Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / The Artful Codger Andy Huggins Stand Up Comedy Special 🤣😁

Transcript

The Artful Codger Andy Huggins Stand Up Comedy Special 🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I'd uh start off my act with two new facts I learned today.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: One, an edible is nothing like a lunchable.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And metrosexual is a two people screwing on the bus.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: My new hearing aids are great.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: I can now hear the safe word.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: New watch will tell me how many steps I've taken today.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Forty-seven.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: No wonder I'm tired.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: As far as social media goes, you can follow me on the bulletin board at Krogers.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Or my chart.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of which, because of my bad back, I've had several MRIs, and it's been determined that I have thin bones, and as it happens, thin bones is also my gangster name.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because of my thin bones, I'm very unsteady when I walk.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: I own the fucking sidewalk.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: People step aside for thin bones.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Fifty-two.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: My fingers are no longer nimble.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can't, if I'm pissed off at somebody, I can't give them the finger.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, I give them the claw.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a warrior.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I worry about everything.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I worry about dying young.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'd go to hell.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: A con man got me so confused.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: I gave him all my banking information.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: He took one look at my account and put money in.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: I bought a new bed, and according to the instructions, it can bear no more than 250 pounds.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: So when I ask women how much they weigh, I'm just practicing safe sex.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I saw a beautiful lady, and without thinking, I blurted out, oh my God, you're beautiful.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: And she blurted out, oh my God, get out of the ladies' room.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I have an inner child, but I don't think it's mine.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I fell asleep in my swivel chair and dreamed I was a tornado.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a player.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Mostly checkers.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes till seven in the evening.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Long time ago I was in bed with a cheerleader and she whispered in my ear, give me the D.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: I whispered in her ear, D, then waited for the next letter.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: I live in Houston, Texas, and about a month ago we had one of our very infrequent snowfalls.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Spectacular.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: I enjoyed it.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I uh made a snow angel.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I fell over backwards and couldn't get up.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: In about three weeks, I'm going to Europe to do some shows.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Very excited about that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: The first city will be Amsterdam, which I'm told has a lot of drugs, which I don't do.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of sex workers.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: You can't tell, but right now I'm twerking.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Last night I sat on the toilet, slipped right in.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I told someone to kiss my ass.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Where is it?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I uh exercise.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I uh start every morning with ten minutes of coughing in place, followed by 15 minutes of CPR.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um a friend on Facebook suggested I get a bicycle.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: That friend's been blocked.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I've quit a lot of bad habits in my life.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: With the help of uh nicotine gum, I was able to quit the patch.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: And with the help of cigarettes, I was able to quit nicotine gum.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not on Twitter, but I will stop people on the street and tell them shit they're not interested in.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's hashtag where you go in.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hashtag I'm not done talking.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Hashtag catch these hands.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not into sexting, but I will stop people on the street and show them shit they're not interested in.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's hashtag don't call the cops.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Hashtag I'm begging you, please don't call the cops.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was on the internet earlier researching my family history.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Turns out I'm Scotch-Irish on my mom's side, Scotch and soda on my dad's.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a uh recovering alcoholic, 36 years sober.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was a quiet drunk.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Some people would say passed out.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: The haters.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: One night I got drunk and passed out in a neighbor's front yard.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: When I came to, I was part of a yard sale.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: The great love of my life.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: I met in a bar.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: We met when I fell off my bar stool.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: She was already on the floor.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: But I did quit doing drugs in uh 1985.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to focus on my drinking.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um so now, no alcohol.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: No alcohol.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um what I drink now, my favorite drink is uh Red Bull and Meta Mucil.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to order one, it's called Sex on the Beach My Ass.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: The last woman I had a uh relationship with didn't last that long, I don't guess.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Her name was Laura.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have enough in common.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: Laura likes to go dancing.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: I like to stop my foot till I get some feeling back.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I would use the phrase ahead of schedule.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Laura preferred the word premature.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, we had to go to Facebook, change our relationship status.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: I have it's complicated.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Laura has no it ain't.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: We met in a grocery store, my mind was wandering.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Accidentally bumped into Laura.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Laura got annoyed, said WTF.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Said no, A-A-R-P.