Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 11 - Unspoken Expectations: How Silence Creates Resentment
Transcript
- JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Good morning all. Welcome back to another episode Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. How's week been? I feel like we've had a good week. Yeah. It's been busy, but fun. Yeah, it's been a little bit, I feel like this week was a little bit hectic. Yeah. You know, we had an audit at work. which is always fantastic. And then we just, everything outside of work was, I mean, for you it's kind of just all work. It all blends together, I think. But that really got me thinking week about... A topic that I don't think, I don't think a lot of people talk about. and that's the idea of expectations. you know, those are those expectations that you have of partner. that you yourself feel is obvious, but that your partner just not even have any idea that that is an expectation that you have. I feel like we have a lot of those. I mean, I think we still do, even though we're where we're at with communication. But I think the first. of our marriage. ⁓ had a lot of those. They're just, I what it says, it's unspoken expectations. ⁓ just, not talking about them. They're just by your partner. over the course of plus years that we've been together and known each other. Obviously, like you said, we still have a bunch of them. I think some of them we've figured There's like the trash thing that I think you just expect me to take the trash out. And. For the longest time, for me, was just kind of like one of those deals where like, well, if it's full, take it out. I was like, ⁓ but I just spent all this time cleaning else and doing dishes. Yeah. It's to think about because it's like, I ⁓ don't think, mean, how often do hear people talk about, well, who's taking the trash out? ⁓ Yeah. And there's a lot of those, I think, in our marriage. You know, I have a general expectation of. Like dinner, right? Like. I don't know that we've ever spoken it or said it, I definitely feel like, especially if ⁓ you're that you're handle dinner. Not to say that I don't know how to cook or I don't wanna cook, ⁓ but like you the time, why not? Yeah, and I just have. And you have, mean for... The majority of our marriage, you have been the one that has fed us and kept us. Kept you alive. Kept me alive. definitely, but one of those things again that we don't like, we don't ever verbalize it. It's just an assumption that we have, which is both good and bad, I think. Yeah. Well, some of them are as lighthearted as taking out the trash. Right, right. And it's those ones that I think that's where we get into situations where resentments and things can build. you know, case in point. my upbringing, right? So I think, and I don't know for sure, but I'm fairly certain that you have a general expectation of me. to let you in to how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, what's bothering me, what's not bothering me. And that for me is not the way I was raised. over the course of 20 years, it finally came to a head, I think. Not just that, but compounded with a lot of other things that have happened and gone on. And it's one of those situations where you don't, like, I don't think about it. For me, that's just what I do, right? I just, if something happens, up, man up, ⁓ deal with it. Or you internalize it and to kind of work through it in your mind. Right, right. for you ends up being a very scary thought. Yeah. The unknown is, is scary for me, but so is the silence. You know, I think they kind of go hand in hand, which unspoken are, ⁓ I they're silence cause you're, you're not talking about them. Right. ⁓ So That's when the silence for me just starts to create, always told you, if I don't have the answer, know the answer, my anxiety and worst case scenario will always fill that in for Right. And I think some of that for you, though, is also I mean, that's obviously tied a little bit to some of the things that we've gone through. But a majority, would say, has to do a lot more with some of the past relationships that you talked about in your story. Yeah. Where... individuals are not clear with you about what they were thinking or doing and they were out doing things that they shouldn't have been. And you know, the interesting thing about me and And maybe it's interesting, maybe it's not, but culturally, I feel like it's pretty, it's a set expectation that are men. And don't talk about your feelings. don't put your burden on anyone else. You deal with it, you work through it, you ⁓ suffer silence, and you just put your head down and do the work that you need to do. And that. ends up driving. up a little bit of a wall, I feel like. Because you, and me, the expectation is that I'm not gonna burden you, right? And my expectation that side of it is, well, you should just understand that I'm just dealing with it. Right. You should just automatically know that that's how I work and that's what I'm doing. ⁓ And it has to do Like my expectations, it has zero to do with you, just let me deal with it. that turns into a weird dynamic. Yeah, because my expectation is, well, we're a team. Like we need to verbalize it. We need to talk about it. We need to figure it out. We need to. So if you're not doing that, then it, you know, signals that in me. That's like something's wrong. Something's wrong with us. Yeah, you very much take it