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The Reset You Actually Need - Day 9. Less proving, More Choosing · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to episode nine of
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: our mini series The Reset that You Actually Need. So
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: I can't believe we're at episode nine. We're nearly at
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: the end, and as of next week, we're going to
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: go back to regular programming slightly different though next week.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: A little quick rundown of what's going to happen which
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: is going to be slightly different is that from next
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: week it's still going to be the two episodes to the
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Monday normal episode where I pick a topic and it's
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: just me talking about the topic, teaching you guys. Most
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: of the time there'll be a brain fact all of
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: the same. Friday is still Head Noise, but I'm adding
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: a second Head Noise episode on the Wednesday because we're
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: getting so many questions and I feel like the Head
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Noise episodes are getting more and more and more popular.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: People are really resonating, and that way, it gives me
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: the opportunities sometimes if there's like a bigger question or
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: like a kind of a intense topic, it gives me
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: the opportunity to delve deeper and spend a little bit
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: more time on particular questions if need be. So we
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: are going to be adding a second Head Noise, two
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Head Noise episodes a week, and then the normal Monday episode.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: So that's what's happening as of next week, which will
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: be kind of pretty much our regular programming just bonus. Anyway,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: that is all I have to tell you for a
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: LAFE up date. I want to get straight into the
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: episode topic of today, because we are talking about less proving,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: more choosing. This is something that is going to really
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: help you start to round out all the things that
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I've been speaking about in the last eight days and
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: kind of really put into practice the things that are
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: going to be talking about over the coming weeks moving forward,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: and literally over the past five hundred plus episodes that
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: I've put out. Okay, so pretty much the core thing
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: theme of this episode is about your self worth and
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  Speaker 1: the idea that when you stop trying to prove your
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  Speaker 1: self worth to other people and to yourself, to strangers
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: and to people that you know, your decisions are a
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: lot quieter, but a lot more sure within yourself, and
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: they're a lot more powerful. What you choose to do
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: with your time, what you choose to do with your resources,
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  Speaker 1: it becomes something that's way more personal. Okay, So you
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: will start to look at your ability to make a
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: decision and how you choose things in a through a
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  Speaker 1: completely different lens. All right, So you can prove things
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  Speaker 1: to yourself. It's not about never being able to prove
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  Speaker 1: anything to yourself anymore. But make sure that when you
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: prove something to yourself, it is for the right reasons. Okay. So,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: for example, you could say I really wanted to prove
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: to myself that I was capable of finishing something I
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: was capable of following through. You know, I was capable
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  Speaker 1: of you know, whatever challenge that you'd set for yourself,
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  Speaker 1: and you want to say, now I know I've got
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  Speaker 1: to prove to myself that I can do it, so
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: then I can embark on something a bit harder next time. Okay. Not,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: you know, I want to prove to myself that my
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: ex still wants me, and therefore I'm going to start
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: putting first traps on my stories and having mental spirals
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  Speaker 1: every time I see that my X hasn't said myste
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  Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah. Okay, So there's healthy proving
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: and then there's proving that's really just going to make
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  Speaker 1: you start to spiral and it's all for the wrong reasons,
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  Speaker 1: because it's for this external validation ultimately. Okay, so let's
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: go through the points. I think I've got like five,
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: maybe more points, maybe ten. Who knows, No, I've got
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  Speaker 1: all these things written down. It's a bit of a
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  Speaker 1: shit shirt. So I'm just gonna roll with it. Point
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  Speaker 1: number one. Proving is a reaction and choosing is a position.
