Latest / The Philip Ryan Deal Podcast / My Dance Career Part Two: The Second Decade

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My Dance Career Part Two: The Second Decade · The Philip Ryan Deal Podcast

• 0:07
  Welcome back which bitches it's time for yet another episode of
• 0:12
  the Philip deal podcast. I've got my cup of coffee here.
• 0:16
  Oh my God. I haven't rolled my ass out of
• 0:19
  bed till like 11 a.m. for the past couple of days I have been
• 0:25
  exhausted, my sleep schedule has been all fucked up But that's
• 0:30
  okay. That's okay.
• 0:32
  Because I've got my grand grand, a chai vanilla latte, enema.
• 0:39
  My pumpkin spice, latte enema and I'm waiting for my morning
• 0:46
  shit as always. So the last time I podcasted it
• 0:52
  was all about my dance career or at least the first decade of my
• 0:58
  dance career. Now I you guys know that I
• 1:01
  danced for 30 years. I literally started dancing when
• 1:07
  I was a little boy, around the age of five or six years old,
• 1:13
  And I didn't, and I didn't actually technically, like, take
• 1:16
  a step back from not dancing until late 2016 early 2017, 30
• 1:22
  years, my my dance career spanned, three decades, and we
• 1:26
  cover the first decade. Now, we're getting ready to go
• 1:30
  into decade number two. So, many things happened on a
• 1:35
  personal level, to me, going through the process.
• 1:41
  I mean, we all do the first decade was a lot.
• 1:46
  You know, I lost my grandmother, I traveled all over the world
• 1:49
  with the kirov ballet. Went to New York became one of
• 1:54
  the most premier young teen male dancers in America.
• 2:01
  When I was a teenager. And then at a certain point in
• 2:06
  time after dancing with the care of and all of that, I went to
• 2:09
  Berlin, Germany, dance, stair, and a company for about a year,
• 2:14
  came back to the United States and basically crashed out.
• 2:19
  And that's kind of like, where we're picking back up.
• 2:21
  We're picking back up, where we left off.
• 2:23
  If did you if you did not hear the first podcast?
• 2:29
  My dance career, I go listen to that first and then come back
• 2:33
  and listen to this podcast because this is a continuation
• 2:37
  of the first one. So without any further Ado, I'm
• 2:43
  going to get my act together, I'm going to get my shit
• 2:45
  together. I've got some notes in front of
• 2:47
  me because if I don't take notes I'm going to forget stuff and
• 2:50
  then I'll be mad. And then when I come back, We're
• 2:55
  going to go right into the second portion of the podcast.
• 2:58
  The second decade of Philip deals.
• 3:00
  Dance career. So obviously, I'm not just going
• 3:11
  to talk about my dance career, but I'm also going to talk about
• 3:14
  my life. My life.
• 3:19
  My drama, as it continued to unfold in my personal life, a
• 3:23
  long running parallel, with my dance career.
• 3:28
  So I've got to give more context to what happened when I was
• 3:34
  dancing with the coma Shopper in Berlin, Germany.
• 3:38
  By the time I actually got to Berlin, I was burned out.
• 3:45
  I was already burned out when I took the job and went to Berlin
• 3:50
  and when I got to Berlin, I was just mental and emotional basket
• 3:57
  case. I was really not prepared to go
• 4:02
  to a foreign country at all at all going to a foreign country
• 4:09
  was probably either the best or the worst thing that I could
• 4:12
  have done at that time in my life.
• 4:14
  Now, I just left the Cure of why I left.
• 4:17
  The Cure off is going to be the subject of another podcast.
• 4:21
  Because that will tie in with my entire podcast.
• 4:25
  Talking about my alcoholism that also spended almost 30 fucking
• 4:31
  years. Okay.
• 4:33
  So I'm going to do a podcast on alcoholism and addiction and my
• 4:37
  struggle with alcoholism, but needless to say, when I went to
• 4:42
  Germany, I was very physically weak, and for some reason in
• 4:46
  Germany, the food just did not sit right with me.
• 4:49
  I mean, they eat really, really weird.
• 4:51
  Over there. I think the only meal that I
• 4:54
  could get down that I could stomach was vener schnitzel, and
• 4:57
  it's like, a beaten piece of meat that's like fried.
• 5:01
  And then they put cheese sauce and mushrooms on top, with
• 5:03
  potatoes. If you ever go to Germany and
• 5:08
  you go to a hotel, or they always eat, like, cheese in the
• 5:12
  morning and bread. A lot of cheese, a lot of bread,
• 5:15
  a lot of cured meats, like, but shuto and sausage or Meats that
• 5:24
  are prepared like hams stuff that doesn't go bad and it's
• 5:29
  very, very salty and it just none of the food ever felt good
• 5:32
  and they would eat a lot of boiled eggs.
• 5:35
  I remember eating boiled eggs and just vomiting them right
• 5:38
  back up. So my stomach and everything was
• 5:40
  tore up. And I was like, 17, right?
• 5:43
  I was 17 years old 17 going to turn 18 that year and something
• 5:48
  happened. There are a few times in my life
• 5:53
  that I had like a spiritual awakening.
• 5:55
  I do not believe you only get one Spiritual Awakening, okay?
• 5:59
  You don't get one Spiritual Awakening and then that's it.
• 6:01
  You don't hit Enlightenment and then that's it.
• 6:04
  Okay. Anybody who really practices
• 6:05
  yoga and Buddhism will tell you there are stages to opening up
• 6:12
  To the spiritual. I had one of my opening up
• 6:16
  moments when I was in Germany. For one thing I'm, I was living
• 6:20
  with a family of Jehovah's Witnesses because remember I was
• 6:23
  born and raised a Jehovah's Witness and my mom had actually
• 6:27
  found a couple who were Jehovah's Witnesses to ship me
• 6:31
  to Germany to live with. They were very nice people.
• 6:36
  I don't remember who they were their names but I can see their
• 6:39
  faces clearly in my head very nice couple.
• 6:43
  And they had some interesting books on the shelf and one of
• 6:45
  the interesting books they had in their home was Unlimited
• 6:49
  Power by Tony Robbins and Tony Robbins is like a self-help
• 6:54
  Guru. He's really into
• 6:56
  neuro-linguistic programming or rewiring your brain to think a
• 7:00
  certain way to be successful. It's a whole movement.
• 7:03
  Of course the neuro linguistic programming self-help Community,
• 7:07
  you know, there's a million books, you can buy about
• 7:09
  self-help, But I read unlimited power, and unlimited Powers
• 7:14
  actually a very, very good book. I mean, it was a, it wasn't a
• 7:19
  best-seller and there's a reason for it.
• 7:21
  Those the techniques that Tony Robbins gives in The Limited
• 7:24
  power, the meditations that he gives change your brain really
• 7:27
  work. But what was the result of doing
• 7:30
  all of those brain enhancement neuro-linguistic, programming
• 7:35
  exercises to rewire my brain while suddenly I had a very deep
• 7:40
  desire for something. I'm spiritual.
• 7:42
  I had lived such a chaotic life. My life, my life was nothing but
• 7:47
  chaos for so long. Oh my God, there's one thread or
• 7:53
  word that I can use to describe my existence up to this point in
• 7:57
  time. Even in my life, it's the word
• 7:58
  is chaos. And like, not in a good way.
• 8:06
  Not like chaos magic. I mean, literally, a human shit
• 8:10
  show tumbling through life. And I had a deep desire.
• 8:19
  One day to pick up a Bible. Well, the New World Translation
• 8:24
  it's the Jehovah's Witness version of the Bible because I
• 8:28
  said, I want to read the teachings of Christ.
• 8:31
  I want to know what Jesus says. I opened it up to the Book of
• 8:34
  Matthew and in my heart and my mind, I had decided that if
• 8:38
  there were any, if there was a message that I needed to pull my
• 8:42
  life together and pull myself out of the garbage can that I
• 8:46
  had found myself in Jesus would have the answer, so I'm kind of
• 8:51
  proud of myself. I'm proud of that.
• 8:53
  That's not something for me to laugh at.
• 8:55
  That's not something. I'm making fun of.
• 8:56
  That's not something I'm being Coy about.
• 8:58
  I literally had a genuine spiritual experience where I
• 9:02
  woke up and said this is not all there is.
• 9:04
  I want to know the truth. I had no idea where the truth
• 9:09
  would actually Lead Me. Twenty years later but doesn't
• 9:15
  matter. I sat there and I read The
• 9:17
  Sermon on the Mount and by the time I finished reading The
• 9:19
  Sermon on the Mount. I had actually decided I'm going
• 9:22
  home. Going home to Virginia Beach.
• 9:25
  I'm crashing out, I am sleeping, I'm going to recover.
• 9:28
  My body is going to recover. I'm going to heal and then I'm
• 9:31
  going to actively be a good Christian.
• 9:35
  Good. Christian boy.
• 9:36
  I was already baptized a Christian but I wanted to be a
• 9:39
  good Christian boy. Called up my parents and I said,
• 9:43
  buy me a motherfucking plane ticket.
• 9:45
  I'm getting out of here now. I broke my contract with, with
• 9:49
  the opera house, they were very mad.
• 9:52
  I walked in and sat down and said, I'm sorry.
• 9:54
  I can't be here anymore. And they were like, well, you
• 9:56
  have a contract for another like, you know, two years to be
• 9:59
  here. I said, I will not be coming in
• 10:01
  tomorrow. I'm getting on a plane and
• 10:03
  flying back to America. You can sue me.
• 10:06
  There's nothing you can do to keep me here.
• 10:07
  I can't stay here. I am sick.
• 10:10
  I am not well, I, if I stay here, I could get very, very
• 10:13
  sick. I could die.
• 10:16
  Well, I left the opera house that day, never to hear from
• 10:20
  them again and got on the plane within the next 48 hours.
• 10:26
  Flew back home. Crashed out, I literally crashed
• 10:31
  the fuck out and had decided that I no longer wanted to
• 10:37
  pursue dance in any fashion at all.
• 10:40
  It was not what I wanted to do in life.
• 10:41
  I wanted to actually pursue spirituality.
