Latest / The Rochelle Christiane Podcast / 191. The stories you tell yourself

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191. The stories you tell yourself · The Rochelle Christiane Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the emotional mastery podcast.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I am your host, rochelle.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I'm a holistic human design health coach and this is a space for human design and spiritual journey.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: It's not about being a master of your emotions, rather mastering the tools to self-wrangulate, to awakening yourself and remembering who you are.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Human design changed my life about five years ago and I've been learning and teaching the system ever since.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: This podcast is human design meets spirituality, meets astrology.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: You don't have to have a belief system to be here, just an open mind and curiosity.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: This is a journey of meeting yourself and awakening to your infinite potential.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Now let the magic begin.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of the emotional mastery podcast.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Today I'm talking to Sheena Tidwell, who is an intuitive healer and guide.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: She is a service-oriented person dedicated to helping others through her mastery of coaching, astrology, human design, reiki and Akashic records work.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: She focuses on compassionate approaches to exploring the inner landscape of self, providing support and guidance through the most difficult and dark terrain.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: She says every person's healing journey is unique and, through authenticity and presence, she is deeply honored to hold the space for those who are navigating the journey of self-discovery and healing.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Sheena is one of the six collaborators inside the collective which is launching on Monday.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Of course, all the information you need is down below, but we are so excited for this container, for this membership space, just because it's going to be magical.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: It already has been magical with Jesse Eccles in there and she has opened up the space to invite more collaborators and guides to share space and to create this collective, this Aquarian community of people that are just focused on entrepreneurship and self-discovery.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Human design, astrology, all the things, akashic records, reiki there's so much in there moon circles, all the things.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Our first call is Monday, march 25th, and of course, that is the lunar full moon.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Timing, of course, was divine, because we did not plan for that to be on the lunar eclipse, but it just happened that way.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: This conversation was just really, really beautiful.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: This was me getting to know Sheena as well, and you are all going to get to know her at the same time.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Her story is painful and beautiful and traumatic and just her journey is really inspiring.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: It was really fun to just hear her story and get to know her on this personal level.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I know I'll be getting to know her more as the time goes by, as we are both in this collective experience the energy lately, so we moved into Aerie season.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: It is officially Aerie season.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: We are officially out of Pisces season.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Pisces season felt very.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: You know, pisces rules the 12th house.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: It is the subconscious, it is all the things unseen.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: It is just, yeah, the subconscious work.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: A lot has been coming up, a lot has been cycling around, a lot has been.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: It's been really interesting time and I'm not sure I yet have the words to describe what I've been moving through, but there's been a lot of relationship stuff coming up.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Of course, aquarius is still doing its thing and I have Aquarius in my 7th house.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Also Aries and Taurus.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: So the next two seasons are both ruled by Mars and Venus, aries and Libra.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Aries is ruled by Mars and then Taurus is ruled by Venus, libra is ruled by Venus and Scorpio is ruled by Mars, as well as Pluto.
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: This sort of relationship themes and energy, I mean, I think, collectively, it's always a thing, because relationships are our biggest teachers and our biggest mirrors and we are humans and we thrive in relationships and we're seeking relationships and we want to be seen and loved and wanted and all the things that come along with beautiful, supportive relationships and, you know, oftentimes not beautiful and supportive relationships, and those are our lessons as well.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: And so, yeah, a lot of relationship stuff has been coming up and just I feel like through what has been surfacing because for me, pisces is in my 8th house, so there's a lot of depth and sometimes a lot of darkness in there and so, because it is subconscious, but it's been things that have been coming to the surface that I've really been witnessing and noticing a lot around just valuing myself and my self worth and understanding and acceptance.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: I feel like, honestly, that has been my biggest lesson of the lot of Pisces season is accepting the darkness and accepting the pieces of myself that sometimes we want to push away, right, sometimes we don't want to face or we don't want to admit.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: And I've been seeing these things coming up and being like that's interesting, I could reject this part of myself or I could sit with it and I can face it and I can allow it and just be.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: And I think I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about human design and the person speaking was talking about how the first few years of human design is this learning phase, where you're learning the information, you're trying to intellectually understand it, you're looking at charts of those around you and there comes a point where it stops being a mental learning thing and we can actually move into the actual experiment of it.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I feel like now that I'm in year five of my experiment, my experience, I feel like I'm able to integrate it and body it and learn it in a very different way.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: And it also feels like this point where I have released this mental control thing, like I that word of surrender that we hear so much about, that I was so resistant to, is like I don't know how to surrender.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Show me how to surrender Right, and in that it's like creating this, like friction.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: But I feel like recently it's just.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: It really is what it is and I doesn't.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: It makes things easier in the sense that I can witness and not attach to what's happening, what I'm moving through.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: It's just been really interesting and, like I said, I don't quite yet have all the words to describe what I've been going through, but it just feels like this sort of magical time where I am just being.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I'm being in myself, I'm being in my experience, I'm allowing things to happen, I'm surrendering more to what is and, although there are moments where I'm triggered, there are moments where I find myself repeating patterns, but I'm viewing it.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: It's like I'm watching a movie, almost, and I'm not making it mean anything about me, because I think when we make it mean something about us, we're not doomed.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: But we can easily repeat those patterns over and over and over, because we're like, oh my gosh, I did it this time and it means this and my past and this and all the things, and it's taken me a long, long, long time to get here.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Trust me, this has been years of work that, I feel like, is finally paying off, I guess, or just allowing me to process in a different way.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: And it's not to say that I'm not going to have moments where I find myself in a low and I go back to the ways and attach to the old stories, and of course that happens.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: But generally, overall, over the last month, even in my lows, I've just been sort of watching it, yeah, and just kind of like.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: It's almost like.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: It's almost like not entered yet almost entertaining, right when I'm just like watching the story, but yeah, so I'm going to make this introduction real quick because this is a longer episode, but it is so good and again I just I want to show appreciation for Sheena for being so vulnerable in sharing her story with you, with me, with all of us and it is, at times, a hard story to listen to just because I think there is a lot of pain in this world and for people who are so brave and courageous and vulnerable to share that.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: There is a lot of healing there, and so I hope that you enjoy this episode and you can reach out to Sheena or I on social media.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Instagram is roshelchrshancom TikTok roshelchrshan and YouTube is at Emotional Mastery Podcast.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: All the information you need is down below.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Please join us inside the collective.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited for this container.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: It's really going to be amazing.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I have my first.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: My first personal live call will be April 4th.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: It's on emotions and human design and you don't need to be emotional authority to be there.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: It is just the mechanics of emotions within your design and all the things that go along with that self-regulation and, yeah, it's going to be really cool.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I'm really excited for it.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: So that'll be the first call that I'm personally hosting, but there are so many other calls and resources and the community in there that I'm really excited to jump into and dive into.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: So join us.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: The link is below and anything else you need to know as well.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Emotional Mastery Podcast.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Today I have Sheena Tidwell, who is an intuitive guide, reiki Master and podcast host, and we are starting this thing inside the collective you might have heard me talk about on podcasts on Instagram.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: There are six of us in there and it's such a beautiful container and I love just like connecting with people from all over, and especially in this space, because I think that going through this journey, it can feel really lonely at times.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I know for myself some of those beautiful connections I've made have been on Instagram People I've never actually met in real life, and so people say a whole bunch of negative things about social media, but I think there's so much beauty in it as well.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: But I'm going to hand the floor to you for you to just tell your story and how you got to where you're at today, and then we can dive into all the things that you do, and then the collective and anything else that comes up.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: Okay, that sounds good.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: I just want to echo also what you've said.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: I think that it's so fascinating to.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: I'm almost 40.
