Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 26 - Retired Crashout Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 26 - Retired Crashout Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

0:00
unknown: I'm a live.
0:01
unknown: I live like it, yes.
0:03
unknown: I'ma live like it.
0:06
unknown: I'ma live like it.
0:08
SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess so we might as well talk about it.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: Might as well talk about it.
0:17
SPEAKER_00: What's good, y'all?
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
0:33
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0:38
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0:46
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0:54
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1:00
SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing being a retired crash out.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: I have my own opinion on what I believe a crash out actually is.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: And regardless if that's different from what is out there culturally and my beliefs, it is not something to be glorified.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: This is something to um just talk about and discuss because it was a part of my life at one point.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: But before we do, you know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: So if you are listening, say something out loud that you are grateful for.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: Today I'm grateful for feeling safe.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: So much going on out there, so many dangers, so many uncontrollable factors.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: It is very important to have a place, have people, have spaces where I feel safe.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: And although there is a lot that is outside of our control, in this moment I recognize that I am safe, I am healthy, I am present, and that is not something that I take for granted because I spend a lot of time feeling terrified of my environments, feeling terrified that something was going to happen.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: So I recognize the safety that I'm experiencing now, and I am very grateful.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: But all right, let's get into it.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Because being a retired crash out be happening.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: So, like I was saying, I feel there is this cultural belief that crash outs are just like hotheads, violent, you know, causing a lot of turmoil and destruction.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: And although that can be part of it, I think that it is a lot more than just being violent or angry or unreasonable.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: Like I truly believe that being a crash out is someone who lets their emotions dictate their actions, uh, whether that is in violence or that is in sadness or that's just a large expression of negative emotions.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: And I say negative in quotes because I mean that could be something that is like sad or frustrated.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be on the anger destruction side of the emotion spectrum.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: If we want to get like technical and like therapy terms, it's more so when your distress tolerance is at its max and you just can't think logically, and your emotions have completely taken over, and you can't like talk yourself or like think yourself or walk yourself off the ledge from having these very high emotional responses.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: That to me is a crash out.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: That is what I was experiencing for a very long time before I got my emotional and my rational brain to be more balanced out.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: So, what that looked like was especially in college when I'm at the uh peak.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: Well, maybe that wasn't the peak, but it was a very big part of my drinking, my depression, my reactions from being depressed and hurt and having these suppressed emotions, and I'm fueling it with alcohol.
4:21
SPEAKER_00: That's really when it came up.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: Um, there were times where I was just very self-destructive.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: I was isolating, I was reactionary, volatile.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: It wasn't anything uh glamorized or anything to be proud of, unfortunately.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: But also there were times where it's like I'm ready to crash out, especially in basketball.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: There are a lot of situations.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: I actually had a ref tell me at one of the last games that I played in that she's like, Wow, you really calmed down.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't think I was that bad.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: I still don't think I was that bad.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: But you know, if that's how she experienced me, then maybe I was a little more of a hothead than I saw.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: But I can distinctively remember just a few situations where I like lost my cool and they were warranted because people were trying me.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: So it's not like I just was like that, like I had to be pushed to be reactionary.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: But to simplify, for the sake of the conversation, to me, crashing out is essentially being triggered, and your response is not, it doesn't fit the situation, like it can be over the top.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, usually the situation can be resolved with like a conversation, but you are just reacting, and there's usually a consequence to those reactions and those responses.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: With time, my crashing out kind of went from being like an outward crash out where I'm crying, or maybe I'm I don't know, like lashing out to turning inward to where I am like self-imploding and shutting down and walking out because I don't want to go back to the old crashing out.
6:17
SPEAKER_00: So even though the more inward-facing crashing out was better on the surface because I wasn't causing any issues on the outside, neither one of those were good.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: They were both harmful in different ways.
6:32
SPEAKER_00: And to be clear, not all big responses are crash outs.
6:37
SPEAKER_00: Some big responses are warranted.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: A deep hurt and pain, a grief, a loss, a death, something like that really rocks your world, you're probably gonna have a big response.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: If someone says something you don't like, you're probably not gonna react the same to where you would if you were experiencing something traumatic.
7:02
SPEAKER_00: But there's a reason why we tend to, in these crash-out moments, maybe go to the extreme.
7:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, it all has to do with your window of tolerance, which we will touch on.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I have done a lot of growth, I have done a lot of therapy, I have done a lot of emotional regulation and developing tools to help me get through difficult moments, conversations, when triggers come up.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: I have ways that I can cope.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and that is what's serving me today.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: However, I am retired, a retired crash out for a reason.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: That was not always the case.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: There was one time in high school, I played Powder Puff.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: I played Powder Puff both my junior and senior year.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: Allegedly, there is a curse on the senior Powder Puff team.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: They always lose to the juniors.
7:59
SPEAKER_00: I didn't believe it.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: We beat the seniors my junior year, so my senior year, I'm like, we about to win.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: And somehow we lose to the juniors.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: So I'm the team captain.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: After the game, the seniors are devastated.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm trying to hold it together because, you know, I'm like a significant player.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: Like I am just trying to hold together because I'm the captain, right?
8:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't know why we took that so hard.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: You would have thought we lost the state championship, but we would we was hurting because we lost that powder puff game.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: And the captain of the junior team was this guy that I was cool with, but he, oh man, he came over.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: So we were on the other side of the football field in the bleachers, and I'm trying to, you know, console everybody, like it's cool, trying to pack it up, get out of there, right?
8:53
SPEAKER_00: He comes to the bottom of the stands, and he is popping it, talking shit, like yelling to the whole, all of us, right?
9:03
SPEAKER_00: And I feel myself, my heat is rising.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: And I remember this girl that I was cool with, she was real like calm, like a cool ass.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: I bet you a cool ass like woman today.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: And I'm trying to let it go.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: He's still talking, he's still talking.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: And then it hits a point.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: And I said, excuse me, because I need to get past her to get to the stairs to get to the bottom.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: And I say it very calm.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Oh, sure, here you go.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: And then she sees me beeling into this man, and she was like, Somebody, get her, because I'm I'm coming for him.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I was so angry.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: I think it, you know, I'm 17 and everything just hits me really hard, but I'm going straight to him.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: Mind you, this is the homie.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm cool with him in real life.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: We got a class together, but today he was a bitch off the street and he was finna feel what I had coming for him.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: So I'm making my way to him, and one of my teachers, he is he is a significant teacher at the school.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: People have mixed feelings about this man.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: I didn't really have any engagement with him, but I uh so he gets in front of me and he's like, now you need to calm down because you don't want to get any more trouble.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: You could this could affect your graduation and it could even affect your scholarship.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: Context.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: I shared this story on my Patreon, but in short, I had a scholarship to Santa Barbara that did not pan out, it was a very traumatic situation.
10:42
SPEAKER_00: Then I got a scholarship to the school that I wound up going to.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: And when I got that scholarship, hearing this man say that somehow he was gonna take my scholarship, or maybe he was trying to like tell me, like, you don't want to do anything that can affect him.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: But to me, he was like, We finna take your scholarship.
11:03
SPEAKER_00: That's how I heard it in that second.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: It was very quick.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: And my response to him, it was not warranted.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: I threatened him.
11:16
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if he heard it.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: Um, somehow I kind of blank out after that.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: But I get away from him, get away from the dude.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, we wound up talking.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: Me and the my friend, who was the one talking shit, like, bro, I was going to whoop your ass.
11:33
SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Yeah, my bad.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: I was just amped up.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: But I was so angry and just ready to go all the way.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: Because the thing is, and I've always been this way, like, I can tolerate a lot.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's not necessarily true, but I will let a lot pass.
11:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm a lot better at it now, to where I will interject and be like, hey, I'm not cool with that.
12:01
SPEAKER_00: You need to chill, setting the boundaries.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: But essentially, I will let a lot happen before I respond.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: But by the time I respond, you got all this that you done compiled that I'm holding in.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: So now when my I respond, it's up here.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: And I had to learn that, like, that's not the healthiest option because I should be able to one, release some of that pressure, but two, it doesn't have to get here.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you would have set the boundary early on, then we might not even have to get up to here and it could be resolved before that.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, threat that man's life was gonna put hands on old boy, which I'm cool with him today.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: I wonder if he remembers.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: I'ma ask him to.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: He probably definitely does because he had a little fear in his eye when he seen me coming for him.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: But that was just high school, college.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: I mean, how many situations with my ex?
13:00
SPEAKER_00: That whole situation was a crash out in general.
