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Idiot - John Kendrick Bangs · Bill Nye's Sparks

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  Speaker 1: Part one of The Idiot by John Kendrick Bangs. This
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  Speaker 1: is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
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  Speaker 1: public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
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  Speaker 1: LibriVox dot org. Reading by Greg Marguerite, Part one of
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  Speaker 1: The Idiot by John Kendrick Bangs, Chapter one. For some
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  Speaker 1: weeks after the happy event which transformed the popular Missus
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  Speaker 1: Smithers into the charming missus John Pedagogue, all went well
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  Speaker 1: at that lady's select home for single gentlemen. It was
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  Speaker 1: only proper that during the honeymoon at least of the
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  Speaker 1: happy couple, hostilities between the idiot and his fellow borders
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  Speaker 1: should cease. It was afecting too much of mankind, however,
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  Speaker 1: to look for a continued armistice. And the morning arrived
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  Speaker 1: when nature once more reasserted herself and trouble began. Just
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  Speaker 1: what it was that prompted the remark, no one knows,
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  Speaker 1: but it happened that the idiot did say that he
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  Speaker 1: thought that, after all, life on a canal boat had
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  Speaker 1: its advantages. Mister Pedagogue, who had come into the dining
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  Speaker 1: room in a slightly irritable frame of mind, induced perhaps
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  Speaker 1: by missus Pedagog's insistence that as he was now part
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  Speaker 1: proprietor of the house, he should be a little more
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  Speaker 1: prompt in making his contributions towards its maintenance, chose to
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  Speaker 1: take the remark as implying a reflection upon the way
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  Speaker 1: things were managed in the household. Humph, he said, I
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  Speaker 1: had hoped that your habit of airing your idiotic views
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  Speaker 1: had been put aside for once and for all. Very
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  Speaker 1: absurd hope, my dear sir observed, the idiot views that
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  Speaker 1: are not aired become musty. Why shouldn't I give them
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  Speaker 1: an atmospheric opportunity once in a while, because they are
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  Speaker 1: the sort of use to which suffocation is the most
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  Speaker 1: appropriate end, snapped the schoolmaster. Any man who asserts, as
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  Speaker 1: you have asserted, that life on a canal boat has
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  Speaker 1: its advantages ought to go further and prove his sincerity
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  Speaker 1: by living on one. I can't afford it, said the
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  Speaker 1: idiot meekly. It isn't cheap by any manner of means.
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  Speaker 1: In the first place, you can't live happily on a
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  Speaker 1: canal boat unless you can afford to keep horses. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: canal boat life is a combination of the most expensive luxuries,
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  Speaker 1: since it combines yachting and driving with domesticity. Nevertheless, if
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  Speaker 1: you will put your mind on it, you will find
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  Speaker 1: that with a canal boat for your home, you can
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  Speaker 1: do a great many things that you can't do with
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  Speaker 1: a house. I decline to put my mind on a
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  Speaker 1: canal boat, said mister Pedagogue, sharply passing his coffee back
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  Speaker 1: to missus Pettogog for another lump of sugar, thereby contributing
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  Speaker 1: to that good lady's discomfiture since before their marriage, the
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  Speaker 1: mere fact that the coffee had been poured by her
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  Speaker 1: fair hand had given it all the sweetness it needed.
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  Speaker 1: Or at least that was what the schoolmaster had said,
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  Speaker 1: and more than once at dead. You are under no
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  Speaker 1: obligation to do so, the idiot returned. Though, if I
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  Speaker 1: had a mind like yours, I'd put it on a
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  Speaker 1: canal boat and have it towed away somewhere out of sight.
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  Speaker 1: These other gentlemen, however, I think, will agree with me
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  Speaker 1: when I say that the mere fact that a canal
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  Speaker 1: boat can be moved about the country and is in
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  Speaker 1: no sense a fixture anywhere, shows that as a dwelling
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  Speaker 1: place it is a superior house. Take this house for instance.
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  Speaker 1: This neighborhood used to be the best in town. It
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  Speaker 1: is still far from being the worst neighborhood in town,
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  Speaker 1: but it is as it has been for several years deteriorating.
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  Speaker 1: The establishment of a Turkish bath on one corner and
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  Speaker 1: a grocery store on the other has taken away much
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  Speaker 1: of that air of refinement which characterized it when the
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  Speaker 1: block was devoted to residential purposes. Entirely. Now, just suppose
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  Speaker 1: for a moment that this street were a canal, and
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  Speaker 1: that this house were a canal boat. The canal could
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  Speaker 1: run down as much as it pleased, The neighborhood could
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  Speaker 1: deteriorate eternally, but it could not affect the value of
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  Speaker 1: this house as the home of refined people, as long
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  Speaker 1: as it was possible to hitch up a team of
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  Speaker 1: horses to the front stoop and tow it into a
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  Speaker 1: better locality. I'd like to wager every man at this
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  Speaker 1: table that missus Pedagogue wouldn't take five minutes to make
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  Speaker 1: up her mind to tow this house up to a
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  Speaker 1: spot near Central Park if it were a canal boat
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  Speaker 1: and the streets were wood instead of a mixture of
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  Speaker 1: wooter sand and Belgian blocks. No takers, said the bibliomaniac.
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  Speaker 1: Tut tut, tut. Ejaculated, mister p Ague, you seem to
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  Speaker 1: lose sight of another fact, said the idiot, warming up
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  Speaker 1: to his subject. If man had had this sense in
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  Speaker 1: the beginning to adopt the canal boat system of life,
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  Speaker 1: and we were used to that sort of thing, it
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  Speaker 1: would not be so hard upon us in summer time,
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  Speaker 1: when we have to live in hotels in order that
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  Speaker 1: we and our families may reap the benefits of a
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  Speaker 1: period of country life. We could simply drive off to
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  Speaker 1: that section of the country where we desired to be.
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  Speaker 1: Hotels would not be needed. If a man could take
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  Speaker 1: his house along with him into the fields, and one
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  Speaker 1: phase of life, which has more bad than good in it,
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  Speaker 1: would be entirely obliterated. There is nothing more disturbing to
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  Speaker 1: the serenity of a domestic man's mind than the artificial
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  Speaker 1: manner of living that prevails in most summer hotels. The
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  Speaker 1: nuisance of having to pay bills every Monday morning under
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  Speaker 1: the penalty of losing one's luggage would be obviated, and
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  Speaker 1: all the comforts of home would be directly within reach.
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  Speaker 1: The trouble incident upon getting the trunks packed and the
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  Speaker 1: children ready for a long day's journey by rail, and
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  Speaker 1: the fatigue arising from such a journey would be reduced
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  Speaker 1: to a minimum. The trouble's attendant, upon going into a
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  Speaker 1: far country and leaving one's house in the sole charge
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  Speaker 1: of a lot of servants for a month or two
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  Speaker 1: every year, would be done away with entirely. And if
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  Speaker 1: at any time it became necessary to discharge one of
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  Speaker 1: these servants, she could be put off the boat in
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  Speaker 1: an instant, and then the boat could be pushed out
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  Speaker 1: into the middle of the canal, so that the discharged
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  Speaker 1: domestic could not possibly get aboard again and take her
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  Speaker 1: revenge by smashing your crockery and fixtures. That is one
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  Speaker 1: of the worst features of living in a stationary house.
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  Speaker 1: You are entirely at the mercy of vindictive servants. They
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  Speaker 1: know precisely where you live, and you cannot escape them.
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  Speaker 1: They can come back when there is no man around
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  Speaker 1: and raise several varieties of ned with your wife and children.
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  Speaker 1: With a move such as the canal boat would be,
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  Speaker 1: you could always go off and leave your family in
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  Speaker 1: perfect safety. How about safety in a storm asked the bibliomaniac,
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  Speaker 1: safety in a storm, echoed the idiot. That seems an
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  Speaker 1: absurd sort of question to one who knows anything about
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  Speaker 1: canal boats. I, for one, never heard of a canal
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  Speaker 1: boat being seriously damaged in a storm, as long as
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  Speaker 1: it was anchored in the canal proper. It certainly isn't
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  Speaker 1: any more dangerous to be in a canal boat in
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  Speaker 1: a storm than it is to be in a house
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  Speaker 1: that offers resistance to the winds and is shaken from
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  Speaker 1: roof to cellar at every blast. More houses have been
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  Speaker 1: blown from their foundations than canal boats sunk, provided ordinary
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  Speaker 1: care has been taken to protect them. And you think
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  Speaker 1: the canal boat would be healthy, asked the doctor. How
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  Speaker 1: about dampness and all that? That is a professional question,
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  Speaker 1: returned the idiot, which I think you could answer better
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  Speaker 1: than I. I don't see why a canal boat shouldn't
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  Speaker 1: be healthy. However, the dampness would not amount to very much.
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  Speaker 1: It would be outside of one's dwelling and not within it,
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  Speaker 1: as it is the case with so many houses. A
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  Speaker 1: canal boat having no sellar could not have a damp one.
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  Speaker 1: And if by some untoward circumstance, it should spring a leak.
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  Speaker 1: The wooter could be pumped out at once and the
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  Speaker 1: leak plugged up. However this might be. I'll offer another
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  Speaker 1: wager to this board on that point, and that is
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  Speaker 1: that more people die in houses than on canal boats.
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  Speaker 1: We'd rather give you our money right out, retorted the doctor.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you, said the idiot. But I don't need money.
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  Speaker 1: I don't like money. Money is responsible for more extravagance
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  Speaker 1: than any other commodity in existence. Besides, it and I
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  Speaker 1: are not intimate enough to get along very well together,
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  Speaker 1: and when I have any I immediately do my level
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  Speaker 1: best to rid myself of it, but to return to
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  Speaker 1: our canal boat. I note a look of disapproval in
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  Speaker 1: mister Whitechoker's eyes. He doesn't seem to think any more
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  Speaker 1: of my scheme than do the rest of you, which
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  Speaker 1: I regret, since I believe that he would be the
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  Speaker 1: gainer if land edifices were supplanted by the canal system,
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  Speaker 1: as proposed by myself. Take church on a rainy morning,
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  Speaker 1: for instance, A great many people stay at home from
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  Speaker 1: church on rainy mornings, just because they do not want
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  Speaker 1: to venture out in the wed Suppose we all lived
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  Speaker 1: in canal boats. Would not people be deprived of this
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  Speaker 1: flimsy pretext for staying at home if their homes could
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  Speaker 1: be towed up to the church door. Or better yet,
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  Speaker 1: granting that churches followed out the same plan and were
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  Speaker 1: themselves constructed like canal boats, how easy it would be
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  Speaker 1: for the sexton to drive the church around the town
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  Speaker 1: and collect the absentees. In the same manner, it would
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  Speaker 1: be glorious for men like ourselves who have to go
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  Speaker 1: to their daily toil. Consideration, Missus Pedagogue could have us
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  Speaker 1: driven to our various places of business every morning, returning
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  Speaker 1: for us in the evening. Think how fine it would
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  Speaker 1: be for me, for instance, instead of having to come
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  Speaker 1: home every night in an overcrowded elevated train or on
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  Speaker 1: a cable car, to have the office boy come and
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  Speaker 1: announce Missus pedagog select home for gentlemen is at the door.
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  Speaker 1: Mister idiot, I could step right out of my office
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  Speaker 1: into my charming little bedroom up in the bow, and
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  Speaker 1: the time usually expended on the cars could be devoted
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  Speaker 1: to dressing for tea. Then we could stop in at
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  Speaker 1: the courthouse for our legal friend. And as for doctor Capsule,
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't he revel in driving this boarding house about town
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  Speaker 1: on his daily rounds among his patients. What would become
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  Speaker 1: of my office hours, asked the doctor if this house
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  Speaker 1: were whirling giddaly all about the city from morning until night.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know what would become of my office patients.
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  Speaker 1: They might die a little sooner or live a little longer,
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  Speaker 1: that is all, said the idiot, if they weren't able
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  Speaker 1: to find the house at all. However, I think it
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  Speaker 1: would be better for us. For much as I admire you, doctor,
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  Speaker 1: I think your office hours are a nuisance to the
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  Speaker 1: rest of us. I had to elbow my way out
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  Speaker 1: of the house this morning between a double line of
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  Speaker 1: sufferers from mumps and influenza and other pleasingly afflicted patients
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  Speaker 1: of yours, and I didn't like it very much. I
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  Speaker 1: don't believe they liked it much either, returned the doctor.
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  Speaker 1: One man with a sprained ankle told me about you.
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  Speaker 1: You shoved him in passing. Well, you can apologize to
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  Speaker 1: him on my behalf, returned the idiot. But you might
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  Speaker 1: add that he must expect very much the same treatment
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  Speaker 1: whenever he and a boy with mumps stand between me
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  Speaker 1: and the door. Sprained ankles aren't contagious, and I preferred
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  Speaker 1: shoving him to the other alternative. The doctor was silent,
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  Speaker 1: and the idiot rose to go. Where will the house
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  Speaker 1: be this evening about six thirty, missus Pedagog, he asked,
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  Speaker 1: as he pushed his chair back from the table. Where
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  Speaker 1: Why here, of course, returned the landlady. Why, yes, of course,
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  Speaker 1: observed the idiot with an impatient gesture. How foolish of me,
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  Speaker 1: I've really been so wrapped up in my canal boat
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  Speaker 1: ideal that I came to believe that it might possibly
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  Speaker 1: be real and not a dream. After all, I almost
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  Speaker 1: believed that perhaps I should find that the house had
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  Speaker 1: been towed somewhere up into Westchester County on my return,
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  Speaker 1: so that we might all escape the city's tax on
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  Speaker 1: personal property, which I am told is unusually high this year,
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  Speaker 1: with which Sally the idiot kissed his hand to mister
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  Speaker 1: Pedagogue and retired from the scene. Chapter two. Let's write
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  Speaker 1: a book, suggested the idiot, as he took his place
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  Speaker 1: at the board and unfolded his napkin. What about, asked
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  Speaker 1: the doctor with a smile at the idea of the
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  Speaker 1: idiot's thinking of embarking on literary pursuits about four hundred
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  Speaker 1: pages long, said the idiot. I feel inspired. You are inspired,
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  Speaker 1: said the schoolmaster. In your way, you are a genius.
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  Speaker 1: I really never heard of such a variegated idiot as
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  Speaker 1: you are in all my experience, and that means a
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  Speaker 1: great deal, I can tell you, for in the course
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  Speaker 1: of my career as an instructor of youth, I have
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  Speaker 1: encountered many idiots. Were they idiots? Before or after? Having
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  Speaker 1: drunk at the fount of your learning? Asked the idiot placidly.
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  Speaker 1: Mister Pedagogue glared, and the idiot was apparently satisfied to
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  Speaker 1: make mister Pedagog glare appear to be one of the
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  Speaker 1: chiefest of his ambitions. You will kindly remember, mister idiot,
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  Speaker 1: said missus Pedagogue at this point, that mister Pedagog is
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  Speaker 1: my husband, and such insinuations at my table are distinctly
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  Speaker 1: out of place. I ask your pardon, Missus Pedagogue, rejoined
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  Speaker 1: the offender meekly. Nevertheless, as apart from the question in
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  Speaker 1: hand as to whether mister Pedagogue inspires idiocy or not,
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  Speaker 1: I should like to get the views of this gathering
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  Speaker 1: on the point you make regarding the table. Is this
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  Speaker 1: your table, Is it not rather the table of those
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  Speaker 1: who sit about it to regale their inner man with
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  Speaker 1: the good things under which I remember once or twice
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  Speaker 1: in my life to have heard it grown to my
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  Speaker 1: mind the latter is the truth. It is our table
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  Speaker 1: because we buy it, and I am forced to believe
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  Speaker 1: that some of us pay for it. I am prepared
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  Speaker 1: to admit that if mister Brief, for instance, is delinquent
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  Speaker 1: in his weekly payments, his interest in the table reverts
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  Speaker 1: to you until he shall have liquidated, and he is
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  Speaker 1: not privileged to say a word that you do not
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  Speaker 1: approve of. But I, for instance, who since January first,
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  Speaker 1: have been compelled to pay in advance and at least
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  Speaker 1: solely see and for the time being proprietor of the
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  Speaker 1: portion for which I have paid, you have sold it
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  Speaker 1: to me. I have entered into possession. And while in possession,
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  Speaker 1: as a matter of right and not on sufferance, haven't
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  Speaker 1: I the privilege of freedom of speech? You certainly exercise
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  Speaker 1: the privilege, whether you have it or not, snapped mister pedagog, Well,
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  Speaker 1: I believe in exercise, said the idiot. Exercise brings strength,
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  Speaker 1: and if exercising the privilege is going to strengthen it,
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  Speaker 1: exercise it. I shall if I have to hire a
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  Speaker 1: gymnasium for the purpose. But to return to missus Pedagog's remark,
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  Speaker 1: it brings up another question that has more or less
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  Speaker 1: interested me. Because Missus Smithers married mister Pedagog, do we
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  Speaker 1: lose all of our rights in mister Pedagogue? Before that
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  Speaker 1: happy event that reduced our number from ten to nine?
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  Speaker 1: We are still ten, are we, not, asked mister Whitechoker,
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  Speaker 1: counting the guests. Not if mister Pedagog and the late
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  Speaker 1: Missus Smithers have become one, said the idiot. But as
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  Speaker 1: I was saying, before the happy event that reduced our
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  Speaker 1: number from ten to nine, we were permitted to address
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  Speaker 1: our friend Pedagogue in any terms we saw fit, and
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  Speaker 1: whenever he became sufficiently interested to indulge in repartee, we
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  Speaker 1: were privileged to return it. Have we relinquished that privilege?
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  Speaker 1: I don't remember to have done so. It's a question
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  Speaker 1: worthy of your giant intellect, said mister Pedagog scornfully. For myself,
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  Speaker 1: I do not at all object to anything you may
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  Speaker 1: choose to say to me or of me. Your assaults
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  Speaker 1: are to me as Wooder is to a Duck's back.
