Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Living Intentionally Out Loud!

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Living Intentionally Out Loud! · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

• 0:11
  Cry It Out Loud, a podcast by chasing the rainbows with your
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  host Bernice Quisenberry on this week's episode.
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  It is called Living Intentionally, and it's with
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  Bree and Bee. Hey, Bree.
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  Hello. Thank you so much for joining.
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  Yes, thanks for having me. Yes.
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  So my voice sounds the way it does because we had the flu last
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  week. Still bouncing back.
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  I know takes. Forever.
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  To let our family Yes, it sure does.
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  It sure does and like so I have a little bit of a cough so
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  please pardon my coughing mid session if I do or you know, but
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  the frog in my voice, you know, it's I'm just grateful this is
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  all we're left with after, you know going through the flow.
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  So I'll take this every day of the week than what we were
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  enduring. Yeah.
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  But this week's episode is all about living with purpose with
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  meaning it. You know, this basically
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  happened to to me. And you know, you can touch on
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  your own experience. But you know, after we lost our
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  babies, how like we needed to seek out our community, you
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  know, our tribe around us and who we, you know, consumed our
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  time and days with. Especially when we know how
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  precious life really, truly is and how we live out our lives
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  and like who we fill it with. Yeah, no, I agree.
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  I think it was a kind of a reality check of what's really
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  important and who is really important.
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  And to live intentionally is, you know, you don't really think
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  about it until you lose something so precious to you.
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  And then suddenly you're like, you know what?
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  This actually doesn't really matter.
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  That person doesn't really matter.
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  And like you start living with intention and I it can be a
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  beautiful thing that has come out of tragedy.
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  Really it. I mean truly.
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  And I think it also puts situations into perspective.
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  It puts scenarios into perspective.
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  It puts all of that in there because I just honestly right
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  after loss and to this day, I just don't have the mental
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  capability or capacity to even want to deal with it if it's not
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  something. But it's also like I'm not
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  consuming my time with that drama or, you know, those things
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  that don't matter, which is great because I have a really,
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  like you said, out of tragedy, if I can take, you know,
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  something out of that, you know, even though it's ugly and all of
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  that, but to take something out is, is, you know, if we can be
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  left with this, at least it gives us something.
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  If that makes sense, No, I agree.
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  And it's and like you had mentioned about situations and
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  and and like people and things that you just, you know your
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  your time is precious. And I feel like it's a lesson
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  learned through the loss that we experienced.
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  And I want to put my time, effort, all of that into things
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  that are meaningful and that will be a positive, productive,
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  you know, contribution to my life, not something that's going
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  to add to the weight of my life. Yes, draining stuff.
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  And I think it's important because of how heavy that weight
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  really was and it can be and is still to this day after losing
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  our babies and we still feel that.
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  So anything that actually makes us later helps me to grow, you
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  know, and and do all those things larger than my grief is
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  something that I want to fill my pop and day up with, you know,
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  and and keep me going and moving forward and continuing to put
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  one's foot in front of the other.
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  So yeah, yeah. So you know, there was a bunch
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  of things. I know we've talked about this
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  question my whole entire life. I know you've questioned things,
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  you know, we've talked about it, but it's like really narrowing
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  it down with intentions, right. So you know how to fill our
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  days. And one of those big things that
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  I needed to look at was my career.
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  Like, how am I? I know I need to support my
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  family. I knew I need to have a career.
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  You know, right after we lost Brooke, because you have all
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  those medical expenses, you have the funeral expenses, you know,
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  and and if you went through any kind of infertility treatment,
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  you know, all those things that you need to try to revamp.
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  It's like how And is this really what I want to be doing with my
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  life? And I questioned my career.
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  That was one of the big things for me.
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  Yeah, no, I I I can understand that.
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  And I think, you know it all comes back to what brings you
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  joy. And you know, you, you've
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  learned that life is short and like, you want to fill your time
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  with things that bring you joy and and and you know, and even
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  just like being able to share your experiences and help other
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  people and give you purpose through that pain that you
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  experienced and all of that. I could see why, you know,
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  questioning your career path all of a sudden.