13:03
SPEAKER_00: But there was one situation.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: I saw a tweet from somebody, and I walked a mile and a half at like 11 o'clock at night to their house to confront them, and I'm right here, didn't do nothing, didn't touch them, didn't even yell.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, you disrespect me, mind you, was completely in the wrong.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: She was, but you know, I didn't have to pull up on her with that much sting, but I I was pissed.
13:32
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, you this is what we own.
13:36
SPEAKER_00: And then she got to playing, like, she don't know what I'm talking about.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: Uh that just resulted in me walking all the way back to my house and getting drunk.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: Yikes.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: But like even in basketball, there was a time I spent so many years trying to find this footage because it was caught on the jumbotron.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: But we were playing this one school, and this girl kept like elbowing me, just being real dirty, right?
14:03
SPEAKER_00: She couldn't handle me, which is why she was playing dirty because she was trash.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: And she we got into like a tie-up, and they finally caught the foul on her, right?
14:18
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, thank you to the ref.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: And she says something like she said something like, bitch, y'all, something.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: And that's all I needed.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: So I turned to her, and you know, I responded, and um, teammates had to interfere.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: They played it back on the Jumbotron, they slowed it down, and I'm in her face, like in slow motion.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, fortunately, my mother wasn't there, she couldn't see the Jumbotron footage.
14:52
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I tried to find it because like it wasn't my fault.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: In all these cases, it's not my fault.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: So at least I'm not crashing out just off the jump.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: Like, people have to get me there, but it still doesn't make it okay.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: Now I understand these are all very different situations and like triggers that cause these crash outs per se, but I remember the physical and emotional feeling for all of them was all the same.
15:22
SPEAKER_00: I went from trying to be cool, trying to be cool.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: It feels like someone's shaking up like a soda bottle, and you feel that pressure rising and rising and rising and rising, and then it pops.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: And when it pops, it's not necessarily like I'm exploding immediately because even within my explosion, there is still some control.
15:43
SPEAKER_00: I didn't put my hands on nobody in these situations, and dare I say, I might have been within my right to put my hands on all of them, and I didn't.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: So even within the crash, I'm still having a little of smidgey widgy of control.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: But I go from holding it, holding it, holding it, getting to the point where it's like, okay, now I don't care what happens.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Now we just gonna take it as far as we need to take it.
16:12
SPEAKER_00: And honestly, after all of them, there's like a bit of guilt that I feel because that's not really how I am every day, especially today.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Like it's gonna take a lot to get me to that point today.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: And I've learned because I've had to deal with people on the internet, and it's like I'm not even gonna deal with that because where I want to take it, where I will take it, is not where you're trying to take it.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: So I don't even get to that point because most people are all bark, no bite, and I will bite, and I don't want to bite, so I just feel really like why'd I let them get me to that point, you know?
16:55
SPEAKER_00: So today it has to be very extreme to get me to that point.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: I remember only one situation that kind of got me there, but not even.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: Like I felt like my character was attacked, and I was just really heated, but I didn't crash out, you know, like that was a warranted response for the situation.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I don't even like crash out no more, but I still feel sometimes the urges to do so, and I don't act on them because again, I'm that's not in alignment with who I am today, and it's not worth it.
17:30
SPEAKER_00: When I was more volatile in my 20s and my teens, people learn to kind of fear aspects of me, like they didn't want me to get to a certain place, but then if I am like drinking, we don't know if I'm gonna get there.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: If I am dealing with a certain person, we don't know if I'm gonna get there.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: And today, the people that I deal with don't have to worry about that.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: Like my wife doesn't have to worry that I'm gonna explode like maybe my ex did, but that was just very volatile in general, like it was tumultuous, and so I'm very grateful that I'm not that person anymore because it was fueled by so much hurt and pain, and that's usually what's under anger is pain.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: So I'm very grateful to be past that.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Um, because it just eats away at you, and I recognize a lot of it is trauma, some of it is generational, some of it you learn from growing up and seeing how people respond, and some of it is just your own shit and things that you have to work through because that's how you learn to respond to things.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: Regardless, it's all your responsibility, especially if you're an adult, and it's up to you to correct these behaviors because it's not acceptable.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: And I definitely had to learn that with age, like I recognize one, I'm not drinking anymore, but also as you get older, you can't behave the same way at 32 that you did at 22.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not cool.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: And even before I got to this age, I knew that's not what I wanted to do.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: I didn't like who I was when I was this person who had less tools to deal with emotional distress.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: So I knew I needed to develop more tools in my toolbox before I even got to being sober, but it takes a lot of work to get there, and I did not do it alone.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: So, what was it that actually changed?
