Latest / ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong / When to say 'Yes' or 'No' in Social Dancing? (S05 Ep54)

Transcript

When to say 'Yes' or 'No' in Social Dancing? (S05 Ep54) · ZoukNerds • Learn | Build | Belong

0:00
The issue starts when you said no to someone and right after
0:05
that you want to say yes to. That person, Allison, I am a
0:08
customer. I pay to come to the social.
0:10
I'm going to dance with whoever I want to.
0:12
That dance can be the difference between them staying or leaving
0:14
the scene, the difference between how often they feel in
0:17
their dance. Guys, listen to this very
0:20
closely. Many times the people who really
0:23
energize me are the beginners. Not even Buddha was that open
0:27
and it's OK not survive with everybody.
0:30
But you know what, the worst thing that we can do is to watch
0:33
and do nothing. Please do the kind thing as a
0:36
person, as a human being. And if you see that somebody's
0:39
having a hard time in the community, try to seek help for
0:42
them or try to at least let people know, people that you
0:45
trust and know that they can do something about it to help those
0:48
people. When is it OK to decline a
0:52
dance? Should we always say yes?
0:55
And how we can say no without feeling guilty.
0:59
Well, let's find out. Hello.
1:02
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Zooknarians.
1:05
In this episode, we are addressing a highly requested
1:09
topic, how to handle social dance invitations.
1:13
This is a deeply sensitive and personal subject.
1:17
We'll be sharing our own stories of when we've said yes, when
1:21
we've said no, and the reasons behind it.
1:24
We'll also explore the energy, the vibes, and the personal
1:28
boundaries that influence our choices on the dance floor.
1:32
Join us as we explore how a simple yes or no can impact the
1:37
entire atmosphere of a social and offer some ways to find that
1:42
perfect rhythm. So let's go.
1:53
Hello, hello everyone and welcome back to another episode.
1:58
My name is Alison Sanji and let's welcome once again our
2:02
beautiful Co host Deep Prada. Hello, GI.
2:06
Hello, Alison. Hello, everybody.
2:08
Excited for this episode? It's going to be a good one.
2:11
Oh yes, it's going to be a good one.
2:13
And it's going to be one that I think we're going to go into
2:18
multiple different ways. So buckle up.
2:21
It's going to be interesting. Today we want to talk about the
2:26
biggest, I think, anxiety that we all have in social dancing,
2:30
saying yes and saying no. Is it OK to say no?
2:35
Should we always say yes? When should we say yes?
2:39
When should we say no? This is such a big topic.
2:44
Then I'll tell you what already, maybe spoiler alert, I don't
2:49
think we have the final answer for everybody.
2:52
We will not have that final answer for everybody.
2:55
I think it's impossible, but we're here and we'd love to
2:59
share our experience and how we deal with this.
3:03
So let's start with that, right? It says Ricky Wan and I think
3:07
right away I want to say yes. Super OK, super fine to say no
3:14
if they want to dance with someone.
3:15
If for any reason you want to skip that dance, the issue
3:20
starts to come when you said no to someone.
3:25
And right after that someone comes and invited you to dance
3:28
and you want to say yes to that person, but you just said no.
3:32
They would get started with their hardest scenario there and
3:36
go from there. And in my journey, guys, by
3:42
default, if I just said no to someone and someone else invites
3:47
me to dance and I want to dance with that person, I would say,
3:49
look, I just said no to that other person over there.
3:52
And do you mind if we dance later?
3:57
Because many times I say no because I'm tired, because I
4:01
need to rest for some reason. Most times I say no because I'm
4:04
tired. There are some instances in
4:07
which I say no because I need to conserve energy and not
4:12
necessarily physical energy, small lavaca, metaphysical like
4:17
emotional energy as well. And sometimes the dancing draws
4:21
some of the energy away and some people are able to restore their
4:27
energy. So I'm kind of like saving dance
4:29
to those who when I dance with them, I know it's going to bring
4:32
back energy up, the energy beyond the physical.
4:37
But most times it's because I'm tired or because I need to rest.
4:40
But there is a fire like in Portuguese, they say fire in
4:43
there, you know, foul no, which is this desire to do something.
4:49
Even if you're tired, if completely depleted, you still
4:52
want to do it. So this person that I really
4:54
want to dance with invites me to dance and I just said no to
4:57
someone. So it's also an exercise for me
5:01
to control this impulse to keep dancing all the time.
5:06
So I tell, look, I just said no and I need to rest here.
5:13
And by default I do that. And it's also because I feel bad
5:16
too. I would feel very bad because I
5:20
have had the situation which I invited someone to dance.
5:23
They said no to me because they were tired.
5:25
They said I'm resting. And then I turn around and I sit
5:29
there, dance with someone else with all the energy.
5:33
At the time, I didn't have the understanding.
5:36
Today I do. So if that happens today,
5:39
anything happened kind of recently, I'll look at it and
5:42
I'll say, oh, I'm OK, super fine.
5:44
You know, I understand humans are complex, but I still can't
5:48
do it really well. I still feel bad.
