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S4 E1 - Steve and Jeff Get Deported · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, the number one comedy podcast at Steve's mom's house.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: That is.
0:10
SPEAKER_01: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: Write us a review while you're there too.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
0:23
SPEAKER_02: Well, hey, no thanks, pre-recorded Johnny, you quizzling you.
0:28
SPEAKER_02: I hope you're enjoying your time terrorizing U.S.
0:30
SPEAKER_02: cities.
0:31
SPEAKER_02: Jeff, I hear he's announcing for the Christy Gnome Botox and cosplay show now.
0:35
SPEAKER_02: But I digress.
0:36
SPEAKER_02: You know, Jeff, usually we start the show, and this is season four.
0:39
SPEAKER_02: We're actually starting a new season, too.
0:41
SPEAKER_02: Usually we start the show with me asking you how it's going.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: And usually you either answer, you know, it's some sort of some form of okay, followed by a story that's really a joke.
0:52
SPEAKER_02: Or you give me a weather report and we talk about how it's cold or it's warm and it's odd for this time of the year.
0:57
SPEAKER_02: But today is different, Jeff.
0:59
SPEAKER_02: Why is this day different from all other days?
1:03
SPEAKER_00: Because it's Passover or Russia Shana.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: No, probably not.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: No, no.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: But you are right, it is a little different.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: I think one of the things that's different about it is that there was a bit of a cliffhanger ending to last season, and little did I know that cliff would be in Mexico.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: Right.
1:21
SPEAKER_02: They have beautiful cliffs.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: They do have beautiful cliffs.
1:24
SPEAKER_02: Many people say they have the best cliffs.
1:26
SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
1:28
SPEAKER_00: But it turns out that I guess if everybody remembers, we took this test to prove that we are real Americans.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: And I guess by the fact that we're in Mexico now, everyone realizes that we failed the test.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: We sure did.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, which I still think we're still real Americans, but you know, tests don't lie unless you have somebody else take the test for you.
1:49
SPEAKER_02: But you know, but who would do that, right?
1:52
SPEAKER_00: Nobody would ever do that.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: But, anyways, as a result, we were sent to Mexico to be more specific, Casumel, which you know, if you're gonna get deported, there are worse places to go, let me tell you.
2:04
SPEAKER_00: There are, and we are fortunate enough to be at the Hilton Cozumel Resort and deportation compound.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: And I have to tell you, Steve, it's lovely.
2:14
SPEAKER_02: Oh, it's absolutely beautiful.
2:16
SPEAKER_02: And I should explain, really, to some of the listeners here, most of those who were deported are not at a place like the Hilton Cozumel Resort.
2:25
SPEAKER_02: In fact, we were actually gonna originally be sent to Panama to be tortured, but see, I guess our king's check bounced to the Panama guy, you know.
2:35
SPEAKER_02: So they had to find another place.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: And you know, as you know, and we've talked about this, and Johnny is certainly living proof of this, the qualifications to join ICE are pretty much non-existent.
2:45
SPEAKER_02: So obviously, you know, they don't read so well.
2:48
SPEAKER_02: So when when one of them saw Hilton, he thought it said Hitler, and so he left and he just said a bunch of us here.
2:56
SPEAKER_02: Not so bad.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and the and what's fortunate for us is that you you remember I'm a Hilton Diamond member, and yeah, I had a bunch of points saved up, so it kind of was the perfect storm or hurricane or whatever.
3:10
SPEAKER_02: So thanks for using those points at the bar last night.
3:13
SPEAKER_02: I really appreciate that.
3:14
SPEAKER_02: Don Julio was oh man, wow, that is so good.
3:17
SPEAKER_02: I gotta agree with you though, Jeff.
3:18
SPEAKER_02: I never thought the beautiful as this place is, and I'd I'd love to stay here sometime, you know, when I'm not, you know, deported.
3:24
SPEAKER_02: But I never thought that we, as US citizens from birth, would get deported.
3:30
SPEAKER_02: We're about as real American as you can get.
3:32
SPEAKER_02: Well, at least I am.
3:34
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, I do have to say it was really nice of them to give Kathy and Teresa the option of coming with us or staying in Omaha and Chicago.