19:50
SPEAKER_00: What helped me get to this more regulated, balanced person that you see before you?
19:59
SPEAKER_00: Therapy.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: My therapist, the therapist that I had for years, has gotten me through so many things, has helped me learn so much about myself, has provided so many tools for me, and deconstructed unconscious beliefs.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: We've broken down different traumas and trauma responses and identified triggers.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: That is the main thing.
20:26
SPEAKER_00: Identifying triggers because crashing out is a trigger.
20:31
SPEAKER_00: You've been triggered, so you're responding.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: Identifying those triggers, finding more tools to deal with those triggers when they come up, and understanding the incorrect belief about yourself when those triggers arise, game changer, game changer.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: Because when I was responding before, I was responding to something that wasn't even true.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: Like I would feel attacked at like my core, and it's like this person might not be attacking you, they're just expressing how they feel about something that you did, and that's okay.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: It's not like you're a terrible person all around, they just didn't like what you did, so you could correct it.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: So identifying and determining which of it is the case, it was like, oh, okay.
21:27
SPEAKER_00: So now you don't have as much fuel and anger behind it.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: And even today, if I do feel like my character is attacked or it's more like a personal attack, I'm not responding how I was before.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Now, am I gonna be upset?
21:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: Are they going to know I'm upset?
21:44
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: But now I have things like boundaries, and I'm able to communicate when those boundaries have been crossed or when there are consequences for crossing those boundaries now.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: It's not just all rah rah and like yelling or tears or.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Walking away, it's much more regulated.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: And that came specifically from my therapist and through therapy, therapy groups, talking.
22:10
SPEAKER_00: I've mentioned it before, but the window of tolerance.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: Now, the window of tolerance is just that it's a window or a your capacity for how much you can tolerate.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: And think of it like actually like a window.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: And in this window, this is your window of tolerance.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: In it, when you're within it, you're regulated, you're grounded, you are like smooth, you're not reacting largely or like out of control.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: But then on the bottom is what they call hypo arousal, and that's when you shut down, you are depressed, you are freezing, you feel the shame, and then there's the hyper when you are crashing out, essentially, when you are the outward fight or flight, yelling, screaming, angry.
23:06
SPEAKER_00: That's where that is.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: And what happens is when you gain more tools, when you have a better understanding, your window of where you can be regulated expands.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Because you're gonna have moments where you are hyper and you're gonna have moments when you're hypo.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: You can't do that.
23:23
SPEAKER_00: That's just the emotional human response to things.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: Like you're gonna be in fight or flight, you're gonna be depressed eventually.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: But if you widen your window, you can handle a lot more before you get to either one of these points.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: So I went from being someone that was hyper, like ready to fight or flight, to shutting down.
23:46
SPEAKER_00: So as I gained more tools, as I talked through it, as I identified my triggers and my traumas and my unconscious beliefs, my window expanded so that I can handle more before I get to either one of these points.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: And that's the beauty of therapy, because it helps you.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: It's not to say you'll never get to these places again, but you won't get to them as much because your tolerance is increased and you can handle more.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: Of course, I have to give credit to my recovery, not only with the tools that I learned from recovery, but the clarity that recovery brings.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: When you are constantly leaning on one thing as your go-to solution for anything, whether that's good, bad, or in between, you don't even stop to try to develop new tools to handle things.
24:40
SPEAKER_00: So if you are angry and you turn to alcohol, that is literally adding fuel to a fire.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: So now that you remove the fuel, when you're hyped up and you're on fire and you're aggravated, frustrated, triggered, you have to sit in those emotions now.
25:03
SPEAKER_00: And the more you sit in it and you combine that with your tools that you develop in recovery, in therapy, the more you're able to self-regulate.
25:14
SPEAKER_00: And even if you have these tools while you're drinking, the chemical response that alcohol has with your brain, it doesn't give you, it doesn't give your brain the opportunity to function as clearly as it would if you weren't drinking.
25:31
SPEAKER_00: So my recovery has been essential coupled with the therapy.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: And using my tools, practicing my tools, and practicing my skills are something that I still do every day.
25:45
SPEAKER_00: Because every day there's some sort of trigger, stressor, something frustrates you or gets an emotional response from you.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: But a skill is just that.
25:59
SPEAKER_00: So if you are not practicing these skills, when you get in these situations, you're not going to be able to recall them as automatically as someone who has been doing it for years at this point, and you're gonna just continue to crash out.