• 10:46
  Well, my mother, of course, found that to be a very
• 10:51
  unacceptable decision to make in life based on how much time
• 10:55
  energy and money that was spent on me to become a professional.
• 10:58
  Optional dancer. I told her look, I'm done not
• 11:03
  dancing again, we're not doing this.
• 11:06
  So there you go. That that that wraps up.
• 11:09
  That's the story that really wraps up the first decade.
• 11:14
  Dance. well, my mom Was very, very tricky and very, very Sly.
• 11:22
  And she said, well, we're back here in Virginia Beach.
• 11:25
  I'm going to find a place for Philip to dance. so, Now, we're
• 11:31
  getting into. The next decade of dancing that
• 11:36
  had a lot to do with everything I did in Hampton Roads.
• 11:39
  Virginia, Beach Norfolk, Portsmouth, Suffolk and
• 11:42
  Chesapeake everything. I did when I opened my dance
• 11:45
  studio down there, working with kids, choreographing, for kids
• 11:49
  competitions, and working with the dance companies that were in
• 11:52
  Hampton Roads. Now, we're getting into the
• 11:54
  local, we're bringing it home. One morning, I woke up and my
• 11:59
  mom said, get in the car, we got errands to run.
• 12:04
  So I said, okay, I got into the car.
• 12:07
  Now, what I'm like I'm like, 18. Yes.
• 12:14
  Yes, I'm 18. And my mom starts driving to up
• 12:18
  and down. Virginia Beach Boulevard, and
• 12:20
  she finally lands in front of a dance studio.
• 12:22
  She pulls into a dance studio parking lot.
• 12:27
  And I said, why are we here? She said there's a woman in
• 12:30
  there. Her name is Beverly Duane.
• 12:31
  She's a choreographer. She wants to meet you.
• 12:33
  I want you to meet her. I got so mad.
• 12:36
  I was mad. I was so mad.
• 12:39
  Mad. I was like how dare you?
• 12:42
  How dare you bring me to a dance studio?
• 12:45
  I told you, I want nothing to do with this anymore.
• 12:49
  Fuck you. I don't want anything to do with
• 12:51
  this anymore, and once again a second time, my mother made a
• 12:56
  major intervention in my life to try to keep me dancing the first
• 13:00
  time, as you remember, remember, if I told you this or not, but
• 13:04
  when I was about, 11 or 12. I had also come to the decision
• 13:12
  that I no longer wanted to dance anymore because I was over it by
• 13:15
  the age of 13. My mom when I told her that I
• 13:18
  was quitting Dancing and I was never going to dance.
• 13:20
  Again, literally pulled the car over and faked a heart attack to
• 13:24
  get me to keep dancing. She literally faked a heart
• 13:28
  attack in order for me to feel guilty.
• 13:31
  She guilt-tripped me into continue to continuing to dance
• 13:34
  when I was a kid. And that's why I ended up going
• 13:37
  to the Cure off because I kept dancing through that through
• 13:41
  that Fiasco. So this is a second
• 13:42
  motherfucking time. My mother has pulled some shit
• 13:45
  on me to keep me dancing. I said, I'm not getting out of
• 13:49
  the car. She said, fine, sit in the car,
• 13:51
  she got out of the car. She went inside, I sat in the
• 13:54
  car for about 15 minutes, then my mom comes to the window with
• 13:59
  the look on her face. Like she's Satan the devil.
• 14:02
  She came to the window with the, the, the Evil face, like I'm
• 14:07
  going to kill you, you're gonna die.
• 14:08
  If you don't come in here, gritted, her teeth made her face
• 14:12
  at me and made this gesture was with that was like you get in
• 14:15
  here now. I was still.
• 14:19
  Very highly impressionable. Got out of the car.
• 14:23
  I went inside and Beverly Cordova duwayne, wonderful
• 14:28
  woman, choreographer, artistic director of her own company.
• 14:34
  Second Wind Dance Company, Was preparing to do an event with
• 14:40
  The Virginia Beach Marine. Museum.
• 14:46
  I forget the name of it but it was down at the Virginia Beach
• 14:49
  oceanfront, there's a museum. There's a notion Museum, they
• 14:52
  have fish in there, it's an aquarium.
• 14:54
  That's what I meant. The Virginia Beach aquarium.
• 14:57
  She was putting on a modern dance piece about jellyfish
• 15:00
  because they were putting on a whole exhibit on jellyfish.
• 15:03
  There was going to be the jellyfish exhibit and they
• 15:06
  wanted to have dancers come in and do like special shows like,
• 15:09
  on the weekends. So Beverly was like Like, you
• 15:14
  know, we're doing a project. I really, really need a dancer.
• 15:17
  It's very simple. I've got three other dancers and
• 15:23
  myself. While I was going to be Beverly,
• 15:25
  Stacey and Shannon who became three very close friends to me,
• 15:30
  over the next decade who were choreographers dancers, and
• 15:35
  Shannon actually taught for me, at my dance studio.
• 15:37
  She said, I need another dancer in order to make this work, I'm
• 15:40
  in a time schedule Crunch and I need someone You can actually
• 15:44
  dance. Who can pick up choreography
• 15:46
  fast? I said, okay.
• 15:48
  Well, I'll come into the studio. I went into the studio and I
• 15:51
  started moving with them. Next thing I know, I'm dancing
• 15:54
  with second, one, dance company and I continue to dance and
• 15:57
  perform with second. Wind dance company for almost a
• 16:00
  decade. Second, Wind dance company was
• 16:05
  an adult modern dance company. There are only a few dance
• 16:09
  companies in the Hampton Roads area that were adults.
• 16:13
  Putting on adult. Well, you would say it's a
• 16:18
  recital, but performances of modern dance, and Beverly was
• 16:23
  one of them. So I said, man, I'm so out of
• 16:26
  shape. Yeah, for about almost a year, 9
• 16:29
  months to a year. I had literally laid in bed and
• 16:33
  and laid on the couch and watched movies and just studied
• 16:36
  and read my Bible and all the Publications by the Jehovah's
• 16:39
  Witness organization. I read all their books, I read
• 16:45
  the Bible twice. From cover to cover.
• 16:48
  I not only read the New World Translation but I had the King
• 16:50
  James and the NIV and several other translations, the Catholic
• 16:54
  version of the Bible New Jerusalem bible.
• 16:57
  I was Bible doubt, I was Christian doubt and very deep
• 17:02
  into it. Maybe one day, I'll make a
• 17:05
  podcast, it's more deep into the whole Jehovah's, Witness
• 17:09
  organization their history. Their theology, the, what it's
• 17:13
  like growing up in that. Religion and what it's like
• 17:17
  getting disfellowshipped or excommunicated out of the
• 17:20
  religion. I'll go into all of that some
• 17:22
  other time. But I had spent a lot of time
• 17:26
  just reading and meditating and studying spirituality and I was
• 17:30
  very out of shape. So I got a Bally's membership,
• 17:34
  Bally's Total Fitness membership.
• 17:37
  And I started taking ballet classes on Tuesdays and
• 17:40
  Thursdays from. Like I think it was 11:30 to 1.
• 17:44
  There was a man named Albert Watson, a wonderful wonderful
• 17:47
  man who used to dance with Alvin Ailey and he would, he taught us
• 17:53
  Adult ballet classes during the daytime for adults that used to
• 17:57
  dance and I would go and I would take it at Norfolk Academy in
• 18:01
  Norfolk Virginia. He was a great guy and I think
• 18:06
  one thing that I forgot to tell you when I used to do
• 18:08
  International competitions, is I actually ended up going to Varna
• 18:11
  Bulgaria to the largest International ballet competition
• 18:15
  in the world. I didn't place but Albert Watson
• 18:21
  was one of my coaches, that coached me on all of my
• 18:24
  variations and also my contemporary choreography that I
• 18:28
  performed when I went to Varna. So Albert was very important to
• 18:33
  me. Very, very important to me.
• 18:34
  He was a great guy, he was a mentor to me.
• 18:38
  I looked up to him and he really did clean up my technique Taught
• 18:42
  me a lot. I love him to death.
• 18:45
  I wish him nothing. But love, peace, and joy, and
• 18:49
  good health, same thing to Beverly.
• 18:52
  So I started dancing with Beverly and we put on this show
• 18:57
  at the aquarium, we were the jellyfish, there was for
• 19:02
  jellyfish. We had costumes that were very
• 19:04
  jellyfish-like and it was cute. It was really cute.
• 19:08
  And then after we would do the little performance as jellyfish
• 19:11
  kids. I came to watch the show, we
• 19:13
  would teach them a little modern dance moves, and get them to
• 19:15
  move like jellyfish. It was really cute.
• 19:19
  I really enjoyed that. And I enjoyed it so much.
• 19:21
  That Beverly said, look, I'd really love for you to dance
• 19:25
  with me. If you're interested in doing
• 19:27
  more performances with me, you're more than welcome to join
• 19:30
  my troop. I'm going to be doing a show.
• 19:32
  Like, I don't know, and three and are six months from now.
• 19:35
  Would you be interested in doing it?
• 19:37
  And once again, I am back into Dance.
• 19:43
  Now we need to take a step back because when I was getting ready
• 19:48
  to go to Varna, Bulgaria being trained by Albert Watson, the
• 19:53
  Virginian-Pilot, which is the largest distributed newspaper at
• 19:59
  the time, was the largest distributed newspaper in Hampton
• 20:02
  Roads. I think almost in Virginia,
• 20:06
  Decided that they wanted to do an article on me.
• 20:08
  My mom had contacted the Virginian-Pilot and said, my son
• 20:11
  is preparing to go to an international competition at is
• 20:14
  very, very big. It's huge.
• 20:16
  It's like, the Olympics of dance.
• 20:18
  It's the Olympics of ballet. Would you like to do a story on
• 20:21
  him? And so they sent a woman to
• 20:22
  follow me around for about a week.
• 20:24
  She, she went to a performance, I performed at she would go to
• 20:28
  ballet classes and watch me rehearse she'd see my rehearsals
• 20:32
  and then what ended up happening Woke up one morning to the
• 20:37
  Virginian-Pilot, with me on the cover of the Virginian-Pilot.
