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143 - The War You Fight Alone and How to Win · Getting After It

0:00
Brett: The hardest battles that we fight are not going to be done in arenas.
0:03
Brett: They are going to be in our own mind, and there's not going to be a cheering crowd.
0:08
Brett: No one's going to do an Instagram post for you.
0:10
Brett: It's just you and the voice in your head that's telling you to quit.
0:13
Brett: Welcome back to the show.
0:19
Brett: This one's going to be a little bit different, because I want to take a second and recognize that everyone has unseen battles.
0:29
Brett: Everyone faces things that we don't see.
0:33
Brett: They're not posting the battles that they're going through on social media.
0:36
Brett: They're not posting their difficulties online or really being open about them, when in reality, we probably should.
0:44
Brett: I've learned through my own experience that it helps much more when you have a team of people that are guiding you through something rather than trying to battle it on your own, and we're going to talk about both relying on support of other people, but also what you can do to fortify your mind, to make you face these battles a little stronger and to be a little bit aimed to prepare for them with whatever they might seem like, because really this isn't a flashy thing.
1:16
Brett: It doesn't come with applause or praise like all these unseen battles that you are going through now.
1:21
Brett: It could look like a lot of different things.
1:25
Brett: It could be.
1:26
Brett: You wake up some days and the weight that you feel from whatever you're going through is already there.
1:32
Brett: Maybe it's doubt, maybe it's stress about your own future, about your family, maybe it's something darker.
1:40
Brett: It could be grief, it could be shame, it could be fear.
1:43
Brett: It could be grief, it could be shame, it could be fear, but you're forced to show up and smile, go to work, post your workouts, make your calls, do whatever you have to do, but inside it's a war, and I'm calling this episode the war that you fight alone, because that's what it feels like, doesn't it Like?
2:05
Brett: Most of the times you go through these things feels like you're all alone and nobody knows, and the thing about these internal battles is that they are invisible, which makes them much more dangerous.
2:15
Brett: Like you talk to any psychologist, talk to any therapist, and they will tell you that you should never isolate.
2:24
Brett: If you're going through something difficult, do not isolate.
2:26
Brett: I've done that before, and I can confirm it's much harder to deal with things if you're trying to battle them alone.
2:34
Brett: And let's talk about what this war is, though.
2:36
Brett: What is it?
2:37
Brett: Because it's not always going to be dramatic.
2:39
Brett: Sometimes it might be a full breakdown, but other times it might not.
2:44
Brett: It you just.
2:45
Brett: It could be subtle, it could be lingering, it could be quiet.
2:49
Brett: The war is showing up for things that you don't want to do, like when you're not motivated to do it.
2:56
Brett: If you're going through something difficult, like sometimes, the war is just making it through the day and not spiraling out of control.
3:03
Brett: Other days it's choosing to have one more uncomfortable conversation with yourself to push you to do something more, because you know that's the only true way to grow is to continue pushing out of your comfort zone, to bypass that and learn that you're capable of doing more.
3:19
Brett: But it's silent, it is a silent war, and that silence it can be sacred if you um, if you treat it right.
3:36
Brett: The silence is where self-respect is built.
3:37
Brett: You know how I know this is because I've done it before.
3:38
Brett: I've been through my own battles.
3:39
Brett: I've I've fought depression and I've had moments where I didn't want to keep going.
3:46
Brett: But you have to learn that that's not an option.
3:53
Brett: You have to fight through that.
3:55
Brett: You have to learn that you're capable of doing more and that it doesn't.
4:02
Brett: Whatever is plaguing your mind at the moment will end Like it might not be in the near future and I hate to be the bearer of bad news there, but it will end.
4:13
Brett: It could be days, months, years, but there's a lot of power in continuing.
4:22
Brett: There is a lot of self-respect gained when you don't want to do anything.
4:28
Brett: You're facing all these challenges, you're going through it, you're in the mud, but you show up anyway and you keep pushing forward, like when I was going through my own depressive episodes.
4:42
Brett: It was so hard to put on a mask and go to work every day and pretend like nothing was wrong, when in reality I was melting on the inside and I felt like a piece of crap.
4:53
Brett: It was a time where my self-talk was in the gutter.
4:57
Brett: I was very mean to myself and I knew that at the time.
5:03
Brett: I knew that I was being very brutal with with myself.
5:07
Brett: Um, because and I hate to say this because it's going to make me seem like a bad person, but I promise you I've changed.
5:16
Brett: I always thought of people who had depressed or depression, as you know, maybe maybe they're just weak, maybe they just can't get through their days and maybe they're focusing on the wrong things.
5:26
Brett: But that's not.
5:28
Brett: That's not true at all.
5:29
Brett: Um, and I've learned that for myself is like if you're battling real depression, you have no motivation, you don't want to do anything and your mind cycles around these thoughts that keep you in that state where you're kind of bummed out and you're kind of sad.
5:49
Brett: It's going to linger because of that, but you're not weak.
5:56
Brett: You're definitely not weak.
