Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Maybe It Doesn’t All Have to Be Fixed | Ep. 216

Transcript

Maybe It Doesn’t All Have to Be Fixed | Ep. 216 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:00
  Kyla: I think fear comes across in my parenting and my life in the form of control.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: Most of us know that moment when the grocery sacks are cutting into your fingers, but you're already halfway to the house, so you keep going.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: You shift the weight.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: You tell yourself you'll set them down in a minute.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Sometimes parenting feels a little like that.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: This conversation begins there.
• 0:41
  Cheryl: So we're back in here in the recording studio, and we have again a very special quartet.
• 0:48
  Cheryl: We have Kyla Pace and Candice Newport.
• 0:52
  Cheryl: Welcome you all.
• 0:53
  Kyla: Hi.
• 0:53
  Kyla: Hi.
• 0:54
  Cheryl: It's great to be here.
• 0:54
  Cheryl: And our
• 0:55
  Carol: fourth Person, we're very thankful, is keeping their voice quiet.
• 1:00
  Carol: We have three-month-old Winnie in here.
• 1:03
  Carol: Sweet
• 1:03
  Kyla: Winnie.
• 1:03
  Kyla: She's far away.
• 1:04
  Cheryl: Candice's little girl, and she's joined us, but she is, uh, relaxing right now.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: Yeah
• 1:11
  Kyla: I'm distracted in a good way.
• 1:13
  Kyla: Oh.
• 1:13
  Kyla: She's so cute.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: She is adorable, and she was being so cute a while ago, we didn't know if we'd be able to even talk- so how are you all doing?
• 1:22
  Kyla: Yeah, good.
• 1:23
  Kyla: We're
• 1:23
  Candace: great.
• 1:23
  Candace: Yeah.
• 1:24
  Candace: Good
• 1:24
  Kyla: to be here.
• 1:24
  Kyla: Excited to be
• 1:24
  Candace: here on a Tuesday just-
• 1:26
  Kyla: Yeah
• 1:27
  Candace: enjoying our quiet moment.
• 1:29
  Kyla: I know.
• 1:29
  Kyla: I've enjoyed getting to know Candice.
• 1:31
  Kyla: Yeah,
• 1:31
  Candace: it's been fun.
• 1:32
  Candace: Awesome.
• 1:32
  Candace: We both know each other from the podcast, but- Right we've never been in the same room together.
• 1:36
  Candace: Yeah.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: So it's fun.
• 1:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:37
  Cheryl: And as y'all know, Christie has stepped away from the mic for a little bit here.
• 1:40
  Kyla: Mm.
• 1:41
  Kyla: We miss you, Christie.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: Oh, we do.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: So last time y'all were here, we were processing the messiness of being parents- Mm right?
• 1:49
  Kyla: Yes.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:51
  Carol: I just wanted to get back in here and continue this conversation about this part of parenting, trying to figure this out.
• 2:00
  Carol: So what's something y'all want to talk about today?
• 2:05
  Candace: fear.
• 2:05
  Candace: That was, that was what was
• 2:06
  Cheryl: coming up.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:07
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: So tell me, what are your versions of
• 2:10
  Carol: fear?
• 2:11
  Carol: What does a Candice and a Kyla fear look like?
• 2:14
  Candace: Yeah.
• 2:15
  Candace: Um, I mean, yeah, fear can take on many many shapes and forms, but for me, my biggest struggle with fear is an internal voice.
• 2:23
  Candace: Have I struggled with other ways?
• 2:24
  Candace: Yes.
• 2:24
  Candace: But internal voice, at the end of the day,, did I do enough?
• 2:30
  Candace: Am I making a mistake?
• 2:31
  Candace: Am I gonna ruin my kids?
• 2:33
  Candace: Should I have done it this way?
• 2:35
  Candace: Um, am I missing out on something?
• 2:38
  Candace: Is there something else I should be looking at?
• 2:40
  Candace: Oh.
• 2:40
  Candace: Is there another way I should be going?
• 2:41
  Candace: Oh.
• 2:42
  Candace: I mean, and it's an endless road if you- It's just real endless if you sit there.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: And actually- a lot of the questions you ask in there are the questions we should be asking.
• 2:53
  Candace: Absolutely.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: Not,"Oh, I got this." Self-reflection.
• 2:56
  Candace: Yeah.
• 2:56
  Candace: But- What are we, what's leading- the answer?
• 2:59
  Cheryl: What does
• 2:59
  Carol: fear
• 3:00
  Cheryl: sound like in Kyla's brain?
• 3:02
  Kyla: Well, fear for me, it doesn't present itself so much in worry.
• 3:06
  Kyla: I, I don't think I'm a huge worrier and a what if but I think fear comes across in my parenting and my life in the form of control.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 3:18
  Kyla: Like I-
• 3:18
  Cheryl: How, how?
• 3:19
  Kyla: I want to, to form my world into orderly flow that...
• 3:28
  Kyla: yeah.
• 3:28
  Kyla: I, I think sometimes when my world feels chaotic, instead of embracing the mess, I try, out of a root of fear, to control it.
• 3:40
  Candace: Mm.