5:51
Yeah. What about you guys?
5:54
Well, I think that changes from person to person.
5:56
And before I put my personal opinion here, I'm just going to
6:00
say at first, let's talk about a customer, right, As a customer.
6:06
And I've had many students who are very particular about this.
6:10
They're very open and they say, Allison, I am a customer, I pay
6:16
to come to the social, I'm going to dance with whoever I want to.
6:19
And what can I say? They are right.
6:22
They have the right to do that. They have absolutely the right
6:26
to pick anyone that they want to dance with.
6:29
Maybe two people only. That's it.
6:31
Fine. Now, is that what I would
6:34
recommend for somebody who wants to be part of the community, and
6:39
I'm going to repeat this again, someone who wants to be part of
6:44
the community, who wants to feel like people will be there for
6:47
them when they need, that they will be there for other people
6:52
when those people need? I don't think so.
6:55
But yes, you can. Now for somebody who wants to be
6:58
part of community like GI, like myself, who are also teachers,
7:05
but even if we remove the teacher situation, the organizer
7:10
situation, whatever you can label us as as someone who wants
7:14
to be part of the community, I'm going to be more mindful and I'm
7:18
going to be more open about why and how.
7:23
So if somebody asked me to dance, same thing, copy and
7:26
paste from gay. If I'm tired, I'm going to say
7:29
I'm having a break. Or maybe I don't enjoy the
7:32
music, or maybe I just had a dance and that dance either made
7:37
me feel a certain way very positively or not, and I need a
7:42
time to just deal with that feeling before I can step into
7:47
the social again and continue dancing.
7:51
And yes, many times I felt terrible because I would like to
7:55
dance but not with that person that just asked me.
8:00
And let me explain why there are people like you said that we
8:05
already know we've danced with them so many times.
8:09
Within those people that we've danced so many times, there are
8:12
people that can re energize us, and there are people that have
8:18
maybe a high exectation of us. Out of those people that I
8:22
already know, if I'm tired, if something's off, I may want to
8:27
say yes to that person that I know will hold this space for
8:31
me. And I'm saying re energize, not
8:34
in a way that they're going to make me feel like dancing hype
8:37
and dancing explosive, but they'll just bring me back in
8:42
line and they will help me through holding space for more
8:46
or for less, just putting me back into where I needed to be.
8:52
But then there's the other people that I know that if I
8:54
dance with them, they have a certain expectation.
8:58
And those are the people that I know and like to dance with.
9:01
And this person, I might say, look, not right now, but can we
9:06
dance later? Same thing.
9:07
And then there's the other people that we don't know at
9:10
all. You know, we haven't danced at
9:13
all or we haven't danced enough. And then there's that
9:17
interaction. And a lot of the times it comes
9:21
from the interaction. I may be on the verge, don't
9:25
know if I'm about to stop, don't know yet.
9:28
And then person comes. I feel that energy and that
9:33
energy is just not compatible with how I'm feeling right now.
9:37
And then I just say no. I say, look, no, I'm sorry.
9:40
I'm going to have a break. But I'll be honest here, I
9:43
didn't need to have a break, but I decided to take a break
9:47
because I had the option to either say yes to that person,
9:50
not knowing what was going to happen but feeling a certain
9:54
type of energy that wasn't very welcoming to me, or go for it
9:59
and deal with the consequence. Which is something that I did
10:02
for very, very long and never made me feel good because in the
10:08
middle of the dance I was like, oh God, this is not good.
10:13
And if I was like at 20% battery, that dance took me
10:18
straight down to 0. You know, maybe I could have had
10:21
another dance that I finished at maybe 15%, but that specific
10:25
dance took me straight down to zero.
10:28
And let's be clear here, we are not talking about level of
10:32
experience. We're not talking about how many
10:35
spins you can do. We're not talking about anything
10:39
like that. Guys.
10:42
Listen to this very closely. Many times the people who really
10:47
energize me are the beginners. I'll be very honest.
10:52
They re energize me because of the passion, because everything
10:56
is beautiful. Because of all of those things.
10:58
Usually, I'm more often saying no to the people that are more
11:03
experienced because of that certain expectation that they
11:08
have dancing with me, that we're going to do this, we're going to
11:11
do that, or that this is going to be the dance of the night for
11:15
them. Yeah.
11:17
So please, anything that we talk about in today's episode is not
11:23
relating to any level of experience or quality of
11:26
technique or anything like that. It's very much the energy, the
11:29
feeling, the vibe that you're feeling from that person or
11:33
maybe if you're already dancing with somebody, the touch, the
11:37
way that you're holding each other, the way that they're
11:41
either engaging and expressing things with you or not.
11:46
Those are the things that can really change the battery into
11:50
recharging mode or like depleting mode.
11:53
I'm glad you highlighted that, Allison, because he has
11:56
absolutely nothing to do with the level.
11:59
When you talked about it, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
12:01
yeah. It's good to talk about this
12:03
because young people might think no, but it's not at all.
