Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #632 Let's Talk About Data Sets: Relationship Satisfaction Research

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#632 Let's Talk About Data Sets: Relationship Satisfaction Research · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, these findings suggest you're not going to know very
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  Speaker 2: much about who you'd be happy with by knowing all
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  Speaker 2: of the details in the world about that potential date.
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  Speaker 2: You're going to learn the most about a possible fit
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  Speaker 2: between you and another person by what you actually experience
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  Speaker 2: with that person.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the scars of our show, My Mum
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  Speaker 1: and Dad.
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  Speaker 2: Every now and again, I come across some research, Kylie
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  Speaker 2: that is so exciting that I can't wait for the
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  Speaker 2: doctor's desk. It's so exciting, Like you know when I
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  Speaker 2: read something and just go, oh, that is so good.
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  Speaker 2: Today today we're doing it. Today. We're going to talk
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  Speaker 2: about our intimate relationship, the spousal or partnered relationship between
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  Speaker 2: two adults, and how we can make it stronger based
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  Speaker 2: on a groundbreaking study using forty three major data sets,
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  Speaker 2: and what it tells us about relationship satisfaction. I'm so
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  Speaker 2: excited about this research, so excited about this research.
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  Speaker 3: You know how I usually feel about research, but I
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  Speaker 3: actually have really enjoyed reading over this and talking about
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  Speaker 3: it with you.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, So here's here's the deal. Do you want me
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  Speaker 2: to just tell you about the study and we'll go,
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  Speaker 2: or do you want to sort of do you have
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  Speaker 2: questions about it from the outset? How do you want
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  Speaker 2: to do this?
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  Speaker 1: No?
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  Speaker 3: I think you start sharing?
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  Speaker 2: Okay. So this is a new and massive study by
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  Speaker 2: two researchers, Samantha Joel and Paul Eastwick. And what they've
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  Speaker 2: done is they've grabbed forty three data sets. So this
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  Speaker 2: is a big study to answer a question about what
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  Speaker 2: factors are most strongly associated with relationship satisfaction. So how
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  Speaker 2: satisfied are you in our relationship is essentially the question
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  Speaker 2: that they're asking, and what I love. So there's about
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  Speaker 2: eighty four researchers that are involved in this because they've
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  Speaker 2: gone out to so many different people. It's an incredible
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  Speaker 2: team job.
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  Speaker 3: They utilized over eleven thousand couples.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a really business.
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  Speaker 3: It's a big study.
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  Speaker 2: And what they've done as well as they've used a
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  Speaker 2: really deeply sophisticated form of statistical analysis that just didn't
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  Speaker 2: used to exist. They're using deep learning, a whole lot
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  Speaker 2: of computer learning, lots and lots and lots of calculations
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  Speaker 2: going on and as they've gone through this, what they've
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  Speaker 2: essentially done is they've removed the possibility for bias that
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  Speaker 2: so many researchers end up bringing into their research. It's
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  Speaker 2: just I don't even fully understand everything that they've done.
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  Speaker 2: This is well beyond anything that I learned at university.
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  Speaker 2: But the level of statistical power and the level of
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  Speaker 2: statistical depth that's gone into this, I think is just extraordinary.
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  Speaker 2: This is one of the best studies that I've ever
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  Speaker 2: come across. So what did it find? Number One, If
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  Speaker 2: you want to have a high level of relationship satisfaction
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  Speaker 2: in your relationship, the researchers have basically said that the
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  Speaker 2: main takeaway from the study it's not who you're with,
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  Speaker 2: it's the dynamic that you have with them. So it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't matter about the person's personal attribute, it's their characteristics.
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  Speaker 2: It's actually about the relationship that you have with them
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  Speaker 2: that determines, to a very very large extent, the extent
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  Speaker 2: to which you're happy and satisfied in that relationship.
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  Speaker 3: When you read that to me earlier, what stood out
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  Speaker 3: to me the most was how many times you and
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  Speaker 3: I have had a conversation about different people that we
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  Speaker 3: know and gone.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, you're making this sound. I don't say that you're
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  Speaker 2: going to make this sound judgy. We would never do that.
