Latest / The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson / Bagel, Are You Happy? Reclaiming Your Joy

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Bagel, Are You Happy? Reclaiming Your Joy · The Humanistic Leader Podcast- Dr. Craig Nathanson

• 0:11
  When I was growing up, my grandmother used to ask me a very simple question. She called me Bagel.
• 0:18
  Every once in a while, she would look at me and say, Bagel, are you happy?
• 0:24
  It's funny how certain questions stay with us. I've spent a good part of my
• 0:28
  life studying work, leadership, careers, organizations, and what makes people feel fulfilled.
• 0:36
  I've written books about it. I've taught thousands of students about it.
• 0:40
  But maybe my grandmother had the whole thing figured out in four words.
• 0:45
  Bagel, are you happy? I've been thinking about that question lately.
• 0:50
  And I've been thinking about how much of our happiness we unknowingly placed
• 0:53
  in somebody else's hands.
• 0:56
  We wait for someone to appreciate us. We wait for the promotion.
• 0:59
  We wait for somebody to notice how hard we're working.
• 1:03
  We wait for our children to call.
• 1:05
  We wait for our spouse or partner to say exactly the thing we need to hear.
• 1:10
  We wait for the boss to recognize what we've contributed.
• 1:14
  We wait for somebody somewhere to confirm that we're doing okay.
• 1:19
  And there's nothing wrong with wanting those things. We're human.
• 1:23
  We need one another. But I've learned something over the years that I wish I
• 1:26
  had understood much earlier.
• 1:29
  Other people can add enormously to our happiness, for sure. But our happiness can't be their job.
• 1:36
  You know, one of the stories that come to mind happened when I was a young man
• 1:39
  working at a bank My job is processing checks all day long There must have been
• 1:45
  a hundred of us sitting in this like big room doing basically the same thing all day.
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  I'll explain it to you. You take a check from the stack. You enter the amount,
• 1:56
  of the check that it was written for. You'd push a few buttons.
• 1:59
  Then you take the next check, enter the amount, push a few buttons,
• 2:04
  next check, next check, next check, all day long.
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  And I was terrible at it. Absolutely terrible.
• 2:13
  Part of the problem was I found it incredibly boring. My hands were processing
• 2:17
  checks, but my mind was usually somewhere else.
• 2:20
  I'd think about my running. I'd think about where I wanted to go in my life.
• 2:27
  I'd imagine things I wanted to do. I'd think about my future.
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  I'd think about who I might someday become.
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  My body was sitting at that machine in the bank, but my mind was usually miles away.
• 2:40
  And as you could probably imagine, entering numbers from checks into a machine
• 2:43
  is not something that you should do while you're imagining your future.
• 2:47
  So I made mistakes, lots of them And whenever I made a mistake,
• 2:52
  I couldn't just correct it myself I had to stop processing checks,
• 2:55
  go find my boss Get the mistake corrected, come back, sit down, and start again,
• 3:01
  Meanwhile, everybody else kept processing checks So I fell farther and farther behind,
• 3:08
  And management at this bank had come up with a wonderful motivational system
• 3:12
  They had a big, big board on the wall And on that board, they.
• 3:18
  Publicly ranked all of us according to how many checks we had processed.
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  Somebody might have 600. Somebody might have 500. Somebody else might have 400.
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  And then there was Craig, 54. There it was, right on the wall, Craig, 54.
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  I hated that board. One day I was talking to one of the maintenance guys,
• 3:41
  and I asked him whether there was any way to change the tracking meter inside the machine.
• 3:46
  He told me, of course, but I couldn't do that. But then he showed me how it worked.
• 3:52
  I remembered that. Because eventually I decided I was going to quit.
• 3:57
  And on the day I had decided to leave, everybody went to lunch. I stayed behind.
• 4:02
  And I opened up the machine, and I found that tracking meter,
• 4:05
  and I changed my number from 54 to 700.