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  Speaker 1: When you are constantly trying to prove yourself to other people,
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  Speaker 1: it is in response to something. It is in reaction
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  Speaker 1: to something. I felt rejected, I felt abandoned, I felt
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  Speaker 1: fill in the blank. So therefore I need to do
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  Speaker 1: this action to get this reaction from somebody else. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: so it's this I'm waiting for a reaction. I'm kind
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: of left hanging until I see how this made other
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  Speaker 1: people feel or how they've responded. It's all hinging on
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  Speaker 1: someone being impressed, someone you know wanting you back, someone
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  Speaker 1: feeling that they've regretted something. You're trying to get something
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  Speaker 1: out of someone else, and then it's kind of swaying
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  Speaker 1: how you would normally behave, how you would normally act
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  Speaker 1: if you were just to act for yourself. Okay, so
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  Speaker 1: it's driven by external validation, approval, praise, reassurance, and choosing
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  Speaker 1: comes from this internal clarity. Like I've spoken about in
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  Speaker 1: the last few episodes in this mini series, how you
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: can start to increase that mental clarity through a whole
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: bunch of things. I'm not going to repeat myself. Please
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: go listen to the entire miniseries. They're only twenty minutes
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: each episode. But you start to gain more clarity, and
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  Speaker 1: then it becomes a lot easier to make choices that
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: are based on yourself. That's where you start to get
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  Speaker 1: that internal peace. That's when you start to feel that equilibrium,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: that nice balance in your life. That's where you start
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: to genuinely feel just happier. Okay, so if a decision
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: needs an audience, like if something that you do needs
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: an audience for it to really hit, then you're probably
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: trying to prove something and it's not really aligning with yourself. Now,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, there are going to be certain situations
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  Speaker 1: where it is necessary or probably just entertaining and fun
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  Speaker 1: to prove something to someone else, but make sure it's
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: not about the really deeper, more important things. Like it's
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  Speaker 1: fine if you're having an argument with someone and you're like,
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  Speaker 1: I need to prove that you're wrong because you're fucking wrong,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm going to search this and whatever. That's fine, Okay,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not talking about like, oh, you can't ever. No,
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  Speaker 1: I'm talking about things that have to do with your
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: self esteem, and when you try and prove yourself to
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  Speaker 1: other people for validation specifically, that's going to start to
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  Speaker 1: hurt your self esteem because you start to say, I
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: can't provide this for myself, I need to constantly be
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  Speaker 1: seeking it in other people. I need approval, I need validation,
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  Speaker 1: I need reassurance, and I can't do it for myself.
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  Speaker 1: I've got to find it in other people. So that's
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  Speaker 1: what we're talking about specifically. Number two, Proving keeps you
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  Speaker 1: very busy. It eats up your mental space that can
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: be used for other things. Whereas when you make when
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: you choose to do things for yourself, it really helps
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  Speaker 1: you progress forward in what it is that you're trying
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  Speaker 1: to do. It helps you make the right decisions for
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  Speaker 1: the future. You. Now, I'm going to use the example
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  Speaker 1: of people that have wronged you or your exes a lot,
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  Speaker 1: because I feel like that's a lot of the time
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: where we try and prove ourselves, or where you try
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  Speaker 1: and prove yourself to maybe family members as well. But
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  Speaker 1: you might say you want to do something with your
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: life where you want You've got all these ideas and dreams,
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  Speaker 1: but it's kind of conflicting with this desperate need to
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: have someone. Let's use the X as an example, so
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  Speaker 1: I'm not being too broad with my examples. Let's say
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: your X dumped you, and you're like, I want my
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: ex to regret dumping me, okay, and then this becomes
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  Speaker 1: a really big thing. I want them to regret it
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  Speaker 1: so much that even when I'm over them, I want
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: them to regret it. And they come walking back and
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  Speaker 1: I say, I don't want you anymore. And then you've
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: created this movie in your head and I think we've
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: all been there. I fucking have, and you know you
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: have this day dream about it, Okay. So then every
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: action that you take publicly or privately, you kind of
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: have in the back of your mind. Okay, wonder what
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  Speaker 1: my ex would think if I did this, I wonder.