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  It's like, well, wait a minute. This used to bring me joy, but
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  now suddenly I've experienced this horrific tragedy and it
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  doesn't bring me joy anymore. What am I doing with my life?
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  Oh, I know. And that's exactly where I was
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  at because, you know, looking at it, working for corporate
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  America and how they treated, you know, my whole entire loss.
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  You know, after, you know, Brooke passed when she was 5 1/2
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  weeks old, I was medically cleared at six weeks to return
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  to work and then only get three days to breathe.
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  And it's like I'm still, you know, trying to figure out what
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  life is, what this looks like because, you know, I only had a
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  week or so, you know, And looking at that, it's like OK,
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  like in my opinion, I was like now I see like what you know,
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  how how I was treated, what it looked like.
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  And it did, It started to really open up some questions for me
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  then like, is this something I want to be doing or how do I
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  want to spend my days. And you're right, like it it was
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  for me. I'm going to take my experience
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  and this can't be it that, you know, that we're given as
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  support services and things when we're baby loss survivors.
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  So that's why, you know, we do that daily approach so people
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  can tailor it to their their needs and to their schedules and
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  not make it stressful on them and just come as you are.
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  And you know, that was so much more important to me and to make
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  something out of this then, you know, continuing down my
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  corporate America path and selling for the man you know.
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  Yeah, Well and I I think that's like making something out of it
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  is is huge because you can go through this and not make
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  anything out of it. You can just like sit with it,
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  but then to like, you know, use that energy to help other people
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  and like speak life into other people is really healing for
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  yourself as well. And you know, going back to the
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  whole job thing, I think, you know, with your experience and
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  how they weren't very accommodating and empathetic to
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  your situation, definitely can trigger those feelings of like
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  this. This is this really what where I
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  want to spend my life like some place that's not going to
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  support me in the most horrific time of my life.
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  And I was very blessed to work for an employer who was kind of
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  the complete opposite and super accommodating and super like
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  empathetic and and it it it made me not have those questions
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  about my career path necessarily because I I there was still joy
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  there and I felt supported and stuff like that.
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  So I think it depends on really like the reactions of it's a
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  it's just it's amazing how the reactions of others can
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  influence kind of your decisions and what you want to do.
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  But yeah, just you know, taking that, not knowing if this career
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  is right for you and if you need to do something different and
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  then gathering all those thoughts, feelings, emotions,
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  and and projecting them into a positive path and being
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  intentional about that is very healing, I will say.
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  Yes. And I I think for me too, you
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  know, it took time. Like I I, you know, of course,
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  you know, I took a year just to figure out things because I
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  didn't want to. You know, they say not to make
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  any big changes after something horrific happens in your life
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  for that first year. And I didn't want to do anything
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  that was going to like hurt my family or anything like that
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  either. It was just, it really did.
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  It painted things in a different light for me.
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  And it also speaks though where I was at too, like I was not in
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  it anymore to win it right in that field.
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  And it wasn't necessarily because they did follow
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  protocols and procedures exactly how you know, legally you have
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  to follow them. So they did all of those things
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  like they did the minimum, you know, which is fine.
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  But it is like and that's great. Like I'm not saying I'm.
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  I'm at least grateful for that, right.
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  But in the same sense though, it did.
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  And I honestly wouldn't take back my journey either, because
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  it did lead me to where I am today.
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  And it helped me to really open my eyes to see.
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  Because I might not have, you know, founded Chasing the
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  rainbows or started this if it wasn't for that.
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  So you know, I do hold on to that gratitude of it.
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  Yeah, that's a great perspective.
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  And I think that's that's a good way to look at everything in
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  life is, you know, looking back and like, gosh, this, this and
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  this happened and look what it look, look what became of it and
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  seeing the positive in it. Yeah.
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  And everything was like a stepping stone and led me to
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  here today. So and you know, I think also
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  too then it had me question as well, like how do I spend that
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  free time that I have, right, Like my evenings and my weekends
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  And that was a huge thing. And who do I share with?
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  And so, you know, looking at everything, it's like, if I
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  don't want to go do something or if I didn't like, if it wasn't
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  going to fill up my cup, I'm not going to go do it.