• 4:11
  When everybody came back from lunch, there it was, 700. My boss had no choice.
• 4:16
  For the first time, she had to put my name at the very top of the board.
• 4:20
  Craig Nathanson, number one. I remember looking at it.
• 4:26
  I was so proud, and then I quit. You know, I can laugh about that story now, and I do.
• 4:33
  I laugh about it a lot. But there's something about that story that I didn't
• 4:37
  understand then The board was doing exactly what it was designed to do It was
• 4:41
  measuring how many checks I processed And according to that measurement, I was terrible,
• 4:47
  54 was probably a pretty accurate description of my productivity that day But
• 4:52
  it wasn't a description of, you know, of me,
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  That board couldn't measure what was going on Inside the young man sitting at
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  that machine Couldn't measure imagination Couldn't measure curiosity It couldn't
• 5:04
  measure the dreams I was having about my future.
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  It couldn't measure what running meant to me. It couldn't measure the things I hadn't done yet.
• 5:13
  I couldn't possibly know who I might become. And neither could I.
• 5:17
  That's what took me much longer to understand.
• 5:21
  So I was never 54, and by the way, I wasn't 700 either. There were just numbers on a board.
• 5:29
  But we do this throughout our own lives, don't we? We allow numbers and rankings
• 5:33
  and titles and salaries and evaluations and other people's opinions to measure
• 5:38
  things that we're never designed to measure.
• 5:41
  The board changes as we get older. Maybe it's no longer hanging on the wall
• 5:44
  at the bank, maybe now it's our salary,
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  Our job title, our house Our retirement account, our performance evaluation
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  How many people follow us How many people listen to us Whether someone invites
• 5:57
  us Whether someone responds to our message,
• 6:01
  Whether somebody notices what we've accomplished.
• 6:05
  Where somebody says, good job. So the boards become more sophisticated.
• 6:11
  But sometimes we're still standing underneath them, looking up,
• 6:14
  waiting for them to tell us how we should feel about ourselves.
• 6:19
  And sometimes the board isn't a board at all. Sometimes it's a person.
• 6:24
  Maybe there's somebody in your life right now who isn't giving you what you
• 6:27
  wish they would give you.
• 6:29
  Recognition, affection, attention, respect, perhaps an apology. approval.
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  Maybe you've caught yourself thinking, if that person would just change, then I'd be happier.
• 6:43
  Maybe they should change. This isn't about excusing people who treat us badly.
• 6:49
  And it certainly isn't about pretending relationships don't matter.
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  They matter enormously.
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  Some of the greatest happiness in my own life comes from the people I love.
• 6:58
  But there's an important difference between saying, you bring happiness into
• 7:01
  my life, and saying, you are responsible for whether I am happy.
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  The first is connection. The second is handing somebody else the keys.
• 7:12
  I wonder how much of our lives we spend waiting. Waiting for a boss to,
• 7:17
  you know, finally appreciate us.
• 7:19
  Waiting for a parent to finally say they're proud of us. Waiting for a child to call.
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  Waiting for a spouse or partner to understand us.
• 7:28
  Waiting for an apology that may never come. waiting for somebody to notice how
• 7:33
  hard we've tried, and just waiting for the world to acknowledge that we, we matter.
• 7:39
  I hope those things happen. I really do. But what if they don't?
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  How much of your life are you willing to put on hold while you wait?
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  Because sometimes the person we're waiting for doesn't even know that we're waiting.
• 7:53
  That's painful. But giving them responsibility for our happiness doesn't make the pain disappear.
• 7:58
  It simply gives them even more power over our lives.
• 8:02
  Which brings me back to my grandmother. Bagel, are you happy?
• 8:07
  When I was younger, I probably would have looked outside myself for the answer.
• 8:12
  How's my career going? How much money am I making? What does my boss think of me?
• 8:18
  Am I successful? Where am I on the board? Am I 54? Am I 700?