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  Speaker 1: I am sorry, said the idiot. I hate family disagreements,
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  Speaker 1: and here we have missus Pedagog taking one side and
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  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog the other. But whatever decision may ultimately be
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: reached of one thing, Missus Pedagog must be assured. I,
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  Speaker 1: on principle, sighed against mister Pedagog, And if it be
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  Speaker 1: the wish of my good landlady that I shall refrain
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  Speaker 1: from playing intellectual battle door and shuttlecock with her husband,
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  Speaker 1: whom we all revere, I certainly shall refrain hereafter if
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  Speaker 1: I indulge in anything that, in any sense resembles repartee
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  Speaker 1: with our landlord. I wish it distinctly understood that an
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  Speaker 1: apology goes with it. That's all right, my boy, said
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  Speaker 1: the schoolmaster. You mean well, you are a little new,
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  Speaker 1: that's all, and we all understand you. I don't understand him,
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: growled the doctor, still smarting under the recollection of former
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  Speaker 1: breakfast table discomfitures. I wish we could get him translated.
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  Speaker 1: If you prescribe for me once or twice, I think
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  Speaker 1: it likely I should be translated in short order, retorted
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  Speaker 1: the idiot. I wonder how i'd go translated into French.
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  Speaker 1: You couldn't be expressed in French, put in the lawyer.
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  Speaker 1: It would take some barbarian tongue to do you justice.
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  Speaker 1: Very well, said the idiot, proceed do me justice. I
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  Speaker 1: can't begin to, said mister Brief angrily. That's what I thought,
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. That's the reason why you always do
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  Speaker 1: me such great injustice. You lawyers always have to be
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  Speaker 1: doing something, even if it is only holding down a
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  Speaker 1: chair so that it won't blow out of your office window.
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  Speaker 1: If you haven't any justice to met out, you take
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: another tack and dispense injustice with lavish hand. However, I'll
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  Speaker 1: forgive you if you'll tell me one thing. What's lible,
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  Speaker 1: mister Brief. None of your business, growled the lawyer. A
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  Speaker 1: very good general definition, said the idiot, approvingly. If there's
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  Speaker 1: any business in the world that I should hate to
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: have known as mine, it is that of libel. I think. However,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: your definition is not definite. What I wanted to know
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: was just how far I could go with remarks at
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  Speaker 1: this table and be safe from prosecution. Nobody would ever
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: prosecute you for two reasons, said the lawyer. In a
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: civil action for money damages, a verdict against you for
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: ten cents wouldn't be worth a rap, because the chances
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  Speaker 1: are you couldn't pay. In a criminal action, your conviction
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: would be a bad thing because you would be likely
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  Speaker 1: to prove a corrupting influence in any jail in creation. Besides,
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  Speaker 1: you'd be safe before a jury anyhow. You are just
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  Speaker 1: the sort of idiot that the intelligent jurors of to
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  Speaker 1: day admire, and they'd acquit you of any crime. A
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: man has a right to a trial at the hands
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: of a jury of his peers. I don't think even
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: in a jury box twelve idiots equal to yourself could
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: be found, So don't worry. Thanks, have a cigarette, said
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: the idiot, tossing one over to the lawyer. It's all
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: I have. If I had a half dollar, I should
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: pay you for your opinion, But since I haven't, I
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: offer you my all. The temperature of my coffee seems
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: to have fallen, missus Pedagog, Will you kindly let me
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: have another cup? Certainly, said missus Pedagog. Mary get the
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: idiot another cup. Mary did as she was told, placing
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: the empty bit of china at missus Pedagog's side. It
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: is for the idiot, Mary said, missus Pedagog coldly take
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: it to him empty, ma'am, asked the maid. Certainly, Mary,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, Perceiving missus Pedagog's point, I asked for
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: another cop not for more coffee. Missus Pedagog smiled quietly
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: at her own joke at hair splitting. She could give
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: the idiot points. I am surprised that Mary should have
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: thought I wanted more coffee, continued the idiot, in an
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: aggrieved tone. It shows that she too thinks me out
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: of my mind. You are not out of your mind mind,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: said the bibliomaniac. It would be a good thing if
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: you were in replenishing your mental supply. You might have
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: the luck to get better quality. I probably should have
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: the luck, said the idiot. I have had a great
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: store of it in my life from the very start.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: I have had luck. When I think that I was
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: born myself and not you, I feel as if I
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: had had more luck than my share of good fortune,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: more luck than the law allows. How much luck does
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: the law allow, mister Brief? Bosh said mister Brief with
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: a scornful wave of his hand, as if he were
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: ridding himself of a troublesome gnat don't bother me with
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: such mind withering questions. All right, said the idiot. I'll
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: ask you an easier one. Why does not the world
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: recognize matrimony? Mister Whitechoker started here? Indeed was a novel proposition.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: I I must confess, said he, that all of the
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: idiotic questions I have ever had the honor of hearing.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: Asked that takes the cake, suggested the idiot, palm, said
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: mister Whitechoker severely. Well, perhaps so, said the idiot. But
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: matrimony is the science, or the art, or whatever you
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: call it, of making two people one, is it not?
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: It certainly is, said mister Whitechoker. But what of it?
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: The world does not recognize the unity, said the idiot.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: Take our good proprietors, for instance, they were made one
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: by yourself. Mister Whitechoker, I had the pleasure of being
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: an usher at the ceremony, yielding the position of best
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: man gracefully is my want to the bibliomaniac. He was
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: the best man, but not the better man by a
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: simple process of reasoning. Now, no one at this board
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: dispute that mister and missus pedagog are one. But how
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: about the world, mister Pedagogue takes Missus Pedagogue to a concert.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: Are they one there? Why not, asked mister Brief. That's
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: what I want to know. Why not? The world, as
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: represented by the ticket taker at the door, says they
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: are not, or implies that they are not by demanding
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: tickets for two. They attempt to travel out to Niagara Falls.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: The railroad people charge them two fares. The hack man
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: charges them two fares. The hotel bills are made out
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: for two people. It is the same wherever they go
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: in the world. And I regret to say that even
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: in our own home there is a disposition to regard
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: them as two. When I spoke of there being nine
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: persons here instead of ten, mister Whitechoker himself disputed my point.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: And yet it was not so much his fault as
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: the fault of mister and Missus Pedagogue themselves. Missus Pedagogue
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: seems to cast doubt upon the unity by providing two,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: two separate chairs for the two halves that make up
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: the charming entirety. Two cups are provided for their coffee,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: two forks, two knives, two spoons, two portions of all
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: the delicacies of the season which are lavished upon us
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: out of season, generally after it fall to their lot.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: They do not object to being called a happy couple
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: when they should be known as a happy single. Now,
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: what I want to know is why the world does
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: not accept these shrinkage which has been pronounced valid by
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: the church and is recognized by the individual. Can anyone
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: here tell me that no one could? Apparently, at least
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: no one endeavored to. The idiot looked inquiringly at all,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: and then, receiving no reply to his question, he rose
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: from the table. I think, he said, as he started
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: to leave the room. I think we ought to write
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: that book. If we made it up of the things
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: you people don't know, it would be one of the
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: greatest books of the cent At any rate, it would
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: be great enough in bulk to fill the biggest library
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: in America. Chapter three. I wish I were beginning life
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: all over again, said the idiot one spring morning, as
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: he took his accustomed place at missus Pedagogue's table. I
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: wish you were, said mister Pedagog from behind his newspaper.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Then your parents would have you shut up in a nursery,
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: and it is even conceivable that you would be receiving
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: those disciplinary attentions with a slipper that you seem to
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: me so frequently to deserve. Were you at this present
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: moment in the nursery stage of your development, my ejaculated
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: the idiot. What a wonder you are, mister pedagogue. It
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: is a good thing you are not a justice in
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: a criminal court. And what may I venture to ask,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: said mister pedagogue, glancing at the idiot over his spectacles,
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: What has given rise to that extraordinary remark, the connection
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: of which with anything that has been said or done
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: this morning is distinctly not apparent. I only mean that
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: a man who was so given over to long sentences
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: as you are, would probably make too severe a judge
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: in a criminal court, replied the idiot meekly. Do you
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: make use of the same phraseology in the classroom that
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: you dazzle us with? I should like to know, and
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: why not pray, said mister pedagogue. No special reason, said
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: the idiot. Only it does seem to me that an
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: instructor of youth ought to be more careful in his
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: choice of adverbs than you appear to be. Of course,
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: doctor Bolis here is under no obligation to speak more
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: grammatically or correctly than he does. People call him in
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: to prescribe, not to indulge in rhetorical periods, and he
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: can write his prescriptions in a sort of intuitive Latin.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: And nobody be the wiser, but you, who are said
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: to be so. The seeds of knowledge in the brain
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: of youth should be more careful. Here the grammarian talk returned,
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: mister pedagog, listen to this embryonic Samuel Johnson. The second,
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: what have I said that so offends the linguistic taste
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: of Lindley Marry June, Nothing, returned the idiot. I cannot
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: say that you have said anything. I never heard you
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: say anything in my life. But while you can no
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: doubt find good authority for making use of the words
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: distinctly not apparent, you ought not to throw such phrases
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: around carelessly. The thing which is distinct is apparent. Therefore
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: to say distinctly not apparent to a mind that is
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: not given to analysis sounds strange. You might as well
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: say of a beautiful girl that she is plainly pretty,
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: meaning of course that she is evidently pretty. But those
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: who are unacquainted with the idiomatic peculiarities of your speech
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: might ask you if you meant that she was pretty
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: in a plain sort of way. Suppose, too, you were
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: writing a novel, and, in a desire to give you
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: a reader a fair idea of the personal appearance of
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: a homely but good creature, you should say it cannot
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: be denied that Rosamond Follansby was pretty plain. It wouldn't
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: take a very grave error of the types to change
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: your entire meaning. To save a line on a page,
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: for instance, it might become necessary to eliminate a single word,
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: and if that word should chance to be the word
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: plain in the sentence I have given you were homely
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: but good person would be set down as being undeniably pretty,
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: which shows it seems to me that too great care
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: cannot be exercised in the making of selections from our vocabulary.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: You are the worst I ever knew, snapped mister Pedagogue,
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: which only proves, observed the idiot, that you have not
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: heeded the scriptural injunction that you should know thyself. Are
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: those buckwheat cakes or Dolly's. Whether the question was heard
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: or not is not known. It certainly was not answered,
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: and silence reigned for a few minutes. Finally, missus Pedagogue
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: spoke and in the manner of one who was somewhat embarrassed.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: I am in an embarrassing position, she said, Good, said
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: the idiot, soto voce to the genial gentleman, who occasionally imbibed,
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: there is hope for the landlady. Yet, if she can
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: be embarrassed, she is still human, a condition I was
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: beginning to think she wotted, Not of she wotted what,
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: queried the genial gentleman, not quite catching the idiot's words.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: Never mind, returned the idiot. Let's hear how she ever
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: came to be embarrassed. I have had an application for
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: my first floor suite, and I don't know whether I
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: ought to accept it or not, said the landlady. She has.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: It's a conscience, too, whispered the idiot, And then he
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: added aloud. And wherein lies the difficulty, missus pedagogue. The
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: applicant is an actor, Junius Brutus Davenport. Is his name
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: a tragedian or a comedian? Asked the bibliomaniac or first
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: walking gentleman, who knows every railroad tie in the country?
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: Put in the idiot that I do not know, returned
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: the landlady. His name sounds familiar enough, though I thought,
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: perhaps some of you gentlemen might know of him. I
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: have heard of Junius Brutus, observed the doctor, chuckling slightly
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: at his own humor, and I've heard of Davenport. But
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Junius Brutus Davenport is a combination which I am not familiar. Well,
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: I can't see why it should make any difference whether
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: the man is a tragedian or a comedian, or a
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: familiar figure to railroad men, said mister Whitechoker, firmly. In
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: any event, he would be extremely object It makes a
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: great deal of difference, said the idiot. I've met tragedians,
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: and I've met comedians, and I've met New York Central stars,
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: and I can assure you they each represent a distinct type.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: The tragedians, as a rule, are quite meek individuals with soft,
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: low voices. In private life, they are more timid than otherwise,
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: though essentially amiable. I knew at tragedian once, who, after
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: killing seventeen Indians, a road agent, and a gross of
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: cowboys between eight and ten p m. Every night for
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: sixteen weeks, working six nights a week, was afraid of
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: a mild, little soft shell crab that laid defenseless on
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: a plate before him on the evening of the seventh
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: night of the last week. Tragedians make agreeable companions, I
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: can tell you, And if J. Brutus Davenboard is a tragedian,
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: I think Missus Pedagogue would do well to let him
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: have the suite, provided, of course, that he pays for
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: it in advance. I was about to observe when our
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: friend interrupted me, said mister Whitechoker, with dignity, that in
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: any event, an actor at this board would be to
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: me an extremely object. Now the comedians resumed the idiot,
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: ignoring mister Whitechoker's remark. The comedians are very different. They
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: are twice as bloodthirsty as the murderers of the drama,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: and worse than that, they are given to rehearsing at
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: all hours of the day and night. A tragedian is
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: a hard character only on the stage, but the comedian
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: is the comedian always. If we had one of those
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: fellows in our midst, it would not be very long
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: before we became part of the drama ourselves. Missus Pettigog
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: would find herself embarrassed once an hour instead of as
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: at present once a century. Mister Whitechoker would hear of
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: himself as having appeared by proxy and a roaring farce
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: before our comedian had been with us two months. The
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: wise sayings of our friend the Schoolmaster would be spoken
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: nightly from the stage to the immense delight of the
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: gallery gods, and to the edification of the orchestra circle,
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: who would wonder how so much information could have got
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: into the world and they not know it before. The
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: out of town papers would literally teem with witty extracts
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: from our comedian's plays, which we should immediately recognize as
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: the dicta of my poor self, all of which put
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: in mister Whitechoker, but proves the truth of my assertion
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: that such a person would be an extremely object Then,
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: as I said before, continued the idiot, he is continually rehearsing,
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: and his objectionableness as a fellow border would be greater
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: or less according to his play, if he were impersonating
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: a shiftless wanderer who shows remarkable bravery at a hotel fire.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: We should have to be prepared at any time to
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: hear the fire engines rushing up to the front door,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: and to see our comedians scaling the fire escape with
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: missus Pedagogue and her account books in his arms, simply
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: in the line of rehearsal. If he were impersonating a
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: detective after a criminal masquerading as a good citizen, the
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: schoolmaster would be startled some night by a hoarse voice
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: at his keyhole exclaiming, Ah, I have him now. There
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: is no escape saved by the back window, and that's
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: so covered or with dust toward suffocation. Sure to try it.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: I hesitate to say what would happen if he were
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: a tank comedian? Perhaps, said mister Whitechoker, with a trifle
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: more impatience than was compatible with his calling. Perhaps you
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: will hesitate long enough for me to state what I
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: have been trying to state ever since this soliloquiity of
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: yours began, that, in any event, whether this person be
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: a tragedian or a comedian, or a walking gentleman or
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: a riding gentleman in a circus, I object to his
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: being admitted to this circle. And I deem it well
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: to say right here that as he comes in at
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: the front door, I go out at the back as
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: a clergyman. I do not approve of this stage that
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: ought to settle it, said the idiot, mister Whitechoker, is
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: too good a friend to us all here for us
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: to compel him to go out that back door into
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: the rather limited market garden Missus Pedagogue keeps in the yard.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: My indirect plea for the admission of mister Junius Brutus
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: Davenport was based entirely upon my desire to see this
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: circle completed, or nearer completion than it is at present.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: We have all the professions represented here but the stage,
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: and why exclude it? Granting that no one objects, the
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: men whose lives are given over to the amusement of mankind,
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: and who are willing to place themselves in the most
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: outrageous situations night after night, in order that we may,
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: for the time being seem to be lifted out of
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: the unpleasant situations into which we have got ourselves, are,
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: in my opinion, doing a noble work. The theater enables
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: us to woo forgetfulness of self successfully for a few
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: brief hours, and I have seen the time when an
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: hour or two of relief from actual cares has resulted
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: in great good. Nevertheless, the gentleman is not elected, and
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: if Missus Pedagogue will kindly refill my cup, I will
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: ask you to join me in draining a toast to
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: the health of the pastor of this flock, whose conscience,
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: paradoxical as it may seem, is the most frequently worn
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: and yet the least threadbare of the consciences represented at
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: this table. This easy settlement of her difficulty was so
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: pleasing to Missus Pedagog that the idiot's request was graciously
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: acceded to, and mister Whitechoker's health was drank in coffee,
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: after which the idiot requested the genial gentleman, who occasionally imbibed,
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: to join him privately in eating buckwheat cakes to the
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: health of mister Davenport. I haven't any doubt that he
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: is worthy of the attention, he said, And if you
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: will lend me the money to buy the tickets, I'll
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: take you around to the Criterion tonight where he is playing.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know whether he plays Hamlet or a pole
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: in the room, but at any rate, we can have
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: a good time between the acts. Chapter four. I see
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: the men are at work on the pavements this morning,
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: said the schoolmaster, gazing out through the window at a
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: number of laborers at work in the street. Yes, said
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: the idiot calmly, and I think missus Pedagog ought to
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: sue the Department of Public Works for libel if she
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: hasn't a case, no maligned person ever had. What are
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: you saying, sir, queried the landlady innocently, I say, returned
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: the idiot, pointing out into the street, that you ought
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: to sue the Department of Public Works for libel. They've
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: got their sign right up against your house. No thoroughfare
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: is what it says. That's libel, isn't it, mister Brief.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: It's certainly a fatal criticism of a boarding house, observed
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: mister Brief with a twinkle in his eye. But Missus
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: Pedagog could hardly secure damage. Is on that score, I
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: don't know about that, returned the idiot. As I understand it.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: It is an old maxim of the law that the
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: greater the truth, the greater the libel. Missus Pedagog ought
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: to receive a million. By the way, what have we
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: this morning? We have steak and fried potatoes, sir replied
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: missus Pedagog frigidly. And I desire to add that one
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: who criticizes the table as much as you do would
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: do well to get his meals outside. That Missus Pedagog
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: is not the point. The difficulty I find here lies
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: in getting my meals inside, said the idiot. Mary, you
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: may bring in the mush, observed missus Pedagog, pursing her
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: lips as she always did when she wished to show
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: that she was offended. Yes, Mary, put in the schoolmaster.
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: Let us have the mush as quickly as possible, and
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: may it not be quite such mushy mush as the
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: remarks we have just been favored with by our talented friend,
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: the idiot. You overwhelm me with your compliments, mister Pedagog,
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: replied the idiot, cheerfully. A flatterer like you should live
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: in a flat. As your friend completed his article on
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: old jokes, yet, queried the bibliomaniac, with a smile and
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: some apparent irrelevance. Yes and no, said the idiot. He
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: has completed his labors on it by giving it up.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: He is a very thorough sort of fellow, and he
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: intended to make the article comprehensive, but he found he
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: couldn't because judging from comments of men like you, for instance,
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: he was forced to conclude that there never was a
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: new joke. But, as I was saying the other morning,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: do you really remember what you say, sneered mister pedagog.