• 3:40
  Kyla: To order my world, to order the lives of my children and their choices and their thought processes, and it ultimately undermines the thing that I want, and it makes- Mm people step away from me, and it, it makes everything anxious.
• 3:56
  Candace: Wow.
• 3:57
  Kyla: So good.
• 3:57
  Kyla: So I wouldn't say I'm worrying about it.
• 3:58
  Kyla: I'm just trying to- Mm control things.
• 4:00
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 4:01
  Candace: That's so good.
• 4:01
  Candace: And I could totally see that.
• 4:02
  Candace: I wouldn't have even said that was coming from a place of fear.
• 4:05
  Kyla: Mm.
• 4:05
  Candace: But I can see it.
• 4:06
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 4:07
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 4:07
  Candace: I mean, yeah, when you have control over things, you think- Yeah, I've gotta figure it out."
• 4:12
  Cheryl: process how you are getting to know that the root of that is fear.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: 'Cause again, s- the things we talk about on the surface are really nice good things in parenting.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: We don't want chaos in parenting.
• 4:26
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 4:27
  Kyla: Mm.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: How did you process to get back to realize the root is fear?
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Because the roots are really what's important.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: different people have different strengths and weaknesses, and they manifest different ways Mm-hmm Um, you know, people pleasers manifest
• 4:43
  Carol: one Way.
• 4:44
  Carol: Outright controllers manifest a different way.
• 4:48
  Carol: Escapers manifest a different way.
• 4:51
  Carol: Process a little bit how you got to the point to realize that maybe fear was behind some of these things.
• 4:58
  Kyla: I don't know about globally, but I just know in this current season with parenting my kids, I really am averse to letting them have natural consequences because I'm looking- Mm at that as I need to control their world enough where they don't have the, the opportunity- Yeah to mess up.
• 5:17
  Candace: Yeah.
• 5:18
  Kyla: Um-
• 5:19
  Candace: Cause what are you afraid of there?
• 5:21
  Kyla: Right.
• 5:21
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 5:22
  Kyla: Right.
• 5:22
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 5:23
  Kyla: And then I'm afraid how will this look on me.
• 5:27
  Kyla: Um,
• 5:30
  Candace: it's so good.
• 5:31
  Candace: I mean, I remember having a conversation with Cheryl a long time ago when my firstborn was just a baby- Mm or maybe, maybe two or something, and I said...
• 5:41
  Candace: I just sharing my worries and concerns about raising kids, and you said, So what if she makes the same mistakes you do?
• 5:49
  Candace: Would you want it to be any different?" Like, what did you learn in that?
• 5:52
  Candace: Wow.
• 5:53
  Candace: And that's, that's where the mess is okay, right?
• 5:57
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:58
  Candace: Like, if we want to become, which is the big theme, right?
• 6:02
  Candace: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Candace: We wanna become.
• 6:03
  Candace: If we- If we don't allow that mess-
• 6:08
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 6:08
  Candace: then there's no growth happening.
• 6:10
  Candace: If we don't allow failures, and I'm so afraid because of, it hurts me, and she's the, she's the heart living outside of me, right?
• 6:19
  Yes.
• 6:19
  Candace: And I know that pain, and any, you know, you, you don't want your kids to suffer.
• 6:25
  Kyla: Yeah, like- Okay while I'm pushing my kids away-
• 6:27
  Candace: Yeah
• 6:28
  Kyla: I'm pushing them away by reacting.
• 6:32
  Kyla: I mean, why are you listening to that music?
• 6:35
  Kyla: Mm.
• 6:35
  Kyla: And, you know, what, what are you thinking?
• 6:38
  Kyla: What choices are you making here?
• 6:40
  Candace: How dare you.
• 6:40
  Candace: Yeah.
• 6:40
  Kyla: Like, play this out.
• 6:42
  Kyla: I mean, when I'm reacting, which is coming from a baseline of fear, but it's presenting as control, it's pushing my kids away from me.
• 6:53
  Cheryl: And when you said that, it made me think about what we've talked about whole brain child and all of that that when that amygdala reacts, you know, fear-
• 7:02
  Candace: yeah
• 7:02
  Cheryl: fight or flight, and that fear, then we're reactive emotionally instead of responding.
• 7:09
  Candace: Mm.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 7:10
  Cheryl: And I mean, I, I hear you.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: I did so much what was actually reactive parenting, even though I didn't react out loud- Mm-hmm screaming that much, but the reaction was inside of me.
• 7:24
  Cheryl: Just I didn't want my children to hurt.
• 7:27
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 7:28
  Candace: and that's, that's a fear
• 7:30
  Carol: Yes! and my fear was I don't want them to hurt more, particularly after we lost Bill.
• 7:36
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 7:36
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 7:37
  Cheryl: I go,"Okay, we've all hurt enough." Yeah.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: "I'm done.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: My children don't need to hurt anymore." And so that deep fear in me of trying to protect them from more hurt, and,"Don't make that bad choice.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: Don't do that.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Don't do that.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: We've already hurt enough," and that was where my fear was in there.
• 7:57
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Is, and it was protective-
• 8:00
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 8:00
  Cheryl: which ended up being controlling.
• 8:02
  Kyla: Yes, which ultimately pushes them away from being open to you.