5:57
Brett: Why is it so hard to keep going?
6:00
Brett: Why is it so hard to fight through these thoughts to try and become a stronger person?
6:06
Brett: Well, the thing is is, with, with these silent battles, there's no break.
6:10
Brett: There's no coach coming in and calling a timeout, there's no friend stepping in and saying like, hey, why don't we regroup here?
6:17
Brett: Let's, let's take it, let's take a minute.
6:19
Brett: It's just you, just you with your own thoughts.
6:22
Brett: It's your own habits and even your own demons.
6:26
Brett: Those are.
6:27
Brett: You know people like to talk about your demons, but really that's all it is is it's only you.
6:34
Brett: And when that pressure builds up, it's going to feel heavy and I'm sure you felt it too Like it's that pit in your stomach that you can't explain.
6:44
Brett: It's the weight in your chest that shows up out of nowhere and catches you off guard.
6:48
Brett: It's your mind is blurry and your focus is all over the place.
6:52
Brett: You have a foggy brain and spiraling thoughts that make things simple seem to feel impossible.
7:01
Brett: Now, um, it could be triggered by a lot of stuff.
7:05
Brett: It could be a traumatic event in your life.
7:07
Brett: It could just be that you know it just comes.
7:11
Brett: I don't know how to explain depression.
7:12
Brett: I'm not a psychologist or a therapist here, but sometimes life just does that to you.
7:19
Brett: Life can just throw you in the gutters.
7:21
Brett: And when that happens because it will happen to every single person you have to have a game plan.
7:29
Brett: You have to know that this is a temporary thing and, whatever happens, you'll make it through.
7:37
Brett: And if you do it right, if you try to make the most of your situation given your circumstances, you will become a better person in the end.
7:46
Brett: That's not some self-help BS, that's real life.
7:51
Brett: If you're able to push through these challenges that come up into your life, whatever they are the silent ones, if you're able to keep going, that self-respect builds up, you will be more confident that when things do go to hell, you can be the person that others can rely on and that you can rely on yourself.
8:10
Brett: It's tough and silence when you're there and you have those thoughts.
8:21
Brett: It's not a sign of weakness.
8:22
Brett: This is the arena that's either going to make or break you, this silent idea or not.
8:30
Brett: Silent idea, silent moments where you just have time to think about, really probably the problem that you're going through.
8:37
Brett: It's difficult, but there's a quote I love and I don't know who said it first, but it's stayed with me for quite a long time Character is who you are when no one's watching, and I felt that in the rawest way.
8:53
Brett: It's not during a race, it's not in front of an audience, but it's in the middle of the night, when I'm staring at the ceiling Wondering if I'm doing enough or if I am enough.
9:03
Brett: And it's in those moments that you learn something, because when you strip away the applause, when you strip away people chanting you on and cheering you on, you're left with the truth, and the truth can hurt sometimes, like those moments when I was staring at the ceiling at nighttime and I couldn't sleep and I was depressed.
9:21
Brett: I would always ask myself, like where's this coming from?
9:24
Brett: Like, why do I feel this way?
9:25
Brett: My life, from the outside perspective, is great.
9:28
Brett: I have an amazing wife, who's super hot, might I add on.
9:33
Brett: I have a great job, a family that loves me, I'm healthy.
9:37
Brett: Where is this coming from?
9:38
Brett: I have no excuse to feel this way and at the time, I think I probably associated it with the change I was going through.
9:51
Brett: I think I probably associated it with the change I was going through, but I never came up with a solid answer on why this is happening to me, and I think that's the truth I had to face is that there was no real explanation on why I was feeling this way.
10:06
Brett: Maybe it was a chemical imbalance, I don't know.
10:07
Brett: But the truth is also where you can start to heal.
10:13
Brett: It's the beginning of your growth and it's where you take over.
10:16
Brett: Like in those moments, I said, hey, well, I feel like crap and I can't figure out why.
10:23
Brett: And I love this quote from Alex Hormozy.
10:26
Brett: He says if you can be in a bad mood for no reason, you can be in a good mood for no reason.
10:29
Brett: And so I remember hearing that and being like yeah, that's probably true.
10:39
Brett: Um, and then one night, my wife said a few things to me and help really clarify why I was feeling some of these things.
10:42
Brett: And, uh, made all the difference.
10:45
Brett: She had perspective from the outside that I didn't, and it was truthful, stung, but I needed to hear something like that.
10:55
Brett: And once I confronted that truth, I was able to make some changes and change some of my habits, my behaviors, and become a happy person.
11:07
Brett: It took work, but action is the antidote to a lot of these things.
11:16
Brett: To get very personal right now, my wife and I we're going through a silent battle right now and it's caused by me.
11:25
Brett: This is going to be really personal here, but whatever Cat's out of the bag, I'm infertile.
11:33
Brett: Zero sperm that's 200,000 people a year get that.
11:38
Brett: So I'm pretty rare, if you know what I'm talking about.
11:41
Brett: Anyways, zero sperm, and that's not a great thing to have.
