Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Miguel Iribar - Socialcoholico

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Miguel Iribar - Socialcoholico · Comedy Central Stand-Up

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Committee Central Podcast. Thank you so much, buddy. Thank you so much.
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I' m Miguel Iribar You' ve been delighted to be here.
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The truth is, comedians travel a lot. One day we can touch such
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a beautiful place, with nice people, looking as healthy as having eaten as
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a child, very good ham and the next day you can go to a
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village of deep Spain, with people with only one eyebrow, with primitive expression,
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as of the time when the human being had no awareness of himself,
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people who look at you badly. And this makes us a little crazy,
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because it' s like one day a beautiful playmate comes to your bed that
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says Miguel, I don' t know what' s going on, but
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you make me horny and the next day you get a Polish truck driver who
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tells you to come over here. My little servatillo is hard. The only
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thing that comforts us is that at least we' re working in bars and
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I get along very well with the drunks. I love that Spain is an
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alcoholic country, from Spain. No. Spain is a drunk country and it
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' s nice. I mean. I don' t like it. Not
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bad. Spain is the only country in the world where you can see a
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super serious guy, super convinced, telling you no, man, yesterday I
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left until 5: 30 in the morning. I didn' t feel like
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going out. You know I was there. Thank you, but I give
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you joy. People say no, man, we' re not so partying.
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What happens in Spain is wine culture. It' s just saying collateral
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year, humanitarian bombing. There is no economic crisis, there is negative growth
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and wine culture. No. No, no, I' m a whore.
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I like suspended love. Anyway. No, no, no, we
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have wine culture. I don' t have such a bad time as when
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I go to a restaurant and I have to order wine, because I'
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m a cateto. I don' t understand wine and the waiter always recognizes
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you for some reason and wants to fuck you that you get there. The
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guy already sees you from afar saying look a prick come here, wait for
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you to come there with your nightgown and it varies. I know it'
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s you He' s a little shirt guy He' s an outrage at
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those guys you' re going around. Come on, come on You'
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re coming with your girlfriend to impress. Come on, come on, you
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order wine, come on You' re going? Who' s going to
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order? Who' s going to taste the wine, uh, the lady
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or the loser, the loser has touched you come and you' ve and
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you' ve become. If he doesn' t do that shit to you,
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see what you' re saying, no. I like not to wait
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like this. One second. I tend to look at my girlfriend, look
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at her and say, uh, red you know how best and if she
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hasn' t noticed that you' re laughing at him, you tell her
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uh. Go back to oaks, tannins and mistol so fry gallo and bring
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it back to me again. No. The truth is, it' s
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okay, it' s okay. I do it a lot of restaurants.
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I grew up, well, I grew up in Triana. Anyway, I
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' ll tell you about the few restaurants I' ve ever been to.
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But I saw her in Madrid. I live in Lavapies, a multicultural neighborhood,
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really has a lot of people of all colors, of all stories,
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it' s fucking cool. There' s the only ones I care about
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are a little bit the Chinese that I think there' s mogollón that'
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s great, not that you like him, I mean, there' s
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mogollón everywhere. They' re people you empathize with, they don' t
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smile at, they' re cool, but they' re people who work
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20 hours straight, don' t give them time for breakfast. The Spaniards
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had breakfast for twenty hours in a row, it doesn' t give us
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time to work. Okay we' re, we' re bad China is
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absorbing everybody' s debt, it' s buying log banks I' m
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probably special, but the day I go to a Spanish bank and find it
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all full of Chinese taking care of me I' m fucking, I don
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' t want my money to have it a rock that has as a pet
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a shitty kitty that does so it' s worth because first I don'
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t trust cats and second, that cat clearly doesn' t save. He
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' s playing the slots and he gives you the way he gives you,
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like he' s going down, so don' t be cool, they
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' re buying. Besides, Spanish restaurants are catching it too and they already
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do things like that. The day I went to an Asturian cider shop.
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I see a china scansi like this from Lascancia Zildai, who was doing well
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on top of it, but you say trongo, that is, I'
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ve been having nightmares for two days because he says man, this is going
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to change everything, that is, I' ve been dreaming about a chinese
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coming to me and saying hello, uncle I' m going to be monologue
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today. You sell beer at the door and besides, man, it all
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comes from China to see the phones come from China. The clothes, the
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shoes, the toys of your children, all the technology, the cars,
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almost everything comes from China. Everything and we still have the little shame of
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when our children ask Momyo, where I come from, we tell him from
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Paris, he says how I can tell him from Paris, how we can
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have that little shame has always freaked me out in every way we say to
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the children who come from Paris. Be it me, I imagine Jonathan Jesus
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among Bujena with three years old, coming out of his Andalusian corral, seeing
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his mother hanging a pair of pink polka dots. Tell Mom where she came
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from, for your son from Paris already sees me there a little Frenchy,
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not a little too much unfinished boy. Not very much I must read.