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: You must have a great memory for trifles. Sir, I
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: shall never forget you, said the idiot. But to revert
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: to what I was saying the other morning, I'd like
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: to begin life all over again so that i could
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: prepare myself for the profession of architecture. It's the greatest
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: profession in the world, and one which is sure is
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: to bring immortality to a successful follower. A man may
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: write a splendid book and become a great man for
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: a while and within certain limits. But the chances are
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: that some other man will come along later and supplant him.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: Then the bossales will die out after a time, and
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: with this will come a diminution of the author's reputation.
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: In extent. Anyway, an actor or a great preacher becomes
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: only a name after his death. But the architect who
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: builds a cathedral or a fine public building really erects
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: a monument to his own memory. He does if he
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: can build it so that it will stay up. Said
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: the bibliomaniac. I think, you, however, are better off as
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: you are. If you had a more extended reputation or
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: a lasting name, you would probably be locked up in
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: some retreat, or if you were not, posterity would want
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: to know why I am locked up in a retreat
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: of nature's making, said the idiot, with a sigh. Nature
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: has set around me certain limitations, which, while they are
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: not material, might as well be so for as far
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: as my ability to soar above them is concerned. And
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: it's well she has. If it were otherwise, my life
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: would not be safe or bearable in this company as
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: it is. I am happy and not at all afraid
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: of the effects your jealousy of me might entail if
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: I were any better than the rest of you. I
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: like that, said mister pedagog. I thought you would, said
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: the idiot. That's why I said it. I aim to please,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: and for once seem to have hit the bull's eye. Mary,
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: kindly break open this biscuit for me. Have you ideas
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: on the subject of architecture that you so desire to
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: become an architect, queried mister Whitechoker, who was always full
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: of sympathy for aspiring natures. A few, said the idiot.
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: Mister Pedagog aft outright. Let's test his ideas, he said,
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: in an amused way. Take a cathedral, for instance, suppose,
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: mister idiot, a man should come to you and say, idiot,
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: we have a fund of eight hundred thousand dollars in
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: our hands, actual cash. We think of building a cathedral,
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: and we think of employing you to draw up our plans.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: Give us some idea of what we should do. Do
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: you mean to tell me that you could say anything
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: reasonable or intelligent to that man? Well, that depends upon
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: what you call reasonable and intelligent. I have never been
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: able to find out what you mean by those terms,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: the idiot answered slowly. But I could tell him something
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: that I consider reasonable and intelligent from your own point
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: of view. Then, as to the reasonableness and intelligence, what
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: should you say to him? I'd make him out a
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: plan providing for the investment of his eight hundred thousand
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: and five percent gold bonds, which would bring him an
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: income of forty thousand a year, which I should call
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: his attention to the fact that forty thousand a year
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: would enable him to take ten thousand poor children out
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: of this sweltering city into the country to romp and
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: drink fresh milk and eat wholesome food for two weeks
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: every summer from now until the end of time, which
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: would build up a human structure that might be of
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: more benefit to the world than any pile of bricks,
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: marble and brought iron, I or any other architect could
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: conceive of, said the idiot. The structure would stand up too.
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: You call that architecture, do you, said mister pedagogue, Yes,
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: said the idiot of the Renaissance order. But that, of
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: course you term idiocy, and maybe it is. I'd like
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: to be that kind of an idiot. I do not
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: claim to be able to build a cathedral. However, I
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: don't suppose I could even build a boarding house like this.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: But what I should like to do in architecture would
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: be to put up a five thousand dollars dwelling house
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: for five thousand dollars. That's a thing that has never
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: been done, and I think I might be able to
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: do it. If I did, i'd patent the plan and
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: make a fortune. Then I should like to know enough
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: about the science of planning a building to find out
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: whether my model hotel is practicable or not. You have
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: a model hotel in your mind, eh, said the bibliomaniac.
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: It must be a very small hotel if it's in
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: his mind, said the doctor, that's tantamount to saying that
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: it isn't anywhere, said mister pedagogue. Well it's a great
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: hotel just the same, said the idiot. Although I presume
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: it would be expensive to build, it would have movable rooms.
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: In the first place, each room would be constructed like
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: an elevator, with appliances at hand for moving it up
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: and down. The great thing about this would be that
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: persons could have a room on any floor they wanted it,
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: so long as they got the room in the beginning.
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: A second advantage would lie in the fact that if
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: you were sleeping in a room next door to another
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: in which there was a crying baby, you could pull
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: the rope and go up two or three flights until
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: you were free from the noise. Then, in case of fire,
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: the room in which the fire started could be lowered
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: into a sliding tank large enough to immerse the whole
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: thing in which I should have constructed in the cellar.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: If the whole building were to catch fire, there would
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: be no loss of life, because all the rooms could
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: be lowered to the ground floor and the occupants could
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: step right out upon solid ground. Then again, if you
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: were down on the ground floor and desired to get
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: an extended view of the surrounding country. It would be
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: easy to raise your room to the desired elevation. Why
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: there's no end to the advantages to be gained from
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: such an arrangement. It's a fine idea, said mister pedagogue,
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: and one worthy of your mammoth intellect. It couldn't possibly
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: cost more than a million of dollars to erect such
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: a hotel, could it, No, said the idiot, And that
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: is cheap alongside some of the hotels they are putting
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: up nowadays. It could be built on less than four
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: hundred acres of ground, too, I presume, said the bibliomaniac,
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: with a wink at the doctor. Certainly, said the idiot meekly.
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: And if anybody fell sick in one of the rooms,
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: said the doctor, and needed a change of air, you
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: could have a tower over each I suppose, so that
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: the room could be elevated high enough to secure the
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: different quality in the ether, undoubtedly, said the idiot, although
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: that would add materially to the expense. A scarlet fever patient, however,
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: in a hotel like that, could very easily be isolated
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: from the rest of the house by the maintenance of
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: what might be called the hospital floor superb, said the doctor.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: I wonder you haven't spoken to some architectural friend about it.
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: I have, said the idiot. You must remember that young
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: fellow with a black mustache I had here to dinner
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: last Saturday night. Yes, I remember him, said the doctor.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: Is he an architect? He is, and a good one.
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: He can take a brownstone dwelling and turn it into
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: a colonial mansion with a pot of yellow paint. He's
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: a wonder I submitted the idea to him, and what
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: was his verdict? I don't like to say, said the idiot,
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: blushing a little ha, laughed mister pedagogue. I shouldn't think
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: you would like to say. I guess we know what
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: he said. I doubt it, said the idiot, But if
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: you guess right, I'll tell you. He said you had
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: better go and live in a lunatic asylum, said mister pedagog,
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: with a chuckle. Not he returned the idiot, nibbling at
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: his biscuit. On the contrary, he advised me to stop
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: living in one. He said, contact with the rest of
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: you was affecting my brain. This time, mister Pedagogue did
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: not laugh, but mistaking his coffee cup for a piece
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: of toast, bit a small section out of its rim,
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: and in the midst of missus Pedagog's expostulation, which followed
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: the school master's careless error, the idiot and the genial
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: old gentleman departed with smiles on their faces, which were
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: almost visible at the back of their respective necks. And
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: of Part one of The Idiot by John Kendrick Bangs.
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: Part two of The Idiot by John Kendrick Bangs. This
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording is in the public domain reading by Greg Marguerite.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: Part two of The Idiot by John Kendrick Bangs, Chapter five. Hello,
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, as he began his breakfast. This isn't
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: Friday morning, is it? I thought it was Tuesday, So
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: it is Tuesday, put in the schoolmaster. Then this fish
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: is a little extra treat, isn't it, observed the idiot,
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: turning with a smile to the landlady. Fish that isn't fish, Sir,
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: returned the good lady. That is liver? Oh is it?
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: Said the idiot apologetically. Excuse me, my dear missus Pedagog.
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: I thought from its resistance that it was Fried's soul.
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: Have you a hatchet? Handy, he added, turning to the maid.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: My piece is tender enough. I can't see what you want,
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: said the schoolmaster coldly. I'd like your peace, replied the idiot, suavely.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: That is, if it really is tender enough. Don't pay
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: any attention to him, dear, said the schoolmaster to the landlady,
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: who ire was so very much aroused that she was
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: about to make known her sentiments on certain subjects. No,
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: Missus Pedagog, said the idiot, don't pay any attention to me.
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: I beg of you. Anything that could add to the
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: jealousy of mister Pedagog would redound to the discomfort of
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: all of us. Besides, I really do not object to
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: the liver. I need not eat it. And as for
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: staying my appetite, I always stop on my way downtown
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: after breakfast for a bite or two. Anyhow, there was
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: silence for a moment. I wonder why it is, began
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: the idiot, after tasting his coffee. I wonder why it
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: is Friday is fish day all over the world. Anyhow
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: do you happen to be learned enough in piscatorial science
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: to enlighten me on that point? Doctor No returned the
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: physician gruffly. I've never looked into the matter. I guess
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: it's because Friday is an unlucky day, said the idiot.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: Think of all the unlucky things that may happen before
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: and after eating fish, as well as during the process
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: in the first place. Before eating, you go off and
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: fish all day and have no luck, don't catch a thing.
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: You fall in the water, perhaps and lose your watch,
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: or your fish hook catches in your coat tails, with
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: the result that you come near casting yourself instead of
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: the fly into the brook or the pond, as the
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: case may be. Perhaps the hook doesn't stop with the
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: coat tails, but goes on in and catches you. That's
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: awfully unlucky, especially when the hook is made of unusually
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: barbee barbed wire. Then again, you may go fishing on
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: somebody else's preserves and get arrested and sent to jail
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: over night and hauled up the next morning, and have
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: to pay ten dollars fine for poaching. Think of mister
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: Pedagogue being fined ten dollars for poaching awfully unfortunate. Kindly
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: leave me out of your calculations, returned mister Pedagog, with
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: a flush of indignation. Certainly, if you wish it, said
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: the idiot. We'll hand mister Brief over to the police
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: and let him be fined for poaching on somebody else's preserves,
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: although that's sort of impossible too, because missus pedagog never
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: lets us see preserves of any kind. We had brandied
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: peaches last Sunday night, said the landlady indignantly. Oh yes,
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: so we did, returned the idiot. That must have been
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: what the bibliomaniac had taken, he added, turning to the
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed. You know, we thought he'd
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: been he'd been absorbing to what do you refer asked
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: the bibliomaniac curtly to the brandied peaches, returned the idiot.
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: Do not press me further, please, because we like you,
• 52:55
  Speaker 1: old fellow, and I don't believe anybody noticed it, but
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: ourselves noticed. What. I want to know what you noticed
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: and when you noticed it, said the bibliomaniac savagely. I
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: don't want any nonsense either, I just want a plain
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: statement of facts. What did you notice? Well, if you
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: must have it, said the idiot slowly. My friend who
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: imbibes and I were rather pained on Sunday night to
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: observe that you that you had evidently taken something rather
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: stronger than cold wooter tea or missus Pedagogue's opinions. It's
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: a libel, sir, A gross libel, retorted the bibliomaniac. How
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: did I show it? That's what I want to know.
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: How did I show it? Speak up quick and loud too,
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: How did I show it? Well? You went upstairs after tea, Yes, sir,
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: I did, and my friend who Imbibes, and I were
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: left down in the front hall, and while we were
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: talking there, you put your head over the banisters and asked,
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: who's that down there? Remember that, Yes, sir, I do.
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: And you replied mister Auburnose and myself yes. And then
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: you asked who are the other two? Well, I did
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: what of it? Mister Auburnose and I were there alone.
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: That's what of it? Now, I put a charitable construction
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: on the matter and say it was the peaches when
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: you fly off the handle like one of missus Pedagog's
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: coffee cups, Sir, roared the Bibliomaniac, jumping from his chair.
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: You are the greatest idiot I know, sir, returned the idiot,
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: you flatter me, But the bibliomaniac was not there to hear.
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: He had rushed from the room, and during the deep
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: silence that ensued, he could be heard throwing things about
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: in the chamber overhead, and in a very few moments,
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: the banging of the front door and scary down the
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: brownstone steps showed that he had gone out of doors
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: to cool off. It's too bad, said the idiot after
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: a while, that he has such a quick temper it
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: doesn't do a bit of good to get mad that way.
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: He'll be uncomfortable all day long, and over what, just
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: because I attempted to say a good word for him
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: and announce the restoration of my confidence in his temperance qualities,
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: He cuts up a high jinks that makes everybody uncomfortable.
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: But to resume about this fish business, continued the idiot. Fish,
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: though fish be hanged, said the doctor impatiently. We've had
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: enough of fish very well, returned the idiot, as you wish.
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: Hanging isn't the best treatment for fish, but we'll let
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: that go. I never cared for the finny tribe myself,
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: and if missus paedagog can be induced to do it,
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: I for one, am in favor of keeping shad, shark
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: and shrimps out of that house altogether. Chapter six. The
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: idiot was unusually thoughtful, a fact which made the schoolmaster
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: and the bibliomaniac unusually nervous. Their stock criticism of him
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: was that he was thoughtless, and yet when he so
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: far forgot his natural propensities as to meditate, they did
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: not like it. It made them uneasy. They had a
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: haunting fear that he was conspiring with himself against them.
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: And no man, not even a callous schoolmaster or a
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: confirmed bibliomaniac, enjoys feeling that he is the object of
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: a conspiracy. The thing to do, then, upon this occasion, seemed, obviously,
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: to interrupt his train of thought, to put obstructions upon
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: his mental track, as it were, and ditch the express
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: which they feared was getting up steam at that moment,
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: to run them down. You don't seem quite yourself this morning, sir,
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: said the bibliomaniac. Don't, I queried the idiot, And whom
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: do I seem to be? I mean that you seem
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: to have something on your mind that worries you, said
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: the bibliomaniac. No I haven't anything on my mind, returned
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: the idiot. I was thinking about you and mister Pedagog,
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: which implies a thought not likely to use up much
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: of my gray matter. Do you think your head holds
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: any gray matter? Put in the doctor rather verdant, I
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: should say, said mister Pedagog, Green, gray or pink, said
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: the idiot. Choose your color. It does not affect the
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: fact that I was thinking about the bibliomaniac and mister Pedagog.
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: I have a great scheme in hand, which only requires
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: capital and the assistance of those two gentlemen to launch
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: it on the sea of prosperity. If any of you
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: gentlemen want to get rich and die in comfort as
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: the owner of your homes, now is your chance. In
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: what particular line of business is your scheme? Asked mister Whitechoker.
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: He had often felt that he would like to die
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: in comfort and to own a little house, even if
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: it had a large mortgage on it. Journalism, said the idiot.
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: There is a pile of money to be made out
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: of journalism, particularly if you happen to strike a new idea.
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: Ideas count How far up do your ideas count up
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: to five? Questioned mister pedagog, with a tinge of sarcasm
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: in his tone. I don't know about that, returned the idiot.
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: The idea I have hold of now, however, will count
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: up into the millions, if it can only be set going.
• 58:45
  Speaker 1: And before each one of those millions will stand a
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: big capital s with two black lines drawn vertically through it.
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: In other words, my idea holds dollars. But to get
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: the crop, you've got to sow the seed. Plant a
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: thousand dollars my idea, and next year you'll reap two thousand.
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: Plant that, and next year you'll have four thousand, and
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: sell on at that rate. Millions come easy. I'll give
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: you a dollar for your idea, said the bibliomaniac. No,
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: I don't want to sell. You'll do to help develop
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: the scheme. You'll make a first rate tool, but you
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: aren't the workman to manage the tool. I will go
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: as far as to say, however, that without you and
• 59:29
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagogue or your equivalents in the animal kingdom, the
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: idea isn't worth the fabulous sum you offer. You have
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: quite aroused my interest, said mister whitechoker. Do you propose
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: to start a new paper. You are a good guesser,
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: replied the idiot. That is part of the scheme, but
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: it isn't the idea. I propose to start a new
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: paper in accordance with the plan which the idea contains.
• 59:58
  Speaker 1: Is it to be a magazine or a comic paper
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: or what, asked the bibliomaniac. Neither, It's a daily that's nonsense,
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: said mister pedagogue, putting his spoon into the condensed milk
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: can by mistake. There isn't a single scheme in daily
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: journalism that hasn't been tried, except printing an evening paper
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: in the morning. That's been tried, said the idiot. I
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: know of an evening paper, the second edition of which
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: is published at midday. That's an old dodge, and there's
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: money in it too, money that will never be got
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 1: out of it. But I really have a grand scheme.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: So many of our dailies, you know, go in for
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: every horrid detail of daily events that people are beginning
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: to tire of them. They contain practically the same things
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: day after day. So many columns of murder, so many
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: beautiful suicides, so much sport, a modicum of general intelligence,
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: plenty of fires, no end of embezzlements, financial news, advertisements
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: and lines. Events like history, repeat themselves until people have
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 1: grown weary of them they want something new. For instance,
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: if you read in your morning paper that a man
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: has shot another man, you know that the man who
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 1: was shot was an inoffensive person who never injured a soul,
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: stood high in the community in which he lived, and
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: leaves a widow with four children. On the other hand,
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 1: you know without reading the account, that the murderer shot
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: his victim in self defense and was apprehended by the
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: detectives late last night, and that his counsel forbade him
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: to talk to the reporters, and that it is rumored
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: that he comes of a good family living in New England.
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: If a breach of trust is committed, you know that
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: the defaulter was the last man of whom such an
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: act would be suspected, and except in the one detail
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: of its location and sect that he was a prominent
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 1: in some church. You can calculate to assent how much
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 1: has been stolen by a glance at the amount of
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 1: space devoted to the account of the crime. Loaf of
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 1: bread two lines thousand dollars, ten lines, one hundred thousand dollars,
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: half a column, million dollars, a full column, five million dollars,
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: half of the front page, wood cut of the imbezzler,
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: and two editorials, one leader and one paragraph. And so
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: with everything we are creatures of habit. The expected always happens,
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: and newspapers are dull because the events they chronicle are dull.
