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Can a Single Pastor Date in His Church? · Pastor John Piper's answers

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  Speaker 1: Well, it's been almost three years since our last episode
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  Speaker 1: on dating, Pastor John, you briefly mentioned dating in a
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  Speaker 1: couple of episodes since, but no episodes devoted to the
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  Speaker 1: topic for a long time. Our longest drought ever for
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  Speaker 1: such a major theme of the podcast, which you can
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  Speaker 1: begin to appreciate by scanning my digest of all those
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  Speaker 1: many episodes in the APG book, I titled that section
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  Speaker 1: on dating, romance, idols and fornication, which is pages one
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  Speaker 1: one sixty five. Much has been said already, but not everything, No,
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  Speaker 1: because you all surprise us with great questions like this
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  Speaker 1: one today. Can a single pastor date within his local church?
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  Speaker 1: Should he? And why wouldn't he? Here's the email Pastor John. Hello,
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  Speaker 1: I'm a twenty three year old pastoral intern and mdiv's
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  Speaker 1: student preparing to enter full time ministry soon, sooner than
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  Speaker 1: I expected. I am a single man and find it
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  Speaker 1: challenging to date while being on this pastoral track. First,
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  Speaker 1: I find many young women intimidated by the stereotypes of
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  Speaker 1: the pastor's wife, stewarding a meeker income, maintaining a pristine
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  Speaker 1: public image, administering to the women in the church, all
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  Speaker 1: lofty callings Second, due to the busy amount of work
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  Speaker 1: in school, I meet very few women outside of my church. Third,
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  Speaker 1: I hesitate to date inside my church due to my
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  Speaker 1: position on the pastoral team. What's your advice for someone
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  Speaker 1: in my situation? Is it appropriate for pastors to use
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  Speaker 1: dating apps? And if this is even remotely possible, how
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  Speaker 1: would a pastor wisely date within his own church. The
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  Speaker 1: closer I get to becoming a pastor, the smaller the
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  Speaker 1: possibility of marriage appears. To me, your wisdom and encouragement
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  Speaker 1: would be greatly appreciated.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just smiling here because I think ninety five percent
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  Speaker 2: of our listeners are not in this category. Yeah, of
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  Speaker 2: being a pastor or almost pastor who would like help
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  Speaker 2: in finding a wife. But I'm betting ninety percent of
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  Speaker 2: them are not going to turn this off exactly. They
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  Speaker 2: wonder what is pastor John I'm gonna say, exactly, and
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  Speaker 2: so I'm wondering that too. Only I get a chance
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  Speaker 2: to turn this off and think about it. I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to focus on the young pastor himself, not just the
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  Speaker 2: seminary student or the apprentice. I know that's where he is,
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  Speaker 2: But I think what I say about I'm just thinking
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  Speaker 2: about a young pastor. You know, he comes right in.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe he's an associate or a youth pastor, or maybe
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  Speaker 2: he's the senior pastor at age twenty seven or eight,
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  Speaker 2: and he's single and he'd like to be married. What
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  Speaker 2: do I have to say to him? And I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to start and end with the glorious truth of God's
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  Speaker 2: mysterious providence. There are two mysteries of God's providence that
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  Speaker 2: I never cease to be amazed at. I mean, I'm
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  Speaker 2: amazed at all of them, but these two just blow
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  Speaker 2: me away. One is the mystery of how God, in
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  Speaker 2: his providence calls people into full time vocational Christian service
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  Speaker 2: in the church or on the mission field. How does
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  Speaker 2: that happen? This strikes me as astonishing and glorious. You know,
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  Speaker 2: one year, here's a person studying in school, maybe a
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  Speaker 2: junior senior, or maybe high school, or maybe serving in
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  Speaker 2: a trade or a profession selling shoes, for example, like
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  Speaker 2: one of our missionaries did. And then ten years later,
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  Speaker 2: there they are a devoted, full time, lifelong missionary in
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  Speaker 2: a distant, hard place. How in the world did that happen?
