Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #558 Parenting Myths - Part 2

Transcript

#558 Parenting Myths - Part 2 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 2: Now, we really do want to take pleasure in one
0:13
Speaker 2: another's company. We want to connect in deeper, meaningful ways,
0:16
Speaker 2: and while the nature of that relationship shifts as our
0:18
Speaker 2: children develop. I think that it's okay to be friends
0:20
Speaker 2: with your kids.
0:21
Speaker 1: And now here's the scars of our show, my mum
0:24
Speaker 1: and dad.
0:25
Speaker 2: Hello, it's doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy Families
0:28
Speaker 2: dot com dot au. Kylie, are you ready for another
0:32
Speaker 2: explosive parenting myth Happy Families Podcast episode I was born
0:37
Speaker 2: Ready today too? Myths to provoke you to think through,
0:43
Speaker 2: to hopefully explode the first one, Can you be friends
0:47
Speaker 2: with your kids? Missus Happy Families, Let's just dive straight
0:50
Speaker 2: into it. Don't worry about pleasantries. Oh, by the way,
0:53
Speaker 2: you've got something on your lip just here.
0:55
Speaker 3: You're a punk. Nobody can see that. Why are you
0:57
Speaker 3: saying you've got something in your teeth? Just in case
0:59
Speaker 3: everybody else wanted to know that?
1:01
Speaker 2: That's so funny? Can you be friends with your kids?
1:04
Speaker 2: With your husbands? Should you be friends with your kids?
1:07
Speaker 3: I think that it depends on their age.
1:10
Speaker 2: Right, Okay, I think.
1:11
Speaker 3: That when your children are young, they need the safety
1:14
Speaker 3: and security that comes from having a big person take
1:17
Speaker 3: control of the situation.
1:18
Speaker 2: Someone authoritative, someone that they can rely on, and the
1:20
Speaker 2: relationship is definitely going to be I mean, it's relatively unequal.
1:23
Speaker 2: The older they get, the more it equals out.
1:25
Speaker 3: Right, that's right. But once our children become adults and
1:27
Speaker 3: they're making their own decisions, then in some ways we
1:33
Speaker 3: actually want to treat them as an equal right. We
1:36
Speaker 3: want to give them the space and the autonomy that
1:39
Speaker 3: they need to make the decisions, but recognize that just
1:42
Speaker 3: like a friend, you're there to bounce ideas off, to
1:45
Speaker 3: come and seek advice if they want, but not something
1:49
Speaker 3: that you're going to shove down their throat like you
1:50
Speaker 3: would have as.
1:51
Speaker 2: A two year old. So we've got three adult kids.
1:53
Speaker 2: Do you feel like you're friends with them?
1:55
Speaker 3: Yeah? I do, and I love spending time with them.
1:58
Speaker 3: And what I love most is the daily phone calls
2:03
Speaker 3: to fill me in on how many vertebrae a horse
2:07
Speaker 3: has because she's just come out of her class at
2:11
Speaker 3: UNI and Madam in physiology and it's so excited to
2:13
Speaker 3: tell me all of the things that she's learned. I
2:16
Speaker 3: absolutely love that in the same breath that drives me
2:20
Speaker 3: crazy because she wants to tell me every single detail
2:23
Speaker 3: about every little thing that's going on in her world.
2:25
Speaker 2: You're saying boundaries need to be enforced even in that friendship,
2:29
Speaker 2: in that relationship.
2:30
Speaker 3: But I just I love that she feels like I'm
2:34
Speaker 3: a person that she can come to and share her
2:35
Speaker 3: world with.
2:36
Speaker 2: It's curious to me that we do want to be
2:38
Speaker 2: friends with our kids. We want to be friendly towards
2:40
Speaker 2: them and loving and compassionate all those things when they're little,
2:43
Speaker 2: and we want that relationship to turn into a genuine,
2:46
Speaker 2: reciprocal friendship as our kids enter adulthood. We've got a
2:50
Speaker 2: fifteen year old. Would you say that you're friends with her?
2:53
Speaker 3: No, I'm still her parent. Okay, I'm very friendly with her,
2:57
Speaker 3: and we love spending time together and we will have conversations.