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 1: Branding the truth of this, put in the schoolmaster, what
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: do you propose to do? Get up a newspaper that
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: will devote its space to telling what hasn't happened. That's
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: been done, said the bibliomaniac, to a much more limited
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: extent than we think, returned the idiot. It has never
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: been done consistently and truthfully. I fail to see how
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: a newspaper can be made to prevaricate truthfully, asserted mister White,
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: show to tell the truth. He was greatly disappointed with
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: the idea because he could not, in the nature of things,
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: become one of its beneficiaries. I haven't suggested prevarication, said
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: the idiot. Put on your front page, for instance, an
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: item like this. George Bronson, Colored, aged twenty nine, a
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: resident of Thompson Street, was caught cheating at poker last night.
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 1: He was not murdered. There you tell what has not happened.
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 1: There is a variety about it. It has the charm
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: of the unexpected. Then you might say, curious incident on
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: Wall Street yesterday. So and so who was caught on
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: the bare side of the market with ten thousand shares
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 1: of J B and s k W paid off all
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: his obligations in full and retired from business with one
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 1: million dollars clear. Or we might say a superintendent Smithers
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 1: of the Saint Goliath Sunday School, who is also cashier
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: in the forty eighth National Bank, has not absconded with
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 1: four million dollars. Oh that's a rich idea, put in
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: the schoolmaster. You'd earn a million dollars in libel suits
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 1: the first year. No, you wouldn't, either, said the idiot.
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: You don't libel a man when you say he hasn't
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: murdered anybody. Quite the contrary, you call attention to his
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: conspicuous virtue. You are, in reality commending those who refrain
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: from criminal practice, instead of delighting those who are fond
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 1: of departing from the paths of Christianity by giving them notoriety.
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: But I fail to see in what respect, mister Pedagog,
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 1: and I are essential to your scheme, said the bibliomaniac.
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: I must confess to some curiosity on my own part
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 1: on that point, added the schoolmaster. Why it's perfectly clear,
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: returned the idiot with a conciliating smile, as he prepared
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 1: to depart. You both know so much that isn't so
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 1: that I rather rely on you to fill up Chapter seven,
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: a new boarder had joined the circle about Missus Pedagogue's
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 1: breakfast table. He had what the idiot called a three
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: ply name, which was Richard Henderson Warren, and he was,
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: by profession a poet. Whether it was this that made
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 1: it necessary for him to board or not. The rewards
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: of the muse being rather slender was known only to himself,
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: and he showed no disposition to enlighten his fellow borders
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: on the subject his success as a poet, Missus Pedagogue
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: found it hard to gage, for while the postman left
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: almost daily numerous letters, the envelopes of which showed that
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 1: they came from the various periodicals of the day, it
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: was never exactly clear whether or not the missives contained
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: remittances or rejected manuscripts, though the fact that mister Warren
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: was the only boarder in the house who had request
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: to have a waste basket added to the furniture of
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 1: his room seemed to indicate that they contained the latter.
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 1: To this request, missus Pedagogue had gladly acceded, because she
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 1: had a notion that therein, at some time or another,
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 1: would be found a clue to the new Border's past history,
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: or possibly some evidence of such duplicity as the good
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 1: Ladies suspected he might be guilty of. She had read
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: that Byron was a profligate, and that Poe was addicted
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: to drink, and she was impressed with the idea that
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 1: poets generally were bad men, and she regarded the wastebasket
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: as a possible means of protecting herself against any such
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 1: idiosyncrasies of her new found genius as would operate to
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: her disadvantage if not looked after. In time this waste
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: basket she made it her daily duty, too empty, and
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: in the privacy of her own room, half finished ballads,
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 1: songs and snatches she perused before consigning them to the flames,
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: or to the large jute bag in the cellar, for
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 1: which the ragman called two or three times a year.
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 1: Once missus Pedagogue's heart almost stopped beating when she found
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: at the bottom of the basket a printed slip beginning
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 1: the editor regrets that the enclosed lines are unavailable, and
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: closing with about thirteen reasons, any of one or all
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 1: of which might have been the main cause of the
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 1: poet's disappointment had it not been for the kindly clause
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: in the printed slip that insinuated in graceful terms that
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: this rejection did not imply a lack of literary merit
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: in the contribution itself. The good lady, knowing well that
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: there was even less money to be made from rejected
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: than from accepted poetry, would have been inclined to request
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: the poet to vacate the premises the very next day. However,
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 1: she was glad she had not requested the resignation of
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: the poet from the laureate ship of her house. For
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: the same basket gave forth another printed slip from another editor,
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 1: begging the poet to accept the enclosed check with thanks
• 1:08:04
  Speaker 1: for his contribution, and asking him to deposit it as
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: soon as practicable, which was pleasing enough since it implied
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 1: that the poet was the possessor of a bank account.
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: Now missus Pedagogue was consumed with curiosity to know for
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: how large a sum the check called. Which desire was
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: gratified a few days later, when the inspired border paid
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: his week's bill with three one dollar bills and a
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: check signed by a well known publisher for two dollars
• 1:08:33
  Speaker 1: by the boarders themselves. The poet was regarded with much interest.
• 1:08:38
  Speaker 1: The schoolmaster had read one or two of his effusions
• 1:08:41
  Speaker 1: in the fireside corner of the journal he received weekly
• 1:08:44
  Speaker 1: from his home up in New England, effusions which showed
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: no little merit, as well as indicating that mister Warren
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: wrote for a literary syndicate. Mister Whitechoker had known of
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: him as the young man who was to have written
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 1: a Christmas carol for his Sunday school a year before,
• 1:09:01
  Speaker 1: and who had finished and presented the manuscript shortly after
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: New Year's Day. While to the idiot, mister Warren's name
• 1:09:09
  Speaker 1: was familiar as that of a frequent contributor to the
• 1:09:12
  Speaker 1: Funny Papers the day, I was very much amused by
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: your poem and the last number of the observer, mister Warren,
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, as they sat down to breakfast together,
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 1: were you indeed, returned mister Warren. I am sorry to
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 1: hear that, for it was intended to be a serious effort.
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 1: Of course it was, mister Warren, and so it appeared,
• 1:09:35
  Speaker 1: said the schoolmaster, with an indignant glance at the idiot.
• 1:09:38
  Speaker 1: It was a very dignified and stately bit of work,
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: and I must congratulate you upon it. I didn't mean
• 1:09:44
  Speaker 1: to give offense, said the idiot. I've read so much
• 1:09:48
  Speaker 1: of yours that was purely humorous that I believe i'd
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: laugh at a dirge if you should write one. But
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 1: I really thought your lines in the Observer were a burlesque.
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 1: You had the same thought that Rosetti expresses in the Woodspurge.
• 1:10:03
  Speaker 1: The wind flapped loose. The wind was still shaken out
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 1: dead from tree to hill. I had not walked on
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: at the wind's will. I sat now, for the wind
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 1: was still. That's Rosetti, if you remember slightly suggestive a
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 1: blow ye winds of the morning, blow, blow, blow, but
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 1: more or less pleasing I recall the poem you speak of,
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 1: said Warren with dignity, but the true poet, sir, and
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: I hope I have some claim to be considered as such,
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 1: never so far forgets himself as to burlesque his masters. Well,
• 1:10:42
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to call it. Then, when a
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: poet takes the same thought that has previously been used
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 1: by his masters and makes a funny poem, but returned
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 1: the poet warmly. It was not a funny poem. It
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 1: made me laugh, retorted the idiot. And that is more
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 1: than half the professionally funny poems we get nowadays can do. Therefore,
• 1:11:05
  Speaker 1: I say it was a funny poem, and I don't
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 1: see how you can deny that it was a burlesque
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 1: of Rosetti. Well, I do deny it in toto. I
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 1: don't know anything about denying it in toto, rejoined the idiot.
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: But I deny it in print if I were you.
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: I know plenty of people who think it was a burlesque.
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 1: And I overheard one man say he is a Rosetti crank,
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: that you want to be ashamed of yourself for writing it.
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: There's no use of discussing the matter, Further, said the poet.
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 1: I am innocent of any such intent as you have
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 1: ascribed to me. And if people say I have burlesqued Rosetti,
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: they say what is not true? Did you ever read
• 1:11:48
  Speaker 1: that little poem of Swineburn's called the Boy at the Gate,
• 1:11:52
  Speaker 1: asked the idiot to change the subject. I have no
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 1: recollection of it, said the poet shortly. The name sounds familiar,
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 1: put in mister Whitechoker, anxious not to be left out
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 1: of a literary discussion. I have read it, but I
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 1: forget just how it goes, vouchsafed the schoolmaster, forgetting for
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 1: a moment the Robert Elsmere episode and its lesson. It
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: goes something like this, said the idiot. Somber and sear.
• 1:12:24
  Speaker 1: The slim sycamore's sighs lushly. The lithe leaves lie low
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: o'er the land whistles, the wind with its whisperings wise
• 1:12:34
  Speaker 1: gruesomely gloomy and garishly grand. So doth the sycamore solemnly
• 1:12:40
  Speaker 1: stand wearily watching, in wondering. Wait. So it has stood
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 1: for six centuries, and still it is waiting the Boy
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: at the gate. No, I've never read the poem, said
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 1: mister Whitechoker, but i'd know it was Swineburne in a minute.
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 1: He had such a command of a live language. Yes,
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 1: said the poet, with an uneasy glance at the idiot.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: It is Swinebernian. But what was the poem about the
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: boy at the gate, said the idiot. The idea was
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 1: that the sycamore was standing there for centuries waiting for
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: the boy who never turns up. It really is a
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 1: beautiful thought put in, mister Whitechoker. It is, I presume,
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 1: an allegory to contrast faithful devotion and consistency with unfaithfulness
• 1:13:30
  Speaker 1: and fickleness. Such thoughts occur only to the holy gifted.
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 1: It is only to the poetic temperament that the conception
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 1: of such a thought can come coupled with the ability
• 1:13:40
  Speaker 1: to voice it in fitting terms. There is a grandeur
• 1:13:44
  Speaker 1: about the lines the idiot has quoted that betrays the
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: master mind. Very true, said the schoolmaster. And I take
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 1: this opportunity to say that I am most agreeably surprised
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: in the idiot. It is no small thing even to
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 1: be able to repeat a poet it's lines so carefully,
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: and with so great lucidity, and so accurately as I
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 1: can testify that he has just done. Don't be too pleased,
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 1: mister pedagog, said the idiot dryly. I only wanted to
• 1:14:13
  Speaker 1: show mister Warren that you and mister Whitechoker minds of information,
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 1: though you are have not yet worked up a corner
• 1:14:20
  Speaker 1: on knowledge to the exclusion of the rest of us.
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 1: And with these words, the idiot left the table. He
• 1:14:27
  Speaker 1: is a queer fellow, said the schoolmaster. He is full
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: of pretense and hollowness, but he is sometimes almost brilliant.
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 1: What you say is very true, said mister Whitechoker. I
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: think he has just escaped being a smart man. I
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: wish we could take him in hand, mister Pedagog, and
• 1:14:46
  Speaker 1: make him more of a fellow than he is. Later
• 1:14:50
  Speaker 1: in the day, the poet met the idiot on the stairs.
• 1:14:53
  Speaker 1: I say, he said, I've looked all through Swineburne and
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: I can't find that palm. I know you can't, returned
• 1:15:01
  Speaker 1: the idiot, because it isn't there. Swinburne never wrote it.
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: It was a little thing of my own. I was
• 1:15:06
  Speaker 1: only trying to get a rise out of mister Pedagog
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 1: and his reverence with it. You have frequently appeared impressed
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 1: by the undoubtedly impressive manner of these two gentlemen. I
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 1: wanted to show you what their opinions were worth. Thank you,
• 1:15:21
  Speaker 1: returned the poet with a smile. Don't you want to
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 1: go into partnership with me and write for the funny papers.
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 1: It would be a splendid thing for me. Your ideas
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 1: are so original, and I can see fun in everything, too,
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 1: said the idiot thoughtfully. Yes, returned the poet, even in
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 1: my serious poems, which remark made the idiot blush a little.
• 1:15:44
  Speaker 1: But he soon recovered his composure and made a firm
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 1: friend of the poet. The first fruits of the partnership
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 1: have not yet appeared. However, as for Messr's white Choker
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 1: and Pedagogue, when they learned how they had been deceived,
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 1: they were so indignant that they did not speak to
• 1:15:59
  Speaker 1: the ear for a week. Chapter eight. It was Sunday morning,
• 1:16:09
  Speaker 1: and mister Whitechoker, as was his wont on the first
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 1: day of the week, appeared at the breakfast table. Severe
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 1: as to his mien, working on Sunday ways on his mind,
• 1:16:20
  Speaker 1: the idiot said to the bibliomaniac, But I don't see
• 1:16:23
  Speaker 1: why it should. The luxury of the rest that he
• 1:16:25
  Speaker 1: allows himself the other six days of the week is
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 1: surely an atonement for the hours of labor he puts
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 1: in on Sunday. But it was not this that on
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 1: Sunday morning's wait on the mind of the reverend mister Whitechoker,
• 1:16:38
  Speaker 1: he appeared more serious of visage than because he had
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 1: begun to think of late that his fellow boarders lived
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 1: too much in the present and ignored almost totally that
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 1: which might be expected to come. He had been revolving
• 1:16:51
  Speaker 1: in his mind for several weeks the question as to
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 1: whether it was or was not his Christian duty to
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 1: attempt to influence the lives of these men with whom
• 1:16:59
  Speaker 1: the chances of life had brought him in contact. He
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 1: had finally settled it to his own satisfaction that it
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 1: was his duty so to do, and he had resolved,
• 1:17:09
  Speaker 1: as far as lay in his power, to direct the
• 1:17:12
  Speaker 1: conversation at Sunday morning's breakfast into spiritual rather than into
• 1:17:16
  Speaker 1: temporal matters. So as Missus Pedagogue was pouring the coffee,
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 1: mister Whitechoker began, do you, gentlemen, ever pause in your
• 1:17:25
  Speaker 1: every day labors and thought? Be let your minds rest
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 1: upon the future, the possibilities it has in store for us,
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 1: the consequences which no mush, thank you, said the idiot. Then,
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 1: turning to mister Whitechoker, he added, I can't answer for
• 1:17:41
  Speaker 1: the other gentlemen at this boart, but I can assure you,
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 1: mister Whitechoker, that I often do so. It was only
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 1: last night, sir, that my genial friend who imbibes, and
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 1: I were discussing the future and its possibilities. And I
• 1:17:54
  Speaker 1: venture to assert that there is no more profitable food
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 1: for reflection anywhere in the life larders of the mind,
• 1:18:01
  Speaker 1: than that Larders of the mind is excellent, said the schoolmaster,
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 1: with a touch of sarcasm in his voice. Perhaps you
• 1:18:10
  Speaker 1: would not mind opening the door to your mental pantry
• 1:18:13
  Speaker 1: and letting us peep within at the stores you keep there.
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 1: I am sure that on the subject in hand, your
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 1: views cannot fail to be original as well as edifying.
• 1:18:24
  Speaker 1: I am also sure, said mister Whitechoker, somewhat surprised to
• 1:18:28
  Speaker 1: hear the idiot speak as he did, having sometimes ventured
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 1: to doubt if that flippant minded young man ever reflected
• 1:18:35
  Speaker 1: on the serious side of life. I am also sure
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 1: that it is most gratifying to hear that you have
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 1: done some thinking on the subject. I am glad you
• 1:18:45
  Speaker 1: are gratified, mister Whitechoker, replied the idiot. But I am
• 1:18:49
  Speaker 1: far from taking undue credit to myself because I reflect
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: upon the future and its possibilities. I do not see
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 1: how any man can fail to be interested in the subject,
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 1: particularly when he considers the great stride science has made
• 1:19:01
  Speaker 1: in the last twenty years. I fail to see, said
• 1:19:06
  Speaker 1: the schoolmaster, what the strides of science have to do
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 1: with it? You fail to see so often, mister pedagogue,
• 1:19:14
  Speaker 1: returned the idiot, that I would advise your eyes to
• 1:19:17
  Speaker 1: make an assignment in favor of your pupils. I must confess,
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 1: put in, mister white choker blandly, that I too am
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 1: somewhat er, somewhat somewhat up a tree as to sciences
• 1:19:30
  Speaker 1: connection with the future, queried the idiot. You have my meaning,
• 1:19:35
  Speaker 1: but hardly the phraseology I should have chosen, replied the minister.
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 1: My style is rather epigrammatic, said the idiot, suavely. I
• 1:19:45
  Speaker 1: appreciate the flattery implied by your noticing it, but science
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 1: has everything to do with it. It is science that
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 1: is going to make the future great. It is science
• 1:19:55
  Speaker 1: that has annihilated distance, and the annihilation has just begun
• 1:19:59
  Speaker 1: twenty years years ago. It was hardly possible for a
• 1:20:01
  Speaker 1: man standing on one side of the street to make
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 1: himself heard. On the other the acoustic properties of the
• 1:20:07
  Speaker 1: atmosphere not being what they should be. Today, you can
• 1:20:11
  Speaker 1: stand in the pulpit of your church and by means
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 1: of certain scientific apparatus, make yourself heard in Boston, New Orleans,
• 1:20:18
  Speaker 1: or San Francisco. Has this no bearing on the future.
• 1:20:22
  Speaker 1: The time will come, mister Whitechoker, when your missionaries will
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 1: be able to sit in their comfortable rectories and ring
• 1:20:28
  Speaker 1: up the heathen and farign climes and convert them over
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 1: the telephone without running the slightest danger of falling into
• 1:20:34
  Speaker 1: the soup, which expression I use in its literal rather
• 1:20:38
  Speaker 1: than its metaphorical sense. But interrupted, mister Whitechoker. Now wait, please,
• 1:20:46
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. If science can annihilate degrees of distance,
• 1:20:49
  Speaker 1: who shall say that before many days science may not
• 1:20:53
  Speaker 1: annihilate degrees of time. If San Francisco, thousands of miles distant,
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 1: can be brought within range of the years, why cannot
• 1:21:01
  Speaker 1: nineteen ninety be brought before the mind's eye? And if
• 1:21:05
  Speaker 1: nineteen ninety can be brought before the mind's eye, what
• 1:21:07
  Speaker 1: is to prevent the invention of a prophetograph which shall
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 1: enable us to cast a horoscope which shall reach all
• 1:21:14
  Speaker 1: around eternity and half way back, if not further. You
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 1: do not understand me, said mister whitechoker. When I speak
• 1:21:22
  Speaker 1: of the future, I do not mean the temporal future.