• 20:43
  I was on the cover. I was a cover story.
• 20:49
  For the for the newspaper and I was the main spread, I was the
• 20:54
  centerfold. I was a center spread in that
• 20:57
  man in that newspaper that day that week that had all kinds of
• 21:02
  pictures of me and my story about how I danced, how I went
• 21:07
  to the korob, how I went to International competitions and
• 21:09
  how it was going to Varna. If you go to my YouTube channel,
• 21:13
  you'll actually see Oh no that was Paris.
• 21:18
  I'm sorry wrong competition but if you if you go to my YouTube
• 21:21
  channel you'll see a lot of choreography that I used to do.
• 21:26
  You'll actually see me performing with second wind
• 21:28
  Dance Company on my YouTube channel and my dance playlist of
• 21:31
  videos that I posted for you guys to watch.
• 21:35
  There is me performing to of Beverly do Wayne's routines with
• 21:40
  second wind Dance Company. Rush hour and silence.
• 21:44
  Now I performed a lot with her, a lot, a lot, a lot, but those
• 21:48
  are two performances that I have on YouTube.
• 21:53
  So, you know, the wrapping up of my International competition
• 21:58
  career, really happened. When I went to Varna, I did not
• 22:01
  place it was a shit. Show mess going there.
• 22:05
  It's a lot more complicated with a lot more moving Parts than I
• 22:08
  care to remember our talk about. Then I also went to Paris a
• 22:12
  second time. The second time I went to Paris,
• 22:14
  I won my silver medal. I did not win a medal.
• 22:18
  The first time I went to Paris, I had to go there twice.
• 22:20
  I went back a second time and I'm metal.
• 22:22
  The second Time. Silver medal, first American
• 22:26
  ever and youngest American ever to place in the international
• 22:30
  contemporary dance, competition, in Paris.
• 22:33
  Let me have a sip of my coffee. Now, the studio that my mother
• 22:41
  had taken me to to meet Beverly was a dance studio, but it had
• 22:46
  gone defunct, and they wanted to, whoever was teaching dance
• 22:50
  their left. They were not teaching dance
• 22:53
  there anymore, and they were looking for a new someone to
• 22:58
  rent that studio space, to keep the dance studio going, my
• 23:03
  mother, and I, and my father decided that we were going to
• 23:06
  make that the Philip deal Dance Center, and I opened my first
• 23:10
  dance studio. When I was 19, 19 years old, and
• 23:15
  got the keys to this dance studio space.
• 23:18
  And I started teaching dance and we did well, because A lot of
• 23:23
  the kids that came to take dance, for me, we're Jehovah's
• 23:27
  Witnesses. Oh, finally a place Jehovah's.
• 23:31
  Witness kids could go to do something that would keep them
• 23:35
  in shape and not conflict with the teachings of the Watchtower.
• 23:42
  So there was nothing any Witnesses had to worry about
• 23:44
  because of the so many restrictions that are put on
• 23:47
  individuals from the religion. And I did very well because So I
• 23:53
  became the dance teacher to a lot of witnesses and that's what
• 23:57
  happened. That was the Philip deal Dance
• 23:59
  Center and I started the Philip deal Dance Project, which was my
• 24:04
  own dance company which had a lot of older teenagers in it,
• 24:08
  and young adults, and people in their early 20s, that wanted to
• 24:12
  perform. And I actually produced Man.
• 24:18
  I think I produced, I think five shows.
• 24:22
  I think I produced five shows over a period of six years.
• 24:28
  Six or seven years. So we did a lot.
• 24:33
  We did a lot. And so, the Philip deal Dance
• 24:36
  Project became a thing. It was my own modern dance
• 24:40
  company. I still performed with second,
• 24:42
  wind dance company and then I came into contact with Todd
• 24:47
  rosenlieb tan. Todd rosenlieb was a modern
• 24:53
  dance choreographer, who had moved from New York City.
• 24:57
  He used to dance with the Eric Hawkins dance company.
• 25:00
  Came down to Norfolk, Virginia to settle.
• 25:03
  I don't know why. Why very nice guy on the
• 25:08
  outside? Rotten to the core on the
• 25:10
  inside. I shouldn't say that very very
• 25:14
  selfish person that used me very, very very badly to get his
• 25:21
  company off the ground. So we're going to talk about
• 25:23
  Todd because I just want to call out Todd and talk about the
• 25:27
  experience that I had with him. One of the things I put him
• 25:30
  through. My exacting my revenge on him.
• 25:35
  So what had happened was Todd rosenlieb was the sky who came
• 25:39
  down and he was hired by Virginia Ballet, Theater to
• 25:43
  choreograph, contemporary and modern pieces for their company.
• 25:48
  I don't know if the Virginia ballet theater is still
• 25:51
  operational or if it went defunct, but it was like the
• 25:55
  ballet company of Hampton Roads. They were the ballet company
• 25:58
  that would put on The Nutcracker at the opera house at the
• 26:01
  Virginia. Opera House in Norfolk, opera
• 26:04
  house, every single year, they were like the local dance
• 26:07
  company. So they had adults that were the
• 26:13
  principles and soloists and then they had a lot of kids and they
• 26:18
  put on The Nutcracker every single year.
• 26:21
  Well, Todd had a falling out with Virginia with the ballet
• 26:25
  company and approached me because we had, I had met and
• 26:30
  done performances with Beverly were Lee and Todd did some joint
• 26:33
  performances with one another and Todd had this boyfriend that
• 26:38
  was living down in Puerto Rico. And his boyfriend was a
• 26:44
  choreographer dancer. But lived in Puerto Rico and was
• 26:48
  planning to move to Norfolk. And what Todd needed was another
• 26:52
  man to form a troop. It was Todd and me and two girls
• 26:57
  named Jackie and Krista that became the core of what would
• 27:04
  become the Todd, rosenlieb Dance Center and the Todd rosenlieb
• 27:09
  Dance Company. You can look them up online.
• 27:13
  And so for about almost a year for about six months to a year I
• 27:18
  would rehearse with Todd and we would go do all these
• 27:21
  performances at all these dance festivals at festivals up and
• 27:25
  down the East Coast, he sent me to Massachusetts with one of the
• 27:30
  female dancers to perform with stars of the dance theater of
• 27:34
  Harlem. One time I did a lot for him, I
• 27:40
  danced my ass off for him, and we would put on these
• 27:44
  performances. Very, very small performances
• 27:47
  with. Only four dancers.
• 27:49
  So he had choreographed a lot of routines that was like Duets
• 27:52
  trios and quartets. Just as part of his choreography
• 27:58
  he had a lot of small group choreography that he could set
• 28:04
  on us. Well, Well, he wheeled and
• 28:06
  dealed and wheeled and dealed until he got all the funding, he
• 28:10
  needed to open up his studio in downtown Norfolk and used me my
• 28:16
  image and my name and my clout. In order to get that money.
• 28:21
  It's like I have professional day, I have Philip deal, you
• 28:25
  know, the famous professional dancer from Hampton Roads.
• 28:29
  He's in my company, we're doing this, we're performing we're
• 28:32
  going to do this and don't, you know, He got the funding for his
• 28:37
  show and after he got the funding for his dance studio.
• 28:42
  He fucked me over, man. He screwed me over.
• 28:46
  We had a particular Routine that we did to Rufus Wainwright.
• 28:53
  It was a compilation of like three songs from Rufus,
• 28:56
  Wainwright. That was a quartet between me
• 28:59
  and Todd and Kristen Jackie. And we performed that it's a
• 29:04
  great routine. We performed that for like a
• 29:06
  year and we performed that all the way up to the Grand,
• 29:10
  inaugural performance of, Todd's company.
• 29:13
  So, this was very involved. This was very in-depth and I
• 29:17
  hardly got paid anything. I got paid like nothing to do
• 29:20
  this. I decided that I was going to do
• 29:22
  this and I I basically took peanuts with the clout that I
• 29:27
  had, as a dancer to be able to help Todd get his company off
• 29:31
  the ground. Well, this is what had happened.
• 29:34
  That pissed me off beyond all belief. after almost a year of
• 29:40
  doing this quartet with Todd in these costumes that we performed
• 29:45
  in I was also performing the routine in the grand inaugural
• 29:52
  performance. Finally.
• 29:54
  Todd's boyfriend comes up from Puerto Rico to Norfolk because
• 30:00
  he was going to be in the performance.
• 30:03
  I was walking down the street and Norfolk Virginia and I was
• 30:07
  looking at the latest art magazine.
• 30:10
  Portfolio magazine was an art Like little paper in Norfolk and
• 30:19
  I saw the cover of portfolio and I saw Todd.
• 30:23
  I saw Jackie, I saw Krista and I saw Ricardo his boyfriend,
• 30:29
  wearing my mother fucking costume in a photo shoot that
• 30:34
  they went. And did they did not tell me
• 30:36
  about it, wore my costume. For this photo shoot and slapped
• 30:42
  Ricardo who had absolutely nothing to do with the company,
• 30:45
  until like a month, before the inaugural performance on the
• 30:48
  cover. If you go to Todd rosenlieb
• 30:52
  dance studio, the you'll never see a picture of me anywhere on
• 30:55
  the wall ever. You'll never see that I was
• 30:58
  associated with Todd, rosenlieb was company ever as soon as his
• 31:02
  boyfriend showed up. Well, I was no longer, you know,
• 31:08
  the other male founding dancer and his company.
• 31:12
  Oh, I was mad. I was so mad that I got fucked
• 31:16
  over like that, that after helping him get all that money
• 31:21
  after helping him get his funding after dancing, my ass
• 31:25
  off for almost free for a year that I was slapped in the face.
• 31:30
  That I was not on the cover of that magazine that's really
• 31:33
  important. I deserve to be on the cover of
• 31:35
  that magazine. I'm not being a cunt.
• 31:37
  I'm not being a bitch. I'm telling you as a founding
• 31:40
  member, it should have been me on that magazine.
• 31:42
  Not his fucking boyfriend. Well, the day came that we were
• 31:49
  going to do the inaugural performance, okay?
