Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / How to Hold It Together While Falling Apart During Divorce

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How to Hold It Together While Falling Apart During Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to talk about something that feels or can feel almost impossible.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: Holding it all together while falling apart during divorce, or how to keep going in the hardest days of your divorce.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: How to keep going when it feels impossible, when your entire world has come undone.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you chose this divorce or it was chosen for you, the early days can feel like drowning.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're living in slow motion with your heart breaking into a million pieces, but you still have to show up.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: You still have to show up maybe for your kids at work, for your family.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Holding it all together while everything inside you, everything around you, feels like it's falling apart.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're here right now, I want you to know this: you are not weak because you're struggling, you are not failing because you can't think straight or remember why you walked into a room, or because you wake up every morning and for a split second you forget until it all comes crashing back in.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce, especially in those very early days, can be really traumatic, and it's an unraveling of everything, of everything you know, of everything you hoped for, of everything you planned.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not just the loss of that intimate partnership, that relationship.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps it's something that you've been grieving quietly for a while, even before the decision had been made.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Whether you made that decision for yourself, it was made for you, or you decided together.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is also the loss of the life you thought you'd have, the life you planned for, the life you were looking perhaps forward to.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's the loss of certainty, it's a loss of identity, it's a loss of feeling like you knew who you were and where you were going.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's a loss of an anchor in your life.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's the loss of belonging, of being one part of a team, even if, even if that team wasn't working the way you dreamt of or hoped it would, or the announcement that the team is disbanding came as a shock, right?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's grief, it's fear, it's sadness, it's overwhelm.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, sometimes even relief, all tangled together in a way that makes you uncertain, unsure of, and question everything.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And even when you're completely overwhelmed, you're feeling completely smashed by this, you still have to function, you still have to show up in your own life, you still have to get up, get dressed, pay the bills, show up to work, walk the dog, make the meals, eat, take care of children, you still have to respond to emails or reply to texts, and whether that's from just the broader world or from people who are hammering you and who perhaps don't really understand where you're at or what you're going through.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if this is you or you're remembering that time when that was you, or this was you, please hear this.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay that you are not okay, it is okay that you are feeling all of this, it is okay that you're feeling completely unable to show up in any other part of your life.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, that's pretty normal.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty normal that you are not okay and that nothing feels quite real or right.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing about that means you're doing it wrong or you're wrong.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: It just means you're human and you're doing something that is really, really hard that shakes everything and every part of you to the core.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's like throwing everything that you thought you knew, all the things you dreamt of, planned for, hoped for.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like throwing all of that up into the air and then seeing what happens when all those pieces fall back down to earth.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it is like your entire foundation is rocked, and what you've built your life on the beliefs, the hopes, the dreams, the very ground under your feet can't be trusted anymore.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is destabilizing, and I use that word a lot with my clients.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you've lost your anchor in the world in so many ways, and that happens even if you're the one to have made the final call and chosen the separation, chosen the divorce, because none of us do that or make that decision lightly or easily.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, practically, how do you keep going when your heart is shattered and your brain can't quite hold the truth of your reality because that's what it feels like, right?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, your heart's shattered, yes, your heart's broken.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if you there's a bit of relief, but also your brain's trying to catch up with what is now your reality.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So here are a few tips, suggestions, thoughts about how you keep going.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is just focus on the smallest possible next step.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to see the end, you don't have to see the top of the staircase, you don't have to think about next week or next month.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just ask yourself what needs to happen in the next 10 minutes.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Drink a glass of water, hold a warm cup of tea in your hands, get dressed, eat something, even if it's just a piece of toast.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Think about your spoons.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll drop a link to a social media post in the show notes, which explains what spoon theory is.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: But really, what I'm talking about is how much energy do you have, and where do you need to direct that energy?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's really important, what's priority, what needs to happen in the next 10 minutes, how much energy is that gonna take me?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is it something that is important?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I'm gonna spend the energy on it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: If it's something that it's not that's not so important, I'm not gonna use my units of energy, I'm not gonna use spoons on it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, if you don't know what spoon theory is, I would invite you to click through to the link in the show notes because it explains this process and this time really well, it gives you a reference, a framework.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: The second tip I would give you is create micro anchors in your day.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: As I said earlier, this is a really destabilizing moment.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: You've lost this anchoring relationship, this anchoring reference point in your life.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: So create for yourself micro anchors in each and every day.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: One or two simple rituals.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to add load, right?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is to ease the load, not add to it.