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  Speaker 3: No, no, no, but just pow. Did those two end
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  Speaker 3: up together? They're so different And in some cases you've
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  Speaker 3: got this ridiculously sweet woman with this very abrupt, you know,
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  Speaker 3: kind of straight down the line guy, and you think,
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  Speaker 3: how does this work?
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  Speaker 2: Or vice versa. I remember on one of our first dates,
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  Speaker 2: we're driving along through East Gosford and we've put up
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  Speaker 2: a set of lights and you and I were just
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  Speaker 2: talking away like crazy. And I don't know if you
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  Speaker 2: remember this incident or not, but I looked at you,
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  Speaker 2: and then I looked at the people in the car
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  Speaker 2: beside it's also stopped at the lights. Do you remember
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  Speaker 2: what happened? I can't believe you remember?
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  Speaker 1: What?
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  Speaker 2: Did I say? What happened?
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  Speaker 3: You said? I can't imagine being in a car and
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  Speaker 3: not having something to say to the person next to
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  Speaker 3: me because they were just sitting in silence.
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  Speaker 2: They're both staring out the window. The driver that they
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  Speaker 2: were a young couple. He's just staring at the front
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  Speaker 2: and she's staring at the passenger window like I'd rather
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  Speaker 2: be anywhere else. And I was like, really, now, now
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  Speaker 2: some people that they would hear that and they'd think, no, no,
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  Speaker 2: that's bliss. That's perfect.
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  Speaker 3: If you see us in a car and we're not talking,
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  Speaker 3: it's because I'm cranky, but she might have been cranky
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  Speaker 3: at him.
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  Speaker 2: But what matters is the dynamic between them, the dynamic,
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  Speaker 2: And so if they're both satisfied with the dynamic, regardless
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  Speaker 2: of the individual characteristics, the personality differences that they have,
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  Speaker 2: they're not entirely but they're almost irrelevant compared to the
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  Speaker 2: quality of the dynamic that the way that they interact.
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  Speaker 2: So what these two researchers essentially said is this relationship
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  Speaker 2: specific variables are about two to three times as predictive
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  Speaker 2: as individual differences. And Samantha Joel adds, she says this
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  Speaker 2: and I quote which I think would fit many people's intuitions.
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  Speaker 2: But the surprising part is that once you have all
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  Speaker 2: the relationships specific data in hand, the individual differences fade
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  Speaker 2: into the background. So I think the easiest way to
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  Speaker 2: describe this is for me to share something that one
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  Speaker 2: of my favorite research is a guy called Scott Stanley
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  Speaker 2: who has a brilliant Twitter account and website called decide
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  Speaker 2: or slide, and he said, this is what it's actually like.
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  Speaker 2: Suppose you're using an online dating service. You're looking at
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  Speaker 2: a lot of profiles and pictures of potential partners. These
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  Speaker 2: findings suggest you're not going to know very much about
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  Speaker 2: who you'd be happy with by knowing all of the
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  Speaker 2: details in the world about that potential date. As Joel
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  Speaker 2: has argued, so well, you're going to learn the most
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  Speaker 2: about a possible fit between you and another person by
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  Speaker 2: what you actually experience with that person. And that's why
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  Speaker 2: dating apps. I'm not a fan of dating apps. I
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  Speaker 2: know that they can work. I know some people find love.