12:08
And I want to repeat that I said maybe in one episode when people
12:12
ask the famous questions. What are your favorite dancers?
12:14
Who are your favorite people to dance with?
12:16
In my top five list that I used to have, two of those people
12:21
were my favorite dances from the day they stepped in class in
12:26
Basics 1. You know, So there is really
12:29
nothing to do with the level here.
12:32
And you mentioned the thing of the paying customer.
12:35
And I was thinking about the fact that Brazilian Zook scenes
12:39
around the world are still quite small in general.
12:44
So it's almost like leaving a small town, you know, and even a
12:47
small town, everybody knows who marry who, and everybody knows
12:50
who is with who, and everybody knows who arrived, the newcomer
12:54
who is leaving. So there is a knowledge about
12:57
everybody and everything and for many years of my life, my dance
13:04
life, I was a both sister. So I did classes for free in
13:09
Rio. In return I had to dance with
13:11
the students. At first there was like Oh my
13:15
God, I need to dance with the students, blah blah.
13:18
But then over time that became part of the mindset in a way
13:22
that I started enjoying it. So dancing with everybody was
13:26
something that I started really enjoying to the fact that the
13:29
beginners social was my favorite social.
13:32
There was a social just for beginners back in the day called
13:35
Bailin to Tointo, which is the Tointo party, the Tointo social
13:40
and the beginners were specifically identified with the
13:44
little ribbon, I think was the orange ribbon and we need to
13:47
find them and dance with them. The thing is that the dream of
13:51
every both sister was for one day to become a student, meaning
13:56
be able to pay for class or be able to pay for the social and
14:00
choose who they want to dance with.
14:02
And then I did that eventually and guys, I paid for a advanced
14:07
Balletto class and I didn't change partners, I didn't
14:11
rotate. I was with my partner the whole
14:14
time. And then I start paying for the
14:16
socials, same thing. I'll go to the social and this
14:20
with one or two people. Sometimes I would meet the
14:24
person at the door, go in, dance for 40 minutes with just that
14:28
person and go home happy. You know, a friend of mine,
14:33
someone that I really like to dance with, I would message, are
14:36
you going to social? Can I Just Dance with you the
14:38
whole night? And why did I say about the
14:41
small town? First is the other dance scenes
14:44
that I was a part of, they were big cities, so the scene was
14:49
big. So the fact that I dance with
14:51
just one person did not have any impact in the House of the scene
14:56
because it was like this 100 people there, people have a good
15:00
time, not caring at all about what I was doing.
15:05
In the Brazilian zoo community, it's much smaller.
15:08
So when you go ahead and then you become more selective or you
15:12
dance with to the point that I was there, Just Dance with one
15:15
person. It does have an impact in the
15:18
overall feeling of the social and the overall vibe of
15:22
everything and stuff like that. So as a paying customer, I was a
15:26
paying customer, like being completely on my own, kind of
15:30
going to do my thing and that's it given the circumstances.
15:33
However, after I started teaching resident Zook and like
15:37
visiting the Zook things and listening to the complaints and
15:42
adding to what Allison was saying, being part of a
15:44
community, I think it is nice overall in the long run.
15:50
It might not bring you immediate satisfaction until your mindset
15:54
shifts, but in the long run, I think he's very healthy.
15:59
To save a moment of your social to yes, say yes to everybody or
16:05
most people you know and be attentive to your battery,
16:09
noticing when you have the capacity to do it, noticing when
16:12
you don't have the capacity to do it, and it varies.
16:15
It changes over the course of the night.
16:19
I know some people that take like longer breaks, but they
16:21
keep dancing all night and then they say yes, they say no, but
16:26
they are there, they're dancing with the people.
16:29
So nobody needs to be like I am. Sometimes when the moment that I
16:32
start dancing, I just keep going until the music stops.
16:35
You know, something that I'm trying to do less, but it's just
16:38
like giving time for your body, for your mind to rest, for you
16:43
to set and reset and everything else.
16:46
So in the end of the day, considering that Brazilian Zook
16:50
is a smaller scene, I would just invite people to thinking if you
16:57
realize the huge impacts that it can have for them to dance with
17:02
more people in the social. And when they say no, when they
17:06
say yes, that no. And the yes is made with
17:10
awareness of your internal battery of like what you really
17:14
want, you know? And if you said no to someone
17:18
1st and then somebody else invited you dance later.
17:22
Be mindful as well of the other person.
17:25
If it was you in that position like I was, I felt terrible.
17:30
So that's why I can't do it. But anyway, just realizing the
17:33
aspect of the size of the scene and how that can impact you know
17:39
and Alison, I think you will ended up not talking about your
17:43
personal experience of saying no, saying yes and all this
17:49
stuff. For me, I think it's very much
17:52
something that I was about to bring as a suggestion.
17:56
I like to structure everything in my life, but I like to
18:00
structure the social into parts, OK?
18:04
The beginning of the social is when I'm there the most for
18:08
everyone. I want to change part as much as
18:11
possible, Change, change, change, change, change, change,
18:13
change. And then in the middle of the
18:17
social, I'm more like whatever happens.