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  Speaker 2: What did God do to make that happen? The other
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  Speaker 2: mystery is how God, in his providence, brings a man
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  Speaker 2: and a woman together from who knows where, thousand miles
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  Speaker 2: apart ten thousand in such a way that they come
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  Speaker 2: to know each other, trust each other, love each other
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  Speaker 2: so deeply they get married and live together for sixty years.
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  Speaker 2: I look back on how I came to meet and
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  Speaker 2: fall in love with Noel, my wife, as a totally unexpected, undeserved,
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  Speaker 2: inexplicable gift of providence. So that's where I'm starting, And
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  Speaker 2: I just want to say to young pastors, single pastors,
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  Speaker 2: believe that believe in the providence of God. He is
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  Speaker 2: up to something. Yes, he is in ways you can't
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  Speaker 2: even see. The next thing I would say to this
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  Speaker 2: young pastor or aspiring pastor is that if a woman
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  Speaker 2: is put off by the thought of being a part
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  Speaker 2: of your full time ministry, she's not the right woman.
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  Speaker 2: You want a woman who will not just tolerate your calling,
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  Speaker 2: your burden, your passion, your risks in ministry, but a
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  Speaker 2: woman who loves the thought of throwing her life into
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  Speaker 2: that with you. This is what God has been making
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  Speaker 2: her to be. She wants to share that kind of
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  Speaker 2: life walking on the edge of eternity with all of
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  Speaker 2: his difficulties and risks and challenges, and you can believe,
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  Speaker 2: Yes you can. God is raising up many such women
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  Speaker 2: in our day. He's always been doing this. Women who
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  Speaker 2: want to find and be found by a trustworthy, strong,
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  Speaker 2: kind lover of God who wants to live his life
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  Speaker 2: radically in the service of Christ. That's what they want.
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  Speaker 2: She's been dreaming about this. She wants to live that
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  Speaker 2: kind of life herself, and she would love to do
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  Speaker 2: it with a like minded husband. Believe that, Wait for that,
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  Speaker 2: she's out there. Third thing I would say is be
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  Speaker 2: realistic and mature and candid with your fellow church leaders,
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  Speaker 2: the older, mature, trusted fellow pastors or lay people. Tell
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  Speaker 2: them how you're thinking, how you're feeling, how you're hoping,
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  Speaker 2: and ask them to partner with you in praying and
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  Speaker 2: working toward a happy outcome of finding God's woman for you. Now,
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  Speaker 2: if this sounds pragmatic rather than romantic, it is finding
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  Speaker 2: a compatible Christian spouse ought to be a practical community
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  Speaker 2: project involving family and church, not a secretive, solitary quest.
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  Speaker 2: We just get over that. That's not the way you
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  Speaker 2: need to think about it. When I say ask for
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  Speaker 2: their help. I mean ask them first to pray. Oh
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  Speaker 2: my goodness, I have prayed over the last fifty years.
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  Speaker 2: I have prayed specifically with many young men, especially, they're
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  Speaker 2: the ones who feel most free. I think to come
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  Speaker 2: forward after a service and tell me I want to
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  Speaker 2: be married. Would you pray with me? And I prayed
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  Speaker 2: with him. All the ones I can remember are married.
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  Speaker 2: There's no shame in this to go to a friend
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  Speaker 2: or a pastor and say, pray that God would lead
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  Speaker 2: me to the woman that I could spend my life with.