• 31:52
  Now this was like a month and a half later.
• 31:55
  I had rehearsed, we were doing this big routine, Eric Hawkins.
• 31:59
  Original work was being performed, Eric Hawkins was a
• 32:05
  very famous modern dance choreographer, in New York, and
• 32:09
  Todd had actually got the rights to do.
• 32:11
  One of his very large Works planes Daybreak, you know, Well,
• 32:17
  it was the day of dress rehearsal and the first
• 32:21
  performance of Todd's inaugural show.
• 32:26
  And my alarm went off at 8, a.m. I was supposed to get up, take a
• 32:31
  shower, get my dance, close together, go down to the studio,
• 32:35
  rehearse, all day, and then do the performance.
• 32:37
  Well night. Well, 8 a.m. my alarm went off
• 32:40
  and I decided I think I'm going to go back to sleep now.
• 32:46
  So I turn the alarm off and I went to sleep.
• 32:49
  I woke up about an hour later, it's 9:00.
• 32:51
  I'm supposed to be at the studio.
• 32:52
  I'm supposed to be at the theater so it's nine o'clock.
• 32:57
  I still don't feel like getting up.
• 32:59
  I don't give a fuck about Todd or anything he's doing today.
• 33:03
  When I went back to sleep, I picked up my phone and looked
• 33:06
  at, like, 11:00. There was like, 25 phone calls
• 33:11
  from Todd and all the other dancers, voice messages.
• 33:15
  The first, First voice message from Todd sounded like this.
• 33:20
  Hey, good morning. We're getting ready to start our
• 33:23
  rehearsal at the theater. I'm sure you're on your way.
• 33:25
  Just wanted to make sure that you're on your way.
• 33:27
  We're going to be starting about 15 minutes, you still have about
• 33:30
  15 minutes to get here and put on your dance clothes.
• 33:32
  And, and we're going to be getting started.
• 33:36
  The second message. Sounded like, where are you?
• 33:40
  You're supposed to be at the theater right now.
• 33:42
  We're in the middle of rehearsing Plane State break,
• 33:44
  where the fuck are you get your ass over here?
• 33:48
  The third message was The Irate messages.
• 33:52
  What the fuck? What are you doing?
• 33:54
  Where the fuck? Are you what?
• 33:55
  What what, what is that? Screaming cursing mad man, Todd
• 34:06
  had high blood pressure so you know he could have like popped
• 34:09
  he could have dropped out of, you know a heart attack or
• 34:11
  stroke by that point in time. And then closer to about 1:00 in
• 34:17
  the afternoon when I started heading over there.
• 34:20
  The voice message sounded like Philip.
• 34:26
  Where are you? I don't know what I did but I'm
• 34:32
  sorry. Please come to the theater
• 34:38
  because we can't do the show without you.
• 34:41
  They couldn't do the show without me because I was like,
• 34:43
  in everything. Yeah, I was mad.
• 34:49
  So about 1:00, I opened the door to the theater.
• 34:52
  I kind of stroll in. I look at everybody.
• 34:55
  That is standing around their mouths are wide open the girls,
• 35:00
  they're pale white. It look like they want to faint
• 35:04
  when they see me Todd. Looks at me, his cunt boyfriend
• 35:10
  Ricardo that asshole is staring at me.
• 35:15
  And I looked at them and I said, oh, hold on, let me put on my
• 35:19
  clothes. No one said anything to me, I
• 35:22
  just looked at him. I just looked at Todd, and when
• 35:26
  I looked at Todd, I shook my head and he knew what he did in
• 35:31
  that moment. He knew he knew that I was very,
• 35:37
  very angry about getting fucked over by him.
• 35:40
  After that, performance was over.
• 35:42
  I never performed firm again, I never talk to him again.
• 35:45
  Had nothing to do with Todd but Todd literally re wasted about
• 35:49
  two years of my life. Used me as a resource used my
• 35:54
  name for clout. God, all of his funding, got his
• 35:58
  big performance, put on and completely acted, like I did not
• 36:01
  exist. After his boyfriend, showed up
• 36:05
  from Puerto Rico to be in the show.
• 36:07
  So I had to put my finger on and I had to put my finger on him
• 36:11
  for a minute and squeeze. Just so he realized how
• 36:15
  important I was to him. And if I would have not showed
• 36:19
  up for that performance, there wouldn't have been a
• 36:21
  performance. There would have been no way
• 36:24
  that Todd would have ever been able to do a performance.
• 36:27
  If I was not present to do that performance, I let him know it.
• 36:34
  Let me sip my coffee over here. That is the, that is my
• 36:38
  personality. That is a perfect example of who
• 36:41
  Phillip deal is perfect example, of who I am as a human being.
• 36:47
  I will do anything for you. I will throw myself in front of
• 36:50
  a bus for you. I will spend all of my money on
• 36:54
  you. I will give you all of my
• 36:55
  resources. I will give you all of my time.
• 36:57
  I'll give you all of my energy. I will give you my everything
• 37:00
  even if it's not for me, even if I want to see you succeed in
• 37:03
  life, I will give Everything. And I don't expect anything in
• 37:08
  return, but I don't expect to get spin on slapped on the
• 37:12
  slapped in the face, kicked or treated like a dog.
• 37:17
  After I do, what I do for you, if you're going to treat me like
• 37:20
  that, it's over for you. It's over for you eternally.
• 37:26
  It's over for you. And that's what happened.
• 37:29
  That's what had happened. I continued on my sweet little
• 37:34
  way doing my own Philip deal. Don't Dance Project, you know, I
• 37:37
  put Philip deal Dance Project events on hold, because I was
• 37:40
  doing stuff for Todd. And that was my experience with
• 37:45
  Todd rosenlieb. It's so hysterical and so funny
• 37:48
  that I just had to tell you that story.
• 37:51
  So I hope maybe one day Todd gets to hear me.
• 37:55
  Tell that story. Hey, Todd, fuck you, you know,
• 38:03
  you got ya. He was important enough that he
• 38:05
  made it into my podcast talking about my dance career in
• 38:09
  Virginia Beach. But I absolutely had to tell
• 38:12
  everybody. About your shitty attitude and
• 38:14
  behavior. So there you go.
• 38:17
  That can stay in my podcast eternally for everybody to hear.
• 38:21
  See that's how I am. I can be vindictive as fuck.
• 38:24
  I can be fucking vindictive as hell and I do not let things go.
• 38:30
  Once I have a grudge. Ooh, it's really, really
• 38:33
  difficult for me to forgive people really difficult.
• 38:36
  Although I say to myself all the time, yeah, I forgive everybody.
• 38:40
  It's very difficult for me to get over that hump and I don't
• 38:43
  care anymore, I let go of it a long time ago.
• 38:45
  I don't give a fuck anymore. It is what it is.
• 38:48
  What happened happened? Not mad about it.
• 38:51
  I was mad about it. I'm not mad about it anymore.
• 38:54
  So let me look over here. You know, II had the opportunity
• 38:59
  to do some really, really great work.
• 39:01
  And I mean, classic work, I mean work that was done by
• 39:04
  choreographers, like Martha, Graham Eric Hawkins and honest.
• 39:10
  Oclo Beverly had put on a performance.
• 39:13
  Where she had hired a custodian of On A Tsoukalos work to come
• 39:17
  down and set very important work.
• 39:20
  That honest, oclo choreographed about the Holocaust and we
• 39:25
  performed that Holocaust routine at the opening of the Jewish
• 39:29
  Community Center in Virginia Beach, and it was just beautiful
• 39:33
  being able to do that original choreography.
• 39:37
  And now, you got to remember throughout all of this
• 39:40
  throughout all of this situation here.
• 39:43
  Here I am also going through, go back to listen to my other
• 39:48
  podcast about being raised a Jehovah's Witness.
• 39:50
  I am also at the same point in time, a Jehovah's Witness, who's
• 39:54
  a closeted queer? Who gets into a relationship
• 39:57
  with this. First husband gets in a
• 39:59
  relationship with Josh gets excommunicated out of the
• 40:02
  Jehovah's. Witness organization goes to
• 40:04
  college, start studying the religions of the world, living
• 40:08
  with Josh, and Norfolk Virginia, and doing all of this dance
• 40:10
  stuff. At the same time, I'm doing all
• 40:12
  of this stuff. The same time, all of this
• 40:15
  fuckery, all of the shit show, all of that, and getting
• 40:17
  certified as a yoga instructor. I'm going through all of this.
• 40:21
  All at one time, all at one time.
• 40:26
  How I ever did all of those things?
• 40:30
  And maintain that level of fuckery and maintain that level
• 40:34
  of chaos. That long remains a mystery to
• 40:38
  me, although I was drinking a lot, alcohol played a very, very
• 40:43
  big role and me being able to roll through one traumatizing
• 40:48
  event. After another
• 40:50
  blam-blam-blam-blam, just keep drinking, just keep moving
• 40:55
  forward, just keep going. Everything is going to like end
• 40:59
  eventually And that's how I lived.
• 41:04
  So yeah. We're going to take a little bit
• 41:11
  of a break. I'm going to take a little bit
• 41:13
  of a breather here and review kind of like what I talked about
• 41:17
  and I need to talk more about the Philip deal.
• 41:19
  Dance Center, my dance school. I need to talk about some of my
• 41:24
  Adventures at Bally's Total Fitness in the locker room.
• 41:29
  Make it a little sexy. And then talk more about how I
• 41:34
  wrapped up my dance career in Hampton Roads and then
• 41:38
  eventually moved to Massachusetts to Boston and
• 41:43
  started dancing here. So let's get back to talking
• 41:52
  about the Philip deal, Dance Project and Philip deal Dance
• 41:57
  Dance Center. So as I told you the dance
• 42:02
  studio that second one dance company.
• 42:04
  When I met Beverly for the very first time was using this dance
• 42:09
  studio that nobody was using and my parents and I decided that we
• 42:15
  were going to take it over, it was on Virginia Beach Boulevard
• 42:18
  very small Studio enough to fit one teacher and maybe 15 kids 15
• 42:27
  to 20 kids in the room which is actually a significant.