26:14
SPEAKER_00: Crashing out doesn't really serve anyone.
26:17
SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, you might get what you want in the moment, but it's also teaching people that you can't be someone who can be trusted in a sense of like coming to them with certain things, like you're seen as someone who is like uh unemotionally regulated, and if you like being like that, cool, but that doesn't really serve you long term, and that's really what I had to understand about myself, which is why I'm like, I don't want to be this person forever.
26:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't like being that person, I don't like even getting to that side, and I know that there's a lot of pain that I'm trying to drink my way through and be strong through, but I have to do something about this, and so that's what started my healing journey, which started my recovery journey, which has ultimately gotten me to this point.
27:11
SPEAKER_00: As I've matured and grown and practiced my tools and my skills, it shifts my thinking from what I used to think when I used to crash out.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: They say hurt people, hurt people.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: And I was one of those people.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: If you hurt me, I was going to hurt you bad emotionally.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: And now it's like one, I don't want to stoop to anyone's level, so I'm not gonna try and hurt you, even though sometimes sometimes it'd be tapping on me like we could get them back.
27:52
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't serve me, that's really not aligned with who I am, and I really feel like the way you move through the world is the energy that you receive back.
28:03
SPEAKER_00: If you are out there trying to hurt people and cause emotional distress just because you're hurt, you're always gonna get that hurt energy back, and then you're just gonna be stuck in this cycle.
28:15
SPEAKER_00: So now it becomes less about, I need y'all to feel what I feel, to oh, now you lose access to me or something about me, or now we have to adjust the relationship because I can't put you in a position to where you can do this again to me because the next time is like a cutoff.
28:34
SPEAKER_00: So it becomes less about them and more about protecting me.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: Touching back on sometimes I still feel these urges to like be petty, but I don't act on it.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: That's what being retired is, you know?
28:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, just because you retire from something doesn't mean now you don't know how to do it, you don't go back to like what's familiar.
28:58
SPEAKER_00: I spent a lot of my life acting in that way as a way to protect myself.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: I also saw people in my family and my closed circle respond that way.
29:08
SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, this is how you protect yourself, this is how you don't let people penetrate that layer of you that can really do some damage.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: Or if it does, you at least have to show to them like that they didn't.
29:23
SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes I'm only human, sometimes my feelings get hurt.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: I get to a place where it's like I want to get you back because you hurt me so deeply.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: But that's why developing that pause, which is a school a tool and a skill, taking a moment to take it in and understand what that trigger actually is instead of the one that is just like immediate that you might be able to identify, like it usually triggers something deeper.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: So taking a moment to identify the trigger, sit with the feeling, give it some time to process before just responding has served me well.
30:07
SPEAKER_00: And so once I actually get to a point of responding, it's not from a place of pettiness, it's really just from a place of a healed boundary that's being set.
30:18
SPEAKER_00: You know, the black and brown community, I feel we have been told we either have to suppress how we're feeling and swallow what we're feeling and just deal with it, or we need to explode and not let people play with us.
30:33
SPEAKER_00: We were never taught like there can be a middle ground.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: We were never taught to be regulated.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, well, fortunately, there is no longer so much of a stigma with therapy and getting help.
30:48
SPEAKER_00: But before there was a very big stigma of therapy and mental health and just being regulated, it was like for whatever reason that couldn't possibly be for us, it can only be for the thems of the world, as if we don't go through shit too.
31:08
SPEAKER_00: But fortunately, that is not the case.
31:11
SPEAKER_00: A lot of people in my community are in therapy, a lot of people are getting sober, a lot of people are moving away from alcohol in general, which is amazing, and doing a lot of healing of childhood wounds and identifying traumas and leaning on community.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: And I really love to see that.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, previous generations did not have that, but even being the generation that I'm in, I see previous generations being inspired by our generation and generations after me.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: And so it's really amazing, but it's an unworking and an unlearning of what we grew up and we knew.
31:57
SPEAKER_00: So it's work, it's gonna take time, and there's gonna be moments where we try to revert back to old patterns and old beliefs and responses.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: But that's why it's important that you practice these skills and you practice using these tools because unfortunately, the stressors, the triggers, the traumas, people pissing you off, people testing your gangsta is never gonna stop.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: And so, how are you going to respond when that comes up?