11:48
Brett: I'm listening to a podcast right now with Chris Williamson and some doctor, and the doctor was basically he's a male fertility doctor and he's talking.
11:57
Brett: He's like, yeah, you know, if men have sperm counts that are around 5 million to 20 million, uh sperm within a milliliter, they're gonna have issues having kids.
12:07
Brett: And I'm over here like, well, damn, I have zero, don't even have one in there, just nothing, just uh, probably.
12:16
Brett: If you're looking okay, I'm gonna make a joke about this because I can if you look inside my testicles or something, you know, it's probably like the wild west, and all of a sudden you see like a, it's like a tumbleweed go across and dust blowing.
12:28
Brett: Know, it's like that's the inside of my balls.
12:34
Brett: So yeah, I am infertile and it's one of the hardest things that Allie and I have had to go through.
12:41
Brett: You know I'm making jokes and things like that, but I want to keep it light.
12:45
Brett: I think if you take your situation that you're in and you focus on all the negative, all the bad, all the uncertainty, it's going to make it so much worse.
12:53
Brett: But if you can find a couple of reasons to maybe make yourself laugh, like I got tumbleweeds in my nuts, that's kind of funny, um, but it's hard, like, and it's it's hard for me.
13:05
Brett: I'll explain my perspective first and then kind of walk into how Allie and I are working together on this.
13:13
Brett: But for me I feel like it's a stab at my masculinity.
13:18
Brett: I'm like I'm not a man.
13:20
Brett: Really, I can't even make sperm.
13:22
Brett: Like, okay, great, that's awesome.
13:25
Brett: Um, my testosterone's low, like that, great, I'm not a man.
13:30
Brett: And that comes up a lot in my head is like oh, wow, okay.
13:38
Brett: So Allie married you and she expected that she was going to be able to be a mom and, uh, you can't even deliver that, you can't even show up and give her a kid.
13:48
Brett: You have no sperm and and it's pretty tough.
13:53
Brett: It's a hard thing for me to deal with and it weighs on me a lot because I know how bad my wife and I we want to have kids.
14:06
Brett: That's like every time we go over to my nieces and nephews and we see them.
14:12
Brett: It just hurts a little more.
14:18
Brett: Right now, we're going through infertility treatments and not really seeing great signs from my own body with hormone replacement therapy like HCG, and we've tried a few other medicines before and didn't really see great results from it.
14:33
Brett: Um, we are now going to go see like a, a infertility specialist who specializes in male infertility, and it.
14:43
Brett: It's scary because with someone like me who has something called azoospermia, which means you have zero sperm, there's a couple of procedures that they can do, one of them called the microtests, where they go in, they cut open the scrotum, they look in there, they pull out a chunkier ball and then from that they can hopefully find some sperm cells in there.
15:10
Brett: But it's about 50, 50 chance, 50, 50 chance, and so in my mind I'm like, okay, great, so we have to go through this procedure, we have to pay a bunch of money because infertility is expensive and there's still a 50-50 chance that I might not even have anything in there.
15:36
Brett: There's a lot of uncertainty with that, there's a lot of fear and it's easy.
15:42
Brett: It's so easy to just play the victim card and give up, be like, okay, well, all right, we're not going to have kids, al.
15:52
Brett: But what's the benefit of that?
15:57
Brett: What good does that do for you?
15:59
Brett: Nothing.
16:00
Brett: If you're just going to think about the worst case scenario in every situation I think it's important to plan for that Like, you should obviously have an idea of what you're going to do if it does become the worst case scenario, but don't ruminate on it.
16:11
Brett: What's that going to do?
16:12
Brett: If it does become the worst case scenario, but don't ruminate on it what's that going to do for you?
16:14
Brett: If you're thinking about, like, oh man, am I going to like in my situation, am I ever going to be able to have kids?
16:19
Brett: Like what if they're not my kids and I have to adopt?
16:21
Brett: Or we have to use a donor?
16:22
Brett: Or uh, what if we do this procedure and we don't find anything?
16:26
Brett: And then we have to go down another uh avenue to see if we can get pregnant.
16:30
Brett: And who knows, maybe something's wrong with Allie and we just have no idea which could make it worse.
16:36
Brett: Like there's just so much that's kind of going against us that if you let your mind focus on everything that's wrong, your brain is great at finding evidence of that and it will say, okay, well, yes, you are a zoospermia, you have no sperm.
16:53
Brett: It's not looking promising there.
16:54
Brett: But also your boss said something at work to you that made you question if your job is safe.
17:01
Brett: And also your wife is not happy that you didn't do the laundry like she asked you to.
17:07
Brett: And now you're questioning if she even likes you and loves you.
17:10
Brett: And you've gained some pounds, so is your fitness going down?
17:15
Brett: Like all I'm saying is that if you focus on the problems all the time and focus on the negative, that's all you will see.
17:24
Brett: I love the prophet of the church I belong to.
17:28
Brett: His name is President Russell M Nelson and he's the prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, just in case anyone didn't know that.