• 8:07
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 8:08
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 8:08
  Kyla: And you're the one that they need to have that open bridge with to communicate.
• 8:12
  Kyla: For
• 8:12
  Cheryl: sure.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: I mean, mine, y'all, they told me years later,"Oh, by the way, we didn't want to even tell you when you responded that way, it hurt us, or you said those things, it hurt us, and we didn't want to tell you'cause we knew you would take all the condemnation from it." Mm-hmm.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: And I would spiral down going,"Oh, I'm a terrible parent.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: I'm ruining you all," and it would just go down- Mm this terrible spiral So then when I heard that from them and I thought,"Oh, I've ruined them in another way." Oh, I was trying to protect them- Yeah from ruining them.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:46
  Cheryl: And instead, my efforts ended up ruining them in a new way I never thought about.
• 8:53
  Candace: Yep.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: And I spiraled down from that.
• 8:56
  Candace: Yeah.
• 8:57
  Candace: So we were, we're talking about internal voice fear- Yeah or things that we're doing.
• 9:02
  Candace: I, I also think there's a big- Fear out there coming from all the external places
• 9:07
  Cheryl: For sure
• 9:07
  Candace: And I think that is a really difficult thing this day and age to navigate, is allowing, allowing those voices not to create fear in you.
• 9:16
  Candace: Maybe educational is good, but at, at some point you have to stop the fear from the outside- Sh- to come into your own life and meet it there How
• 9:26
  Kyla: do you think practically, Candice, I mean,, do you just set maybe some time boundaries?
• 9:32
  Kyla: Are you always sifting in your mind?
• 9:34
  Kyla: Like, it just seems like- Oh, all the time you always have to be on point-
• 9:37
  Candace: Yes
• 9:38
  Kyla: or it overwhelms you.
• 9:39
  Candace: Yeah.
• 9:40
  Candace: I mean, I think, I, I mean, I, when you're saying that, I feel like a soldier with a shield.
• 9:44
  Candace: Yeah.
• 9:44
  Candace: And I know, like, it almost feels that way, especially right now with, with our culture and sensory overload in every aspect.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Well, one of the things we talk about, we did, um, a couple of episodes about, conversations in the culture.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: And one of the things we said is we can't be ignorant.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: If you're ignorant, that's a foolish way to live-
• 10:07
  Candace: Mm-hmm
• 10:07
  Cheryl: to not realize- Right, right oh, sure, here, you're five years old, here's your own iPhone.
• 10:12
  Cheryl: You can use it.
• 10:12
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: And that's an extreme example, but we can't be ignorant.
• 10:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: So let's process a little bit.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: How in the world do you walk through this mosh pit of all these voices and information overload- Mm-hmm good information- Good
• 10:30
  Candace: information
• 10:30
  Cheryl: and there's nutrition, and then there's education, and then there's spiritual, and then there's cultural, and then there's connecting with your children and how to develop them emotionally and how do I develop.
• 10:44
  Cheryl: yall, this is good information- Mm-hmm but it's a mosh pit.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: What do we do with it?
• 10:50
  Candace: You could n- you could never get to the end of it.
• 10:52
  Candace: Um, I think, I think what you're talking about is boundaries- Mm-hmm which is the, I think that's probably come up on your podcast multiple times.
• 10:59
  Cheryl: We did a whole series on it.
• 11:00
  Candace: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:02
  Candace: Um, I think it, it really has to be individualistic.
• 11:06
  Candace: I don't think there's a cookie cutter answer for this, but I think some of the things and as an individual you can do is, I think we maybe talked about self-reflection, finding out what things, like you said, you didn't know before that your fear was causing control.
• 11:24
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 11:25
  Candace: But you can't get there if you don't have reflection, self-reflection, wisdom, people who speak true wisdom in your life.
• 11:33
  Candace: Um-
• 11:33
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 11:34
  Candace: yeah.
• 11:34
  Cheryl: Think about the moms listening to us-
• 11:37
  Candace: Mm-hmm
• 11:38
  Cheryl: saying,"Yeah, how do I get there?"
• 11:40
  Candace: Right.
• 11:40
  Carol: you're right I think there has to be self-reflection.
• 11:45
  Carol: I'm thinking about me.
• 11:48
  Carol: I have to listen and learn, to recognize Inside of me, this is churning up fear, anxiety- Yes and strife.
• 11:59
  Carol: I need to stop at this point.
• 12:01
  Carol: Yes,
• 12:01
  Candace: recognizing.
• 12:02
  Candace: Recognizing.
• 12:02
  Cheryl: I'm recognizing this is riling up in me, so I need to stop and actually then come back and
• 12:09
  Carol: ask Why.
• 12:11
  Carol: Why did that stir it up?
• 12:13
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 12:13
  Candace: Mm.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 12:14
  Cheryl: And then walk down those paths rather than just saying,"Well, I need more information." I don't think More information, going to uh, help us deal with that.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: We need enough information, and then we need to process-
• 12:29
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 12:30
  Cheryl: why am I reacting like this?
• 12:32
  Candace: Mm.
• 12:32
  Cheryl: Why is this stirring up such fear?
• 12:34
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 12:35
  Carol: Yeah, absolutely.
• 12:35
  Carol: What do you think about that?
