Latest / Stoiq / When You Stop Being Available, Everything Changes Carl Jung

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When You Stop Being Available, Everything Changes Carl Jung · Stoiq

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You're tired, not the kind of tired sleep fixes deeper.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: You show up for everyone, answer every text, solve every problem,
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: keep every door open. You're the reliable one, the one
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: who never says no, and somehow you're disappearing. There's a
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: weight you carry that nobody sees. It lives in your chest,
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: in the spaces between breaths. You give and give, and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: the world just takes. Nobody asks if you're okay. They
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: don't need to. You're always available. But here's what they
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: don't tell you. Constant availability is a slow drain on
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: your soul. It's not generosity, its self abandonment. Carl Jung
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: understood something most people miss. When you're always there for others,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: you're never there for yourself. The person you become is
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: a ghost, a reflection of everyone else needs. You think
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: you're being kind, you're actually disappearing. But there's another way.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: When you stop being available, truly stop, something shifts, not
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: just in how others see you, in how you see yourself.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Boundaries aren't walls, their declarations. This isn't about becoming cold,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: It's about becoming real. When you reclaim your energy, your time,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: your silence, everything changes and that change. It starts the
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: moment you choose yourself. If you're ready to choose yourself
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: type I choose me in the comments. Let's be honest
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: about what constant availability really looks like. You wake up
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: and within minutes you're scrolling through messages, emails, notifications, requests.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Someone needs something and you respond and immediately, because that's
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: what you do. You're dependable. You're there lunch break, you're
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: listening to a friend vent about their problems. Evening, you're
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: helping someone move, watching their dog, giving advice you've already
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: given three times before weekend. There's always someone who needs you,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: and you tell yourself, this is what good people do.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Good people show up, good people don't let others down.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: But here's the truth nobody wants to say out loud.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: You're exhausted, not just physically, emotionally. You feel hollowed out,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: like you're performing a role rather than living a life.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: You smile, you nod, you help, but inside there's a
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: growing emptiness. Jong called this living from the persona. The
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: persona is the mask you wear to meet the world's expectations.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: It's the helpful friend, the always available colleague, the selfless
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: family member, and The more you wear this mask, the
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: more you forget who you actually are beneath it. The
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: persona feeds on approval. It thrives when others need you.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: It feels validated when you're indispensable. But it comes at
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: a devastating cost, the death of your true self. Think
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: about it. When was the last time you sat in
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: silence and asked yourself what you actually wanted? Not what
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: your partner wants, not what your boss expects, not what
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: your parents hope for. What do you want? You probably
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: can't answer that question quickly, because constant availability doesn't just
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: drain your time, it disconnects you from your inner voice.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: You become so attuned to everyone else's frequency that you
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: lose your own signal. And here is where it gets darker.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: People start to expect your availability. They don't appreciate it.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: They assume it. When you don't respond immediately, They're annoyed
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: when you can't help. They're disappointed. You've trained them to
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: see you as a resource, not a person. You notice patterns.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Certain people only reach out when they need something. The
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: conversation is always about them. They never ask how you're doing,
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: and when they do, it's perfunctory. They don't actually want
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: to know, they're just being polite before getting to what
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: they really need. You feel used, but you can't say
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: that out loud because it sounds selfish. Good people don't
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: complain about helping others. Right wrong. Young understood that what
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: we reject in ourselves, our anger, our boundaries, our need
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: to say no, doesn't disappear it he goes into the shadow.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: The shadow is everything you've disowned to maintain your persona,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: and the shadow always finds a way to speak. Maybe
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: it speaks through resentment that simmers beneath your pleasant exterior.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's the passive aggressive comment that slips out. Maybe
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: it's the exhaustion that keeps you in bed longer than
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: you'd like, your body forcing rest that your mind won't grant.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Your shadow is trying to tell you something. This isn't sustainable.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Constant availability also invites manipulation, not always conscious manipulation. Sometimes
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: people don't even realize they're doing it. But when you
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: have no boundaries, others will fill that space. They'll take
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: as much as you give, and they'll rarely think about
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: the cost to you. There's a painful irony here. You
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: think being always available will make people value you more.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: You think it will secure love, friendship, respect, but the
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: opposite happens. The more available you are, the less people
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: respect your time. The more you give, the less they
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: appreciate it, because people don't value what comes too easily.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Jung also spoke about the collective unconscious, those shared patterns
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: and expectations that shape human behavior. One of those patterns
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: is that society rewards self sacrifice, especially in certain roles.
