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22 year old daughter problems · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and I'm going to answer an email today from a concerned mom about her twenty-two-year-old daughter and the choices she is making.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in shrink ink.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Your answers to life relationships and daily living.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm doing something a little bit different today.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually doing a live broadcast.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've never done one of these before, so it's being sent out into the interwebs, and I'm not sure exactly how it's supposed to work here.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, if if you are tuning in, if you're listening, um there and you click on the link, you can chat with me and ask me questions while I'm talking, which is kind of a cool little thing.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but then I think once I stop the recording, it just uh publishes to the podcast.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm live.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm gonna try this today, see how it works out, and may never do it again.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I may try to do it more consistently.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: But today, I've got a question from Terry.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have no idea again.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: When people email me, I don't know if it's their real name.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just gonna assume it is.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Terry is emailing me about her 22-year-old daughter.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, Doc David.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if this is something that you can help me with or not.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter lives with two other roommates about an hour away.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: These roommates are from when she was attending college.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: She no longer attends college.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then in parentheses, she used the money she was supposed to pay for a semester on who knows what.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: She says she can't remember.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's this is me talking again.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's illegal, because I know of people that have done that, that they uh get suspended from the school and they have to pay it back, I think.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, um she has no car, hers broke down, just got let go from a temp job because of not doing um because of no doing of her own, so she says.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Says she has no way of getting a new job because of no car.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I do not pay any of her bills.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to see her sink any further in her life.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I just want her to realize that her decisions can produce bad outcomes.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just wondering if the best advice is to give her another chance in life and get her a car to help her out finding a job or do nothing at all.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: It seems doing nothing at all hasn't worked, and like I said, I don't want her to sink down any further where she is in a hole and can't get out.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Any advice would be appreciated.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks and have a great day.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you, Terry.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I will try to have a great day.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: So um this is not as uncommon as people think.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And in a lot of the families that I work with, kids are often making poor choices about things, and um the poor choices are exacerbated because parents want to protect.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think as a parent myself, I definitely want to protect my kids because I love them.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to have great experiences in life, I want them to be safe, um, I want them to enjoy their friend.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of times uh what I will do is uh I'll make poor parenting choices.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, even me.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I make poor parenting choices.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: So here's an example of a poor parenting choice.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say my son, who is 18, um, he's living at home, he's what I call a dependent minor, or a dependent adult and a dependent minor.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um so he does something, I don't know, you know, doesn't do a chore, because he has chores.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so consequence is okay, give me your phone, give me your iPod, or um you're not allowed to go out with your friends for a few days.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's always um it's always gonna be different.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's not not gonna be a consistent uh punishment because it's a lot of it's gonna depend on um w what the thing is that he did.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um and that definitely is a topic for another podcast.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, does the does the punishment fit the crime, basically, is the idea.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: So uh in the midst of his punishment, or in the midst of one of my daughter's consequences or something like that, there's this part of me that wants to relent.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's the there's a part of me that wants to say, no, okay, you're being such a good kid, I will uh undo this consequence.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I have in the past, my wife has done that as well.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because we want our kids to have an enjoyable life.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to have to give them consequences, but um when I do that um when I undo the consequence, that in my opinion, I mean in hindsight, is is poor parenting because we're not there to be friends to our kids, we are there to help them become independent adults, and one way you do that is you show them that there are serious consequences.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now Terry, in this instance, so my kid lives with me, but in this instance, um, your kid is not living with you, and I think she's experiencing full force that her choices have consequences.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if if what she is saying is true, if what you're reporting to me in your um question is true, she is she's not the sense I'm getting is that she's not fully experiencing yet experiencing it yet.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: She's um there's a part of her I think that's relying on you to come through.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so that may have to do with the past, where maybe in the past you've um come through for her when she's been in a pinch, and so there's kind of this reliance, oh Ma, I know that if things get really bad, mom will just show up and pay for things for me or do things for me.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I don't know, that that seems like what what could be going on because if I was her age, knowing what I know now, see that's the thing, knowing what I know now, if I was her age, I would suspend all kind of spending and immediately find a place, my parents' house, to live where I didn't have to pay rent.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if she's not doing that, I I get a sense then that she's not fully realizing the predicament that she's in.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's important to uh help your kid, you know, if if they are acting appropriately.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: But if they're acting inappropriately, I th inappropriately, I don't think there's any reason that you should be helping her.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is all gonna be solved by communication.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think clarity of communication is gonna be important in a situation like this.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um I think you need to go, if you decide, okay, I'm gonna help her out, I think you need to go into this helping mode with some upfront agreements with her that you will actually stick with, and you have to be under the assumption that she will not stick with agreements that you make.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so you have you're gonna have to be okay with these agreements that you make.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you make an agreement that's outrageous and isn't is unreasonable, you're just setting yourself up for frustration and failure.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um if she's not willing to do anything different in her life, like suspend going out partying on the weekends, um, being more forthright and honest about things, um, then you do not need to be supporting her because I think from your description of like she's not an independent adult.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's kind of dependent still and she's not like moving forward and she's kind of stuck in yes, she's probably in a hole, and yes, you can throw her a lifeline to help her get out of the hole, but I think you have to be very clear on what helping her get out of the hole means.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean here's a car, enjoy, and then you know, you pay the insurance and uh you fill it up with gas or you send her gift cards for gas.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: It means here's a car, you are allowed to have it for a certain period of time.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't have a job by that period of time, you need to move back home and find a job around here so that you're not having to pay rent and things like that.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um so you I I think that I think she is hoping that you're gonna save her.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um but I don't think she's thinking because this people don't think this.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: People don't think that they're making poor choices.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: They just think they want the easiest way out of of things often.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so she I think she probably sees you as a way to get out of these things because hey, you have money, you can help me out, so why don't you?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're my mom, you should be helping me.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I think that would show the attitude and the mindset of a dependent adult, and you should be raising or you should have raised or tried to raise an independent adult.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so now here's your opportunity to allow her to move off from being dependent to independent.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and that's why if you do um decide to help her, then there's gonna be these specific things that you need to um get focused on.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I think agreements and and clarity of communication are two of the things that can really help your daughter be successful.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's gonna be hard for you, Terry, because we as parents don't want to see our kids suffer and she's suffering is what it sounds like.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so parents will bend over backwards and do crazy things in order to help their kids not suffer.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And my suggestion to you is that you don't do crazy things, that you be reasonable.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't be reasonable, if you don't think you're gonna be able to be reasonable with with her, then you bring in a third party, and that's why having a person like me, a therapist that's you know, kind of not connected emotionally to either of you, maybe there's a grandparent.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: No s scratch that.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't bring the grandparent in because they'll be even more sucked into wanting to help her.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: But uh you didn't mention if you have a partner, and so maybe it's you and your partner sitting down and coming up with some ideas on how to help her and negotiating, because negotiating is um a key thing that independent adults are able to do.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you have you have the power in the negotiation here because you have something that she wants.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um she really doesn't have anything that you want.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I think a clear um a a clear agreement about things is is in order.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um hopefully that was helpful, Terry.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um hey everyone, feel free to send me more emails at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And feel free to go to Facebook and like my Facebook page.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I post things on there.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's called uh DocDavid.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if you search for DocDavid on Facebook, you should be able to find me.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And again, if you have questions, headshrink at gmail.com.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening and have a great day.