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: And so I grew up in the era of like stranger danger and, like you, don't talk to people on the internet, being in middle school and high school and being kind of afraid of what that was Like, what could that potentially hold.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: And now some of my best friends are like strangers from the internet.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah right.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: I know it's such a weird thing.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: I'm also that, I'm just about to be 38 too, and I remember, like AOL, when we would type in like yeah.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: What was it AS location, like age sex location?
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: right ASL yeah.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: And now it's like you know my daughter's 13, but she like downloaded Discord and I'm like who are you talking to on that?
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And I'm like really it's no different than what we did, except now I feel like the technology is a little bit more advanced for like location.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean To like find somebody.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: But I mean I remember telling people things on the internet at that age that I never should have said, but you know for sure.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, I feel the same way.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: That's kind of funny.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like I just don't.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: It's hard to know where to start, right, like I've always kind of said that like I think really like the awakening started a lot earlier than I ever thought that it did, right, and some of that actually came from a couple of instances in the collective, like being a member there for the last two years and kind of going through these reverse transit readings and just talking to some of the other people there in the group.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Everybody's perspective really helps you to take things from a different angle, right.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Like to take things in and look at them from a different perspective.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: And in human design I have an open head, so I really love, like, all of the new perspective and new ways to look at things, and it's almost like you have as an individual, like who we are as a person, is this multifaceted stone and in a lot of ways, I think sometimes the perspective from somebody else allows you the opportunity to turn that stone in a way you never thought to before, and the way the light now refracts is completely different, right.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: So I've had a lot of these experiences luckily, you know, in the last couple of years that have really challenged the way that I've always told my story but also have allowed me to find more of those moments of magic and more of those moments of light where everything really felt super heavy.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: So with that, I guess I'll say that I think my story started pretty young.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: I remember growing up.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: I have a ton of trauma in my background.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: I went through some pretty severe abuse as a kid.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: There were times where I didn't know where, like, my next meal was coming from.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: I was left to home alone a lot.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: But I was a very self-sufficient kid, like my mom didn't have to worry about me, and it was like the late 80s, like it wasn't really what am I going to get up to right, like I'm six, you know.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: So it was a different world and I think I think too, one of those really interesting lenses that I've been able to look at things through is that my mom also had trauma, you know, and now, to be able to look at it from that space, I'm like, okay, I can see.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I can see what she was probably going through and like she probably wasn't 100% ready for me, like she was pretty young when she had me.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: So you know, all of those things considered, I went through a lot as a kid and I think by the time, by the time I reached 10, I was probably 30, because I had gone through so much stuff, my parents got divorced when I was super young.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: After that happened, I found out that my dad was a different person than who my mother had been married to.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: And it's kind of a funny story because around the age of six, I had convinced myself that I was adopted because I look nothing like my siblings.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: But that's because I have a different dad and I just didn't know.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: And so I was like someday my real family is going to come get me.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: And it's so sad because, like, at the end of the day, like your family, is your family right?
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: You get what you have and sometimes that sucks and sometimes you have to set boundaries and do a lot of work around that and then, over time, I think, having set those boundaries and learned, you know how to navigate some of those difficult conversations or maybe hold space for some of the things that other people were going through and not have it be.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: You know all about me.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: It was a lot easier to be around those people.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: It was a lot easier to renegotiate what those boundaries actually were and do things you know that were better for all of us as a whole.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: So yeah, that's kind of where it all begins.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: I grew up in a very small town.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: The predominant faith here is LDS or Mormon.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: I was aware of the church growing up.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I was not a super active part of it.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: My parents were.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: My mom was an addict.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: My childhood she always.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: There was always some kind of substance in my house.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: There was a lot of smoking.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: There was a lot of parties, a lot of strangers in my house that I didn't know.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: Her first husband still to this day like really struggles with addiction.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: So it's been.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: It's been really hard to see people you know that are part of your life, that you love, go through such difficult things.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: So I'm the oldest of all the kids in my family.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: There's three siblings with my mom's first husband and two with her second husband.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: When they got divorced I, when my mom and her first husband got divorced, I lost my siblings.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: So essentially, you know, my whole family unit was destructed and it was like starting over.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Like that was really hard and I remember going into that second marriage pretty salty about everything.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: I was like why should I care?
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: Like, why should I connect with people Like they're just going to leave me and that was kind of a recurring thing like throughout my life.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: That's one thing that's really nice is having having like the lens of astrology and like human design and gene cases.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: Take a look at those things Like it's easier to not take it so personal, you know, and not carry that wound at such a deep level, I think.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: But yeah, like I met my birth father when I was about eight and a half.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: I spent Christmas with him and his wife at the time and he was kind of in and out of my life for a couple of years and by the time I hit 16, I was like I just can't do this inconsistent stuff.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: You know I I need somebody who's going to be there for me all the time or not at all.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: And I told him that and he just disappeared.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: So I didn't see him again, for I think it was 13 years before I saw him again and when I saw him he didn't recognize me.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: So I just took that, you know, as my sign that this isn't meant to be and moved on.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: And it was.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: It was kind of rough.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: You know there's there's a lot of parts within that that still I don't fully understand and I don't know that I ever will.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And and I think that's harder than what you go through as a kid like like as an adult, looking back with the knowledge of being a parent myself and and the love that I feel for my children.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: That's the part that I find a very hard time wrestling, you know, through that stuff.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, I went through that, met my husband when I was 17.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: I was still in high school.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: I was a senior in high school.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: I had never wanted to get married.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to family, mostly because I had that huge, you know, traumatic background that I was like I'm not going to do that to somebody else and I don't want to perpetuate any kind of suffering for another person.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: I was I was really struggling with substance use at the time.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: A small town like there's not a lot of things you can do.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: It's really easy to get mixed up in that stuff, especially with my family having the background that they did.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: So, you know, I I tried to deal with it the best that I could at the time and I'm still working through, like trying to give myself grace in that space, because sometimes looking back at that is still painful.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: You know, yeah, I met my husband.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: I was like no, like I'm not, I'm not getting married, like whatever.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: And he was, he was going through a divorce and so I was like we'll just be friends, but I've known him my whole life.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: That's the thing that was really funny.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Like I grew up literally through a hayfield away from him.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: So I like I've known him and his family my entire life and they were just the sweetest people.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I just love them.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: And you know, like that that night that I met him, I think my intuition knew and I just denied it and I was like no, there's no way.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Like this is not part of my plan.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: I have everything figured out like I should have.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I probably should have said in the beginning, like I have a capricorn stellium.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: So I'm a big planner, I'm big on like goals and dreams and like working to achieve those things.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: And so I had wanted to go into forensics and like be married to my job, and I was just going to, you know, go live on the East coast and get away from my family and have a different life right, and met my husband and everything changed.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: And I think it was less than six months and we were engaged and I was like what is happening, like this is so different than what I thought it would be.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: But I also had never I don't think I ever felt love like that before.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: Like I had dated people and I had, I like, love, my family or whatever, you know, like that's all different.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: But this was something else and I was like this is like undeniable, but at the same time like I'm logically trying to talk myself out of it because it's not according to the plan.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: So it's kind of weird.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: But yeah, we ended up getting married and he went in the military and that was rough and my family was not a safe space for me.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: So I moved in with his parents and got super close with his dad.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: His dad was such a sweet, caring man.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: We lost him to cancer about oh, I think it was 13 years ago.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: So he was.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: He was relatively young, you know.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: He was.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: I think he was only 74 when he passed away, so not super old, but he had lived a long life, you know, and I think he probably was 30 by the time.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: He was 10 too, so he was a, he was an old soul, but yeah, super sweet man helped take care of me, had a ton of complications with my pregnancy, with my daughter.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: He was there for me with that because my husband was gone to basic training and I really like relied on them and it totally reframed for me.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: What family is, you know?
