Latest / Unlocking The Paradigm Portal / Open the Box: Pandora, Generational Trauma, and the Patterns Running Your Life

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Open the Box: Pandora, Generational Trauma, and the Patterns Running Your Life · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

0:00
Good morning and welcome back to Unlocking the Paradigm Portal.
0:03
My name is Sarah. So today's episode is a Sunday
0:09
deep dive and I'm going to dive into a very cool moment that I
0:13
have every day. And sometimes it sticks a little
0:17
harder and sometimes it doesn't. And when I have these moments, I
0:23
will have the coolest insights that come out of them.
0:25
And the one that came yesterday ended up being extremely
0:28
profound and is laying the groundwork for every episode
0:31
this week. So I have this moment that I
0:33
call my quietude and it is my Zen moment in the morning right
0:38
before I get up. And it's like when you just when
0:42
I start to wake up, but I'm not fully awake, but I'm not still
0:45
asleep. And my like the threads for my
0:47
dream are merging with that waking reality.
0:51
And it's like watching puzzle pieces swirl together.
0:55
And sometimes they just swirl and I just lay there quietly and
1:00
peacefully. And other times the pieces come
1:03
together and they make a picture, a phrase, something.
1:08
And the phrase that came into my head yesterday morning is
1:12
Pandora's box is liberation. And I usually, it just makes
1:18
total sense that one, I had this full physical feeling of, Oh, my
1:24
God, yes. And then as I woke up more, I
1:27
was like, where the hell did that come from?
1:31
So rather than just, you know, get up for the day, I dug
1:35
around, I found my work bag and I managed to like find my
1:39
journal. And I just scribbled that line
1:41
down, climbed back into bed and dozed off because I wasn't
1:44
totally awake yet. And then I got thinking about
1:47
that and I was like, what the heck is that?
1:50
But I feel like when something that crystal clear comes through
1:53
and I've had this happen my whole life, there's a reason for
1:56
it. And so I when I woke up for the
2:00
second time, no quietude that time because it wasn't still
2:02
pitch black, I sat with it and I let it kind of come together.
2:08
And so then I started thinking, I know Pandora, I know about the
2:11
box and all of that stuff. And for anyone who doesn't know,
2:16
Pandora was made by Hephaestus who was like the Craftsman God
2:21
basically think he was a God, and by Zeus who is a total
2:25
asshole to be given to Prometheus for giving fire to
2:31
the humans. Which if you know that one, Zeus
2:33
was really pissed about it. And I think was that the one
2:39
where his stomach kept getting pecked out?
2:42
Or was it the one where you had to keep pushing the rock up the
2:44
hill? I can't remember which one.
2:46
If anyone remembers, let me know.
2:47
Actually, I can go look up my mythology books when I'm done
2:50
here. But he did it.
2:53
He created this woman who was like perfection basically as a
2:56
man trap and sent her with the sealed box.
2:59
And she ended up opening the box and unleashing all things awful
3:04
grief, plague, rage, all the things onto the world.
3:08
But then she snapped it shut again.
3:10
And what was left trapped inside the box was hope.
3:13
So as always with a lot of these old stories, you know, women are
3:17
the cause of all things evil being unleashed upon the world.
3:22
Eve, sorry, just saying because, you know, don't be curious.
3:27
And frankly, I have a feeling a few people clicked off hearing
3:30
that. If you have an issue with things
3:32
being questioned, this is definitely not the place for
3:34
you. So I'm looking into Pandora and
3:39
I'm like, what the hell is this all about?
3:42
And the box and everything that escaped and how it was a
3:47
cautionary tale about curiosity being the issue.
3:51
And I mean, isn't there even the phrase curiosity killed the cat?
3:55
Like, if you actually stop and think about all of these things
3:59
that we hear that we repeat and don't even think about, it's
4:03
bullshit. Like it is complete and utter
4:07
bullshit. And we're telling people through
4:11
these phrases and we're drilling it into our head.
4:14
Curiosity is a bad thing. And I can't fathom that because
4:20
that's like my #1 trait in life. Maybe that's why this gets me
4:23
really fired up. But so I got sitting with that
4:26
whole thought and I was like, why would curiosity be this
4:31
catastrophe? And what if the box was not the
4:35
problem? What if the problem was that it
4:38
was sealed in the 1st place? Like sealed trying to keep away
4:42
all of the negative things instead of acknowledging that
4:46
that is a crucial and integral part of life.