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  Speaker 2: That's great, but you don't find love until you have
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  Speaker 2: the dynamic, until you have the interaction. Checking a whole
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  Speaker 2: list of boss is not nearly as valuable as having
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  Speaker 2: the interpersonal connection looking in that person's eyes and seeing
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  Speaker 2: the spark, feeling the smile, feeling the warmth fill your chest, because,
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  Speaker 2: oh my goodness, the dynamic is just electric.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think I'm the only one who's had the
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  Speaker 3: experience where everyone's told you've got to go and meet
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  Speaker 3: that person. They're amazing, and they give you all of
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  Speaker 3: the reasons why this person's going to be your next
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  Speaker 3: best friend or your boyfriend or whatever it is. And
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  Speaker 3: you meet them and you're kind of going, what's everyone
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  Speaker 3: so excited about? And again, it comes down to that dynamic. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: what I bring to the relationship and what that person
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  Speaker 3: brings to the relationship just doesn't gel. That doesn't mean
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  Speaker 3: that either of us are a bad person. It just
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  Speaker 3: means that the dynamic that we bring just doesn't It
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  Speaker 3: does doesn't.
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  Speaker 2: Fit to right. So ask me what mattered most?
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  Speaker 3: What mattered most?
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  Speaker 2: I'm glad you asked. What a great question. So across
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  Speaker 2: everything we've studied the top five variables, the top five
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  Speaker 2: variables that explained the most variance both present satisfaction and
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  Speaker 2: future relationship satisfaction with these number one perceived part in
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  Speaker 2: the commitment that ranked at the top of the list.
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  Speaker 2: I love that this is the top of the list.
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  Speaker 2: So it's kind of like me being asked, how much
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  Speaker 2: do you justin think that Kylie is committed to the relationship.
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  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter how committed you actually are. What matters
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  Speaker 2: is my perception of your level of commitment. See, when
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  Speaker 2: I think about you and the way that you're committed
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  Speaker 2: to our relationship, and our family. There's no question, there's
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  Speaker 2: no doubt in my mind, it's one hundred percent. It's
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  Speaker 2: just you're committed, full stop, end of story. And therefore,
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  Speaker 2: one of the main reasons that I can be completely
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  Speaker 2: satisfied in our relationship is I know that you're committed.
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  Speaker 2: I know it. My perception of your level of commitment
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  Speaker 2: to me and to our relationship is sky high. And
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  Speaker 2: hopefully you'd say the same thing in reverse. Hopefully you'd
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  Speaker 2: say the same thing in reverse, hopefully leaving you hanging.
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  Speaker 2: The second thing is appreciation, feeling like you really appreciate
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  Speaker 2: your spouse or partner. That's the second biggest indicator of
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  Speaker 2: present and future satisfaction. So when somebody can look at
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  Speaker 2: you and say, I appreciate you so much, I recognize
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  Speaker 2: what you do, I'm so grateful for you. When you
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  Speaker 2: know that you're appreciated, when there's that high level of
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  Speaker 2: gratitude in your relationship, oh my goodness, what it does
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  Speaker 2: for your relationship satisfaction is it's enormous. The third one
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  Speaker 2: you might want to fast forward the next thirty seconds.
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  Speaker 2: If you've got little kids in the card, this little
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  Speaker 2: bit will be for sense, will not be for sensitive
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  Speaker 2: or immature or young. Is The third contributor to present
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  Speaker 2: and future relationship satisfaction is the level of sexual satisfaction.
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  Speaker 2: You have the quality of an intimate relationship pretty smiling
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  Speaker 2: at well.
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  Speaker 3: What I love about this is it's not top of
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  Speaker 3: the list, and so often our conversations would suggest that
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  Speaker 3: that's what people put a huge emphasis on. But the
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  Speaker 3: reality is that without that perceived partner commitment and the
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  Speaker 3: appreciation sexual satisfaction.
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  Speaker 2: Is that an all time low, it's going to be
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  Speaker 2: lower that that, right, So that actually fits there really
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  Speaker 2: beautifully because these other two variables are in place. So
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  Speaker 2: number one perceived partner commitment, Number two appreciation, Number three
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  Speaker 2: feeling satisfied when things get a little bit steamy. Number
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  Speaker 2: four perceived partner satisfaction. So again, this isn't about the
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  Speaker 2: attributes that I'm bringing or that you're bringing to a relationship. Rather,
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  Speaker 2: it's my perception of how satisfied you are in the relationship.
