Latest / The Priestess Temple Podcast / Ep 16: The Dark Truth About Hookup Culture
Transcript
- Embodied By Jenna: Hello and welcome to the Priestess Temple Podcast. I am your host and guide, Priestess Paradise Rain, helping you embody your dark feminine essence so you can manifest the body and relationship of your dreams. Whether you have just gone through a breakup or you're simply looking to reinvent yourself, this is the podcast for you. Where I share knowledge on womb wisdom, somatics, and identity work to help you do just that. Without further ado, let's get started. Today, I wanted to take a deep dive on the difference between desire and devotion when it comes to male and female relationships. Especially nowadays, I see so many more women remaining single yet deeply craving to have a devoted partnership with a man. However, there seems to be this disconnect between the sexes. Today, hookup culture is so common, and you see women who are hooking up with men in hopes that they are going to have a more intimate and fulfilling connection long term. Well, newsflash ladies, women form bonds through physical intimacy while men do not. And so I truly believe that this hookup culture is doing a great disservice to both women and men in today's relationship space. Especially now you see that people are having less sex than ever. The birth rate is declining. And I truly believe it's because so many women have participated in hookup culture. That promises them the liberation and fulfillment of having sex without having to be in a committed partnership. However, this has done so much more harm than good when we're thinking about male and female attachment styles and how we relate to one another for the long term. And so today, what am going to do is I am going to decode. Male and female attachment using science-based evidence to show why hookup culture is harmful. And I am also going to give you some tips on how to keep yourself safe because I have come to these conclusions through my own personal experience. Because, y'all, I am not perfect. Okay. I did not become a priestess who is devoted to the divine feminine. Without fucking around and finding out. And so I am going to tell you a juicy story about how hookup culture has harmed me so that you don't have to make the same mistakes that I did. And you can come out on the other side of this podcast understanding the science behind male and female attachment. So you can have more intimate and fulfilling relationships without making the same mistakes that I did. All right, let's get into it. So one night in Buffalo, New York, I was at a concert to see my favorite band, Umfreeze McGee. And as I was standing in the crowd at the after party, a girl comes up to me and she goes, my God, girl, you are so hot. And the guy next to you is really hot too. Did you guys come here together? Because you look like you would be an amazing couple. And I look at him and he looks at me and she looks at us. And we all start talking and laughing and having a good time. Turns out that this man was not from Buffalo. He was from Florida and was only in town for a business trip. And so he goes to the bar to get me a drink, and she talks to me and is like, girl. This is your chance. Are you gonna hook up with this guy tonight? And I was like, my God, I haven't even thought about that. And she was like, You should really consider this because that hookup, damn, that shit would be so hot between y'all. And so she kind of like planted this seed in my consciousness. You know, I had been lonely. I hadn't had sex with anyone in a while, and I was single at the time. But I wasn't really considering a hookup with this guy before she talked to me. And as the night went on, our chemistry grew and she was rooting us on. And eventually I asked this man to come back to my house. And he was like, my God, are you serious? And I was like, Yeah, why not? Here's the address. If you want, you can come and meet me there. And so he did. And this Tall, dark, handsome man showed up at my house, and I instantly ripped his shirt off, and we just had the funnest night ever. Okay. I'm not gonna give you any more juicy details. You can use your imagination, but after several hours, he ends up calling an Uber to go back to his hotel so he can get ready for work. And as he's leaving my house, he pulls the set list from the concert out of his pocket and he was like, Here, take this. I think you would appreciate it more than I do. and I was on cloud nine, y'all, because Humphreys McGee is one of my favorite bands. And out of all 50 concerts I had been to at that point, I did not have one set list. And this just felt like a Dream because I had sex with this gorgeous man who was from out of town who I was never gonna see again, or so I thought. And I just didn't want to take any emotional responsibility for the relationship. Okay. I was objectifying this man to fulfill my desire. And so I told him that if he ever came back to Buffalo for work, that he could hit me up. And I left it at that. But of course, we had a connection, and this man continued to text me, and things started to grow over time. And eventually we had this long-distance sexting relationship. And I was using him as an object to fulfill my desire. And he was using me to do the same. Now, eventually, he ended up cutting things off with me and