4:49
Like you cannot avoid the difficult feelings because
4:53
that's that's part of like living is not meant to stay in
4:56
neutral. It's it's not meant to stay in
5:00
Shades of Grey and black and white.
5:02
It's meant to be Technicolor. It's the Wizard of Oz when color
5:05
finally came into it. And it's just a funny little
5:08
side note. When my kids watch that for the
5:10
first time when they were little, I remember my son
5:13
turning to me and going, Mom, when you were little, did you
5:17
have TV with color? And I was like, yeah, kid, I'm
5:21
not that old, thanks, you big jerk.
5:24
But so life is meant to be the highs and the lows in the up and
5:29
the down. I mean, not dramatically so, but
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you have to feel the lows to appreciate the highs.
5:35
And when you're in the high, you appreciate it even more because
5:38
you know what the low feels like.
5:40
And things are meant to be vivid and colorful and experiences and
5:45
not always happy go lucky shoving things down.
5:50
And I know a lot of people choose to live like that and I'm
5:54
questioning why. I'm wondering if there was a
5:59
thread that ties through the family that you just don't do
6:03
that. Like when you were a little kid
6:05
and had tough feelings, did people try to coddle and placate
6:09
or tell you to distract and numb and avoid?
6:12
Which by the way, think of the messaging of that.
6:15
It's done from a place of love I'm sure, because nobody wants
6:19
to see their kid struggling. However, what that is conveying
6:24
is big feelings are scary, don't go there.
6:28
And then you grow up feeling big feelings are scary, don't go
6:32
there. And then that's what you do with
6:34
your kids. And then you spend your whole
6:35
life shoving everything into the box and keeping it sealed.
6:41
Crazy, right? So the thing with like sealing
6:47
off the box is that it doesn't mean that that stuff isn't still
6:52
there and it doesn't mean that that box is going to like sit up
6:57
on the shelf and not do anything.
6:59
It might leak. And no matter what, even if it
7:03
doesn't leak or the seal cracks or whatever, it's going to shape
7:07
the room around it and the temperature like the emotional
7:10
weather. And it's going to change the way
7:14
the emotional weather in the family dynamic is operating.
7:18
And nobody's going to be able to name why, because it probably
7:22
the box got created long before you came around.
7:25
So then it's just, this is what we do.
7:28
So that's another question, actually.
7:30
Do you have anything in your family that it's just a known
7:33
fact like this is what we do. And I'll tell you, one in my
7:37
family is, and this isn't a bad thing, but it definitely
7:42
ingrained itself in my how I viewed myself as a kid.
7:47
My family's very athletic. My dad was a basketball coach
7:51
forever. My brother is a coach.
7:53
My other brother has coached. I've coached like we all just, I
7:57
think my sister, at least one of my sisters has coached maybe
8:00
both of them. But we all, we were very
8:03
athletic. My dad was even the athletic
8:05
director and about and like the gym teacher and all of that.
8:10
So sports are what we do. And it was just known and I
8:13
remember growing up knowing that.
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And even though I enjoyed sports, but what I found was I
8:18
wanted to play for fun. And because I came from a very
8:24
athletic family, I felt I had to be this super competitive
8:28
person. So in like, and it wasn't
8:30
anything anyone ever said to me, but it was just in this, this is
8:34
what we do. We're athletes, we play and we
8:37
play hard and we make sure that we are the best.
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And I ended up, it kind of sucked the joy out of it for me.
8:45
And I definitely, again, nobody said a word, but I felt if I
8:50
didn't do sports, then what was my worth?
8:53
By the way, there's some of my unworthy wound that I referenced
8:56
back to last week. And it just, it shaped a lot of
9:02
how I viewed myself. And it wasn't just me.
9:05
I remember in high school, I was, I played soccer.
9:10
Soccer was my personal jam. And I remember warming up in one
9:14
of the referees kicked a ball at me and it hit me on my butt.
9:19
And he goes, hey, we're we're calling captains.
9:22
I'm sure you're up here. There's always one of you and
9:24
your family here. And I remember just being like,
9:27
yeah, you're right. Because I'm the youngest.
9:29
So there was always one of us playing at all times, basically.
9:33
But to even have a referee who didn't know me personally, but
9:37
knew my family name and knew of our whole family athletic
9:42
situation, just assume like, oh, we're calling captains, you must
9:46
be one of them. And that and I didn't, I didn't
9:49
even think twice about it. But looking back, it's like
9:51
there was just an assumption that that's what we do.
9:55
And so that's not like some big toxic pattern, but that's one of
9:58
those things that it's just this is this is who I am.