17:37
Brett: But he has this quote where he says the joy of your life does not depend on your circumstances, it depends on your focus, it depends on what you focus on.
17:48
Brett: Something along those lines.
17:49
Brett: I butchered it a little bit bit, but there's a lot of truth behind that.
17:54
Brett: If you focus on all the negative, your brain will find it, but if you want to focus on what you have and you want to focus on gratitude, that changes a lot and that's what has honestly gotten Allie and I through a lot of this trial, that we're going through this challenge of having kids.
18:19
Brett: It's gratitude Because, yes, it absolutely sucks that we can't get pregnant, but you know what we have.
18:30
Brett: We have healthy bodies, we have a roof over our head, we have each other and she's my best friend.
18:36
Brett: And if it comes to the point to where we can't have kids and I'm just left with al, my life is damn good.
18:48
Brett: That girl, she's everything to me and, uh, I couldn't get through all these things without her.
18:59
Brett: She's just helped me so much.
19:02
Brett: And that's what I mean is like I love her unconditionally.
19:08
Brett: I love her so much and if this is cheesy, I don't care, I'm just saying what I feel.
19:13
Brett: She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
19:16
Brett: And if we don't have kids together, you know what?
19:21
Brett: At least I got her.
19:23
Brett: I don't need kids.
19:26
Brett: If I got Al I'd like them but I don't need them.
19:28
Brett: She's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
19:31
Brett: If I didn't have Al then my life would be 100% different.
19:36
Brett: It'd be scary, because Ali has helped me through all my depressive episodes.
19:41
Brett: She's helped me through challenges I've gone through myself.
19:44
Brett: She's helped me see myself in a different view.
19:47
Brett: She's helped me with getting after it.
19:49
Brett: She's the person who I laugh the most with and that makes me a very rich man.
19:57
Brett: Gratitude helps a lot.
20:01
Brett: I went on a little tangent there about my wife, but I'd be I'd be ashamed of myself if I didn't say how much I loved her and how much she means to me and how much she helps me.
20:10
Brett: We make a damn good team and anyways, I love you all.
20:19
Brett: But getting back into these things, I want to take a couple of little pieces from the Stoics on how their perspective shifts and what they think about can help you in your own personal battles, because I'm in the thick of it.
20:39
Brett: You might be in the thick of it Either way.
20:42
Brett: You've probably felt the weight before and you've seen the fog and questions can come up.
20:46
Brett: Like I said when I was staring at the ceiling of what do I actually do about it?
20:50
Brett: And this is where the Stokes are going to come in Stoics, not Stokes.
20:56
Brett: Sometimes I talk fast and get the words all jumbled.
20:59
Brett: So I'm working on how I speak and Allie made a point to me the other day that I say 100% a lot.
21:05
Brett: So if I say 100% on the podcast after I just said it, I need you to comment and tell me I'm saying it, because I'm trying to get that out of my vocabulary.
21:15
Brett: But anyways, the Stoics and there's a reason I keep coming back to them all the time it's because they don't just give out fluff.
21:23
Brett: It's not like some motivational Instagram crap.
21:26
Brett: They give out real things and they don't tell you to oh, just manifest the good vibes.
21:32
Brett: That's all you need to do.
21:33
Brett: Like you're going through some hard stuff.
21:34
Brett: Just manifest it, think it and it'll come to pass.
21:38
Brett: It's not how it works.
21:39
Brett: The Stoics.
21:41
Brett: They say, okay, here's a sword, here's a shield.
21:43
Brett: Now go face your demons, go battle them, face them head on.
21:49
Brett: Epictetus said we suffer not from the events in our lives, but from our judgment about them.
21:54
Brett: I'm going to read that again we suffer not from the events in our lives, but from our judgment about them.
21:59
Brett: Excuse me, the problem isn't always what's happening.
22:05
Brett: The problem is the story you're telling yourself about what's happening.
22:08
Brett: Like if you lose your job, does that mean you're a failure?
22:10
Brett: No.
22:10
Brett: If your partner pulls away, does that mean you're a failure?
22:12
Brett: No.
22:12
Brett: If your partner pulls away, does that mean you're unlovable?
22:14
Brett: No, you mess up on a run or workout or completely skip and fall off track.
22:20
Brett: Does that mean you're weak?
22:21
Brett: No, not.
22:24
Brett: Unless you choose to believe that story.
22:25
Brett: If you sit there and you say, oh man, I missed a workout.
22:30
Brett: And then you start telling yourself all these things yeah, I suck, yeah I'm bad.
22:34
Brett: Control that inner voice, the inner battle is won once you realize that you have the control to determine what your outlook is and what you want to focus on.
22:43
Brett: The Stoics draw a line.
22:45
Brett: They make it very clear and there's two categories in life.
22:49
Brett: One is what you can control and two is what you cannot.
22:54
Brett: Simple, right?
22:56
Brett: That's an easy thing to live by.
22:57
Brett: If you can't control anything, if you can't control the things that are happening to you, don't get mad about them.