• 12:37
  Kyla: I, I don't even know if this is helpful, but I think about this illustration a lot, and it was before I had kids, I was working in a nuclear pharmacy, which is scary.
• 12:49
  Kyla: Wow.
• 12:49
  Kyla: You're working...
• 12:50
  Kyla: Not scary, but you have to be very careful because you're working with radioactivity.
• 12:54
  Kyla: You're working behind a really thick shield that's protecting you, and I remember this one guy when he was training me, he said,"You can be, uh, relaxed and free and pay attention to other stuff, but when you're working these few seconds, you have to pay so close attention to what you're doing and stop, and everything else fades." Like, focus on what's important, and then get the job done and let it go.
• 13:24
  Kyla: And I think about that- That's a
• 13:25
  Candace: brilliant
• 13:26
  Kyla: analogy in life.
• 13:26
  Kyla: That's such a
• 13:27
  Candace: great illustration.
• 13:28
  Kyla: I think about that in life a lot with my kids.
• 13:30
  Kyla: I'm like,"I need to be fully focused right here, right now with this relationship, with what's important, whether it's their safety, whether it's-" Wow"educating myself, and fully give everything I have in this moment, and then I need to step away and relax and trust that it's gonna be okay.
• 13:50
  Kyla: I don't have to carry the weight all the time, but I'm giving it my all, and then I'm walking away in rest and trust."
• 13:57
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 13:58
  Kyla: That is profound.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: In process.
• 14:01
  Kyla: In process.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: 'Cause that medicine, you finished it and got, got rid of it.
• 14:04
  Kyla: Yes.
• 14:05
  Cheryl: That is a great- Yeah.
• 14:07
  Carol: nuclear parenting- Yeah.
• 14:09
  Kyla: Yeah
• 14:09
  Cheryl: but just in relationships, I love that.
• 14:12
  Cheryl: But what does it take to get there?
• 14:15
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 14:15
  Cheryl: You've got to have margin.
• 14:17
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 14:18
  Cheryl: I mean, that's just one of our drums we beat- Right all the time.
• 14:21
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 14:21
  Cheryl: If you don't have margin-
• 14:23
  Kyla: Right
• 14:24
  Cheryl: you're in a reactive state all the time, and you don't have the time to say,"I need to get back to this and process."
• 14:30
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: I know somebody that's in a really, truly difficult situation and complicated.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: I mean, life just
• 14:37
  Carol: often is, And I said,"I'm so thankful this is not time-sensitive- Mm and you have the ability to back off-" Back off from the reactive, and then take the time and process through it
• 14:52
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Cause not everything you can.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: Some things you have to be dealing with a nuclear reaction.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Yeah....
• 14:59
  Cheryl: It's not a nuclear reaction.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: I don't know the- Well,
• 15:01
  Kyla: the radioactivity, like- Yeah it- it's has to be handled very carefully with full focus.
• 15:07
  Kyla: And
• 15:07
  Cheryl: then it's-
• 15:07
  Kyla: But not all the time
• 15:08
  Cheryl: but then it's life-giving-
• 15:09
  Kyla: Right.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm when it's handled correctly.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: Correct.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: How about that, you know?
• 15:12
  Cheryl: And so you've got to have margin-
• 15:14
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 15:15
  Cheryl: and then margin not just in the moment, but then to come back-
• 15:18
  Candace: Mm-hmm
• 15:19
  Cheryl: and do the self-reflection, to process a little bit and say,"Okay, why?
• 15:24
  Candace: And turn it off.
• 15:25
  Candace: I mean- I feel like we don't do that enough.
• 15:29
  Candace: Just turn it off.
• 15:30
  Kyla: Mm.
• 15:30
  Candace: Just, just be okay with maybe missing out
• 15:35
  Cheryl: well, FOMO is, like, one of the most terrifying things in this culture.
• 15:41
  Candace: Yes.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:41
  Cheryl: You would think that FOMO was a deadly cancer.
• 15:45
  Candace: Yes.
• 15:45
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 15:46
  Candace: Yeah.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: And so somewhere, and I don't know, maybe I'll get my doctorate in it, finding out how FOMO got its tentacles into- these generations.
• 15:55
  Candace: I mean, I suffered from it for a while.
• 15:56
  Candace: And, uh, and I wouldn't have said it was that, but just if I get o- if I delete this social media app, and I don't...
• 16:03
  Candace: I mean, everybody does school through it, and this and...
• 16:06
  Candace: My, my life still went on- Yeah when I turned it off.
• 16:11
  Candace: Like
• 16:11
  Cheryl: I- And that's not living an ignorant
• 16:13
  Candace: life.
• 16:13
  Candace: No, no.
• 16:13
  Candace: And it, it's not forever.
• 16:15
  Candace: No.
• 16:15
  Candace: It's not always a forever thing.
• 16:17
  Candace: Yeah.
• 16:17
  Candace: I think that's another thing.
• 16:18
  Candace: We try to do absolutes in our lives.
• 16:19
  Candace: Well, it's a
• 16:19
  Kyla: gift not to be 100% available.
• 16:22
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 16:22
  Kyla: You know, to just say,"Hey, yeah, I've had my phone away for a few hours, but I'm getting back with you now, and I missed this call." And I mean-
• 16:30
  Candace: Yeah
• 16:31
  Kyla: not to become always on.
