Latest / The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast / 321. The Future You Wanted Isn’t Happening. Now What? | Finding the Advantage

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321. The Future You Wanted Isn’t Happening. Now What? | Finding the Advantage · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Kathie (2): They were shooting doves in my dream, and I wanted them to stop.
• 0:05
  Kathie (2): That's probably one of the strangest ways I've ever started an episode, but stay with me.
• 0:10
  Kathie (2): It's dove season here in Texas.
• 0:12
  Kathie (2): I have friends who hunt.
• 0:14
  Kathie (2): I had seen people talking about dove hunting over the weekend, so my mind certainly had plenty of information to work with.
• 0:23
  Kathie (2): But in my dream, I was actually watching the hunters shoot the doves, and I felt grief.
• 0:31
  Kathie (2): Not fear, not anger, grief.
• 0:34
  Kathie (2): I remember thinking,"Turn it off.
• 0:36
  Kathie (2): I don't wanna watch this." And when I woke up, I kept wondering why had it affected me so deeply.
• 0:43
  Kathie (2): And then I remembered something.
• 0:45
  Kathie (2): Doves mate for life.
• 0:48
  Kathie (2): Suddenly, I wasn't thinking about hunting anymore.
• 0:51
  Kathie (2): I was thinking about love, attachment, loss.
• 0:55
  Kathie (2): And the grief we experience when something we thought would last doesn't become what we imagined it would become.
• 1:02
  Kathie (2): And that's where today's conversation begins.
• 1:06
  Kathie (2): Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 1:09
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen.
• 1:11
  Kathie (2): I study human patterns under pressure.
• 1:14
  Kathie (2): My work sits at the intersection of human behavior, emotional regulation, leadership, relationships, business, and high stakes transition.
• 1:24
  Kathie (2): I spent years observing what people do when pressure enters the room.
• 1:29
  Kathie (2): Because pressure reveals things.
• 1:31
  Kathie (2): It reveals what we're afraid of losing, it reveals what we're trying to control, it reveals where we're over responsible, and it reveals what we're avoiding.
• 1:42
  Kathie (2): And very often it reveals what we are attached to.
• 1:47
  Kathie (2): That's why I've been thinking so much lately about grief, non-attachment, and a principle from Reality Transurfing called advantage.
• 1:57
  Kathie (2): Because I don't think grief and advantage cancel each other out.
• 2:02
  Kathie (2): I think they can exist in the same room.
• 2:05
  Kathie (2): Sometimes we aren't grieving only what happened, we're grieving what we thought was going to happen.
• 2:12
  Kathie (2): Think about that.
• 2:13
  Kathie (2): The relationship may still exist, the company may still exist, the job may still exist, the family may still exist, but something about the future you imagined has changed, and that can create very real grief.
• 2:29
  Kathie (2): I've experienced this myself.
• 2:32
  Kathie (2): There have been relationships in my life that did not become what I imagined they would become, and I can grieve that.
• 2:38
  Kathie (2): I don't need to pretend it doesn't hurt.
• 2:40
  Kathie (2): I don't need to turn it into a spiritual lesson before I'm ready, and I certainly don't need to call it good.
• 2:48
  Kathie (2): That is non-attachment.
• 2:50
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment is not indifference.
• 2:53
  Kathie (2): It's not I don't care.
• 2:55
  Kathie (2): It's I care deeply, but I'm no longer going to require reality to become what I expected it to become.
• 3:03
  Kathie (2): That's very different because sometimes the thing we're most attached to isn't even the person.
• 3:11
  Kathie (2): It's the future we built around the person, or the company, or the career, or the deal, or the opportunity.
• 3:19
  Kathie (2): We created a picture, and somewhere along the way, that picture quietly became an expectation.
• 3:27
  Kathie (2): Then expectation became certainty, and when reality didn't cooperate, we suffered, not only because something changed, but because reality violated the future we had already written.
• 3:43
  Kathie (2): That's where non-attachment starts opening something.
• 3:47
  Kathie (2): Not because it takes away the grief, because it widens the field again, and that's where advantage comes in.
• 3:54
  Kathie (2): Advantage is something I learned through reality transurfing, but I wanna make a very important distinction.