ghosting me, and he disappeared into the background. And while I was a little sad, I knew that it wasn't gonna be anything serious. And so I moved on. Nine months went by and this man pops back up in my phone because, ladies, you know this, they always come back around. And so he had ghosted me and I wasn't expecting anything serious from him. In fact, I was like hesitant to even text him back. he asked if I was going to any Umfries McGee shows that year. And I was like, no, I don't think so. Are you going to any? And he was like, Yeah, I'm actually going to Hrees McGee in Boston. And I have an extra ticket. And I wanted to see if you were interested in coming with me And I was like, my gosh, are you serious? Like this man wants to fly me all the way out to Boston to go see my favorite band at a historic venue. And I was single and I was doing my own thing, and so I accepted. And so this man flew me out to Boston, and we just had the wildest weekend, y'all. So much hot, steamy sex in the hotel room. He took me out to lobster dinners, and literally just showed me such an amazing time. And again, I was feeling so good. I was on cloud nine after having this wonderful weekend with him. And so I flew home and we parted ways, but shortly after I got home, Things felt different. He was texting me less and less and being more avoidant. And I was so confused because I didn't understand what was going on after we had such a great entanglement. And so I was talking about my relationship with him to one of my coworkers, and she decided to look him up on Facebook. And lo and behold, this man was. Married. Y'all, I was shocked because I truly was just swept away by my own desire to have this experience with him. I didn't even consider looking into his Facebook. I had asked him if he was in a relationship, and he had said no. And so I left it at that, but lo and behold, I had just had an affair with a married man. And then this man proceeded to ghost me. And then as I'm getting ready to celebrate my birthday, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable down there. And I go to the doctor, and sure enough, I end up having bacterial vaginosis. And the reason I am telling you this right now is. Is because I feel like some of you ladies can relate when you are just trying to have fun with a guy and not take things too seriously, but then you are the one who is suffering the majority of the consequences from this hookup culture that was supposed to liberate you. Well, instead gives you a vaginal infection and a bunch of trauma, especially because of how the female body is designed to attach. You see, after that fun weekend, I was feeling so drained and so depleted. And I had realized that I had gave a lot more in that relationship. Than I had received, even though he spent thousands of dollars on me, right? And flew me out to Boston. It took me months to recover from that because of the vaginal infection and because of how emotionally invested I had gotten with this man. You see, because the science behind male and female attachment is quite different. Women attach to men through having sex. When we have sex with a man, the hormone oxytocin is released. And oxytocin is the love hormone. Not only is it released during sex for women, but it's also released during childbirth and breastfeeding, and when you are skin to skin with your baby. And so as women, When we have sex with a man, it makes us prefer that man in our mind. It clouds our judgment and it makes us blind to some of the red flag behaviors that these men are exhibiting. And trust me, y'all, I take Full radical responsibility for engaging in that relationship. There were many red flags that occurred, like him ghosting me the first time and him reappearing back in my life all of a sudden. I knew that this was not a safe connection. However, my desire to be perceived as desirable by a man was so strong. That I ignored my gut feelings and participated in the hookup culture, anyways. And you see, I think this is why, as women, so many of us are feeling burned and hurt by the current dating scene. Because in our late stage capitalistic patriarchal society, everything is done in a rush and everything is structured to benefit men. And so hookup culture drastically benefits men because it gives them access to women's bodies and women's highly valuable sexual energy without having to take any long-term responsibility. Which is why you see men and women struggling so much when it comes to the current dating and relationship market, okay, because men bond with women in a completely different way. And it is not through having sex, and it is not through rushing to get to intimacy soon after the relationship begins. You see, men bond to women through the hormone vasopressin, and vasopressin is the problem solving hormone. This is why the courting phase is so important. When we're thinking about developing bonds between men and women for the long term, for a man to truly express his devotion for you, there needs to be a longstanding period of time where you can work through problems and challenges and struggles together with you as his teammate. to come out better on the other side because of it. And so hookup culture completely takes this process of male bonding out of the equation. And you see this so commonly in today's dating space where men will have sex and