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  And and there's things like as a parent and as a spouse, you
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  know, you need to do and to support one another and those
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  kind of things. I understand that.
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  And of course I'm going to show up.
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  But it's a different way of living, though, because you want
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  to be present. You're there physically, and
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  you're like, you disconnect from everything else around and you
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  make those solid memories. And like, I am so much more
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  present with my family today than I ever have been and
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  disconnected from technology. And you know, all those things
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  outside of work because of realizing I need taken every
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  moment I can, because I don't know what's going to happen
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  tomorrow, you know, from our losses.
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  Yeah, it's so true. And I I found.
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  So after going through our losses, I found my no voice
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  because prior to that I was like you want to do this?
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  Yes. Can you handle this?
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  Yes. Can you do this?
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  Yes. Like I was that person where I
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  would take it on and take it on. And like after I went through
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  these losses I started saying no.
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  And there is. So there's nothing wrong with
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  saying no. You should say no.
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  Like you, you cannot take on And this is where living
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  intentionally comes into play because you know I and and the
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  other thing is like my husband and I.
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  So we would go hang out with friends and do this and that and
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  like we are that couple now who would want to just sit at home
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  together and just be at our house.
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  And like we don't, you know, not that we don't occasionally like
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  going out, but we would much rather spend time with each
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  other together without anybody else.
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  And like that's our happy place. And that kind of I think all
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  stemmed from our losses because we weren't always like that.
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  And now that's exactly how we are and it's just us being
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  intentional and like we enjoy our time together and we and we
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  make sure that that's a priority and just kind of you know,
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  prioritizing family and again those things that are most
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  important to us. Well, exactly right.
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  And you know what's interesting as the whole no concept, right
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  Early on, and I've been told this before, you know, and
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  someone who's, you know, had a huge impact on my life.
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  No is a complete sentence. And I do not need to explain
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  myself. And that's what's interesting
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  because every time I would say no or like, I felt like I had to
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  have an excuse to not do something for somebody.
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  And then I would really like drag it out and I would be like,
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  OK, this is reasons why. And it's like, why am I
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  explaining myself why do I have to do this and realizing that
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  it's OK to just to say no. And I I setting those healthy
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  boundaries is so important that I learned that through losing
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  Brooke. Yeah, for sure.
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  No, I I agree saying no and I used to do that too.
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  Like no. But it's because I have this and
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  I think it's because we feel guilty for saying no.
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  But 100% no is a complete sentence and I have found that
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  it is pretty well received because honestly, like the more
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  you say, the more it sounds like an excuse, like you're not
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  telling. The truth?
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  Yes, yeah. No, no, I'm so sorry.
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  I can't do it this time period. No.
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  Yep. And that's it.
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  Just. Nope, Nope.
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  And and and honestly, I think because of the amount of guilt,
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  blame and shame that I felt right after losing Brooke
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  Wright, that fuels our traumas, fuels our losses and things like
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  that, that saying no doesn't feel as guilty as those feelings
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  did. So I I have a lot.
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  I'm saying no. I.
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  Think that's right. Like I I really think that's
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  probably what it is is I mean that's that was a good point.
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  Yeah, and you know what's interesting is too, when you're
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  saying this about like your hubby and like you guys like now
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  saying and we do take out a lot, we used to go out to restaurants
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  and want to do date nights. Like a Friday nights are our
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  date nights and we've always done that, especially when we
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  were going through secondary infertility to like keep the
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  romance alive, you know, Yeah, different things, 'cause you
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  know, we're trying to like, yeah, you know, but anyways and
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  and it's like like wine, dine, we, you know, like cotton.
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  But, but it is that. But then we've gotten to the
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  point now that we're like, OK, let's just go do like real
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  quick. Like let's order in something.
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  Let's do Grubhub, you know, or just keeping it simple because
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  we do love being home together in a room and actually
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  conversing like it is a whole. And it did take us OK.
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  So right after our loss, we were not good at that.
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  It took us several months to get back on the same page and on the
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  same track again and stuff. And because we struggled with
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  each of us grieving in such a different way, but it brought us
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  back so much stronger together and we really, truly do enjoy
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  each other. And it's like that to me, that
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  connection and feeling those connections with people.