• 42:31
  I mean, it's not like it was nothing to Snuff at, but it was
• 42:34
  one studio and I was there for like five years.
• 42:39
  I had that studio for like five years and so I kind of open that
• 42:43
  studio right after having that big article done about me and
• 42:48
  the Virginian-Pilot. So there was enough advertising
• 42:52
  to start pulling in students and We did.
• 42:54
  Well, we did well until I got disfellowshipped and kicked out
• 42:56
  of the Jehovah's Witness organization and then all of the
• 42:59
  Jehovah's Witness kids stopped coming to my dance studio.
• 43:03
  And it was about a year or so or two years after I got
• 43:09
  disfellowshipped out of the religion that we had to close
• 43:13
  for two reasons. The first one is that there was
• 43:15
  not enough money coming in to keep the place.
• 43:17
  And number two, I couldn't go to work every single day and see my
• 43:22
  fucking mother and aunts face because even though I was
• 43:26
  disfellowshipped and I had nothing to do with my family, my
• 43:29
  mother tried to keep the business because as long as we
• 43:32
  were doing business with one another, we could have
• 43:34
  interactions with one another. Do you see how it works?
• 43:38
  Can't be friends with your family, can't be with your
• 43:41
  family, but if you work or do business with them, then you're,
• 43:43
  you have to you're required to. So based under that level of
• 43:48
  stress, I would throw up, I would be driving to work.
• 43:53
  To teach my dance classes and I would almost get to the studio
• 43:57
  and I'd have to pull over and open the door and throw up
• 44:01
  because I was under that much stress.
• 44:05
  With that dance studio, keeping that dance studio open dealing
• 44:07
  with my family. I did meet a lot of really great
• 44:12
  kids. I choreographed for them.
• 44:15
  I taught them dance. I became a dance teacher.
• 44:18
  Excuse me. I started teaching the kids.
• 44:21
  Choreographing dance routines, for kids, taking them to dance
• 44:24
  competitions. And I really, really enjoyed
• 44:26
  that. I really had a very good time
• 44:29
  for those years that I acted as a choreographer and a teacher.
• 44:34
  Teaching kids. And then, man, I didn't want to
• 44:39
  go into this that I want to go into this.
• 44:43
  I'm gonna go into this. Yeah.
• 44:46
  Why don't we go ahead and do it. We're going to do a surprise
• 44:50
  surprise part of the podcast. Surprise part of the podcast is
• 44:56
  closer to the end of my career, teaching kids dance and
• 45:00
  choreographing a dance competition routines for them.
• 45:04
  That is when I actually decided to start doing adult
• 45:10
  entertainment, I guess we can talk about my drag career now.
• 45:15
  What happened was after me and Joshua got disfellowshipped and
• 45:19
  kicked out of the Jehovah's Witness organization.
• 45:21
  We went on a quest to meet other gay people, okay?
• 45:25
  So this is where the podcast is going.
• 45:26
  Let's go down this road. Never going to really make a
• 45:30
  podcast about me being a drag queen.
• 45:35
  As its own episode. So we're going to go ahead and
• 45:38
  wrap up my life and lifestyle as a drag queen in this particular
• 45:43
  show, we're getting there everybody, we're getting there.
• 45:48
  So after me and Josh got disfellowshipped, we started
• 45:51
  going to gay bars because we wanted to meet other gay people.
• 45:55
  You, we were freshly out of the closet and just absolute young
• 46:02
  19, 20 year old guys. Or 20 21 year old guys.
• 46:07
  I think we're both 21 by that time.
• 46:11
  Because we got into the rainbow Cactus and to get into the
• 46:13
  rainbow cactus in Virginia Beach.
• 46:15
  You had to be 21, we got into the rainbow Cactus and we
• 46:20
  started interacting with Gabe, our people and became friends
• 46:24
  with Gabe. Our people, and anyone who's gay
• 46:28
  and a man who's in the gay community understands, when I
• 46:32
  say we got involved with Gabe. Our people Gay bar, people love
• 46:38
  you. When you're at the bar and when
• 46:40
  you're not at the bar, you don't exist.
• 46:42
  You know, I never experienced that before, where people were
• 46:45
  so flaky and, and the bar lifestyle, in the gay bars is.
• 46:53
  It's a whole lifestyle that you live, and I met a man named
• 46:58
  angel. An angel is also known in
• 47:02
  Virginia, Beach as Mercedes, Douglas and angel had a thing
• 47:06
  for me from the moment, he saw me.
• 47:09
  The first time we went to the rainbow cactus I literally wore
• 47:14
  a pair of pink corduroy pants, cowboy boots, a cowboy hat and a
• 47:20
  black vest with no fucking shirt on underneath it and walked into
• 47:25
  that gay bar looking like midnight, cowboy walked into
• 47:32
  that, that rainbow Cactus, like a mother fucking Hustler, every
• 47:37
  eye was on me. My hair was bleached out almost
• 47:41
  white blond. And I was that guy.
• 47:45
  Was that boy? I was that boy an angel.
• 47:49
  Just loved me and we became friends.
• 47:55
  An angel helped me out at times. And Angel also treated me very
• 48:00
  very very poorly at times. Will talk about one of those
• 48:03
  times. but, Angel came up to me and said, oh, girl, you are
• 48:12
  beautiful. You are beautiful.
• 48:15
  And I was really beautiful when I was young, not like, I'm not
• 48:18
  beautiful now. But when I was young and blond
• 48:21
  and dancing, full time I was really Angelic.
• 48:24
  I had a beautiful body, a nice, big ass, beautiful muscular ass
• 48:29
  about visible abdominal muscles and I was really cute.
• 48:33
  I was really cute. You can actually go to my Philip
• 48:35
  deal dance playlist. And you can watch me doing free
• 48:40
  the routine. I choreographed called free and
• 48:44
  malted milk. If you go watch those those
• 48:49
  dance performances, you'll see what my body looked.
• 48:52
  Like, at that time. Now I'm mad that I didn't go
• 48:57
  into porn and become a porn star as soon as I left the Jehovah's
• 49:00
  Witness organization because I would have made a lot of money
• 49:03
  or maybe not if I had gone into gay porn at that point in time
• 49:07
  in my Life, but I didn't. But angel said, you need to do
• 49:12
  drag. You need to do.
• 49:14
  Drag, your face is so delicate and beautiful that you need to
• 49:18
  do drag. I would love to do your face.
• 49:20
  I'd love to do your makeup. So I started hanging out with
• 49:22
  the drag queens because I was, I was fascinated with the idea of
• 49:27
  a man dressing up as a woman. Now, I had seen To Wong Foo.
• 49:31
  Thanks for Everything love, Julie Newmar.
• 49:33
  When I was young, I had watched Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
• 49:36
  When I was younger. I had a thing for drag queens,
• 49:39
  already like I admired them so I was like, yeah, I would love to
• 49:42
  do this. Josh hated it.
• 49:43
  Oh my God, Josh hated it, he absolutely hated it.
• 49:47
  He was totally 100% against it. He let me know about it and
• 49:51
  punished me for it for wanting to do drag.
• 49:53
  He was such a jerk, very, very selfish, very, very controlling,
• 49:59
  and was one of the most miserable twenty-year-olds I've
• 50:03
  ever met in my entire life. Did not know how to have a good
• 50:06
  time. Absolutely.
• 50:08
  Probably still doesn't know how to have a good time.
• 50:10
  I hope he's mellowed out in his old age, but we I went over and
• 50:19
  Mercedes, did my face. And I swear to God that in my
• 50:24
  drag photos, I'm going to post a video of my drag photos for
• 50:28
  everybody to see me as a drag queen.
• 50:33
  All I have is some photos but you will see that.
• 50:37
  I did a lot of impersonations. I look like Carol Burnett.
• 50:42
  I did Liza Minnelli. I did, Catherine Zeta Jones from
• 50:46
  Chicago, everyone loved my Catherine Zeta-Jones and I did
• 50:54
  Madonna, I would do Madonna what I would do Madonna at the
• 50:59
  rainbow Cactus, I would be the closing act.
• 51:01
  When I did my erotic of routine and I swear to God, that people
• 51:05
  would be getting on stage throwing ten dollar twenty
• 51:07
  dollar bills at me when I was doing erotica.
• 51:10
  So what would happen is erotica? Would begin the song erotica and
• 51:16
  I would come out and I had really, really, really short.
• 51:18
  Bleached out blonde pixie hair. Like I had short blond hair for
• 51:22
  a dude, but when I styled it, it looked like a pixie, like what
• 51:26
  Madonna look like when she was in the Girlie Show, when she was
• 51:30
  touring the Girlie Show. I came out.
• 51:33
  I had a white blouse on with a black corset around my waist, I
• 51:39
  had on black booty shorts, I had on these thigh-high black patent
• 51:45
  leather boots. I had a whip and I had the mask,
• 51:49
  I would come out and I would do erotica and I would, you know,
• 51:53
  put my boot on the table. I would make people lick my
• 51:56
  boot, you know, I would bend them over my knee, I would spank
• 52:00
  them. I would do all of those.
• 52:01
  Naughty silly, BDSM things during a radhika and then at the
• 52:06
  very end of erotica, I would take the mask off and it would
• 52:09
  go into human nature. And when it went into human
• 52:12
  nature, the closed started coming off and by the end of it,
• 52:15
  it was literally me like, in a black g-string and thigh-high
• 52:18
  boots without anything else. On total boy, drag total David
• 52:24
  Bowie Culture Club, where every other, you know, male artist
• 52:30
  that you can imagine that. Did that gender.
• 52:32
  Nothing shit. Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• 52:34
  I turned into basically Tim Curry by the ha ha.
• 52:38
  By the end of my routine. I was like basically Tim Curry.
• 52:41
  And it was so fucking awesome. Oh, my God, was, I had the bomb
• 52:47
  and I didn't get video of any of it.
• 52:49
  I'm so mad that I didn't get video of that.