3:00
Speaker 3: But she, at this point in her life, looks up
3:03
Speaker 3: to me as an authoritative figure.
3:06
Speaker 2: I would prefer an autonomy supportive figure. If you don't
3:09
Speaker 2: want yes, what about this one? Then we want our
3:11
Speaker 2: kids to be friends with us as they get older,
3:14
Speaker 2: and some parents want them to be friends very young.
3:16
Speaker 2: I would agree by the way, I'd say that the
3:18
Speaker 2: stance that you've taken if we can be autonomy supportive,
3:20
Speaker 2: which means we have a friendly, supportive relationship with our
3:22
Speaker 2: children as they're growing and loving and all those good things,
3:25
Speaker 2: and then as they get older and emerge into adulthood,
3:27
Speaker 2: that's when the relationship really can shift into a friendly relationship,
3:32
Speaker 2: a friend oriented relationship. Do you want to are you
3:35
Speaker 2: friends with your parents? Like? When I think about this
3:38
Speaker 2: and people often say, oh, We've got to be friends
3:40
Speaker 2: with our kids, and I pause and think, are you
3:42
Speaker 2: friends with your parents?
3:43
Speaker 1: Like?
3:43
Speaker 2: Do you want to be friends with your parents? Is
3:45
Speaker 2: that a good thing? To be friends with your parents?
3:47
Speaker 3: So what I call my parents my friends? Probably not.
3:51
Speaker 3: I love and adore them, and I will go to
3:55
Speaker 3: them from time to time for support and advice and counsel,
3:59
Speaker 3: but I probably see them more at this point in
4:02
Speaker 3: my life as.
4:02
Speaker 2: A mentor figure.
4:04
Speaker 3: I guess as somebody that I would go to from
4:07
Speaker 3: time to time. We've lived very different lives and we
4:10
Speaker 3: see the world very differently. There are some choices that
4:14
Speaker 3: I've made, or we've made in our lives that a
4:16
Speaker 3: counter to the way they see the world and view
4:19
Speaker 3: the world. And so yeah, I think that because of
4:23
Speaker 3: those life choices, it's kind of taken us in different
4:25
Speaker 3: directions a little bit.
4:27
Speaker 2: So friendships work best on shared values and shared life experience.
4:30
Speaker 2: And as you become an adult and make your own
4:32
Speaker 2: decisions and forward your own way, sometimes your choices may
4:35
Speaker 2: be inconsistent with those that your parents have made or
4:37
Speaker 2: would have made. If they've got expectations, that can really
4:40
Speaker 2: drive a wedge, that can create challenges to overcome, and
4:43
Speaker 2: it can shift the relationship. I also think it's worth
4:46
Speaker 2: highlighting sometimes you might have parents, or sometimes you might
4:49
Speaker 2: be a parent who is carrying a lot of baggage
4:51
Speaker 2: dealing with unresolved trauma, depression, anxiety, all those kinds of
4:57
Speaker 2: other mental health challenges, and that's going to impede the
5:00
Speaker 2: quality of your relationship that you have, either with your
5:02
Speaker 2: parents or with your kids, if we're looking at these
5:04
Speaker 2: intergenerational relationships. But I like the use of the word
5:08
Speaker 2: mentor because I was thinking, I mean, I love my parents.
5:11
Speaker 2: I reckon I'm on pretty friendly terms with my parents.
5:13
Speaker 2: I don't know if I'd say, oh, my dad's a
5:15
Speaker 2: great mate, I mean, I love spending time with him.
5:17
Speaker 2: But we're such different people. I'm probably actually closer friends
5:21
Speaker 2: with my mum though i'm with my dad, although I
5:23
Speaker 2: feel like my bond with my dad is deep and
5:25
Speaker 2: strong and beautiful, and I'm certainly not downplaying or disparaging
5:29
Speaker 2: that when I say it. But I'm thinking intergenerationally. I've
5:33
Speaker 2: got friends, and I guess you might call them mentors,
5:35
Speaker 2: people who are a generation older than you and I,
5:38
Speaker 2: and I know you do too, where I feel like
5:41
Speaker 2: we're great friends. So you can be friends with people
5:43
Speaker 2: who are twenty thirty, forty years older, like properly friends.