like. Well, he's mad at me or doesn't want to talk to me. Yeah, something going on in his mind that he's not telling me or. And for it's just like I'm just working through my own thing. ⁓ Like, let deal with it. I'll I'll be fine in a couple of days. Just. Yeah. But again, over time, and I don't know that it's built a lot of resentment, but I'm sure it's built some, you know, that I don't owe, that I'm not always so forthcoming with my emotions my thoughts. But I would say, you know, a majority of. couples partners and even you know friendships can deteriorate because people have these expectations that they don't talk about right which it know for full context I did not any of these expectations and so probably about you know a year ago six months ago ⁓ and vice versa. didn't know my thought process either. We didn't that each other. Right. We just made assumptions and. We just, it was just something we didn't talk about. and I think it's one of those things that you just, it's so obvious to the person. Like so obvious to me and my perspective and my little hole of the universe that, well, I mean, we haven't had any issues. So why would you think it has anything to do with us? Right. the flip side to that is in your little corner of the universe, it's a mindset ⁓ and it definitely can one of those ⁓ situations where you progress as you continue to, and I'm not even that it's always, you know, super heavy either. Like, you know, little things. Little things can start to snowball. ⁓ mean, the trash thing. There are times where I know ⁓ I don't take the trash out a few times a week or I forget a few times a week, like, it's annoying to you. It's not really annoying, it's just like, think sometimes with those expectations just start to think like... he can remember this, but he can't remember that or you know what I mean? And vice versa. Like, well, I was silent one point and she didn't think anything of it. So why is she upset now? Because I'm silent or, know, think it just, it's not really an annoyance. It's more of a confusion for me sometimes. Well, because it becomes at point, it becomes a misinterpretation between the two of And it can leave ⁓ person or the other feeling less seen or unheard. Yeah, especially over time as those build up, even if they're small, big, you know, start to stack up over time. Yeah, which I mean, in lot of relationships that does build, that is how resentment builds. ⁓ in your brain, I you may not be physically writing it down, but in your brain, you're taking score of all those times that they haven't the right thing that you're expecting them to do, that they haven't reacted the way that you anticipate they're gonna react, or some of those leads to situations that we're in. where there was, I mean, a tad bit of a disconnect. then ⁓ really took a hard conversation for us to get back on the same page. Yeah. Yeah. And think part of that was, like you said, like that they're starting to stack up and then, you know, there's ⁓ so many that's like, he's not seeing me, he's not hearing me, he's not like paying attention to why can't you me? so busy with the house and the kids and this and that. And for whatever reason, like you're in your own world, like your work and school. And, so after that starts to build, then you just really start feeling all of it compounded, like at once. Yeah. And it explodes. mean, doesn't, luckily for us with, it's never been explosive or anything like that. We've never. We're not really explosive people. We don't yell and that's just not how we've ever, like even though we're not on the same, not communicating how were years ago, ⁓ we're lot better now, but ⁓ we've been that type of communication. We've never been one to at each other or scream or fight that way. I think is why. when we do get a little bit loud, the kids freak out. They're like, ⁓ I mean, because we're just not those people. ⁓ don't, mean, obviously we don't run around screaming at our kids for every little thing. So, you when we do have to raise our voice to them, it's like, my God, ⁓ they're serious. serious. Mom's You know, it's one of those, it's, I mean, you go back to it. If in silence and in not clearing up those, those gaps and those, situations that you are not verbalizing and making known, ⁓ that silence is what ends up damaging or can the relationship. That silence is That's, I think that's why we always go back to. why communication is so important with little things, with big things, with everyday things, with, you know, you have to establish that communication with your partner. Yeah. Well, and with everybody, right? So the one thing that is fundamentally true for everybody is you do not know what another person's perspective is because you cannot truly, you can empathize to a point, but you cannot truly put yourself in the same mindset, same perspective, same background, same situations that have happened to fully understand their perspective is ⁓ whatever happening. ⁓ However reacting to things, however they have, you know, whatever expectations they might have because I mean, even our situation. In both of our minds, our expectations were very clear. And we're generally of pretty similar wavelength, pretty similar mindset. But even us, our expectations of each other were way different ⁓ we assumed. is why we continue to harp on, you know, being open and being able to talk through some of those things. Well, and I think some of that