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: It was interesting.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: And to see the relationship between my husband and his siblings was also really interesting.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: That I was like all siblings are like this.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: Like this is so different from what I had experienced because, you know, half of my family had disappeared when I was eight and I didn't have a relationship with them and then there's like this 10 and 12 year age gap between me and the siblings that I was close to.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: So it was just a huge learning experience for me.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: The other thing that was really interesting was during that time of living with his mom and dad, I had a lot of traumatic stuff that came up.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: I didn't realize that I had suppressed a lot of that.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: I knew that my childhood wasn't great, but I started having weird flashbacks and they're always at like the most inopportune times and I didn't really know what to do with that.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: That was hard.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: I also, after having our first child, had postpartum really bad.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: I was terrified of her.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to hold her, I was afraid that I was going to hurt her, and it made everything so much harder because there was this huge fear element in the whole thing and so there was kind of like this separation that took place between me and my oldest daughter when she was a baby, and I see how that affects her now, with the knowledge that I have in my now brain.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: I wish I could go back.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: I'm sure that a lot of people share that feeling, but I was so grateful to have my mother-in-law, because she was such a kind and nurturing person and she just stepped right in and took care of what needed to be taken care of, and I honestly couldn't have done it without her.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: So we kind of started trying to build our lives.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: When my daughter was two, we had a fire.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: We lost everything we owned, so that was rough, but it gave us a fresh start, sort of, and so we took everything that we had left, which was basically the clothes on our backs, and we moved to another part of the state so that my husband could go to school.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: And once we moved up there we found out that we were having another baby and shortly after we had our son and then my husband went through the police academy.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: So he went through the military and then I went through the police academy and I was like you kind of have a theme in your life.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: It was kind of intense, come to find out later like he's a projector and this is perfect for him going into those fields, and I was like, oh, this seems so weird.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: But now, like I look at it and like of course you were drawn to those things right Like it's a natural use of that gift.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: So it's kind of funny, you know, that lens of retrospect and how it makes us see things.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean it was kind of crazy.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: I didn't really know, like, what I wanted to go to school for, because obviously, like I have a family now.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: You know I can't go into forensics, I can't do something that requires a ton of my time.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: And also, like I really loved being a mom at that point, once I got over that postpartum stage.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: It was so much fun and I loved connecting with my kids and I loved being with my kids.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: And so I was like, how do I find something that I can do or I can still spend time with my kids?
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: And my husband was like, well, you really like doing art stuff, you like doing stuff on the computer.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: He's like why don't you just get a degree in graphic design?
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: And that was never something I ever would have chosen for myself, but I could see what he was saying and I was like you know what, maybe you're right.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: So I went and I went to school and you know, between jobs and school and kids and everything that time passes pretty quickly and before I knew it, his dad had his cancer diagnosis and had passed away and his mom was.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: She was not in the best of health.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: She had been through, she had a cancer scare earlier on and she had been through a lot, and so she tried to sell her house but she couldn't and we just took it as a sign.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: Like you know, it's kind of maybe it's kind of perfect for us to move there.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: So we moved to the home that my husband grew up in, which is right next to the home that I grew up in, and yeah, it was, it was great Like being here with his mom was awesome Again, having that huge support system.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: I had a lot of strong boundaries with my family in the beginning.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I didn't speak with my mom for probably two and a half years after my first child was born because of some of the things that were said in the hospital.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: There was, there was no support for my family at that point.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: They had, they had kind of cornered my husband in the hospital and said some really hurtful things and after that I was like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not engaging with this, I don't choose to keep this in my life.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: So we made some hard decisions and pivots and by the time we had moved back, some of that had been healed a little bit, but I still relied primarily on his mom for a lot of support.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: You know, going through things Also like my mom was an addict, like there wasn't a lot of things that I felt like I could turn to her for right, like I just didn't think she remembered a lot of like what happened when I was a kid or how she handled things, and also like I was there and experienced some of those things and I knew that that wasn't the way I wanted to do it.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: So it was nice to have, you know, some other perspective.
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: There were moments where I was like, man, I really wish I could just call my mom, I really wish I could just ask her, you know, and and not feeling that confidence or that relationship there, like that was really hard.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: But yeah, his mom she was great, lived with us until she passed nine years later Toward the end of her life.
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: She required a lot of care, so we were her primary support During that time.
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: But my kids learned so much about compassion through that experience and I really couldn't ask for something greater for them to know.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: I think that's probably the most important lesson I could have given them is how to be compassionate toward others and loving toward others.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: So that was really interesting, kind of.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: In all of that, around the time that my father in law passed away, my husband my husband found some information about the faith that he grew up in, and it really opened up some really tough conversations, mostly with his parents.
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: He felt like he was just getting a canned response from them.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: He didn't feel like he was actually getting answers, and at that time there wasn't a lot of places that you could go to talk to people who had been, you know, in the Mormon faith, who had been a part of what all of that entails.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: And he grew up in the faith, so he didn't really know anything else, right, like so this was a huge foundation breaking thing for him, and we didn't really talk about it.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: When his mom lived with us, we just it just didn't seem important, right.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: And after she passed, we kind of went through a little bit of that again, where we were like you know, where do we want to, where do we want to land with all of this, like our kids were.
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: Let's see, my daughter was 17, I think, so my son would have been about 13.
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: And they were going through their own stuff.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: Like that's such a tough age for kids.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: So, you know, not having necessarily like the backbone of a, of a religion to offer like values and things, I think that that has its own challenges.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: Of course, having that in your life also does.
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: So there's no like, there's no way to come out of that clean.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: You know, not like not struggling.
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: There's pros and cons of both sides and so I don't know.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: I think that it's been kind of hard for our kids because we have taught that to our kids.