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 1: I know exactly what you mean, said the idiot. I've
• 1:21:29
  Speaker 1: dealt in futures, and I am familiar with all kinds.
• 1:21:33
  Speaker 1: It is you, sir, that do not understand me. My
• 1:21:36
  Speaker 1: claim is perfectly plausible, and in its results is bound
• 1:21:39
  Speaker 1: to make the world better. Do you suppose that any man, who,
• 1:21:43
  Speaker 1: by the aid of my pro phetograph, sees that on
• 1:21:47
  Speaker 1: a certain date in the future he will be hanged
• 1:21:49
  Speaker 1: for murder, is going to fail to provide himself with
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 1: an alibi in regard to that particular murder. And must
• 1:21:55
  Speaker 1: we not admit that, having provided himself with that alibi,
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 1: he will of necessity avoid bloodshed and so avow the gallows.
• 1:22:02
  Speaker 1: That's reasonable, So in regard to all the thousand and
• 1:22:06
  Speaker 1: one other peccadillos that go to make this life a
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 1: sinful one, science, by a purely logical advance along the
• 1:22:14
  Speaker 1: lines already mapped out for itself and in part already traversed,
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 1: will enable men to avoid the pitfalls and reap only
• 1:22:21
  Speaker 1: the windfalls of life. We shall all see what terrible
• 1:22:25
  Speaker 1: consequences a weight on a single misstep, and we shall
• 1:22:28
  Speaker 1: not make the misstep. Can you still claim that science
• 1:22:32
  Speaker 1: and the future have nothing to do with each other.
• 1:22:36
  Speaker 1: You are talking of matters purely temporal, said mister Whitechoker.
• 1:22:41
  Speaker 1: I have reference to our spiritual future, and the two,
• 1:22:45
  Speaker 1: observed the idiot, are so closely alied that we cannot
• 1:22:49
  Speaker 1: separate them. The proverb about looking after the pennies and
• 1:22:53
  Speaker 1: letting the pounds take care of themselves applies here. I
• 1:22:56
  Speaker 1: believe that if I take care of my temporal future,
• 1:22:59
  Speaker 1: which by the way, does not exist, my spiritual future
• 1:23:02
  Speaker 1: will take care of itself. And if science places the
• 1:23:06
  Speaker 1: hereafter before us, and you admit that even now it
• 1:23:09
  Speaker 1: is before us, all we have to do is to
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 1: take advantage of our opportunities and mend our lives accordingly.
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 1: But if science shows you what is to come, said
• 1:23:19
  Speaker 1: the schoolmaster, It must show your fate with perfect accuracy,
• 1:23:23
  Speaker 1: or it ceases to be science, in which event your
• 1:23:26
  Speaker 1: entertaining notions as to reform and so on are entirely fallacious.
• 1:23:31
  Speaker 1: Not at all, said the idiot. We are approaching the
• 1:23:35
  Speaker 1: time when science, which is much more liberal than any
• 1:23:38
  Speaker 1: other branch of knowledge, will sacrifice even truth itself for
• 1:23:42
  Speaker 1: the good of mankind. You ought to start a paradox company,
• 1:23:47
  Speaker 1: suggested the doctor. Either that or make himself the nucleus
• 1:23:51
  Speaker 1: of an insane asylum, observed the schoolmaster viciously. I never
• 1:23:55
  Speaker 1: knew a man with such maniacal views as those we
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 1: have heard this morning. There is a great deal, mister pedagog,
• 1:24:02
  Speaker 1: that you have never known, returned the idiot. Stick by me,
• 1:24:06
  Speaker 1: and you'll die with a mind richly steward whereat. The
• 1:24:10
  Speaker 1: schoolmaster left the table with such manifest impatience that mister
• 1:24:14
  Speaker 1: Whitechoker was sorry he had started the conversation. The genial
• 1:24:19
  Speaker 1: gentleman knew occasionally imbibed, and the idiot withdrew to the
• 1:24:22
  Speaker 1: latter's room, where the former observed, what are you driving
• 1:24:27
  Speaker 1: at anyhow? Where did you get those crazy ideas? I
• 1:24:31
  Speaker 1: ate Welsh rare bit last night and dreamed em returned
• 1:24:34
  Speaker 1: the idiot. I thought as much, said his companion, What
• 1:24:39
  Speaker 1: deuced fine things dreams are? Anyhow? Chapter nine. Breakfast was
• 1:24:50
  Speaker 1: nearly over, and it was of such exceptionally good quality
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 1: that very few remarks had been made. Finally the ball
• 1:24:57
  Speaker 1: was set rolling by the lawyer. How many packs of
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 1: cigarettes do you smoke a day, he asked, as the
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 1: idiot took one from his pocket and placed it at
• 1:25:06
  Speaker 1: the side of his coffee cup. Never more than forty six,
• 1:25:11
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. Why do you think of starting a
• 1:25:14
  Speaker 1: cigarette stand? Not at all, said mister brief. I was
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 1: only wondering what chance you had to live to maturity.
• 1:25:21
  Speaker 1: That's all. Your maturity period will be in about eight
• 1:25:25
  Speaker 1: hundred and sixty years from now, the way I calculate,
• 1:25:28
  Speaker 1: and it seemed to me that, judging from the number
• 1:25:31
  Speaker 1: of cigarettes you smoke, you were not likely to last
• 1:25:34
  Speaker 1: through more than two or three of those years. Oh,
• 1:25:38
  Speaker 1: I expect to live longer than that, said the idiot.
• 1:25:41
  Speaker 1: I think I'm good for at least four years, don't you. Doctor.
• 1:25:45
  Speaker 1: I decline to have anything to say about your case,
• 1:25:48
  Speaker 1: retorted the doctor, whose feeling toward the idiot was not
• 1:25:51
  Speaker 1: surpassingly affectionate. In that event, I shall probably live five
• 1:25:56
  Speaker 1: years more, said the idiot. The doctor's lip curled, but
• 1:26:00
  Speaker 1: he remained silent. You'll live, put in mister pedagog with
• 1:26:05
  Speaker 1: a chuckle. The good die, young how did you happen
• 1:26:09
  Speaker 1: to keep alive all this time? Then, mister Pedagog asked
• 1:26:12
  Speaker 1: the idiot, I have always as chewed tobacco in every
• 1:26:16
  Speaker 1: form for one thing, said mister Pedagogue, I am surprised,
• 1:26:21
  Speaker 1: put in the idiot. That's really a bad habit, and
• 1:26:24
  Speaker 1: I marvel greatly that you should have done it. The
• 1:26:27
  Speaker 1: schoolmaster frowned and looked at the idiot over the rims
• 1:26:31
  Speaker 1: of his glasses, as was his wont when he was
• 1:26:33
  Speaker 1: intent upon getting explanations done. What he asked severely chewed tobacco,
• 1:26:41
  Speaker 1: replied the idiot. You just said that one of the
• 1:26:44
  Speaker 1: things that has kept you lingering in this veil of
• 1:26:46
  Speaker 1: tears was that you have always chewed tobacco. I never
• 1:26:50
  Speaker 1: did that, and I never shall do it, because I
• 1:26:53
  Speaker 1: deem it a detestable diversion. I didn't say anything of
• 1:26:57
  Speaker 1: the sort, retorted mister Pedagog, getting red in the face.
• 1:27:01
  Speaker 1: I never said that I chewed tobacco in any form. Oh, come,
• 1:27:07
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, with well feigned impatience. What's the use
• 1:27:11
  Speaker 1: of talking that way. We all heard what you said,
• 1:27:13
  Speaker 1: and I have no doubt that it came as a
• 1:27:15
  Speaker 1: shock to every member of this assemblage. It certainly was
• 1:27:18
  Speaker 1: a shock to me, because with all my weaknesses and
• 1:27:21
  Speaker 1: bad habits, I think tobacco chewing unutterably bad. The worst
• 1:27:26
  Speaker 1: part of it is that you chew it in every form.
• 1:27:29
  Speaker 1: A man who choose chewing tobacco only may sometime throw
• 1:27:33
  Speaker 1: off the habit. But when one gets to be such
• 1:27:36
  Speaker 1: a victim to it that he chews up cigars and
• 1:27:39
  Speaker 1: cigarettes and plugs of pipe tobacco, it seems to me
• 1:27:42
  Speaker 1: that he is incurable. It is not only a bad habit,
• 1:27:45
  Speaker 1: then it amounts to a vice. Mister Pedagog was getting apoplectic.
• 1:27:51
  Speaker 1: You know well enough that I never said the words
• 1:27:54
  Speaker 1: you attribute to me, he said sternly. Really, mister Pedagog,
• 1:28:00
  Speaker 1: returned the idiot with an irritating shake of his head,
• 1:28:03
  Speaker 1: as if he were confidently hinting to the schoolmaster to
• 1:28:06
  Speaker 1: keep quiet. Really, you pain me by these futile denials.
• 1:28:10
  Speaker 1: Nobody forced you into the confession. You made it entirely
• 1:28:14
  Speaker 1: of your own volition. Now I ask you, as a
• 1:28:17
  Speaker 1: man and brother, what's the use of saying anything more
• 1:28:20
  Speaker 1: about it. We believe you to be a person of
• 1:28:23
  Speaker 1: the strictest veracity. But when you say a thing before
• 1:28:26
  Speaker 1: a tableful of listeners one minute and deny it the next.
• 1:28:30
  Speaker 1: We are forced to one of two conclusions, neither of
• 1:28:33
  Speaker 1: which is pleasing. We must conclude that either repenting your confession,
• 1:28:38
  Speaker 1: you sacrifice the truth, or that the habit to which
• 1:28:41
  Speaker 1: you have confessed has entirely destroyed your perception of the
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 1: moral question involved. Undue use of tobacco has I believe
• 1:28:50
  Speaker 1: driven men crazy Opium eating has destroyed all regard for
• 1:28:54
  Speaker 1: truth in one whose word has always been regarded as
• 1:28:57
  Speaker 1: good as a government bond. I presume the undue use
• 1:29:02
  Speaker 1: of tobacco can accomplish the same sad result. By the way,
• 1:29:06
  Speaker 1: did you ever try opium? Opium is ruin? Said the doctor,
• 1:29:12
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog's indignation being so great that he seemed to
• 1:29:15
  Speaker 1: be unable to find the words he was evidently desirous
• 1:29:18
  Speaker 1: of hurling at the idiot. It is indeed, said the idiot.
• 1:29:23
  Speaker 1: I knew a man once who smoked one little pipeful
• 1:29:26
  Speaker 1: of it, and, while under its influence, sat down at
• 1:29:28
  Speaker 1: his table and wrote a story of the supernatural order
• 1:29:31
  Speaker 1: that was so good that everybody said he must have
• 1:29:33
  Speaker 1: stolen it from Poe or some other master of the
• 1:29:36
  Speaker 1: weird and now nobody will have anything to do with him. Tobacco, however,
• 1:29:41
  Speaker 1: in the same use of it is a good thing.
• 1:29:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know of anything that is more satisfying to
• 1:29:47
  Speaker 1: the tired man than to lie back on a sofa
• 1:29:49
  Speaker 1: of an evening and puff clouds of smoke and rings
• 1:29:52
  Speaker 1: into the air. One of the finest dreams I ever
• 1:29:55
  Speaker 1: had came from smoking. I had blown a great mountain
• 1:29:59
  Speaker 1: of smoke out into the room, and it seemed to
• 1:30:01
  Speaker 1: become real, and I climbed it to its summit and
• 1:30:04
  Speaker 1: saw the most beautiful country at my feet, a country
• 1:30:07
  Speaker 1: in which all men were happy, where there were no
• 1:30:10
  Speaker 1: troubles of any kind, where no whim was left ungratified,
• 1:30:15
  Speaker 1: where jealousies were not, and where every man who made
• 1:30:19
  Speaker 1: more than enough to live on paid the surplus into
• 1:30:22
  Speaker 1: the common treasury for the use of those who hadn't
• 1:30:24
  Speaker 1: made quite enough. It was a national realization of the
• 1:30:28
  Speaker 1: Golden rule. And I maintained that if smoking were bad,
• 1:30:32
  Speaker 1: nothing so good, even in the abstract form of an idea,
• 1:30:35
  Speaker 1: could come out of it. That's a very nice thought,
• 1:30:39
  Speaker 1: said the poet. I'd like to put that into verse.
• 1:30:42
  Speaker 1: The idea of people dividing up their surplus of wealth
• 1:30:46
  Speaker 1: among the less successful strugglers. Is beautiful. You can have it,
• 1:30:50
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, with a pleased smile. I don't write
• 1:30:54
  Speaker 1: poetry of that kind myself unless I work hard. And
• 1:30:57
  Speaker 1: I've found that when the poet works hard. He put
• 1:31:00
  Speaker 1: Deuce's poems that read hard, you are welcome to it.
• 1:31:04
  Speaker 1: Another time, I was dreaming over my cigar after a
• 1:31:06
  Speaker 1: day of the hardest kind of trouble at the office.
• 1:31:09
  Speaker 1: Everything had gone wrong with me, and I was blue
• 1:31:12
  Speaker 1: as indigo. I came home here, lit a cigar and
• 1:31:16
  Speaker 1: threw myself down upon my bed and began to puff.
• 1:31:19
  Speaker 1: I felt like a man in a deep pit out
• 1:31:22
  Speaker 1: of which there was no way of getting I closed
• 1:31:25
  Speaker 1: my eyes for a second, and to all intents and purposes,
• 1:31:28
  Speaker 1: I lay in that pit. And then what did tobacco
• 1:31:31
  Speaker 1: do for me? Why? It lifted me right out of
• 1:31:35
  Speaker 1: my prison. I thought I was sitting on a rock
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 1: down in the depths. The stars twinkled tantalizingly above me.
• 1:31:42
  Speaker 1: They invited me to freedom, knowing that freedom was not attainable.
• 1:31:46
  Speaker 1: Then I blew a ring of smoke from my mouth,
• 1:31:49
  Speaker 1: and it began to rise slowly. At first and then
• 1:31:52
  Speaker 1: catching in the current of air, it flew upward more rapidly,
• 1:31:56
  Speaker 1: widening constantly, until it disappeared in the darkness above. Then
• 1:32:00
  Speaker 1: I had a thought. I filled my mouth as full
• 1:32:03
  Speaker 1: of smoke as possible, and blew forth the greatest ring
• 1:32:06
  Speaker 1: you ever saw. And as it started to rise, I
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 1: grasped it in my two hands. It struggled beneath my weight,
• 1:32:14
  Speaker 1: lengthened out into an elliptical link, and broke and let
• 1:32:17
  Speaker 1: me down with a dull thud. Then I made two rings,
• 1:32:21
  Speaker 1: grasping one with my left hand and the other with
• 1:32:24
  Speaker 1: my right, and they lifted you out of the pit.
• 1:32:28
  Speaker 1: I suppose, sneered the bibliomaniac. I do not say that
• 1:32:32
  Speaker 1: they did, said the idiot calmly. But I do know
• 1:32:36
  Speaker 1: that when I opened my eyes, I wasn't in the
• 1:32:38
  Speaker 1: pit any longer, but upstairs in my hall bedroom. How
• 1:32:42
  Speaker 1: awfully mysterious, said the doctor satirically. Well, I don't approve
• 1:32:48
  Speaker 1: of smoking, said mister whitechoker. I agree with the London
• 1:32:52
  Speaker 1: divine who says it is the pastime of perdition. It
• 1:32:56
  Speaker 1: is not prompted by natural instincts. It is only the
• 1:32:58
  Speaker 1: habit of artificial civilization. Dogs and horses and birds get
• 1:33:03
  Speaker 1: along without it. Why shouldn't man here here, cried mister pedagogue,
• 1:33:09
  Speaker 1: clapping his hands approvingly. Where where put in the idiot,
• 1:33:15
  Speaker 1: that's a great argument. Dogs don't put up in boarding houses?
• 1:33:19
  Speaker 1: Is the boarding house therefore the result of a degraded
• 1:33:21
  Speaker 1: artificial civilization. I have seen educated horses that didn't smoke,
• 1:33:26
  Speaker 1: But I have never seen an educated horse, or an
• 1:33:29
  Speaker 1: uneducated one for that matter, that had even had the
• 1:33:32
  Speaker 1: chance to smoke, or the kind of mouth that would
• 1:33:35
  Speaker 1: enable him to do it in case he had the chance.
• 1:33:38
  Speaker 1: I have also observed that horses don't read books, that
• 1:33:41
  Speaker 1: birds don't eat mutton chops, that dogs don't go to
• 1:33:45
  Speaker 1: the opera, that donkeys don't play the piano, at least
• 1:33:49
  Speaker 1: four legged donkeys don't. So you might as well argue that,
• 1:33:53
  Speaker 1: since horses, dogs, birds and donkeys get along without literature, music,
• 1:33:56
  Speaker 1: mutton chops, and piano playing, you've covered music, put in
• 1:34:01
  Speaker 1: the lawyer, who liked to be precise. True, but piano
• 1:34:06
  Speaker 1: playing isn't always music, returned the idiot. You might as
• 1:34:09
  Speaker 1: well argue, because the beasts and the birds do without
• 1:34:12
  Speaker 1: these things, man ought to fish don't smoke. Neither do
• 1:34:15
  Speaker 1: they join the police force. Therefore, man should neither smoke
• 1:34:18
  Speaker 1: nor become a guardian of the peace. Nevertheless, it is
• 1:34:23
  Speaker 1: the pastime of perdition, insisted mister Whitechoker. No it isn't,
• 1:34:29
  Speaker 1: retorted the idiot. Smoking is the business of perdition. It
• 1:34:32
  Speaker 1: smokes because it has to. There there, remonstrated mister Pedagog.
• 1:34:39
  Speaker 1: You mean here here, I presume, said the idiot. I
• 1:34:44
  Speaker 1: mean that you have said enough, remarked mister Pedagog. Sharply,
• 1:34:49
  Speaker 1: very well, said the idiot. If I have convinced you all,
• 1:34:53
  Speaker 1: I am satisfied, not to say gratified, but really, mister Pedagog,
• 1:34:57
  Speaker 1: he added, rising to leave the room. If I were you,
• 1:35:00
  Speaker 1: I'd give up the practice of chewing. Hold on a minute,
• 1:35:04
  Speaker 1: mister idiot, said mister Whitechoker, interrupting. He was desirous that
• 1:35:08
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog should not be further irritated. Let me ask
• 1:35:12
  Speaker 1: you one question. Does your old father smoke? No, said
• 1:35:18
  Speaker 1: the idiot, leaning easily over the back of his chair. No,
• 1:35:22
  Speaker 1: what of it, nothing at all, except that perhaps if
• 1:35:26
  Speaker 1: he could get along without it, you might, suggested the clergyman.