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He won' t give that France was the reference before. It was cool
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with me. When France was the fucking reference you saw there I don'
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t know the encyclopedia, the illustration, the vague cloud already cost that it
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was like Happy Rodriguez from the source, but water resist that it was cool,
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that it travels, that you said fuck how cool it doesn' t
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and it really says that you don' t need to do so much for
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humanity and it says that already with the French sex it says you have fulfilled.
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You know it' s all right. In addition, the mystery is
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well cultivated. The French have this scroll of this phrase, not the French
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one. She' s a lady on the street, but a whore in
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bed. Maybe I don' t fucking believe it, but I' m
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intrigued. You know he' s leaving me curious here. Not the only
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thing I don' t forgive the French is pronunciation. I mean, guys,
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what do you do like your pronunciation? No, no, I'
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m not prepared to assume that pronunciation. I mean, I was going fu
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Fax is written fuck don' t fuck with a thousand Latin fo and hey
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you say log. There are five vowels in the alphabet, uh and or
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u use three o, the I and the e missing two, the U
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and the how you pronounce it was with two balls. All this I say
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to be cool and show that I have studies. You know if I'
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m cool, I have studies. I did a career, I did journalism,
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a very difficult career. Don' t laugh so much, you bastards.
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I mean, it' s a race where you have to be competing
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with people who are in an intensive potato regimen. Frita beer and joints is
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good and you have to be there, that is to say, the journalist
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leads a hard life, that is, you see him when you see street
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people saying there' s a reporter there' s a yonkeye, but who
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' s who isn' t, that is, you stay there there'
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s a bunch of truncheons in journalism, a mogollón you see people because they
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directly plant marijuana and already seem to have married a very possessive woman, who
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has it overwhelmed. And you see him there with pesticides, with cuttings,
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with lamps, with weather risk, with microscopes that you say asshole guy with
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this lab, that you have mountain, that I know helps find a cancer
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vaccine, says forgive people with cancer are my best clients. It' s
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not cool with me either, the harmless smokers, the cool smokers, not
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this guy thing. I actually studied smoking uncle and I prove he says the
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least bad thing he studies medicine, motherfucker, not because he means, then
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man. There are people who are leaving. These joints are the ones that
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end it like in two, not making documentaries of the being in Getti,
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that says pasta, of being in Getti bastard relax. Then there were journalists
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who already passed a little more, ended up with a little worse, abused
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it with harder drugs and ended up in intereconomy. Well, a little more
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fucked up. But it' s okay. No, but mostly in college
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what was there were college girls. The college girl is a wonder that happens
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to you at that age. It' s a very nice thing. You
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play a little bit of having friends. Well, who says friends. She
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says friend with a right to rub or rub and with a right friend or
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wine culture or whatever the fuck she wants, you don' t care,
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but you play, don' t, and suddenly you start to realize the
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limits. It doesn' t say good. Okay, I see this chick
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who' s a cute little girl I' m his friend with, but
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you fuck up the day she tells you. Joye, Miguel, the truth
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is that you' re a solete and you' re, uh, forgiving
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insults you or I disrespect you at some point, I mean, if you
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ever get called solete, I keep in mind that you' re being reduced
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to the lowest of human beings. Okay, I mean, it' s
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really sad. Do not allow yourselves to fight for your right. Don'
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t let them ever call you single, because there' s no aunt.
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There won' t be any aunt. Have her call a friend and tell
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Auntie. Yesterday I was fucking like a bitch with whom with a solete does
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not exist and will not exist. There are like and there are times that
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you really try to work it out and it says good I' m going
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to be a friend and you' re going to eat coffee, that you
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' ve seen it out there in the movies I know you' re going
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to have coffee and the three teas sometimes like a little thing, like you
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worry without realizing it, you have gestures without intention, but that worry us
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like this mania of some of you to support, like the brews on the
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table, with much naturalness that you fall as in your hypnosis. You don
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' t get broken your whole life. All you want to do is satisfy
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windy comes out or you' re fucked. And then there are times when
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you have these little phrases that you also say as without evil because you women
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have no evil truth. You are lovely and excellent beings, but sometimes you
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say suddenly jor you know. The truth is, they always tell me that
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she sucks it very well. I really don' t know how glad you
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give me this useful information. I don' t mean, you' re
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stuck being careful. There are many too many topics, perhaps about relationships.
