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These thing can lead to a divorce Pt. 1 · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey there, it's Doc David with Hedgehink Inc., and today we're going to talk a little bit about some of the things that lead to divorce.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to and drink ink.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your ancestor life relationships.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Daily living.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hey all Doc David.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I know you haven't heard from me in a while.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're thinking, what?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: He's still alive.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it is the summer after all, and I've been gone on some R, as it were, and uh traveled across the country, traveled to Wisconsin, um, and back.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: So it's been a glorious um several weeks off.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was working during some of that time as well, so it's not like I just have all this time I can take off.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but no, I'm back now and gonna try to get back into the regular routine of things.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so um today I want to talk about uh things that can lead to divorce.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now I have written down ten things, so this is probably going to be a two-part um podcast.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: So today we'll talk about the five things.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: So the reason I think it's important to talk about something like this is because when life is going generally well um for people and they're just kind of just plugging along, people sometimes get stuck in a rut or they don't focus on the things that they should be focusing on, and they they start to take things for granted, and then before you know it, um they are disconnected from their spouse or their their spouse is not interested in the things that they're that you're interested in anymore, and there's this drifting apart that takes place.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so I think it's important to pay attention to that.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter whether you've been married a year, doesn't matter whether you've been married 20 years or 30 years, it's important to stay aware of potential challenges in relationships, even if you're super used to the person, um it's important to stay focused and stay in the relationship.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I these are in no particular order.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: These are just some things that have come up as I've worked with couples over the years, some areas that pay attention to that you know, if you if you are not paying attention, these could sneak up on you and kind of sabotage your marriage marital relationship.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um so number one, well maybe this should be number one on the list, but uh one is that you just don't have enough time.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: So kids are in sports Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, every other Saturday.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: We're in the summer right now, and so daily doubles are gonna start if they haven't started already for football, for example, and so you're dragging your kid to football, um, or you're dragging your kids down to the swimming hole or whatever.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Mom and dad work late in the evening and then they go to the gym or they go to yoga when they can fit it in.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so this busyness that happens um kills definitely kills intimacy and kills relationships because when you get so busy on trying to provide all these uh distracting activities for your kids and distracting activities for yourself, you start losing um time.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And when you start losing time and you stop keeping actual good track of your time, you the first thing often to go is connection with your significant other.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're trying to help all these other things run well and run smoothly.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so my biggest suggestion is that you give up some things to make time for the important people in your life.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: What this may mean is that you actually have to take your kids out of sports, ah um, or you may have to take your kid out of dance, or you maybe won't be able to take him to see their horses.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um night.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um those are all self-care type things.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, the last couple were for adults mostly, but you will never regret uh making your relationships better.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um it takes hard work and there's probably some sacrifice that is involved at times to make relationships better.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: But you will not like you will not regret it.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: One of the things that people often say is on your tombstone, you will never see I wish I had more time for yoga, or I wish I had more time for fill in the blank.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: What you will see is people saying, beloved father, beloved brother, wife, etc.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: People love you and they want to spend time with you.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think it's important to make time, and if that means cutting out what I'm gonna call non-essentials, then you cut that you cut out the non-essentials.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, your kid is probably not gonna be the next Michael Jordan, they're probably not gonna be the next Derek Jeter, um, they're probably not gonna be the next super sports star.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so putting all this focus in on tournaments, traveling across country, going places, it you have to weigh that versus um the kind of relationship you're having with your spouse.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're finding that that's taking up a lot of the relationship time, you might need to cut it out.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that's like that's horrific to hear, and I'll probably get emails about why that's why I don't know what I'm talking about.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: But I've seen so many relationships ruined, not necessarily the divorced, but relationships ruined by focusing on kids and kids' sports and activities, and then there's nothing for left for mom and dad to hang out.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: So uh not enough time is a potential area that could lead to a breakup of relationship.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um number two, money.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Going into debt over frivolous things, not agreeing on where to spend money, having separate accounts and having secrets and things like that with your accounts, these are the kind of things that are definitely going to lead to tension in relationships.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: And the tension over long periods of time will fracture relationships and create sides, especially the having separate accounts one that that really, you know, it may seem practically like a good idea, but there's something about that that creates division um in relationships.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: This this is my money and that's your money.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's definitely not a good idea, generally speaking.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think it's a good idea if you're married to somebody or you're in a relationship with somebody that has like a gambling addiction or something like that, but but generally speaking, um, it's not necessarily a good idea to have separate accounts.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um teaching your kids how to manage finances is important.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: This is one way to um be of one mind on money.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it gives them their own strengths that they can use in their own relationships, and then you and your partner are you know having actual conversations about money and having conversations about where money is going.