• 1:35:30
  Speaker 1: He couldn't get along without it. If he knew what
• 1:35:33
  Speaker 1: good tobacco was, said the idiot, then why don't you
• 1:35:38
  Speaker 1: introduce him to it, asked the minister, Because I do
• 1:35:42
  Speaker 1: not wish to make him unhappy, returned the idiot softly.
• 1:35:46
  Speaker 1: He thinks his seventy years have been the happiest years
• 1:35:49
  Speaker 1: that any mortal ever had. And if now in his
• 1:35:52
  Speaker 1: seventy first year he discovered that during the whole period
• 1:35:55
  Speaker 1: of his manhood he had been deprived through ignorance of
• 1:35:58
  Speaker 1: so great a blessing as a good cigar, he'd become
• 1:36:01
  Speaker 1: like the rest of us, living in anticipation of the
• 1:36:04
  Speaker 1: lights to come, and not finding approximate bliss in living
• 1:36:08
  Speaker 1: over the past. Trust me, my dear mister Whitechoker, to
• 1:36:12
  Speaker 1: look after him. He and my mother and my life
• 1:36:15
  Speaker 1: are all I have. The idiot left the room, and
• 1:36:20
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagogue put in a greater part of the next
• 1:36:23
  Speaker 1: half hour in making personal statements to the remaining borders
• 1:36:26
  Speaker 1: to the effect that the word he used was eschewed
• 1:36:30
  Speaker 1: and not the one attributed to him by the idiot.
• 1:36:33
  Speaker 1: Strange to say, most of them were already aware of
• 1:36:36
  Speaker 1: that fact, and of Part two of The Idiot by
• 1:36:47
  Speaker 1: John Kendrick Bangs, Part three of The Idiot by John
• 1:37:02
  Speaker 1: Kendrick Bangs. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 1:37:08
  Speaker 1: Reading by Greg Marguerite, Part three of The Idiot by
• 1:37:16
  Speaker 1: John Kendrick Bangs, Chapter ten. The progress of invention in
• 1:37:28
  Speaker 1: this country has been very remarkable, said mister Pedagogue, as
• 1:37:32
  Speaker 1: he turned his attention from a scientific weekly he had
• 1:37:35
  Speaker 1: been reading to a towering pile of buckwheat cakes that
• 1:37:39
  Speaker 1: Mary had just brought in. An Englishman has just discovered
• 1:37:43
  Speaker 1: a means by which a ship in distress at sea
• 1:37:46
  Speaker 1: can write for help on the clouds. Extraordinary, said mister Whitechoker.
• 1:37:53
  Speaker 1: It might be more so, observed the idiot coaxing the
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  Speaker 1: platter full of cakes out of the schoolmaster's reach by
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 1: a dexterous movement of his hand. And it will be
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  Speaker 1: more so some day. The time is coming when the
• 1:38:06
  Speaker 1: moon itself will be used by some enterprising American who
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  Speaker 1: advertise his soap business. I haven't any doubt that the
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  Speaker 1: next fifty years will develop a stereopticon, by means of
• 1:38:18
  Speaker 1: which a picture of a certain brand of cigar may
• 1:38:20
  Speaker 1: be projected through space until it seems to be held
• 1:38:23
  Speaker 1: between the teeth of the man and the moon, with
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  Speaker 1: a printed legend below it, stating that this is two
• 1:38:29
  Speaker 1: for fivers, best rolled from handmade tobacco, warranted not to
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  Speaker 1: crock or fade, and for sale by all tobacconists at
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  Speaker 1: eighteen for a dime. You would call that an advance
• 1:38:44
  Speaker 1: an invention, eh, asked the schoolmaster. Why not, queried the idiot,
• 1:38:51
  Speaker 1: do you consider the invention which would enable man to
• 1:38:54
  Speaker 1: debase nature to the level of an advertising medium in advance?
• 1:38:59
  Speaker 1: By should not consider the use of the moon for
• 1:39:02
  Speaker 1: the dissemination of good news a debasement. If the cigars
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  Speaker 1: were good, and I have no doubt that some one
• 1:39:09
  Speaker 1: will yet invent a cheap cigar that is good, it
• 1:39:12
  Speaker 1: would benefit the human race to be acquainted with the fact.
• 1:39:16
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes that the advertisements in the newspapers and
• 1:39:19
  Speaker 1: the periodicals of the day are of more value to
• 1:39:22
  Speaker 1: the public than the reading matter so called that stands
• 1:39:26
  Speaker 1: next to them. I don't see why you should sneer
• 1:39:29
  Speaker 1: at advertising. I should never have known you, for instance,
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  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog, had it not been for missus Pedagog's advertisement
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  Speaker 1: offering board and lodging two single gentlemen for a consideration,
• 1:39:41
  Speaker 1: nor would you have met Missus smithers Now, your estimable wife, yourself,
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  Speaker 1: had it not been for that advertisement, why then do
• 1:39:49
  Speaker 1: you sneer at the ladder upon which you have, in
• 1:39:52
  Speaker 1: a sense climbed to your present happiness. You are ungrateful.
• 1:39:58
  Speaker 1: How do you ramify? Said mister pedagogue. I believe there
• 1:40:03
  Speaker 1: is no subject in the world which you cannot connect,
• 1:40:05
  Speaker 1: in some way or another with every other subject in
• 1:40:08
  Speaker 1: the world. A discussion of the merits of Shakespeare's sonnets
• 1:40:11
  Speaker 1: could be turned by your dexterous tongue in five minutes
• 1:40:14
  Speaker 1: into a quarrel over the comparative merits of cider and
• 1:40:17
  Speaker 1: cod liver oil as beverages. With you, the chances are
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  Speaker 1: the advocate of cod liver oil as a steady drink, Well,
• 1:40:26
  Speaker 1: I must say, said the idiot with a smile. It
• 1:40:30
  Speaker 1: has been my experience that cod liver oil is steadier
• 1:40:33
  Speaker 1: than cider. The cod liver oils I have had the
• 1:40:37
  Speaker 1: pleasure of absorbing have been evenly vile, while the ciders
• 1:40:42
  Speaker 1: that I have drank have been a variety of goodness, badness,
• 1:40:45
  Speaker 1: and indifferentness, which has brought me to the point where
• 1:40:49
  Speaker 1: I never touch it. But to return to inventions. Since
• 1:40:53
  Speaker 1: you desire to limit our discussion to a single subject,
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  Speaker 1: I think it is about the most interesting field of
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  Speaker 1: speculat imaginable. There you are right, said mister Pedagog, approvingly.
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  Speaker 1: There is absolutely no limit to the possibilities involved. It
• 1:41:09
  Speaker 1: is almost within the range of possibilities that some man
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  Speaker 1: may yet invent a buckwheat cake that will satisfy your
• 1:41:16
  Speaker 1: abnormal craving for that delicacy which the present total output
• 1:41:20
  Speaker 1: of this table seems unable to do. Here mister Pedagog
• 1:41:25
  Speaker 1: turned to his wife and added, my dear, will you
• 1:41:28
  Speaker 1: request the cook hereafter to prepare individual cakes for us?
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  Speaker 1: The idiot has so far monopolized all that have as
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  Speaker 1: yet appeared. It appears to me, said the idiot at
• 1:41:40
  Speaker 1: this point, that you are the ramifier. Mister Pedagog, nevertheless,
• 1:41:46
  Speaker 1: ramify as much as you please. I can follow you
• 1:41:49
  Speaker 1: at a safe distance, of course, in the discussion of
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  Speaker 1: anything from Edison to flapchacks. I think your suggestion regarding
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  Speaker 1: individual cakes is a good one. We might all have
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  Speaker 1: some separate griddles upon which gladys the cook can prepare them,
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  Speaker 1: and on these griddles might be cast in bold relief.
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  Speaker 1: The crest of each member of the household, so that
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  Speaker 1: every man's cake should buy an easy process in the making,
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  Speaker 1: come off the fire, indelibly engraved with the evidence of
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  Speaker 1: its destiny. Mister Pedagogue's iron, for instance, might have upon
• 1:42:22
  Speaker 1: it a school book rampant, or a large head in
• 1:42:26
  Speaker 1: the same condition, mister Whitechoker's cake mark might be a
• 1:42:30
  Speaker 1: pulpit rampant based upon a vestryman dormant. The doctor might
• 1:42:36
  Speaker 1: have a blossongy shield with a suitable tincture, while my
• 1:42:40
  Speaker 1: genial friend, who occasionally in bibes, could have a barry
• 1:42:43
  Speaker 1: shield surmounted by a small effigy of Cambrynus. You appear
• 1:42:49
  Speaker 1: to know something of heraldry, said the poet, with a
• 1:42:52
  Speaker 1: look of surprise. I know something of everything, said the
• 1:42:56
  Speaker 1: idiot complacently. It's a pity you don't know everything about something,
• 1:43:02
  Speaker 1: sneered the doctor. I would suggest, said the schoolmaster dryly,
• 1:43:06
  Speaker 1: that a little rampant jackass would make a good crest
• 1:43:10
  Speaker 1: for your cakes. That's a very good idea, said the idiot.
• 1:43:15
  Speaker 1: I do not know, but that a jackass rampant would
• 1:43:18
  Speaker 1: be about as comprehensive of my virtues as anything I
• 1:43:22
  Speaker 1: might select. The jackass is a combination of all the
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  Speaker 1: best qualities. He is determined, he minds his own business.
• 1:43:30
  Speaker 1: He doesn't indulge in flippant conversation. He is useful, has
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  Speaker 1: no vices, never pretends to be anything but a jackass,
• 1:43:38
  Speaker 1: and most respectfully declines to be ridden by Tom, Dick
• 1:43:42
  Speaker 1: and Harry. I accept the suggestion of mister Pedagog with thanks,
• 1:43:47
  Speaker 1: but we are still ramifying. Let us get back to
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  Speaker 1: inventions now. I fully believe that the time is coming
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  Speaker 1: when some inventive genius will devise a method whereby intellect
• 1:43:59
  Speaker 1: can be given to those who haven't any. I believe
• 1:44:02
  Speaker 1: that the time is coming when the secrets of the
• 1:44:04
  Speaker 1: universe will be yielded up to man by nature and
• 1:44:09
  Speaker 1: then queried mister brief. Then some man will try to
• 1:44:14
  Speaker 1: improve on the secrets of the universe. He will try
• 1:44:17
  Speaker 1: to invent an apparatus by means of which the rotation
• 1:44:20
  Speaker 1: of the world may be made faster or slower according
• 1:44:23
  Speaker 1: to his will. If he has but one day, for instance,
• 1:44:27
  Speaker 1: in which to do a stated piece of work, and
• 1:44:30
  Speaker 1: he needs too, he will put on some patent break
• 1:44:33
  Speaker 1: and slow the world up until the distance traveled in
• 1:44:36
  Speaker 1: one hour shall be reduced one half, so that the
• 1:44:40
  Speaker 1: hour under the old system will be equivalent to two.
• 1:44:43
  Speaker 1: Or if he is anticipating some joy some diversion in
• 1:44:47
  Speaker 1: the future, the same smart person will find a way
• 1:44:50
  Speaker 1: to increase the speed of the Earth so that the
• 1:44:52
  Speaker 1: hours will be like minutes. Then he'll begin fooling with gravitation,
• 1:44:58
  Speaker 1: and he will discover a new fashioned life foodstone, which
• 1:45:01
  Speaker 1: can be carried in one's hat to counteract the influence
• 1:45:04
  Speaker 1: of the center of gravity when one falls out of
• 1:45:06
  Speaker 1: a window or off a precipice, the result of which
• 1:45:10
  Speaker 1: will be that the person who falls off one of
• 1:45:13
  Speaker 1: these high places will drop down slowly and not with
• 1:45:16
  Speaker 1: the rapidity, which at the present day is responsible for
• 1:45:20
  Speaker 1: the dreadful outcome of accidents of that sort. Then, finally,
• 1:45:25
  Speaker 1: you pretend to be able to penetrate to the finality,
• 1:45:28
  Speaker 1: do you, asked the clergyman. Why not? It is as
• 1:45:34
  Speaker 1: easy to imagine the finality as it is to go
• 1:45:36
  Speaker 1: halfway there, returned the idiot. Finally he will tackle some
• 1:45:41
  Speaker 1: elementary principle of nature, and he'll blow the world to smithereens.
• 1:45:46
  Speaker 1: There was silence at the table. This at least seemed
• 1:45:50
  Speaker 1: to be a tenable. Theory that man should have the
• 1:45:53
  Speaker 1: temerity to take liberties with elementary principles was quite within reason,
• 1:45:58
  Speaker 1: man being an animal of conceit, and that the result
• 1:46:02
  Speaker 1: would bring about destruction was not at all at variance
• 1:46:05
  Speaker 1: with probability. I believe it's happened once or twice already,
• 1:46:10
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. Do you really, asked mister Pettigog, with
• 1:46:15
  Speaker 1: a show of interest, upon what do you base this belief? Well?
• 1:46:20
  Speaker 1: Take Africa, said the idiot. Take North America. What do
• 1:46:25
  Speaker 1: we find. We find in the sands of the Sahara
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  Speaker 1: a great statue, which we call the Sphinx, and about
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  Speaker 1: which we know nothing except that it is there, and
• 1:46:34
  Speaker 1: that it keeps its mouth shut. We find marvelous creations
• 1:46:38
  Speaker 1: in engineering that today surpass anything that we can do.
• 1:46:43
  Speaker 1: The Sphinx, when discovered, was covered by sand. Now, I
• 1:46:47
  Speaker 1: believe that at one time there were people much further
• 1:46:51
  Speaker 1: advanced in science than ourselves who made these wonderful things,
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  Speaker 1: who knew how to do things that we don't even
• 1:46:57
  Speaker 1: dream of doing. And I believe that they, like this
• 1:47:01
  Speaker 1: creature I have predicted, got fooling with the center of gravity,
• 1:47:05
  Speaker 1: and that the world slipped its moorings for a period
• 1:47:08
  Speaker 1: of time, during which time it tumbled topsy turvy into space,
• 1:47:12
  Speaker 1: and that banks and banks of sand and water and ice,
• 1:47:16
  Speaker 1: thrown out of position, simply swept on and over the
• 1:47:19
  Speaker 1: whole surface of the globe continuously, until the Earth got
• 1:47:22
  Speaker 1: into the grip of the rest of the universe once more,
• 1:47:25
  Speaker 1: and started along in a new orbit. We know that
• 1:47:29
  Speaker 1: where we are high and dry today, the ocean must
• 1:47:32
  Speaker 1: have once rolled. We know that where the world is
• 1:47:36
  Speaker 1: now all sunshine and flowers, great glaciers stood. What caused
• 1:47:42
  Speaker 1: all this change nothing else, in my judgment, than the
• 1:47:45
  Speaker 1: monking of man. With the forces of nature. The poles changed,
• 1:47:50
  Speaker 1: And it wouldn't surprise me a bit that if the
• 1:47:52
  Speaker 1: North Pole were ever found and could be thought out,
• 1:47:55
  Speaker 1: we should find embedded in that great sea of ice
• 1:47:59
  Speaker 1: evidences of a former civilization, just as in the Saharan
• 1:48:03
  Speaker 1: waste evidences of the same thing have been found. I
• 1:48:07
  Speaker 1: know of a place out west that is literally strewn
• 1:48:10
  Speaker 1: with oyster shells, and yet no man living has the
• 1:48:13
  Speaker 1: slightest idea how they came there. It may have been
• 1:48:17
  Speaker 1: the Massachusetts Bay of a prehistoric time. For all we know,
• 1:48:22
  Speaker 1: it may have been an antediluvian coney island. For all
• 1:48:25
  Speaker 1: the world knows, who shall say that this little upset
• 1:48:29
  Speaker 1: of mine found here an oyster bed, shook all the
• 1:48:33
  Speaker 1: oysters out of their bed into space, and left their
• 1:48:36
  Speaker 1: clothes high and dry in a locality which, but for
• 1:48:39
  Speaker 1: those garments, would seem never to have known the oyster
• 1:48:42
  Speaker 1: in his prime. Oft in Westchester County, on the top
• 1:48:46
  Speaker 1: of a high hill lies a rock, And in the
• 1:48:49
  Speaker 1: uppermost portion of that rock is a so called pothole,
• 1:48:53
  Speaker 1: made by nothing else than the dropping of water of
• 1:48:56
  Speaker 1: a brook and the swirling of pebbles therein. It is
• 1:49:00
  Speaker 1: now beyond the reach of anything in the shape of water,
• 1:49:04
  Speaker 1: save that which falls from the heavens. It is certain
• 1:49:07
  Speaker 1: that this pothole was never made by a boy with
• 1:49:10
  Speaker 1: a watering pot, by a hired man with a hose,
• 1:49:14
  Speaker 1: by a workman with a drill, or by any rain
• 1:49:17
  Speaker 1: storm that ever fell in Westchester County. There must, at
• 1:49:21
  Speaker 1: some time or another have been a stream there, And
• 1:49:24
  Speaker 1: as streams do not flow up hill and bore potholes
• 1:49:28
  Speaker 1: on mountain tops, there must have been a valley there.
• 1:49:32
  Speaker 1: Some great cataclysm took place. For that cataclysm nature must
• 1:49:36
  Speaker 1: be held responsible mainly, But what prompted nature to raise
• 1:49:41
  Speaker 1: hob with Westchester County millions of years ago and let
• 1:49:44
  Speaker 1: it sleep like Rip van Winkle ever since? Nature isn't
• 1:49:48
  Speaker 1: a freak. She is depicted as a woman, but in
• 1:49:51
  Speaker 1: spite of that, she is not whimsical. She does not
• 1:49:54
  Speaker 1: act upon impulses. There must have been some cause for
• 1:49:58
  Speaker 1: her behavior in turn valleys into hills, in transforming huge
• 1:50:03
  Speaker 1: cities into wastes of sand, and oyster beds into shell quarries.