18:20
Sometimes I'll dance a little longer, sometimes I'll dance a
18:22
little shorter, whatever happens.
18:25
And then at the end, I save this space for myself.
18:29
I'm going to be more selective. That's it.
18:33
That's how I do it. And that's how I think a lot of
18:36
you can find a balance. You know, if you don't want to
18:40
dance with tons of people, you just want to dance with one
18:43
person, you can do that anytime. But I'll say avoid the beginning
18:47
of the party because that can really affect the beginning of
18:51
the party when there are people already dancing with each other
18:55
for very, very, very long. So the beginning of the party,
18:58
let's try to rotate more. We can also give a tip for DJs
19:03
out there for teachers out there at the beginning of the party,
19:06
maybe first hour or two, try to use less perfect transition
19:12
things, sets or skills plus 5 minutes to 10 minutes songs that
19:20
feels like it's never changing. Try to be more intentional and
19:25
obvious about the music change. I'm not saying let the music
19:29
stop and have a completely silenced room, but yeah, that's
19:33
what I'd at the beginning, when I'm full of energy and my
19:37
emotions are still like, yeah, let's go, let's go, let's go.
19:41
That's when I feel like I can change partners more.
19:44
But yes, in the middle I'm more like, hey, can we dance the next
19:49
song or can we dance in a few songs?
19:52
The music right now, it's not vibing with me or if it's
19:57
somebody that I know that I want to dance with, they'll say, hey,
20:00
can we dance later in the night? The music is a little too much
20:03
of this or too much of that. And I would love to have a dance
20:06
with you later when the music is more like this, you know, And
20:10
then there's just those situations where you know that
20:14
you don't want to dance with that person at the beginning, in
20:16
the middle, in the end, today, tomorrow or next week, maybe six
20:21
months or 12 months if something really happens and something
20:25
really changes. But.
20:26
There's just some people that you don't vibe with.
20:29
You wouldn't go and grab a coffee with them, You wouldn't
20:31
have a dinner with them, you wouldn't walk to the bus with
20:34
them. Like it's just that.
20:36
And that doesn't mean that person is a bad person or a bad
20:39
dancer or anything like that. It just means that you don't
20:42
vibe with that person. Yeah.
20:44
What to do in that situation? What do you do again?
20:48
Oh man, it's so hard. The situation is so hard.
20:52
I'm thinking about like when that happens or the dancers that
20:59
exist out in the world that I have a hard time vibing with and
21:04
there is a barrier. I think that makes it very hard
21:08
for me to connect with that person in the most basic dance
21:12
level, which is, you know, just holding the opening brace and
21:16
let's do some basics. It's hard.
21:18
So there's like a barrier. It's like something going on and
21:21
I realize a couple things when that's happening, it's hard for
21:25
me to look the person in the eye.
21:27
There is a barrier of touch and there is a barrier of
21:31
communication. It's hard to stay around the
21:33
person talking for very long. So I realized, and that happened
21:39
as a teacher too. You know, sometimes there is a
21:42
student in class, there's someone in class that has the
21:46
thing, and then you you feel the sting in your field of view
21:49
going on and the signs are really similar.
21:53
Difficult to make eye contact. There's a physical barrier.
21:56
It's difficult for you to talk to that person, to give
21:59
feedback, all these things. Yeah, I just.
22:02
And I think you can identify with all of that.
22:06
Even just touching, yes, touching the person, there's
22:09
something that the chemistry, the vibes, the energy, all of
22:13
the things. They don't both say yes.
22:16
They say like this is weird. I don't know if they feel it,
22:19
but I feel it. Yeah, exactly.
22:22
I don't know if the other person feels it or if it's just us
22:24
going crazy, but I figured out a way on the student side, someone
22:31
in class. So I realized that I need to
22:34
break the visual contact barrier when I go through that part that
22:39
I can make visual connection with the person, talk to them
22:42
looking in the eye and stay there.
22:44
And then comes the physical barrier with like just touching
22:49
the shoulder to acknowledge their presence, you know, or
22:53
when going to talk to them, making some contact with the
22:56
body. And there has been sort of
22:59
regulating the nervous system that gets all fired up and gets
23:04
to the point in which it gets much better in the social
23:07
because we don't have that amount of time and that level of
23:11
exchange that is music playing. It's an invitation that is being
23:15
said. You don't have the time to talk.
23:17
These bears are still really powerful.
23:20
So I didn't find a way yet to go around this issue, mostly
23:27
because those who I have a hard time connection with in their
23:31
way don't come very often. Actually, they come around very
23:34
rarely, so I don't have time to slowly get there.
23:40
With those who are around be here more often.
23:43
There is no such an issue like that save exceptions.
23:48
That was the thing they were talking about.
23:49
Now is on the thing of the battery draining the battery
23:52
versus putting back energy in the battery.
23:55
And guys, I think that's just how things happen.