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  Speaker 1: And then if if there's something that comes across as
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  Speaker 1: a bit quote unquote lame or cringe or whatever, you
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  Speaker 1: probably won't do that thing. Because you think, no, if
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  Speaker 1: my ex comes across my profile or sees me or whatever,
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  Speaker 1: I want them to be like, oh my god. So
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  Speaker 1: then you start taking actions specifically geared to make this
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  Speaker 1: person either you know, feel jealous or regret leaving you
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  Speaker 1: or whatever. So then your actions are painted with the
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  Speaker 1: brush of what you think they would like to see
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  Speaker 1: or what you think would impress them or would make
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  Speaker 1: them feel oh my god, she's actually still a catch,
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  Speaker 1: or he's actually you know, I should have never let
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  Speaker 1: him go, whatever it is, okay Versus if you thought
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to burn that fucking bridge, give a fuck
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  Speaker 1: what they think about me. What's actually going to help
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  Speaker 1: me progress forward? What's something that I could do that's
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: going to make me feel good? And then you think, well,
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  Speaker 1: there's this hobby that i'd really like to do. And
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  Speaker 1: my ex used to think that everyone who did that
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  Speaker 1: hobby was a loser. If you didn't care what your xplor,
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  Speaker 1: you'd think, well, fuck it, I'm still going to do
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  Speaker 1: that hobby. I think it's going to make me feel
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  Speaker 1: really good. I think maybe this is how I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to meet people, and it's going to you know, make
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  Speaker 1: me grow as a person. If you were thinking about
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: it through the lens of proving yourself, you'd think, oh, cringe, green, cringe,
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  Speaker 1: I couldn't my ex, Oh my god, no, no, no, no, no,
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  Speaker 1: they've got it, you know. So that's the example. You
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  Speaker 1: can apply that example through you know, ex, best friends,
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  Speaker 1: with family, with whatever. If you're always thinking, I want
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  Speaker 1: this person to see me under this lens where they
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  Speaker 1: think I'm either cool or all these other things, then
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  Speaker 1: it's going to kind of guide your behaviors and your actions.
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  Speaker 1: And you could go down this path for a very
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  Speaker 1: long time and then realize, wait a minute, I've been
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  Speaker 1: living on the terms of someone else who doesn't even
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: care if I exist anymore, instead of living on my terms. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: since number three, the need to prove often come from
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  Speaker 1: unresolved self doubt, if not always comes from unresolved self doubt.
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  Speaker 1: When you don't really trust your value or trust that
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  Speaker 1: your value is you know, good enough, then you're going
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  Speaker 1: to be outsourcing it to other people. I want to
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  Speaker 1: prove to my boss that I'm able to do these
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  Speaker 1: things on a daily basis. It's like, yeah, okay, you
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  Speaker 1: should be, you know, showing your worth in your workplace,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: but at the same time, if you're doing what you're
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: employed to do and you're getting the job done, this
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: feeling of like I need to prove myself. I need
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: to prove myself. I need to prove myself. You're basically
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: telling yourself constantly that you're needing to see this validation
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: in order to feel okay, in order to feel like
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: you're doing enough. Okay. It's people that are over explaining
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: themselves all the time. It's where you're overextending yourself, doing
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: more than what you probably should be doing or what
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: you can be doing if you know as far as like,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: you know, you're putting in extra hours, but ultimately it's
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: not really helping you out. You're not getting more money
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: for it. You're not you know, you're feeling more stressed.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: It's you staying in a place where you're not really
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  Speaker 1: chosen and staying and staying and staying and hoping that
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: you'll be chosen. Okay, So when you start to make
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: decisions for yourself, then that's where you kind of have
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: to you stop arguing your case. You're like, you know what,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna be me. I'm going to do my best.
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  Speaker 1: I can still do my best I can still show
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: that I'm you know, worthy of being here through my
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: work or through my decisions or through whatever, but I
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: don't have this mentality of like I need to prove
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: to them that this one you know, X y Z.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Proving also is like a bit of a toxic feeling. Okay,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: they're kind of proving that I'm talking about in this episode. Obviously,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: you know there's many proving that is not the case.