3:43
SPEAKER_02: You know, that reminds me though, I have to FaceTime Teresa later today when she gets back from her Pilates class.
3:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I agree with you completely.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: I feel like we are Americans, although, in fairness, I may be responsible for this because I still live in a blue state, Illinois.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I guess you can make an argument.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: I'm not quite as American as you are, but you know, I try very hard.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: As far as Kathy's concerned, yeah, I was kind of surprised she didn't want to.
4:10
SPEAKER_00: Well, okay, I wasn't surprised that she didn't want to come to Mexico with us.
4:15
SPEAKER_00: No, no, and plus she signed up for this speed dating class, which actually she started while I was still in Chicago with her, which was, you know, she's been doing that for years, right?
4:26
SPEAKER_00: Well, yeah, and it's I think I membered one.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: I I I sped right into her.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: It's like Kathy, who?
4:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it was basically just to make friends, you know.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: She doesn't make friends real easily, so this way she gets to make friends and share drinks and whatever comes out after that.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm kind of glad she's doing that.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: I'm also looking forward to FaceTiming her later to see how her class went.
4:49
SPEAKER_02: You know, speed dating is a lot of fun, but you really got to be careful.
4:53
SPEAKER_02: You don't want to get pulled over for going too fast.
4:56
SPEAKER_02: That is now a deportable defense.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: Kathy told me this horrible story about deportable offense.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: Oh, not defense, yeah.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: I was thinking I'd been a Bears fan too long.
5:07
SPEAKER_02: I was thinking deep, but offense, right?
5:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, okay.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: But yes, so Kathy was telling me about this thing that happened in their first speed date meeting.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I guess there was this sweet old lady who was just like you said, going really fast in speed dating, you know, nobody really could keep up with her.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: Sure enough, one of the guys in this speed dating group was an ice agent, which nobody knew because you know, obviously he was unmarked right, yeah, yeah, and he had masks and he was he was unmarked, but he ended up getting her, and it was kind of a bad situation.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: We immediately thought, you know, that she was in trouble.
5:46
SPEAKER_02: Wow, you know, those ice agents are everywhere, but I'd like to think that most of our big, brave, mass, and anonymous ice agents, uh, you know, they get lonely too.
5:58
SPEAKER_02: I, you know, I'm I'm surprised that they would want to date partners of illegals, though.
6:02
SPEAKER_02: That kind of gives new meaning to the catch and release program, right?
6:05
SPEAKER_02: So what happened?
6:06
SPEAKER_00: What happened was she was going through all the questions, and just out of nowhere, this guy says that he needs to see her driver's license and registration.
6:16
SPEAKER_02: Pick her up for speeding.
6:17
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: And that was kind of when they knew that he was from ice.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: When she pulled out her wallet, he noticed that she had one of those concealed carry permits.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: And so he asked her, he said, he said, ma'am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?
6:33
SPEAKER_00: And she said that yeah, she had a 38 special in her purse.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: Not the worst thing in the world.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: But then she said she had a 48 in her jacket, a Glock under her chair, and a shotgun in her trunk.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: Needless to say, by the time we had our second meeting, she was an ice agent.
6:53
SPEAKER_02: Wow, you know, that's wonderful.
6:54
SPEAKER_02: She had a 32 gun in her pocket for fun.
6:56
SPEAKER_02: I bet a razor in her shoe, too.
6:58
SPEAKER_02: But you know, it's good to know that our world is a little safer thanks to grannies like her.
7:04
SPEAKER_02: You know, though, Jeff, speaking of safer, even though we got deported, our king sure is making the world safer by criminally kidnapping and deporting undesirables, like you know, like us, I guess.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: He obviously hasn't slowed down at all.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: If anything, he's speeding up.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: I think he's kind of deported all the people from the southern border.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: Now he's working on other parts of the world and the northern border and Canada, and then actually across to different countries all over the place.
7:31
SPEAKER_02: Oh, absolutely.
7:32
SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, Jeff, he's gonna he always need somebody to point to because if he has nobody to point to as the bad guy, somebody might ask him certain questions about certain people he's known in the past and the airplanes he's been on.