23:58
You know like in every group of people, there is the people who
24:02
are really energizing. There is a people who are less
24:05
energizing for you. I mean, as an individual, the
24:08
person you vibe with, the person you don't vibe with, because as
24:12
much as we talk that it would be nice for everybody to embrace as
24:16
many people as possible in the social, in the dense
24:20
environments, We know that that can be a little naive and that
24:24
you want people to have dead full openings of the Buddha, but
24:29
not even Buddha was that open. So I think it's important 1st to
24:33
acknowledge that there are these Aspen and it's OK not to vibe
24:37
with everybody and it's completely fine to say no to
24:42
some people just because you don't want to, you know, for
24:45
whatever reason being of course, we are aware of the
24:49
circumstances. We already, it's a small scene.
24:52
We are aware that that can have an impact.
24:55
But nothing's forever, you know, that one night, yeah, they were
24:59
more likely to dance with less people, you know, can be
25:02
compensated in another time that you feel more energized, that
25:06
you have more bandwidth to dance with more people, you know, So
25:10
just like bringing balance to things, which is the hardest
25:14
thing, That's what I think we are trying to do or we are
25:17
aiming to achieve, right? I think we follow these spoken
25:22
rules of engagement in how you're supposed to navigate
25:26
these things. There are the etiquettes, there
25:28
are the system values that we abide just by being part of a
25:33
community. And all this should like what we
25:37
should do in that environment. And I want to end this part here
25:42
and see how you think about this, Allison.
25:45
When they think about the idea of the customer, the paying
25:47
customer that wants to come and do their thing, you know, versus
25:52
the person who is coming for community to make it bigger,
25:58
make it better, make you happier or something like that.
26:00
You are playing with two very different and powerful energies
26:05
which are Eastern gratification versus gratification over time.
26:12
Like when you come and you do your thing, Eastern
26:14
gratification. Right now I'm getting what I
26:17
came for days with everybody. You know, it comes over time
26:22
when the scene gets bigger, healthier, better.
26:25
And that's I think when it comes to saying yes or no issue.
26:30
That's the thing that gets to me the most.
26:33
We are instant gratification, sometimes against gratification
26:39
over time, you know, like, what would be the argument or what
26:43
would be the way to ask people to be a little bit here, be a
26:48
little bit there? How do you go about these things
26:50
when they come up to you? 1st, I want to answer or connect
26:55
back to what you're saying. Dealing with situations where
26:59
you don't want to dance with somebody, I find that I do a
27:02
similar thing to you. You do the eye contact and
27:05
everything. For me, I like to talk to the
27:08
person and very recently this happened to me where I danced
27:13
with somebody one time. The things just didn't roll and
27:18
the energy wasn't right. The everything wasn't right for
27:21
me. I enjoyed the dance.
27:23
It was a fun dance, no problems with the dance, but I was just
27:25
like, no, I'm OK without it. And then a little bit later,
27:31
this person came and asked me for a dance again, maybe a month
27:35
or two later, and I was ready, like feeling like, oh God, oh
27:38
God, oh God, oh God, this is going to happen.
27:41
But then I decided to just have a chat with the person and got
27:45
to know a little bit more about the person.
27:47
And then I realized that, yes, what I felt was something off,
27:52
but it was something that the person was very aware that was
27:55
off and they were trying to work on it.
27:58
And that shifted things completely for me because they
28:01
said, oh, you know, I've been having a very hard time.
28:05
I really love this dance. But my body just, I don't know,
28:09
my body doesn't feel natural with this.
28:11
And I'm doing all the classes and I'm practicing so much.
28:15
I really want to get better at this.
28:17
I'm really trying to feel good with this dance because that
28:23
that's what I really want. And then I asked multiple
28:26
questions and I understood what was going on there.
28:29
And I'm like, now, you know, I feel a whole other different
28:34
type of vibe about that person because yes, they're aware, yes,
28:39
they're working on it. And now I want to hold their
28:41
hand and go like, let's go. Whatever I can do to help, I'm
28:45
going to help. But then if that conversation
28:47
just went and nothing, the person didn't share anything
28:51
with me and everything was just like peace.
28:54
And I'm like, OK, maybe it's just not meant to be, but, you
28:57
know, that person was open, open to share.
29:00
And that made a world of a difference.
29:03
So if you're out there and maybe struggling a little bit to
29:08
connect with people in the community or to get more dances
29:11
or to get people to say yes to you, maybe try to start with
29:15
conversations instead of starting with the asking for a
29:19
dance. You know, if they're out having
29:22
a seat, you know, just sit down, ask them, hey, how is your night
29:26
going? Just start a conversation.
29:30
I know it's not easy for everybody to start a
29:32
conversation, but that's as hard as it is that I think really
29:37
helps people connect with you. So then if you're already having
29:41
a hard time connecting on the dance floor, building a
29:44
connection outside of the dance floor is going to help the one
29:48
on the dance floor. If you just keep pushing that
29:51
connection on the dance floor, I think it's going to feel more
29:55
like building a wall and then people are going to start
29:58
avoiding, you know, if that person had just continued
30:02
pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, and every time I dance
30:05
with that person, the energy is just off and off, I would get to
30:09
a point that I would just like, Nah, sorry, it's a no.
