Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / Ep. 115 | The Family Team Should Rely on the Children

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Ep. 115 | The Family Team Should Rely on the Children · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  What's up, 5-Minute Fatherhood listeners? Have you guys seen that Family Team's Weekend Live is officially open? You can register. You can claim your spot. A two-day event, Cincinnati, Ohio, October 18th and 19th this year. We're going to pack 250 couples in a Memorial Hall historic theater downtown where we're going to lean in, roll up our sleeves, and we're going to be able to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a
• 0:20
  and have a workshop about building a multi-generational family team on mission. You're going to get practical tips. You're going to get practical tools. You're going to leave with a family blueprint and manual. And officially, you're also going to be not alone and realize there's other people who want to do the same thing as you. We want you guys there. It's selling out fast. So make sure to go to familyteams.com slash weekend to register and claim your spot. And there's also a special little discount code. If you're part of our Facebook group, which you can find a link to that.
• 0:48
  in the info section on audio or the info section on the YouTube channel. So again, familyteams.com slash weekend. It's selling out fast. Claim your spot. We'd love to see you there. Let kids be kids means just like I want them to only absorb and take in stuff. I want them to consume and be entertained.
• 1:10
  Hey guys, welcome to the 5-Minute Fatherhood Podcast. I'm your co-host, Jeff Beth Key, along with my friend and mentor, Jeremy Pryor. Join us Monday through Friday as we chat about quick tips, skills, and ways to help equip you on your journey as a father to build your multi-generational family team on mission. Stay tuned.
• 1:32
  What's up, guys? Welcome to another 5-Minute Fatherhood with Jeff and Jeremy here. So, is there any area of your family's life where your family relies on your children? Where they actually know that they make a difference? That they know if they don't step up, then the family will suffer?
• 1:51
  This is an interesting idea, and it's one that I have various friends that have really intense ideas. If you want to get into the most intense version of this, then listen to my interview with Justin Wolfenberg on the Dad's Building Team podcast. He does this in a really powerful way. But I wanted to contrast this with a problem that is emerging in our culture that is being called, which I think is a brilliant phrase, snow plow parenting.
• 2:17
  So this is where a parent is trying to create the most, the trajectory, and they just clear all the obstacles out of the way so the child has almost, there's no way the child isn't going to go down this path. And so a lot of this has come up, this conversation has erupted around this scandal where parents are paying money for- Yeah, the college admission. To get their kids into elite schools. Yeah, the college admission.
• 2:42
  This is like the ultimate example of snowplow parenting. Now, look, there's a lot of areas where we do need to be like training our kids, really, really helping them get down a certain path. But should we be always in front of them, clearing out all the obstacles? And I think that one of the ways to be careful of this is that this actually can really hurt kids.
• 3:01
  I was recently listening to Adam Grant, a psychologist, and in his book, Plan B, he talked about how there are really three ways that we need to communicate to kids why they matter. He says that knowing if you matter really is dependent on do you notice me, do you care about me, and do you rely on me? And I really— That last one's awesome.
• 3:24
  Yeah, I think we get the first two. Do you notice me? Okay, we're spending time with our kids. We're showing up at their baseball games, you know, whatever. Like, we know how to do that. Do you care about me? Okay, like, so we can communicate that, their love language. We've talked about both those things a lot. But the third one is, do you rely on me? And this is the most counterintuitive question.
• 3:42
  I feel like element of what it means to feel like you matter. And a lot of times we don't realize that when you're a snowplow parent, one of the things you're subtly doing with your kids is you're saying, hey, look, I don't need you. In fact, I can not only get done everything I need to get done, but I can also be the snowplow in front of your path.
• 4:01
  And, and basically in this, in this way, your, your child just really begins to feel like they don't really matter. Like they don't really make a difference. And so there's all kinds of ways we can be communicating to our kids that, that they matter in the, in the area that we rely on them.
• 4:17
  Okay, this is one of the reasons why we really advocate for having your children as early as possible helping around the house, right? This is why it's really important and not a bad idea that when you have a larger family, having your older kids help their siblings, right? Because you're showing them, a lot of times we're like, ah, that's child labor. It's like, no, no, you're showing your child
• 4:35
  that they matter by relying on them, right? Having your child help in very practical ways with ways that your family's going about their mission. As soon as you can find ways that they can participate in that, we want to begin to rely on our kids, helping our kids actually step up in leadership roles in the home in various ways. So yeah, there's a lot of ways to do this. This can be done in very practical ways and in very big picture ways.
• 5:00
  But I think it's just one of the things we wanted in this segment is just talk about, it's really important that you see this as a value, that you want your kids to feel like they matter by being relied upon. But Jeff, how have you guys thought about this?
• 5:13
  Yeah, I think the paradox is really funny in culture, right? Where we believe it's actually doing our kids a service and that we're helping them by making them not have a hard life or making them taking away all the obstacles or making them just be able to, you know, let kids be kids. Let them only, which essentially, by the way, which I'm actually fine with that phrase, but I'm not fine with that phrase with what it usually means. What that usually means is so they only have time to be entertained and consume.
• 5:37
  Like that's, that's different. I don't, I'm not okay with that. Right. Cause that's really what that means. Let kids be kids means just like, I want them to only absorb and take in stuff. I want them to consume and be entertained. So I don't actually agree with that. One thing I'll say though, is the paradox though is really interesting because we think that's us. We're doing a kids a service there, but there's no adult in the world that actually loves being in a workplace and being unneeded. Right. That's literally actually like one of the most detrimental things to a lot of our identities. Now there's some level there that's actually like identity, you know, workaholism, et cetera, that needs to be messed around with.
• 6:06
  But on a fundamental level, I do believe we are called vocationally as image bearers to work, to create, to cultivate, to bring order and beauty out of chaos. And so yeah, what adult do we know? Like that's one of the most detrimental things you can have in a workplace is if you feel like, oh, I'm not even needed here. Like this can all happen. This can all go. This can all do its thing. And this can all totally still spin into existence and be successful if I just left. Or another way is when people say, would anyone even notice if I left?
• 6:32
  Right. That's super detrimental to an adult. But yet that's actually what we're trying to give our kids. So it's like, why do we think it's detrimental to us? But let's give it to our children. So that needs to be actually heated and understood that we're that the best thing you can do is grow them, stretch them, create grit in them. But then on top of that, give them meaning, give them purpose, give them story.
• 6:52
  If you're giving meaning and you're giving story, which, and, and also kind of calling someone, if you, anytime someone's needed, they're immediately inherently called out of their individuality, right? That this is bigger than just you. This is a collective effort. This is a team effort. This is a, uh, you know, a big thing. And so that's really what this is about is you're calling them out of themselves into something greater. And that is actually the magic of every human spirit. When a human spirit gets that, when they feel like they're being called out of something else into something greater, uh,
• 7:19
  That is when they come alive. That is when they have purpose. That is when they have meaning. So understand that the things we think we're doing a service for to our kids with the snowplow parenting at the most fundamental level is actually the biggest disservice. And so assess that, think of that, look at that, and then make sure you're setting your kids up for success in the more biblical model of what success is.
• 7:42
  Hey guys, if you like this short content on 5-Minute Fatherhood, then you're going to love long-form interviews that Jeremy and I do with other dads just like you over at Dads Building Teams. We go much more in-depth hearing the stories, challenges, and journeys of different dads who are trying to build multi-generational teams on mission. Just go to whatever podcast platform you use and search for Dads Building Teams.