Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #840 Turning Down the Chaos

Transcript

#840 Turning Down the Chaos · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, what we're actually trying to achieve here is these
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: spontaneous conversations with our kids. The idea of creating space
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: for those things to happen is so important.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: I know that it depends on the day, but on average,
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: how chaotic would you say our household is? Why are
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: you laughing with the pairing experts. We're supposed to know
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  Speaker 3: how to not have chaos?
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  Speaker 4: What do you reckon?
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  Speaker 2: I think anybody who's looking from the outside in would
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  Speaker 2: say that we live in absolute chaos. Really, I'd like
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: to say organized chaos.
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  Speaker 3: No, come on, People who would look at us would say,
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  Speaker 3: you're nailing it. Wish I could be like the Colson's,
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  Speaker 3: wouldn't they?
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  Speaker 2: Well, I told you a few weeks ago that I
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: picked up my friend. Yeah, and the fifteen minute drive
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: that we had, I literally had a phone call from
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  Speaker 2: every child, including you. She kind of just looked at
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  Speaker 2: me and just when.
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  Speaker 4: To be clear, I'm not one of your children. Okay.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes I feel like, no, no.
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  Speaker 4: No, don't say things like that.
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  Speaker 3: So there's a brand new study that's come out, and
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  Speaker 3: I think that we should talk about this because it's
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  Speaker 3: so interesting to me. Every parent we talk to says,
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  Speaker 3: when I'm one child down, it feels so good. Whether
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  Speaker 3: you've got six kids like us, or whether you're down
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: to three or two children, or even one child one
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  Speaker 3: child's out of the house at Grandma's or something, it's like, oh,
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: oh good, is this so? But families feel chaotic, whether
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: you've got one child, two children, like there are just
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: those times where the pressure is on and things feel heavy.
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  Speaker 3: So there's this research at Jackie Nelson. She's at the
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  Speaker 3: University of Texas, and she does this study with a
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  Speaker 3: whole bunch of teenagers and their mums. And here's what
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  Speaker 3: she finds, and I quote stressful experiences such as living
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: in a chaotic home vironment can deplete parent regulatory abilities,
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: making it more difficult for them to remain responsive and
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  Speaker 3: positively engaged with children over the course of the day.
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  Speaker 2: I kind of laugh when you read these studies because
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  Speaker 2: it just kind of seems obvious.
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  Speaker 3: You're saying, it's from the University of Duh, not the
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  Speaker 3: University of Texas, right, Duh.
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  Speaker 2: Anybody who's lived in chaos recognizes that their capacity to
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  Speaker 2: regulate is diminished, right, significantly.
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  Speaker 3: But how many of us feel like we're living in
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: chaos a little bit too much of the time, Like, yes,
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  Speaker 3: it might be duh obvious, but understanding the mechanism behind it. Okay,
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  Speaker 3: So if I'm feeling like things are a bit chaotic
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  Speaker 3: for me, what that does is it causes me to
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  Speaker 3: be disregulated, which means that my child, whether they're a
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: teenager or not, doesn't feel safe enough to come and
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  Speaker 3: spend time with me. Now, this is what I think
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  Speaker 3: is the really interesting part of this study. Here's what
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  Speaker 3: and found spontaneous disclosure. So spontaneous disclosures when the kids
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  Speaker 3: show up and talk to you about stuff without you asking, right,
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  Speaker 3: Spontaneous disclosure is a key factor informing what parents know
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  Speaker 3: about their teens' lives and their teens activities. And she
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  Speaker 3: found that when parents are asking for information, teens often
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  Speaker 3: withhold that information, they even lie about it. But if
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  Speaker 3: the kids just sort of walk in and start talking,
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  Speaker 3: that's the spontaneous disclosure. And she found that household chaos,
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  Speaker 3: which is confusion, disorganization, noise, unpredictability, clutter and lack of
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  Speaker 3: routine lead to less attention, less engagement, and therefore less
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  Speaker 3: spontaneous disclosure and sharing.
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  Speaker 2: So I find that in our home, if the kids
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  Speaker 2: don't see me as being available, they're less likely to
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  Speaker 2: share information, so that spontaneous conversation doesn't happen, not so
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  Speaker 2: much because there's chaos, as much as my availability in
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  Speaker 2: their mind is limited.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 3: We have talked often about my mum's unavailability. So for
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  Speaker 3: the last well twenty five years that we've been married,
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  Speaker 3: In nearly twenty six years that we've been married, conversations
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  Speaker 3: with my mum usually go, hey, Mum, just calling to
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  Speaker 3: say hi, Well I'm so glad you did, but I'm.
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  Speaker 4: In the middle of blah blah blah blah, or could
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  Speaker 4: you just hold on?