• 16:33
  Candace: Yeah.
• 16:33
  Candace: I know.
• 16:34
  Candace: I, I do miss the whole o- old home phones.
• 16:37
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 16:38
  Candace: You know- They're going back to those, I think when, when you were, when you were at home, you missed a phone call, it's okay.
• 16:41
  Candace: Yeah.
• 16:42
  Candace: You
• 16:43
  Cheryl: know, and there, there's a whole movement back to it.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: Now, actually, the early 20s are getting corded phones.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:53
  Kyla: Yeah, I
• 16:53
  Candace: saw that.
• 16:53
  Candace: We, I actually just got one for my girls.
• 16:55
  Candace: They're gonna get it as their summer gift.
• 16:57
  Candace: It's called a tin can, and it looks like a tin can, but it has a, a spiral cord, it, it plugs into the wall.
• 17:04
  Candace: Oh, my goodness.
• 17:04
  Candace: And every tin can phone can call another tin can phone for free.
• 17:08
  Candace: Uh.
• 17:08
  Candace: And so that's all we're gonna do,'cause we're trying to start a movement with their friends, like eight-year-olds are starting to ask for iphones Yeah that's not happening in our household.
• 17:15
  Candace: Yeah.
• 17:16
  Candace: Um, and so I, but I do want that freedom of like, when the phone rings, then it could be for you and-
• 17:22
  Kyla: Yeah you know-
• 17:22
  Candace: Just fine and just conversation without a screen.
• 17:25
  Candace: Conversation causing attention to be focused with your ear, like nothing else, right?
• 17:30
  Cheryl: Well,
• 17:30
  Candace: it's
• 17:31
  Cheryl: real funny because you just did the, thumb Yeah, bringing it out little finger out to your ears, which we would do for phones, and then the- This generation Apple generation says,"Why are you doing that for a phone?" Yeah.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: "You look at your phone." Yeah.
• 17:43
  Candace: My girls do the flat hand.
• 17:44
  Candace: The flat hand.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: That's what they do.
• 17:46
  Cheryl: The, just like that, just a flat hand.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: Isn't this funny- Yeah that it's the full circle and the, the technology people are saying,"Oh, by the way, we've got low tech tech for you." Right,
• 17:56
  Candace: right.
• 17:57
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 17:58
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 17:59
  Kyla: I've always, I've not prided myself, but I've not been a worrier.
• 18:05
  Kyla: I don't, I'm not a big what if and what if, you know- What a
• 18:08
  Cheryl: gift
• 18:09
  Kyla: I do, I do this wrong.
• 18:10
  Kyla: But it, it exacerbates itself in other ways.
• 18:14
  Kyla: Uh-
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: Well, and I'm not a particularly a worrier,
• 18:18
  Carol: either, but I do think,"Oh, I can I need to do more."
• 18:23
  Candace: Right.
• 18:23
  Candace: Right.
• 18:24
  Candace: That's, and that's-
• 18:24
  Cheryl: More
• 18:24
  Candace: yeah.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: More, I need to know more, which is why I need to know more.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Which is why I need to read this book, why I need to listen to this.
• 18:32
  Cheryl: Oh, I need to understand Enneagram.
• 18:34
  Cheryl: I need then to do this, I need to do this.
• 18:37
  Cheryl: And all, none of that is evil or wrong.
• 18:40
  Kyla: Right.
• 18:40
  Cheryl: It's just a lack of balance.
• 18:44
  Kyla: And no room for margin.
• 18:45
  Cheryl: And
• 18:46
  Carol: The term self-aware in my life was sort of a word that meant pride-
• 18:55
  Candace: Mm
• 18:55
  Cheryl: that this is all about me.
• 18:57
  Candace: Mm.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: I am so aware of myself.
• 18:59
  Candace: Mm.
• 19:00
  Cheryl: Instead of the very healthy self-awareness that we mean in good emotional and mental health.
• 19:07
  Candace: Yeah.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: And so it was literally just a few years ago, and it was the gift of the quarantine of 2020 that I did a deep dive for myself into- That emotional health of I need to be so self-aware that I see how I'm reacting, how I'm treating others, instead of a, instead of
• 19:32
  Candace: Oh, baby, sorry about that.
• 19:33
  Cheryl: I'm not sorry, y'all.
• 19:34
  Cheryl: Winnie's being adorable.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: But I had to be self-aware- Yeah and see, I had that time to actually process.
• 19:44
  Cheryl: And- Widowhood parenting was so intense and my commitment was so deep, I didn't have all the time to just sit-
• 19:52
  Candace: Yeah
• 19:52
  Cheryl: and think about me in a non-prideful way.
• 19:56
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: In a really digging down, shovel, looking what my emotions were, why I reacted, why, why, why.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:04
  Cheryl: Well, this leads to this, which led to that, which led to that, and I am so much healthier.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: I have so much more freedom in my life, and therefore everybody that I'm connected to is freer- Yeah, yeah because I'm freer-
• 20:18
  Candace: Yeah
• 20:18
  Cheryl: in this.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: And it took that self-reflection-
• 20:22
  Candace: Mm-hmm
• 20:22
  Cheryl: and time that I took.