32:24
SPEAKER_00: Believe it or not, there are people who benefit from you being a crashout.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: There are people who benefit from you being the person who is the volatile one.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: It makes them not have to look at themselves and take accountability for themselves.
32:38
SPEAKER_00: So if they just dump it all on you, you respond, now you become the problem.
32:42
SPEAKER_00: They don't have to fix anything about themselves.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: That's the only people that this is serving.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: Being a crashout today, as you get older, does not serve you.
32:51
SPEAKER_00: And it's not cute.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how we got to a place where being a crash out has been something that is liked, like a characteristic.
33:04
SPEAKER_00: I have actually myself been like called myself a retired crash out, like as a characteristic, but that really isn't something to be proud of.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: Like the fact that you are crashing out.
33:19
SPEAKER_00: We need to be more regulated.
33:21
SPEAKER_00: We owe it to ourselves to handle things in a less volatile way.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: And we owe it to ourselves to not be so disturbed that everything sends us over the top in our response.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: That's just a lot of turmoil and stress and sadness that we're holding.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: That's what that is.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: It's a reaction.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: You're that shaken up bottle.
33:44
SPEAKER_00: Every time you crash out, that just means you still shook up in there, girl.
33:49
SPEAKER_00: So get you some help, get you some therapy, get you some support.
33:52
SPEAKER_00: Because that's eaten away at you.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: And you know it underneath it all.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: You don't want to really feel like this.
33:59
SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, you're trying to protect yourself, which is why you are coming off as aggression, but that's really hurting you still, and it's not making you feel any better on the inside.
34:13
SPEAKER_00: And that was one thing that I had to learn about myself.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: And you know, unfortunately, not all the relationships from my crash-out era survived.
34:24
SPEAKER_00: A lot of the people who saw me during that time are not here to see me during this time.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: A lot of people are not here to see the regulated sober version of me, and they will forever probably know me as this emotional, drinking person from the past.
34:46
SPEAKER_00: But there are people who have survived and are still by my side, and I've touched on it a lot.
34:54
SPEAKER_00: You know, the people in my life know me as someone completely different from who I was 10 years ago, five years ago.
35:02
SPEAKER_00: And I'm really grateful to have these people here.
35:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm not done growing, there's still a lot more to grow through, and I'm just very fortunate to be doing it from this new perspective, this new standpoint of sobriety and having a foundation of therapy.
35:23
SPEAKER_00: Because when I was doing it the other way, there was a lot more tears, a lot more triggers, a lot more crash outs, and that didn't serve anyone.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: Today, who I am, there will always be that piece of me that is hurt and is like hurting back, but that never comes out.
35:46
SPEAKER_00: I never want to be that person.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: So how I handle conflict today is much different than how I handle conflict in the past.
35:55
SPEAKER_00: If I were to be in any of those situations again with like the powder puff game, I'm not paying him no mind.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: Because at the end of the day, what are we upset about?
36:03
SPEAKER_00: This is a football game at a high school that is literally only important to the people on this field, but it has no meaning, you know?
36:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, it sucks, but I'm not finna beat your ass over it, you know?
36:16
SPEAKER_00: Or the situation with my ex-like I have more boundaries now that we would have been done right then and there.
36:24
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, that was not the case.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: We kept going through it, but like it's not worth it.
36:29
SPEAKER_00: And basketball, I can't say that I would have responded different because that's a little physical.
36:35
SPEAKER_00: Like, you actually trying to hurt me, I don't know, but that's why we are retired and not recovered, you know?
36:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, we ain't done working.
36:44
SPEAKER_00: But handling conflicts today, I'm not yelling, I'm not raising my voice, it's not getting worked up, I'm not cussing, I'm not throwing digs, like I'm really expressing hey, this is the situation, this is how it bothers me, how it affects me, this is what I need moving forward.
37:06
SPEAKER_00: How do we go from here?
37:08
SPEAKER_00: And then, based on the response of that, maybe there's boundary setting, maybe there's correction, maybe there's something that I did on my part.
37:14
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm open to it all, but I'm not trying to like make my emotions lead the conversation.
37:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to get to the bottom of this so we can move forward because I ain't got time.
37:26
SPEAKER_00: It's enough on my plate.
37:27
SPEAKER_00: I don't have time to add anything else to it.
37:30
SPEAKER_00: So let's resolve this so we can move forward better and in a regulated, calm way.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: Boundaries has absolutely, absolutely replaced my crash outs where I used to flip or cry or yell, I don't know.
37:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm on the boundary.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, okay, that's what we're doing.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: Well, this is what we have to do now because I can't, I can't let you get me to the point where I'm going to crash out.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: So now I gotta put something in place so that we don't even take it there.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: Cause nobody wants that, including me.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: So to all my people who are quick to crash out, quick to respond in an emotional, volatile, angry, sad, frustrated manner.
38:23
SPEAKER_00: I feel for you.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: I feel for you.
38:26
SPEAKER_00: Um, it's not easy being a person who feels things so deeply, but also there is work that you can be doing on your part.
38:36
SPEAKER_00: Get into therapy.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm probably gonna say this every episode, but therapy will help you.
38:43
SPEAKER_00: There is no shame in getting help or getting support or leaning on community, talking about your problems.
38:51
SPEAKER_00: You are a human being going through shit.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: You have been going through things since before you were born.
38:56
SPEAKER_00: It's generational.
38:58
SPEAKER_00: So get some therapy.
39:00
SPEAKER_00: You don't have all the tools to deal with these things.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: So, how are you going to fix them on your own?
39:08
SPEAKER_00: It's like trying to build a house, and all you got is a hammer.
39:12
SPEAKER_00: You don't have all the tools to get to where you're going.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: So, therapy helps get you those tools so that you can get to where you want to go in a calmer, smoother, more regulated fashion that serves you and your highest good.
39:28
SPEAKER_00: They will help identify those triggers, which will identify those unconscious beliefs, and they will help you move through that so that when you get triggered, it won't be as explosive.
39:39
SPEAKER_00: They will give you different ways to cope, different ways to respond.
39:44
SPEAKER_00: Just change the game on all of your crash outs.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: They will teach you boundaries, they will teach you things about yourself.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: Like it's just a one-stop shop to really resolve in this.
39:56
SPEAKER_00: I cannot stress it enough.
39:58
SPEAKER_00: Get a therapist.
40:00
SPEAKER_00: I also understand therapy costs money.
40:03
SPEAKER_00: I I get that.
40:05
SPEAKER_00: I I understand.
40:07
SPEAKER_00: So at least find somebody who will not enable the destructive behavior, but will call you out on your shit, will help you to be like, you know what, you was wrong.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: Because at least that starts the thought process of like, you know, I need to go about this differently.
40:26
SPEAKER_00: I need to handle this in a more healthy way.
40:29
SPEAKER_00: And that can help plant the seed to getting you on the track of recovery.
40:34
SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, it is a recovery and a healing journey.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: Crashing out isn't something that is like a good thing.
40:41
SPEAKER_00: And look, if you get to a place where you are healing, you're crashing out less, and you might have a slip-up or a little relapse where you crash out every now and then, you're healing, you're in recovery.
40:55
SPEAKER_00: There are going to be moments of lapse.
40:59
SPEAKER_00: There's going to be moments where you have slip-ups.
41:01
SPEAKER_00: Take it easy on yourself.
41:03
SPEAKER_00: Don't beat yourself up, but identify like this was a lapse and correct it moving forward.
41:09
SPEAKER_00: Don't revert back into old ways.
41:11
SPEAKER_00: We are moving away from the crash out.
41:13
SPEAKER_00: We are retiring the crash out.
41:16
SPEAKER_00: That does not serve us.
41:17
SPEAKER_00: So if you run into a moment where it's like, damn, crashed out, that's all right.
41:24
SPEAKER_00: Move forward.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: Don't let it happen again.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: The world today is full of unregulated emotions.
41:31
SPEAKER_00: You owe it to yourself to be someone who is calm.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: Be calm for yourself.
41:36
SPEAKER_00: Be calm for your nervous system and for your soul.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: That being amped up all the time, that's a lot to handle when you got enough people in the world already doing that for you.
41:51
SPEAKER_00: So if for nothing else, retire the crash out for you.
41:55
SPEAKER_00: Get the help you need and live a much more calm, peaceful life.
42:02
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: You know what time it is.
42:04
SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: If you want your submission read during this segment, visit the tiny URL link, submit your information there for a chance to have it read during one of these episodes.
42:17
SPEAKER_00: Nobody, nobody told me my back was big.
42:22
SPEAKER_00: I didn't realize until I got high the other night and looked at myself in the mirror.
42:27
SPEAKER_00: Dog, I'm fat.