10:01
This is what we do in this family.
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So I'm wondering, yes, it's early on a Sunday morning.
10:06
What are some things that you just autopilot are like, well,
10:11
but this is what we do in this family?
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And is that what you want to do or have you done it or thought
10:19
that or believed that or become that?
10:22
Because that's just what we do. And you see this a lot with like
10:27
family businesses. Like this is our business.
10:30
This is what we do. And whether it's spoken or
10:33
unspoken, there's a tremendous amount of pressure.
10:35
Or if you have like you'll see this in families that have like,
10:39
let's say doctors that run through the line.
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Well, this is just what we do. So there is automatically you
10:45
feel this pressure again, it may never have been spoken to you
10:49
and there may actually be no real pressure, but you feel this
10:52
pressure that this is what I need to do to be part of the
10:55
family. Or hell, I just, I saw something
11:00
in the news about another Duggar kid and all the fiasco there.
11:03
Like that's what they do. We have as many children as we
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can and guess what? They go on and they start
11:09
reproducing and reproducing. It's not necessarily what they
11:12
want, but that's what we do. So that is that sealed box
11:17
that's like running the family. And until you are the one to
11:23
stop and you don't even have to make the changes, I'm not
11:26
suggesting make any change this morning.
11:29
I'm saying just ask the question and be curious and try to see
11:34
like, is this sealed box of the family patterns?
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Is that running your life? That's the Pandora's box that
11:42
was coming up for me so early yesterday morning.
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And you can look at it as like even family, other family things
11:53
like think of what is something that you have like that you just
11:58
knew your grandparents would not talk about.
12:00
Think that the silent generation, like a lot of
12:02
people, it's their grandparents. For me, it's my parents.
12:05
There's subjects that did not come up.
12:08
How many families talked about sex?
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Probably not that many. So everyone had to find their
12:14
information somewhere how people didn't know how to talk about
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it. And I had an experience and I
12:21
talked about this last week, my first baby, I lost him when I
12:24
was six months pregnant. And I labored for 18 hours.
12:28
And I, you know, had to push him out and do all of that.
12:32
And just as a little side note for anyone who doesn't know,
12:37
labor is labor is labor. It doesn't matter the size of
12:39
the baby. So it was still 18 hours of
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agony and agony. Also throw in the emotional
12:46
component of knowing I was going home empty handed.
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Very traumatic experience. And what I found after that is
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culturally, people don't talk about it.
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How many of you, as soon as I even mentioned this, physically
12:59
cringed? Now I'm going to ask you to just
13:02
pause and think about why that was my experience that was not
13:05
yours. Why did you cringe?
13:08
Why do you have a hard time hearing about it when you didn't
13:12
have to go through it? Now, if you're someone who went
13:14
through it and you cringed, I am so sorry.
13:17
And I feel you. And probably some of that is we
13:21
are not taught or allowed to feel things like the loss of a
13:27
pregnancy that was a wanted and chosen pregnancy.
13:30
We're not supposed to feel it because it makes everybody else
13:33
uncomfortable. And I saw that afterwards when
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it's something I physically went through, my now ex-husband, he
13:41
went through it with me and everybody else took on the
13:46
discomfort because of their own discomfort.
13:48
And I would have people who would literally turn on, like
13:51
their eyes would get wide, they would go and they would turn on
13:54
their heel and go the other way. So if you've done that, I
13:58
understand and I'm going to ask you to please stop and think
14:03
about why, because that was your discomfort that you just shoved
14:09
at somebody who went through hell and back.
14:12
No judgement here, but just think about it.
14:17
So these are things that we learn through family lines we
14:20
don't talk about, or we learn through society we don't talk
14:23
about, or we learn through culture we don't talk about, or
14:26
religion we don't talk about. We don't question things.
14:30
You just go along. And to that, if you have issues
14:33
with swearing, this is not the episode to be on.
14:36
Fuck that. Like question things in a
14:40
healthy way. There's a big difference between
14:42
curiosity in your questioning and aggression in your
14:46
questioning. If you're a trial lawyer lawyer,
14:49
go for the aggressive. But just think about it and ask.
14:54
Ask yourself. You don't even have to ask your
14:56
family. That's what breaking
14:58
generational curses and traumas and patterns is all about.
15:02
So that is the box. That's Pandora's box.
15:06
It is unprocessed grief that gets shoved down through the
15:09
line and turns into anxiety. If you're someone who says,
15:13
well, anxiety runs in my family, anxiety is unprocessed emotion.