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  Today I think about that question much differently. I ask myself,
• 8:29
  did I do something meaningful today? Did I help somebody? Did I take care of myself?
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  Did I notice the world around me?
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  Did I laugh? Did I spend time with somebody I love?
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  Did I learn something? Did I create something? Did I spend a little time doing absolutely nothing?
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  Did I live today in a world that felt like me? Those are very different measurements.
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  Nobody else can answer them for me. I've also come to believe that happiness
• 9:00
  isn't something we achieve and then possess forever.
• 9:03
  I think happiness is something we practice.
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  It's like taking care of our bodies. We don't exercise once and declare ourselves
• 9:10
  healthy for the rest of our lives.
• 9:12
  We have to keep moving. We have to keep using the muscles. Maybe happiness has muscles too.
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  Gratitude, curiosity, connection, purpose, humor.
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  The ability to notice something beautiful in an ordinary day.
• 9:30
  The ability to forgive ourselves when we don't get everything just right.
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  The ability to laugh at ourselves. The ability to have a bad day without deciding we have a bad life.
• 9:40
  Those muscles need exercise. And nobody else can exercise them for us.
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  So maybe there's somebody listening to this right now who has been waiting.
• 9:53
  Waiting for someone else to change. Waiting to finally be appreciated Waiting
• 9:58
  for permission Maybe just waiting for somebody to say You're doing well You matter.
• 10:05
  I'm proud of you I see you I hope somebody I do hope somebody tells you these things I really do,
• 10:13
  But I also hope you don't wait for them Because you could spend years waiting
• 10:17
  for somebody To give you something they may never know you need,
• 10:21
  You don't need to stop loving people You don't need to stop needing people You
• 10:24
  don't need to announce that you don't care What anybody thinks I don't believe
• 10:29
  that either I mean, we're deeply human We're built for connection We need one another,
• 10:35
  Just don't outsource your entire inner life,
• 10:38
  My grandmother has been gone now for many years But every once in a while I
• 10:42
  can still hear her asking Bagel, are you happy?
• 10:47
  And maybe that's why the question Has stayed with me You see,
• 10:50
  she didn't ask Bagel, are people impressed with you?
• 10:54
  She didn't ask, Bagel, are you successful? She didn't ask what my title was.
• 10:58
  She didn't ask how much money I made. She didn't ask me where I ranked on the
• 11:03
  board. She asked me if I was happy.
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  And after all these years, maybe I finally learned something about how to answer her.
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  Some of my happiness for sure comes from other people. A great deal of it does.
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  But ultimately, the answer has to belong to me.
• 11:20
  So wherever you are listening today Maybe take a moment Imagine someone who
• 11:26
  loved you very much Is sitting next to you now.
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  And imagine them asking, are you happy? Now, don't answer too quickly.
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  And don't look around to see what everybody thinks. Just sit with the question.
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  If the answer is yes, even mostly yes, notice what you're doing.
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  That helps make that true.
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  And if the answer is no, don't judge yourself for it. Instead,
• 11:51
  maybe ask yourself one more question.
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  What is one small thing I can do today that doesn't require anybody else's permission,
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  approval or participation to bring a little more happiness into my own life.
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  Maybe it's taking a walk.
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  Maybe it's listening to music. Maybe it's calling someone you care about.
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  Maybe it's, you know, just creating something.
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  Maybe it's resting. Or maybe it's laughing at something completely ridiculous.
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  Maybe it's just sitting on a park bench for 10 minutes.
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  And maybe while you're sitting there You can remind yourself You're not 54 You're not 700 either,
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  You're more than your ranking You're more than your mistakes You're more than
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  your job title You're more than your bank account And you're certainly more
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  than Somebody else's opinion of you.
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  Other people Will always matter Love will always matter Connection will always
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  matter But your happiness Don't give that job away,
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  Take care of yourself And I'll see you next time From the park bench.