42:29
SPEAKER_00: There's no denying it.
42:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm not looking for pep talk.
42:34
SPEAKER_00: I actually do love myself a lot.
42:37
SPEAKER_00: I need to unbig my back.
42:40
SPEAKER_00: You always talk about how you lost weight and got in the gym and stuff.
42:44
SPEAKER_00: Help me because I can't believe I did this to myself.
42:48
SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
42:50
SPEAKER_00: Felt.
42:51
SPEAKER_00: Felt.
42:52
SPEAKER_00: I that kind of hit me too.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm like, bro, you're big as shit.
43:00
SPEAKER_00: You have to do something about this.
43:01
SPEAKER_00: This is not okay.
43:03
SPEAKER_00: Actually, before I even recognized, like, whoa, this has gotten out of hand.
43:08
SPEAKER_00: I just knew how I felt inside and the actions that I was doing because I didn't feel well.
43:16
SPEAKER_00: I didn't like that.
43:17
SPEAKER_00: And then I had a moment where I was like, I was looking at a picture.
43:20
SPEAKER_00: I don't even think I was looking at like myself in the mirror.
43:23
SPEAKER_00: I was looking at a picture after the fact.
43:26
SPEAKER_00: I still wasn't like where I am today, but I wasn't where I was, you know?
43:34
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, God damn, I need to do something about this.
43:39
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not gonna give you advice on nutrition and working out because everybody's different, everybody's body types are different.
43:48
SPEAKER_00: What I do for my body might not work for your body.
43:51
SPEAKER_00: The goals that I have for myself might not be the goals that you have for yourself.
43:55
SPEAKER_00: So I would say identify what it is that you want.
43:59
SPEAKER_00: Do you want To lose fat, do you want to get in shape?
44:03
SPEAKER_00: Do you want to gain muscle?
44:04
SPEAKER_00: Do you want to do all three?
44:06
SPEAKER_00: Do you just want to move your body?
44:08
SPEAKER_00: What is it that you want?
44:09
SPEAKER_00: Once you identify what you want, reach out to professionals or do your research or speak to a nutritionist, speak to someone who can understand your body type and your goals and give you the steps to do that.
44:23
SPEAKER_00: That's literally what I had to do.
44:25
SPEAKER_00: I did my research, I had to figure out what it is that I want, and I had to go from there.
44:32
SPEAKER_00: But one thing I can say, just as a start, you're not gonna get that back on big if you keep shoveling cheesy, meaty, greasy, fried, sugary foods into your mouth at an abundance.
44:53
SPEAKER_00: You know, you're gonna have to make some changes to your diet.
44:58
SPEAKER_00: That is a fact.
45:00
SPEAKER_00: Like you cannot continue to eat however you have been eating.
45:05
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if this has been the case, but I know increasing your nutrition with healthier foods, fiber, protein, depending on, well, the amount of protein depending on what your goals are, you're gonna have to make that change.
45:22
SPEAKER_00: Um, and you're gonna have to move more.
45:24
SPEAKER_00: Eat less of the shitty foods, move your body more.
45:27
SPEAKER_00: I know that for a fact, whatever it is you're trying to do.
45:31
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, identify what it is you want to do, your ultimate goal, speak to someone who can help you get there, and then stay the course.
45:40
SPEAKER_00: That is the only way that back gets smaller.
45:43
SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, the back shall be big.
45:47
SPEAKER_00: I'm wishing you luck, cause uh I understand.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: I understand.
45:54
SPEAKER_00: Good luck.
45:55
SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
45:56
SPEAKER_00: That is it for today's episode.
45:58
SPEAKER_00: Episode 26.
46:01
SPEAKER_00: I cannot believe it.
46:02
SPEAKER_00: This is officially the halfway mark to our first year of the podcast.
46:10
SPEAKER_00: That is crazy.
46:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, wow, it just came so quick.
46:16
SPEAKER_00: I am very, very grateful and proud and extremely happy to see that this is still standing and that it's growing and that it's helping because that's what this is about.
46:30
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, just thank you all.
46:34
SPEAKER_00: I can't say it enough.
46:35
SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure y'all are following us on the socials, hit in the email if you have any feedback or inquiries, visiting the tiny URL link for I Say This With Love Submissions, and following us on the Patreon for just seven dollars a month.
46:51
SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you.
46:52
SPEAKER_00: And as always, I'm RJ.
46:55
SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess Podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.