• 20:25
  Kyla: I think through that, Cheryl, something I learned f- from you was Maybe accepting that I am different from other moms- Yeah and that I don't have the same capacity.
• 20:40
  Candace: Yes.
• 20:40
  Kyla: And that- Yeah to me felt shameful.
• 20:43
  Kyla: Like, I don't have, I'm not an external processor.
• 20:45
  Kyla: I'm not good
• 20:46
  Candace: enough.
• 20:46
  Kyla: And I'm not an extrovert.
• 20:47
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 20:47
  Kyla: And I can't do as, as many social things'cause I need more time to recharge, but that's okay.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: It sure is.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: And quite frankly, I'm a many burner person.
• 20:57
  Candace: Mm.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: And I can, like, it's just, that's a strength of mine.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:01
  Cheryl: And I can be, you know, helping someone with an algebra problem and making soup on the stove and, uh, keeping a baby happy.
• 21:09
  Cheryl: I'm a little bit of that kind of many burner
• 21:12
  Carol: person.
• 21:13
  Carol: The problem with that is then you tend to skim some time, and everybody's getting skimming- Mm rather than connecting the way you need to.
• 21:21
  Carol: But Kyla came and said,"Why can't I do all of that?"
• 21:25
  Candace: Right.
• 21:25
  Cheryl: And we processed everything.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: It's because you're uniquely made.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:30
  Cheryl: 'Cause every strength- Interesting has a shadow side.
• 21:32
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: And so what I had to do is learn to slow down and be very present, even when I'm fixing soup, um, uh, burping a baby- and tying a shoe.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: I need to be sure I was slowing down and giving each Mm individual attention while we're doing all the stuff, and it's the,"Oh, I can do more.
• 21:55
  Cheryl: If I can do 10 burners, why couldn't I do 15 burners?"
• 21:58
  Kyla: Right, right.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: And that trap that that takes you in- Yep.
• 22:01
  Cheryl: And it's-
• 22:01
  Kyla: And it's- the analogy.
• 22:03
  Kyla: I mean, you can be completely 100% on, focused on, uh, the very important thing, but then you can step away and breathe and relax and fill yourself up.
• 22:15
  Kyla: Like, it's- Yeah the-
• 22:16
  Candace: And I think that's it.
• 22:17
  Candace: That might be a part that's hard for some people.
• 22:19
  Candace: Right.
• 22:19
  Kyla: Why?
• 22:20
  Cheryl: Talk about that.
• 22:20
  Candace: Well, just I could see myself, like, I hear you, and I'm like,"Oh, yes, be intentional.
• 22:25
  Candace: Intentionality is so important and being deep down." Well, then, I would tend to get stuck there, right?
• 22:32
  Candace: Stuck in that without the relaxation, and that's, that's the part I need.
• 22:36
  Candace: I need that.
• 22:37
  Candace: Absolutely.
• 22:37
  Candace: And I, I need to allow myself space.
• 22:40
  Candace: To do that.
• 22:41
  Candace: And my space is gonna look completely different than Kyla's space.
• 22:45
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 22:45
  Candace: So, like, even as we're talking about this and we have listeners listening in, and they're, you know, they have maybe their list out writing down.
• 22:52
  Candace: But it, it's not all the same.
• 22:54
  Candace: But- No, it's not what you, what you're gifted is you have your own self-reflection.
• 22:58
  Candace: And in that, you can find, okay, this would work this is what works for me.
• 23:02
  Candace: This is what works for our family.
• 23:04
  Candace: Okay, and then, and then we'll create space in this.
• 23:07
  Candace: And not, it doesn't look like Cheryl's space.
• 23:08
  Candace: It doesn't look like- No Kyla's space.
• 23:10
  Candace: It, it looks
• 23:10
  Cheryl: like- Absolutely.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: 100%
• 23:11
  Candace: reflection of Newport families.
• 23:13
  Cheryl: And see, intentionality, if there's anything, I am an intentional person.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: And the s- twin sister to that is relationships.
• 23:22
  Cheryl: So my situation crafted for me this highly intentional, deep relationship person with five children, widowed, parenting- Mm all of it, and I was absolutely burning myself out in every possible way.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: Because I said,"Oh, my gifting is.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: I can do that." Mm-hmm.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: "And go deep, deep, deep with this person and listen to that person." And then that one comes and sits on my bed and talks till 12.
• 23:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: I...
• 23:53
  Cheryl: It wasn't healthy.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: I'm in
• 23:54
  Kyla: that zone right
• 23:54
  Cheryl: now.
• 23:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:55
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 23:55
  Kyla: It's
• 23:55
  Cheryl: like- It, it wasn't healthy.
• 23:57
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 23:57
  Cheryl: And so I had things orchestrate in my life that made me step back.
• 24:02
  Cheryl: And then I realized, oh, actually taking that away from me was one of the best gifts I ever had.
• 24:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: Because I'm
• 24:09
  Carol: not Infinite.
• 24:10
  Carol: Only God is.
• 24:10
  Kyla: And not the intentionality or the relationships, but other things so you could...
• 24:14
  Kyla: Right?
• 24:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: So I could do- Yeah what was really on my heart.