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  Speaker 2: And this is why we feel so good in our relationships.
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  Speaker 2: When I look at you and I get to say,
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  Speaker 2: I know that my wife loves the fact that she's
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  Speaker 2: married to me. I have this sense of predictability, this
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  Speaker 2: sense of security, this sense of safety in the relationship.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm doing a good job as a husband.
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  Speaker 2: That's why things were so bad early on in our marriage,
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  Speaker 2: because I was doing a lousy job. But over time
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  Speaker 2: I feel better about it. And presumably you feel as
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  Speaker 2: good about being in the relationship with me as I
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  Speaker 2: think you feel about being in the relationship.
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  Speaker 3: Right when I look at this list, though, what I see,
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  Speaker 3: if you were to kind of culminate it all into
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  Speaker 3: one word, it's about building a relationship of trust.
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  Speaker 2: That's not one word building a relationship, but that's five words.
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  Speaker 2: I trust. Okay, trusty, let's just go trust yep. Sure.
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  Speaker 3: If I trust that you're committed to me, and if
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  Speaker 3: I trust that there's this level of appreciation for the
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  Speaker 3: things that I do, I'm able to be my authentic
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  Speaker 3: self with you in the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, I
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  Speaker 3: can be that person because I have a high level
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  Speaker 3: of trust in the relationship, and that follows through into
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  Speaker 3: the level of satisfaction that I see in you or
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  Speaker 3: you see in me as a result of the relationship
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  Speaker 3: that's built on trust.
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  Speaker 2: One of the critical things about what you've said and
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  Speaker 2: what this research shows is that relationship satisfaction is actually
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  Speaker 2: often not about the relationship. I mean it is, but
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  Speaker 2: it's not. It's actually about what's going on inside your head.
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  Speaker 2: So my perception of what's happening for you, my perception
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  Speaker 2: of how satisfied you are, my perception of how committed
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  Speaker 2: you are, that is the biggest indicator of how satisfied
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  Speaker 2: I am, and vice versa. The degree to which you
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  Speaker 2: believe that I'm committed and satisfied and grateful, that predicts
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  Speaker 2: how satisfied you are. Therefore, what this study really shows
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  Speaker 2: is that people project their own relationship perceptions and behaviors
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  Speaker 2: onto their relationship, onto their partner. And I think this
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  Speaker 2: is so important. This is a really really critical thing
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  Speaker 2: for relationship well being.
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  Speaker 3: I think if you were to take out step number
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  Speaker 3: three and so.
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  Speaker 2: Remove the intimacy aspect.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, this actually plays out in just about all of
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  Speaker 3: our relationships.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because trust is at the core, I think.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, But it's all about the perceived that that's the
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  Speaker 3: biggest word out of this whole thing. It's about our
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: perception of what's going on for us and for them.
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  Speaker 2: So as an addendum to this, as an additional level
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  Speaker 2: to this, Scott Stanley who I mentioned before, Decide or
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  Speaker 2: Slide from Twitter and from the University of Denver. He
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  Speaker 2: and one of his colleagues, Gallina Rhodes, have a whole
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  Speaker 2: lot of research that points to something else that I
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  Speaker 2: think is really fascinating here, and that is when it
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  Speaker 2: comes to leading up to marriage, just the perception that
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  Speaker 2: you're soon to be marriage partner is less committed than
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  Speaker 2: you are, even a little bit. It's one of the
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  Speaker 2: biggest predictors of unhappiness in marriage. I think that's enormous.