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  And it's like I feel it with lost survivor mom community, you
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  know, I feel it with like other people that have been through
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  horrific losses. I also feel it with people
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  who've been through tragedy. Like, I just feel like they're
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  they're my people, you know, they get what true pain is, and
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  they're the ones that you know are the most empathetic and
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  compassionate people. And I'm like, you know, they're
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  that's who I want to spend my time with, who get me.
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  And I have to make excuses for myself for who I am or what I
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  do. They get it.
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  I don't even have to explain. Yourself or anything.
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  Yes, you. Don't have to.
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  Like you know, if you don't want to do something, you don't have
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  to explain yourself. They get it.
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  They totally get it because because this is really like, you
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  know, these thoughts and feelings of not wanting to go
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  out or not doing this that and it comes and goes.
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  But, like, there's definitely still, again, I'm 8 and 10 years
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  out from our losses. And like I I still have moments
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  and of like grief and sadness and you know these, and to be
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  surrounded by people who get that is so important.
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  Yes, agreed. And I think it also too goes to
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  say like not just like with the people in our lives and how we
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  spend our free time and stuff, but it's even like going to like
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  vacations and holidays and all those things too, like who where
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  are we going, what are we doing? And realistically, we usually
• 17:29
  just get a house on the beach. That's how we like to vacation
• 17:32
  and it's literally just on the beach in the house to eat lunch
• 17:37
  on the beach. Like it's very simple.
• 17:39
  We don't go anywhere. We we make the food in the
• 17:41
  house. But it is just like and it's
• 17:43
  like basically doing what we're doing at home but we're on the
• 17:45
  beach instead and laying out and collecting seashells and but
• 17:49
  it's living in those moments and fully like I used to have to
• 17:53
  like fill up our vacations. I was like we have to go go
• 17:55
  karting this day. We have to go mini golfing this
• 17:57
  day. We need to go out to this
• 17:58
  restaurant. We have to do this and that, and
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  to not live in that chaos, because all I'm seeking now is
• 18:04
  peace of everything you know in our lives that it's like it is
• 18:08
  so beautiful to live in that intention and meaning and
• 18:14
  purpose and all of it, like I just.
• 18:16
  And and soaking in the the simple moments.
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  And I think that's the other thing.
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  It's like I, you know, we I was always the same way too, very
• 18:25
  busy And and I still like, I mean I've got a full plate of
• 18:29
  stuff going on and like, but I still try to like, you know, my
• 18:34
  daughter loves to play Uno. I mean this is like she's 6,
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  like this is her thing. If we're not playing 15 games,
• 18:41
  games of Uno a day, like there's a problem.
• 18:44
  And she's just. Like, I try to sit there and
• 18:47
  play with her and just really try to be in the moment and the
• 18:51
  simplicity of just sitting there and playing a card game with my
• 18:54
  daughter. You know, like those are such
• 18:57
  great moments and like it's not the big, you know, plan to go
• 19:03
  here and there and do this and that.
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  It's the sitting at the table playing Uno with my daughter.
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  Like those are the moments now that are so precious.
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  Yes, and it is. It's that like deep connection
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  and it's like you said the simple things that are the
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  really truly the big things in our life.
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  And I almost, I feel like after we've gone through you know
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  trauma, tragedy, loss, just wanting those like we said, you
• 19:30
  know, that simple and you know peaceful.
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  It's it's like that's all we're really seeking after all the
• 19:39
  chaos and everything that we just had to live, you know, with
• 19:42
  and continue to learn how to live with.
• 19:45
  But now that it's, you know, after a couple years it's it's
• 19:48
  settled down a little bit. I mean, you know, like we
• 19:51
  mentioned good and bad moments and things still, but it's not
• 19:55
  that constant. Like I'm getting taken under by
• 19:57
  a wave now and it's like that's all I want is just like piece of
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  everything in our lives across the whole, entire board, you
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  know? Yeah.
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  Absolutely. And finding the joy in the in
• 20:08
  the simple and and and and also I think.