5:47
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think age comes into the equation. I
5:50
Speaker 3: think that it really is about how each person views
5:54
Speaker 3: the relationship. I have friendships, and I recognize and no,
5:58
Speaker 3: based on conversations I've had with those friends, what we
6:01
Speaker 3: get out of our relationship is very different personally.
6:05
Speaker 2: So I like friends who are into day to day contact,
6:07
Speaker 2: or not day to day, but regular contact. They'll send
6:09
Speaker 2: a text and say, Hey, just checking in.
6:11
Speaker 3: Wanted to say hi, missed you the other day when
6:14
Speaker 3: we were down at the beach.
6:15
Speaker 1: Yah.
6:15
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, Oh we're doing this thing next weekend. Would
6:17
Speaker 2: you like to come and join us as going to
6:19
Speaker 2: be five or six of us and we're all going
6:20
Speaker 2: to go and hang out.
6:21
Speaker 3: So for me, those relationships are ones that are kind
6:23
Speaker 3: of integrated into my day to day life. You know
6:26
Speaker 3: that the kinds of relationships that they're just they're easy,
6:30
Speaker 3: it's natural, and you just you're aware of what each
6:33
Speaker 3: other is up to where you're at in life.
6:35
Speaker 2: So I'm going to say this, A friendship is a
6:38
Speaker 2: relationship where you take pleasure in one another's company. And
6:42
Speaker 2: the myth that we're not supposed to be friends with
6:44
Speaker 2: our children needs to be busted, because I think we
6:47
Speaker 2: really do want to take pleasure in one another's company.
6:50
Speaker 2: We want to connect in deeper, meaningful ways, and while
6:53
Speaker 2: the nature of that relationship shifts as our children develop.
6:56
Speaker 2: I think that it's okay to be friends with your kids.
6:58
Speaker 2: That doesn't mean that you you don't step in with
7:01
Speaker 2: that authoritative or autonomy, supportive role or presence when necessary.
7:07
Speaker 2: But yeah, you can be friends with your kids. Is
7:09
Speaker 2: that resolved? Are we on the same page? Convince to me?
7:12
Speaker 3: I think you were going there just.
7:14
Speaker 2: Because I'm not friends with our kids. I love our kids.
7:18
Speaker 3: Look, I think the one thing I will say about
7:21
Speaker 3: choosing to be friends with your children, especially in those
7:24
Speaker 3: younger formative years teenage years. And I've watched it with
7:27
Speaker 3: lots of parents over the years. Is just how important
7:30
Speaker 3: it is as the adult to not actually dump on
7:35
Speaker 3: our kids.
7:35
Speaker 2: Yes, so don't use your kids. And so there are
7:37
Speaker 2: two fatal mistakes that I think parents make when they're
7:39
Speaker 2: trying to be friends with their kids. Number One, they
7:41
Speaker 2: become permissive and let the kids do whatever they want.
7:43
Speaker 2: They supply the alcohol or other drugs, and you know,
7:45
Speaker 2: they let them party. Or number two, they use their
7:48
Speaker 2: kids as a friend slash therapist, and they share things
7:52
Speaker 2: that are just their adult things and they're sharing them
7:55
Speaker 2: with kids. And that's again why there's always going to
7:57
Speaker 2: be a slight difference in the parent child relationship. Even
8:00
Speaker 2: let's say you're sixty and your kids are thirty five
8:03
Speaker 2: or forty, whatever it is, you're still not going to
8:06
Speaker 2: use them as a therapist. If there's some stuff going
8:08
Speaker 2: on where you just don't involve your kids because it's
8:11
Speaker 2: family and relationships complicated. But you can still be friends,
8:15
Speaker 2: You can still take pleasure in another's company, you can
8:17
Speaker 2: still have day to day interaction and love finding out
8:20
Speaker 2: about their lives, and that is what a healthy friendship
8:23
Speaker 2: is all about, at least in a family context. After break,
8:26
Speaker 2: our second myth for this week of parenting myths exploded
8:30
Speaker 2: on The Happy Family's podcast. Can you tell whether someone's
8:34
Speaker 2: a good parent by how weather kids turn out? Between
8:42
Speaker 2: fifteen and twenty percent of teens have anxiety. Anxiety is
8:46
Speaker 2: one of the leading causes of mental illness in our children,
8:50
Speaker 2: and as parents, we want to know where is it
8:52
Speaker 2: coming from? Can we stop it? And how do we
8:55
Speaker 2: help our children just feel better? Start by learning how
8:58
Speaker 2: to recognize anxiety in your child, how to respond, and
9:02
Speaker 2: how to give them hope and the anxiety in your child.