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um but not being on the same page about money potentially can cause challenges in the relationship.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Not being on the same page consistently for sure will cause challenges in the relationship.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, number three, family.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there's some families that are obviously dysfunctional and they're obviously not enjoyable to be in.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's some families that from the outside appear to be completely great and functional and working out well, but when tough times come, um the challenges and the cracks show through.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times many many couples don't know how to break away from their family of origin.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and this can definitely lead to some unforeseen problems.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're in a relationship with somebody, but you always are placing priority on your parents, siblings, and other extended family members, your marriage is I'm fairly certain your marriage is going to be doomed or your relationship is going to be doomed long term because you need to be placing the importance on the relationship that's right there in front of you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And now that's not to say that those other replac relationships are unimportant.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: What it is saying is that there's priority in relationships.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the priority is that, in my opinion, you should be placing priority on the person that you are in a relationship with and that is the father or mother of your children.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you're always if or if you're often giving into your family of origins requests for things, or if you're always going to someone's house for a holiday and not another person's house for a holiday, this is going to cause problems in your relationship.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so the sooner you can recognize that and deal with it, the better.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, self-centeredness.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I I draw a distinction between selfishness and self-centeredness.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: And and, you know, some people kind of roll their eyes, mainly my wife, when I draw this distinction.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, there's this thing called self-care that people do, like going out, getting manic, manny petty, getting a massage, going out to the lake and fishing.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there's things that people do that I call self-care, that some people call, well, that's selfish.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um then there's self-centeredness.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the bigger adjustments in marriage is sharing things.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can't share or you find it difficult, you need to figure out how to get over this because it's gonna cause problems in your relationship.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the sooner you can treat your spouse like they want to be treated, the which has to do with not being self-centered, um, the less likely your relationship or marriage is gonna end up in divorce.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: So when you make your relationship about yourself, which would be self-centeredness, it sucks for everyone else, and no one wants to be around a self-centered person.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a codependent person may want to be around a self-centered person, but generally speaking, most average, stable people don't want to be around self-centered people.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because it's just no fun.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: They're always looking out for themselves.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And this includes your children.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've worked with children before who will say their parents, one of their parents was miserable to be around because they're just so self-centered.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: Everything was was about them.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: And that that's I mean, self-care is okay, but being self-centered is not okay.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And if anyone tells you that you're self-centered, you should take that comment very seriously and not just brush it off.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because most people won't easily say something like that.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: But if they do say that, then it's something to pay attention to.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um number five, intimacy.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're not doing intimacy, then you better get started because the less passion in your mar marriage, the more likely it is that your relationship's gonna end.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: And intimacy isn't just about sex.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of people mistake that, oh, you're just talking about sex, and if there's no sex, no, I'm talking about holding hands.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about sitting next to one another on a couch.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm talking about snuggling.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about talking about your dreams.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: These are all kinds of things that are um relationship builders and they build intimacy between two people.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you're not doing that, if you're not doing that with your um spouse, male or female, they are gonna find people to do that with.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably that's how emotional affairs and then physical affairs take place.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: They don't start out with this idea of I'm gonna go have sex with that person.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: They usually start out with, I'm feeling miserable in my relationship, and I need to talk to somebody about it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And instead of going to a counselor, they go to a friend, a coworker, and then they start having these little intimate conversations that shouldn't be happening, and then that intimacy turns into bigger things, like I said before, emotional affairs or physical affairs.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um, don't refuse to be intimate, it's a marriage killer.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a lot of times people have a hard time being intimate because there's such resentment that that's in a um in a relationship over time.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And what I often say is that resentment kills intimacy, and it does.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's like if you're not able to get over resentment because of some past issue that's taken place in your relationship, and you just kind of keep harboring that resentment, that's gonna kill any kind of intimacy.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times the person that you're resentful to towards doesn't realize it.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: And if they just realize that wow, you're resentful about this thing, they most of the time would apologize to you to make and make things right.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where communication is important in relationships.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um but intimacy is definitely a place that could potentially um the lack of it cause challenges in in your relationship, and you don't want those challenges when you could easily take care of them.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: So next episode is going to be five more ideas that I think potentially lead to um possible divorce or possible relationship breakups.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, if you like what you hear, please email me and let me know or give me a like.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: My Facebook page is doc David, and you can email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: I will be bringing back another podcast next week, the second part of things that lead to a divorce.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening in.