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: For our first date, we went out to dinner, or as Laura called it, lunch.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Our first night together was a disaster.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: Laura believes in the zombie apocalypse, and I forgot to tell her I sleepwalk.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I uh wanted to be fair with Laura, so I told her I was older than I looked.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: She said that's not possible.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, the sex was great.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: The bedroom could get noisy, I'd be yelling, sweet Jesus.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Laura would yell, God, why hast thou forsaken me?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: The nurse would yell, clear.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Laura uh loved role-playing in the bedroom.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Once for four nights in a row, she was a different golden girl.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: One night she was uh catwoman and I was Batman.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well, Alfred.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: A couple of nights later she was Jackie Kennedy and uh I was Alfred.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: And my favorite bit of role-playing, Laura did a uh strip tease while I yell at her to get off my front yard.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Laura slept on camouflage pajamas, slept in camouflage pajamas on camouflage bed sheets.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of foreplay, I had to go on reconnaissance.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't always go well in the bedroom.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Laura didn't hesitate to let me know.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: One morning I woke up and my body was outlined in chalk.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: There were pennies in my eyes.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Laura got pissed when we broke up.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't own a car, so she keyed a metro bus.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: So now I'm on the lookout for a rich widow woman.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: I want to spend my twilight years as some lady's geezer toy.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: A geezer toy is like a boy toy, but with shorter hours.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: A lady uh asked me if I wanted to participate in a polyamorous relationship, which involves multiple partners.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: I said, sure, but we're gonna need name tags.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: I will pay anybody fifty thousand dollars to find me a lady friend.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now she has to be kind, she has to be fun, and she has to be wealthy because I'm gonna owe somebody fifty thousand dollars.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: I have one sex toy.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all heard that too?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be fucking with the old man.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I have one sex toy, a referee's whistle.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I use it to stop play.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I love phone sex.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Hello?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Is your grandma home?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't want to leave a message.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's do this.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I uh this is uh I look at this to see what time it is, so I know how long I've been on stage, so I know when to get off.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the problem.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't look at the goddamn thing before you come on stage, then 1037 doesn't mean jack shit.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: My smart watch.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: I also have a uh a smart phone.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: The uh other day I got so pissed off at my phone, almost shoot against the back wall.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: And here's how crazy angry I was.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: I asked Sarah if she had any last words.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: She did.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: She said I didn't have the balls.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Once I spent three minutes looking for my phone while I was talking on it, and the idiot I was talking to was no help.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Do you want me to call you?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was talking to my neighbor Barton today, gentleman about my age, and he was telling me some bullshit story about being at Woodstock, which pissed me off.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's my bullshit story.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go to my backup bullshit story, Apollo 13.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I'd play a joke on Barton.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I'd ring his doorbell and run.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I forgot to run, which would have been embarrassing, except I also forgot to ring the doorbell.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's 45 minutes, I'll never get back.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: We live in an interesting neighborhood.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: We don't have a neighborhood crime watch program.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: We do have a neighborhood Peeping Tom who helps out.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Barton loves Judge Judy.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thinks she's hot.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: After every ruling he else erection sustained.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Barton's a big believer in conspiracies.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: He believed the government fake both the moon landing and his wife's orgasms.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: He and his wife recently renewed their uh wedding vows.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't go well.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: When she said I do, he said, God damn it, not again.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Their grandson has a lot of body piercings, nothing but metal hanging all over his body.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: He works as a wind chime.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I have a nice apartment.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: I have a lot of nice plants.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Some people would say mold.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: The haters.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of comics do very well.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of comics make what they call fuck you money.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Enough money to tell the rest of the world fuck you.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm currently making fuck me money.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody wants to do stand-up these days.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now I give all the newcomers the same advice.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: Get the hell away from me.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was on America's Got Talent about six years ago, and Mel B of the Spice Girls did not like my jokes, which was disappointing because I wanted to open for her group.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: I could have been Old Spice.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: I played Alfred.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I am uh blessed to be able to do stand-up at my age.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: There are problems from time to time.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: A couple of Saturdays ago, before I went on stage, I asked the club manager how much time do I have.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: He said can't be much.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: At my last show, I got confused and dropped the mic at the beginning of my act.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: You all have been very kind.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Get home safely.