• 24:18
  Kyla: Right.
• 24:19
  Cheryl: But I just thought it required an infinite ability that I realized I didn't have, and I just kept wondering, what is wrong with me?
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Surely I can churn up more instead of going,"Wait just a minute."
• 24:35
  Kyla: I need to put gasoline back in the car.
• 24:37
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: I just ran on
• 24:39
  Kyla: fumes..
• 24:40
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 24:41
  Candace: Well, and this is just the thought that popped in while, while we're sitting here talking, and maybe this is something or not, but just I don't know,
• 24:47
  I just had this feeling of, well, maybe it doesn't
• 24:50
  Candace: Like, even, even right now as I'm sitting here like,"Oh my gosh, I don't have margin for this," and I have, you know, we have this meeting coming up for this kid.
• 24:58
  Candace: And then, and, and I'm trying to, like, how can I m- how can I manage it?
• 25:02
  Candace: How can I- Right find the space?
• 25:03
  Candace: How c- What if I just take a breath?
• 25:06
  Candace: What if like when you sent me that text this morning and I said,"Just relax," and this baby's screaming, and I laughed and I thought,"She has no idea what's going on." But then I did.
• 25:15
  Candace: For a moment, I just took a breath and I thought,"What, what's the wor- what is the...
• 25:19
  Candace: I know she's happy.
• 25:21
  Candace: I, I know she's fed.
• 25:22
  Candace: I'm taking care of her.
• 25:23
  Candace: She just doesn't like the car seat today, and that's okay." I'm like, what if that's how I viewed my problems in this moment?
• 25:29
  Candace: And like- I
• 25:29
  Cheryl: love it
• 25:30
  Candace: and I don't think we allow people to do that.
• 25:33
  Candace: Mm.
• 25:33
  Candace: I don't think our culture allows people to just be like,"Yeah, this is it right now," like, and this is, I,
• 25:41
  Cheryl: it's- I, I love it.
• 25:42
  Cheryl: I love the phrasing non-anxious presence.
• 25:44
  Candace: Yeah.
• 25:45
  Candace: Mm.
• 25:45
  Candace: Yes.
• 25:45
  Cheryl: And that that non-anxious presence is a present to everybody else.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: Like I said, the freedom that you all have is where I've been freed up, and I can let it go.
• 25:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:57
  Cheryl: That's one of the gifts of being my age, and I think a lot of grandparenting is not just that they don't have other things, but you kind of begin to say,"It just doesn't matter."
• 26:10
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 26:10
  Cheryl: Let it go, and you can start I can live out my priorities with my grandchildren.
• 26:17
  Cheryl: Now, of course, I don't have to be responsible for everything, but that's not the point.
• 26:21
  Cheryl: The point is what you're saying.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: I can say,"It just doesn't matter."
• 26:25
  Candace: Yes, that's what I was gonna say- Oh when you
• 26:29
  Cheryl: said,"It just doesn't matter." You matter, you matter, but it just doesn't matter, whatever it is.
• 26:31
  Cheryl: The
• 26:31
  Candace: stuff,
• 26:32
  Cheryl: the stuff.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: The stuff, the presentation- the whatever it is, and just to throw your head back and laugh and to love more.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: We hear people talk about it, but that's the quality of life-
• 26:45
  Candace: Mm-hmm
• 26:45
  Cheryl: and that I can love people better when I operate like that.
• 26:50
  Candace: Mm.
• 26:51
  Candace: That's beautiful.
• 26:52
  Candace: Yeah.
• 26:52
  Candace: That's so beautiful.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: And then I'm handling that radioactive stuff really well.
• 26:57
  Cheryl: I'm slowing down, loving this person- Mm-hmm and what matters, matters.
• 27:02
  Cheryl: You just let the rest go.
• 27:03
  Candace: Yeah.
• 27:03
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 27:04
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 27:04
  Candace: Yeah.
• 27:05
  Cheryl: Wow, okay.
• 27:06
  Cheryl: So good.
• 27:06
  Cheryl: So we have got to wrap this up.
• 27:08
  Cheryl: Let me ask you how could you apply that in your life, like today?
• 27:12
  Candace: Mm.
• 27:13
  Cheryl: Literally-
• 27:14
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 27:14
  Cheryl: in your real lives- Mm-hmm this day, how can you apply that?
• 27:19
  Candace: Yeah
• 27:19
  Cheryl: as real parents in real life.
• 27:21
  Kyla: Oh my goodness.
• 27:22
  Candace: I mean-
• 27:23
  Cheryl: I'm
• 27:23
  Candace: just- that is the challenge.
• 27:24
  Candace: Um-
• 27:25
  Cheryl: Without being another thing on your list you have to do
• 27:28
  Candace: yeah, you know, I, I, I truly feel like that's where I'm at right now is, in this stage of learning that it's just okay to breathe in the moment.
• 27:38
  Candace: Like-
• 27:38
  Cheryl: Yeah
• 27:39
  Candace: I, uh, my, my husband is really good at reminding me, like,"This is all gravy." He talks about it being gravy.
• 27:45
  Candace: Like-
• 27:45
  Cheryl: Wow
• 27:45
  Candace: there's, it's grace and gravy is what he says.