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  Appreciating when. Things are simple and everyone's
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  healthy, everyone's content, everyone you know, like before
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  you're like, OK, everyone's good.
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  Well now it's like everyone's good.
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  Like this is like you just appreciate that so much more.
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  Yes, because I felt like, like when you're in, well, for me,
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  like, you know, I don't want to speak for everybody, right.
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  But when I'm in that rat race of life, before we went through,
• 20:39
  you know, our losses and like I was going through the motions,
• 20:43
  like working 60 hours a week and constantly needed to be at a
• 20:46
  networking function and going out to dinner and doing this, an
• 20:50
  entertaining guess and all of these things.
• 20:53
  And it's like, I don't want none of that like anymore, you know,
• 20:57
  I just, I like like to me, that's not what life is about
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  anymore for me. And that's great if that is what
• 21:05
  it is for others. But I I almost took for granted,
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  like our health, for example. Like nothing really scared me
• 21:12
  with it before. And then last week, we all got
• 21:15
  the flu. And my son, you know, he's older
• 21:18
  and he started spiking some high fevers.
• 21:20
  And that like, really took me right back to.
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  And it was right around Brooke's birthday and it took me right
• 21:27
  there to like, Oh my goodness, something bad's going to happen
• 21:29
  from this. And so, like, I wasn't sleeping.
• 21:32
  I was like checking his temperatures all times.
• 21:34
  But it really like I was just afraid something worse was going
• 21:38
  to happen or come out of it And that's why I'm so grateful that
• 21:41
  it didn't. Because we hear horror stories,
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  right And we've lived it. We've lost our one of our
• 21:46
  children, you know, before or children like a, you know a few
• 21:50
  of them. And it's just like, how can I
• 21:53
  just get everybody back to a healthy, you know, stable, you
• 21:59
  know, way is really all I'm seeking now, right?
• 22:02
  Yeah. And and then when it happens,
• 22:05
  it's so like there's it's just like this contentment that fills
• 22:09
  your heart. You know, it's hard to explain,
• 22:12
  but it's just this like this piece that like all is well.
• 22:17
  Yes, parenting after loss is so difficult.
• 22:20
  I mean, yes, it's hard for us not to go to worst case scenario
• 22:23
  when we're. Living, you know, every time I
• 22:27
  yeah, I I just like this is a prime example.
• 22:30
  Like, my daughter was having headaches.
• 22:32
  She's got a brain tumor. Like, that's what I'm thinking.
• 22:34
  Like that's where my head goes. Like she's got a brain tumor.
• 22:37
  It's a headache. But to me, I know.
• 22:41
  I'm like, OK, like not thinking, oh, it's a headache to me.
• 22:44
  I'm like, oh, it's it's got to be a brain tumor.
• 22:47
  Right. It's just it's you know, and and
• 22:49
  it happens all the time, just like with your your son being
• 22:51
  sick and it's like, Oh my gosh, what's he's going to have a like
• 22:55
  a febrile seizure or something Like something horrible is going
• 22:58
  to happen because you know, oh. My goodness.
• 23:01
  Where we go? It is.
• 23:03
  And you know, what's interesting is how we found out we, like,
• 23:06
  our household was getting hit with the flu was I get a call
• 23:09
  from his school saying that his heart rate's 1/26.
• 23:11
  And I'm like, what? And then they were like, yeah, a
• 23:14
  couple hours before that, it was like 115.
• 23:16
  And I'm like, where was my phone call then, Like, and they said,
• 23:19
  well, he laid down. And then he was fine.
• 23:21
  And I was like, oh, my goodness. But my mind went straight, too.
• 23:24
  Something's going on with his heart, and I need to get him
• 23:28
  into urgent care emergency rooms.
• 23:29
  So I call our local hospital. Like, what do I do here?
• 23:31
  They got a doctor on the phone pretty immediately with me and
• 23:34
  then here by that time. Then the school calls me back
• 23:36
  and they're like, oh, we checked his temperature and he has a
• 23:38
  103. And I'm like, oh, there's the
• 23:40
  That's why his heart rate's, like, off the charts.
• 23:43
  He has a fever. It all makes sense.
• 23:44
  Now is why he's fighting something.