is because we never took the time like we do now not just communicate, but also like if I don't understand your point of view or your perspective on something, ⁓ I respect it and I don't discount it or I don't, you know, try to change it to what I want it to be. You know, and we've never done that before. mean, always just, no, I want you to see my perspective because it's the right perspective. And so ⁓ you then that resentment again, because you're not even trying ⁓ to my point of view. Right. Well, and that's that bit we talked about in a previous episode that, you know, that's, that's ⁓ a percent, that's ego. That's your ego telling you that you're the one that has to be right. Yeah. that your opinion is the only one that matters. But it's also a bit of that. Not even so much that you wanna be right, but that you don't wanna be wrong. And that's a hard one because even situations that we have encountered, it's not necessarily that either one of us is wrong. It's just that we see things completely different. Yeah, just two different perspectives. But I think it's real easy to get tied up in that, well, if I'm not right, I'm wrong. frame of mind, you know what I mean? Yeah, and it doesn't always have to be right or wrong. I mean, it does. Not always. it's, we're both right. Sometimes we're both wrong. But ⁓ generally try to ⁓ I like to think of everything in black and white. Like it's a yes or no. It's very, I don't like living in gray very much, but, but to that point, that is also the way I perceive black and white. It's not even necessarily the way you do. So it's one of those situations where you don't, you're never going to understand another person's full on motives or perspective unless you talk about it. And that a hundredfold when you're talking about expectations that you have for somebody. Because I mean, think about just our situation and You know, we've we've worked through a lot and we've done a lot. And obviously that's that's the whole point of this, right, is to be able to talk through and maybe share some some bits of insight with with others. Yeah. I mean, we get to the nitty gritty. But. It's through our, you know, conversations and ⁓ deep. Reflection. We have both also come to the understanding that your expectations of yourself my expectations of myself are more. ⁓ intense than our expectations are of each other. Yeah, we put those expectations on ourselves that are, we, for me personally, I put them on myself and they're not really And so I started to set myself up for failure because put these expectations on myself to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife. perfect, you know, like have the house always clean, the laundry was done, the lunch is always made, the dinners always made grocery shopping. I mean, there's just a whole list in my every day that I do. And so if one of those things didn't get done, I failed in my mind. That was my own expectation. it was, I it starts to compound those expectations of myself because I'm constantly in my mind letting myself down. and thinking, and then when I have those unspoken expectations of you, that also makes me feel unseen, unheard failure. So all of it compounded between those I have on you and the ones I put on myself. It's like at the end of every day. yeah, because you're living in the assumption that I have those same expectations. Yes. When the reality of it is, once we finally sat down and were able to talk about it, it was one of those situations where, I don't care if you do that stuff. I thought you wanted to do that. It doesn't bother me if it doesn't get done. And if you need help, we're here help. It's not anything that anybody's asking you do or expects you to do. But it's the same for me. I have all of these expectations about work and career and how I'm protecting the house and what I'm doing to make sure that the kids are taken care of and you're taken care of and that. And sometimes it gets to be a lot and you're the same way. It's very like nobody's asking you to do the 50 million things that you're trying to do. And you also don't put those on me. You don't expect me to. figure out. the career and the 10 year plan and the, you know, it's like. It's just a conversation that we had to have that finally allowed us to just kind of set all of that down step back and say, ⁓ don't have to put those on each other. We don't have to put those on ourselves. don't, I mean, ⁓ don't put them on our kids. I don't put it on you. Why are we putting it on ourselves? Right. And that's one of those situations ⁓ little bits of advice that we can offer anybody is when you are in a situation where you feel like you are not enough and when you feel like you are not living up to an expectation that you have of yourself, think of the grace that you would give a child, a friend, a parent, a significant other, a partner, whoever close to you. You know, think of that in your mind. Would you have that same expectation of that person that you are setting for yourself? Right. Which in 99 % of those cases, you would not. You would not, yeah. And maybe it's not that high of a percentage, you know, cause I don't know everybody's situation either. Yeah. I mean, majority, I would say probably would be like, yeah, I would never expect that of my kid or I would never expect that of my husband. Right. But it's so easy to expect that of yourself. But it has also given us the opportunity to have those