Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep5: "Keep It in Your Pants, Please" 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep5: "Keep It in Your Pants, Please" 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I uh finally started taking more stands in my life.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I um I don't go to the zoo anymore.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do it, you know?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's like you're not even seeing the animal.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's not the animal.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't know how to fight, it doesn't know how to hunt, it just is the most domesticated version of the animal.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: They just throw food at it all day.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's not a lion.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever seen a zoo lion roar?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: It can't even roar, it's like, rah, I guess.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like it has no confidence.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's never had a struggle in its life, you know?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: If a zoo lion and me saw a lion from the wild, we would run together.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, not at the same speed, but the same direction.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: That zoo lion would be like, he's from the streets! No?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't care.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't care when people die at the zoo.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the lion that killed you?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: The Urkel of Lions is the lion that murdered you.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: The Sheldon of Lions is the lion that killed you.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't even mean to kill you.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Zoo animals never mean to kill the person.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: They just slapped you and were like, the meat's not coming out of this one.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: I have no idea what it's he's being difficult.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, honestly, most of us have been to the zoo.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And we're here now.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Which means we made it.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're clearly not losing any scholars at the zoo.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: No one who has died at the zoo has ever started since with therefore.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're not losing the best.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm actually, I'm not, I can't judge anybody though, because I am truly embarrassed about how much I'm still finding out about the world.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like at a certain point, you'd like to feel like an adult, and I know things, I have a base of knowledge, and I move from there, but that's not the case.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm learning things every day.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I this next thing, look, I didn't know.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: I did not know.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't get mad at me.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea that there were people in this world.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: The volume and frequency of men in this world taking a picture of their penis and just sending it to women.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea how it's happening every hour of every day, all over the world.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't ask for the picture.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want the picture and they can't unsee the picture, you know?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I found this out because it hit close to home.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because you ladies do a thing as well.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Or you'll go out, maybe it's by yourself or maybe it's with your friends, you'll go out and you'll meet a guy and you don't really like him.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like maybe there's no connection, there's no chemistry, you guys just aren't clicking.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it is, but you don't really like him.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: So at the end of the night, he asks you for your number.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: And you give him your number.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: But you give him one number off.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: You give him one number wrong, okay?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's the first number, maybe it's the last number, it's just not your number.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I know that because I've been that number.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: For a period of six months, there was some random woman out in the world giving strange men my number.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: And for a period of six months, I was receiving penises in my phone.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: It was terrible.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'd wake up in the morning.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Thank the Lord for a new day.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'd do what we all do.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'd roll over and I'd check my phone.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: See what's going on in the world, see who's thinking about me.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: And there would be penises in my face.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: One of the most distressing things about this is that it wasn't even like, hey, what's up?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's Mark from last night, penis.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was just straight to the penis.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, not even seeing it who I am, you know, not even seeing who how my day is going.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: I lived in fear of my own phone.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: My phone would buzz and I would pray there weren't two penises in my pants.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was so many that honestly I had to figure out what the plural for penis is was.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I decided on penises.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I I I think I've got to stop.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think I gotta stop.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And uh this is actually a tip for you ladies if you want to use it.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if you want men to stop sending you unsolicited pictures of their penis, all you need to do is what I did, which is send a picture of a penis back.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: They will not know what to do.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: They'll be terrified.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: No one is less prepared to receive a picture of a penis than a man that just sent a picture of a penis to what he thought was a woman.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: They'll be terrified.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: There's actually one where if you look at the text check, it's just a picture of a penis, a picture of my penis.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then him going, Stephanie?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's hurricane season again.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: This happens every year.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Every year, hurricane season hits five major states in the U.S.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: the hardest.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: And every year, there are people who refuse to evacuate and then they die for no reason.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, these are also five states with the highest frequencies and most outlandish cases of discrimination.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I think I figured out how to save these people.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to get these people to evacuate, you need to stop naming hurricanes, boring white people names, and name them something that these people will actually be terrified of, you know?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: No one's scared of Hurricane Bobby.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know Bobby's.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Bobby's are delightful, okay?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: The Bobby I know he brings brisket to brunch.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: He is amazing.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: He would never do those things that the news said he was gonna do in my neighborhood.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna scare these people, you need to get on the news like tropical storm black son-in-law is coming down the Florida panhandle.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's a tropical storm now, but it could graduate to a category five mixed grandbabies.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like you wanna get people, truly, you wanna get people to get out of Georgia.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: You can't be like Hurricane Sebastian, is gonna- Sebastian doesn't even sound like he would hurt anybody.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Sebastian sound like the worst thing that he do is roast you about the wallpaper.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't sound like he's gonna rip the roof off.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have to be like, Hurricane woman president is coming, whether you like it or not.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: She's headed here.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hurricane Irma.