• 23:46
  But during the time, like, they were like, he had no other
• 23:49
  symptoms. I'm like no other symptoms.
• 23:51
  And he's dizzy. And he has like a 126, of
• 23:54
  course, you know. And like heart problems do come
• 23:57
  on really quick, you know? Yeah.
• 23:59
  Oh yes, I do. But then like it was like
• 24:02
  there's like couple minutes of adrenaline and it was just like,
• 24:04
  Oh my gosh, I need call an ambulance to go pick him up from
• 24:06
  school. Like, you know, it was just like
• 24:08
  level. Nine thing like and and it's
• 24:09
  like one of those things that how do we as survivors snap
• 24:13
  ourselves out of that Like if somebody has a trick let me know
• 24:17
  because it has been 10 years and I still do it.
• 24:19
  Like I, I, I get into this like headspace.
• 24:24
  That's worst case scenario. And it's really hard to like
• 24:29
  snap out of it and be like OK, let's think logically here.
• 24:32
  Like you know what are the chances that it's a heart
• 24:36
  condition in a 13 year old. Like you know what?
• 24:39
  Like you you just, but it's really, really, really hard
• 24:42
  after you have experienced something so traumatic to not go
• 24:47
  there. I wish there was like a magic
• 24:50
  potion or something to, like, drink in those moments where we
• 24:54
  could be like, oh, we're thinking clearly now because we
• 24:58
  certainly do not think clearly, Yes.
• 25:00
  No, no. And I go right down those rabbit
• 25:03
  holes, but I think that's also because these are traumas, you
• 25:07
  know. And we not only know the
• 25:10
  statistics, I am a statistic now, you know, I'm not, you
• 25:13
  know, one in four that lost the baby, you know, and it's like
• 25:15
  all those things and and it's like if it already happened to
• 25:20
  me, it can happen again. And that's the sad reality of it
• 25:23
  all. And I I honestly don't you know,
• 25:25
  know or yeah, I mean I would like to think I'm like the
• 25:29
  meditating type and you know, or or like you know, I can I can
• 25:33
  try to like do some breath work and do my dragon or you know,
• 25:36
  ocean breath in those moments. But they come on so quickly And
• 25:41
  then, you know, it does take me. And then it's like, OK, I think
• 25:44
  my husband's always like my voice of reason.
• 25:46
  Like I call him. And he's like, OK, let's like
• 25:49
  let's take A and I think. Take a breath.
• 25:52
  Yeah, I also think, like Bree, like you and, you know, other
• 25:55
  lost Survivor moms are my voice of reason.
• 25:57
  I can talk to them about this and they're like, I get where
• 25:59
  you're coming from. What did you think about this?
• 26:01
  Or because we have those moments and it happens frequently
• 26:05
  because. Well, you're in this fight or
• 26:07
  flight and when you're, I mean just me going into the medical
• 26:11
  part of it, there's chemical changes that are happening.
• 26:14
  And when you're in that fight or flight, there's really to get
• 26:19
  yourself out of it yourself is not typical.
• 26:22
  Usually it's triggered by something else, like a voice of
• 26:25
  reason or, you know, something like that.
• 26:28
  So yeah, having that person in your corner is definitely
• 26:32
  helpful in those situations. Yeah, agreed.
• 26:34
  Agreed. Well, and I think that's why
• 26:36
  it's so important like when I go to like support group, right,
• 26:38
  Like and. Yeah, a couple times.
• 26:40
  Yeah, it's like I go in there and I'm like, OK, I have this
• 26:43
  thought. And you know, what's interesting
• 26:44
  is they're like me too. Me too.
• 26:45
  Me too. And it's like, thank you.
• 26:47
  Like, it's not just like me and but then like hearing what
• 26:50
  they've done or like how they've like, you know, managed and and
• 26:55
  it's great, 'cause it's like, OK, I can find my own way maybe
• 26:57
  in these situations and well, and you know, sometimes it's
• 27:01
  worse than others, but like hearing a heart rate of 126,
• 27:04
  just like there goes my blood pressure.