• 27:49
  Candace: Mm.
• 27:49
  Candace: And so if, I mean, there's, yeah, there's little fires everywhere all the time in our house, you know, with four- Everything girls screaming, messes, and just having that time to just be able to stop.
• 28:02
  Candace: And I, I will, I literally will stop in, you know, plant both my feet, big deep breath, sigh it out, and just remember it's all grace and gravy.
• 28:10
  Candace: Like, Even just when I took the laundry out of the dryer the other night, I thought, my initial response was,"Oh my gosh, this laundry is never ending." And then as I was walking to the couch, I said,"Thank you.
• 28:23
  Candace: Thank you I have this laundry to fold."
• 28:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 28:25
  Cheryl: I
• 28:25
  Candace: have four little girls that I'm folding laundry for for the foreseeable future, and thank you.
• 28:31
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 28:31
  Cheryl: So the two things I hear in that, and I completely agree with you, is grace And gratefulness.
• 28:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:39
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 28:40
  Cheryl: But I have grace for myself-
• 28:42
  Candace: Mm-hmm
• 28:42
  Cheryl: and gratefulness for what I have, the gifts I have, all of it, to look for ways to be grateful- Yeah in the messy laundry- Yeah and the piles, and to hand it to everybody else.
• 28:53
  Cheryl: What a gift you're giving your children, your husband, and everybody else.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 28:59
  Candace: Mm-hmm.
• 28:59
  Cheryl: But I can't give grace of, uh, to others- Yeah I don't give to myself.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:03
  Cheryl: Because everybody watches, and they go,"Sure, you say the words-
• 29:07
  Candace: Yeah
• 29:07
  Cheryl: but I see how you treat yourself."
• 29:09
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 29:10
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 29:10
  Candace: Yes.
• 29:10
  Candace: Yeah.
• 29:11
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 29:12
  Cheryl: What about you, Kyla?, How could you apply this today in your real life?
• 29:18
  Kyla: Well, I, I guess I was just thinking more silly examples that have actually happened, but it's like, you know, I, I made homemade enchiladas for dinner, and I- Oh, yeah dropped the pan.
• 29:30
  Kyla: And broken glass, and all that time, and it's on the floor, and- It's, and I'm just thinking of, you know, Trevor, and we're on our way out the door, and we're in the car, and Trevor, okay, he, he didn't brush his teeth.
• 29:44
  Kyla: He didn't brush his hair.
• 29:46
  Kyla: It just doesn't matter.
• 29:48
  Kyla: We'll deal with it later, but they're with me, and we can come up with an alternative solution, and those things really don't matter, and if I can just let it go
• 30:00
  Cheryl: And I think the gift of laughter-
• 30:03
  Kyla: Oh.
• 30:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that you- Yes when I have been with someone and that happens-
• 30:08
  Kyla: Yes
• 30:08
  Cheryl: you know, tomato soup, and it is-
• 30:11
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 30:12
  Cheryl: everywhere.
• 30:13
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 30:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 30:14
  Cheryl: To throw back your head and laugh.
• 30:15
  Kyla: Yep.
• 30:16
  Cheryl: Because it doesn't matter.
• 30:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 30:18
  Kyla: It's just a thing.
• 30:19
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 30:19
  Kyla: And I say that to my kids, like,"It's just a thing." Yeah.
• 30:21
  Kyla: "It broke.
• 30:22
  Kyla: It's just a thing." And
• 30:24
  Cheryl: if you-"It'll
• 30:24
  Kyla: be
• 30:24
  Cheryl: okay." laugh- Yeah look at the gift you're giving your children.
• 30:27
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 30:28
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 30:28
  Cheryl: That they go,"Oh, she had to clean up the mess.
• 30:31
  Cheryl: There wasn't any food.
• 30:33
  Cheryl: You had to be creative.
• 30:35
  Cheryl: Okay, but look."
• 30:36
  Kyla: They got beans and rice.
• 30:38
  Kyla: Right.
• 30:40
  Cheryl: Oh, great.
• 30:41
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 30:41
  Cheryl: This is excellent.
• 30:42
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 30:42
  Cheryl: You all, thank you, and we are gonna have to do this again.
• 30:45
  Kyla: Yes.
• 30:46
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 30:46
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 30:46
  Cheryl: This is so much fun.
• 30:48
  Cheryl: I'm going to carry what we talked about today with me into all the conversations and people that I have the rest of my day.
• 30:56
  Kyla: Mm.
• 30:56
  Cheryl: Thank y'all for that gift.
• 30:58
  Kyla: Mm-hmm.
• 31:00
  Cheryl: Hey, parents, remember, hang in there.
• 31:02
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: If you've found yourself somewhere in this conversation today, maybe it's worth remembering that caring deeply and carrying everything are not the same thing.
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: You were never meant to know all the answers.
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: You were never meant to control every outcome.
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: The fact you're asking questions, paying attention, and continuing to grow says more about your parenting than you may realize.
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: So be gentle with yourself this week.
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: Keep showing up, keep loving your people well, and trust that growth, both yours and theirs, usually happens one ordinary day at a time.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: We'd love to hear from you.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: You can always connect with us through our website, social media, or contact@theparentingpodcast.com.