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  Speaker 1: Women are expected to be nurturing and available. Men are
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: expected to be stoic providers. Workers are expected to go
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: above and beyond. These collective expectations burrow into your psyche.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: You internalize them. You believe that your worth is measured
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: by how much you give, how available you are, how
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: little you ask for yourself. But this is a trap,
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: a cage built from invisible expectations, and the longer you
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: stay in it, the more disconnected you become, not just
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: from others, but from the person you were meant to be.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: You start to feel like you're living someone else's life.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: You're making choices based on what others need, not on
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  Speaker 1: what calls to you. Your dreams sit on a shelf,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: gathering dust. Your passions fade, your energy, once vibrant, becomes
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: a dull hum of obligation. This is the before state,
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: the unconscious life, the life where you've given yourself away
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: peace by piece until there's almost nothing left, and deep
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: down you know something has to change, you just don't
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: know how. There's usually a moment, a breaking point. Maybe
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: it's when you cancel plans with yourself for the third
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: time in a week because someone else needed you. Maybe
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: it's the message that comes in at midnight assuming you'll respond.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's the friend who only calls when they're in crisis,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: never when things are good. Or maybe it's quieter than that.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're sitting alone finally, and instead of feeling peaceful,
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: you feel nothing, empty, like you've been running on autopilot
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: for so long that you've forgotten how to feel anything real.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: This is the moment Jung would call the encounter with
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: the shadow, the moment when everything you've been suppressing, your exhaustion,
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  Speaker 1: your anger, your desperate need for space, rises to the
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: surface and refuses to be ignored any more. And it's
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable because admitting that you're tired of being available feels
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: like admitting you're not a good person. It feels selfish, ungrateful, mean.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: But here's what Jung understood. That guilt you feel isn't
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: your truth. It's the voice of the persona terrified of
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  Speaker 1: losing its identity. The persona has built itself on being needed.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: If you're not needed, who are you? This is the
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: question that terrifies people into staying available forever. But it's
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: also the question that, when truly faced, sets you free.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Young taught that individuation, the process of becoming your true self,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: requires separation, not physical isolation, necessarily, but psychological differentiation. You
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: have to separate yourself from the collective expectations, from the
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: rolls others have assigned you, from the version of yourself
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: that exists only to serve. This means doing something radical,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: withdrawing your energy not from malice, not from bitterness, but
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: from necessity. You start saying no, not with long explanations
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: or apologies, but with simple honesty. I can't do that.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: That doesn't work for me. I need some time to myself.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: And the guilt comes flooding in because you've been conditioned
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: to believe that saying no is hurtful, that boundaries are
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: barriers that kneading space means you don't care. But watch
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: what happens when you sit with that guilt. Instead of
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: immediately soothing it by saying yes, watch how it reveals
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: itself not as moral guidance, but as fear. Fear of
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: disappointing others, fear of being seen as selfish, fear of
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: being abandoned. Jung would tell you to get curious about
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: that fear. Where did it come from? Who taught you
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: that your worth depends on your availability? What part of
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: you believes you're only lovable when you're useful. These aren't
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: easy questions, and the answers often lead back to childhood,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: to early relationships, to moments when love felt conditional, when
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: you learned that being good meant sacrificing yourself. But now,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: as an adult, you have a choice. You can continue
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: living from that wounded place, or you can begin the
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: work of reclaiming yourself. This is where conscious silence becomes essential.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Jung believed deeply in the necessity of solitude for psychological growth,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: not loneliness. Solitude time alone with yourself, without distraction, without
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: the noise of others needs. In silence, you can finally
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: hear your own thoughts. You can feel your own feelings