the relationship completely falls off. When you're participating in hookup culture, men don't have the opportunity to work through vasopress and bonding It takes time and it takes consistency and it takes serious devotion on behalf of you and behalf of your partner to get a man into that bonding space. And so here's a few tips to help you avoid getting burned by hookup culture so that you can have more intimate and fulfilling relationships in the future. First tip before you engage with a man, know what the fuck you want, okay? From my story about that hookup, you can learn a valuable lesson here, okay? Because I was influenced by that girl to hook up with that guy. Again, I am an adult. I make my own decisions. I made the decision to hook up with him, It wasn't my initial desire to have that kind of interaction with that man. However, My desire overcame me, and eventually I just started to use that man as a way to have my own needs met. And so the second thing I want you to think about is once you know what the fuck you want, how can you be of service to the other person? I think in our late stage capitalistic society. We are so used to commodifying people and stripping them of their humanity. You have to realize that the other human who's in a relationship with you has thoughts and needs and wants and desires just like you. They have emotions. And so instead of thinking about what is in it for me in this relationship, think about how I can provide the other person. with something that is in equitable exchange to what they are giving me. I truly believe that hookup culture makes us more selfish, but not in a good way, because we're thinking about getting our own needs met with actually considering the long-term fulfillment of the other person that is within the dynamic to us. And then finally, take into account the biological differences between men and women and our attachment styles now that you know this information. Because, ladies, there is no shame in having a one-night stand or a quick hookup. Okay. I've been there, I've done it, I shared my story with you. But at the end of the day, you have to realize that once you have sex with a man, it is going to change your brain chemistry and it is going to bond you to him through the release of oxytocin in your brain. And so if you want to have a quick fling, have a quick fling, but know that you are probably going to be giving a lot more energy in that interaction than the man will because of how your body forms attachments. And if you truly, truly desire to have a devoted partnership with a man, then maybe consider. What you now know about attachment styles and how men form deep bonds through the release of vasopressin, the problem-solving hormone. You see, this courting phase has been the societal norm for a long time for a reason. You need to provide men with opportunities to step up and to take care of you, to solve problems with you, and to come out better together on the other side. I truly believe that today's modern economy with OnlyFans models and Tinder hookup apps. Is stacked against both women and men because it robs them of the opportunity to form a deep bond with a woman through vasopressin bonding. And so I, for one, am not here to point the finger. At men or at women, but rather I'm here to point the finger at the system, at our society, at the way that we live in late-stage capitalism and patriarchy to make you realize that as humans, the reason why we are struggling with relationships at this moment in time is because these systems strip us of our humanity and minimize us to commodities that need to be bought and sold. And it's causing there to be a lot of fear and finger pointing between men and women. So I for one am not here to point the finger at an entire gender, But rather I just like to bring awareness to some of these dark psychological and societal truths so that you can think about your life and your values to determine what is accepted as the norm is really the thing that is going to best serve you. I, for one, am not participating in hookup culture because I saw it drain my life force. I saw it leave me feeling attached and emotional and deeply unfulfilled When I had that entanglement with that man but I want you to know as well, there's no shame. And I truly believe that we have to live and we have to learn and we have to make mistakes to come out better on the other side. And so I hope this conversation was entertaining for you and gave you some food for thought about desire and devotion so that you can use this information on male and female bonding to have more intimate and fulfilling relationships in the long term. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of the Priestess Temple Podcast. If you are looking for extra support as you move through a breakup, well, my post-breakup goddess glow up audio course offers just that. I share dark secrets of male dating psychology and information about womb energetics to help you have a glow-up in record time. Time so you can call in the devoted love that you desire. It is only $27. And the link is in the description below. If you enjoyed this show, comment, subscribe, and be sure to share with members of your community so we can continue having these amazing conversations every week. I will see you next Thursday. And until then, remember you are. The goddess.