Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep10: Why Boomers Are the Funniest Disaster in History 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep10: Why Boomers Are the Funniest Disaster in History 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Me and my girlfriend just celebrated three years because I'm a good partner and a better lover, and uh I was thinking about this, I'll never forget this.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: The first time we ever hooked up, I told my girlfriend I was clean of STDs, and she was like, You can't say you're clean of STDs anymore.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's offensive now.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because it implies that STDs are dirty.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: They are.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_02: If they aren't dirty, then why'd I just lie to you?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: Can't kill these crabs, they're all rescues.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: Great joke, great joke.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: I know.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: I know, I wrote it.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh what's your name, man?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: Snell.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: Sonnell.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, a lot of these women in the bedroom, they're using vibrars, Sennel.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: Are you into it?
• 0:48
  unknown: Yes.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: You are?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, you hate to hear a wrong answer from a good man, Sonnel.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: You hate to hear that.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: We all know vibraries are evil and un-American, folks.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: They're embarrassing.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: You're using a Chinese robot to replace a hard-working American cock.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: That's what's wrong with this fucking country, folks.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Vibrators ruined Detroit, Michigan.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone knows it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: Uh my girlfriend just got a couple vibrators.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: I was talking to my friend.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, Aren't you worried the vibrators are gonna replace you in the bedroom?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, no, dude.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: The super rechargeable thruster rabbit 3.0 could never do what I do.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: I like to see the rabbit make her cry with a single glance.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: I doubt the Hitachi Cordless Plus G-spot Delta Massagic Magic Wand with Freshwave Technology could forget her birthday.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: Do you get along with your family, Sonnell?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: You do?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: Could you not for the joke?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: You don't get along with you don't get along with your mother, correct?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: You don't get along with your mom, right?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: You don't get along with your mom.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Holy shit, I have a fucking joke about that.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't even gonna tell that joke, but I guess you gotta listen to the universe, Sonel.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: I guess I'll tell it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: Jesus.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: How serendipitous was that?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: Jesus Christ.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: I was just back home with my mom.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: Do anyone else's parents still treat them like they're a nine-year-old kid?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: This makes sense to anyone.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: My mom cannot fathom I've liked a new thing since 1999.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_02: I was eating a hot dog next to my mom.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: I was putting mustard on it, and she was like, you don't like mustard.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: You've never liked mustard.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: What's going on?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, yeah, mom, I didn't like mustard, and then I got my dick sucked at Panera.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: And now I like Dijon.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, what?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_02: You never used to like getting your dick sucked.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_02: What's going on?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_02: You made such a stink when your Uncle Ben did it.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, come on.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: We're trying to have fun.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_02: We're just trying to have a good time.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Just trying to have a good time.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: Gay guy liked that.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: Hell yeah, he liked that.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: You remember that Panera?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: You remember that Wednesday afternoon in a Panera?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: You remember that?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_02: That was weird.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Probably cut that.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: I was just back home.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: We celebrated my grandfather's 97th birthday first.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: No, he's a bitter, evil, racist man.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: Tough to be around, honestly, but we all fake a smile for the will.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: My grandpa's like, build that wall.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_02: We're like, oh hi, Grandpa.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: We're all trying to impress him.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Like, Grandpa, this morning I misgendered a barista, you know?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you get the land, son.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: When you get old, you hate on the youth.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: That's a pathetic thing that happens when you get older.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: My grandpa's always on that participation trophy shit.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: That shit's so embarrassing when people get mad at that.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: You ever hear that?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: My grandpa's always like, You kids are so good, damn small bag in my dad.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm always like, yeah, Grandpa, you didn't need participation trophies because you refused to compete against black athletes.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: Pretty easy to win a trophy back then, Grandpa.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, no, we were pretty good at basketball.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: And then you see all the old videos, they're all dribbling like this.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: They all got goggles on, they're getting allergy shots at halftime, you know.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: They're passing like, heads up, Gerald! The shorts are up to here because they don't have to worry about the dick peeking out yet, you know.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: God, what a fucking good joke.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I hate when, how do I say this?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: I hate when old people act like something's new that's been around forever, you know what I mean?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like old people, my grandpa's always like, kids these days are eating ass.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: We never hate ass when I was a kid.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's so funny.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: You think that they invented eating ass in a coffee shop in Bushwick in 2018?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, you fucking boomer virgins, like, grow up.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: My grandpa's like, who would ever eat ass?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I don't know, someone who loved grandma?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Another great one.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: Another great one.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: You guys think people get offended too easily these days?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay, keep that in mind during this next one.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, abortion, abortion, abortion, folks.