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: For our kids, because we have taught them to be open minded, we've taught them, you know, think for yourself, like, look for the information and decide for yourself, like, what you want.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Because we had a very different experience.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, we we lost his mom in 2021, in August, and in November I got word that my dad, my stepdad, my mom's second husband, had cancer as well.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: So you know, that was the moment for me that I, I it was the weirdest day because I, we went and had family pictures taken and I remember feeling so freaking happy, like being in that space, and I was like this is the best that my life has ever been, and I knew I guess I must have known somehow that something was coming, because I was like I really just want to soak up every possible second of this feeling of like being at peace and being so, so happy, because it's everything that I had wanted from the time I was really, really young, was just happiness, like I just wanted to be.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: I just want to exist and just enjoy my life.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: And for the first time, I felt like I was doing that.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: And then I got home and right as I came in the door I got a phone call from my dad, and so, of course, I answered.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: He didn't call me very often, but when he did, it was always because there was something going on.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: And so I answered and he was like hey, I had had a conversation, I don't know, probably a month before that, where my mom told me that they thought he might be diabetic.
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: And he told me he's like hey, it's not diabetes, I think they are doing some blood work and my white cells are high.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: And as soon as he said that I was like oh, it's cancer.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: Like I already know, having already been through, you know, losing someone to.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: It was like Okay.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: So I'm like mentally preparing myself.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: He's like I think it's cancer and I was like Okay, and I said what do you need right now?
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: And he was like I don't think I need anything yet and I said Okay, yeah, so after that I was just kind of trying to figure out like how do I work through this, also knowing like I'm the oldest sibling, right, if somebody has to hold space for my mom it's going to have to be me.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: And so I was like how can I possibly do that?
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: Because at the time I couldn't sit in the same room with her for very long, it'd be like a half hour and I was like I'm done, like I'm peopled out.
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: I got to go home, like it's very emotionally draining for me, and so I told my husband I was like I think I need to go to therapy.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: And I had been to therapy off and on, you know, throughout our marriage, because there were times where stuff would come up and I'd be like, oh, I got to deal with this.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: But I specifically looked for somebody who specialized in EMDR because I had read and researched.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: Of course I'm a first, I'm a five one in human design, so that first line, you know always insane curious about stuff.
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, I was like, oh, I need to research, like what's going to be the best for this, because I knew I had trauma that hadn't been dealt with.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: And so I saw somebody out that specialized in EMDR.
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: I had to wait for about six weeks to get in her schedule and the very first thing I processed was my mom.
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: It was like I know I'm going to have to be there.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: And then the next thing I processed was my stepdad, because he and I had a very difficult relationship, partially because of the whole you're not my dad thing.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: I flexed that a few times where I was frustrated with him and you know, I I remember what life was like without him and I think that in some ways that was painful for him, like to look back on it now again.
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: You know that retrospections is always so much clearer than in the moment.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: But yeah, that was, that was pretty much the trajectory.
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: Like I got into that moment and that was when I really was like, okay, I'm going to process everything that ever happened to me.
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: So I spent six months going and seeing her and I was in once a week for six months and we were just processing and processing and it worked really well, but it also has side effects, right.
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: Like I would go in and I would have the worst headache for about 45, 48 hours after the session and then I would have these really weird.
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: They were almost like dreams, like throughout the day, but I'd be awake and it was a weird sensation and my therapist told me like it's actually memories that I had suppressed, and some of them were great.
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: Like I remembered my mom being super involved in like very close and kind and like really sweet and caring.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: Like I remember laying on the floor and coloring and coloring books with her and talking to her and having her braid my hair and teaching me basically like how to take care of other people, right, because I had all these younger siblings and she trusted me so much as a young person and I also was, like I said before, very independent, and so I had like all of this stuff come in.
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: And then I also had some really painful ones come in that were traumas that I had suppressed, that I didn't even realize.
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: So it was a very interesting experience.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: Like that six month period was intense, but I wouldn't trade it for sure, because that gave me the opportunity to really be present with my mom.
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: So I guess I need to come back just a little bit and explain this other section of my story.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: Sorry, this is going to be long winded, it's okay.
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: So, like, grab snacks because it's going to be a minute.
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: But when I found out that I had postpartum with my daughter, they put me on anti-depressants.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: And I was on anti-depressants for about 12 years.
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: I had taken just about everything that they can prescribe you for that and I would take them for usually six to eight weeks and then find that it wasn't working and then the next one I would take another.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: Maybe it'd be 12 weeks, right, and then I'd be like okay, it's not working, and then I would take a different one and have like adverse symptoms afterward, right, Like, maybe it would make me way worse, maybe it would make me really angry.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: Like I had one that I took that made me really angry and my husband was like you have to stop taking that.
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: Like I was borderline violent when I would take it, which was really scary to me because I've never been a violent person.
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: And then I took one that made me just eat, like everything in sight.
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: It was the weirdest like side effect ever.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: I think it was like six weeks and I put on 50 pounds in that time because I just was eating all the time.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: I was like I can't keep taking this.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: It's not good for me.
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: So in all of that 12 years like going through this, I was trusting you know what my doctor is telling me and I was like now, looking back again, I'm like how did I not see that the medication didn't work, because it's not what I have.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: That just wasn't the answer right.
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: So I found I think it was about 2017, my husband and I had a conversation and I remember because I was going to a job interview and I was like this just isn't working and I was so frustrated and so disheartened at how everything had been at that point I was like there has to be another answer, there has to be right, like something has to work.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: And he was like yeah, but what is it?
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: And I was like I really don't know.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: So we talked about it and we kind of talked about it a little with our kids because they were old enough at that time.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: You know, I was like I want them to have a say, because obviously this is going to affect them too, and we all agreed to really watch closely, but I was going to go off of the medication and just see how I did.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: So I went off of the medication and about a month later, I got the job that I interviewed for and from that point on, I was like I just I don't even know who I am and I was 33 at that point in time.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: I was like wow, like that's a really weird feeling to have lived so much of your life and and like not even know yourself.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: And I'm I am grateful for the I guess, the quiet that comes with that medication to be able to process the things that I had been through.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: There was a pretty substantial amount of sexual trauma in my childhood that I could not have processed as well as I did had I not been already working with medication.
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: So I am grateful for it in some aspects because of that, but it also was so frustrating just knowing like there has to be something else, like something else is the answer here and it's not this.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, that was that was really weird.
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: At the end of 2017, I told my husband I was like 2018.
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: I'm going to say yes to everything that's not going to hurt me, like if it's not going to injure me or it's not going to put our family in danger, I'm going to do it.
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: So I got a lot of really interesting opportunities that year that I was like, oh, this is not normally something I would say yes to, but is that because it's not aligned with who I am as a person or is that because I was so used to just playing small and like staying in the background because the medication kept me that way?
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: So it was fascinating to just experiment with all of that and see kind of where that took me.
• 40:07
  Speaker 2: One thing that came up during that time was about, I want to say it was like July of 2018.
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: My husband and I were talking.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: We had watched they're called Valkyrie games, so it's like women's Highland games, where they go and like toss Caper and do like a bunch of strongman stuff.