7:45
SPEAKER_02: I think you know what I mean.
7:46
SPEAKER_02: He's kind of running out of people to get rid of, you know, and they say that deporting people you don't like, well, that fail the real American test, which kind of the same thing, but deporting them uh can be addictive.
7:58
SPEAKER_02: You know, once you start, uh, it's just hard to stop deporting people from from the country to make it safer and uh, you know, really open up those demeaning, low-pay jobs for those of us, I mean, those of them that are still in the country.
8:11
SPEAKER_02: You know that, Jeff.
8:12
SPEAKER_02: Now that we're in Mexico at this Hilton deportation spa compound, which oh it's great, I had a massage earlier, it was beautiful.
8:18
SPEAKER_02: I've noticed a lot of different kinds of people here.
8:21
SPEAKER_02: I guess they've already started bringing DEI to deportation, would if wouldn't you know, right?
8:26
SPEAKER_02: And a lot of people here have told me their stories on how they got kicked out of America and all kicked out for you know, of course, of course, for good reasons.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you know, if those stories were all the same as ours, that would be one thing, but it sounds like they were completely different and that you know, people experience completely different things.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: And you know, maybe Steve, we ought to go over some of their experiences to kind of help our audience prepare for a possible deportation themselves.
8:53
SPEAKER_02: I can go first if you like.
8:55
SPEAKER_02: I ran into this guy earlier earlier today, Joey Tufano.
8:59
SPEAKER_02: He's from the south side of Chicago.
9:00
SPEAKER_02: Joey says that he was deported last Thursday, right after being picked up at a Lumanati's pizza restaurant.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I love Lumanati's pizza.
9:10
SPEAKER_02: He was waiting for his pepperoni and cheese deep dish, you know.
9:13
SPEAKER_02: And I told him, you know, Joey, you should have gone with the stuffed, but you know, but I digress.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
9:19
SPEAKER_02: He says they took him out back and they gave him the test right there.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: What is interesting is that Joey didn't take the test that we took.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: It was it was a test specifically for illegal Americans with Italian backgrounds, right?
9:35
SPEAKER_00: Which is an interesting group.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's small, but I yeah, you know, I could see how almost any group can be a dangerous group, and uh clearly they have identified them.
9:45
SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, they deposed a fascist a bunch of years ago, so they're definitely Antifa, right?
9:49
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: It ended up that he told us that they asked him just one question, and then he got deported as a result of it.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: So I don't want to give it away in case we you know might get in trouble.
10:00
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what he's doing.
10:01
SPEAKER_02: We already got deported.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: I mean, can they deport us twice?
10:03
SPEAKER_02: I mean, although although, you know, I have heard that the Red Roof Detention Center is not as nice as the Hilton, so I wouldn't want to be sent over there.
10:12
SPEAKER_02: I'll take my chances here.
10:14
SPEAKER_02: Joey was born in Chicago, and his parents were born in Chicago, and his grandparents were born in Chicago, but great-grandpa on his mother's mother's side, if that makes sense, just walked right into the U.S.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: back in 1905.
10:31
SPEAKER_02: So illegal, right?
10:32
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
10:33
SPEAKER_02: Fruit of the poison tree, right?
10:35
SPEAKER_02: Anyway, so his question has to do with uh do with employment.
10:39
SPEAKER_02: The ICE agent said, You can only stay in the country if you can prove that you can work.
10:44
SPEAKER_02: And to do that, he had to answer kind of a skills question.
10:47
SPEAKER_02: Follow he had to answer this question.
10:49
SPEAKER_02: So gave Joey pen and paper, told him that don't use numbers without drawing any numbers, represent the number nine on this paper.
10:57
SPEAKER_02: So Joey says, with no numbers.
11:00
SPEAKER_02: So he says, easy cheesy.
11:02
SPEAKER_02: Now he's still thinking about that pizza, I guess.
11:04
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, yeah, he drew he drew three trees.
11:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, the ice even says, Yeah, what's this?
11:10
SPEAKER_02: What are you doing here?
11:11
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, Joey, Southside guy says, Hey, fuck all.