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  Speaker 3: Could you say yeah, because there's four or five other
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  Speaker 3: phocals that comes through where you're trying to have that chat.
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  Speaker 3: So mum's been running all of these businesses for all
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  Speaker 3: these years, she's raising six of her own kids, plus
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  Speaker 3: she's also been heavily involved as a grandma. Heavily involved
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  Speaker 3: because several of my siblings live near home, and I
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  Speaker 3: guess she's been heavily involved. And one thing that I
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  Speaker 3: have said to you for over twenty years is, oh,
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  Speaker 3: my goodness, her life is so chaotic. And I want
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  Speaker 3: to talk to my mum, but she's simply not available.
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  Speaker 4: And when I try to.
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  Speaker 3: Talk to her, it's pointless because she can't hang on
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  Speaker 3: to it and she can't take any of it in,
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  Speaker 3: and then she forgets anyway what I've discovered because I
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  Speaker 3: spent so much time traveling, and we're running a business
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  Speaker 3: and we have a big family.
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  Speaker 4: Is it every now and again I hear my mother
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: in my larynx.
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  Speaker 3: So our big kids will give me a call and
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  Speaker 3: I say, hey, Dad, just calling to find out how
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  Speaker 3: are you going? Just wanted to say hi, And I'll
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  Speaker 3: say something like things are so busy right now. I'm
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  Speaker 3: so glad you called, and I really want to talk
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  Speaker 3: to you.
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  Speaker 4: But I've got to.
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  Speaker 3: Catch this plane. I've got to deliver this seminar, i've
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  Speaker 3: got to write this book. I've got to blah blah
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  Speaker 3: blah blah blah.
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  Speaker 4: And I hang up the.
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  Speaker 3: Phone, having had a completely unfulfilling conversation with my kids
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  Speaker 3: and think, oh my goodness, there goes that opportunity for
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  Speaker 3: spontaneous disclosure, there goes that opportunity for real connection and engagement.
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  Speaker 3: So in this podcast, based on this science from not
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  Speaker 3: the University of d but the University of Texas, what
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  Speaker 3: I think we need to do is talk about how
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  Speaker 3: we can develop that trust where your kids feel like
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  Speaker 3: you've got their back, and how we can increase the
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  Speaker 3: amount of their spontaneous disclosure by reducing the chaos in
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: our lives.
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  Speaker 2: So there's a long list of things that we could
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  Speaker 2: talk about today, but we're going to just stick to four.
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  Speaker 2: Can you do that?
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  Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I can. I promise good.
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  Speaker 2: And I think the first one that we really have
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  Speaker 2: to tagle when you're talking about chaos would have to
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  Speaker 2: be routine, which.
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  Speaker 3: Prompts an eye roll from anybody who's living chaotic clips like,
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  Speaker 3: how do I create routine when there is so much
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  Speaker 3: going on and I've got these near diversity challenges, or
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  Speaker 3: I've got kids who are rebellious, or.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, you've got a husband who travels and comes in
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  Speaker 2: and out of our home.
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  Speaker 4: And messes up the routine and messes up the route
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  Speaker 4: even though he's appearing has good intentions.
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  Speaker 2: Every single one of us has a reason why routine
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  Speaker 2: could possibly not function the way we want it to.
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  Speaker 3: I'm I'm massive on routine. I love the James Clear
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  Speaker 3: stuff where he talks about your rise of fall to
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  Speaker 3: the level of your system or your routine. And during COVID,
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  Speaker 3: oh my goodness, I just had this routine thing down
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  Speaker 3: pat two and a half hours every morning. It was
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  Speaker 3: so perfect time with the kids, time for exercise. But
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  Speaker 3: with travel it's been really.
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  Speaker 2: Tough, even just eating a meal.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah, right time.
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  Speaker 3: So when it comes to routine, I'm going to see
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: just two things you might want to fill in a
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  Speaker 3: few gaps that I leave. The first thing is I
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  Speaker 3: think we've got to have routines for mornings, making your
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  Speaker 3: morning's magic. I bang this drum all the time, but
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  Speaker 3: while you were away over the last couple of weeks,
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  Speaker 3: I really pushed getting ready for the morning the night before.
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  Speaker 3: Your morning begins the night before. And what I've discovered
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  Speaker 3: is that we've got a couple of kids who hate that.
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  Speaker 3: They don't want to get ready the night before. They
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  Speaker 3: don't like any part of that at all. And yet
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  Speaker 3: when we did it, our mornings were bliss.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to suggest that outside of that, the most
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  Speaker 2: important factor in morning routine working well, is you actually
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  Speaker 2: being available?
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  Speaker 3: Yes, which means that you've got to get up that
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  Speaker 3: a little bit earlier, be showered, and have had your breakfast.