15:18
So what are you struggling with? And if you, if everything is
15:23
actually good, but you're still struggling with anxiety and you
15:26
know that you have a parent that has anxiety, just observe.
15:29
Don't change anything. I'm not saying break up your
15:31
entire mental health pattern. Don't you have it for a reason?
15:35
But look at your parents. What were they?
15:38
What was weighing on them? What were they struggling with?
15:40
Where did they get that from? And start tracking it back
15:43
through the lines. These things keep getting passed
15:45
down because they go unprocessed.
15:48
Rage. Rage is another one that goes
15:50
unprocessed. I have so many clients right now
15:54
that struggle tremendously with aggressive control because they
15:59
never learned healthy expressions of difficult
16:04
emotions like anger. They experienced very scary
16:08
experiences with anger, so they shove it down.
16:11
But anger is a normal emotion. You have to learn how to express
16:14
it in a healthy and positive way.
16:16
Most people don't. So then either they become, they
16:19
end up having a lot of rage, or they suppress the rage down and
16:22
it starts to manifest physically.
16:24
These are all like wounds that have passed through the line
16:28
that we're never tended to. And then it becomes the rule to
16:32
just don't talk about it, don't look at it directly, don't feel
16:36
it. And then that rule gets handed
16:38
down. It's not written and it's not
16:40
even spoken. It's just absorbed.
16:42
And think of the way that children absorb everything
16:45
through their nervous system, through what happens in the
16:48
room, through. I mean, we know, like, if you
16:51
are in a bad headspace, people say, oh, the baby's going to
16:54
pick up on it. Think about that.
16:56
That doesn't change just because you're not a baby.
16:59
Think about when you're fine and your partner comes home and
17:03
they've had a bad day and you suddenly are feeling tense and
17:07
stressed and snippy, and you say things like, oh, well, I just
17:10
absorbed their moods. A, you got to learn some
17:13
boundaries. We'll work on that one.
17:15
But B, that's literally if you're picking up on their
17:19
emotions and having trouble processing it, think about where
17:23
did that come from? And the kids around you, You
17:26
don't have to say a word. You can tell them you love them
17:28
and show up to every freaking game, but if you have
17:31
unprocessed pain and emotions and challenges, they will pick
17:37
up on it. They just don't know what the
17:39
hell it's all about. So then they have to make sense
17:43
of it. So children that have absorbed
17:47
everything, nervous systems that are haywire, anxiety that is
17:51
rampant, depression that is rampant, things like OCD, things
17:56
like explosive tempers, all of these things, I'm going to
18:01
challenge you instead of just saying, well, this is just who I
18:05
am, which I also think is complete bullshit.
18:09
We are all people who can grow and change and morph and learn
18:13
and adapt and tweak. Yes, there are structural,
18:16
biological, physiological, anatomical things that we have
18:20
to work with. I don't deny that.
18:22
Very sciency over here. But the other things that you're
18:25
like, well, this is just who I am.
18:27
Is it? Or was that something that you
18:30
absorbed that, yeah, you show traits of it, and you just
18:32
chosen to stay in that? And a very, very minor version
18:36
of this, which is why this past week was such a big deal, is I
18:39
always would stay up really late reading when I was little, like
18:42
with a flashlight under the blankets.
18:44
And then I would really struggle to wake up in the morning.
18:46
And it would drive my mother absolutely insane to the point
18:49
that she told my father she's your child.
18:52
And, like, stop dealing with me. And bless his soul, my dad would
18:57
come up and stand at attention and sing home on the range and
19:01
on top of Old Smokey, sometimes the Star Spangled Banner, all
19:05
sorts of things, and sing to get me to wake up.
19:08
It was. And now I do this to my
19:10
children. See.
19:11
Passing it down, except I play. Oh, what is that?
19:15
The one with the trumpets? That's like that one.
19:19
I blast that at full steam to wake them up after I've tried to
19:23
wake them up gently. But anyways, wow, I totally just
19:28
lost my train of thought. Oh, so I my whole life, the
19:31
running joke was I'm not a morning person.
19:34
And so I spent my entire life being like, I'm not a morning
19:36
person. I'm not a morning person.
19:38
And then one day I was like, but why?
19:42
Like, why am I, you're not genetically a morning person or
19:46
not? And I started questioning it and
19:48
I realized I had heard that so much that and I'd always just
19:52
struggled to wake up because I was up late, that I was like,
19:56
well, that's just who I am until I questioned it.
19:59
And then I started thinking about it.