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  Speaker 1: without immediately trying to fix them or push them away.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: You can ask yourself the questions you've been avoiding. What
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: do I actually want? What do I need? What have
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: I been tolerating that I shouldn't. This is uncomfortable work,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: because when you've spent years defining yourself through others, being
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: alone with yourself can feel like sitting with a stranger.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: But this stranger is you, the real you, the you
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: that exists beyond the rolls and masks and expectations, and
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: getting to know this person requires boundaries, firm ones. You
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: start protecting your time. You stop responding immediately to every message,
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  Speaker 1: You let calls go to voicemail. You decline invitations without
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  Speaker 1: elaborate excuses. You create space in your schedule that belongs
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: to you and you alone. And here's what happens. Some
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: people get upset. The ones who benefited most from your
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: constant availability will be the first to call you selfish.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: They'll guilt trip you, they'll act wounded. They'll test your
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: boundaries to see if you really mean it. This is
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: the test, and it's crucial because how people respond to
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  Speaker 1: your boundaries tells you everything you need to know. About
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: the relationship. People who truly care about you will respect
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: your needs, even if it's inconvenient for them. People who
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: only valued you for what you provided will disappear or
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: lash out. And as painful as that is, it's also clarifying.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: You're not losing real relationships. You're revealing which relationships were
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: transactional all along. Jung spoke about the necessary loneliness of individuation.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: When you begin to live authentically, you will feel alone
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: at times because you're no longer part of the unconscious collective.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: You're no longer playing the game everyone else is playing.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: But this loneliness is different from the emptiness you felt before.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: This loneliness is fertile. It's the space where your true
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: self can finally emerge. You're not abandoning the world. You're
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: preparing to engage with it differently from a place of
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: wholeness rather than depletion, from choice rather than obligation. This
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: bridge is difficult to cross. There will be moments when
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: you want to go back to being available because it
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: feels easier, safer, more familiar. But once you've tasted what
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: it feels like to choose yourself to protect your energy,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: to live from your center. You can't unknow it. The
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: bridge isn't instant. It's a process, days and weeks and
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: months of small choices of honoring your boundaries even when
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: it's hard, of sitting with discomfort instead of immediately soothing
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: it by saying yes. But with each choice, you reclaim
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: a piece of yourself, and slowly everything begins to shift.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Here's what nobody tells you about reclaiming your availability. It
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: doesn't just change your schedule, it changes your entire existence.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: When you first start setting boundaries, you notice the space
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: literal time that's now yours, hours that used to belong
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: to others, emergencies, requests, demands, and at first that space
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: might feel strange, you might even feel guilty for having it.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: But then something shifts. You start filling that space with yourself,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: with things you've been putting off for years. You read
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: that book, you take that walk, you sit in a
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: coffee shop and just think, you create something, You rest
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: without apologizing for it, and you realize this is what
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: life feels like when you're actually living it. Your energy returns,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: not all at once, it's gradual, but you notice you're
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: not as exhausted at the end of the day. You're
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: not carrying everyone else's emotional weight. Your shoulders feel lighter,
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: your breath comes easier. Jung understood that psychic energy is finite.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: When you're constantly available, that energy scatters in a thousand directions,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: leaving you depleted. But when you set boundaries, you're not
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: being stingy, you're being wise. You're directing your energy toward
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: what truly matters, including your own development. And here's the
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: paradox that surprises everyone. When you become less available, you
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: become more present. Think about it. When you were always available,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: were you really there or were you half listening while
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: mentally cataloging the seventeen other things you needed to do?