• 4:02
  Kathie (2): Finding advantage does not mean saying,"This terrible thing happened, so let me find something positive about it." That's not what I'm talking about.
• 4:12
  Kathie (2): You don't have to call the painful thing good.
• 4:15
  Kathie (2): You don't have to be grateful for betrayal.
• 4:18
  Kathie (2): You don't have to celebrate a failed deal.
• 4:21
  Kathie (2): You don't have to pretend losing something doesn't hurt.
• 4:24
  Kathie (2): You don't even have to know what the advantage is yet.
• 4:29
  Kathie (2): Advantage begins with something much simpler.
• 4:33
  Kathie (2): This is what is here.
• 4:35
  Kathie (2): Not what I wanted to be here, not what I thought would be here, not what should have been here.
• 4:43
  Kathie (2): There's that word.
• 4:44
  Kathie (2): And once I stop fighting that fact, I can ask, what can I see now that I couldn't have seen before?
• 4:52
  Kathie (2): Because sometimes the advantage isn't in what happened.
• 4:56
  Kathie (2): Sometimes the advantage is in what happened to your vision.
• 5:00
  Kathie (2): Suddenly you can see.
• 5:02
  Kathie (2): You see the pattern, you see the weakness, you see the relationship differently, you see the assumption you had been making.
• 5:08
  Kathie (2): You see where you had been over-functioning.
• 5:11
  Kathie (2): You see what you've been tolerating.
• 5:13
  Kathie (2): You see what you value.
• 5:14
  Kathie (2): You see what you don't want anymore.
• 5:17
  Kathie (2): You see where your energy has been going.
• 5:19
  Kathie (2): And that last one matters.
• 5:22
  Kathie (2): Because where your attention goes, your energy follows.
• 5:27
  Kathie (2): Pay attention to what happens when you're scared.
• 5:30
  Kathie (2): Your mind starts scanning.
• 5:31
  Kathie (2): What if this happens?
• 5:32
  Kathie (2): What if that happens?
• 5:34
  Kathie (2): What if I don't have enough money?
• 5:36
  Kathie (2): What if the deal falls apart?
• 5:37
  Kathie (2): What if they leave?
• 5:38
  Kathie (2): What if they don't call?
• 5:40
  Kathie (2): What if the company fails?
• 5:41
  Kathie (2): What if I made the wrong decision?
• 5:44
  Kathie (2): What if this never changes?
• 5:46
  Kathie (2): And now look where your attention went.
• 5:49
  Kathie (2): It left the present moment, it left the information you actually have, and it moved into a future your mind created.
• 5:57
  Kathie (2): Then your body starts responding to that imagined future as though it's happening right now.
• 6:03
  Kathie (2): That's one of the reasons attention matters so much to me.
• 6:07
  Kathie (2): Your attention is valuable.
• 6:09
  Kathie (2): I don't want to hand mine over casually, not to fear, not to someone else's drama, not to every headline, not to every opinion, not to uncertainty, and especially not to a story I cannot prove.
• 6:25
  Kathie (2): That doesn't mean I refuse to look at difficult things.
• 6:28
  Kathie (2): Quite the opposite.
• 6:30
  Kathie (2): I want to look clearly.
• 6:31
  Kathie (2): But looking clearly and staring compulsively are not the same thing.
• 6:36
  Kathie (2): That's a distinction I've had to learn.
• 6:39
  Kathie (2): I can acknowledge something without feeding it all day.
• 6:43
  Kathie (2): I can notice fear without building my home inside of it.
• 6:47
  Kathie (2): I can experience uncertainty without spending six hours predicting what uncertainty means.
• 6:55
  Kathie (2): I can recognize someone's behavior without creating an entire courtroom in my mind about their intentions.
• 7:02
  Kathie (2): I can grieve without making grief my identity.
• 7:06
  Kathie (2): That's where attention becomes power, because when I take my attention back, I get some of my energy back too, and with that energy comes choice.
• 7:18
  Kathie (2): There was another scene in that same dream.
• 7:21
  Kathie (2): Someone started talking about politics, and I stopped her.
• 7:24
  Kathie (2): I basically said,"This isn't the time or place." I didn't argue with her.
• 7:29
  Kathie (2): I didn't need to convince her that I was right.
• 7:31
  Kathie (2): I didn't need to hear enough of the story so I could form an opinion.