• 52:53
  God, some of my best performances of my life, were
• 52:57
  performed in gay bars. Doing drag, I'll never have Have
• 53:02
  them never have them. All you can imagine is me doing
• 53:05
  Madonna, doing erotica, doing human nature and being
• 53:08
  absolutely. Filthy, just like I was when I
• 53:12
  did pole pole dancing. And burlesque and it was that
• 53:17
  side of me that sexual side that raw sexual side that
• 53:22
  exhibitionist side that I always had my whole life.
• 53:26
  I still have that exhibitionist thing obviously if you follow me
• 53:29
  on Twitter and my partner at the time Josh he just hated that he
• 53:35
  just absolutely hated that aspect of my personality, which
• 53:39
  is why eventually I had to get the fuck out of there.
• 53:43
  I had to be me. I had to be myself.
• 53:46
  And who I am is an Entertainer, an exhibitionist, a highly
• 53:51
  erotic person and that's just what I am.
• 53:54
  That's just who I am. I can't help it.
• 53:58
  It's just biologically driven. I don't have a lot of control
• 54:03
  over my sensuality in my eroticism and that was a part
• 54:07
  that he always hated. He was always embarrassed and
• 54:09
  embarrassed him that I did those things.
• 54:13
  So needless to say, I did drag and my kids knew that I did drag
• 54:21
  like I did the drag thing and even my students knew that I was
• 54:25
  a performer and an Entertainer and I worked in a bar and it was
• 54:29
  very, very very It kind of shocked everybody when Philip
• 54:36
  deal the you know, the greatest male, professional ballet,
• 54:40
  dancer that had ever come out of Hampton Roads, decided that he
• 54:43
  wanted to do drag decided that he wanted to do this kind of
• 54:47
  entertainment. I always I don't want to be a
• 54:50
  woman. I've never wanted to be a woman.
• 54:52
  I am not a trans person. I've always been kinky.
• 54:58
  I consider myself heteroflexible.
• 55:00
  I'm primarily I'm not gay. My sexual orientation is, I'm,
• 55:06
  in relationships with women, my primary relationships are with
• 55:09
  women. After I left Josh, I started
• 55:11
  dating women and I have continued to date women.
• 55:13
  Never went back to being with any men as far as being in a
• 55:17
  relationship even though I tried did not like it did not want to
• 55:20
  be in. It was not gay didn't want that
• 55:22
  relationship. And I know that sounds
• 55:24
  absolutely fucking crazy. It sounds crazy town that like
• 55:29
  for the first, you know, 25 26 years of my life.
• 55:33
  I primarily thought that, I liked men, I primarily thought
• 55:36
  that being with men was who I was that I was gay and that I
• 55:39
  would meet a man and I would be with a man, but something
• 55:42
  happened around the age of 26, 27, where I was like, I don't
• 55:49
  have any interest in being with men at all.
• 55:52
  You know, what I really want is to have sex with women, I want
• 55:56
  to enjoy women and I need a woman.
• 55:57
  I need that opposite to balance out my personality and balance
• 56:01
  out my energy and Man that I've been with has been that balance
• 56:06
  for me, doesn't mean I don't fuck around with man or screw
• 56:09
  around with man. I mean I'm a sex worker.
• 56:11
  You guys know that as an erotic massage therapist.
• 56:14
  I have massage thousands and thousands of men and then erotic
• 56:20
  and worked in and the erotic industry with men, my whole
• 56:23
  life. But that doesn't mean that's my
• 56:25
  sexual orientation. I really don't have a sexual
• 56:27
  orientation. I made a tick tock about this.
• 56:29
  I said, you know what, my sexual orientation is.
• 56:32
  Everybody wants to know, Know what your sexual orientation is?
• 56:34
  This? Nobody's goddamn business.
• 56:35
  Who you fuck? But I said, I'm cauliflower.
• 56:40
  My sexual orientation is cauliflower because you know
• 56:42
  cauliflower doesn't really like taste like anything.
• 56:45
  But old tastes like whatever you put on top of it.
• 56:47
  That's me I'm cauliflower. I've always been a gender
• 56:52
  bender, I'm not non-binary. But when I used to put on my
• 56:56
  dress and put on my makeup and my heels and go out and
• 56:59
  entertain and perform, I really enjoyed being an Entertainer
• 57:03
  because to me being a drag queen was about entertaining and
• 57:06
  making other people laugh. You know, it's kind of like
• 57:09
  being a clown. I'm sorry, I'm going to say
• 57:12
  this, of course, being a drag queen, isn't you're not a clown?
• 57:14
  If you're a drag queen, that's not what I mean.
• 57:16
  But I mean like the drag queen is like the epitome of Pride who
• 57:22
  is at the who is standing in the center of the float.
• 57:25
  You know at Pride Parade who is who was marching on the front
• 57:29
  lines of the pride parade you know with the with the pride
• 57:32
  flag in their hand singing I'm coming out you know singing
• 57:37
  Diana Ross Yes, I'm here. I'm queer.
• 57:40
  I'm proud of who I am there. The drag queens.
• 57:44
  The first person to pick up a brick at Stonewall and throw it
• 57:49
  at a police officer when the stone will Stonewall riots
• 57:52
  happen and and gay, people started saying enough enough
• 57:56
  police brutality. We're not going to stand for
• 57:58
  this anymore. We're not going to be treated
• 57:59
  like this anymore. Was a black transgendered woman.
• 58:06
  And so trans, people trans women and drag queens, have always
• 58:14
  been the backbone of what would be gay culture.
• 58:18
  In gay bars because they are the MCS that basically run the show
• 58:24
  and steer the community. People don't realize that how
• 58:27
  important drag queens are in the gay community.
• 58:30
  Are how they how important they used to be before it was
• 58:34
  RuPaul's Drag Racing and all of that and it became more
• 58:36
  commercial and everybody views drag queens is applied as a part
• 58:40
  of the gay community or Gay Culture.
• 58:44
  They don't realize the importance that drag queens
• 58:46
  played throughout the Evolution of.
• 58:51
  The lgbtq communities path to equality.
• 58:55
  I enjoy and I loved it. I wish I would have gone to miss
• 58:58
  gay America. If I would have gone to miss gay
• 59:00
  America, and perform Catherine Zeta-Jones or Madonna are done
• 59:03
  one of those things I would have.
• 59:06
  I really think that I would have done very well.
• 59:08
  I think I would have placed very high if I would have actually
• 59:11
  done that gotten into drag like more than just performing in
• 59:16
  bars every single weekend with Mercedes.
• 59:18
  I mean, like actually try to do it like professionally.
• 59:21
  I think it would have done it well but I didn't love it.
• 59:23
  I didn't want to do that. That's not That wasn't my love,
• 59:26
  my passion in life, something I really enjoy doing. closer to
• 59:32
  the end of me, hanging out with Mercedes is when I met the
• 59:37
  mother of my daughter, and when I started doing adult
• 59:42
  entertainment, when I started doing pornography and porn and
• 59:45
  shooting my own porn, Let me look at my phone right here and
• 59:51
  let me look at my checklist please on my podcast.
• 59:59
  We're going to go ahead and talk about this.
• 1:00:01
  We're going to go ahead and talk about how I transitioned into
• 1:00:06
  the world of porn and jack off videos.
• 1:00:10
  We're going to go ahead and talk about it. so, at some point in
• 1:00:17
  time in my late 20s, I had left Josh I had already gotten into
• 1:00:26
  doing erotic massage posting ads on Craigslist and taking erotic
• 1:00:33
  appointments. I made a podcast already about
• 1:00:35
  how I became a male for male erotic massage therapist.
• 1:00:38
  Male female tantric, bodyworker. You can go listen to that.
• 1:00:42
  That's the full story, but I started doing erotic Bodywork to
• 1:00:45
  make money and when I decided that I wanted to wanted to
• 1:00:51
  masturbate in front of everybody and I wanted to make A jackoff
• 1:00:54
  video. And I wanted to upload this
• 1:00:56
  video to Xtube Xtube social media site.
• 1:01:01
  Like PornHub xHamster, where you can shoot your own porn, upload
• 1:01:06
  it? Create a user profile, blah
• 1:01:08
  blah, blah. I created an account on Xtube
• 1:01:10
  and I jacked off to watching Xtube videos for a very long
• 1:01:13
  time. But then I decided, you know, I
• 1:01:15
  want to upload my own video. So what had happened was one day
• 1:01:21
  when I was feeling really, really horny, I pulled out my
• 1:01:23
  little video camera that I had And I turned it on and I started
• 1:01:28
  playing with myself and doing my thing.
• 1:01:31
  I started doing my thang. And made a little video, like it
• 1:01:38
  was a couple of minutes long but it was really, really hot.
• 1:01:41
  And I showed off my ass my hot ass at the time, a big old cock
• 1:01:45
  put it on Xtube. And I was like, oh my gosh, I
• 1:01:50
  can't believe I just put this on Xtube, like I could have never
• 1:01:52
  done that. When I was with Josh, I had
• 1:01:54
  wanted to do some, like porn stuff and put it up when I was
• 1:01:58
  with Josh, but he forbade me to do it, so I didn't.
• 1:02:02
  But then I said, okay, I uploaded the video later.
• 1:02:06
  A cut later. On in the evening, I went back
• 1:02:08
  and looked at it and there was like 25 views on it. 30 views on
• 1:02:13
  the video. A couple of guys said, yo, man.
• 1:02:16
  That's a hot ass. That's a real big cock.
• 1:02:18
  Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh my God, I
• 1:02:20
  can't believe it. I can't believe other people saw
• 1:02:22
  me do that. And then I like, went to sleep a
• 1:02:26
  couple of days later. I decided that I was going to
• 1:02:30
  jump back on Xtube and check on my video and when I did it had
• 1:02:36
  like a hundred and fifty two hundred thousand views on it and
• 1:02:39
  it went viral, there were some gay porn bloggers that had saw.
• 1:02:43
  My video thought it was really hot and decided to post it on
• 1:02:46
  their blogs that had a very, very large distribution of
• 1:02:51
  followers that. Wow!
• 1:02:52
  Look at this new guy. This guy's really fucking hot.
• 1:02:56
  And my video went viral and I was Absolutely.