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Were you genuinely engaged or were you just going through
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: the motions, counting the minutes until you could leave. Now,
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: when you choose to show up for someone, you're fully
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: there because you're not resentful, you're not depleted. You've chosen
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: this consciously from a place of genuine desire rather than obligation.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: Your relationships change. The shallow ones fall away. The people
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: who only wanted you for what you could provide drift off,
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: and honestly, you don't miss them. You thought you would,
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: but you don't. What remains and what begins to grow
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: are relationships based on mutual respect. People who understand that
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: you have a life, boundaries, needs of your own. People
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: who don't take your time for granted. People who show
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: up for you the way you show up for them.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: These relationships feel feel different, lighter, more honest. There's no
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: score keeping, no resentment simmering beneath pleasant conversation, just genuine
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: connection between two people who each have their own centers.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Jung called this relationship between individuated people. When two people
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: have done their inner work, have faced their shadows, have
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: established their own sense of self. Their connection isn't based
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: on need or dependency. It's based on choice, on genuine affinity,
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: and these are the relationships worth having. You also notice
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: how differently people treat you. This is fascinating and a
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: little unsettling at first. The same people who used to
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: text you at all hours now respect your time. The
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: ones who used to make last minute demands now plan ahead.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: The ones who used to take you for granted now
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: express appreciation. You didn't become a different person, you just
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: stopped tolerating behavior that diminished you. There's a concept in psychology.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: You teach people how to treat you. When you had
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: no boundaries, you taught people that your time and energy
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: were infinite and free. Now you're teaching them something different,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: and the ones who matter learn quickly. Your relationship with
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: yourself transforms. Most of all, you start trusting your own
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: judgment again. You stop second guessing every decision, wondering if
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: your being too selfish, too rigid, too much, or not enough.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: You develop what Jung called the transcendent function, the ability
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: to hold tension between opposites. You can be compassionate and boundaried,
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: generous and self protective, open and selective. You're no longer
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: driven by unconscious guilt or fear. You're making conscious choices
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: aligned with your values, your energy, your truth. You discover
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: interests and passions you'd forgotten. That creative project you abandoned
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: years ago. You pick it up again. That dream you
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: shelved because there was never time, You start taking steps
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: toward it. Because now you have something you didn't have before, agency,
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: the sense that your life belongs to you, not to
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: every one else's expectations. This doesn't mean life becomes perfect.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: Individuation isn't about achieving some permanent state of bliss. You'll
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: still have hard days, you'll still face challenges, you'll still
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: sometimes question whether you're doing the right thing. But now
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: you're questioning from a place of strength rather than exhaustion.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: You're navigating challenges with resources rather than from empty You're
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: building a life that reflects who you actually are, not
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: who others needed you to be. People sometimes ask if
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: you're lonely living this way. They don't understand how you
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: can be so comfortable, saying no, creating space being unavailable.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: But you're not lonely. You're finally complete. There's a difference
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: between isolation and solitude. Isolation is imposed, painful, disconnected. Solitude
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: is chosen, restorative, deeply connected to yourself. Jung spent years
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: of his life in relative solitude, doing his inner work.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: He understood that the path to genuine connection with others
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: runs directly through connection with yourself. When you stop being
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: available to everything, you become available to what matters, to
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: meaningful work, to real relationships, to your own becoming, and
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: that changes everything. So here's what you need to understand.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: With drawing your constant availability isn't selfish, it's essential. It's
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: the difference between living authentically and slowly disappearing into everyone
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: else's needs. Jung spent his life studying what it means
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: to become whole, and his answer was clear. You cannot
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: find yourself in the chaos of constant availability. You find
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: yourself in the quiet, in the boundaries, in the sacred
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: space you create and protect. When you stop being available,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: you're not rejecting the world. You're preparing to engage with
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: it honestly, from fullness rather than emptiness, from choice rather
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: than compulsion. The people who matter will understand the relationships
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: worth having, will deepen. The life you're meant to live,
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: will finally have roomed to unfold. This isn't about becoming
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: cold or isolated. It's about becoming real. Your energy is precious,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: your time is finite. Your presence is a gift, not
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: an obligation. Protect it, guard it, honor it. Because when
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: you reclaim yourself, everything changes and you you finally come
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: home to yourself. Start now, if you're ready to stop
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: disappearing and start reclaiming your energy, leave a comment below.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I reclaim myself and subscribe to the stoic mode and
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: turn on notifications. This is just the beginning of your
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: individuation journey. Thank you for being here, live, authentic,