• 7:35
  Kathie (2): I simply didn't want to participate.
• 7:40
  Kathie (2): And when I thought about that scene later, I realized how closely it fit with the doves.
• 7:46
  Kathie (2): In both scenes, something was asking for my attention, and I said no.
• 7:51
  Kathie (2): That's a boundary, and I think sometimes we underestimate how important boundaries around attention really are.
• 8:00
  Kathie (2): Not everything deserves access to your mind.
• 8:03
  Kathie (2): Not every conversation needs your participation.
• 8:07
  Kathie (2): Not every crisis requires your emotional energy.
• 8:12
  Kathie (2): Not every opinion needs a response, and not every piece of information is useful simply because it's true.
• 8:21
  Kathie (2): And not every uncomfortable thing needs to be studied for another three hours.
• 8:28
  Kathie (2): We can acknowledge reality and still decide where we place our attention next.
• 8:34
  Kathie (2): The question is, am I looking away because I don't wanna face reality?
• 8:39
  Kathie (2): That's avoidance.
• 8:41
  Kathie (2): Or have I faced what is here, and now I'm consciously choosing where my attention goes?
• 8:48
  Kathie (2): That is discernment.
• 8:51
  Kathie (2): There is a huge difference.
• 8:53
  Kathie (2): Now, take that into business.
• 8:56
  Kathie (2): Imagine a founder who has spent 30 or 40 years building a company.
• 9:00
  Kathie (2): Everybody around the transaction sees financial statements, valuation, legal documents, integration plans, timelines, but the founder may see something completely different: identity, legacy, sacrifice, family, proof.
• 9:19
  Kathie (2): Maybe her name is on the building.
• 9:21
  Kathie (2): Maybe she built the company when nobody believed she could.
• 9:24
  Kathie (2): Maybe she sacrificed birthdays and vacations and sleep to keep it alive.
• 9:29
  Kathie (2): And now someone walks into a conference room and starts talking about what happens after closing.
• 9:36
  Kathie (2): Leadership changes, governance changes, culture changes, maybe even the company name changes.
• 9:43
  Kathie (2): Suddenly, she becomes difficult.
• 9:45
  Kathie (2): She starts controlling things.
• 9:47
  Kathie (2): She questions decisions she's already approved.
• 9:50
  Kathie (2): She criticizes people.
• 9:52
  Kathie (2): She withdraws.
• 9:53
  Kathie (2): She micromanages.
• 9:54
  Kathie (2): Everybody starts asking,"What is wrong with her?" I would ask a different question.
• 10:00
  Kathie (2): "What is she grieving?" Because grief doesn't always look like sadness.
• 10:05
  Kathie (2): Under pressure, grief can look like control.
• 10:08
  Kathie (2): It can look like criticism.
• 10:09
  Kathie (2): It can look like withdrawal.
• 10:11
  Kathie (2): It can look like perfectionism.
• 10:13
  Kathie (2): It can look like over-responsibility.
• 10:15
  Kathie (2): It can look like people-pleasing.
• 10:17
  Kathie (2): It can look like avoidance.
• 10:19
  Kathie (2): That's human patterns under pressure, and those patterns don't stay contained inside one person.
• 10:27
  Kathie (2): They move through the company.
• 10:29
  Kathie (2): They affect trust.
• 10:31
  Kathie (2): They affect communication.
• 10:32
  Kathie (2): They affect decision-making.
• 10:34
  Kathie (2): They affect integration, and eventually they can affect enterprise value.
• 10:40
  Kathie (2): That's why human diligence matters.
• 10:43
  Kathie (2): Financial diligence can tell you what happened inside the company.
• 10:47
  Kathie (2): Human diligence helps you understand what may happen when these people are placed under a kind of pressure they'd never experienced before.
• 10:56
  Kathie (2): And here's the advantage question.
• 10:59
  Kathie (2): What is this behavior revealing?
• 11:01
  Kathie (2): Maybe we're discovering that the company depends far more heavily on the founder than anyone realized.
• 11:08
  Kathie (2): Maybe we're discovering hidden loyalty structures.
• 11:11
  Kathie (2): Maybe two executives who looked aligned have never trusted each other.
• 11:16
  Kathie (2): Maybe nobody knows how to make a decision without one person in the room.