23:03
Brett: Just say, okay, how can I make the most of it?
23:05
Brett: But you can control your responses to those things, and that's what's important is.
23:12
Brett: Let's take that example of losing your job.
23:13
Brett: There's two different people Bobby, he's going to lose his job.
23:18
Brett: And Bobby goes home and he's like I lost my job and he's sad.
23:26
Brett: And then he goes to the kitchen, he goes into the freezer, pulls out the Ben and Jerry's fish food Um, and he's freezer pulls out the ben and jerry's fish food um, and he just sits on the couch and he's spoon feeding himself.
23:36
Brett: I lost it, my job.
23:40
Brett: And his wife comes home.
23:41
Brett: He's like what are you doing?
23:42
Brett: And he's like I lost my job.
23:44
Brett: And she's like it's okay, we'll figure it out.
23:45
Brett: And he's like, no, we won't, we won't.
23:47
Brett: And then eventually, uh, did I call him bobby?
23:51
Brett: Bobby wakes up the next day and he's like oh, I don't have a job to go to.
23:54
Brett: And then he sits on the couch again and eats three ben and jerry's fish foods and that's all he's focusing on is his job.
24:03
Brett: And his wife, two weeks later, is like you're a loser, like you could have.
24:07
Brett: You had two weeks to get your life in order, but you just sat on the couch and eat ben and jerry's.
24:11
Brett: At this time, bobby's around 360 pounds.
24:14
Brett: He's gained a lot of weight and he's just on the couch like now you're leaving me, oh, and bobby's sad.
24:22
Brett: And and then tommy actually we'll call him timmy, timmy, he, he loses his job and he goes home and he's like I lost my job.
24:33
Brett: And then his wife comes home and she's like what's wrong, honey?
24:38
Brett: And he's like I lost my job.
24:39
Brett: And she goes okay, let's do this, let's figure out what we need to do next.
24:43
Brett: I'm sorry, you lost your job, I love you.
24:45
Brett: And Timmy's like you know what.
24:47
Brett: Okay, let's be proactive about it.
24:49
Brett: And so Timmy gets on linkedin and he's looking around, he's trying to find jobs and, uh, he finds one and he's like I'm gonna apply for this.
24:57
Brett: And then he does that again a few hours later and he applied for three jobs the same day.
25:04
Brett: He got fired next day.
25:05
Brett: He's like, oh well, it sucks, I can't go to work, but I have a lot of time, so maybe I'll just keep researching jobs.
25:11
Brett: And Timmy does this for about a week and a half.
25:15
Brett: And then, you know, he's had interviews during that time.
25:21
Brett: Very different situations.
25:22
Brett: Bobby decided to give in, realized he was a failure and became one because he believed he was.
25:28
Brett: And then Timmy was sad, realized that he could be proactive, realized that this wasn't the end of the road and he kept going.
25:36
Brett: But that's the difference is that you, on one hand, you can believe it and on the other hand you can say I'm going to choose what I do.
25:44
Brett: You can't control what life throws at you, but you control how you respond to it.
25:48
Brett: So take that lesson from the Stoics, respond to it.
25:59
Brett: So take that lesson from the Stoics.
26:00
Brett: There's a lot of ways to get through the pain, but one thing I've learned is that you cannot think through the pain.
26:02
Brett: The only way that you can get through it is by acting, and I gave just a few examples here.
26:08
Brett: But you can choose to go for a run when your mind says let's skip it.
26:11
Brett: You can write the journal entry even when you feel numb.
26:15
Brett: You can text a friend and ask them to hang out or go get dinner or lunch instead of isolating and this one, I think, is the hardest.
26:25
Brett: But to sit with discomfort, feel those feelings, instead of medicating it with noise, with social media, anything, sit with the discomfort.
26:39
Brett: Some days that choice feels microscopic, but when you stack that up over time, that becomes your armor.
26:46
Brett: Think about Timmy.
26:47
Brett: He did three job applications his first day when he got fired.
26:51
Brett: Then the next day, who knows, maybe he got 10.
26:53
Brett: And then the next day, maybe another 10.
26:55
Brett: And by the end of the week he had 35.
26:58
Brett: It just adds up over time.
27:01
Brett: And Marcus Aurelius, another Stoic.
27:02
Brett: He wrote the impediment.
27:04
Brett: Let me start over here.
27:06
Brett: The impediment wow, I'm just going to say this.
27:12
Brett: This is me, I can just going to say this.
27:13
Brett: This is me.
27:13
Brett: I can't say this word Impediment, impediment.
27:17
Brett: Okay, there we go.
27:17
Brett: I said it.
27:18
Brett: The impediment to action advances action.
27:20
Brett: What stands in the way becomes the way.
27:22
Brett: There's a great book out there.
27:25
Brett: If you're going through something difficult, I highly recommend it.
27:28
Brett: It's by Ryan Holiday and it's called the Obstacle is the Way.