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: It's so cool.
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: So I had seen it and I had made I had just made a new friend at work that was she's like my soul friend for sure.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: We're still friends now and like we haven't worked together in four years.
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: So that's a great, you know great thing that came from that.
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: But I was showing her video.
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: I was like I would love to be able to do that someday.
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: And she was like okay, when I was like, oh, I don't know, Like that's a hypothetical right, and she's like why?
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: And I was like that's a really good question.
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: And at that point I had had like six months, you know, experimenting with like okay, why not, right?
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: So I was like okay, and she's like I don't know if you know this or not, but my degree is in exercise science and I was like okay, and she's like I'm going to help you get there.
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: Like okay, let's do it.
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: Like I said yes, because that was my year, that I was saying yes to everything, and I was so scared.
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: But we started training and as we were training, a lot of other things started coming up right, because you start feeling strong, and when you feel strong in your body, you feel more confident.
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: And when you feel confident, that's when things start showing up.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: And I was like wow, this is a whole different experience, like I've never done that before and it was really weird but awesome at the same time.
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: And then in 2019, I got the opportunity to compete.
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: So we showed up to the games and they didn't have a novice class that year for Highland games, so I couldn't compete in Highland games, but they did have a novice class in the strongman the day before.
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: So we went and I walked up and the lady standing at the table at the time was the third strongest woman in the world and I saw her and was immediately intimidated.
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: I was like no, we said yes to this, like I'm having this conversation, this internal dialogue.
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: No, we said we were doing this.
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: Go sign the damn paper, you know.
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: So I walk over to the table, I sign my name, I turn around and I shake her hand and I introduce myself and I was like, oh my God, who are you?
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: It was wild and it was so cool.
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: I took dead last, like I wouldn't have placed, but there was like only six women who competed.
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it was dead last and it was not great, but I felt amazing because of the connections that I made at that place, because I did it.
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that was.
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: It was hard.
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: It was really hard and I think more so.
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: Getting out of my head was hard because the physical aspect I had trained for that, yeah, but you can't train for that mental aspect right Of, like the conversation that's going to start as soon as you see who you're competing with.
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, super weird.
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: But yeah.
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: So that was cool.
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: I don't know and where I am now, like we left the faith completely.
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: We removed all of our records from that.
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: I joined the collective at the beginning of my nodal return without knowing, and I was there for that, which was amazing, because I needed that support.
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, tourist.
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: Corpus Crosby North yeah.
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: And at the same time earlier that same year I had stepped into plant medicine for the first time, so it was like a really transformative year right Right.
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: Like I went into that space and the things that I learned and the work that I did in that space was incredible.
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: And then to come to the collective, I was kind of at a point that I was I think you touched on this, you know, in the beginning of this conversation I was.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: I felt so alone, like so isolated.
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: I didn't.
• 44:20
  Speaker 2: I had my one really good soul friend from work and I had like one other friend that I've been friends with for over a decade that I was like okay, I can talk to her about this stuff and she never judges me, even if she's not on this path, like she at the time was still involved in the faith but she would had never judged me for wanting to leave or anything like that.
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: So I had these two friends and that was it and it felt really hard to go through because I had lost, like everybody I thought was a friend.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: And you know they always say like anything you lose in that process you never really had.
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: But it still is important to go through like the grieving process for that Right Because we still have that attachment.
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, I was.
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was just in the cocoon when I got there and I had a really hard time opening up vulnerability is super hard when you've had rejection.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: So it was.
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: It was really like a practice, over and over again, of of like taking the armor off and and showing people you know what is underneath it and showing people like I'm not scary and I'm not, like I'm super kind, I, I really just, but I love people super hard.
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: And so to open yourself up to connection, when you love people really hard, knowing that they might leave at some point, is not an easy task.
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: And that's that was the point where I found the collective and went in and I was like no, this is an experiment.
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: Like I'm just gonna, I'm gonna whole ass it.
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: Like I'm gonna, I'm gonna take off all the armor, I'm just going to show everything that I've got and playing all my cards here, I showed everybody.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: I was like here's my birth chart, here's my human design chart.
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: Like tell me what you see, like here's what I know, but tell me what you see.
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: And there's a couple of people there who pointed out things I never would have noticed and it changed the way that I see myself, and that's what I think is so important about the collective is the opportunity for you to see yourself through somebody else's eyes, cause perspective is everything.
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, thank you so much for sharing that.
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: I mean, I know, you know there's a lot of pain and struggle in that story and there's also so much beauty, you know, and I think just that last part that you said about loving super hard.
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: You know, our stories are very different, but I can see parallels and a lot of my trauma comes from relationships like romantic relationships, and I've been single for seven years but there's still a piece of me that feels exactly like that.
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: It's like I have so much love to give and I love so big that I can't mute myself and I've done it for years.
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: Right, just try to play smaller, try to show up the way somebody else wanted me to, because that you know, trying to be safe or being these little like nuggets of like, oh well, you love me if this, right, and it just got to the point over the last like year or two same thing where I'm just like.
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: You know what like this is me.
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: If you are not into that much like love or whatever it is, then it's not for you, right.
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: And but I think you know one thing that you touched on too I think that mindset is literally what will destroy you, because if you can't get past it, it'll tell you stories all day and there's there's I don't even know what point it was in my journey where I was like, okay is bullshit, I can't keep listening to this, right, you have to somehow find a way to set it aside and just like, be with your system and deal with things.
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: And you know you talk about your childhood and you know, I think, when you're, when you like any childhood that we're raised in, I think we think it's normal because that's all we know as children.
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: You know mine wasn't physically abusive by any means, but you know there were things that emotional.
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: I was the only emotional person in my family, so I got a lot of like shame around just being emotional and emotional.
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: And I was a people pleaser because I felt like I felt I received the message that I was only worthy of, like my parents love, if I did something right, if I did good in school or if I showed up this way or if I was the good girl, if I was quiet or whatever.
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: It was wasn't their intention, you know, but that's how we perceive things and I think the beautiful thing about learning astrology and human design and things like that is, to understand the sensitivities of some souls that come in that I was put in an environment where, had it been a different, completely different chart or different, or even my brother, right, he didn't take any of that in the same way that I did, and it doesn't mean that I'm wrong or he's wrong or anything, or just different people, you know.
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I think there is a point where my shift to came in therapy, where my therapist pointed things out that I would never have seen otherwise, I would never have understood the dynamics in that way, and it opened my eyes to be like whoa, initially I carried a lot of resentment, right, it kind of like when I saw it, I got angry.
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, all these things all these years, like how did I not see it?
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: And now I felt like I was playing the victim a little bit, right when it's like I was done wrong and this is why I showed up in relationships and I was such a people pleaser and I ended up in abusive relationships because I just wanted to be loved, you know, and it's nobody's fault, it really, you know, I mean it's, I don't know it's.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: What did they say?
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: It's like sometimes the lighter, the brighter the light, the darker, the dark, you know in the past to get there and you know I wouldn't change any of my experiences either, but it's definitely it's brought me here and, yeah, I think we all just have our own paths to get wherever you know, in wherever point we're on our lives.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I just I don't know it's.