20:00
And I was like, when I go camping, my favorite thing is
20:03
five in the morning when like if the mist is on the water and
20:06
it's quiet, people aren't up yet.
20:08
And it's just so peaceful. And like here up north in the
20:12
mountains, you'll hear like the loons calling.
20:15
It's amazing. And I'm like, I get up without
20:18
an alarm, without even thinking. So that means I can do it.
20:21
Why the hell am I not? Because I told myself that I
20:23
couldn't. So this week was the first week
20:26
that I've been actively getting up early again and changing that
20:32
pattern that I started absorbing again.
20:36
Because we didn't choose the patterns.
20:38
We didn't choose this Pandora's box in our family.
20:40
We were literally handed it by other people and handed like a
20:44
set of instructions that were unspoken, usually always
20:49
unspoken about how to carry it. Like, don't open the box, don't
20:53
look in there, just go along with it.
20:55
Go along to get along. Isn't that another phrase?
20:57
Another stupid one. And oh, here's another one that
21:01
really irritates the crap out of me, especially because I work
21:04
with couples a lot. The happy wife, happy life.
21:10
OK, so much with that one. And I will get into that at a
21:15
later date. But for the love of God, please
21:18
stop saying that. Please stop believing that
21:22
because that immediately negates the husband or the other
21:26
partners rights and roles and importance in that relationship.
21:31
And I have a huge problem with that.
21:35
Like we need to honor and respect both people in a
21:38
relationship and men or partners.
21:43
If you are using that phrase, happy wife, happy life, why are
21:47
you limiting yourself? Why are you dismissing your own
21:51
needs and why are you having it be all about the other person?
21:56
Where did that come from? Just think about it.
22:00
Yeah. And oh, gosh, there's so much I
22:03
could go on about that. But so the reasons then I
22:07
started thinking, OK, generational patterns, Pandora's
22:10
box. Why do we keep it locked shut?
22:12
Loyalty, first of all, if you struggle with feeling like
22:16
you're going to be disloyal, if you actually recognize the
22:18
family patterns and are the truth teller in the family,
22:21
that's not uncommon. I struggled with that one for a
22:24
long time. I felt like I was being the
22:26
worst child on the planet. If I dared to recognize my
22:30
parents did the best they could with what they had, and it hurt
22:33
me in these ways. That has had a ripple effect
22:36
through life, which is what led me to attachment theory, which
22:39
is what led me to a lot of therapy.
22:42
And the important thing is to realize all of the things
22:45
happened to you and for you and what you choose to do with it in
22:49
adulthood. If you choose to stay in
22:51
victimhood or martyrdom or hostility or anger, that's your
22:55
choice. But you're an adult, you're not
22:57
a child anymore, so take ownership of that.
23:01
But that loyalty, it felt like betrayal.
23:03
I felt like I felt like I was going to be struck down or
23:07
smited. Smited smote.
23:11
What would the word be for that? I felt like that's what was
23:14
going to happen if I dared to say it.
23:16
And I didn't realize that that's how I was feeling until the day
23:19
that I realized it. And I realized that by sticking
23:22
with loyalty, I was not being loyal to myself and my own
23:25
feelings. And it feels like we are, you
23:29
know, by saying things openly and honestly, we're judging.
23:34
And yeah, maybe some people are. But the way I look at it is
23:39
seeing people clearly and 100% for the full 360 of who they
23:44
are. They are for all of their
23:45
complexities. It's the most honorable way to
23:49
love someone because you're seeing them for all their
23:52
facets, not just the appropriate or palatable ones, and not just
23:57
the ones that you want to see that you're good with.
23:59
You're recognizing all of them. And what you will find is that
24:05
the gratitude and compassion and appreciation for that person
24:09
will expand exponentially. The Love Actually becomes deeper
24:14
and greater. And there there's an honesty,
24:19
there's a genuine connection with it.
24:22
So the other reason that I was thinking about of why why we
24:27
would not just open up that Pandora's box of generational
24:31
patterns is because exactly what I was just saying, like you have
24:35
to see people differently. And because it's it's having to
24:41
see that a parent or a loved one or a spouse or a sibling who was
24:48
maybe like the warmest person in the room and the friendliest
24:51
also could be a little bit of an asshole or a lot of bit of an
24:56
asshole. But because of that loyalty, you
24:59
chose to see them one way or the other.
25:01
And you don't want to criticize, but here's the thing, like
25:06
nobody is simple and everyone is doing the best they can.