27:31
Brett: It talks a lot about what we've discussed today about how, sitting with the silence, getting through these silent battles, the war within your mind, beating it and having victory.
27:46
Brett: That is what teaches you who you are.
27:48
Brett: It is who you become, and that's exactly what Marcus Aurelius is saying.
27:52
Brett: Here is the impediment to action advances action.
27:54
Brett: What stands in the way becomes the way, those obstacles you're facing.
27:59
Brett: It's going to change Like.
28:02
Brett: It's going to help you.
28:02
Brett: It'll help you, help someone else, and that's hopefully the reason why I'm talking about infertility today and all these things that I'm going through.
28:12
Brett: That are silent battles, but I pray that with whatever experience I've gone through, I can help someone else out, because it is a shitty thing to have to go through.
28:24
Brett: It sucks and my brother understands it well, him and his wife.
28:32
Brett: They had some infertility issues early on in their marriage, but he gets it when I talk to him and I tell him what I'm feeling and how I feel hopeless and life is dark, and he understands all those feelings Because he went through it himself and he overcame that horrible challenge.
28:53
Brett: And I'm hoping I can do the same and that's something that I would say is a good pivot to make in your brain is it sucks that I'm going through this, but maybe there's something I can learn to help someone who might face it one day.
29:10
Brett: Maybe it will be your own kid, maybe it's a really close friend, but whatever, whoever it is, maybe they can rely on you Because you were strong, because you fought the battles every day, even when you wanted to cave, you wanted to quit, but you showed up anyway and you told the world who you were by showing up.
29:30
Brett: And when you were alone, you faced those battles with confidence and courage.
29:33
Brett: They didn't stop you.
29:36
Brett: It might have scared you, but it didn't stop you.
29:39
Brett: Let me give you some tools for this fight.
29:42
Brett: So we've defined the war, we've explored the weight of it and we've looked at kind of what the Stoics say about it.
29:49
Brett: But let's be real, like philosophy alone is not going to save you, it takes action.
29:54
Brett: That's what we've talked about.
29:55
Brett: You need something deeper and I've come up with three that have helped me.
30:01
Brett: Every single time, anytime I go through a silent battle, these three things are what have gotten me through.
30:07
Brett: The first is being physical fitness.
30:09
Brett: Okay, there it is.
30:11
Brett: Yes, physical fitness, it encourages movement.
30:15
Brett: Like when you can't fix your mind, move the body.
30:18
Brett: There are so many days when I couldn't think clearly and I couldn't get things done that I wanted to.
30:26
Brett: But I could still run, I could still go lift weights or go for a long walk and somehow, through doing that strain, through beating my body, the sweat, the silence, the clarity would come, because movement, it gives your emotions somewhere to go.
30:46
Brett: When you're angry and you go lift some weights, by the time you're done it's like a little towel wringing you out.
30:51
Brett: You know what I'm saying Get a little wet towel and wring it out.
30:53
Brett: That's you All.
30:55
Brett: That anger is gone.
30:56
Brett: It clears the fog.
30:58
Brett: Wow, it clears the fog.
31:00
Brett: I did not say the F word.
31:01
Brett: It clears the fog.
31:02
Brett: Your mind might resist it, but your body knows that, hey, this is the way forward.
31:09
Brett: We can do this, even if it's just 10 minutes.
31:11
Brett: Get out of your head, get into your body.
31:13
Brett: That's the first thing.
31:15
Brett: The second, real close to it and physical fitness requires this discipline.
31:21
Brett: All right, two things that I always talk about fitness and discipline.
31:25
Brett: It's not sexy, but for me it's the anchor.
31:27
Brett: I have certain non-negotiables that I always do, no matter what, like.
31:31
Brett: I have certain non-negotiables that I always, um, I always do no matter what, and it's always I work out, I journal or reflect some way.
31:41
Brett: Um, and spend time with people.
31:41
Brett: I love those.
31:42
Brett: Those three things I have to do every single day.
31:43
Brett: Um, and Allie and I are doing distance, so spending time with people I love sometimes looks like FaceTime, whatever, but it requires discipline to do all those three things.
31:55
Brett: Like.
31:55
Brett: It has to be physical fitness you need discipline.
31:58
Brett: Working on getting after it, working on this podcast, working on the community you need discipline.
32:03
Brett: Spending time with loved ones you got to make the call, you got to spend time with them.
32:05
Brett: You got to be there.
32:06
Brett: You got to be present and journaling and reflecting.
32:09
Brett: You actually have to do the work.
32:10
Brett: You have to think about how your day went, where you could improve what went wrong, how you can make it better next time.
32:17
Brett: Even when you don't want to write, you got to show up Like it's not about being productive For me, it's more about stability in my life.
32:25
Brett: If I know I'm doing those things, then whatever is weighing on me I can typically deal with, because my life is stable, the things that I want to do, the non-negotiables in my life are completed.
32:35
Brett: It might help the same for you.
32:37
Brett: Like, when the emotional storm hits you, you don't rise to the level of your motivation, you fall to the level of your systems, and systems are built on discipline.