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  Speaker 3: Because once you're pretty much ready, you can be present
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  Speaker 3: and you don't have to do everything for the kids,
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  Speaker 3: but you can kind of shepherd them through their morning.
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  Speaker 3: You can guide them and say, hey, what's next, or
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  Speaker 3: how about I help you what I found. So our
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  Speaker 3: youngest child, Emily, I'll ask her to do something, and
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  Speaker 3: a minute and a half later, I'll find her sitting
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  Speaker 3: on the floor in the lounge room, halfway through a
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  Speaker 3: chapter of a book, like she's on the way to
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  Speaker 3: her bedroom so that she can put her shoes on.
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  Speaker 3: I'll get a school bag, and she sees a book
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  Speaker 3: on the living room floor and thinks that looks way
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  Speaker 3: better than putting my shoes on.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, she picks up the violin and decides she's going
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  Speaker 2: to practice right then, and there.
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  Speaker 3: Messes up the routine something shocking and yet doing good things.
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  Speaker 3: So keeping everyone on track with the routine is also
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  Speaker 3: critically important. But I think mornings and routine are vital.
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  Speaker 3: The second thing that I think we need a routine
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  Speaker 3: for to make life less chaotic is just meals. And
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  Speaker 3: what I mean by that is a meal list. Here's
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  Speaker 3: what we're having Monday, here's what we're having Tuesday. Get
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  Speaker 3: it really clear so that you're not trying to make
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  Speaker 3: a decision when you walk in the door at five
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  Speaker 3: thirty or six or six thirty, or as you're ferrying
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  Speaker 3: children from one activity to another in the afternoon and
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  Speaker 3: thinking I've got to stop at the shops.
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  Speaker 2: It's going to say. If you've got a meal list
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  Speaker 2: and you're shopping to that meal list, then you are
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  Speaker 2: assured that the things that you need for that meal
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  Speaker 2: to prepare it in the fridge, they're in the pantry.
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  Speaker 2: You've got them all there, and you're not having to
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  Speaker 2: do that, you know, five point thirty run into to
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  Speaker 2: get some sour cream.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to add to this routine thing as well.
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  Speaker 3: We don't have time for this conversation, so I'm just
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  Speaker 3: going to do dot points. You've got to get enough sleep.
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  Speaker 3: It's got to be part of your routine that you
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  Speaker 3: get the full eight to nine hours a night. You've
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: just you're a better parent when you do. And somehow,
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: as unfair as it is for me to say, this.
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  Speaker 3: You've got to get enough exercise. Now I don't have
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: time for exercise, but I just do it anyway. And
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: it happens at four thirty in the morning. And I
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  Speaker 3: hate that because it makes it it's really tricky. But
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  Speaker 3: we're better when we're looking after ourselves and we've got
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  Speaker 3: a routine sleep and getting up at four thirty in
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  Speaker 3: the morning can be tricky. Let's not go there right now.
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  Speaker 3: We're making it work. It's done. Second thing that I
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  Speaker 3: think can reduce the chaos make time for connection. Dedicated
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  Speaker 3: time for connection, whether it's a walk or a ride,
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: or a sit on the couch or playing board games,
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  Speaker 3: playing a board game, laying down in bed next to
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  Speaker 3: the kids for snuggles and tickles and cuddles and whatever else.
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  Speaker 3: Genuine time gives you a sense of margin. Go and
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  Speaker 3: sit on the grass on a picnic blanket in the
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  Speaker 3: backyard if you're lucky enough to have one, and stare
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: up at the sky for ten minutes with the kids.
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  Speaker 3: Get outside in nature. It changes the way you feel.
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  Speaker 3: It reduces the sense of chaos. Nature time for connection,
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  Speaker 3: removing yourself from the never ending agenda and to do list.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: When you think about the fact that what we're actually
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: trying to achieve here is these spontaneous conversations with our kids.
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  Speaker 2: The idea of creating space for those things to happen
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  Speaker 2: is so important because they don't happen when things feel stressful,
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: when we're running one hundred miles an hour. They usually
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: happen when you've decided to have a lie down on
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: the couch, right, and you're thinking you're going to have
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: all this time to yourself, and somebody comes over and says, hey, mom,
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  Speaker 2: can we have a chat?
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  Speaker 4: That's the idea of spontaneous disclosure.
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  Speaker 2: Right, or they decide they want to jump all over you.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: When you look at the times where your kids have
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: connected with you one hundred percent, I would suggest it
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: has been because you have slowed down.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, reducing the chaos creating margin. Okay, I've lost count.
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  Speaker 3: I know that we've number three. Well, we've kind of
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: done number three and number four and number five and
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: a whole lot altogether.
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  Speaker 4: So we're just going to do one more because our
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: time is running out.