25:13
And there is grief to realize people don't belong on pedestals
25:17
and they are not superheroes. And I know I reference like my
25:22
superhero power. We all have different little
25:26
things that make us kind of that are superpowers, but nobody
25:31
actually is a superhero. And there is grief in having to
25:34
realize everyone is human, but there also is relief that comes
25:39
with it because if everybody's human, so were you and you're
25:44
allowed to fuck up and struggle and have a hard time.
25:48
And there's also grief about realizing your parents aren't
25:53
are amazing and not necessarily equipped with the tools that you
25:58
needed to parent you the way that you needed, especially if
26:01
you come from a big family. That's a lot of kids for them to
26:04
know how to parent. And frankly, it's their first
26:07
time figuring it out too. Like we're all just trying to
26:10
figure things out. And there's a feeling of loss
26:13
when that story really becomes clear.
26:17
Because sometimes the best wasn't the best.
26:21
And seeing that doesn't make you a bad person.
26:24
It truly makes you an honest one and someone who's showing up
26:28
clear eyed and with full authenticity and integrity.
26:34
And I, I'm telling you, you the people that you love, your
26:38
family, everybody, it doesn't make you love them less.
26:41
It makes you love them more when you can see them in their full
26:45
glory. So another reason that you might
26:49
struggle with the box and opening it is that you don't
26:53
want to be the difficult one because every family system, it
26:57
has a role for the person who asks too many questions.
27:02
They might be considered too sensitive or too intense or too
27:06
much. And they might well, they
27:09
definitely are the one who sees things and maybe insists on
27:13
bringing them up. I don't know if that's what I
27:15
do. And the role is not comfortable
27:19
and it's not easy and it can be very, very lonely.
27:23
I've definitely always felt like the black sheep.
27:26
And it's a it's, it's tough and it can cost relationships,
27:33
especially if you have people in the family that are the exact
27:38
opposite, that are like the ones who do all the things, quote UN
27:41
quote, right. Then it definitely highlights
27:44
those who don't want to do it, the quote UN quote right way.
27:49
And it kind of can make you the person that, like everyone in
27:53
the family agrees is the problem because the problem the problem
27:59
is, is the wound. But it, you know, it's easier
28:02
for people to look at it as the problem is the person who puts
28:05
the name on the wound. So all of the, I mean, there's
28:10
so many reasons to not open that box, but it's not going to go
28:13
away until somebody looks at it. And it's going to keep moving
28:18
through you, through your actions, through your feelings,
28:22
through relationships, through conflict, intimacy or lack
28:26
thereof, or loss or patterns that you may keep saying, I'm
28:30
not going to keep doing that. You might see the pattern, you
28:34
might have even put a name to it, but then you find yourself
28:37
almost compulsively doing it again.
28:39
That's how deeply ingrained it is.
28:42
And that Pandora's box in your family being sealed, it doesn't
28:46
protect you from what's inside of it.
28:49
It just means that what's inside of it is what is actually
28:52
running the show, whether you realize it or not.
28:55
And it's running the show without your knowledge or
28:59
consent unless you take a second and actually look at it.
29:04
Excuse me, I need some coffee. So I want to, I want to get into
29:10
a little bit about what it actually looks like when the box
29:13
is running things. So it can be the same fight in
29:16
every relationship. And I don't just mean when I say
29:19
relationships, I don't just mean like romantic ones.
29:23
But your actual conflict style is going to probably be the same
29:28
across the board. If you're someone who, when you
29:30
feel too emotional or emotionally challenged or
29:34
threatened, if you're someone who gets kind of aggressive in
29:38
your way of speaking, does it cross into your partnership?
29:41
Does it cross into your kids? Is it, are you kind of known to
29:45
be a bit of a bulldozer or like a bull in a China shop?
29:48
Well, there's a reason for it. Are you the person who kind of
29:52
like backs off and let's everything go and just turns
29:56
into like, I guess the the description would be like the
29:59
doormat. That's part of it too.
30:02
And then if you look back, where'd you learn that?
30:04
Because you didn't just automatically do it, You learned
30:06
it from somewhere. And the pattern, it just keeps
30:10
showing up. And because something in you
30:13
recognizes that it's familiar and your nervous system knows
30:18
how to navigate it, so it keeps going back to that pattern.
30:22
So that's why it's difficult. You can see the pattern, but to
30:24
actually change out of it, it's going to require intention and
30:27
actively putting effort toward it.
30:30
And navigating that can be difficult, which is another
30:32
reason, by the way, that people try not to do it.