32:49
Brett: That's why Jocko says it and I always quote it discipline equals freedom, because it is true, but I would add on to that discipline equals clarity, because when everything feels shaky, the things you always do become your foundation.
33:04
Brett: And if you want to build a strong foundation, you need to do it on things like being physically fit, eating healthy, reaching out to loved ones, doing things you enjoy, working, building, building something, but find out what your foundation is and build upon it.
33:23
Brett: Now, this one the last one, I would argue is the most important for me and potentially for you, but it's faith in God.
33:33
Brett: When you believe in God, or if you believe in the universe, it allows you to think about something that's bigger than yourself.
33:41
Brett: Because that internal war, it always feels isolated, like nobody understands you, like you're the only one who's ever felt this way, but you're not.
33:52
Brett: Every person you admire, every strong, grounded, resilient human being, they've been through it in some way or another.
33:59
Brett: They've all had their moment on the floor or their moment in the dark, the moment where Quitting whispered, hey, no one would know, nobody would know.
34:09
Brett: But that person said, no, I'm not listening to you.
34:13
Brett: And it's not because they're superhuman, I think it's just because they are human.
34:20
Brett: And for me, I think about a lot of faith and philosophy to some degree, but mainly faith, because Christ is my foundation.
34:30
Brett: Like I wrote down earlier, you feel isolated, like no one understands, like you're the only one who's felt this way, but you're not.
34:44
Brett: And I know that Christ has felt every single pain, and that's physical pain, that's the pain of sin, that's the pain of grief.
34:56
Brett: That's anything.
34:57
Brett: That's the pain you're feeling right now, going through whatever battle that you are, christ understands it completely.
35:03
Brett: He suffered so he could succor you and help you through whatever challenges and trials that you're going through.
35:11
Brett: I know that because I've had that happen to me when I was sick and I was 135 pounds and I would sleep a lot of the times and I would lay in my bed in a dark room.
35:21
Brett: I always remember I would talk to God and usually my conversations would go something like why is this happening to me?
35:29
Brett: Like I don't want to do this anymore.
35:32
Brett: Like why is this happening to me?
35:34
Brett: Like I don't want to do this anymore?
35:35
Brett: I want to get through.
35:35
Brett: And I always would have this thought anytime that I'm building you into something greater, and I had to trust that.
35:45
Brett: I had to believe that there was something behind that thought.
35:50
Brett: And during that time, during any time I go through something difficult, I think of my anchor in Christ, because he knows that I'm feeling it.
36:05
Brett: I'm going through hell and Christ has overcome hell, luckily, and he wants us to reach out to him.
36:14
Brett: God wants you to reach out to him through his son.
36:19
Brett: Call upon the name of Christ, talk to God and recognize that, whatever you're going through, you can have support through faith in Christ, through hope for a better future and knowing that God wouldn't do this to you, wouldn't put you through something like this if you weren't going to learn, if you weren't going to improve.
36:44
Brett: That's a teetering little thing here, because it's like the situation with Bobby and Timmy.
36:53
Brett: Because Bobby could have lost his job, blamed God, realized that everything in his life was bad because of God and Timmy.
37:02
Brett: He could have said, okay, hey, god, I'm scared.
37:08
Brett: Okay, hey, god, I'm scared, I don't have a job.
37:10
Brett: Can you help me find him?
37:12
Brett: Can you help me look for him?
37:14
Brett: And he wasn't just waiting for them to happen.
37:17
Brett: He was taking action and he was applying to jobs, he was doing interviews and eventually he got hired again.
37:22
Brett: And when that happened he was like God, I knew you were looking out for me.
37:29
Brett: And it's hard to explain spiritual experiences through a podcast, but I'm telling you, in my darkest moments I never gave up faith in Christ, I never gave up faith on my Savior, because that is the single most stable thing in my life and it always has been is my faith in Jesus Christ, and when I have him on my side.
37:55
Brett: I always ask myself what can I not do?
37:59
Brett: Because I have someone who overcame everything, who overcame the world, who overcame death and is rooting for me and is, in fact, helping me up.
38:11
Brett: And when I'm limping across, he comes up, puts my arm around his shoulder and wobbles me.
38:16
Brett: You know he's there supporting me along the way.
38:19
Brett: I know that is true and I'm happy to talk about that with anyone if you want to ask me questions.
38:27
Brett: But having faith in something greater than yourself will get you through some of your darkest times, and for me, that faith is rooted in Christ, and I know he looks out for me.
38:40
Brett: He looks out for you too.
38:41
Brett: You just have to ask him.
38:43
Brett: That's really it.
38:44
Brett: He wants you to.
38:46
Brett: He's your big brother.
38:47
Brett: Christ wants you to reach out to him.
38:51
Brett: Now, when this all finishes, when you get through your trials, when you are proactive, you take action, you do all these things we've talked about.
39:01
Brett: Let's talk about the beauty of winning in silence, because here's the twist in all this when you win the war that you fight alone, no one will notice.