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There' s no such thing as a topic bothers me especially that it'
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s this one that says any woman can hook up with the guy she wants.
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I' d like it to be clear that this topic is completely true.
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Okay. But it' s not our fault, I mean, it
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' s not our fault. This is a serious evolutionary problem, because when
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an aunt, if an aunt grabs the package, she lowers your t-
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shirt with the intention of making a case for you an infinite affellation, that
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leaves your eyes blank. You can' t stop her. You can'
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t say no. But it' s not because you like them. No,
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it' s not because you want to, not because you want to,
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because it' s good, because you want to. It' s
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not just because, after millions of years of evolution, nature hasn' t
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thought of an answer for that It' s okay, so it' s
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not thought of, that is, it' s stalled. There' s
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a limit point, like when kittens get caught by the neck you make.
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That' s how you know there' s nothing to reproach. I mean,
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that' s right. But I' ve said a term that may
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have offended people if you' re perhaps too much of a Catholic or a
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Republican American. He said of evolution, eh pardon or intended. Thank you
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you know these creationists are many times people, with studies that have made cattle
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even more difficult than journalism, and that and that tells you it is not
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totally impossible, that it is man come from the monkey by evolution, says
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man. The truth is, looking at you and listening to you, it
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really doesn' t make sense to talk about evolution. No, but not
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well. Now there' s a theme. Now with religion. It'
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s not getting any less fashionable. I think that above all Christianity may be
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having a little low hours. Things like Buddhism are getting fashionable. I believe
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that there is an obvious reason, that is, a crucified Christ cannot compete
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with a Buddha in an ibiza chalet as a decorative object. It' s
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much cooler, that is, you' re placed in an ibiza chalet,
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full of goboz house music You see a Christ crucified there and he says snoring
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what happened to you. You look like a big or big gold Buddha,
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she says pussy. Carlos Jin you know how there' s roll. I
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don' t know, it' s funny. I am very shocked at
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religion, because there are, like many religions, everyone believes that it is
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their religion. His religion is absolutely true. I think there' s a
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problem, which is that, of course God had like the mania to introduce
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himself a lot of years ago to people like in a cave, in a
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mountain. Sometimes they didn' t know how to read that it' s
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like coming under a bridge, telling your shit here to someone who knows what
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and then a medic arrives and tells you how the message got confused. Okay,
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there' s too much, but it' s okay. I really,
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if there is God, right, I think I should go out today
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on television, in preintime pussy comes out in Telecinco short for a little while,
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the save me is worth to put a can to Jorge Javier Vázquez tells
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me come rod there, eh that explodes all the silicone of the set causing
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the chaos is good and no bush, burning ah what more to bel In
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Esteban it is worth that people see it. Of course say Miracle Bethlehem Stephen
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has quieted down, you know so that they know and you already count.
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Whatever you want, I don' t care. I don' t care
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what you want, that' s cool and you take off a little bit.
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This widespread confusion, which is the bath as scratched. No. No,
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it' s all in the Bible, it' s all in the
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Bible. It' s all in the Bible. Liste people say Uncle,
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to see the Bible log that is they always tell you in contracts be careful
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because they put it folded with the small print. The Bible is 3,
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000 pages of small print. Okay, it' s a scratch and people
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just as they don' t read it clearly, good people, they don
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' t have the paper worth the Bible by the balls. He' s
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cleared because God is so good. God I don' t know how much,
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Uncle, and I' ve read myself a little bit of that little
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print. God has very chungy, very chungy parts. And it' s
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not only violent, but sometimes it' s freaky, that is, there
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' s a passage. I swear it' s true. It' s
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a little freaky, but I swear it' s true. You can look
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for him. Second Book of Kings, chapter two verses, twenty- three
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and twenty- four speak of the prophet Elisha. Who the fuck is Elisha,
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I don' t know. They talk about Elisha and he says the
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passage and going up Elisha through the mountain, some kids who went after him
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mocked him. They called him bald, go bald, go up I swear
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he said that is right and Elisha saw them and cursed them in the name
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of Jehovah. And the LORD sent two bears who tore forty- two of
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those boys apart, you say," Shut up for calling a fucking prophet
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bald" You send two bears to tear apart forty- two young trunks who
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are uncles, man, roll up, put the pop- guy Elisha'
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s mane from the singer of Urope and say for you you know. I
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don' t know. The church has a little point sometimes a little short
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run. He fucked up three hundred years ago in a forest, some ladies
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of the village were going to make their coven of good vibe, to peel
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off, to get a little high with some honguitos that we have all done
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once and nothing happens and to dance around a bonfire and reach a fellow priest
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and burn them. What he says Let' s see, man, I
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mean, you' re a guy, what to say if a man goes
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out into the country and finds some chicks in highballs dancing and the first thing
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you can think of, the best thing is to burn them the same way
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you don' t like chicks, you don' t mean maybe you prefer
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smaller people. I don' t know what' s gonna happen to you.