30:35
And it can also that box running the show can be the thing that
30:41
you maybe swore that you would never do.
30:43
Like think of something when you were a kid that you were like
30:46
that you didn't like that one of your parents did.
30:47
And you're like, I am never going to do that.
30:50
And you literally put it to words and you insisted it would
30:54
be different. And then you maybe have heard
30:57
your heard like that same situation coming out of your
31:01
mouth. Like, God, I've had this so many
31:03
times where I'll say something and I'll be like, Oh my God,
31:06
that was so my mom. Yeah, it's autopilot
31:09
programming. It's part of that box.
31:11
It doesn't always mean it's a bad thing, but it's just ways to
31:15
identify that replaying of the things that are shoved down in
31:19
the box. Or if you were raised with a
31:21
parent who used the silent treatment, whether as a weapon,
31:26
which by the way, silent treatment is literally a weapon.
31:31
It's not OK. It's whether you're doing it
31:33
intentionally or not. It's like an emotional weapon
31:36
that's being used against somebody.
31:38
Super not cool. Try not to do it.
31:40
If you're not sure what you're feeling, just say, I'm not sure
31:43
what I'm feeling. I need to sit with that instead
31:46
of just, I'm going to go silent and punish you.
31:49
That's it's a weapon and it's punishment.
31:50
Please, please, please stop doing that.
31:54
But so think about that. If you had a parent who would
31:57
use the silent treatment, whether it was because they were
32:00
emotionally overwhelmed and didn't know how to deal with it
32:02
or that was their way of trying to regain control in the
32:06
situation, do you now inadvertently or intentionally
32:10
use silence? You just shut down and walk
32:14
away. Yeah, you probably understood
32:18
something terrible and clarifying about all of this and
32:24
like the silent part, and you inherited it even though you
32:27
didn't like it. And then you are on autopilot
32:29
replaying that same program. And I always say this, it's not
32:34
because you're weak, that it's just that's how it works.
32:37
These patterns keep playing and you can't unlearn what you were
32:42
never shown was an option. You see it, it's modeled to you,
32:46
you absorb it, you replay it until you wake up and open
32:50
Pandora's box. Because once you crack open that
32:55
box, you know in the myth they talk about it like you open it
32:59
up and destruction comes seeping out, which is that fear based
33:05
thought. So that's where all the sudden
33:07
it clicked into place. Pandora's box is liberation.
33:10
Open the box to become liberated.
33:14
Open the box to let all of that crap out, to RIP the blinders
33:18
off your eyes. I was just talking to somebody
33:21
who is having cataract surgery and I said that needs to come
33:25
out because then you'll, I really feel like then you'll
33:28
have clear eyes and you can see things.
33:30
I mean, literally, but also it's metaphor.
33:33
But just take a peek. You can do it with your fingers
33:38
covering your eyes and peeking through like, or your hands
33:40
covering your eyes and peeking through your fingers like in a
33:42
horror movie or looking at a horror movie, But just look at
33:47
it and just notice. You don't have to do anything
33:50
yet. You can't do anything until you
33:52
can see it. So open that box and see what
33:56
comes out. It's not going to be flying
33:58
demons, I'll tell you that. It's not going to be like
34:01
Ghostbusters. It's not going to be hell that's
34:04
unleashed upon the world. It's it might be a little bit of
34:08
discomfort, actually it probably will be, but you're going to be
34:13
able to see things in a way that you didn't see them before.
34:17
It's not demolition. It's a question.
34:22
It's asking the questions of why and be like that three-year old
34:27
that drove everybody nuts saying, but why?
34:30
But why? But why I did that, my kids did
34:33
that. And now I'm seeing it as utterly
34:36
fascinating because these kids come into the world knowing to
34:40
question things and then we squash it out of them.
34:45
So the part of the the myth that is accurate is truly everything
34:51
is going to start coming out. And that can be kind of a lot.
34:58
Some of them might come out with some force, Some of them might
35:01
come out a little bit chaotic. The grief, you might have anger,
35:07
you might have some anger that's been waiting for a very long
35:09
time to have permission to come out.
35:11
And that's all real. But the release of all of that
35:17
stuff, it's not the disaster. The hardest part honestly, is
35:22
allowing yourself to ask why and and asking why.
35:28
And recognizing that opening that box, it doesn't create
35:31
damage, it just reveals the damage that's already been there
35:34
the whole time and that you can finally do something with it.