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty sure Hurricane Irma was one of the least evacuated hurricanes of all time.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't even respect her, you know?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because honestly, Irma sounds like she won't fall away from not being a hurricane anymore.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: You want to get these people out of Texas, you need to be like, hurricane, Mexican immigrant millionaire.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I need to make a confession to you guys.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um I can't see very well.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I have uh bad eyes.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: My eyes are very dumb.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I might as well have two feet where my eyes are.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's how useful my eyes are.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I actually went to the optometrist and he sat me down and he put the thing in front of my face.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it's called, but it's the thing from the Justin Timberlake album where he like put it from and then and then he was like better, worse, better, worse.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, it's all bad.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, better, worse.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, can't you just tell me?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I can't tell you I don't have your eyes.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just try better, worse.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, none of it's good.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then he put his hands on his knees and exhaled, walked out, and then his nurse walked in and said he rescheduled, and he never did.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: So my optometrist ghosted me.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: So my eyes are still very bad.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I tell that story because I was getting a smoothie.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was getting a smoothie at a Julius Caesar.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's a smoothie place.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, you know what?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's not Julius Caesar, it's Orange Julius.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: But I couldn't see the sign well until very recently someone told me it wasn't Julius Caesar.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Either way, I was there, right?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was there, and I they put the the name of the smoothie in big letters, and they put all the ingredients in little letters.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: So then I was leaning forward on the counter as far as I could.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: My stomach was on the counter.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was leaning just to see what was in one of the smoothies that I might like, right?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: So then the the cashier, she's turned around, she's bent over, she's doing something with supplies.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm leaning over the counter as much as I can.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: But then she stands up, she turns around, and we're nose to nose.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then she limboed on me.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: She leaned back as far as she could.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I wanted to explain to her, ma'am, I wasn't trying to kiss you, alright?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I have very bad eyes.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I actually went to the optometrist, he put the thing in front of my face.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it's called, but it's the thing from the Justin Teberlake album.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't want to explain all that, so I was just like, I don't love you, and walked away.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is very embarrassing to admit, but um when I was a kid, all the way up until like young adulthood, I thought that I could see the future.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then I realized I just had common sense.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like I'll give you my best example.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um I uh had a friend from Chicago call me and he told me he got his girlfriend pregnant by accident.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, dude, I knew you were gonna do that three years ago.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, How?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: How is that possible?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've only known her for a year.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh bro, I knew you were gonna do that when I saw you walking around with no case on your phone.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I knew you weren't thinking ahead, you weren't taking precautions, you were living reckless, you know.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have a case on your phone, of course you're not wrapping it up.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, just walking around loose phone all day.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I've also been thinking a lot about the concept of karma.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because we misused the term karma, you know?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like um, I was in Chicago and I was I was in the South Side, like the hundreds, and I got robbed.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then I saw the guy that robbed me get robbed one block down.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's amazing, but that's not karma.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: I knew a kid in school.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I knew a kid in school that um his favorite pastime was just making fun of fat people.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's all he did, all the time, nonstop.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: It was like he did it even in front of people.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: It was to the point where I couldn't hang out with them anymore.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously this thing is coming from like an insecurity that he had, so then he got a little bit older, he started working out and everything to the point where he got yoked, like prison ripped.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like just terrifying, right?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: And he got so ripped top to bottom, but in the middle section, he had three abs.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: How?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're supposed to come with a pack of six, you're three light.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's hilarious, but that's not karma.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Karma is about what you did in a past life and you know, how you handle it in the next life, and burning off your karma has a lot to do with reincarnation and coming back, having many lives and and and many forms, you know?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because I had a I had a situation with this guy.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this guy, I was hanging out with my friends and he bumped into me really hard.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: And uh it was just a point where I said something, I was like, hey, calm down, there's no fire or anything, you know.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then he got in my face and he wanted to fight me, and it was wild.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: I was just like, this is I don't want to fight anybody, it's just you bumped into me and you didn't say anything, you know?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And he's nose to nose with me, and he's like, why don't you just why don't you just go eat some chicken or something?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Which, like, that's a weird one.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's about as awkward as it is racist, you know what I mean?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it was to the point where I felt bad for him.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, do you want to try one more time?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Or like it actually makes me confident that he's not a racist.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: A racist would know what to do in this situation.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: But I've been thinking, if karma is real and reincarnation is real, and you are a racist, then I hope that you die.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I hope that you die and you're reincarnated as a chicken.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like it's the only way to fix this racism, because yes, you'll be racist, you'll die, you'll come back as a chicken, I will fry you.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: I will fry you personally, okay?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be delicious.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tear meat from bone.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not just chicken, honestly.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like all the poultry can get it.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Every lamb bird, you know?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: All of them.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Roosters are the most racist.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: We never talk about it, but they are.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, roosters wake up racist.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Every day they wake up, they see the sun before us, and they're like, That's every day.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: And we act like we don't hear it, but it's right there.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Every time I hear the You Confederate master.