Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Finding Light In The Dark - A Client's Journey Through Divorce

Transcript

Finding Light In The Dark - A Client's Journey Through Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrantry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast, Finding Light in the Dark: A Journey Through Divorce.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is often described as a journey, which you know I guess it is, and it's not always a straight line or an easy, direct route.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So today I wanted to share a personal story about one of my one-on-one clients, and I share this with her full permission, even her hope that her telling her story might help one of you.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this gorgeous woman has recently finalised her divorce, her property settlement, parenting arrangements.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: It has been a long, complex, layered, difficult, high conflict experience.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: This was one divorce, one family that we could not keep out of the court system.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: A client who necessarily had to navigate some of the hardest routes through her separation and divorce with three young children.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And what she shared with me recently about her divorce was something we had spoken about in our work together.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that was that for her, divorce and her journey through divorce was at times like being in a cold, dark tunnel.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: She described her experience of divorce, and remember, this was a very high-conflict divorce with lots of layers and lots of complexities.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: So this might not be your exact story, but she described it as being like being in a dark tunnel, a place where the way forward wasn't always clear, where she was at times not sure if she should just stand still and wait, or she should move forward.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes she was just taking steps blindly in what she hoped was the right direction, and there were times where every moment felt uncertain or loaded.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: She told me, and we talked about the moments when she felt like she was in that dark tunnel, wading through mud, or knee deep in the weeds, sometimes on her hands and knees, crawling through that mud, struggling to make any sort of progress or to feel like she was moving forward at all, or where you know the weeds were like it was like being stuck in the kelp in the seaweed tendrils, holding her back, tugging her back, dragging at her, and she had to fight them off and pull them off her legs and arms to be able to make any sort of forward progress, any forward momentum.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And at other times she talked about how it felt like there were waves crashing into the tunnel and crashing over her just constantly.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Next wave, next wave, leaving her just overwhelmed and exhausted.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And every time she tried to stand up and move forward, a wave would come at her and crash over her.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And because it was dark, the waves would come seemingly out of nowhere.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: She had no way to anticipate when the next one would hit or from what direction it might come.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then she talked about the days where all she could do was lie down on the floor of the tunnel and wait, just to rest in the darkness until she could build up her capacity and find the inner strength, find the courage, find the conviction to move forward, to keep going, one small and tender step forward at a time.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: But she talked mostly about how she knew.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: She just knew that although she sometimes couldn't see them or hear them or even feel them, she just knew that there were others in that tunnel with her, holding space for her.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: She knew she wasn't alone.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: There were others in there with her, even if she couldn't always see them or feel their presence, she knew that they were there.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, they were her friends, her team, her catchers.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: They were her family, and they were her professional team.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Legal advisers, therapists, counselors, independent children's lawyers, me, um, financial advisors.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: We were all in there with her.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes her kids were in their own version of the tunnel, but she also knew that they were never completely alone, too.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: There were others, including her, but there were others in their tunnel, as well as others in her own tunnel.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the people in her tunnel, we would sit quietly with her, just holding space, offering comfort, support, love, and care just by being there, just by being in that space, in that hard, dark, cold, lonely space with her.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: At other times, the people in her tunnel were ahead of her, calling out to her from a distance, from up ahead, encouraging, cheering her on, calling her forward, offering support, encouragement, advice, calling her forward to what they knew was possible, holding the possibility of the light at the end of the tunnel.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the people in her tunnel were behind her, holding her, gently encouraging, pushing, nudging her forward, or simply just standing there and holding solidly so she didn't slip back.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't slip backwards.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: The people in her tunnel had her back.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, you know, sometimes these people in her tunnel, she said, picked her up and carried her a little way when she just could not keep going by herself.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And also, even in the darkness of that tunnel, she said there were always tiny chinks of light breaking through, small glimpses of hope, and the reminder that the tunnel would end, she would reach the end, little chinks of light that were hope or joy or love or laughter, glimpses, glimmers, chinks of light that reassured her she wouldn't be in that tunnel forever.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: There was something on the other side, and it was love and light and joy and agency and choice and freedom.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And she said that when she was thinking about this whole metaphor concept about the tunnel, journey through the darkness, when she thought about me and the role I played in her journey, she said something that really, really spoke to me.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it spoke to the why, the why I do what I do.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, and of course I'm paraphrasing, but she said something like, You were right in that tunnel with me.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes just holding me steady, holding my back so I didn't slip backwards.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you were the one up ahead, reminding me of what was in front of me, what was possible for me, what was at the other end of the tunnel.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, but mostly when I was in that tunnel in the darkness, you were the torch I needed.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You were the torch.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You shone light on the hard things and the difficult things, the things I didn't want to face.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: You shone light into the corners and the shadows I didn't want to look in.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You shone a light on the shadows and at the things I didn't even know were there.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You were the torch, you were my torch, you were the light I needed to find my way out of the tunnel.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Her words were just such a powerful reminder of what this work I do is really about.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is not just a legal thing, it's not just a legal process, it's not just a legal journey, it's an emotional, mental, and sometimes spiritual journey.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here for a while, listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I believe it takes a village, it takes a team.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: You need more than just a lawyer, you need that team in your tunnel because it is about navigating that darkness.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is about facing the unknown, uncovering what you don't know, but you need to know, what you need to understand.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's about avoiding the big potholes or the sinkholes, the quicksand in your own tunnel.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's about borrowing, learning tips and tools and strategies and knowledge.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's about building a skill set and a team so you don't miss things and fall into the traps along the way.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about finding your way to the other side, to the outside of the tunnel, to the light that's out there waiting for you.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: As a divorce coach, I'm here to be that torch in the tunnel, to shine the light on parts of your journey that feel just impossible to face alone or to face at all, to shine a light on the paths and the possibilities that you didn't know existed to get yourself out of the tunnel and to help you find your way step by step toward the future that you know you know deep down is possible for you, the future you want to create for yourself, even if you're in the mud and the weeds and the crashing waves of your own tunnel.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also in there with you, or I'm also there with you if you're terrified to even take the first step into the tunnel because you know, you know what's coming, you know it's going to be dark and hot, cold, and hard and lonely, it's gonna be difficult and challenging and scary, and there are parts of it you really don't want to look at or think about.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I will gently shine a torch on those parts of the journey, those really hard and scary parts, and we will look at them together.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't have to do this alone.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you do need a light in your tunnel, even if you're not sure you want to step into the tunnel, if you need someone to be your torch, to shine a light on the hard and scary things, to make sure you don't stumble, fall into a sinkhole or a pothole, and make costly, and when I say costly, I mean costly in all the ways, mentally, emotionally, practically, energetically, financially.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you, if you need someone to shine a light on things to make sure you don't miss anything or make costly mistakes, let's have a chat because that's what I do, and I would love to support you through your tunnel to the light that's waiting for you, to the liberation that is waiting for you, to the freedom and the joy and the life that you know you are most worthy of creating for yourself.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Bit of a sermon today, I suppose, on the podcast, a bit of a ranty sermon, but this is what I do, and this is why I'm so passionate about people having a team in their journey, a team in their tunnel.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you know someone who is in the tunnel, in the weeds, and who would find this supportive and helpful, please share it with them.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: If that's you, there's a link in the show notes.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can book a free intro call with me to discuss having me as your torch and your coach and your guide through the tunnel.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,