it is what it is. So maybe start with one.
31:18
Let's start with one chat up one guy and then see if there's a
31:22
potential there there or chat up the other guy or chat up, you
31:25
know, chat up one at a time or chat them all up at at once.
31:29
You know, really honestly what other people think of me as none
31:33
of my business. Easier said than done, but also
31:36
worth doing. So I I wouldn't overcomplicate
31:40
this. I also wouldn't worry too much
31:45
about you being friendly to guys at the gym.
31:48
I'm always jealous when I see someone people flirting at the
31:50
gym. I wish I could flirt at the gym,
31:53
maybe I will, who knows, maybe it's a new era for Sean as well.
31:59
Anyways, go have fun. This is exciting.
32:01
Very very very very very exciting.
32:03
OK next question. Salut Shawn loved the podcast
32:08
and shared it. Question.
32:09
I connected with a 28 year old on field.
32:12
I'm 20 years older than him. He expressed having a fantasy of
32:15
hooking up with a woman much older than him.
32:18
When I suggested we meet for drinks or coffee first, he
32:21
admitted not being comfortable meeting in public since he
32:23
considers this pretty taboo. Should I be concerned?
32:28
OK thank you for the question. I don't know if you should be
32:33
concerned, but I'm curious whether this is something that
32:38
you are interested in exploring. So my gut reaction to this was
32:45
like, no, it's probably not going to feel good to like be
32:48
shoved in a closet and where like he feels ashamed of
32:55
sleeping with you. My gut reaction was like, don't
32:57
do this. Then I thought like, OK,
33:02
sometimes we do things that are taboo and we hide them and
33:07
there's something a little exciting about that.
33:10
So if you don't think that you would feel sort of like less
33:15
than like if you're if you're happy to kind of feed into this
33:18
little fantasy of his, I'm sure it could be fine.
33:21
This is obviously not somebody that you're going to have a
33:23
relationship with, right? You met them on field.
33:25
He wants to hook up with an older woman.
33:28
Part of that is that he kind of wants to hide it.
33:31
And like that could add to the fantasy.
33:34
So if you're, if you're OK with playing that out and like being
33:39
sort of the person that he hides, like there could be
33:42
something kind of hot about that.
33:44
I could see where there's like something sexy there.
33:46
But also, like 48 and 28 is not that taboo, right?
33:51
And like there really shouldn't be an issue with meeting him in
33:54
public. I'm kind of curious if you ended
33:57
up going through with this or if you do end up going through with
33:59
it, please leave me a message and let me know what you think.
34:03
All right, what else we got? If you want to leave your own
34:06
message, I like voicemails better.
34:07
You see a voice playing a voicemail so much more
34:10
interesting than me reading the question.
34:13
So if you're bold and courageous, I invite you to
34:17
leave a voicemail because it's so much more fun for everybody.
34:21
415-494-9559 and your fear life. If you don't, you don't want to
34:26
call the United States because you're like in Europe, you can
34:29
e-mail me a voice memo. You know, you record it with
34:32
your phone and then you e-mail it.
34:34
Podcast at the love dr.com. OK, friends, a little
34:37
housekeeping, but it's really, really, really important.
34:41
So this next episode coming up on Thursday is with none other
34:48
than social media therapist to the stars, Therapy Jeff.
34:53
I've known Therapy Jeff for a couple years now, and this is a
34:58
really funny episode. We do get into our personal
35:02
lives a little bit and then we talk about the manosphere and
35:04
men and dating in rural areas. And it's just a very kind of
35:10
like flowy fun conversation. And oh, I got a comment.
35:16
Hold on. I got to read you this.
35:18
I got a comment today on YouTube.
35:20
Let me just pull it up real quick.
35:24
OK. This comment that I got from
35:25
Madeline wears hello, thank you on Spotify says such a great
35:29
episode. You're such a natural having
35:31
cozy conversations with all your guests.
35:34
This is literally my dream. My dream is to have cozy
35:38
conversations with my guests. I wanted to be my full time job,
35:43
so thank you all for helping me get there.
35:46
This Thursday's episode with Therapy Jeff is a cozy
35:49
conversation. After this episode, we're going
35:53
back to what a week this Bang Bang.
35:55
This two week podcast release was a special for the first
36:00
month of the relaunch. After that, we're going back to
36:03
one a week until I have my studio up and running.
36:05
My goal is to have two a week is to have a guest interview and a
36:09
solo Sean Show interview. And so that's coming soon.
36:15
Next week I'm off to Thailand. I will record episodes.
36:18
I just don't know if it's going to be from a closet or from
36:20
somewhere else. Thank you all so much for being
36:23
here. It means the world to me.
36:25
Your your legends, your actual legends.
36:28
I know that you could be listening to other podcasts and
36:30
you could be spending your time in different ways and you've
36:33
chosen to spend some with me. So thank you for that.
36:36
Love Camp June 5th, 6th and 7th. If you want more love and more
36:39
play in your life, come to Love Camp, a three day retreat in
36:44
Western Massachusetts at the Kripalu Yoga and Wellness Center
36:47
with myself and my bestie Kristen Poole.
36:51
The link in the show notes to come.
36:53
We're probably a little bit over halfway sold.
36:56
Don't miss out. Also, Kripalo has a really
36:58
generous cancellation policy. You can cancel and get a full
37:01
refund like up until like 4 days before the retreat.
37:04
So you've got nothing to lose. And then as always, leave a
37:08
review on Apple podcast rated on Spotify, subscribe somewhere
37:12
else and leave a comment. I love hearing from you.
37:15
And in the meantime, have a beautiful week.
37:19
Thank you for being here.