11:14
SPEAKER_02: Tree and tree and tree makes nine.
11:17
SPEAKER_02: You know, makes sense.
11:19
SPEAKER_02: Hey, can't argue.
11:20
SPEAKER_02: That's exactly what he said, can't argue with that.
11:22
SPEAKER_02: So, same rules, but this time represent the number 99.
11:28
SPEAKER_02: That's our soey says, You're fledging me, right?
11:31
SPEAKER_02: And he picks up this picture, picture he just drew.
11:34
SPEAKER_02: It's still a little wet, so right.
11:35
SPEAKER_02: So he takes his thumb and makes a smudge on each of the trees.
11:39
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
11:40
SPEAKER_02: They're all dirty now, like your mother.
11:43
SPEAKER_02: But these are trees.
11:44
SPEAKER_02: See, they're trees, so it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree.
11:49
SPEAKER_02: That's 99.
11:51
SPEAKER_02: So the ice agent's getting a little mad at this point.
11:53
SPEAKER_02: So he says, All right, well, I'm gonna have to do this one more time, and you know, you better be serious with this.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: You gotta represent the number 100.
12:01
SPEAKER_02: So Joey, Joey's Joey's getting a little pissed off here, too.
12:04
SPEAKER_02: He says, Oh, now you're really juking me.
12:06
SPEAKER_02: And he picks this picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree.
12:09
SPEAKER_02: It's just a little line, right?
12:11
SPEAKER_02: So, here you go, 100.
12:13
SPEAKER_02: As the agent looks, looks at this, you know, you're nuts.
12:19
SPEAKER_02: This isn't a hundred.
12:20
SPEAKER_02: So Joey leans forward, you know, almost like he's talking to, you know, like a Cubs fan or something, just leans forward like a little little child.
12:27
SPEAKER_02: So points to the marks at the base of each tree, says, you know, let's say some mutt, like your mother, takes a crap by each tree.
12:35
SPEAKER_02: So now you got a dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a dird.
12:41
SPEAKER_02: That's 100.
12:42
SPEAKER_02: And you know, they arrested him right after right after that.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: Wow, that was fast.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: I yeah, I he sounds brilliant.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: Sounds like my accountant, actually.
12:52
SPEAKER_02: So um I think he did by taxes a few years ago, in fact.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's right.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: But so that's different than what happened to us.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: We had a bunch of questions, as I recall, but but I guess you know, they know what they're doing since they're ICE agents because they're so well trained.
13:08
SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh, yes.
13:09
SPEAKER_02: I hear that some of their training takes up to three minutes.
13:12
SPEAKER_02: You know, I've heard that in some cases people aren't even administered a test, they just look at them and they know immediately that they need to be deported.
13:20
SPEAKER_02: Uh, it's like spidey sense, but uh maybe icy sense, you know.
13:24
SPEAKER_02: The Supreme Court said it's okay.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: That is so true.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: If they do spend a little bit of time with them, they try to find out quickly if they should be deported because efficiency is the name of the game.
13:35
SPEAKER_00: You're talking about importing, importing, deporting hundreds of people a day per agent.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, you you can't spend forever asking you know 10, 15 questions like they did with us.
13:47
SPEAKER_02: Well, they'll never make their quota.
13:49
SPEAKER_02: They won't make the never won't they won't get the lunch money.
13:52
SPEAKER_02: Christy will have to buy them lunch.
13:53
SPEAKER_02: Oh gosh.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for example, and in this case, it was even faster.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: Down at the pool, I met this very nice Polish lady, again, born on the south side of Chicago, you know, lived there her whole life, and she was taken in.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: They were going to deport her as well.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: But in her test, it had more to do with disabilities because we don't want anybody in this country that has a disability.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you know, taxes all of our systems, it affects employment.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: Think of the shareholders.
14:25
SPEAKER_02: The shareholders will have less money.