9:05
Speaker 2: Webinar can help. It's available at Happy families dot com
9:08
Speaker 2: dot a U.
9:10
Speaker 3: It's The Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
9:12
Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now And I'm interested
9:15
Speaker 3: where you're going to go with this, Doctor Coulson. Can
9:18
Speaker 3: you tell a good parent by how good their kids are?
9:20
Speaker 2: Yes? And no? Wow? Yeah. The reason these myths exist
9:25
Speaker 2: is because there's a kernel of truth. There's just that
9:27
Speaker 2: little bit that stands out and you go, I can
9:29
Speaker 2: think of so many examples where that's right, but all
9:33
Speaker 2: is it always right? And that's why we need to
9:36
Speaker 2: have this conversation. You and I both know many, many,
9:39
Speaker 2: many kids that have been raised in homes where parents
9:42
Speaker 2: have been supportive and generous and compassionate and involved and structured,
9:49
Speaker 2: and they've ticked all the boxes, and they've had kids
9:52
Speaker 2: who frankly, have been really, really, really challenging. But then
9:56
Speaker 2: those kids, how do they grow up? Do they grow
9:58
Speaker 2: up to be challenging or like results take time to measure,
10:01
Speaker 2: And we also know plenty of parents who have been permissive,
10:05
Speaker 2: even neglectful, plenty of parents who have not fulfilled their
10:09
Speaker 2: parenting responsibilities, and quite often their kids follow what the
10:14
Speaker 2: data suggests and end up having all sorts of really
10:16
Speaker 2: big challenges. But they have some kids that buck the
10:18
Speaker 2: trend in spite of all of the very worst parenting
10:20
Speaker 2: in the world. So I just think it's one of
10:22
Speaker 2: those things, Kylie, where you can't judge a parent by
10:25
Speaker 2: their children, and you can't judge a child by their parents,
10:30
Speaker 2: although there's usually a handful of indicators to give us
10:34
Speaker 2: some reasonable suggestions that things will go one way or another.
10:37
Speaker 3: Over the years, I've actually I've watched some parents and
10:41
Speaker 3: you know, who've had for all intents and purposes, picture
10:45
Speaker 3: perfect children, yep. Who As time has gone on, children
10:51
Speaker 3: have completely bucked the system because in order to get
10:53
Speaker 3: those picture perfect children, there's been a high level of
10:57
Speaker 3: control in the relationship, and so children get to a
11:01
Speaker 3: certain point where they kind of realize they don't.
11:03
Speaker 2: Need to they push back the rebel. Yeah, and I
11:06
Speaker 2: like what you said. Results take time to measure, and
11:09
Speaker 2: this is the critical thing when we're talking about a
11:10
Speaker 2: good parent or a good kid, when at what point
11:13
Speaker 2: If they're twelve but they're under the thumb, of course
11:16
Speaker 2: they're going to be good and the parents are going
11:17
Speaker 2: to look like their picture perfect But if they're eighteen
11:20
Speaker 2: and now they're rebelling, does that mean that they're bad
11:23
Speaker 2: kids or does that mean that they were bad parents.
11:24
Speaker 2: I just think there's so many factors at play here.
11:27
Speaker 3: When I was growing up, it was very much a
11:31
Speaker 3: societal I guess belief that children were to be seen
11:34
Speaker 3: and not heard. And having raised our children very differently, children.