30:13
So let's try to be open ourselves.
30:16
If we need any help asking a teacher, asking a friend, asking
30:19
somebody, and as the receiver, let's try to be open about it
30:24
and start a conversation with that person and maybe they're
30:29
going to share something with you that makes the total sense.
30:32
We had students before that came from injuries, surgeries and
30:39
people were like, oh, why is that person move like that?
30:41
Oh, that person can't keep timing or that person, it is
30:45
something like this, something like that.
30:47
And then we realized that person was recovering from an injury or
30:50
a surgery or some trauma. And then you go like, wow, OK,
30:56
wait. It's not their fault.
30:58
They're trying. Like they're really, really
31:01
trying. And probably it's harder for
31:02
them to be here than for you to say yes to that dance because of
31:07
what they're going through, You know?
31:09
So that's the part of the community that I think we need
31:12
to be a little bit more opened. Yeah.
31:15
And talking now about the instant gratification that we
31:20
mentioned before versus, you know, the general public
31:24
gratification of everybody having a good time, Talking
31:27
about me personally as a community builder, a teacher and
31:32
somebody who wants the best for the community.
31:36
I like to put it this way, I don't make that decision of how
31:40
I deal with this. I let what I want for the
31:43
community to make the decision for me.
31:46
So to be more specific, there are times in communities where I
31:51
can feel that some people are there just for themselves.
31:55
And I'm like, cool, great. I'm here for everybody.
31:59
So I'm going to focus on everybody.
32:00
I focus on the people who are there for everybody, the people
32:05
who are there for themselves, for their own gratification, to
32:09
dance with whoever they want. I will be open if they ask me
32:13
for a dance, but I will not be looking for them, you know,
32:17
because as part of the role that I want to have in the community,
32:22
I not only want to be part of the group of people who want to
32:27
make the community feel better and grow and be together, but I
32:31
also have the responsibility to lead by example.
32:35
If as a local teacher, a traveling teacher, visiting
32:38
teacher, whatever teacher you want to classify one as,
32:43
whatever I'm doing, I have a certain responsibility and role
32:48
to that. People look at me and they're
32:51
like, oh, that's what they're doing.
32:54
So it's the OK thing to do. If I go and I do a Weekender and
32:58
I'm just dancing with the people that didn't come to the
33:00
workshops, just came to the party to dance with a couple of
33:04
people, then I'm just rewarding that fact that it's OK to just
33:10
come to the party and skip the classes and dance with whoever
33:14
you want. While I'm saying, and I said
33:17
this before, there is nothing in the rule books of any school or
33:23
community that says that you cannot and you're not allowed to
33:26
do that. That doesn't go with what I want
33:31
for the community. And often when those people come
33:36
and have a conversation with me, I play the strict parent in that
33:43
role. And I'll gently in some way let
33:47
them know that I see it and I don't welcome it in a way that
33:52
I'm going to ask questions. I'm like, oh, so how is your
33:55
dance tonight? It's OK.
33:58
Not many great people to dance with.
34:00
It starts like that. And I'm like, oh, really?
34:03
Oh, I'm very curious now. What do you mean by great
34:07
people? What are those great people that
34:09
you're looking for? What does that mean when you say
34:13
great, good dancers or there's no dancers that I want to dance
34:17
with? And then I start digging and
34:19
then I try as politely and diplomatic as I can to tell
34:25
them, oh, OK, well, you know, the community and the community,
34:30
the community, it's better for the community.
34:32
They like this. I try to plant my seed there and
34:35
see if maybe overtime they can think about it or not.
34:40
I can't do anything about it, but I try to plant a seed.
34:43
Yeah, I'll go and dance with that person no problem.
34:45
But at least I try to do my deed for that moment to maybe try to
34:53
make them think about being more open and welcoming and also try
34:58
to make them realize that whatever the great means, that
35:03
doesn't mean a good dance. Yeah.
35:06
Oh, you know, I'm looking for somebody who is at my level or
35:09
higher. That doesn't mean it's going to
35:11
be a great dance. That doesn't mean it's going to
35:13
be a good dance at all or an acceptable dance.
35:16
It might be a dance that you'll be thrown around or you're going
35:19
to be throwing people around, but that doesn't mean it's going
35:22
to be a good or great dance. And sometimes, occasionally when
35:28
the person is just not being nice about it, then I allow
35:32
myself to remove the diplomatic speech and I just go for it.
35:38
And I go like, yeah, Nah, bro. Attitude like this is what
35:42
destroys communities. So I don't agree with it and
35:45
then just to deliver it code. But that's very rare, very rare.
35:50
Most of the times, whether they agree with me or not, at least
35:54
they have a conversation and I'm like, OK, that's all I can do
35:57
right now. Yeah.