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  Speaker 2: And besides prayer, I mean ask your leaders for their counsel,
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  Speaker 2: ask them to keep their eyes open in regards to
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  Speaker 2: their near and far networks. My wife kept her eyes
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  Speaker 2: open at our church for husbands, for example, for her sisters,
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  Speaker 2: and she introduced three of her sisters to the men
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  Speaker 2: they married at our church. And she did it very intentionally. Wow,
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  Speaker 2: this was quite intentional. Yes, it can be awkward, but
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  Speaker 2: it can be glorious. It can be glorious. Be a mature,
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  Speaker 2: confident young man. This will not be your last brush
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  Speaker 2: with awkwardness. To grow up, you know, put your big
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  Speaker 2: boy pants on and be confident that these folks are
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  Speaker 2: for you and can help you in this process. Fourth
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  Speaker 2: thing I would say is I'm not opposed in principle
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  Speaker 2: to dating apps. How you go about meeting a person
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  Speaker 2: is not nearly as crucial as how you go about
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  Speaker 2: discerning that person's character. That's another challenge, and it's not
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  Speaker 2: going to happen on an app. But I would offer
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  Speaker 2: this caution. It seems to me that a pastor is
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  Speaker 2: a fairly public person and the secrecy surrounding the use
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  Speaker 2: of dating apps could tarnish your reputation as one who
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  Speaker 2: wants to be totally candid with his church and especially
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  Speaker 2: with his leaders. Now that's not a veto. I don't
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  Speaker 2: have a veto vote here against dating apps, but it
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  Speaker 2: is a caution. I would give preference to the open
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  Speaker 2: networks that you have rather than two secret ones. The
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  Speaker 2: fifth thing I would say is pursue various ministry ventures,
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  Speaker 2: like short term mission trips. You might lead them or
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  Speaker 2: just go on them, or mercy ministry ventures. Hurricane in
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  Speaker 2: New Orleans and your church packs a bus full and
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  Speaker 2: goes down to help sandbags up or rescue houses, or
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  Speaker 2: educational tours where the nature of the venture might be
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  Speaker 2: self selecting. In all these ministries that you go on,
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  Speaker 2: they might be self selecting for the kind of woman
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  Speaker 2: that would go on it too. Lots of couples meet
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  Speaker 2: because they followed their ministry heart on some venture and
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  Speaker 2: discovered each other in the process. And finally, I would
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  Speaker 2: return to God's mysterious and wonderful providence. I have seen
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  Speaker 2: God lead two people together in the most unlikely ways.
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  Speaker 2: For example, two people at our church, both wanted to
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  Speaker 2: be in missions, both single, both wanted to be married,
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  Speaker 2: didn't know each other. They surrendered. They just said, okay,
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  Speaker 2: it's over, we probably won't get married, gave themselves utterly
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  Speaker 2: to the mission. Both of them were sent by various missions,
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  Speaker 2: posted to one of the hardest places on the globe.
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  Speaker 2: And guess what they discovered each other there after. They
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  Speaker 2: had basically surrendered and said, well, didn't happen at home,
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  Speaker 2: it's you're not going to happen on the mission field.
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  Speaker 2: And that was not true. So trust God's mysterious providence,
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  Speaker 2: Focus on doing your ministry with all your might, walk
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  Speaker 2: through the doors he puts in front of you, pray
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  Speaker 2: without ceasing, and trust God's good timing.
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  Speaker 1: Here's the app we need you upload your profile, John
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  Speaker 1: Piper prays for you for your future marriage, and then
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  Speaker 1: Noel Piper matches the profiles. Tell me that would not
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  Speaker 1: be the hottest dating app in the person world.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think I could do that enough often enough.
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  Speaker 2: I wouldn't have anything any time left.
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  Speaker 1: Oh you do, Oh, Pastor John, Thank you appreciate it.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us today. Pastor John cannot arrange
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  Speaker 1: your marriage, but he can't answer any questions you might
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  Speaker 1: have about dating and marriage. Ask Pastor John. Email us
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  Speaker 1: at ask Pastor John at Desiring Good dot org. But
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  Speaker 1: are there any remaining questions on dating to ask? I
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  Speaker 1: don't know. You tell us after you look at the
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  Speaker 1: archive and ask Pastor John. And all of that I
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  Speaker 1: tried to summarize for you in the APJ book in
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  Speaker 1: that section titled on Dating, Romance, Idols and Fornication, pages
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  Speaker 1: one forty one to one sixty five in the APJ Book,
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  Speaker 1: A one of kind wealth of pastoral leadership on dating.
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  Speaker 1: Here on the podcast that you're going to find in
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  Speaker 1: the archive, make good use of it. I'm Tony Ranky,
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  Speaker 1: Pastor John, and I will see you again on Monday