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  Speaker 1: But proving can be really toxic because it's this feeling
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  Speaker 1: of like I feel that, like that kind of anxiety
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  Speaker 1: that not good enough, that whatever, So like I really
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: want them to feel this way about me. I really
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: want to. And then it's this back and forth and
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: you get that when they finally can turn around and say,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: oh yeah that is good enough, Oh yeah, I do
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  Speaker 1: miss you, oh yeah whatever, you feel this instant sense
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: of validation and gratification. You're like, Okay, I feel really good.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: But then that lasts like a really short amount of time,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: and then again you're going into that seeking behavior seeking
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: seeking seeking. In really unhealthy relationships, this is the dynamic,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: the power dynamic, one that the dominant person in that
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: relationship dynamic is always making you prove yourself. So you're
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: always scrambling, always walking on eggshells. You're working your ass
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: off to get their approval. They're sitting on this throne
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: being like, I've got everything I need. They're the ones
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: like basically begging. They're the ones who are doing everything
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: that I want to do. They're doing everything for my approval.
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  Speaker 1: I just have to sit here and I don't have to,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: you know, put in much effort whatsoever. And then there's
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: the other person who's constantly groveling, constantly groveling, begging, begging,
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  Speaker 1: taking the bread crumbs. That's like an unhealthy relationship and
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: that's really really common that dynamic um number four. Proving
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  Speaker 1: invites negotiation, okay, and choosing sets your times. You the
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: one that sets your terms, and then if you want
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: to negotiate, you can. But every time you try and
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: prove something to your current partner, to your ex, to
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: your parents, to whatever, then it's kind of this negotiation.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: You're basically saying, oh, this is up for debate. You know,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I'm here for your approval, so I need to know,
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: like what you think about me and what you think
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: about my work. When you are making your decision, you're
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: telling people where it's at. You're telling people what you're
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: planning on doing. You're telling people where your head is at,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: whether they like it or not. Okay, boundaries feel a
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: lot easier when you're not asking for people to agree
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: with you. Well, boundaries are a lot easier. It's not
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: even a feeling. They are easier when you're asking people
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: when you're not asking for people to agree with you.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: If you are wanting people to agree with you, when
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: you are trying to set a boundary that's going to
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: protect you, then your boundaries are going to be what
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: these people want. Okay, you're going to always thinking that
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: people please a mentality of like, well, as long as
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: they're happy, then they're going to like me. And that's
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: not the case. How many times do you see people
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: that are like they have people walk all over them.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: They do not get more respect. Okay. People pleases. Unfortunately,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: even though the intention is to be accepted and loved. Unfortunately,
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: no matter how nice you are, your people pleasing does
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: not gain you more respect. We know that everyone knows
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: that from experience, and unfortunately you stay in the trap
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: of people pleasing because you think that the alternative of
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: standing your ground and saying what you want to do
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: or saying what you want or disagree is going to
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: make people dislike you, which ironically is not the case.
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  Speaker 1: People actually pause and think, oh, this person has self respect,
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  Speaker 1: I should probably respect them. Okay. Number five Choosing requires
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: tolerating discomfort. Okay, so this means that you have to
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: be okay with disappointing people at times. This is really
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: big with like couples and parents and things like that.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Your boss, you know, basically they ask you to stay back,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: and you know that staying back based on your boss.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Let's say you've got a shit cunt for a boss
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: and they are you to stay back unpaid, right, you
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: know that you're not gonna get more money. You know
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: that everyone else that has stayed back in the past,
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: and the times that you've stayed back in the past
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: has not given you this special like, oh my god,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: this person's gonna get a raise, they're gonna, you know,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: employ me, they're gonna like, they're gonna promote me, they're
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: gonna all these other things. Let's say you know this
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: for sure, but you don't want to disappoint them, so
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: they ask you to stay back, and you're like they're
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: never gonna promote me. This particular boss does not reward
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: this kind of work. But I keep staying back because
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: I just want them to like me. I just don't
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: want them to be like, oh, you're the dad of