35:59
And I have seen transformations, for example, in people that I
36:02
went and I visited once, yeah, the place and they were more
36:08
disengaged, just dancing with a few people over the night of the
36:12
course of the social. And I came back the next time
36:16
and they're this with everybody and things are happening.
36:19
And it was the result of a conversation.
36:21
You know, like you said, that you had this conversation with
36:23
someone, sometimes the result of a conversation.
36:26
So that was a very good reminder as always, to have this in your
36:31
head that there might be so many reasons why that person is doing
36:35
the thing that the way that they're doing that in a
36:38
conversation you discover so much because the fact that you
36:41
know, the information change is your perspective quite a lot.
36:45
And I think that for me is everything because change is
36:49
your willingness to be around that person.
36:52
It changes the way you approach that person.
36:54
It changes the way that you understand the dance that is
36:56
going on. It's not that it's something off
36:59
anymore. You know what's going on and
37:01
that changes everything. So super nice reminder for
37:05
everybody that is listening now. There's there's one dancer that
37:09
I can specifically remember. I know them for about 15 years
37:13
and for the longest time I saw this follower and every social
37:18
whenever I visited this place. Just.
37:22
This unwelcoming face, unwelcoming posture, kind of
37:26
like occasionally dancing with somebody here and there that was
37:30
at their level as they believe. And whenever that person decided
37:34
to dance with somebody who was not at their God level, the face
37:39
was just like, I want this dance to end.
37:42
And then one day I had a beautiful conversation with that
37:45
person. That person was in complete
37:47
denial. They're just like, now I don't
37:50
care. And I'm like, OK, cool.
37:53
Took me multiple more conversations because I felt
37:56
that that person was dealing with something that was not that
37:59
it was something else. I felt it was something to do
38:02
with some things that happened in the past, approval,
38:05
disapproval, something. And then the years later when I
38:10
came back, this person was like one of the most welcoming there.
38:14
And the face and the attitude didn't change as much in terms
38:19
of when you look from far away. But the interaction, yeah,
38:24
changed, you know? And like, if you don't know that
38:28
person, you're probably going to think that they're not very
38:30
welcoming. But if you watch their actions,
38:34
I could see there was something there, you know?
38:37
And the reason why I kept going on to this person, I kept going
38:42
back to this person was because that person kept coming back to
38:44
me during prevalescence occasionally as well and asking
38:49
why don't people like to dance with me?
38:51
Why don't people want to dance with me?
38:54
And when I dance with like teachers, when I dance with
38:58
people who are like higher level than me, they don't ask me
39:01
again. They never ask me to dance
39:03
again. If I don't go and ask, they
39:04
don't ask me. And that's when I'm like, OK, we
39:08
need to get real about this. We need to get very real about
39:12
this because I tell you every time, you know, the welcoming,
39:17
the posture, the way that you talk to people, if you're not
39:21
willing to change or to learn from it, that's OK.
39:24
But that's the consequence that is going to continue to happen.
39:28
I'm sorry. You cannot expect a different
39:30
result by doing the same thing. But yeah, over time, it helped.
39:35
And I'm always very glad to see that person again.
39:38
And look, I hope that that person is also doing the same
39:43
for other people, you know, helping them navigate this
39:47
social thing that we live in that is sometimes so awkward and
39:53
sometimes so easy. And it's very hard to know when
39:56
and how. Yeah, I think when you talk
39:58
about all these things, it came again the idea of a small city,
40:02
of a small town somewhere in the countryside that Brazilian Zook
40:05
is. And comparing to the life in the
40:08
big city where we don't talk to our neighbors anymore, you know,
40:12
like we. Sparked by all these people in
40:15
the elevator or in the hallways, we say hi, but we do our thing.
40:21
I do my thing, we all do the thing and there is a
40:26
relationship of respect. We don't make too much noise.
40:28
Of course, now we follow the rules and regulations and all
40:31
this stuff, but every time I watch documentary or anything
40:36
about people that live in smaller cities, there's all this
40:39
exchange. They talk more, they know more,
40:42
more like there are parties where everybody go, everybody
40:46
brings a little thing and everybody participates in a way
40:49
for the good of the town, because that's what makes the
40:52
town go around is community. And for me is that it's like a
40:58
small town where people know each other.
41:01
We are still, and I hope we don't get there, There we become
41:06
people that live in a big building with thousands of
41:09
residents. They cross each other in the
41:12
hallways and don't say hi, you know, So the aspect of saying
41:16
yes or no to someone in the social, considering everything
41:20
we talked about, having boundaries in place, having
41:23
awareness of your limits, how much you can't do it.
41:25
You cannot do combining all of that with treating well your
41:29
neighbor in this small town. Yeah.
41:32
And I think that mindset is one that I tried to carry and keep
41:37
it in mind because this person that I'm saying yes to a dance,
41:43
that dance can be the difference between them staying or leaving
41:46
the scene. That dance can be the difference
41:49
between how often they feel in their dance.
41:52
There one more dance star dancing 2 songs that sing 3
41:54
songs can be like what has a big impact for everybody.
41:59
So sometimes for us, it's just a yes for this.