14:28
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: No, no, you can't have that.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: You know, we need in a perfect world, Aryan nation type people.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: No, we're we're headed there.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: I I think I think we are.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: So for her, they wanted to administer an eye test.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: You know, one of those eye tests where she stands five feet away and the ice agent asks her to read the third line down.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: The letters were S-I-S-V-T-R-Z T-O-W S-K-I.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: And Alameda, who is this woman, said, read it.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: I fucking know the guy, which wasn't a funny joke and could have had a reason for them deporting her for that, you know, second reason.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: But but clearly they didn't think that she could see very well, so they they shipped her out.
15:13
SPEAKER_02: And you don't think that maybe we were deported because our humor's not funny.
15:18
SPEAKER_02: I mean, we failed that test, honestly, right?
15:21
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it's not we weren't deported for our humor.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
15:25
SPEAKER_02: You know, I don't know.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm now I'm feeling embarrassed.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: I I thought I was funny, but yeah, you know, wow, maybe not.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: I think we're funnier in Mexico.
15:35
SPEAKER_02: Well, we are because if especially those who don't speak English, they think we're hilarious.
15:39
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, exactly.
15:41
SPEAKER_02: But I digress, yeah.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: But you know, you're right about the testing.
15:44
SPEAKER_02: The king never considers one size fits all, you know, at least as far as testing.
15:49
SPEAKER_02: You know, another guy who got deported named Stephen Wong.
15:52
SPEAKER_02: I met him at the bar last time.
15:53
SPEAKER_02: We were doing the Don Julio.
15:55
SPEAKER_02: He was doing Don Julio shots too, and we started talking about the tequila and everything, and I started talking to him a little bit.
16:00
SPEAKER_02: His family's from China, which of course is not the favorite of our king, you know, except when it comes to finger pointing.
16:06
SPEAKER_02: He likes that, not finger painting.
16:08
SPEAKER_02: That's very different.
16:08
SPEAKER_02: Finger pointing, it's kind of like offense defense, yeah.
16:11
SPEAKER_02: He's pretty close.
16:12
SPEAKER_02: Our king is pretty close to deporting all Chinese people, or anyone who even looks Chinese, especially if those Chinese tariffs are lowered.
16:20
SPEAKER_02: I hear he's going to raise the tariff to 83,000 percent.
16:23
SPEAKER_02: But I digress.
16:24
SPEAKER_02: So this in case of uh Stephen Wong here, this ICE agent saw Mr.
16:29
SPEAKER_02: Wong.
16:30
SPEAKER_02: He was at a PF Chang's, which actually is very unusual for anyone who's actually Chinese, but but I digress again.
16:37
SPEAKER_02: He was scratching his balls, he was at a PF Chang's scratching his balls, and of course, and he was eating those delicious lettuce wraps.
16:44
SPEAKER_02: So this Mr.
16:45
SPEAKER_02: Icy, yeah, he ordered some for himself.
16:48
SPEAKER_02: I mean, well, the lettuce wraps is what I'm talking about.
16:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, and he told Mr.
16:52
SPEAKER_02: Wong to see a doctor.
16:54
SPEAKER_02: He said, you know, you better see a doctor or you might get deported.
16:56
SPEAKER_02: Of course, Ice follows him because you know, hey, they can track it all of us.
17:01
SPEAKER_02: So he told Mr.
17:02
SPEAKER_02: Wong to see a doctor and he had checked.
17:04
SPEAKER_02: Wong thought it was only a rash, but it turned out that the doctor he went to told him he had a case of Mongolian VD.
17:11
SPEAKER_02: That sounds like something I once ate at a PF Chanks, but this is actually it's actually a very rare venereal disease.
17:18
SPEAKER_02: And the only cure is you ready for this?
17:21
SPEAKER_02: The only cure is amputation.
17:23
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
17:24
SPEAKER_02: So Mr.
17:24
SPEAKER_02: Wong, of course, he didn't want that.
17:27
SPEAKER_02: And if the ICE agent found out they had disease, it's kind of like your Polish lady there, he's gonna be deported immediately.
17:33
SPEAKER_02: So Mr.
17:34
SPEAKER_02: Wong is panicking, and so he thinks, I you know, Chinese medicine.
17:37
SPEAKER_02: He kind of grew up hearing about Chinese medicine, never really did it himself, but he had heard about it, knew about it.
17:42
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna try some Chinese medicine.