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: the group. Oh of course you wouldn't stay back. Whatever.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: You have to be okay with disappointing someone like that, okay,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: because again, this people please a thing. They already don't
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: like you if they're taking the piss out of you
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: and asking you to do things that they wouldn't ask
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: other people to do. So you've got to be okay
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: with disappointing that kind of person. So if they ask
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: you to stay, let you say, you know what, I'm sorry,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I can't. I can't. It's five pm. I finished work.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: You know. If you want me to do more work,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: I can do that tomorrow. That's it. Okay. So you're
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: going to disappoint some people being misunderstood and just letting
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: that be how it is. You know, we're so terrified
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: of being misunderstood, and I think it's important to try
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: and explain yourself. Definitely, it's not just like oh, no
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: one needs to understand me. They can all get fucked
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: like we live in a community of people. I think
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: it's important to really value relationships with people. But there's
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: the kind of people that misunderstand you, and then you
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: explain yourself and then at the very least they seek
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: to understand or they let you know that you've been
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: heard and that they heard what you have to say,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: even if they don't agree. And then there's the other
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: people that you know, out to misinterpret and miscontrue what
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: misconstrue what you've said in order to kind of strengthen
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: their standpoint or like to strengthen their bias. And that's
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: when I think you've got to be okay with being misunderstood.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: If you can see where the conversation is going and
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: this person has no intention of trying to understand you,
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: you can say that they're trying to think about the
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: next thing they're going to say without listening. When you're
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: speaking that kind of thing, then you've got to be like, look,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I tried, I did my best. I tried to communicate.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: This person wasn't receptive to that communication. I have to
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: be okay with being misunderstood because if I try and
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: convince this person, they're kind of using a manipulation tactic already,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: they're acting like they don't understand, they're acting like so
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: then you're like you're begging, you're pleaving, you're begging. You're like, no, no, no,
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: I didn't mean that. I meant this, I meant it's fine.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: If after I've tried to explain myself, you still are
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: digging your heels in and don't want to see it
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: the way of explained it, there's nothing I can do
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: about it. There's really nothing I can do. And it
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: is a manipulation tactic to try and make someone feel
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: like you don't understand them or that you're misinterpreting repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: That's a way of making someone doubt themselves and doubt
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: their ability to communicate. Okay, so being misunderstood, it's okay
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: to be misunderstood. Choosing also means not being absolutely loved
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: by everyone. We all know that. And it also means
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: that at times you're going to have to walk away
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: without justification, without justifying why you walked away. Like I said,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: when possible, obviously, explain yourself, if you know, if it's
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, if X y Z, yes, explain yourself.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: But there's going to be times in your life where
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: you just need to walk away and people are gonna,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: you know, and especially in an unhealthy relationships, are going
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: to be like, oh, wait till I tell other people
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: what you did, or wait to a lot of cool
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: tell them, tell them, tell them, I need to walk away. Okay.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: So when you are trying to prove yourself, you're avoiding
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: discomfort even though it's causing you so much more discomfort
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: in the long term because you're not living on your terms,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: you're living on someone else's terms. But in the short term,
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: it is avoiding discomfort because you think, only if I
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: just do this, then they're like me, and then I'll
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: fee validated and then I'm okay, I'll survive last one
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: point number six. So this is this identity shift that happens.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: So it's when you say to yourself, I don't need
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: to convince I decide. So that's kind of like a
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: statement that I want you to say to yourself. If
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: you're someone that's like, oh my god, but I'm always
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: always trying to convince people. I'm always trying to prove
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: myself to people. I'm always stuck in this kind of zone.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: Say to yourself. I don't need to convince I need
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: to decide. I need to make the decisions on my terms,
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: especially if it's something about my own life, especially if
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: it doesn't involve the input of other people to make
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: this decision. Okay, the most confident people are not the
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: loudest in the room. Some might be, which is fine,
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: but a lot of the time they're not. So you
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: don't have to completely transform who you are. You might be,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: you know, a reserved introvert. You can still be the
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: most confident person in the room being that way. You