• 27:07
  Yeah. And I think that's where
• 27:10
  empowering yourself with knowledge and listening to other
• 27:14
  survivors like I that's what I love about these support groups
• 27:17
  too, is like you're adding tools to your tool belt.
• 27:21
  Like every time like if your face 'cause you don't know, like
• 27:25
  you'll hear Survivor talk about a situation that maybe you
• 27:28
  haven't faced. But let's say six months down
• 27:30
  the road you face it, well, you're going to remember that
• 27:32
  little nugget of information that was planted into your brain
• 27:35
  that you're you can now use to help you through a situation so
• 27:39
  and and you could provide that for somebody else.
• 27:41
  So, like, that's what I love about that community.
• 27:44
  Right. And it is.
• 27:45
  It's hearing what others are doing and then forming your own
• 27:48
  way because, like, you know, you'll hear different stories,
• 27:51
  different ways that people did it.
• 27:52
  And then it's like, OK, well, let me try this way.
• 27:54
  Let me try that way or let me do this.
• 27:56
  And then you find your own. And that's what's really
• 27:58
  important because on any given day, I could need something
• 28:02
  completely different. One day I might need tough love.
• 28:04
  One day I just might need consoled, you know, like it's
• 28:07
  all those things. So it is just trying to find
• 28:10
  like what's going to work in that moment, you know,
• 28:12
  especially when there's overwhelming feelings come up
• 28:14
  like they do. But, you know, going back to
• 28:17
  like just to wrap this up with the like living intentionally,
• 28:22
  you know, also something that was really hard for me that I
• 28:25
  had to learn, especially after, you know, a couple days of
• 28:29
  grieving, then having to return to reality, life, work society
• 28:33
  out in public was needing to look at people's intentions and
• 28:38
  not the words and actions speak louder than words in these
• 28:42
  scenarios. And that's the thing too,
• 28:45
  because it was like what people showed up for me in those
• 28:47
  moments. And even if they didn't have the
• 28:49
  best words. Right.
• 28:50
  Because, like, people say things that they heard and other lost
• 28:53
  survivors say, and it can't be a candid phrase because it doesn't
• 28:56
  work for everybody. And one day I might say it and
• 28:58
  then the next I might not believe it, you know, But it is
• 29:01
  just like being that listening ear.
• 29:03
  But it's like what people actually showed up and were
• 29:06
  there and through it, like even to this day, like not ones that
• 29:11
  were there at the beginning for the first week or two and then,
• 29:13
  you know, disappear or ones that avoided me.
• 29:16
  You know you remember each of the people who were there, who
• 29:19
  avoided you, who said things like you do you it like is
• 29:24
  resonating with. Sticks with you?
• 29:26
  Yep, it does. It does.
• 29:27
  And it's it's like you're in your deepest, darkest moment and
• 29:32
  the words and the actions speak so loud because you're so in
• 29:40
  tuned, because you're so desperate to hear something or
• 29:44
  have something done that will make you feel better.
• 29:47
  So that when it doesn't happen, it has a bigger impact on you
• 29:54
  than it would if you weren't seeking peace so desperately.
• 30:00
  Yes, it's it's so true. And honestly I remember so much
• 30:06
  the people that would just sit with me and listen and allow me.
• 30:10
  And it's really people who have gone through, like I said
• 30:15
  before, you know, once I've gone through like this horrific
• 30:18
  losses and things like that, that understand pain and that
• 30:22
  just didn't shut you down, you know, Because I get it.
• 30:26
  The intentions are pure. People don't want to see you
• 30:28
  hurting. And they think by saying things
• 30:29
  like no, don't think that way or or no, no, Like they said, it
• 30:32
  wasn't your fault, or at least you have another child or, you
• 30:36
  know, God has a plan or everything happens for a reason.
• 30:39
  They're trying to say those things to, like, get you to
• 30:41
  change your mindset when realistically that's not
• 30:44
  helpful, 'cause now it makes me isolate and stuff.
• 30:46
  More 'cause now it's like, I can't talk to you about it,
• 30:49
  'cause now you're just going to always, like, not validate me
• 30:51
  and not, I don't feel seen and heard.
• 30:54
  Yeah. And it is really.