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: I definitely feel so much and I've always been a huge feeler and I tried to suppress that for so long.
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: Like I used to pride myself I was.
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: I never cried, like, but inside it was like going crazy, right, but I was like, nope, I'm gonna be the cool girl, I'm gonna be the one that all the guys want to hang out with, you know, and I would drink and I would do the, you know, all the things that I really want to do, just to like be accepted.
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: And then when I like opened myself up to feel I swear, I cried for five years like every single day.
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: That's so funny Because it was just like overwhelming.
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: I had suppressed it right.
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: So I think it's just.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: You know, like I said, I listened to your story and there is a lot of pain and you know, I don't know if it's just whether my astrology is just like the sense of stability that I have, like I also feel the strength in it too.
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: You know, like very deeply, and that's also just again with with.
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: You know, like you said, other people looking at your charts or reflections of other people, I think I mean our, our relationships are our biggest mirrors.
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know I've learned a lot about myself that you know.
• 50:53
  Speaker 1: The first part of my, you know I think I was I was 31 when I I started working out was an abusive marriage.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: So you know, just the working out pieces, sort of.
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: You know, I understand that like I could not lose the baby weight and maybe it was postpartum depression.
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: I didn't really think anything like that at the time.
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: I was just I had lost my job, I was unhappy, I was not, you know, I couldn't lose the weight.
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: I was just like in this funk, like I was disconnected from my family at that point because of my relationship and I started going to the gym.
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: I lost my job and I did not want to be at home with my ex-husband.
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: So I was like you know what, I'm just going to pack the kids up for two hours a day.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: I can put them in childcare, that's where we're going to go.
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: And, like you said this, I started getting stronger, just physically.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: I felt more confident and I got stronger and I was like you know what I and something shifted.
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: I packed all our stuff and we just left and so that was I always.
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: Fitness will always be a part of my journey and I loved because I mean, whether it's just the movement of it or we're being in your body, and for me it started.
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: I wanted to punish myself, I wanted to get out of my head and I wanted to punish my body.
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: So I would go in and I would just like kick my own ass in the gym, like to the point where I couldn't even like move right, but that was like, I guess, me screaming or me like expressing.
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: But it definitely changed my life and so that sort of put me on the path.
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: You know that I'm now on and, yeah, finding the collective I I will admit I haven't been as engaged as I would like to, for the exact reason why I think she's bringing a lot of us on to, which is to have different times, to be able for everybody to kind of like, you know, be engaged in things like that.
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: But I yeah, I think I met Jesse like two years ago and she's just this beautiful, like I feel like it's just like the Aquarian age, right, she's just like so, I mean the collective in itself the name says it all right, she's so loving and generous with her time and energy and even inviting us into a container that she's created right and now sharing it with us.
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: I think it's just so beautiful and I'm really excited to like continue to now be more engaged in it and, you know, have these connections with all of you and everybody inside the container.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just, I don't know it's it's it's beautiful.
• 53:02
  Speaker 2: It really is.
• 53:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that it's interesting too.
• 53:05
  Speaker 2: I'd love to come back to what you said and kind of offer maybe a little bit more of an expanded view from from my perspective.
• 53:14
  Speaker 2: Like I don't know and you can tell me if I'm way off here or if I'm missing something.
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: When you started, you know, going to the gym and working on that, did you feel like you had spent so much time away from your physical body that when you came back to it, you're like what is this?
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: Because I felt that.
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: So I mean sort of I remember it being really hard at first.
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: I mean like I couldn't.
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: Even in high school I was in cross country, so I was like a strong runner and I remember like I couldn't even like run at like 4.5.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: I was just like I was really struggling, but the fact that I continued to show up and then tap into it and it's like I don't know there's something.
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's the runner's high and now I run, like you know, like four or five days a week, but it's just like I've always thought, like if I can think I'm not running fast enough, right, and so I guess, like in that way I'm more in my body and out of my mind, because then it's like I'm pushing myself and I'm like 30 more seconds, 10 more seconds, nine more, you know, like counting.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know if that answers your question, but it, but it definitely.
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: I mean, it took me out of the, the noise that was, I guess, disconnecting me from from my own being.
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 54:28
  Speaker 2: I just wonder, because that was definitely the same experience that I had, obviously, like I wasn't running.
• 54:33
  Speaker 2: I I wish that I loved it.
• 54:37
  Speaker 2: I'm just so bad at it that I'm like this isn't fun for me.
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: So I instead I lift.
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: I just lift heavy, yeah.
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: But I mean, whatever your thing is right, like whatever it is.
• 54:49
  Speaker 2: I do the same thing.
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: We're like I lift with my husband and sometimes I get in my head about it.
• 54:55
  Speaker 2: And last week, on Monday, I had one.
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: I had the one of those days right where we're in the gym and I'm looking at this man like lifting a shitload of weight, and I'm like I just see him and like Jesus Christ, like how much are you going to put on the damn bar?
• 55:12
  Speaker 2: Like you don't have to lift every weight we have in the gym.
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: But then see him and I'm also simultaneously marveling right, and it's hard, because I see what he lifts and I know his numbers and I see mine and it's like half at best, you know.
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: And I get up there to lift it and like what the hell am I even doing?
• 55:34
  Speaker 2: And that's when I'm like nope, that's gotta go.
• 55:36
  Speaker 2: Like I'm in my head and I'm not feeling what's happening and that's like an immediate flag to me, but on Monday I let it run away.
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: And the thing that really sucked about that is that he hit some PRs on Monday and because I was in my own head, I missed it.
• 55:54
  Speaker 2: I wasn't there to celebrate with him.
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: I didn't get the opportunity that I love to love him in that moment, right, and so that was just a reminder to me, like, stay out of my head.
• 56:06
  Speaker 2: I know, like that Capricorn Seliam loves to live there.
• 56:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not all about that, right, like and and also I resonate very deeply with what you were saying about the emotions because I have I have my son, my moon, my Jupiter and my Neptune all in Capricorn and they're also all in the seventh house, oh yeah, so it's all like relationship focus, but structured, and like super.
• 56:33
  Speaker 2: I'm a super thinker all the time, like always thinking about things and and I it's a blessing and a curse, right, because sometimes I miss stuff, like really important stuff.
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: I'm like I don't want to miss that anymore, so I'm going to, I'm going to use that now as like a moment where I'm like, no, we're going to come and do something different.
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: Like I love that, though.
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: I love having that opportunity and those indicators that I wouldn't have otherwise, if I didn't know myself.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if.
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't know, like, what is my blueprint?
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: What is the blueprint that comes with astrology?
• 57:06
  Speaker 2: How is that different than human design?
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: Or how is it deeper with human design, which is how I actually feel.
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: And then, like I've been working through gene keys and trying to understand that too, and that just is a whole different depth to all of it.
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: And the more deeply I come to knowing myself, the more I can make space for whatever that is.
• 57:26
  Speaker 2: And, like you said, the brighter the light, the deeper the dark, right Like the dark parts of our lives are all written in there.