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: just need you know, you can be quiet but really clear,
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: and you can be way less reactive. Okay, And this
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: reset in today's episode isn't about becoming more impressive. It's
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: not about having to overhaul your personality. It's not about
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: any of that. It is just about becoming a little
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: bit more selective with your choices. When when you're about
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: to take action on something, ask yourself, is this motivated
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: by trying to prove myself to my ex or whoever
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: you might be trying to prove yourself to, or is
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: this action motivated because it's going to make me feel
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: good within my own skin, Because it's going to contribute
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: to my future, because it's going to contribute to my growth,
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: because it's going to be something fun that I just
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: want to do, because it's going to be something good
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: for my career. Always ask yourself, Am I uploading this
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: thing because I think it's great, I think I look good, whatever,
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: or because I'm trying to get my ex to slide
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: into my DMS? And then I'm going to ruin my
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: day because I'm going to be checking my DMS constantly
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: and if my ex hasn't slid in, then I'm not
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: going to enjoy the rest of the day. I'm not
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: going to enjoy this dinner that I'm going to with
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: my friends, I'm not gonna Okay, so by all means,
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: upload that first trap. But if it's in order to
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: get a reaction out of someone, in order to get
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: someone to message you, and then you your mind is
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: going to be there the whole time thinking, checking, checking, checking, checking,
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: then that's the wrong reason to do it. Okay, same
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: with pretty much everything that you are doing. So that's
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: what I mean about being becoming like really selective with
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: why you do what you do. If you're doing it
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: for you and you're not going to be spiraling after
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: you've done that action because you're waiting for someone's reaction.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Do it, great, that's the right reason to do it. Okay,
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: You've got to remind yourself that at the end of
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: the day, there's going to you know, like you'll be misunderstood,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: You're going to have people that disagree with you. You're
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: going to have you know, you can't be pleasing everyone,
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: it's just impossible. But you've got to remind yourself that
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: you're you're not on this earth to perform for other
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: people and for that performance to be like picked apart
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: by everyone else. Okay, it's your journey, it's a personal journey.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: So you've got to make sure that you're not wasting years.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: And we do literally waste years on this. There are
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: people that will waste years on like an unrequired love,
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: which is fucking outrageous, and trying to get their approval,
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: trying to like constantly seek their approval. So I want
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: you to really ask yourself, how much of this I'm
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: trying to prove I'm trying to prove is wasting your
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: time and it's wasting your kind of mental bandwidth to
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: do other things with your life. The moment you get
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: to that point in your life, you're like, you know what,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I'm done trying to prove myself. I'm done trying to
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: prove myself so this person falls in love with me.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: I'm done trying to prove myself so my parents can constantly,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: you know, be on this back and forth of like
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: we approve of you now, No, don't you've disappointed the family.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Oh no, you've disappointed the family with this threat dangling
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: that I'm going to disappoint you, or that you know
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: you're going to be disappointing your child. I'm done with
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: feeling that I'm embarrassing to my group of friends so
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: I've always going to be seeking their approval. I'm done
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: with that shit. I'm a fucking adult. I am an adult,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: and I'm done with that shit. So what is that
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: going to look like? That is the episode of today.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: Hopefully that's given you some food for thought. But you know,
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: when you're going to be taking action, you know, coming
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: into a fresh year, I really want you to be
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: taking action for yourself. I'm really thinking for yourself and
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: how that's going to benefit you. And doesn't matter what
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: you do. I'm not here to judge, who cares what
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: you do? Who cares? As long as you're doing it
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: for you, As long as you've got this thing being like, no, no, no,
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I'm doing it. I don't care if no one ever reacted.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: I felt good doing it. That's why you should do it.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is. Okay, first, trap, fucking whatever it is,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: go for it. As long as you're doing it for you.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: The moment you're doing it, you know, to get approval,
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: that's when it's going to start eroding, eroding, eroding at
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: your confidence, your self esteem. All the above, Okay, stunning,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: That is all. Keep the comments coming, love the comments.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: That is all for today. As always, remember be kind
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't take shit
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: get