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  Speaker 3: And what I want to suggest is, if we're going
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  Speaker 3: to reduce the chaos, we actually have to be aware
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  Speaker 3: of where we are emotionally, the emotional barometer, self barometer,
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  Speaker 3: where am I at, what am I doing to keep
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: myself together?
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  Speaker 2: So this is a really tricky one, and for parents
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: who feel time poor and already feel stretched.
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: And who are carrying all their back from stuff.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: This is one that is kind of confronting for a
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: lot of people. But over the last few years, I've
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: recognized for a long time that there are ways that
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: I respond to things. There are things that I think
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  Speaker 2: and as a result, do, and I just knew they
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: weren't healthy, and they weren't helping our family or my
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: relationships with my children or you. And so I came
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: to a point where I realized that if I wanted
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: to change the family dynamics, I actually had to work
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: on me. And just like you, I don't really have
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  Speaker 2: the time for it. It's not like I'm sitting there
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  Speaker 2: going I've got this two hours here, Wonder what I
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: could do with that two hours.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, when you say I need time to work on me,
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  Speaker 3: I just think of every parent that I know who's
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: going but I don't have any time at all.
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  Speaker 2: But what I've realized is if I'm not an advocate
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  Speaker 2: for me, no one else will be. I have to
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: actually prioritize understanding myself better if I want myself to
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: be better, if I want to be a better person,
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: if I want to be able to deal with situations differently,
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: if I want to respond to my children with love
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: and understanding and caring and all of the things that
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: I envisaged, I would be as a mother and not
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: the screaming banshee that sometimes I become. I actually have
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: to do that hard in a work, and sometimes it
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: requires actually leaving the space and creating the emotional and
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: mental space needed to do that. And other times it's
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: about getting up half an hour early so that you
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: have some quiet in the morning to just sit and
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: reflect and ask yourself questions or read a book that's
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: going to challenge your way of thinking and make you,
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: you know, kind of just reassess where you're at. I
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: think one of the most amazing things that we've experienced
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: in our home over the last few years is as
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I have started to do that hard work, I've been
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: able to recognize when the kids are starting to get
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: build you know, their emotions are building up. I've started
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: to recognize what it is that's actually going on. Instead
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: of seeing the outburst as this cranky teenager who just
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: wants to do things their own way, and recognize all
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: of the angs underneath that, all of the worry, all
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: of the anxiousness, all of the stress and concern about
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: who they are and what the world looks like and
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: whether or not they're going to fail. That's all the
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: stuff that's going on underneath it. But it just comes
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: out as anger. It comes out as you know, a
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: rebellious teenager. They're not rebellious, they're not angry.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: But I love how this idea of doing the work yourself,
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: staying in control of your own emotions, regulating, understanding your
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: own self, it helps you to respond well to that.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: To me, that's the real key right now.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: But you can't do that if you don't understand it
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: in yourself. Yeah, you've got to do that well, go
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: through that process for you, then you can't be the
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: mentor that your children need to help them navigate.
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  Speaker 3: And the way you do the work is you read
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: the books and you listen to the podcasts, and you
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: invest in you. You go for the I don't know,
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: I don't do the mindfuls meditation stuff, but some people do.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: But you do the things that you need to do
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: so that you can be the best version of you,
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: and you go and learn what those things need to be.
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  Speaker 2: You'll have people in your circles who do things a
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: little bit better than you, even if you just spend
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: time with them and in your conversations. How do you
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: do that? Yeah, like when life gets you know, when
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: you're talking about chaos, sometimes chaos isn't actually even anything
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: to do with routine. Sometimes chaos is because there's just
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: so much emotion in the room.
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, great stuff, great insight.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: We're going to link to the study in the Journal
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: of Family Psychology by psychologist Jackie Nelson. You can find
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: the study in the show notes if you're interested in more.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: But hopefully these four or five, six, I don't know
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: how many tips we'd ended up sharing will be helpful
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: in making your family a little less chaotic. Get the
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: routine right, create dedicated time for connection in space, be
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: self aware, regulate and connect with those kids.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: So.
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: The Happy Family Podcast is produced by Justin Rola for
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. If you'd
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: like Mari fold about making your family happier, we would
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: love for you to join us in the upcoming Smells
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: Like Teen Spirit Summit, just over a week away now,
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  Speaker 3: and gosh, it's going to be so so good. With
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  Speaker 3: world leading experts, literally some of the best minds on
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: the planet talking about teams and how we can reduce
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  Speaker 3: the chaos. More navana, less drama. The Smells Like Teen
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  Speaker 3: Spirit Summit at Happy families.
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  Speaker 4: Dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 3: Grab all the details at our Facebook page or online
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  Speaker 3: at the website.