• 11:21
  Kathie (2): Maybe the culture everybody thought was strong was actually being held together by one personality.
• 11:29
  Kathie (2): The conflict isn't necessarily the advantage.
• 11:33
  Kathie (2): The information is.
• 11:34
  Kathie (2): Now we can see something, and once we can see it, we have choices we didn't have before.
• 11:41
  Kathie (2): Relationships are no different.
• 11:43
  Kathie (2): Something changes, someone pulls away, a dynamic becomes clearer.
• 11:47
  Kathie (2): Something you hoped would eventually happen never happens, and the mind immediately wants to repair the original picture.
• 11:55
  Kathie (2): How do I get this back?
• 11:57
  Kathie (2): How do I make them understand?
• 11:59
  Kathie (2): How do I get them to change?
• 12:01
  Kathie (2): How do I make this become what I always believed it would become?
• 12:05
  Kathie (2): And sometimes we spend years trying to repair an imagined future instead of observing the relationship that's actually in front of us.
• 12:14
  Kathie (2): That's painful to admit.
• 12:16
  Kathie (2): I've had to admit it myself.
• 12:19
  Kathie (2): Sometimes we are not grieving the relationship we lost.
• 12:22
  Kathie (2): We're grieving the relationship we kept waiting for, and that's where my three principles become very practical.
• 12:31
  Kathie (2): Radical responsibility asks,"Can I see what is actually here?" Not what I wish were here, not what someone could become, not what might happen someday.
• 12:43
  Kathie (2): What is here.
• 12:45
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment asks,"Can I allow what is here to exist without trying to control it into something else?" And courage asks,"Can I make my next choice based on what I can actually see?" That's where things begin to change, because now I'm not spending all my energy trying to move someone else's chess piece.
• 13:07
  Kathie (2): I'm looking at my own, and maybe that's what affected me so much about those doves.
• 13:15
  Kathie (2): I knew doves mate for life.
• 13:17
  Kathie (2): There was something about seeing that bond interrupted that touched something in me.
• 13:22
  Kathie (2): I don't know exactly what the dream meant, and I don't need to know.
• 13:27
  Kathie (2): That's important.
• 13:29
  Kathie (2): I'm not gonna take a dream and turn it into evidence.
• 13:32
  Kathie (2): I'm simply observing what it brought up in me.
• 13:36
  Kathie (2): It brought up grief, it brought up attachment, it brought up love, and strangely enough, it brought up choice.
• 13:43
  Kathie (2): Because in the dream, I didn't stop caring about the dove.
• 13:47
  Kathie (2): I simply said,"I don't want to keep watching this." That's not indifference.
• 13:53
  Kathie (2): That's not denial.
• 13:55
  Kathie (2): That's not pretending something painful didn't happen.
• 13:58
  Kathie (2): Sometimes non-attachment sounds like,"This hurts me, I care deeply, and I still get to decide where my attention goes next." Maybe that's the first advantage, not the lesson, not the replacement, not the better outcome, just getting your attention back.
• 14:17
  Kathie (2): Because when your attention is trapped in what should have happened, there's that word, you have very little attention left for what is actually happening, and when your attention is trapped in fear about what might happen, you have very little attention left for what you can do right now.
• 14:39
  Kathie (2): This is why I love the idea of the space of variations in reality transurfing.
• 14:45
  Kathie (2): The future you imagine was one possibility.
• 14:49
  Kathie (2): One.
• 14:51
  Kathie (2): Maybe it was beautiful.
• 14:52
  Kathie (2): Maybe you wanted it badly.
• 14:54
  Kathie (2): Maybe you still wish it had happened.
• 14:56
  Kathie (2): You don't have to amputate that desire.
• 14:59
  Kathie (2): But desire doesn't have to become certainty, and certainty doesn't have to become control because the moment you decide it has to happen this way, your field of vision starts shrinking.
• 15:13
  Kathie (2): You stare at outcome A, meanwhile B is over here, C is over there, there's D, there's E.
• 15:22
  Kathie (2): There's an opportunity you haven't noticed.
• 15:25
  Kathie (2): There's information you haven't considered.
• 15:29
  Kathie (2): There's a conversation you haven't had.
• 15:33
  Kathie (2): There's a door you did not know existed.