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So keep it really simple.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Cup of tea in the same chair every morning, a walk around the block, or just to the end of the driveway and back every afternoon.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: These things can just give you a tiny slice of steadiness, of predictability, of routine when everything else feels uncertain.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Create micro or mini anchors in your day that you can tap into so you feel like there is structure, there is rhythm, there is routine, there is predictability.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the reasons we feel like, how do we hold it together, how do I keep going, is because there's no predictability anymore.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's not a lot of predictability.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: The next tip is build your scaffold, build your team around you, tell safe people what's really happening, not just the surface fluff level, yep, I'm fine, I'm doing fine.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Tell safe people, one or two, what's really happening.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to explain everything to everyone, but have one or two people you can call or you can text when you feel like you are swamped, going under, can't keep going.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a simple, I'm not okay right now.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Can you remind me I won't always feel this way?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something that I do offer my one-to-one clients, that touchstone or touch point where they can sit simply say, they simply message, not okay, or today is hard, or this is really shitty, or don't know what to do next.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: They have that support, that person to reach out to and to have acknowledgement or the mirror held up that yeah, this is really hard, and it's okay that you're finding this really hard.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: The last tip I would give you is give yourself permission to allow yourself to feel in small doses.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can't outrun your feelings forever, whether that's grief or rage or whatever it is, you can't squash it down, box it up, push it away, or prevent yourself from feeling it indefinitely.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: It will at some point come back to bite you.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I often remind my one-to-one clients that you can't actually schedule your own breakdown.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So let's not break down, let's allow ourselves or give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we need to feel, but in small doses, manageable doses.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you have a safe, quiet moment, let the tears come, let the rage rise, let whatever you know you need to feel, or even in whatever you don't know, you know, even if you don't know what it is, let the feeling surface and be witnessed, be seen, be felt.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling all the things doesn't make your decision wrong if you were the one to choose to leave.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you didn't choose this, feeling all the things also doesn't mean you know you deserved it or you're flawed or that something is wrong with you.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're grieving because you cared.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're grieving because this was significant and important relationship.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're grieving and sad because this is big and hard no matter how it began or who made the final call.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: It feels hard because it is.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And also remember that this rawness, this incapacity to hold it all, this won't last forever.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, this is one of the hardest stretches, but it does ease over time, and our capacity to show up, do life, does it does actually come back.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to tell you that it's worth it.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's worth being brave and doing the hard things even when your heart's breaking.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's worth feeling all the feelings and allowing all the rawness, even when it feels really uncomfortable.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's worth finding time, space to move forward so that you can stay open to life, to love, to possibility, even when the last thing you want right now is to feel anything more.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Loving doesn't always lead where we think it will.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: But that doesn't make what we've experienced, what we've shared, it doesn't make it wrong.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just means we're human.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: The stories that don't end in the perfect, happy ever after Disney fairy tale way still matter.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: You still matter.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: The heartbreak, the grief, these incredibly difficult, gut-wrenching moments are part of the full, messy, beautiful experience of being alive, of being human, and of loving, right?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Loss is unfortunately sometimes a part of loving.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it's worth it.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Trying is worth it, feeling is worth it, loving, even if it changes or ends, is still worth it.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: As is not shrinking yourself or shelving your needs or minimizing your dreams or constantly taking the safest route through life just because it's predictable.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is what it means to live and love fully, right?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So going back to that concept of spoons, you know, time is precious, our energy is sacred, we never get it back once it's spent.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So even though this season, this moment, this chapter of life is really, really hard, remind yourself that it is a season and don't deny yourself the chance to live a life, to live life and love in a way that feels real and true for you, even if it's hard, even if it's going to be different to what you imagine, even if it's not the life you thought you'd be living, you're worth that always.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for spending this time with me.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in the early days of your divorce, your separation, please go gently, be gentle with yourself and know that this season is temporary, this rawness does ease even if right now you feel it's all-consuming and never-ending.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Where you are right now is not the end.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is just a season, just one chapter of your story.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So take tiny steps, build in your mini micro anchors into your day.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Keep breathing, keep feeling, and reach out if you need help or support or someone to remind you that you're not alone.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's working with me or your own personal private scaffolding, reach out to connect.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're worth the effort that it takes to keep going.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're worth the chance to build something new.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: There is good coming for you once you are through this really hard season of holding it all together while everything else feels like it's falling apart.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here today.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've gained something from this episode.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, take care of you, take care of your tender heart.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,