• 1:03:01
  Mortified. Is that the word?
• 1:03:03
  Like I let me be really clear. I am Shameless.
• 1:03:08
  Okay. I am Shameless.
• 1:03:10
  I I will pull down my pants and show off my dick anywhere.
• 1:03:16
  It's anyone that asked to see it.
• 1:03:18
  I am literally that, I guess it's exhibitionism, but like
• 1:03:23
  maybe not in a negative way more like a performative way.
• 1:03:28
  I think dicks are funny. I think nudity is funny.
• 1:03:31
  I think girls with big titties are funny.
• 1:03:34
  I think skimpy clothing is funny.
• 1:03:36
  I think risque humor and risque jokes are funny.
• 1:03:39
  I think kinky things are funny. I think, BDSM thing or I find
• 1:03:43
  sex to be enjoyable fun and pleasurable when I left the
• 1:03:46
  Christian shit and I left the Jehovah's Witness stuff.
• 1:03:49
  I was like, Christianity is completely against nature has
• 1:03:53
  absolutely nothing to do with the real world because everybody
• 1:03:56
  has to eat Nobody has to drink. Everybody has to sleep.
• 1:04:00
  Everybody has to piss. Everybody has to shit and
• 1:04:02
  everybody needs to orgasm. It is biologically, driven.
• 1:04:06
  Matter of fact, orgasm, I think is, was God's way of sweetening
• 1:04:11
  the deal, you know, it's like orgasms feel so good and
• 1:04:14
  ejaculating feels so good. It's highly motivating for men
• 1:04:18
  to want to do that in order to procreate.
• 1:04:21
  It's like the reward you get from for procreating.
• 1:04:26
  Sex and orgasm and sexual enjoyment.
• 1:04:28
  And eroticism is like the perks that you get from doing your job
• 1:04:32
  of creating new life. That's what I really believe.
• 1:04:36
  That's my belief. I'm a witch that's what I
• 1:04:38
  believe. So I find erections and
• 1:04:41
  ejaculation and women and and female squirting.
• 1:04:47
  And all of this stuff, I find it to be very funny, pleasurable,
• 1:04:52
  and enjoyable, I don't have those stick.
• 1:04:54
  I don't have that stigma. Insects that a lot of other
• 1:04:57
  people have, I just don't. And so people might think that's
• 1:05:04
  perverted or perverse for me to be that way, but I don't see it
• 1:05:10
  that way at all. I don't think I'm a pervert.
• 1:05:13
  I just think I'm very, very sexual.
• 1:05:16
  And so I, so when I realized that, well, you know, now that
• 1:05:22
  like, 150,000 people have seen me naked and watch me jack off.
• 1:05:28
  Maybe I'll make another video. And then I started making
• 1:05:30
  another video and another video and another video and every
• 1:05:33
  single video I posted got 100,000 views, 200,000 views,
• 1:05:37
  400,000, views, 500,000 views, and like, eventually, like, over
• 1:05:43
  a million people or more. Saw me all over every single
• 1:05:48
  tube site. Jacking off and I declared
• 1:05:52
  myself to jack off King Of The World.
• 1:05:54
  Another thing that I did to be very good that made me very
• 1:05:57
  popular and unique on Xtube because at one point in time I
• 1:06:02
  was the most viewed X2 Burr on Xtube.
• 1:06:04
  When you went to the X2 website and you logged in the number one
• 1:06:09
  user at the top of the screen on the homepage was Adam likes
• 1:06:13
  apples. Yes.
• 1:06:15
  My user name was Adam likes apples and I went as Adam and I
• 1:06:19
  created an Alias known as Adam that everybody still knows.
• 1:06:26
  Everybody that knows me from back in the day and I'm did that
• 1:06:28
  was back in like, 2007 2008? Yeah. 2007 2008 is when I
• 1:06:38
  started doing my Jackoff videos and had my little celebrity
• 1:06:42
  status as an amateur porn star. I won best video of you of the
• 1:06:48
  year at the amateur porn star award.
• 1:06:50
  It's hosted by Exotica in Miami. Florida presented by Xtube.
• 1:06:54
  So I actually won. I'm an award-winning amateur
• 1:06:58
  porn star, haha. That's what happened.
• 1:07:03
  And let me tell you when I actually started doing the porn
• 1:07:06
  and when I started doing all of the stuff I realized pretty much
• 1:07:10
  immediately this is what's going back to children and working
• 1:07:12
  with kids and competitions and stuff.
• 1:07:14
  I realized if I'm going to do jack off porn and everyone in
• 1:07:18
  the world is going to know who I am.
• 1:07:20
  And No, my face and see all of this stuff.
• 1:07:23
  I absolutely cannot teach kids anymore.
• 1:07:26
  It was just it was inappropriate for me to want to continue to be
• 1:07:31
  in the dance world and choreograph for kids and teach
• 1:07:35
  kids dance. While at the same time doing
• 1:07:38
  pornography, that was not going to end well for me because of
• 1:07:41
  how many people have this this feeling about people that do
• 1:07:44
  porn and pornography, and, and and children's exposure to adult
• 1:07:50
  entertainment and adult things, you know?
• 1:07:52
  And I agree. I agree.
• 1:07:54
  And so I said this is an eye. I told the parents I said, look,
• 1:07:59
  I started doing porn. Of course, the parents that I
• 1:08:02
  worked with giggled and laughed and they're like, of course, you
• 1:08:05
  did Philip, of course, you started doing porn.
• 1:08:07
  I was like, I can't teach your kids anymore, because I can't
• 1:08:10
  pursue my little career over here as an amateur porn star and
• 1:08:15
  sex worker, because doing amateur porn really fueled my
• 1:08:19
  industry as a sex worker. You know, it's a calling card.
• 1:08:23
  People want to say, oh you do erotic massages.
• 1:08:25
  I'm Adam likes apples on Xtube. You can go watch my videos.
• 1:08:29
  Of course they go watch my videos and they're immediately
• 1:08:31
  booking an appointment to get an erotic massage.
• 1:08:33
  Right? So I mean it was very good for
• 1:08:34
  me. It was lucrative at the time to
• 1:08:38
  do that. Supported me supported My
• 1:08:41
  Lifestyle for a very, very long time.
• 1:08:44
  Allowed me to work when I want whenever whenever I wanted
• 1:08:48
  wherever I wanted, and I had a lot of mental and behavioral
• 1:08:51
  problems and I had a lot of physical problems and
• 1:08:53
  eventually, you know, being able to work on my own was the best
• 1:08:58
  way for me to make money by myself.
• 1:09:02
  I was able to make money by myself and take care of myself
• 1:09:05
  by living by myself and having men come over and do massage on
• 1:09:09
  them. I said to the parents, you know,
• 1:09:11
  I can't do this anymore and they're like, yeah, we get it,
• 1:09:13
  we understand, you know, people are assholes and so I stopped
• 1:09:17
  teaching the kids. And went on to pursue my career
• 1:09:22
  in adult entertainment now. Where did this fuck me over?
• 1:09:26
  I've been trying to decide for a very long time whether or not I
• 1:09:30
  was going to discuss this or not discuss this, but I think I
• 1:09:32
  will. It was at that point in time.
• 1:09:38
  When I started doing erotic massage, when I, let go of the
• 1:09:42
  kids and I stopped teaching them.
• 1:09:45
  And I moved into amateur porn and being a minor celebrity.
• 1:09:51
  You know, influencer they call him influencers now.
• 1:09:54
  But back then, I don't, there wasn't really a name for it
• 1:09:57
  influencers. Porn influencers, I met the
• 1:10:01
  mother of my daughter. And the mother of my daughter
• 1:10:06
  and I hooked up and we were together for a brief period of
• 1:10:11
  time. And then after after we were
• 1:10:16
  together for a little while, I realized that, you know, our
• 1:10:19
  relationship was not going to work out.
• 1:10:22
  So I left and about three months later, four months later, I got
• 1:10:28
  a text message from her telling me that she was pregnant.
• 1:10:33
  She texted me this on Valentine's Day.
• 1:10:38
  I was driving in the car. When I read the text, I almost
• 1:10:40
  wrecked my car. I pulled over and I said, are
• 1:10:44
  you sure? And she said, I'm sure that it's
• 1:10:46
  yours. I wasn't going to tell you that
• 1:10:48
  it was yours, but I decided that you should know.
• 1:10:52
  She should have never told me that she should have never, if
• 1:10:55
  she, if she wouldn't have wanted me to fight for me to be able to
• 1:10:59
  try to see my child, she should have never told me she should
• 1:11:02
  have taken off. But I'm glad that she told me.
• 1:11:05
  But what happened over the next few years became the nightmare
• 1:11:08
  of my life dealing with this woman.
• 1:11:11
  That became the mother of my beautiful daughter who I love
• 1:11:14
  very much that I talk to Now that she's a teenager but back
• 1:11:24
  then it was a very, very, very bad situation.
• 1:11:32
  I did not know that my daughter was born until like two and a
• 1:11:35
  half months, three months after she was born.
• 1:11:41
  I tried to get back with Athena. Yeah her name is Athena.
• 1:11:45
  I tried to get back with Athena for a brief period of time
• 1:11:47
  because I felt very guilty. I didn't want to not be a
• 1:11:49
  father. I didn't not want to be
• 1:11:51
  responsible for the child. But it didn't work out and after
• 1:11:58
  that, after it didn't work out. The second time, she stopped
• 1:12:02
  talking to me. And the woman hasn't looked in
• 1:12:04
  my direction or breathed in my direction or talked to me.
• 1:12:10
  Except for a few times, over legal matters.
• 1:12:15
  Over the past you know, 13 14 years.
• 1:12:21
  So what had happened was she did not put my name on my child's
• 1:12:25
  birth certificate and I had to fight legally.
• 1:12:30
  I had to take her to court to get my name on the birth
• 1:12:32
  certificate to be able to win joint, custody of my daughter
• 1:12:36
  and the shitty nasty thing that she did to me.
• 1:12:38
  I'm just going to point it out there there's a lot of good men
• 1:12:41
  out there that want to be good Fathers that end up with these
• 1:12:44
  nasty cunt. These baby mamas that want to
• 1:12:47
  make their lives. Absolutely miserable.