• 15:37
  Kathie (2): There's a version of your life you couldn't imagine because you were too busy trying to save the one you had already written.
• 15:45
  Kathie (2): Non-attachment widens the field, and advantage asks you to look around, not necessarily today, not while you're on the floor grieving.
• 15:55
  Kathie (2): There's no deadline.
• 15:57
  Kathie (2): Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is,"I don't know what the advantage is yet.
• 16:03
  Kathie (2): I don't know what happens next.
• 16:06
  Kathie (2): I don't know what this means, but I'm not gonna force the old outcome back into place simply because uncertainty makes me uncomfortable.
• 16:16
  Kathie (2): I'm gonna stay awake.
• 16:18
  Kathie (2): I'm gonna pay attention.
• 16:19
  Kathie (2): I'm gonna notice what this reveals, and I'm going to be careful about where I send my energy because my attention is one of the most valuable things I have." And that's really why people come to me for so many different kinds of consulting.
• 16:37
  Kathie (2): Human patterns under pressure are everywhere.
• 16:41
  Kathie (2): They're in mergers and acquisitions.
• 16:43
  Kathie (2): They're in founder transitions.
• 16:44
  Kathie (2): They're in leadership teams.
• 16:46
  Kathie (2): They are in careers.
• 16:47
  Kathie (2): They are in business decisions.
• 16:49
  Kathie (2): They are in relationships.
• 16:52
  Kathie (2): They are in families.
• 16:54
  Kathie (2): They are in personal transitions.
• 16:58
  Kathie (2): They're in the moments when you know something has changed, but you don't know what you're supposed to do next.
• 17:05
  Kathie (2): Sometimes you don't need someone to hand you an answer.
• 17:08
  Kathie (2): Sometimes you need another observer, someone who isn't inside the emotional weather with you, someone c- who can help you notice your attention keeps going over here.
• 17:19
  Kathie (2): You keep trying to solve this person's behavior.
• 17:22
  Kathie (2): You keep predicting something you cannot know.
• 17:25
  Kathie (2): You keep trying to resurrect an outcome that reality may be asking you to release.
• 17:32
  Kathie (2): What happens if we pull your attention back?
• 17:35
  Kathie (2): What do you actually know?
• 17:36
  Kathie (2): What pattern is here?
• 17:38
  Kathie (2): What becomes available from this position?
• 17:42
  Kathie (2): That's often where my consulting begins, with a conversation.
• 17:47
  Kathie (2): So if you're listening to this and something came to mind, a business situation, a transition, a relationship, a leadership problem, a decision, or something you can't quite name, I invite you to have a conversation with me.
• 18:02
  Kathie (2): You don't need to figure out which box you fit into first.
• 18:06
  Kathie (2): That's the point of the conversation.
• 18:09
  Kathie (2): We'll look at what's happening.
• 18:10
  Kathie (2): We'll look at the patterns.
• 18:11
  Kathie (2): We'll look at where the pressure is.
• 18:14
  Kathie (2): We'll look at where your attention and energy are going, and we'll determine whether I can be of service.
• 18:21
  Kathie (2): I've also created a companion blog post for this episode.
• 18:24
  Kathie (2): I always do that.
• 18:26
  Kathie (2): This article includes the video, the podcast episode, bonus resources to help you explore reality transurfing, non-attachment, emotional regulation, and human patterns under pressure more deeply.
• 18:40
  Kathie (2): You'll find that link with this episode.
• 18:43
  Kathie (2): And I'll leave you with this.
• 18:46
  Kathie (2): You can grieve the future you wanted.
• 18:48
  Kathie (2): You can wish things had happened differently.
• 18:51
  Kathie (2): You can love the dove.
• 18:53
  Kathie (2): You can hate what happened to it, and you can still lift your eyes because the advantage may not be in what happened.
• 19:02
  Kathie (2): The advantage may be in what you can finally see because it happened.
• 19:08
  Kathie (2): And sometimes the very first thing you see is where you want your attention to go next.
• 19:14
  Kathie (2): All right.
• 19:14
  Kathie (2): Thank you for listening to The Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 19:18
  Kathie (2): My name is Kathie Owen.
• 19:20
  Kathie (2): I trust you found it helpful.
• 19:22
  Kathie (2): And I'll see you in the next episode.