42:04
But for that person receiving the yes, it's a big, big, big
42:08
deal, especially depending on who is giving the yes and the
42:13
exchange. Like Allison was saying in his
42:15
story about the face of the person dancing with other
42:20
people, that is what happens after the yes or the no, what
42:24
happens after the yes, which is the exchange part.
42:27
And when I was talking about my favorite people to dance with,
42:30
he was not necessarily how many things was not how much they
42:35
could do because they were just starting.
42:38
But the exchange that we had that was so amazing, that was so
42:42
engaging, you know, So sometimes we don't know much technically
42:47
speaking, but the way that we engage with someone else can be
42:51
really transformational, can be really the difference.
42:54
So in the end, for me is this invitation.
42:59
Guys, we live in this small town called Brazilians community, you
43:02
know, treating well the neighbors, being mindful of your
43:05
neighbors, taking care of the environment because we have the
43:11
power to change the environment so much.
43:14
Especially if you are in a community that has 2030 people,
43:19
your presence there, how you navigate the floor can make an
43:24
enormous difference, Can inspire someone you know, you can
43:28
inspire someone by being the one that they know that it's going
43:32
to respect their boundaries. So they know that when you say
43:36
yes to a dance, it's a full on yes.
43:38
And that's incredible. That's amazing.
43:40
We have some people here in DC who are really aware of their
43:44
boundaries. I've seen them stopping dances
43:46
in the middle of the dance many time time time, again, super
43:51
aware of their boundaries. So people know when they dance
43:53
with them that they are getting the full on thing and the impact
43:57
that you have by saying yes when you have the capacity to say
44:01
yes. So yeah, I think that's the like
44:05
just to keep those things in mind.
44:08
In DC, our socials right now, they are ranging between 60 to
44:16
100 people on a Friday night, on a Saturday night.
44:19
So it's getting to the point that it's big enough if you're
44:22
watching who is sitting, if you're watching who is dancing,
44:26
you can start, maybe give yourself like this luxury of
44:29
like, oh, I don't need to dance all the time and I can sit down,
44:33
I can watch or I can dance more with this person that I really
44:37
like to dance with. I can be a little bit more
44:39
selective because the numbers are enough that everybody has
44:45
their dance needs met, you know, way, you know.
44:48
So we are getting to that point in which we can be more, let's
44:54
say, a little bit more selfish, a little bit more like let me
44:57
get exactly how I want and what I want, you know.
45:00
But for those in the smaller places, I would recommend this
45:05
awareness, like watching and perceiving the impacts of the
45:09
behaviour in the social in the party.
45:13
And please, if you see somebody who is struggling, instead of
45:17
isolating them, find a way to help them.
45:21
Maybe you're not the person who feels that can help them, but
45:24
maybe somebody in the community can.
45:26
Maybe your teacher, maybe a friend, maybe anybody else and
45:30
say, hey, you know, that leader or that follower, there's
45:34
something going on there. People don't like dancing with
45:36
them. Somebody should have a
45:37
conversation with them and go there, have a conversation.
45:41
Most people are very open to it. Most people are very open to it.
45:46
Some are aware, some are completely unaware.
45:50
But you know what? The worst thing that we can do
45:53
is to watch and do nothing. I think that's the worst thing
45:57
we can do, to watch and see somebody having a hard time,
46:02
struggling, not feeling good about it and do nothing.
46:06
You know, please do the kind thing as a person, as a human
46:11
being, and if you see that somebody's having a hard time in
46:14
the community, try to seek help for them or try to at least let
46:19
people know, people that you trust and know that they can do
46:22
something about it to help those people.
46:25
Because we are a big family and we want the best for everybody.
46:30
Maybe you don't want to dance with that person.
46:33
That's fine. But that doesn't mean you wish
46:36
that person to have a terrible time every time, right?
46:40
So the least you can do is to maybe get somebody to help them.
46:44
And with that, I hope that everything that we said here in
46:48
this episode was helpful to you guys as it has been helpful to
46:53
us. To be honest, it was a good
46:55
reminder for us to be here talking about it.
46:58
That's something that we love about this project.
47:01
And if you are loving our project too, please make sure
47:04
that you follow and subscribe us in any platform that you may be
47:08
listening us with and follow us in on Instagram and check
47:12
everything that you can to continue supporting us as we
47:15
grow our very, very small project that has been giving us
47:20
so much love and so much passion to continue contributing for the
47:25
community. And we hope to continue growing
47:28
so more people can send us messages with requests.
47:32
Please do that if you have any requests for a new episode.
47:35
This one was actually a very much a question sent to us.
47:41
Please do an episode about saying as about saying no and
47:44
all the things. So we would be very, very happy
47:48
to continue doing that for you guys.
47:50
But if not, any support is very welcomed and very loved and very
47:55
appreciated. Thank you, thank you, thank you
47:58
and with that, we'll see you on the next one.
48:01
Everybody bitches. Bitches.
48:04
Oh Brazos and Ciao. Bye everyone, see you next time.