Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / 6 Signs of a people pleaser

Transcript

6 Signs of a people pleaser · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey y'all, Doc David here with another episode of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: And today on Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: we are going to talk about the five signs of a people pleaser.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully you aren't one, and if you are one, maybe you'll find out what to do about it.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Hey y'all, it's Dr.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: David with uh Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't even know what episode this is.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: I just know I I don't keep track of the episodes, I just do podcasts and and publish them.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: But thanks for listening.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: For those of you that are tuning in and sending me questions, I appreciate that.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I've I just have been running into kind of some different personalities of people recently.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, today I just had an interaction with definitely a toxic person.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I I thought, man, I need to do another podcast about this kind of interaction.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I realized, oh wait, I already have an interaction.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I already have a podcast about toxic people.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: So if you if you're wanting to know like how to know what a toxic person is, how kind of the traits of a toxic person, um, if you look through my episodes, there is a podcast on that.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um today I want to talk about people pleasers.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: So um a lot of times people pleasers are seen as um, I mean, they're a lot of times they're called doormats because when you're a people pleaser, you often get stepped on pretty easily.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: And um people pleasers are also known as martyrs as well, like they're the ones that take the fall for everyone, they're the one that they're the one that tries to make uh everything peaceful a lot of times.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was trying to think about um people that I know that are people pleasers and clients that I've interacted with that are people pleasers, and so I came up with a couple um six uh traits of a people pleaser that um you know you could maybe pay attention to these, and if you find these to be true in your own life, then it might be uh something it might signify that you tend to be a people pleaser, or you may be able to identify somebody that is a people pleaser and kind of give them some loving advice about maybe how they could do things differently.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um and it's it's just like anything, it's a behavior pattern.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: It it's not like a personality disorder, it's just kind of it's a behavior pattern that people get stuck into or people trip into just because of how they were raised or or experiences that they've had in life or emotional issues that have never got resolved from when they were a kid.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's just kind of how they interact with the world.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's not right or wrong.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um I mean, I suppose you could sit and say that it's right or wrong, but I tend to usually think that these behavior patterns are just what is, and if a person um interacts with the world in this way and they interact fine and they're okay with being this way, then I mean that's they're not probably going to change their behavior.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um I tell these I I talk about these traits more for people that are confused when they interact with people that are either toxic or people that are people pleasers, and so they come away from relationships and they're confused by these relationships.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't understand why this kind of thing keeps happening with this person.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um well, it's because this person is a toxic person, and these are the five traits that usually go with that type of person, and so then you have a decision to make.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: You either decide that you're gonna continue interacting with that person, or you decide that you're not going to continue interacting with that person.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you a personal example.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: So I won't any names, but I just had a a text interaction with with somebody, and it it was very typical.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this person is someone that I think I I've had that I think I know.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I I've had other toxic interactions with them where um I point out something that they have done to either offend or hurt me, or offend or hurt somebody else, and then um they don't apologize, and then they make accusations or assumptions, and they tell me what I need to do to get over whatever the issue is.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um they don't address it, they don't try to make things right.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I had this interaction, and I went back and I looked at my article that I wrote, and I I realized, you know what, at some point you have to make a decision that I'm not just I'm just not gonna interact with that person anymore because of that uh because of that toxicity in the relationship.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was so I just had one of those interactions.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: So just so you know, I'm not and I say that because I want people to know that I'm not above all these things that I talk about, like I'm in the mix.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: I I have interactions with people that are toxic, that are people pleasers.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I meet with clients also.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I have friends that are like that, and so I have to create boundaries and and and create some distance at times between um myself and those people.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get to the people pleaser.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: So the people pleaser, um, the first trait, and none of these are in any particular order, it's just kind of how I wrote it.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um so new friends mean the world to people pleasers, and here's why.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: These new friends um they don't know the people pleaser, and thus they can't judge them.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of the things that the people pleaser does not want to be uh does not want to have happen to them.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: They do not want to be judged.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: So they work hard at um making new friends and focusing on new friends.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um they the people pleaser tends to let these new friends know that they are super important, they invite them to events, they make them the center of attention, and so these new friends think, wow, this person, the people pleaser, um, really wants to be a close friend with me.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: The problem is that um after a few months of the of the new people there, other new people come up and show up, and the people pleaser moves on.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now, they don't completely ignore the old the old new friends, they still will interact with them and give them you know just um just the right amount of interaction that will keep the old new friends interested.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um but new friends mean the world to a people pleaser.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: So um opinion number two is opinions of others are all important.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: So people pleasers a lot of times have difficulty in how they view themselves, and how other view how others view them is super important.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Validation from others becomes super important.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um if someone challenges them or if someone questions the way that they a view that they have or an opinion that they have, they they often will avoid that person or eliminate that person from their circle of friends because they can't handle the the negative the potentially negative interaction, even if it's a small interaction, they can't handle that negative interaction.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: So appearance becomes the becomes important to the people pleasers.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: They need to make um sure that they're doing the coolest things or doing the latest things, their kids are doing the coolest things than the latest things, and so you can see like with the advent of social media, um, oh man, it is so much easier for a people pleaser to keep up appearances.