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That doesn' t happen anymore. That doesn' t happen anymore,
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but fuck all of a sudden you say joaige with sex. There' s
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like a problem. It makes me very nervous that priests talk to me about
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sex. I mean meat. I like that the butcher speaks to me,
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it' s good of buildings, the architect to fuck, so talk to
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me. I don' t know Nacho Vidal, my cousin speaking to me
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from the village, who knows a lot. I don' t know people,
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competent people, because I see the priests of the village. Dude,
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these guys are kind of fat with their noses red and red and so and
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so and I say jo, this kid' s grown up like any kid
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in a good- natured olive calahorra, throwing stones at him with lizards,
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playing his little things that one day he starts to find out no and you
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say fuck. I think God is talking to me and I' m going
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to start telling everyone what' s sin and not that I think it'
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s cool. Everyone hears as if you think you' re a goat I
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get hairy, I think it' s cool, but I' ve become
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a Catholic bride that can happen. And all of a sudden, that guy
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is confessing and she seems to tell him father how it is, well,
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well, here' s good, because I ate good things that tell me
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a little bit, what you do with you, with your husband. You
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say good, so normal. I don' t know a bit about posture.
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The missionary will know more or less what is a little bit of so
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four legs, a little bit above. I don' t know, by
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the way, I suck them very well, he says and he says ah
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yes, let' s say, because to God it seems fatal and to
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you, father, good. It makes me a little sick, too bad,
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but it makes me sick. But from now on, you' re
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taking that off and I' ll tell you one thing. I respect.
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It' s everyone who believes whatever they want, but like me, once
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in my life, because of a priest I lose a single blowjob I go
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with two bears and I blow them up. You' re good here and
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I' m good here, but no, the daughter says. It'
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s not that then, if you don' t believe in the spiritual,
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you fall into believing the miracles of the material. He' s right.
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There are times when we believe in material in a pathetic way. Last year,
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I' ll remember it as the sad year when we all started wanting
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to buy the power ballance bras to remember the balance bras. Someone' s
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still carrying that little push- button somewhere in his body. There' s
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no wow wow like that psychosis. You said fucking dude I fell out of
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your mind' cause you don' t have that pretty little brat I'
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m wearing. I mean, I haven' t seen a piece of plastic
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more overrated since the flavor condoms. Or you know, this miserable strategy of
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man, which is to invent flavor condoms, which is like look, you
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know strawberry in test, which is like miserable. Well, there' s
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something even more miserable that' s like it doesn' t have protein than
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that. There are horrible things, but then I didn' t really believe
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it. But deep down there' s a subject I' m iriber by
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last name. You know, it' s funny that in the Basque Country
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it was where most bracelets were sold from all over Spain. They sold themselves,
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like, pussy- speaking. The idea of Spain don' t buy
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it, but pushers have shoved it up the ass. Well, no,
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but no. Now I' m eribar that there was some part of me.
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I think I wanted the bra, Joe said, I like that,
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but of course, the other half is Andalusian. No, we are descendants
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of Phoenicians, Arabs and Gypsies. You come to me with a magic pusher
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of god or log, that trick, I know. You know, no,
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don' t fuck with me. I believe there is also an issue
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of education. You don' t have to be a little on the lookout
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for what' s going on. I don' t know how to be
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a bit critical, and I say that it belongs to a chunga generation that
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has grown up with totally wrong models, like Michael Jackson is worth it,
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or a guy who basically did everything the other way around. He was getting
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whiter instead of blacker, he had more and more dick voice instead of more
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serious, he liked smaller people more and more instead of bigger. And he
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says the father beat him, look, I' m sorry, but little
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hit him. Okay, I mean, he didn' t say much,
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but he' s glad you' re praising a joke about child abuse.
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Not really, it' s really pretty. I believe that this, in
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essence, as a conclusion of a monologue you will make it clear that,
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basically, we must be careful with alcoholism, with the Chinese, with the
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French, with insanity, with tetohypnosis, with the press girls, but above
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all with ourselves, with ourselves, that we are in great danger. Friend,
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Miguel Rivar, thank you very much. See you all the time.