17:44
SPEAKER_02: Fly to China, get a real authentic Chinese medicine guy who can maybe can cure me.
17:49
SPEAKER_02: So flies to China, finds a Chinese medicine guy, doctor examines him and says, Ah, yes, yeah, you got Mongolian VD.
17:58
SPEAKER_02: That's very rare.
18:00
SPEAKER_02: So he says to the doctor, yeah, you know, I already know, but what can we do?
18:04
SPEAKER_02: Uh my American doctor says that amputation is the only cure.
18:07
SPEAKER_02: So that's a Chinese doctor, you know, shakes his head, you know, boy, more American medicine again, you know, they don't know about the old ways of stupid Americans, you know, they always want to amputate, they make more money that way.
18:20
SPEAKER_02: You don't need amputation.
18:21
SPEAKER_02: So Wang is oh, thank god.
18:23
SPEAKER_02: The Chinese secret said, Yeah, no, you don't need amputation.
18:26
SPEAKER_02: You wait two weeks, it's gonna fall off by itself.
18:28
SPEAKER_02: And I apparently it did.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: Since it fell off, why did he get deported since they had uh solved the problem?
18:36
SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, that's now that he is a man without male genitalia, our king labeled him trans and had him deported immediately.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: I have a story about a black guy, his name is Stephen Smith.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: I met him in the lobby.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: He got deported two weeks ago.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: Really impressive guy.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: He was top student in high school and he won the Nebraska State Debate Tournament as a sophomore in high school.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: He earned a scholarship to Harvard where he earned two degrees, one in science and one in math.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: And he was teaching at Northwestern University when they arrested him and deported him.
19:15
SPEAKER_02: Wow, why would he get deported?
19:17
SPEAKER_02: I mean, a guy like that.
19:18
SPEAKER_02: I I can't believe, well, wait, I can't believe I asked that.
19:22
SPEAKER_02: I deserve to be deported again for that senior or Sensor and Cosmel, you know, win in Roma made that senior moment.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: That's all right, Steve.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: You know, and speaking of of senior moments, did you see Chuck Schumer at the pool?
19:38
SPEAKER_00: I didn't even realize he was getting deported.
19:41
SPEAKER_00: Oh man, but obviously it and he really needs to wear a t-shirt because you know he's got those man boobs, and there he is trying to vince everyone to threaten to stay out of the pool so that the hotel will extend the hours of the pool, which you know didn't make any sense to anybody.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, the hotel didn't really give a shit if anybody went swimming, so nobody had access to the pool at the end of the day.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Grandpa Chuck.
20:08
SPEAKER_02: You know, actually, that reminds me, there's another person who had an amazing story that I heard.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: And speaking of celebrities and speaking of senators, you're you're gonna love this.
20:19
SPEAKER_02: It is none other than Ted Cruz.
20:22
SPEAKER_02: I can't believe it.
20:23
SPEAKER_02: Although he did mildly criticize Republicans about firing Jimmy Kimmel and targeting liberals to uh to be erased.
20:31
SPEAKER_02: He said he wasn't completely on board with it, so that's probably why he got deported.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: I think he said that he hated Jimmy Kimmel and he was glad it happened to him, but he wasn't a hundred thousand percent on board with it, right?
20:45
SPEAKER_00: So he was that was a pretty radical position.
20:47
SPEAKER_02: He didn't burn with that Nuremberg rally fervor that they really expect.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: So that is true, and he has been pretty open, and when I say open, I mean silent about getting all the information about Epstein out, even if it would mean that it could hurt our king, that alone would get you deported.
21:04
SPEAKER_02: To quote Senator Ted, can we all stop criticizing pedophiles?
21:09
SPEAKER_02: I mean, there you go.
21:10
SPEAKER_02: Maybe being a senator in a border state to Mexico, yeah, maybe he's here to check out conditions.
21:16
SPEAKER_02: I mean, they would give him oversight.
21:18
SPEAKER_02: Schumer's not here for oversight, they wouldn't let him in for that.
21:20
SPEAKER_02: But Ted Cruz, they might.
21:22
SPEAKER_02: How many other politicians are here?