• 30:55
  Yeah, it really goes back to that, you know?
• 30:58
  Yeah. And I think that's that's the
• 30:59
  most important thing is like all of those things, their
• 31:02
  intentions are always so good and they're always trying to
• 31:08
  right give you like a fresh perspective.
• 31:10
  But when you're grieving, there is no changing your perspective.
• 31:15
  Like it is not something that it can be changed by somebody's
• 31:20
  words. It's something that has to morph
• 31:24
  over time that you process internally and you know and and
• 31:30
  that's why like you know I and I always like people people always
• 31:35
  say stuff and and that you kind of it's cringy and you're like
• 31:39
  Oh my gosh please don't say that but I know their hearts are like
• 31:45
  their intentions are good. It's just unless you've
• 31:49
  experienced that kind of grief, you don't quite understand that
• 31:52
  nothing you can say or do is going to change what's happening
• 31:55
  with me right now. So please just validate me and
• 31:58
  just be here with. Me.
• 32:00
  Don't try to change my thinking because it's not it.
• 32:03
  It just can't happen right now. Like that's got to come with
• 32:05
  from within myself. And I had also like realized
• 32:09
  like, who I could process out like out loud with, right?
• 32:12
  Like I actually talk about like my deepest fears, all of these
• 32:17
  things that are arising. And it really was like the
• 32:20
  blame, shame and guilt that I was feeling that I needed to
• 32:23
  keep getting out. Because if not, it was eating at
• 32:25
  me and I was like, if I just say this out loud, then maybe it
• 32:29
  takes, like we talked about, takes that power away from it.
• 32:31
  It also helps me with the healing process and the more I
• 32:34
  say it, then the less it has over me.
• 32:37
  And it really does come down to that and and just having that.
• 32:41
  It's not like I need you to do anything to fix this because
• 32:43
  it's not going to fix it. I just need you to sit here and
• 32:47
  listen to me as I just like word vomit all over you.
• 32:50
  And then I can go back to doing what I'm doing and like I just
• 32:54
  need that time almost to process this, you know, well and maybe
• 32:57
  even say that to somebody. Yeah, and just saying that to
• 33:01
  them, because I know for me I'm a fixer.
• 33:04
  Like if somebody comes to me crying about something, I'm
• 33:07
  like, what can I do to help? Like what can I, you know?
• 33:10
  So I think if if you have, if it's somebody you're comfortable
• 33:14
  with and just saying listen, I don't need you to say or do
• 33:17
  anything. I'm just going to like I just
• 33:18
  need to share how I'm feeling and so that they're like, OK,
• 33:22
  like I can do that like that's what you need, that's what I can
• 33:25
  do and and knowing that they don't need you to fix it.
• 33:29
  Yeah, that's exactly right. And it really does come down to,
• 33:33
  like I said, just, you know, getting it out and knowing who
• 33:36
  to do it with too and who you can trust and those safe spaces
• 33:40
  because that's the thing too. You know, I had to realize how
• 33:43
  to compartmentalize, you know, and especially in like
• 33:47
  professional settings versus personal settings and who was
• 33:50
  truly in my corner and then who wasn't, you know, And like just
• 33:54
  trying to, it was really hard at first to kind of cut through
• 33:57
  that fog because at the beginning you're just trying to
• 34:00
  make sense of anything you can in life because everything seems
• 34:03
  so out of control and chaotic. But then it's like, OK Then once
• 34:07
  you can like sit back and process and really look at
• 34:08
  things for what they are, it's like, OK now I get it And and
• 34:12
  you can truly see things for like it's comes out like more
• 34:15
  clearer and then you know, and keeps getting more clearer as
• 34:18
  time goes on. But yeah, definitely.
• 34:21
  Well, thank you so much, Brie, for being here today, you know.
• 34:25
  Yes. And thank you so much,
• 34:27
  listeners, for tuning in. We thank you.
• 34:30
  And please follow and subscribe to our podcast to help us reach
• 34:33
  more survivors so we can all come together as a community.
• 34:37
  We are always with you in fertility, miscarriage, still
• 34:41
  birth and infant lost survivors. So thank you so much.
• 34:45
  Thanks.