conversations, to be able to reframe the way we speak to each other. We don't necessarily approach it anymore and talked about this a little bit where we laid ground rules for some of the ⁓ hard but even on the topics, it's not so much what am I doing, it's ⁓ how can I Yeah. Yeah, it's. I need this instead of why didn't you do this or you should have done this. You know, it's like I, I need you to take out the trash because it's just one thing that's like an added to my already four hour cleaning that I do. Or just a simple ask of, can you take out this? Yeah. Cause I, it's something that like, It sounds very simple, but it is so low on my priority list that I just don't think about it. Right. I'm sure that there's things like that for you as well, where it's like, Hey, I need, you know, I need laundry soap or I need, you know, soap or shower stuff. Can you stop by the store and do whatever? Yeah. and of me being upset that you're out, there's none. ⁓ Right. So it's, one of those, it's just an example to say that people will are likely to approach a situation a lot more open-minded if you're asking for help. Yeah, ⁓ I think too it's important to consider that person. Like for us it was like I needed to consider you and your day and the things that you do do a basis or whatever and it's like and even the things that I do it's like I have to consider and give that grace to you because like you said, it's very low on your priority list because you have so many other things your list that need to give you that grace and like, yeah, he's forgot to take out the trash because he's literally working so we have the things we have or, know, and ⁓ vice It's like, I think of how many things ⁓ on list every single day. you know, and need that grace in Well, yeah, I didn't even know or think to get you soap because ⁓ that's on my priority list to go check the bathroom every single day to see what everybody's out of or, know, so. And I guess that's that leads us to another just simple one, right? That's an unexpected expectation. Like I expect that as you're me to take out the trash and do some of the things around the house, you know, the yard or whatever it may be. Like you're the one that gets the groceries and gets the stuff for the house. And again, it's one of those things where I don't think people talk about. Like what that expectation? Oftentimes you will that it's not even the expectation that is the problem. It's that they don't talk it. Which we can attest to. ⁓ For us, it got to point where... ⁓ I mean, we were not communicating well. were not able to have a conversation about what was really bothering us because there was so many little underlying things that we hadn't addressed. Right. That it compounds and compounds and compounds. many of those, unspoken expectations that were unmet that just kept piling up that by the time you went to talk about one Yeah, it's like 15 different things that blow up and you're like, well, this and this and this and this and this and this. then both of you are just feeling like, well, crap. I'm I'm I'm I failed. I'm a failure. can't do anything right. You know. So it's. It's about being able to have a constructive conversation and being able to, you know, communicate in the light so that. your needs can be met and you can meet the needs of others. Because in anything that's expected of you that you don't know, are you ever gonna live up to that? Yeah, you can't. mean... You don't know what's out there as an expectation of you. So there's no way that you'll be able to, meet that expectation. And communicating talking about it, even the little things, the big things, ⁓ you know, giving each other that chance to meet those expectations and to show up for each other instead of ⁓ just expecting in silence ⁓ and constantly. feeling. unseen or unheard because they're not meeting them. Right. I don't want to paint it like it's always going to be positive either. Yeah. Because there are going to be situations where it's an that you have that that person cannot meet or, you know, meet. Yeah. But through conversation and through communication. And through a lot of grace. It is my experience that even in those dark times, shedding light on the situation provides a path forward. Whether that path forward is mutually beneficial for both of you, whether that path forward is going your separate ways, whatever that may be, it does at least provide that. level playing field where you both know what you need you can start to move forward. And you can understand that. it is something you can move forward together on and try to meet those needs and want to meet those needs or you say, I can't meet those needs, I can't meet those expectations. ⁓ maybe I don't want to meet those expectations. Yeah, I don't want to, but least like you said, you have, it's out there. ⁓ You've about it, you've communicated it, and there's unsaid. And that's. Honestly, the light that you can bring to relationship. Because in that ⁓ darkest when a marriage may failing, things are happening that should not have happened, whatever it may be, whatever the situation may be, being able to put it out there so that It is out there for everybody in the, in the, you know, situation involved to know. Yeah. Does bring that spark of light and it does create that again, that, that basis of understanding that, okay, this is where we are right now. Yeah. And these are the options for where we're