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's how many I paid for.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I know abortion jokes are a little dicey, but I'm taking these babies to term.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, we're trying to have bothering them.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_02: Isn't it crazy that conservatives don't like abortion?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: You think conservatives would love abortion, right?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: It's just dead liberals.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: We're not aborting farmers and electricians, dude.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's just piles of music theater majors.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like, isn't the fucking world you wanted?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: I don't understand.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: I love a pro-life billboard.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: Huge fan of pro-life billboards.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: They're so funny.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: You ever drive around America?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of pro-life billboards in rural America.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of pro-life billboards where no one would ever want to be born, you know?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: I want one honest billboard in the middle of nowhere that's like, did you know after 35 days in the womb your fetus already has teeth?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: But their parents don't.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: That's why abortion always gets made illegal.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: There's pro-life billboards.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: There's no pro-abortion billboards.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: Why don't we get involved in the propaganda?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's why liberals loses everything.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_02: We're such fucking pussies.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: We're not we're not willing to fight dirty.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: We gotta put up billboards to convince them to have abortions, you know?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_02: Put them a billboard in the middle of West Virginia that's like, did you know after 43 days in the womb, your fetus already thinks socialism's a good idea?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: Better dead than red, right, brother?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: Abortion prevents stretch marks and Karl Marx.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's funny if you're smart enough to get it.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's not my fault if you're stupid.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: My comedy's for smart people who fuck.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: So if you don't like it, maybe you're a dumb little beta virgin.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: That's not my fault.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: That's your path in life, but my my art's not for you.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: That's not who it's not who it's for.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: Let's do another great.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, this one's so funny.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: Sonnel, who do you bank with, man?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: No one's ever made banking funny.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: I dare to dream.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: Who's your bank?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: Chase.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Chase.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, another wrong answer from a great man.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: We all know what the best bank is, folks.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_02: Say it with me.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: Wells Fargo! The greatest bank of all time.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: They are.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone should bank with Wells Fargo.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: This is true.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: This is a financial hack for you fucking poor motherfuckers.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: This is a little hack.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: Wells Fargo's the greatest bank of all time, and this is why.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: Wells Fargo refuses to stop breaking the law.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Every three to five months, Wells Fargo commits a massive felony, and then I receive a class action lawsuit payment.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: Every three months I get an email from Wells Fargo, like, ooh, oopsie.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: We sent all your money to Boko Haram.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Here's$125 with someone.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: That won't happen again.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then three months later they email me like, oh now it happened again.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: We used your Roth IRA to fund the invasion of Ukraine.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: You're technically a war criminal.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_02: Don't worry, we'll wave those overdraft fees.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: Well Spargo fucking rips, dude.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: Every like eight months, they'll email me and they'll be like, someone is hacking your account and is making fraudulent purchases.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: And that person's name is Well Spargo.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, you should change your password.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, well I'm pink.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: Sunel, how do you want me to end the set?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_02: Sex or politics?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: What do you want at the end, Sonnell?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: Politics, thank you.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: Sex jokes are easy.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: They're hacked.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: Let's take a fucking challenge, Sonnell.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_02: Who are you voting for in the fall, Sonnell?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: Big year.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: Who you voting for?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: Biden.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, you hate to hear a little cuck in the front.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: Are we still voting, folks?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: How embarrassing is that?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: You're like, no, this time they're telling the truth, though.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: No, this billionaire's looking out for the little guy.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_02: Shit's so embarrassing.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: Isn't it embarrassing when people blame their lives on whoever the current president is?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: That shit's so weak and pathetic.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: All my friends did that during Trump in Brooklyn.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, Donald Trump is running my life.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: No one made you get a degree in slam poetry, dude.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: Like, no.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: Look inward, man.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: And now all my hick uncles are like, Joe Biden's ruining my fucking life.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, I didn't know Joe Biden introduced you to Percocet in 2010.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: I think that was Hunter Biden, actually.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: He was the big closer.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think anyone's actually liberal or conservative deep down.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_02: I think politics is context-based.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like people are anti-abortion until their mistress gets pregnant.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: You know, like people are anti-cop until they get mugged, you know?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: Like I'm pro-immigrant.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: Let them all in until I talk to a British person.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: The second I hear someone go, I'm from Britain, I'm like, then get the fuck out, dude.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: We fought a goddamn war, so we won't have to hear that bullshit anymore.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: We gotta end there.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: Have a good night.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Bye.