• 1:50:07
  Speaker 1: And it is my belief that man was the contributing cause.
• 1:50:12
  Speaker 1: He tapped the earth for natural gas, he bored in,
• 1:50:16
  Speaker 1: and he bored out, and he bored nature to death.
• 1:50:19
  Speaker 1: And then nature rose up and smote him and his
• 1:50:22
  Speaker 1: cities and his oyster beds. And she'll do it again
• 1:50:25
  Speaker 1: unless we go slow. There is a great deal in
• 1:50:30
  Speaker 1: what you say, said mister Whitechoker. Very true, said missus Pedagogue.
• 1:50:37
  Speaker 1: But I wish he'd stop saying it. The last three
• 1:50:40
  Speaker 1: dozen cakes have got cold as ice while he was talking.
• 1:50:43
  Speaker 1: And I can't afford such reckless waste, nor we, missus pedagogue,
• 1:50:49
  Speaker 1: said the idiot with a pleasant smile. For as I
• 1:50:52
  Speaker 1: was saying to the Bibliomaniac, this morning, your buckwheat cakes are,
• 1:50:56
  Speaker 1: to my mind the very highest development of our modern civilization,
• 1:51:00
  Speaker 1: and to have even one of them wasted seems to
• 1:51:02
  Speaker 1: me to be a crime against nature herself, for which
• 1:51:06
  Speaker 1: a second, third, or fourth shaking up of this earth
• 1:51:09
  Speaker 1: would be an inadequate punishment. This remark so pleased Missus
• 1:51:14
  Speaker 1: Pedagog that she ordered the cook to send up a
• 1:51:17
  Speaker 1: fresh lot of cakes, and the guests, after eating them,
• 1:51:20
  Speaker 1: adjourned to their various duties, with light hearts and digestions,
• 1:51:24
  Speaker 1: occupied with work of great importance. Chapter eleven. I wonder
• 1:51:35
  Speaker 1: what would have happened if Columbus had not discovered America,
• 1:51:39
  Speaker 1: said the bibliomaniac, as the company prepared to partake of
• 1:51:42
  Speaker 1: the morning meal. He would have gone home disappointed, said
• 1:51:47
  Speaker 1: the idiot, with a look of surprise on his face,
• 1:51:50
  Speaker 1: which seemed to indicate that, in his opinion, the bibliomaniac
• 1:51:54
  Speaker 1: was very dull witted not to have solved the problem
• 1:51:57
  Speaker 1: for himself. He would have gone home disc appointed, and
• 1:52:00
  Speaker 1: we would now be foreigners like most other Americans. Mister
• 1:52:04
  Speaker 1: Pedagogue would doubtless be instructing the young scions of the
• 1:52:07
  Speaker 1: aristocracy of Tipperary, mister Whitechoker would be Archbishop of Canterbury.
• 1:52:13
  Speaker 1: The bibliomaniac would be raising bulbs in Holland And and
• 1:52:18
  Speaker 1: you would be wandering about with the other wild men
• 1:52:21
  Speaker 1: of Borneo at the present time, put in the schoolmaster. No,
• 1:52:26
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, not quite. I should be dividing my
• 1:52:30
  Speaker 1: time up between Holland, France, Switzerland and Spain. You are
• 1:52:35
  Speaker 1: an international sort of idiot, eh, queried the lawyer, with
• 1:52:39
  Speaker 1: a chuckle at his own wid Say rather a cosmopolitan idiot,
• 1:52:45
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. Among my ancestors, I number individuals of
• 1:52:49
  Speaker 1: various nations, though I suppose that if we go back
• 1:52:53
  Speaker 1: far enough, we were all in the same boat as
• 1:52:55
  Speaker 1: far as that is concerned. One of my great great
• 1:52:59
  Speaker 1: grandfathers was a Scotchman, one of them was a Dutchman,
• 1:53:03
  Speaker 1: another was a Spaniard, and a fourth was a Frenchman.
• 1:53:06
  Speaker 1: What the others were, I don't know. It's a nuisance
• 1:53:10
  Speaker 1: looking up one's ancestors. I think they increase. So as
• 1:53:14
  Speaker 1: you go back into the past, every man has had
• 1:53:17
  Speaker 1: two grandfathers, four great grandfathers, eight great great grandfathers, sixteen
• 1:53:22
  Speaker 1: great great great grandfathers, thirty two fathers raised in the
• 1:53:26
  Speaker 1: fourth power of great Grandness, and so on, increasing in
• 1:53:30
  Speaker 1: number as you go further back, until it is hardly
• 1:53:33
  Speaker 1: possible for anyone to throw a brick into the pages
• 1:53:36
  Speaker 1: of history without hitting somebody who is more or less
• 1:53:39
  Speaker 1: responsible for his existence. I dare say there is a
• 1:53:43
  Speaker 1: streak of Julius Caesar in me, and I haven't to
• 1:53:46
  Speaker 1: doubt that if our friend, mister Pedagogue here were to
• 1:53:48
  Speaker 1: take the trouble to investigate, he would find that Caesar
• 1:53:51
  Speaker 1: and Cassius and Brutus could be numbered among his early progenitors.
• 1:53:56
  Speaker 1: And now that I think of it, I must say that,
• 1:53:59
  Speaker 1: in my estimation, he is an unusually amiable man, considering
• 1:54:03
  Speaker 1: how diverse the nature of these men were. Think of
• 1:54:06
  Speaker 1: it for a minute. Here a man unites in himself
• 1:54:09
  Speaker 1: Caesar and Cassius and Brutus, two of whom killed the third,
• 1:54:13
  Speaker 1: and then, having quarreled together, went out upon a battlefield
• 1:54:16
  Speaker 1: and slaughtered themselves, after making extemporaneous remarks for which this
• 1:54:21
  Speaker 1: miserable world gives Shakespeare all the credit. It's worse than
• 1:54:25
  Speaker 1: the case of a friend of mine, one of whose
• 1:54:27
  Speaker 1: grandfathers was French, and the other German. How did it
• 1:54:32
  Speaker 1: affect him, asked mister whitechoker. It made him distrust himself,
• 1:54:37
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, with a smile, and for that reason
• 1:54:41
  Speaker 1: he never could get on in the world. When his
• 1:54:44
  Speaker 1: teutonic nature suggested that he'd do something, his gallic blood
• 1:54:48
  Speaker 1: would rise up and spoil everything, and vice versa. He
• 1:54:52
  Speaker 1: was eternally quarreling with himself. He was a victim to
• 1:54:56
  Speaker 1: internal disorder of the worst sword. And what prey finally
• 1:55:01
  Speaker 1: became of him, asked the clergyman. He shot himself in
• 1:55:06
  Speaker 1: a duel, returned the idiot, with a wink at the
• 1:55:09
  Speaker 1: genial old gentleman, who occasionally imbibed. It was very sad.
• 1:55:14
  Speaker 1: I've known sadder things, said mister Pedagog, wearily. Your elaborate jokes,
• 1:55:19
  Speaker 1: for instance, they are enough to make a strong man weep.
• 1:55:24
  Speaker 1: You flatter me, mister Pedagog, said the idiot. I have never,
• 1:55:28
  Speaker 1: in all my experience as a cracker of jests, made
• 1:55:31
  Speaker 1: a man laugh until he cried. But I hope to
• 1:55:34
  Speaker 1: some day. But really, do you know, I think Columbus
• 1:55:39
  Speaker 1: is an immensely overrated man, if you come down to it.
• 1:55:43
  Speaker 1: What did he do? He went out to sea in
• 1:55:46
  Speaker 1: a ship and sailed for three months, and when he
• 1:55:49
  Speaker 1: least expected it ran slam bang up against the western hemisphere.
• 1:55:53
  Speaker 1: It was like shooting at a barn door with a
• 1:55:55
  Speaker 1: gatling gun. He was bound to hit it sooner or later.
• 1:56:00
  Speaker 1: You don't give him any credit for tenacity, or purpose
• 1:56:03
  Speaker 1: or good judgment, then asked mister Brief. Of course, I
• 1:56:08
  Speaker 1: do plenty of it. He stuck to his ship like
• 1:56:11
  Speaker 1: a hero who didn't know how to swim. His judgment
• 1:56:14
  Speaker 1: was great. He had too much sense to go back
• 1:56:17
  Speaker 1: to Spain without any news of something, because he fully
• 1:56:20
  Speaker 1: understood that unless he had something to show for the trip,
• 1:56:22
  Speaker 1: there would have been a great laugh on Queen Isabella
• 1:56:25
  Speaker 1: for selling her jewels to provide for a ninety day
• 1:56:28
  Speaker 1: yacht cruise for him, and a lot of common sailors
• 1:56:31
  Speaker 1: which would never have done so. He kept on and on,
• 1:56:35
  Speaker 1: and finally some unknown lookout up in the bow discovered America.
• 1:56:40
  Speaker 1: Then Columbus went home and told everybody that if it
• 1:56:43
  Speaker 1: hadn't been for his own eagle eye, emigration wouldn't have
• 1:56:47
  Speaker 1: been invented, and world's fairs would have been local institutions.
• 1:56:52
  Speaker 1: Then they got up a parade in which the King
• 1:56:54
  Speaker 1: and Queen graciously took part, and Columbus became a great man. Meanwhile,
• 1:57:00
  Speaker 1: all the unknown lookout who did discover the land was
• 1:57:03
  Speaker 1: knocking about the town and thinking he was a very
• 1:57:06
  Speaker 1: lucky fellow to get an extra glass of grog. It
• 1:57:09
  Speaker 1: wasn't anything more than the absolute justice of fate that
• 1:57:13
  Speaker 1: caused the new land to be named America and not Columbia.
• 1:57:17
  Speaker 1: It really ought to have been named after that fellow
• 1:57:20
  Speaker 1: up in the bow. But my dear idiot put in
• 1:57:24
  Speaker 1: the bibliomaniac. The scheme itself was Columbus's own. He evolved
• 1:57:29
  Speaker 1: the theory that the earth is round like a ball.
• 1:57:32
  Speaker 1: To quote mister Pedagog, began the idiot. You can't quote
• 1:57:37
  Speaker 1: me in your own favor, snapped the schoolmaster. Wait until
• 1:57:42
  Speaker 1: I have finished, said the idiot. I was only going
• 1:57:45
  Speaker 1: to quote you by saying tut, that's all. And so
• 1:57:49
  Speaker 1: I repeat in the words of mister Pedagog, Tut tut
• 1:57:53
  Speaker 1: evolved the theory. Why man, how could he help evolving
• 1:57:58
  Speaker 1: the theory? There was the sun rising in the east
• 1:58:01
  Speaker 1: every morning and setting in the west every night. What
• 1:58:04
  Speaker 1: else was there to believe that somebody put the sun
• 1:58:07
  Speaker 1: out every night? And sneaked back east with it under
• 1:58:10
  Speaker 1: cover of darkness. But you forget that the wise men
• 1:58:14
  Speaker 1: of the day laughed at his idea, said mister Pedagog,
• 1:58:18
  Speaker 1: surveying the idiot after the fashion of a man who
• 1:58:20
  Speaker 1: has dealt an adversary as stinging blow. That only proves
• 1:58:25
  Speaker 1: what I have always said, replied the idiot. Wise men
• 1:58:29
  Speaker 1: can't find fun in anything but stern facts. Wise men
• 1:58:33
  Speaker 1: always do laugh at truth. Whenever I advance some new proposition,
• 1:58:38
  Speaker 1: you sit up there next to missus Pedagogue and indulge
• 1:58:41
  Speaker 1: in tut tutterance of the most intolerant sword. If you
• 1:58:45
  Speaker 1: had been one of the wise men of Columbus's time,
• 1:58:48
  Speaker 1: there isn't any doubt in my mind that when Columbus
• 1:58:51
  Speaker 1: said the earth was round, you'd have remarked tut tut
• 1:58:56
  Speaker 1: in Spanish. There was silence for a minute, and the
• 1:58:59
  Speaker 1: idiot began again. There's another point about this whole business
• 1:59:04
  Speaker 1: that makes me tired, he said. It only goes to
• 1:59:07
  Speaker 1: prove the conceit of these Europeans. Here was a great
• 1:59:11
  Speaker 1: continent inhabited by countless people. A European comes over here
• 1:59:16
  Speaker 1: and is said to be the discoverer of America, and
• 1:59:19
  Speaker 1: is glorified. Statues of him are scattered broadcast all over
• 1:59:23
  Speaker 1: the world. Pictures of him are printed in the newspapers
• 1:59:26
  Speaker 1: and magazines. A dozen different varieties of portraits of him
• 1:59:30
  Speaker 1: are printed on postage stamps as big as circus posters,
• 1:59:34
  Speaker 1: and all for what, Because he discovered a land that
• 1:59:37
  Speaker 1: millions of Indians had known about for centuries. On the
• 1:59:41
  Speaker 1: other hand, when Columbus goes back to Spain, several of
• 1:59:44
  Speaker 1: the Native Americans trust their precious lives to his old tubs.
• 1:59:48
  Speaker 1: One of these savages must have been the first American
• 1:59:51
  Speaker 1: to discover Europe. Where are the statues of the Indian
• 1:59:55
  Speaker 1: who discovered Europe? Where are the postage stamps showing how
• 1:59:58
  Speaker 1: he looked on the day when Europe first struck his vision?
• 2:00:02
  Speaker 1: Where is anybody spending a billion of dollars getting up
• 2:00:06
  Speaker 1: a world's fair in commemoration of Low's discovery of Europe.
• 2:00:11
  Speaker 1: He didn't know it was Europe, said the bibliomaniac. Columbus
• 2:00:16
  Speaker 1: didn't know this was America, retorted the idiot. In fact,
• 2:00:19
  Speaker 1: Columbus didn't know anything. He didn't know any better than
• 2:00:23
  Speaker 1: to write a letter to Queen Isabella and mail it
• 2:00:25
  Speaker 1: in a keg that never turned up. He didn't even
• 2:00:28
  Speaker 1: know how to steer his old boat into a real
• 2:00:31
  Speaker 1: solid continent instead of getting ten days on the island.
• 2:00:35
  Speaker 1: He was an awfully wise man. He saw an island
• 2:00:38
  Speaker 1: swarming with Indians and said, why this must be India.
• 2:00:43
  Speaker 1: And worst of all, if his pictures mean anything, he
• 2:00:46
  Speaker 1: didn't even know enough to choose his face and stick
• 2:00:48
  Speaker 1: to it. Don't talk Columbus to me unless you want
• 2:00:51
  Speaker 1: to prove that luck is the greatest factor of success.
• 2:00:56
  Speaker 1: Ill luck is sometimes a factor of success, said mister Pettigaug.
• 2:01:00
  Speaker 1: You are a successful idiot, which appears to me to
• 2:01:04
  Speaker 1: be extremely unfortunate. I don't know about that, said the idiot.
• 2:01:09
  Speaker 1: I adapt myself to my company, and of course then
• 2:01:13
  Speaker 1: you are a schoolmaster among schoolmasters, a lawyer among lawyers,
• 2:01:17
  Speaker 1: and so forth, queried the bibliomaniac. What are you when
• 2:01:22
  Speaker 1: your company is made up of widely diverse characters, asked
• 2:01:26
  Speaker 1: mister Brief. Before the idiot had a chance to reply
• 2:01:28
  Speaker 1: to the Bibliomaniac's question, I try to be a widely
• 2:01:33
  Speaker 1: diverse character myself, and trying to sit on many stools,
• 2:01:39
  Speaker 1: fall and become just an idiot, said mister pedagogue. That's
• 2:01:44
  Speaker 1: according to the way you look at it. I put
• 2:01:46
  Speaker 1: my company to the test. In the crucible of my mind.
• 2:01:49
  Speaker 1: I analyze the characters of all about me, and whatever
• 2:01:54
  Speaker 1: quality predominates in the precipitate that I become. Thus, in
• 2:01:59
  Speaker 1: the presence of my employ lawyer and his office boy,
• 2:02:01
  Speaker 1: I become a mixture of both, something of the employer,
• 2:02:05
  Speaker 1: something of an office boy. I run errands for my
• 2:02:08
  Speaker 1: employer and boss the office boy. With you, gentlemen, I
• 2:02:12
  Speaker 1: go through the same process. The bibliomaniac, the schoolmaster, mister Brief,
• 2:02:17
  Speaker 1: and the rest of you have been cast into the crucible,
• 2:02:20
  Speaker 1: and I have tried to approximate the result. And are
• 2:02:24
  Speaker 1: an idiot, said the schoolmaster. It is your own name
• 2:02:29
  Speaker 1: for me. Gentlemen, returned the idiot. I presume you have
• 2:02:32
  Speaker 1: recognized your composite self and have chosen the title accordingly.
• 2:02:38
  Speaker 1: You were a little hard on me this morning, weren't you,
• 2:02:41
  Speaker 1: asked the genial old gentleman, who occasionally imbibed that evening
• 2:02:44
  Speaker 1: when he and the idiot were discussing the morning's chad.
• 2:02:48
  Speaker 1: I didn't like to say anything about it, but I
• 2:02:50
  Speaker 1: don't think you ought to have thrown me into the
• 2:02:52
  Speaker 1: crucible with the rest. I wish you had spoken, said
• 2:02:57
  Speaker 1: the idiot warmly. It would have given me a chance
• 2:02:59
  Speaker 1: to say that the grain of sense that once or
• 2:03:02
  Speaker 1: twice a year elevens the lump of my idiocy is
• 2:03:06
  Speaker 1: directly due to the ingredient furnished by yourself. Here's to you,
• 2:03:10
  Speaker 1: old man. If you and I lived alone together, what
• 2:03:13
  Speaker 1: a wise man I should be. And then the genial
• 2:03:17
  Speaker 1: old gentleman went to the cupboard and got out a
• 2:03:20
  Speaker 1: bottle of port wine that he had been preserving in
• 2:03:22
  Speaker 1: cobwebs for ten years. This he opened, and as he
• 2:03:26
  Speaker 1: did so, he said, I've been keeping this for years,
• 2:03:30
  Speaker 1: my boy. It was dedicated in my youth to the
• 2:03:32
  Speaker 1: thirst of the first man who truly appreciated me. Take
• 2:03:36
  Speaker 1: it all, I'll divide it with you, returned the idiot,
• 2:03:40
  Speaker 1: with a smile. For really, old fellow. I think you.
• 2:03:44
  Speaker 1: I think you appreciate yourself as much as I do.