21:24
SPEAKER_02: I haven't seen any others, uh, well than Schumer who got deported.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: I I haven't either.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: Although I'm just saying, if you were gonna deport two politicians that are really annoying, you know, Chuck Schumer and Ted Cruz are not a bad choice.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: They're not the worst choice in the world.
21:42
SPEAKER_02: No, if you have to take one from each side, that's actually a pretty good pick.
21:46
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, so and maybe that is why the king threw them out, you know, it was a good time to do that since he was taking control of the Senate.
21:55
SPEAKER_02: So wait, wait, wait, wait.
21:57
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I know why Ted's here.
21:59
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
21:59
SPEAKER_02: I got the TV on with the sound off in the background.
22:02
SPEAKER_02: Hurricane Jeffrey is hitting Texas right now.
22:05
SPEAKER_02: That means it's time for the Cruise family to take a vacation.
22:07
SPEAKER_02: And where else would they go?
22:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they went to Cancun last time, so they they crossed over the bay and now they're over in Cosmell.
22:14
SPEAKER_02: Anyway, hey Ted, welcome.
22:15
SPEAKER_02: You know, have a Don Julio on me.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: That felt really good to help our fellow deportees to kind of go through all this.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, welcome, Ted.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: Ted being here kind of really makes me want to go home.
22:26
SPEAKER_02: So yeah.
22:28
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I just the fact that I'm under theoretically the same roof.
22:32
SPEAKER_02: It's a big roof.
22:33
SPEAKER_02: There are hundreds of rooms, but still, in theory, we're under the same roof as Ted.
22:37
SPEAKER_02: And I'm starting to itch a little bit, you know what I mean?
22:39
SPEAKER_02: I'm like that guy Wong, you know, I'm starting to scratch everywhere, not just my balls, but everywhere.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: Speaking of having your balls scratch, I have a massage schedule for 10.
22:50
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm doing this evening.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: What about you, Steve?
22:52
SPEAKER_02: I was gonna take a swim, but you know, it looks like good old Ted trapped in the pool again.
22:57
SPEAKER_02: So it's not in session.
22:59
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it's closed, right?
23:01
SPEAKER_02: So shout out to Chuck for protesting dirty pools all over the world, especially.
23:06
SPEAKER_02: Boy, he's really been strong with the Siberian protest.
23:08
SPEAKER_02: So, but you know, after all that, after your massage, maybe I'll catch you for dinner.
23:13
SPEAKER_02: Uh, here they got a Tex-Mex buffet.
23:15
SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh, wait, no, no, no.
23:16
SPEAKER_02: The servers at the buffet are Tex-Mex deportees.
23:20
SPEAKER_00: Cool.
23:21
SPEAKER_00: Well, then let's do that.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: And I yeah, I feel good about where we are.
23:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of hoping we will not have to do this show from here.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: And I don't want to go to the red roof either.
23:31
SPEAKER_00: And maybe we'll be back home at least before Kathy goes to her third speed dating meeting.
23:36
SPEAKER_02: Boy, I hope so.
23:37
SPEAKER_02: And you know, normally at this point in the show, we would have Johnny take us out of the show.
23:42
SPEAKER_02: But you know what?
23:43
SPEAKER_02: I didn't even call that trader to ask him how hard can what he does be.
23:48
SPEAKER_02: I mean, come on, it's Johnny.
23:50
SPEAKER_02: How hard is it, right?
23:51
SPEAKER_02: I bet I can do it.
23:52
SPEAKER_02: And I bet I can do it better than him.
23:55
SPEAKER_02: So watch me now.
23:56
SPEAKER_02: Hey, this has been a No Kings production in association with really No Kings media.
24:03
SPEAKER_02: Read all about Steve and Jeff at their website, StephenJoff.com.
24:06
SPEAKER_02: This is not Johnny speaking, and Johnny, wherever you are, I hope you come to your senses.
24:12
SPEAKER_02: My mom misses you for some reason.
24:14
SPEAKER_02: Probably because you always pick up the pop up vodka for her.
24:17
SPEAKER_02: Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.
24:19
SPEAKER_02: Good night.
24:21
SPEAKER_00: Fuck you, Johnny.