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: And how we navigate, that is also written in there.
• 57:37
  Speaker 2: And how we transcend that and become brighter is also written in there.
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: And that's been my favorite part.
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: You know, to go through and like learn all of those things.
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely.
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: I was talking to somebody recently.
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: So my moon is square Pluto, I have Jupiter.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: My eighth house, I have Uranus opposite.
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: I mean like I have some like really harsh aspects in my chart and so I think sometimes I think just just Jupiter and Pisces in my eighth house is dark in depth.
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: You know, it's like all the things and yeah, and so a lot of times I do live in that space, but I was just having a really low day, which maybe my lows are seemingly lower than some other people's, especially when I like articulate them, people are like are you going to be okay?
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: And I'm like I'll be fine in like five minutes, yeah just gotta get it out.
• 58:22
  Speaker 1: So I was like having this moment.
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: I was like talking to somebody, she's like I would never know that you experienced that, because you always just seem so such like a light.
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: You know, you walk around and you're smiling and you're helping other people and I'm like, yeah, but it just it's.
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: And that's why I've always, always, always said, like you never know what someone is going through, because I never told anybody but I would walk around being that people please are and like trying to be like whatever.
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: And I've seen through other people, you know people are who same thing.
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: They just seem so happy and then they share a little bit of insight into them and you're like whoa, never would have thought you got with that.
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: You know, and I think some people, you know, when we have like harsher aspects or we have, you know, whatever in the charts, it's just like we sort of I don't want to say thrive there, but we find comfort in those areas, not because it's comfortable, but you know, and you know, if you've been through trauma, I think that you're, I guess you're used to that sort of experience.
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: Yes, you know, it's just kind of your normal, because you didn't know anything different, and so being in those situations almost feels like.
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, it's like you know, if you have retrograding planets, when they're in retrograde it feels like home, it's like it's when.
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: So it's sort of like that same energy and I think we're just all here for very different reasons and purposes and for whatever it is.
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: It's like sometimes that darkness is something that some of us just sort of swim in a little bit more and I think we're built to deal with that, because I mean, I've never and I always like attribute this to Jupiter in my eighth.
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: It's like the only thing I can think of, because I there was only been once in my life that like I consider it.
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: Like I considered like not wanting to be here anymore, but other than that it's like as dark as some of the things I've been through.
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: It was never really, and maybe it's because of my kids.
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: I had my daughter when I was 24.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: And so I think a lot of the darkness I've dealt with has been since then.
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: So maybe it was them, or it was just like wasn't an option, or I was like I'm going to be here for them.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: But yeah, sometimes I think about that.
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: I'm like I wonder if it's just my.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: Jupiter is like somehow making it just putting a smile on my face, even though in the face of, like, some of those darker things that have happened.
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: But I think that's also the beauty of understanding astrology and human design, and I talked to my kids about it.
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: My daughter's like my son, he's a Scorpio rising his Mars on this ascendant and so sometimes I'm just like I call him the Hulk because he'll be fine one minute and the next minute is like right.
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: So I'm like who am I talking to you right now and I'll say something about his chart.
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 1: My daughter's like you can't astrology away his behaviors.
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: I'm like no, I'm not doing that, but that's just funny.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 2: I can understand that both of my kids are Scorpio rising.
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 2: Okay, I don't know how that happened.
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: They both have tourist moon also, okay, but they have different sunsigns, okay, wow.
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 1: They're both drastically different, and the fact that that's your northern south node.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know Lessons for you too.
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: It's a little weird, yeah, when you start looking at all of them, like, why did you choose this?
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, why did you?
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 2: That's kind of weird.
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a little too close to home.
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know.
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 2: I think that that is interesting though, to point that out.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 2: Like my kids, like we've always said with our daughter that she like Jekyll and Hyde's everybody, because like she's, she's Dr Jekyll 90% of the time and every once in a while that Hyde comes out and like who are you?
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like, have your moment.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 2: But like, get on with it.
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I need you to come back to yourself, right?
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I have done a lot of work around, like trying to create that for my kids so that they can have their emotions.
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 2: In human design.
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 2: My son is an emotional authority and he's the only one in our house, okay, and so like when he gets really going, I'm like, oh, buddy mine's wide open.
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 2: Oh, I have two gates in there and I'm just like holy cow, like that's intense for me.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 2: So just have to like put up a wall and like I love you.
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 2: Like please be nice to my little guy.
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 2: Like don't talk mean to him.
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 2: That's the thing that we have to remind him all the time.
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 2: Like, please be nice to my buddy.
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 2: Like you got to be nice to yourself.
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 2: You can't say those things, but also like we're really big in our house on the stories you tell yourself because that affects everything, right, and so I don't know.
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 2: I think understanding their astrology makes that a little bit easier, because I see that and I'm like oh, here's the pattern.
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 2: I didn't know where it's coming from.
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and let's reframe it right.
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 2: Take what you're telling yourself and let's flip it so that it doesn't sound so bad, or?
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 2: it doesn't sound so harsh, or when you get to that dark place, like, please tell me, let's have like a secret word, right?
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 2: We did that with our daughter when she was 15.
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 2: She so my daughter is a reflector in human design which presents its own challenges.
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she's also a Leo, so she has, like this huge heart, right, and she's a reflector and, for whatever reason, that combination just attracts narcissism, like you wouldn't believe.
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 2: And she's gotten, she's a five one, and so she wants to fix things and she wants to help people.
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 2: That empathy is the empathy of that first line is like the hardest thing to navigate, right, and I was like, girl, you need boundaries, like I love you, but you need boundaries and you have to understand, like, what you will and won't accept from other people, right, and we've had a lot of conversations around that and we we had to come up with a secret word that I was like we need to have a word so that when you're struggling, you can say it and I know you need me to hold space and also I can say it to call out this behavior when I see it starting, and and we used it for a while and it really made a difference.
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 2: And then you know, she kind of she got older, she went to college, she moved back home and she was just super different when she came back home and in a lot of really great ways.
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 2: But also she kind of started going through.
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 2: What we eventually learned was like a period of depression and I was like, okay, well, use the word right, like tell me what you need, like let me love you, let me support you.
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 2: But she's also, she's 20 now and she's at that age where, like she has to start figuring it out, like she has to do it for herself.
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 2: And, honestly, that is the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent is to step back and just let her make mistakes let her fail yeah.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I mean gosh, knowing my children's astrology and human design has completely changed the game, like you said.
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: Even I mean even if I'm not like using the terms with them or just like just having the language to identify.
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: You know, we're sort of the reverse, where my daughter and I are emotional.
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: My son is undefined, so he's Scorpio, rising Gemini, moon.
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 1: He's undefined emotionally and so I sometimes have to pause.
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: When he's super reactive, when he just wakes up in the morning and just starts throwing stuff, I'm like okay, who's in a mood?
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: My daughter's like there, she's almost 14, right, so she's just like going through it, and so it like kind of checks me and I tell him like you know, if you are feeling something from me or if you're feeling emotional, like you can, you don't have to.