• 2:03:51
  Speaker 1: Chapter twelve. I wonder what it costs to run a flat,
• 2:03:58
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, starring his coffee with the saltspoon, a
• 2:04:02
  Speaker 1: proceeding which seemed to indicate that he was thinking of
• 2:04:04
  Speaker 1: something else. Don't you keep an expense account, asked the bibliomaniac.
• 2:04:10
  Speaker 1: Slyly laughed missus Pedagogue. First rate joke, said the idiot
• 2:04:17
  Speaker 1: with a smile. But really, now I should like to
• 2:04:20
  Speaker 1: know for how little an apartment could be run. I
• 2:04:23
  Speaker 1: am interested. Missus Pedagogue stopped laughing at once. The idiot's
• 2:04:28
  Speaker 1: words were ominous. She did not like his views, but
• 2:04:32
  Speaker 1: she did like his money, and she was not at
• 2:04:34
  Speaker 1: all anxious to lose him as a boarder. It's very expensive,
• 2:04:39
  Speaker 1: she said firmly. I shouldn't ever advise anyone to undertake
• 2:04:43
  Speaker 1: living in a flat. Rents are high, butcher bills are
• 2:04:46
  Speaker 1: enormous because the butchers have to pay commissions. Not only
• 2:04:50
  Speaker 1: to the cook so that she'll use twice as much
• 2:04:52
  Speaker 1: lard as she can and give away three or four
• 2:04:54
  Speaker 1: times as much to the poor as she ought, but
• 2:04:57
  Speaker 1: janitors have to be seen to and el boys, and
• 2:05:01
  Speaker 1: all that. Groceries come high for the same reason. Oh, no,
• 2:05:06
  Speaker 1: flat life isn't the life for anybody. I say, give
• 2:05:09
  Speaker 1: me a good, first class boarding house, Am I not right? John? Yes, indeed,
• 2:05:15
  Speaker 1: said mister Pedagog. Every time I lived in a flat once,
• 2:05:19
  Speaker 1: and it was an awful nuisance. Above me lived a
• 2:05:23
  Speaker 1: dancing master who gave lessons at every hour of the
• 2:05:26
  Speaker 1: day in the room directly over my study, so that
• 2:05:28
  Speaker 1: I was always being disturbed at my work, while below
• 2:05:32
  Speaker 1: me was a music teacher who was practicing all night,
• 2:05:35
  Speaker 1: so that I could hardly sleep. Worst of all, on
• 2:05:38
  Speaker 1: the same floor with me was a miserable person of
• 2:05:41
  Speaker 1: convivial tendencies, who always mistook my door for his when
• 2:05:45
  Speaker 1: he came home after midnight, and who gave some quite
• 2:05:49
  Speaker 1: estimable people two floors below to believe that it was
• 2:05:52
  Speaker 1: I and not he who sang comic songs between three
• 2:05:56
  Speaker 1: and four o'clock in the morning. There has not been
• 2:05:59
  Speaker 1: too much life lost between the idiot and myself. But
• 2:06:02
  Speaker 1: I cannot be so vindictive as to recommend him to
• 2:06:06
  Speaker 1: live in a flat. I can bear testimony to the
• 2:06:09
  Speaker 1: same effect put in mister Brief, who was two weeks
• 2:06:13
  Speaker 1: in arrears and anxious to conciliate his landlady, testimony to
• 2:06:18
  Speaker 1: the effect that mister Pedagog sang comic songs in the
• 2:06:20
  Speaker 1: early morning, said the idiot, nonsense. I don't believe it.
• 2:06:25
  Speaker 1: I have lived in this house for two years with
• 2:06:27
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog, and I've never heard him raise his voice
• 2:06:29
  Speaker 1: in song. Yet I didn't mean anything of the sort,
• 2:06:34
  Speaker 1: retorted mister Brief. You know I didn't. Don't apologize to me,
• 2:06:39
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. Apologized to mister Pedagogue. He is the
• 2:06:42
  Speaker 1: man you have wronged. What did he say, put in
• 2:06:46
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog, with a stern look at mister Brief. I
• 2:06:49
  Speaker 1: didn't hear what he said. I didn't say anything, said
• 2:06:54
  Speaker 1: the lawyer, except that I could bear testimony to the
• 2:06:57
  Speaker 1: effect that your existence with flat light was similar to mine.
• 2:07:01
  Speaker 1: This young person, with his customary nerve, tries to make
• 2:07:05
  Speaker 1: it appear that I said you sang comic songs in
• 2:07:07
  Speaker 1: the early morning. I try to do nothing of the sort,
• 2:07:12
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. I simply expressed my belief that, in
• 2:07:15
  Speaker 1: spite of what you said, mister Pedagog was innocent. And
• 2:07:19
  Speaker 1: I do so because my experience with him has taught
• 2:07:21
  Speaker 1: me that he is not the kind of man who
• 2:07:24
  Speaker 1: would do that sort of thing. He has neither time, voice,
• 2:07:27
  Speaker 1: nor inclination. He has an ear, two of them in fact,
• 2:07:32
  Speaker 1: and an impressionable mind. But oh, tut, interrupted the schoolmaster.
• 2:07:39
  Speaker 1: When I need a defender, you may spare yourself the
• 2:07:41
  Speaker 1: trouble of flying to my rescue. I know, I may,
• 2:07:46
  Speaker 1: said the idiot, but with me it's a question of
• 2:07:50
  Speaker 1: can and can't. I'm willing to attack you personally, but
• 2:07:54
  Speaker 1: while I live, no others shall do so. Wherefore I
• 2:07:58
  Speaker 1: tell mister Brief, plainly and to his face, that if
• 2:08:02
  Speaker 1: he says you ever sang a comic song, he says,
• 2:08:04
  Speaker 1: what is not? So you might hum one, but sing it. Never.
• 2:08:10
  Speaker 1: We were talking of flats, I believe, said mister Whitechoker. Yes,
• 2:08:16
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. And these persons have changed it from
• 2:08:19
  Speaker 1: flat talk to sharp talk. Well, dannyhow put in mister Brief.
• 2:08:25
  Speaker 1: I lived in a flat once, and it was anything
• 2:08:28
  Speaker 1: but pleasant. I lost a case once for the simple
• 2:08:31
  Speaker 1: and only reason that I lived in a flat. It
• 2:08:34
  Speaker 1: was a case that required a great deal of strategy
• 2:08:37
  Speaker 1: on my part, and I invited my client to my
• 2:08:40
  Speaker 1: home to unfold my plan of action. I got interested
• 2:08:43
  Speaker 1: in this scheme as I unfolded it and spoke in
• 2:08:46
  Speaker 1: my usual impassioned manner, as though addressing a jury. And
• 2:08:50
  Speaker 1: would you believe it, the opposing council happened to be
• 2:08:52
  Speaker 1: visiting a friend on the next floor, and my eloquence
• 2:08:56
  Speaker 1: floated up through the air. Shaft and gave our whole
• 2:08:58
  Speaker 1: plan of action away. We were routed on the point
• 2:09:02
  Speaker 1: we had supposed would pierce the enemy's armor and lay
• 2:09:05
  Speaker 1: him at our feet for the whole simple reason that
• 2:09:09
  Speaker 1: the abominable air shaft had made my strategic move a
• 2:09:12
  Speaker 1: matter of public knowledge. That's a good idea for a play,
• 2:09:17
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. A roaring farce could be built up
• 2:09:21
  Speaker 1: on that basis. Villain an accomplice on one floor, innocent
• 2:09:25
  Speaker 1: victim on floor above, plot floats up air shaft, innocent
• 2:09:30
  Speaker 1: victim overhears, villain an accomplice say ha ha. For three acts,
• 2:09:35
  Speaker 1: and take a back seat in the fourth, with a
• 2:09:37
  Speaker 1: grand transformation showing the conspirators in the county jail. As
• 2:09:41
  Speaker 1: a finale. Write it up with lots of livestock wandering
• 2:09:45
  Speaker 1: in and out. Bring in janitors and elevator boys and butchers.
• 2:09:48
  Speaker 1: Show up some of the humors of flat life, if
• 2:09:51
  Speaker 1: there be any such. Call it a hole in the
• 2:09:54
  Speaker 1: flat and put it on the stage. Nine hundred knights
• 2:09:58
  Speaker 1: is the very shortest run it could have, which, at
• 2:10:01
  Speaker 1: fifty dollars a night for the author is forty five
• 2:10:04
  Speaker 1: thousand dollars in good hard dollars mister poet, the idea
• 2:10:08
  Speaker 1: is yours for a fiver. Say the word thanks, said
• 2:10:13
  Speaker 1: the poet, with a smile. I'm not a dramatist. Then
• 2:10:16
  Speaker 1: I'll have to do it myself, said the idiot. And
• 2:10:19
  Speaker 1: if I do, goodbye Shakespeare. That's so, said mister pedagogue.
• 2:10:26
  Speaker 1: Nothing could more effectually ruin the dramatic art than to
• 2:10:29
  Speaker 1: have you write a play. People seeing your work would
• 2:10:33
  Speaker 1: say here, this will never do. The stage must be
• 2:10:37
  Speaker 1: discouraged at all costs. A hypocrite throws the ministry into disgrace,
• 2:10:42
  Speaker 1: and ignoramus brings shame upon education, and an unpopular lawyer
• 2:10:46
  Speaker 1: gives the bar a bad name. I think you are
• 2:10:50
  Speaker 1: just the man to ruin Shakespeare. Then I'll give up
• 2:10:55
  Speaker 1: my ambition to become a playwright and stick to idiocy,
• 2:10:58
  Speaker 1: said the idiot. But to come back to flats, your
• 2:11:02
  Speaker 1: feeling in regard to them is entirely different from that
• 2:11:05
  Speaker 1: of a friend of mine who has lived in one
• 2:11:07
  Speaker 1: for ten years. He thinks flat life is ideal. His
• 2:11:11
  Speaker 1: children can't fall downstairs because there aren't any stairs to
• 2:11:15
  Speaker 1: fall down. His roof never leaks because he hasn't any
• 2:11:19
  Speaker 1: roof to leak. And when he and his family want
• 2:11:21
  Speaker 1: to go off somewhere, all he has to do is
• 2:11:24
  Speaker 1: lock his front door and go Burglars never climb into
• 2:11:28
  Speaker 1: his front window because they are all eight flights up.
• 2:11:32
  Speaker 1: Damp cellars don't trouble him because they are too far
• 2:11:35
  Speaker 1: down to do him any injury, even if they overflow.
• 2:11:39
  Speaker 1: The cares of housekeeping are reduced to a minimum. His
• 2:11:42
  Speaker 1: cook doesn't spend all her time in the front area
• 2:11:45
  Speaker 1: flirting with the postman because there isn't any front area
• 2:11:48
  Speaker 1: to his flat, And in a social way, his wife
• 2:11:51
  Speaker 1: is most delightfully situated because most of her friends live
• 2:11:55
  Speaker 1: in the same building, and instead of having to hire
• 2:11:58
  Speaker 1: a carriage to go calling in, all she has to
• 2:12:00
  Speaker 1: do is to take the elevator and go from one
• 2:12:03
  Speaker 1: floor to another. If he pines for a change of scene,
• 2:12:07
  Speaker 1: he is high enough up in the air to get
• 2:12:10
  Speaker 1: it by looking out of his windows over the tops
• 2:12:13
  Speaker 1: of other buildings into the green fields to the north,
• 2:12:16
  Speaker 1: or looking westward into the state of New Jersey. Instead
• 2:12:20
  Speaker 1: of taking a drive through the park or a walk,
• 2:12:23
  Speaker 1: all he and his wife need to do is to
• 2:12:26
  Speaker 1: take a telescope and follow some little Sylvan path with
• 2:12:29
  Speaker 1: their eyes. Then as for expense. He finds that he
• 2:12:33
  Speaker 1: saves money by means of a co operative scheme. For instance,
• 2:12:37
  Speaker 1: if he wants shad for dinner, and he and his
• 2:12:39
  Speaker 1: wife cannot eat a whole one, he goes shares on
• 2:12:42
  Speaker 1: the shad and its cost with his neighbors above and below. Yes,
• 2:12:47
  Speaker 1: and his neighbors above and below borrow tea and eggs
• 2:12:50
  Speaker 1: and butter and ice and other things whenever they run short,
• 2:12:53
  Speaker 1: so that in that way he loses all he saves,
• 2:12:56
  Speaker 1: said mister Pedagog, resolved not to give in. He does
• 2:13:01
  Speaker 1: if he isn't smart, said the idiot. I thought of
• 2:13:04
  Speaker 1: that myself and asked him about it, and he told
• 2:13:07
  Speaker 1: me that he kept account of all that, and always
• 2:13:10
  Speaker 1: made it a point after some neighbor had borrowed two
• 2:13:12
  Speaker 1: pounds of butter from him to send in before the
• 2:13:15
  Speaker 1: week was over, and borrow three pounds of butter from
• 2:13:17
  Speaker 1: the neighbor. So far, his books show that he is
• 2:13:21
  Speaker 1: sixteen pounds of butter, seven pounds of tea, and one
• 2:13:23
  Speaker 1: bottle of vanilla extract, and a ton of ice ahead
• 2:13:26
  Speaker 1: of the whole house. He is six eggs in a
• 2:13:29
  Speaker 1: box of matches behind. In his egg and match count
• 2:13:33
  Speaker 1: but under the circumstances, I think he can afford it.
• 2:13:37
  Speaker 1: But said Missus Pedagog, anxious to know the worst. Why er, er,
• 2:13:42
  Speaker 1: why are you so interested, well, said the idiot slowly,
• 2:13:49
  Speaker 1: I er, I am contemplating a change, Missus Pedagog, A
• 2:13:53
  Speaker 1: change that would fill me. I say it sincerely too,
• 2:13:57
  Speaker 1: with regret. If the idiot paused a minute and his
• 2:14:00
  Speaker 1: eye swept fondly about the table, his voice was getting
• 2:14:04
  Speaker 1: a little husky too, mister Whitechoker noticed it would fill
• 2:14:09
  Speaker 1: me with regret. I say, if it were not that,
• 2:14:11
  Speaker 1: in taking up housekeeping, I am to have the assistance
• 2:14:15
  Speaker 1: of a better half. What cried the bibliomaniac. You you
• 2:14:22
  Speaker 1: are going to be to be married? Why not, said
• 2:14:27
  Speaker 1: the idiot. Imitation is the sincerest flattery. Mister Pedagog marries,
• 2:14:31
  Speaker 1: and I am going to flatter him as sincerely as
• 2:14:34
  Speaker 1: I can by following in his footsteps. May I may
• 2:14:39
  Speaker 1: we ask to whom? Asked Missus Pedagogue softly. Certainly, said
• 2:14:45
  Speaker 1: the idiot to mister Barlow's daughter. Mister Barlow is or
• 2:14:50
  Speaker 1: was my employer? Was? Is he not? Now? Are you
• 2:14:54
  Speaker 1: going out of business? Asked mister Pedagog. No, But you
• 2:15:00
  Speaker 1: I see when I went to see mister Barlow in
• 2:15:02
  Speaker 1: the matter. He told me that he liked me very much,
• 2:15:05
  Speaker 1: and he had no doubt I would make a good
• 2:15:07
  Speaker 1: husband for his daughter. But after all, he added that
• 2:15:10
  Speaker 1: I was nothing but a confidential clerk on a small salary,
• 2:15:13
  Speaker 1: and he thought his daughter could do better. She couldn't
• 2:15:17
  Speaker 1: find a better fellow, mister idiot, said mister Pedagog, and
• 2:15:21
  Speaker 1: mister Pedagog rose to the occasion by nodding his entire
• 2:15:24
  Speaker 1: acquiescence in the statement, Thank you very much, said the idiot.
• 2:15:29
  Speaker 1: That was precisely what I told mister Barlow, and I
• 2:15:32
  Speaker 1: suggested a scheme to him by which his sole objection
• 2:15:35
  Speaker 1: could be got around. You would start in business for yourself,
• 2:15:40
  Speaker 1: said mister Whitechoker. In a sense, yes, said the idiot.
• 2:15:45
  Speaker 1: Only the way I put it was that a good
• 2:15:47
  Speaker 1: confidential clerk would make a good partner for him, and he,
• 2:15:51
  Speaker 1: after thinking it over, thought I was right. It certainly
• 2:15:55
  Speaker 1: was a characteristically novel way out of the dilemma, said
• 2:15:59
  Speaker 1: mister Brief with a smile. I thought so myself, and
• 2:16:03
  Speaker 1: so did he. So it was all arranged. On the
• 2:16:06
  Speaker 1: first of next month I enter the firm, and on
• 2:16:08
  Speaker 1: the fifteenth I am to be married. The company warmly
• 2:16:13
  Speaker 1: congratulated the idiot upon his good fortune, and he shortly
• 2:16:16
  Speaker 1: left the room, more overcome by their felicitations than he
• 2:16:20
  Speaker 1: had been by their arguments in the past. The few
• 2:16:24
  Speaker 1: days left passed quickly by, and there came a breakfast
• 2:16:28
  Speaker 1: at Missus Pedagog's house that was a mixture of joy
• 2:16:31
  Speaker 1: and sadness. A joy for his happiness, sadness that the
• 2:16:35
  Speaker 1: table should know the idiot no more. Among the wedding
• 2:16:39
  Speaker 1: gifts was a handsomely bound series of volumes, including encyclopedia,
• 2:16:44
  Speaker 1: a dictionary, and a little tome of palms, the first
• 2:16:48
  Speaker 1: output of the poet. These came together with a card
• 2:16:52
  Speaker 1: inscribed from your friends of the breakfast table, of whom
• 2:16:56
  Speaker 1: the Idiot said, when Missus Idiot asked for information, they,
• 2:17:00
  Speaker 1: my dear, next to yourself and my parents are the
• 2:17:04
  Speaker 1: dearest friends I ever had. We must have them up
• 2:17:07
  Speaker 1: to breakfast some morning breakfast, queried Missus Idiot. Yes, my dear,
• 2:17:14
  Speaker 1: he replied, simply, I should be afraid to meet them
• 2:17:17
  Speaker 1: at any other meal. I am always at my best
• 2:17:20
  Speaker 1: at breakfast, and they well, they never are. And of
• 2:17:30
  Speaker 1: Part three of the Idiot and of the Idiot by
• 2:17:36
  Speaker 1: John Kendrick Bangs