headed. Yeah. And I think a lot of the time you'll also find. that communication is connection. Just by communicating, that could be spark of ⁓ that you again. I ⁓ like did for us and it opened us up to want to communicate even Yeah, I mean, there's nothing now that I'm... scared to converse with you or communicate with you about because the other side of it is you learn to find out that like especially it's true in my case like you give me a ton of grace. Yeah, vice versa. is one of those things that when you ⁓ grow up in the environment that I grew up with. And I mean, like I said, I've told everybody before, I had a great childhood, my parents were great, but it does allow for ⁓ to see another person offering you unconditional love. outside of your parental structure, ⁓ core family unit or whatever it may be. It's I want for my kids, you know what mean? The same thing. I give them the same grace that I give you. Because I know how hard life can be and I know ⁓ how situations be and I know how hard they are on themselves and you are on yourself. So why would I not want to try and support you in any way that I can? But. It's when you to communicate and stay silent. that things get hard. They get hard and they, mean it's just so much unknown. that leads to, like we said, all the assumptions, all the walls that you put up after a while because of that silence. It's just, silence is dangerous. Human is to protect yourself from anything could harm you, right? So the funny thing silence is it's going to create whatever narrative it feels is the most safe. Whether that's, mean that's gonna be highly dependent on what your situation is ⁓ some of those issues as well. But you know, it's gonna create the narrative that is going to create the best outcome and whatever that may be, it could very much lead to, now you're creating walls so that you're not getting hurt. So you're not letting people in, you're not connecting with people on a different level. But that also sets you up for not being able to get your needs met and your expectations met as well. but. It's. not always it's not always not I mean, I do feel like sometimes you find out some very interesting things when you do start to verbalize some of those expectations that you have of somebody else. I feel like through our conversations, I have found that there is a lot of things that I assumed that you had expectations of me that you just don't. You know it lifts that yeah, I mean you said earlier it lifts that weight of like ⁓ okay ⁓ it's something that you probably would would worry about constantly And It you focus your energy on other things Yeah, and what's important I feel like a lot of those things are a lot of them ⁓ unspoken expectations the grand scheme of things are just not that important, you Yeah, I mean, mean, truthfully, it's one of those situations where is this going to matter in, you know, five years? It's going to matter in five minutes. Is it going to matter in five hours? Like, yeah. You know, I think we've run into situations where we're arguing and we both realize like, this is a stupid argument. Yeah, it's. Does it to matter at the end of the day when you get home and or having dinner and then hanging out with the kids or whatever, it's not gonna matter. Neither one of us is gonna be thinking about it, worrying about it, so are we even having this conversation? which leads back to. you know, asking for your needs to be met. It really just does help provide clarity more than anything. If proceed through day just assuming that everybody knows what you're thinking, you're going to be pretty unhappy throughout your day. And that is bigger takeaway that everybody should have is that through clear communication and through clear clarity of situations, ⁓ you on a selfish level should want that peace it's easy to be upset with the 15, 20, 30, 40, 100 people you come across in a day because they don't understand what you expect. But it's good for your... mental, it's not good for your stress, it's not good for your, mean, it wears on the body to go through life that way. being able to express yourself in a manner that lets people know what you expect and how you, it's not, I'm not even saying that, again, sometimes people aren't gonna meet those expectations that you have set, but if you've made them very clear, you and I think of like work, right? So like at work, how am gonna be mad at somebody that doesn't know that I need them to do a specific duty or a specific job, right? And how I expect them to get it done. but. I may let them know this is, know, A, B, C, and D, this is what needs to happen, this is how it needs to happen. I have less stress now because I know that if they don't meet that expectation, like, okay, well, from there, I know what the outcome needs to be. Right. Not, well, being in my head of, well, they just don't want to listen. ⁓ they just don't want to work. You know, to point, the 50 million other things that are going to run through your brain to answer unknown. Which again, it's that thing of clarity is going to give you peace of mind. It's going to let you go throughout your day and give you that opportunity to really focus on what matters. So, you know. Hopefully you guys are getting some gems from some of this talk and conversation. We do appreciate everybody listening. and we implore you to share your light with others. So we wish you a blessed ⁓ and we'll you on the next one.