11:42
Speaker 2: Are noisy, had are always heard and seen.
11:45
Speaker 3: And have opinions.
11:46
Speaker 2: Yes, And I love bringing them into the conversation as well.
11:49
Speaker 2: When we've got friends over around the dining table, bring
11:51
Speaker 2: the kids in ask the kids what they think. I mean,
11:53
Speaker 2: that's fun.
11:55
Speaker 3: I absolutely love that our children feel like they have
12:00
Speaker 3: the capacity to share their voice. But at times, number one,
12:06
Speaker 3: it can be extremely grating, and number two, it can
12:09
Speaker 3: be very embarrassing when you're out and about and your
12:12
Speaker 3: child decides to just say it how it is in
12:15
Speaker 3: front of someone who's a complete stranger or even a friend.
12:19
Speaker 2: But kids are irrational and logical. Everyone knows that, right.
12:22
Speaker 2: You hope so bad, but they don't. But they don't,
12:25
Speaker 2: and then you get judged as beeble that's.
12:27
Speaker 3: Right, And then all of a sudden, I'm a bad
12:28
Speaker 3: parent because how dare I let my children speak like that?
12:31
Speaker 1: Yeah?
12:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, don't you teach your children in any manners.
12:33
Speaker 3: I saw this post the other day and I wish
12:35
Speaker 3: I had taken a picture of it because it was brilliant.
12:37
Speaker 3: It was just acknowledging that all of these traits that
12:39
Speaker 3: we see in children and see them as being, you know,
12:42
Speaker 3: kind of classed as naughty or disobedient or because they
12:46
Speaker 3: go against the grain. In adults, we would call them
12:50
Speaker 3: innovative and creative.
12:52
Speaker 2: And your principled rebels, Yes, but it's a child.
12:56
Speaker 3: You're just annoying that's right, and so I love that.
12:59
Speaker 3: You know, we've kind of created this space for our
13:01
Speaker 3: children where they feel they can talk, but at times
13:03
Speaker 3: it can be really challenging as a parent to navigate
13:05
Speaker 3: that because there's a level of immaturity and a reverence
13:10
Speaker 3: that comes with this unlearned skill.
13:13
Speaker 2: Kylie, I think there's one other area that we could
13:16
Speaker 2: talk about here as well, and that is issues to
13:18
Speaker 2: do with well being, mental health, that kind of thing.
13:21
Speaker 2: So I think that I can say without oversharing that
13:24
Speaker 2: we have one child who has struggled with anxiety issues
13:27
Speaker 2: throughout her entire life. Neither you nor I are anxious.
13:31
Speaker 2: We've raised our children in a home where we've focused
13:34
Speaker 2: on well being principles, we focus on faith, we focus
13:37
Speaker 2: on a whole lot of other things that are going
13:38
Speaker 2: to be good, healthy and beneficial for our children. And
13:41
Speaker 2: it seems that no matter what we've done, no matter
13:43
Speaker 2: how many conversations, no matter how many exercises, no matter
13:45
Speaker 2: how many interventions, no matter how many whatever, no matter
13:48
Speaker 2: how much love, that issue still exists. And there are
13:52
Speaker 2: families with all kinds of things that are going on
13:55
Speaker 2: with their children that frankly have little or nothing to
13:59
Speaker 2: do with parenting, but the children exhibit challenging behaviors or
14:04
Speaker 2: experience some delays or difficulties, and it's so easy for
14:08
Speaker 2: parents to be judged by how their kids are turning out.
14:10
Speaker 3: Well to ourselves.
14:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but it's all in the moment. It's in
14:14
Speaker 2: the moment. I think, if we can wrap it up,
14:20
Speaker 2: this myth, it needs to be exploded and we need
14:23
Speaker 2: to really acknowledge that while there are a whole lot
14:27
Speaker 2: of things that parents can do that are predictive, that
14:30
Speaker 2: is that lead in a certain direction, ultimately our children,
14:35
Speaker 2: as they grow will make their own choices. They have
14:38
Speaker 2: what you and I would call agency, the capacity to
14:41
Speaker 2: choose for yourself. And because they've got that capacity to
14:45
Speaker 2: choose for themselves, they're going to do things counter to
14:48
Speaker 2: all of our teaching and all of our ideas if
14:51
Speaker 2: we're getting it right, or they might see what we're
14:54
Speaker 2: doing and we're getting it all wrong, and they may
14:55
Speaker 2: choose otherwise because they don't want to go down that path,
14:58
Speaker 2: and there is nothing that we can do about it
14:59
Speaker 2: one way or the other. They are their own people,
15:02
Speaker 2: and therefore, you can't judge yourself as a parent based
15:07
Speaker 2: on how your kids turn.
15:08
Speaker 3: Out or other parents, or oh thank.
15:11
Speaker 2: You so much. I look at my parents, and I
15:13
Speaker 2: look at the way me and my five siblings have
15:15
Speaker 2: turned out. There's me, twin girls, my brother and twin girls,
15:18
Speaker 2: and we live such.
15:19
Speaker 3: Diverse, literally six diverse.
15:22
Speaker 2: And varied lives. We've got the artists. Who's a professional dancer.
15:26
Speaker 2: We've got the marketing entrepreneur, guru, photographer guy. We've got
15:31
Speaker 2: somebody who's working in a hospital, somebody who is dealing
15:34
Speaker 2: with chronic lifelong mental health issues, and somebody who is
15:40
Speaker 2: a mum. We've all just gone in such different directions.
15:43
Speaker 2: And depending on how you measure success and a good
15:46
Speaker 2: life and all that kind of thing, you could judge
15:49
Speaker 2: my parents in so many different ways. But you know
15:52
Speaker 2: how I judge my parents. I just look at how
15:54
Speaker 2: hard they work. I look at how much they loved us,
15:56
Speaker 2: and I acknowledge that they did the absolute very best
16:00
Speaker 2: that they could, and how we turned out has such
16:04
Speaker 2: limited relevance to what they did his parents.
16:06
Speaker 3: I love that with Michelle Mith busted.
16:10
Speaker 2: Okay, last coment, because we've got to wrap it up.
16:12
Speaker 2: That times up.
16:12
Speaker 3: Well, Michelle Mitchell just posted something the other day and
16:14
Speaker 3: I thought it was just a nice little ray of hope,
16:17
Speaker 3: she said, good news, A little backchat, rejection of your ideas,
16:21
Speaker 3: novelty seeking and risk taking tells us they are developmentally
16:25
Speaker 3: on track.
16:26
Speaker 2: Olch. If you're not following Michelle Mitchell, jump onto her
16:30
Speaker 2: Facebook page. She's great value and has all sorts of
16:32
Speaker 2: excellent insights. We hope that we've busted those myths for you. Yes,
16:36
Speaker 2: it's okay to be friends with your kids, just don't
16:38
Speaker 2: be over permissive and support them in unhealthy behaviors because
16:41
Speaker 2: good friends don't do that, whether it's your kids or
16:44
Speaker 2: someone else. And don't use them as your therapist because,
16:46
Speaker 2: let's be honest, good friends don't do that either. And
16:49
Speaker 2: you can't tell how good a parent is by how
16:52
Speaker 2: the kids are turning out. Sometimes it's just a lottery.
16:56
Speaker 2: Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
16:59
Speaker 2: Craig Bribs is our executive producer. Hey tomorrow on the podcast. Well, actually,
17:03
Speaker 2: a couple of months ago, we had a chat with
17:05
Speaker 2: James Anderson who talked to us about growth mindset stuff,
17:08
Speaker 2: and we had an incredible conversation. We got so much
17:10
Speaker 2: positive feedback from that podcast. He's back tomorrow I'm so
17:13
Speaker 2: excited to hear James Anderson tomorrow talking about more myths
17:18
Speaker 2: to do with how our brains work and what we
17:19
Speaker 2: can do to help our kids to work through the
17:21
Speaker 2: hard stuff. And then Kylie, we're back again on Thursday
17:24
Speaker 2: with a couple more myths to bust on the Happy
17:26
Speaker 2: Families Podcast