39:11
Brett: There's not going to be applause, there's not going to be someone shooting confetti cannons at you.
39:15
Brett: You're not going to get trendy, but, more importantly, you will get self-respect.
39:23
Brett: You will gain confidence.
39:26
Brett: Let me tell you something that is a kind of win that no one can take from you.
39:30
Brett: It's not a medal, that's not anything.
39:34
Brett: That is something that is sacred, that you hold true to yourself, that you recognize you went through a very difficult time and you became better for it.
39:42
Brett: It's about walking through this fire and saying nothing and showing up for your run, your journal, your relationships, even when that internal voice is screaming for you to just hide, to disappear.
39:53
Brett: There's something pure about building confidence in the dark, and that comes from taking hard steps when no one's watching, when no one's validating you, and you keep going anyway.
40:04
Brett: That's the foundation of someone who's going to become unstoppable.
40:08
Brett: Keep going anyway.
40:10
Brett: That's the foundation of someone who's going to become unstoppable, because your strength is independent on hype.
40:13
Brett: It's built from truth and it's built from action and from the fact that you bled for it and kept moving forward.
40:26
Brett: You cried that you were so uncertain about the future, but you kept moving.
40:28
Brett: And one day maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day someone will look at you and say, hey, you're strong, you're someone who's grounded, you're someone who I admire.
40:37
Brett: You hold your head high and you'll smile.
40:40
Brett: You'll just give them a nice little smile, because they don't know the whole story.
40:44
Brett: They don't know what it cost you to become this version of yourself.
40:47
Brett: They don't know what it cost you to become this version of yourself.
40:51
Brett: They don't know about all those silent nights, all the doubts, all the breakdowns, the small victories that added up over time.
40:53
Brett: But you know, and that should be enough, if you're listening to this and you're in the middle of it, you're not broken and, more importantly, you're not alone.
41:04
Brett: You're just getting started.
41:07
Brett: You're not done.
41:09
Brett: The war that you fight alone is shaping you.
41:11
Brett: It's sharpening you, it's stripping away the noise and revealing who you really are.
41:15
Brett: And maybe right now you don't feel strong.
41:18
Brett: You feel tired, and that's okay.
41:21
Brett: That is okay.
41:24
Brett: Strength is not loud and it's not about dominating everything or being the strongest physically.
41:32
Brett: Strength sometimes is quiet.
41:34
Brett: Think about Rosa Parks.
41:36
Brett: She didn't really say anything when they they told her to move for seats.
41:39
Brett: Sometimes that strength is just the decision to not give up.
41:44
Brett: Today and when the doubt comes back, when uncertainty is staring at you right in the eyes, when that fear is there, when you feel like you're at your lowest.
41:59
Brett: Come back to this.
42:01
Brett: You don't need permission to keep going.
42:03
Brett: You just need to remember who the hell you are, remember who the hell you are and Remember who the hell you are and keep showing up, keep choosing growth, keep choosing to fight, even if you're the only one who knows that that fight exists, because the one who wins in silence, they're the ones who are worth becoming something, and that's you.
42:25
Brett: If you're listening to the Getting After it podcast, that's you.
42:30
Brett: I know life is hard.
42:32
Brett: Life is hard for us all, and you might look at someone like me who has a podcast, who runs a lot, who does things that require discipline, and say, oh man, he's got it all together.
42:43
Brett: But I promise you I don't.
42:44
Brett: Allie, seen me cry many times just because of our fertility thing.
42:47
Brett: She's seen me break down.
42:49
Brett: She's seen me lose hope.
42:52
Brett: She's seen it all, and that's part of being a human being is there can't always be good times.
43:02
Brett: There's going to be bad ones.
43:03
Brett: But the important thing is you remember who you are during those times and you show up and you try to keep that faith alive.
43:13
Brett: You silence those voices and you become who you're meant to be.
43:22
Brett: This was a more tender episode.
43:24
Brett: So I appreciate you guys for listening to this and being a little bit real with me, allowing me to be a little bit real Because I wanted to make this episode mainly for you to not feel discouraged with whatever you might be going through, but also to show you that everyone kind of has their own issues, everyone has their own challenges and trials.
43:48
Brett: You that everyone kind of has their own issues, everyone has their own challenges and trials.
43:53
Brett: And, more importantly, if there is someone out there who's dealing with infertility, it's a hell of a monster and I'm happy to talk with you about it.
44:01
Brett: That's the important piece Getting after it as a community.
44:04
Brett: And a community stays together.
44:05
Brett: Community decides to grow together and I'm willing grow together and I'm willing to help.
44:12
Brett: I'm willing to help any way I can to let you see that growth in yourself.
44:15
Brett: So I appreciate you for listening to this episode.
44:18
Brett: If it helped at all with anything you might be going through and you know someone who is going through something, feel free to send it to them.
44:24
Brett: But I appreciate you guys for sticking around and you're stronger than you think.
44:29
Brett: So when the battle shows up, recognize you're prepared, keep showing up and until next time, everyone keep getting after it.