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, not only do people ple pleasers keep up appearances, people in general keep up appearances on social media, but the opinions of others are are all important.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Along with that is number three, confrontation is avoided.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said earlier, you know, no one really likes confrontation, and and there have been times that people say, Oh, well, David, you like confrontation, and I don't actually like it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's not something that I sit back and I think, yes, I can't wait to have a confrontation.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't mind it that much.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um if a person is if a person's willing to like stay friends and they have a different opinion than me, I'm I love like kind of interacting back and forth and and talking through it.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: The problem I have with confrontation is that so many times you have an interaction with somebody, and especially on Facebook, because it's so like unpersonal, but you have a negative interaction with somebody, and then the next time you see them, it's just so awkward because either they're not your friend or you did it on Facebook and and you said rude things, and and so I don't mind confrontation, but a people pleaser does not want confrontation, they'll even probably lose sleep over a potential uh confrontation.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And and the problem is with the confrontation for a people pleaser, it um it there's this um chance that they will appear that like weaknesses will appear.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And if weaknesses will appear, then they don't appear as cool or hip or or mainstream, and so they keep shallow relationships pretty they have a lot of shallow relationships.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: And deeper relationships take work, and they deeper relationships oft often include um confrontations and critiques of behavior, which a people pleaser does not want.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um another thing for people pleasers is that time management does not exist, so they're they're constantly moving to like keep on the go.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Keeping on the go keeps them from being discontent.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because when a people pleaser um stops and kind of contemplates life, discontentment can see in and they do not want to be discontent.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: So they tend to not have time management because they over they overcommit to things because they don't want to ever say no to somebody because then that would make them look bad.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: So they overcommit to things, and this is the thing where it's crazy.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: They overcommit to things, so then they actually do have to not go to things, and then they actually do end up looking bad.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: So they agree, they look good because they agree to something.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um then they come up with a legitimate excuse for why they can't keep the actual commitment, and it could be a legitimate excuse.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna say that they're lying, but but they overcommit and then things come up where they have to then um back out of things.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I've where I've seen it happen is um the people pleaser is married to somebody who has to make the excuse for why they can't do whatever it is that they were that that the people pleaser had agreed to do.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's definitely challenges in relationships if you're married to a people pleaser.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um for a people pleaser, if they get stuck emotionally, it gets difficult.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: So being nice is more important than being real.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um they're more compelled to be nice instead of expressing how they really feel about things, because if they express how they really feel about things, um they someone may not agree and it could lead to a confrontation.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um and this would cause a people pleaser to feel overwhelmed because somehow they are less of a person if a if someone were to think poorly of them.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: So a a lot of their um a lot of their esteem is caught up into how they look and how they appear to others.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I think there's a theme there that we've been talking about.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um and then the a final thing that would identify that you can identify people pleasers, there's this constant pressure to perform and keep up appearances.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, like I said earlier, um Facebook and social media make it pretty easy because you can, you know, get the exact posed shot that you want and um you don't have to do a lot of work and then you know the job is done because wow, look at this perfect family.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, look at that perfect Christmas that they have, wow, so great.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: It would be so amazing to be in your family.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of thing makes a people pleasers day.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: So do it due to the constant pressure to perform and keep up appearances, they often suffer from uh anxiety and discontentment and and a fear of discontentment.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: And and you know, anxiety is a mental health issue, discontentment isn't necessarily a mental a mental health issue.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, I've seen it where this anxiety and discontentment ha leads to poor family relationships.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean there have been um like if a people pleaser is married to somebody that just kind of likes life to be real, there's some real problems that can come up there.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I've seen it, and that's been in in my office as I've worked with couples.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um so if you run into this type of personality behavior or this type of behavior in a person, um they don't need your judgment, they actually need your help.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess it's gonna be hard to go up to them and say, I know that you're a people pleaser, so you need to change things because they don't necessarily want to change things because it would have to be a radical transformation in their life, and a lot of times it's um things go really well for a people pleaser because everyone likes a people pleaser because they will do everything for you.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: But the problem is in the doing everything for you, the people pleaser gets worn out, overwhelmed, anxious, discontent, and their immediate surrounding relationships suffer, like relationships with their kids suffer, relationships with their husbands suffer.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because those are people that get to see you at your worst, and so for a people pleaser, it's like, yeah, they get to see me at my worst, whatever.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna I need to keep up these appearances to people that are outside of my my circ my inner circle here.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so if you know somebody that's a people pleaser, um based on these traits that I've given you, I guess you can interact with them appropriately, knowing that you know, maybe don't ask them to commit to certain things, or maybe don't rely on them as much as you're wanting to, because it in the end it's gonna overwhelm their relationships in in their home and their more intimate relationships, which are usually family related.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they need someone willing to accept their ways while also while also being willing to make consistent attempts to help them see that there is another way to interact with people.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um and like I said earlier, there is no right or wrong, it's just a different way to interact.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: And some people will never change because they value being able to interact as a people pleaser pleasers.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Others may want to change because it just overwhelms them and they see how it's damaging the relationships in their home.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully that's been helpful to you.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any more questions about it, feel free to email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com or go to my Facebook page, Doc David, give me a like and let me know that you're listening.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Have a great day.