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  Speaker 2: And so what we're talking about here is this thing
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  Speaker 2: called asymmetrical commitment. It's when we've got different levels of
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  Speaker 2: commitment on either side of the partnership. If you want
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  Speaker 2: to have a great relationship, understand what it means to
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  Speaker 2: be committed, Understand what your expectations are to demonstrate commitment.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, we talked on Friday, Kylie about how and
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  Speaker 2: I'll do be it tomorrow. How last Monday, my level
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  Speaker 2: of commitment to Halloween was lower than my level of
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  Speaker 2: commitment to getting my bike fixed. But that doesn't lead
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  Speaker 2: you to question my commitment to you, or to our family,
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  Speaker 2: or to our relationship. You just recognize that my values
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  Speaker 2: aren't the same as yours. And while you were doing
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  Speaker 2: all the hard work during the day, you knew that
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  Speaker 2: I was going to be there and do it in
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  Speaker 2: the afternoon. I was still committed, but there are other
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  Speaker 2: priorities and other factors that were impacting our day. You're
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  Speaker 2: looking at me strangely like maybe you questioned my commitment
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  Speaker 2: last night.
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  Speaker 3: Not at all. I was actually going to suggest that
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  Speaker 3: I did give you a bit of a hard time
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  Speaker 3: on Friday, But the reality was, I continue to love
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  Speaker 3: the dynamic that you and I have. Decorating is actually
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: something that I really enjoy doing, and I take it. Oh.
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  Speaker 3: I get a lot of joy out of doing it.
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  Speaker 3: But I also had an afternoon of fearing kids to
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: and from activities, and I wasn't actually sure how we
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: were going to do it. We just knew we wanted
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: to do it, and we wanted to be part of
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: a community. And you were able to come in and
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: just take over and do such an amazing job, and
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: the fact that we had so many people show up,
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: everybody said that ours was the house to be out,
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: even without three rubbish bins.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: If you miss the story and you're only just catching
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: up with this podcast, go back and listen to I'll
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: Do about It Tomorrow on Friday, a couple of days ago,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: because you get the whole story there. I think we
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: need to move to a take home message out of
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: this study, though, because it really is so important. What
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  Speaker 2: we're talking about here is if you want to have
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  Speaker 2: high levels of relationship satisfaction, work on the dynamic between
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: the two of you. I mean, we're assuming that because
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: you're in a family context, you're probably not dating. It's
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: probably not young adulthood for people who are listening to
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: this podcast. So if you're in a couple relationship and
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: you want to make your relationship stronger, to make it
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: as good as you can, don't worry about personality differences,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: don't worry about education differences, don't worry about political differences,
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: don't even worry about parenting differences. Focus instead on what
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: you can do to make the dynamic between the two
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: of you as good as it can be. And that
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: might mean looking for different ways that you can listen better,
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: or be more emotionally supportive, or just smile more or
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: joke around, have fun. Find the way to interact and
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: engage with your marriage, partner or your life partner in
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: a way that satisfies them and puts their mind of ease,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: that shows them that you are satisfied in the relationship,
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  Speaker 2: and that you are committed to the relationship, and that
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  Speaker 2: you're grateful. Do those things, watch what happens to the relationship.
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  Speaker 3: I think the only thing that I would add to
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  Speaker 3: this conversation is in my personal experience. What I have
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  Speaker 3: recognized in myself over the years is that often my
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  Speaker 3: perception is very skewed, and it's skewed because of my
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: own personal experiences as a child and growing up in
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: a totally different environment and family value system, coming into
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: our family situation, recognizing that I brought a lot of
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: baggage into the relationship and as a result, actually labeled
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: you with a lot of those things that carried over
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  Speaker 3: from my birth family, and yet you were so far
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  Speaker 3: removed from that personal history of my own. Yeah, and
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  Speaker 3: it's taken you and I years to kind of work
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  Speaker 3: through the dynamic that that has created, not.
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  Speaker 2: Just years years of intentional effort, years of really trying
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  Speaker 2: to modify, adjust that dynamic so that it feels good
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  Speaker 2: for both of us. I love the dynamic between the
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: two of us, So we really hope that this has
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: been a useful podcast for you if you want to
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: strengthen your relationship with your significant other. We will link
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: to that study if you're inclined to have a look
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: at the science behind it, as well as some of
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: the other research we've talked about in today's podcast in
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: our show notes. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer,
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: and if you'd like more to make your family happier,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: please join us at Happy families dot com dot aun