35:39
So I will say if you are someone who struggles with being
35:43
proactive about things like, let's say going to the doctor,
35:46
because in a lot of people do this, they're afraid of what
35:48
they might find, so they avoid it.
35:51
And unfortunately, what that often leads to is then you end
35:54
up with issues that are way more significant because you ignored
35:57
it or you avoided it. And I get that.
36:00
So this might feel daunting for you, but I'm going to remind you
36:05
that at the bottom of that box, what was there?
36:08
Hope. It's like a wound.
36:10
You have to debride the wound, you have to clear out the
36:12
infection, you have to clear out all of the crap that's layered
36:15
on top so that healing can begin.
36:18
And hope is the one thing that is at the bottom that survives
36:24
everything and it cannot be destroyed no matter what gets
36:29
released. And in this particular time
36:33
frame where there's so much unrest and upheaval and chaos,
36:38
don't we all need a little bit of hope right now?
36:41
So hell, if we're already, if Pandora's box has already been
36:43
open, why not just open your own family one?
36:49
And I've honestly sat with enough people who have opened
36:52
the box and come out the other side that I know it's true.
36:56
It's not easy, but it's true. Because what you will find is
37:01
once you open that box and you let all of that stuff out and
37:05
you look at it, clearly, what is at the bottom is you.
37:09
It's hope. And that hope is in the form of
37:11
you. It's the real you, the
37:14
unfiltered you. The one that is raw and in a
37:19
natural state without all of this crap on top of it.
37:22
The one that existed before that wound got burned into you and
37:30
before any rules about how to live and how to look at yourself
37:33
got written, before that box got sealed and then handed down and
37:39
then handed down again. That version of you has been in
37:43
there intact the whole time, just waiting for you to explore
37:47
it. So if you are listening to the
37:51
still, which thank you, this has been a long one.
37:54
If you're carrying a box right now, and we all are, you can try
37:59
to pretend that you're not, but we are.
38:02
I'm saying don't blow the lid off of it today, but just get
38:06
curious. Think of like Schrodinger's box
38:09
and that contemplation of is the cat dead?
38:13
Is the cat alive? Like what could be in the box?
38:17
And just start asking that question.
38:18
You don't have to like unleash it.
38:20
Just have the conversation that you maybe have been avoiding or
38:26
in your own mind to yourself, maybe walk up to a family story
38:31
that you have that you've held onto and like a three-year old,
38:35
just ask why and look at square on and feel does it feel in your
38:41
body that it's your truth? And truth is going to feel like
38:45
an exhale. And anything that is less than
38:49
that will feel either the same as you always have felt or
38:52
tightening. And, you know, look at the story
38:59
and then look at what you've built around that story and just
39:02
see, is there any way to start dismantling it?
39:04
Just to notice you don't have to do anything.
39:07
Notice where that pattern just keeps popping up for you.
39:11
And notice the things that you reach for when any of those
39:15
uncomfortable feelings come around.
39:18
And especially the things that you really don't want to look at
39:22
that you find yourself binging video games, scrolling on your
39:25
phone, keeping yourself busy, getting physically
39:28
uncomfortable, and sometimes literally running away from.
39:32
Why? What is it about it that has you
39:35
running away? I mean, I know people that I've
39:39
literally when an uncomfortable topic comes up or conflict comes
39:43
up, it is like the Roadrunner is suddenly there and boom, they're
39:47
gone. Like I had a friend that would
39:51
literally turn in Bolt and I was like, wow, that is like runner
39:57
to the NTH degree. Holy cow.
40:00
So just ask yourself why? Where did that come from?
40:04
Because the story itself is part of what was handed down.
40:10
It's not just the wound and everything.
40:11
It's that actual stoilty or stoilty.
40:14
I just merged story in loyalty, The loyalty that is keeping us
40:20
silent. It's not protecting anybody.
40:23
It's not protecting you. It's not protecting your kids
40:26
and it's not betrayal. It's the bravest thing that you
40:29
can do for the people that you love.
40:31
So this whole week, this is the topic that I'm going to be
40:34
getting into. All of the family patterns,
40:37
taking a look at all of it, all the reasons that we don't dive
40:40
into it. And I'll be back tomorrow
40:43
morning with more on that. So do all the things that like
40:47
the share, the subscribe, the hyping, whatever.
40:50
Again, I don't care, just come back for more and remember that
40:55
you're not alone in carrying this, not even a little bit.
40:58
But the box is now open now that you're aware of it, so leave a
41:01
comment about any of the patterns that you've noticed.
41:05
I would love to hear about it and I will be back tomorrow.