• 1:12:49
  And this woman has made my life miserable.
• 1:12:52
  As long as my daughter has been alive and continues to make my
• 1:12:56
  life miserable. That's just the truth.
• 1:13:01
  And my sheet when we went to court, I had to do a paternity
• 1:13:06
  test to prove my paternity in order to get my name on the
• 1:13:09
  actual birth certificate. After the name was actually on
• 1:13:12
  the birth certificate. We went to court, I was awarded
• 1:13:15
  joint custody over my daughter. Although my daughter has been
• 1:13:18
  with Athena and lived with Athena ever since Athena picked
• 1:13:22
  up and took off and ran away to Utah.
• 1:13:25
  And at the point at that, at the time of my life, deep into
• 1:13:29
  alcoholism. A sex worker, an amateur porn
• 1:13:34
  star living a very very sloppy life doing a lot of things that
• 1:13:39
  were not. Legal at the time.
• 1:13:45
  I didn't have any other option but to watch her walk away with
• 1:13:48
  my daughter, I did. And I want to be honest with
• 1:13:51
  you. I did not have the ability at
• 1:13:53
  the time that my daughter was born to be a good.
• 1:13:56
  Father, I did not. I did not have the skills to be
• 1:13:59
  a father. I did not have the intelligence
• 1:14:02
  or the emotional intelligence to be a father.
• 1:14:05
  And I also was living a lifestyle that was really,
• 1:14:09
  really, really dirty. And Raw and very adult.
• 1:14:14
  There was no room for a child in my life for what I was doing at
• 1:14:19
  that time it would have been really, really bad.
• 1:14:23
  I'm going to be honest and I know that one day my daughter is
• 1:14:26
  going to listen to this. It would have been really,
• 1:14:28
  really bad to have a little girl in the middle of all of the
• 1:14:32
  stuff that I was doing. So in that sense I'm grateful to
• 1:14:38
  Athena that she took my daughter and raised.
• 1:14:41
  My daughter in an environment that was safe and quiet
• 1:14:44
  surrounded by family. And live their life as I had to
• 1:14:49
  process through my garbage and life work out my own Karma, and
• 1:14:53
  get to the other end of my alcoholism.
• 1:14:57
  That's the truth. Wow.
• 1:14:58
  God damn it. What a fucking Moment of Truth
• 1:15:01
  in life. Right now, it's like 119 the day
• 1:15:05
  before Christmas 20:22. I'm just, I've just, I've just
• 1:15:09
  given you the most intimate piece of information.
• 1:15:12
  I could possibly give to you or to anyone.
• 1:15:16
  About like my life, like the biggest tragedy of my life,
• 1:15:20
  there's only two things in my life, that I regret that I
• 1:15:23
  really, really regret. And one of them is not being in
• 1:15:28
  my daughter's life. But do you know what Athena did
• 1:15:33
  to try to prevent me? Which he has tried to prevent me
• 1:15:36
  and block me from seeing and talking to my daughter her
• 1:15:38
  entire life. When we went into court, she
• 1:15:41
  actually had the balls to tell the judge that she was a
• 1:15:47
  concerned about my daughter's safety around me.
• 1:15:52
  Because of the fact that I did porn and amateur porn, as if I
• 1:15:56
  would like, sexually molest my own daughter.
• 1:16:01
  Because I did porn because I was an amateur porn star because I
• 1:16:05
  did adult work that she was concerned about her daughter's
• 1:16:10
  safety. Ain't that some shit right
• 1:16:14
  there? Ain't that some shit?
• 1:16:17
  She didn't believe that. She didn't believe that.
• 1:16:20
  But let me tell you that bitch sure pulled that card out of her
• 1:16:23
  back pocket. As soon as she got in front of
• 1:16:25
  the judge, I had a lawyer and my lawyer said to the judge, your
• 1:16:30
  honor, my client is an adult Entertainer.
• 1:16:34
  He does it, he does adult entertainment.
• 1:16:36
  He is an amateur. Porn star.
• 1:16:41
  But there is absolutely no criminal record on him of having
• 1:16:46
  any kind of inappropriate behavior, or any kind of sexual
• 1:16:49
  misconduct. No felonies, no nothing no
• 1:16:53
  accusations against him. There's absolutely no reason to
• 1:16:58
  think that mr. Deal would be a harm are
• 1:17:02
  hazardous to his child because he's in the adult entertainment
• 1:17:06
  industry. And the judge at the time.
• 1:17:10
  Surprisingly enough for being in Southern Virginia, said I agree
• 1:17:16
  and he was like, you know, without any kind of criminal
• 1:17:20
  record Miss so-and-so. I can't block.
• 1:17:26
  You're the father of your child from seeing his child just
• 1:17:29
  because you don't like what he does and that was the end of it.
• 1:17:34
  Not going to go into it. I'm not going to go further down
• 1:17:37
  that path. That was a very important part
• 1:17:40
  of my life. It happened.
• 1:17:42
  It's not really something that I talked about publicly ever, I
• 1:17:47
  have made Tech talks about my frustration as a man.
• 1:17:52
  Dealing with a woman who has made my life miserable and
• 1:17:57
  prevented me. Prevented me for a very long
• 1:18:00
  time. To communicate with my daughter,
• 1:18:01
  what ended up happening was after Athena took off and went
• 1:18:04
  to Utah. I lost contact with them for a
• 1:18:12
  very long time and we made the agreement that I would leave
• 1:18:18
  them alone. She would leave me alone.
• 1:18:21
  And if at any point in time in the future, my daughter wanted
• 1:18:24
  to contact me. She told me I will not prevent
• 1:18:27
  my daughter from knowing who you are.
• 1:18:29
  I will not prevent her from contacting you if she ever gets
• 1:18:32
  to an age that she wants to contact you, I will not prevent
• 1:18:35
  her from doing that but I am absolutely not going to help you
• 1:18:39
  in any kind of way have communication with her.
• 1:18:43
  So what ended up happening in? This is an amazing thing.
• 1:18:48
  Okay? Everybody, this is an amazing
• 1:18:50
  thing and which is why Sometimes I really do believe that our
• 1:18:55
  lives are orchestrated, our become orchestrated over time by
• 1:19:00
  the forces that be 2016 was when I had my major breakdown 2016 is
• 1:19:09
  when I quit drinking and I went into rehab and IB and I got
• 1:19:13
  sober my next podcast now. Absolutely 100%.
• 1:19:17
  Now that I'm looking at the things that I wanted to talk
• 1:19:19
  about. Is definitely going to be about
• 1:19:24
  alcoholism. Definitely need to talk about
• 1:19:27
  alcoholism and addiction and my life, and how I functioned as an
• 1:19:32
  alcoholic. But I had gotten sober and 2016,
• 1:19:37
  November. Seventh.
• 1:19:44
  Our 6 November 6th 2016. I opened my eyes from a coma in
• 1:19:51
  a rehab facility in Worcester Massachusetts and I started
• 1:19:54
  getting my life together and I've been sober ever since, but
• 1:19:58
  don't you know, in 2017, something happened, I opened my
• 1:20:02
  email and there was an email from my, my daughter's
• 1:20:07
  grandmother Athena's mother saying, hey, this is Tracy and I
• 1:20:12
  love Tracy. She is a goddamn Damn st.
• 1:20:15
  She has always been very good to me.
• 1:20:17
  She has always disapproved about the way I was treated.
• 1:20:20
  Okay, by Athena and She said your daughter wants to know who
• 1:20:30
  you are. she's asking about you and she wants to talk to you and
• 1:20:37
  it was at that point in time that the communication barrier
• 1:20:41
  between me and my daughter opened back up and Tracy as the
• 1:20:45
  grandmother became the She became the mediator between
• 1:20:54
  being able to deal with me and my daughter being able to see me
• 1:20:58
  or talk to me and interact with me.
• 1:21:01
  So, it's been very, very difficult Road.
• 1:21:06
  It's been very depressing. It has been one of the worst
• 1:21:11
  things that ever happened to me in life was being separated from
• 1:21:14
  my own child, not being able to see her still having very
• 1:21:18
  limited communication. Even with her because of the way
• 1:21:21
  that Athena behaves towards me. So that is a lot of life to pack
• 1:21:29
  into 36 years. Now, I didn't even go down the
• 1:21:36
  route of talking about my pole, dancing career.
• 1:21:38
  We will talking about, we will start talking about, I want to
• 1:21:42
  go back to porn. I want to talk about my porn
• 1:21:45
  career. I want to talk about how I
• 1:21:47
  became a burlesque Entertainer in Massachusetts, I want to talk
• 1:21:50
  about the slut cracker. Yes, the slut cracker.
• 1:21:53
  I want to talk about my life as a pole fitness instructor and
• 1:21:58
  doing pole dancing. You can see videos of me pole
• 1:22:00
  dancing on my YouTube channel. Also, in my dance videos, And
• 1:22:04
  then I want to talk about my alcoholism overcoming alcoholism
• 1:22:10
  and being a sober person today. And I would like to get the rest
• 1:22:13
  of my podcasts finished by the first of the year, I think I'm
• 1:22:18
  probably going to be publishing another podcast before the first
• 1:22:21
  of the year. That's going to pretty much wrap
• 1:22:23
  up the first 42 years of my life.
• 1:22:29
  Up until this point in time, it's definitely something that I
• 1:22:32
  want to get done by January. But I hope you enjoyed this
• 1:22:35
  podcast. I hope you learned a little bit
• 1:22:37
  more about me. Found it entertaining to listen
• 1:22:41
  to, you know, and I love you guys.
• 1:22:45
  I love my audience. You guys have follow me and
• 1:22:47
  listen to my stuff. You mean the world to me, you
• 1:22:50
  know, like John Mayer. Says, let's grow old together.
• 1:22:54
  Thank you for listening to me, talk about my life.
• 1:22:57
  It really means everything to me, and I hope, Enjoyed this
• 1:23:00
  podcast. And I hope you come back to hear
• 1:23:02
  another episode very soon in the future, love and light.