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: Because he used to like try and make it better and I've told him I'm like it's not yours, you don't have to do anything about it.
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: He's like but if I want to like make you feel better, I'm like that's fine, but you need to understand like it's not always going to be yours, you know, and just to really like sort of discern what's coming from you and what's not.
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: You know he.
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: He'll have his little like Hulk moments generally in private, with just me.
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 1: But I had someone over a few weekends ago and he like completely pulled the fit in front of this person and the next morning he like woke up and goes mom, I'm kind of embarrassed because he saw me as the Hulk.
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 2: I mean, I guess it meant you felt comfortable?
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my gosh.
• 1:06:26
  Speaker 2: Cause I was like we need to calm down.
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: But yeah, but I truly try and hold that space of just like, I think with the Scorpio, cause there is so much depth there, like again understanding that and being like, okay, you're not wrong for the way that you're feeling, you're not wrong for the thoughts that you may have and the things that flash through your brain, or like whatever it is, you know you're not wrong for it.
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 1: But like, how are we going to approach it?
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: And you know, I mean he's his father, I, you know it's there's issues there that I just, you know he never, he's never really been around him.
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 1: But I know just, I mean genetics and of course I went through some of my trauma when I was pregnant with my son, and so there are things now, if somebody raises their voice, my son like puts his hands over his ears and just like responsive to things that he shouldn't remember.
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 1: But of course he does.
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: It's, it's cellular, right.
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 1: I mean it's just like he, he stores that and I think, being a Scorpio, I mean that's obviously his work.
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 1: That's probably why he's a Scorpio.
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: Rising is cause he needs to through that.
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: You know that, um, but I don't know, it's just so interesting and the reflector thing.
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 1: I'll have to like pick your brain a little bit.
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: You know about that too, cause the person I'm currently seeing is a reflector and it's so fascinating because we, the Pisces rising, reflect three, six reflector.
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 1: I'm a six, three emotional manifesting generator and so there's a part of me, of course, that's just like I like so much about this person when we're together and I'm like, well, of course, cause, like he's reflecting me.
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: So I have to like, keep that in mind of like, not that I don't, you know, I I know I'm not a narcissist, but there is an element of like, there is that reflection of myself and I'm a Leo Moon and Leo rising.
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: So, yeah, I like myself you know what I mean but like and so also having to honor the space and time that he needs in his process because, like I said, I'm an MG, like emotional MG with an undefined root.
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: So I'm so fast, like I want things, I want them now, I want to think about them later, I'm so emotional, I want, and.
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: And he's just like I can't make a decision like that and I'm like, why, yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 2: No, I have to remember my information.
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: No, I have to remember the things that I know about human design and set my mind aside and my stories, because I did break things off, because I was like I'm not receiving what I feel like I need, but then I also have to ask myself, like, is that actually something I need?
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 1: Like there's something underlying that, like we said, relationships are mirrors, right?
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so there's something about me that I'm struggling with, you know, and it's like literally like 80%, 90% of what I want is like in this, but it's like I think it's just showing me patience.
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: Honestly, oh my God.
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 1: That is like, and it's so frustrating I know Cause I'm like I want what I want.
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 1: I want it now.
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 2: Yes, I totally understand what you're saying.
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 2: I'm also a manifesting generator and, honestly, like it's so hard because I'm like can everybody else just move at my speed?
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 2: Like right, Like put on your goggles and get in my quantum wagon and like let's go.
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 1: How do you deal with it?
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 1: Like even just with the reflector?
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 1: Is your son?
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: You said he's a projector.
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 1: No, he's a generator.
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 2: Okay yeah, but my husband's a projector.
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 2: Okay yeah.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: So we have all types in my house MG generator projector you have basically, except for a manifester, but you sort of like have both of those in one, so you know sure.
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's, it's a.
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 2: There's some intensity here.
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's really weird, I mean honestly, when I found out so I found human design about five years ago and started like unpacking my own and it was.
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 2: It was kind of during like that year where I said yes to everything and I was just like trying to understand myself went back to I had in my younger years.
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 2: My birth father's sister is like kind of quirky and weird and was super into like astrology and colors and and auras and like all that stuff, and I used to borrow her books when I was younger and then I would take them back and borrow a different one and I was like this is all fascinating and weird and I kind of love it, but also like this is not accepted right Like in the world and everybody always thought she was a little weird and so I was like, okay, well, now I'm like I'm the weird aunt with all the books, but I I kind of came home to that a little bit that year that I was just like here's what I know, right, like here's what I remember from those books, and I was like I know astrology says something.
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 2: So I started looking at my own chart and I was like I have no freaking clue what any of this stuff means.
• 1:10:58
  Speaker 2: But I found human design also because I was Googling stuff and I was like what is this?
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 2: And then I like first line like rabbit hole all the way to the bottom and I was like holy cow, there's so much to this.
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 2: But everything that came up in my chart resonated so deeply and I was like I finally feel seen, which is a really weird thing for a fifth line, right, but I was seen by my own chart, so I felt okay about it and I was just like, yeah, this is fine.
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 2: And so I started studying it.
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 2: But I immediately, like, when I was done reading about mine, I was like I have to know what my husband and my two kids are.
• 1:11:38
  Speaker 2: And so I looked him up and I was like projector is something like so foreign but also not right, because fifth lines live in the projection field and so does the projector.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 2: So I was like he gets me, like that's why we've made it like this far.
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 2: We were just having a conversation earlier about how hard it is to make it in a relationship like for years and years and years We've been married.
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 2: We'll be married 21 years next month, which is crazy to me.
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 2: But there was time periods where it was like I don't even know if I like you, but it's because we see each other at that depth right, and we see where we could be better and we're always trying to help each other get better, which is awesome, but it's also really frustrating and like really painful sometimes to have somebody see you like that.
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 2: So then I looked and saw the reflector and like less than 1% of people are like they're freaking unicorns.
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I have one living in my house Like I have no idea how to live with this, right, so I've been parenting her how I wish my parents would have with me.
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 2: And I was like oh God, like I can't do that to her, like she's different, and I knew that.
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 2: Like logically, I'm like yeah, like obviously my kid isn't me, but also like she's so different from my energy type I can't even expect the same things from her.
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like I'm gonna give it like hardcore, and I was like please take your time Right.
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 2: And I'd be like please do not commit to things right away.
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 2: You need time to sit with it.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 2: And I've seen her jump into things and fail for hard and I've seen her take her time and have it work out really well.
• 1:13:23
  Speaker 2: And so I just keep trying to reinforce that.
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 2: You know, like the best I can at this point.
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 2: She was 15 when I found it, so you know she was going through her own stuff at that point.
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 2: Like 15 is such a hard age for any kid.
• 1:13:36
  Speaker 2: And I was just like how can I?
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 2: Like this is the only way I know to support you.
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 2: She's also a five one.
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 2: And so I was like like how do I even begin to explain to you what kind of hell this is going to be?
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know that empathy of the first line is such a pain in the ass.
• 1:13:57
  Speaker 2: And then, like you have, like the seduction of the fifth line, like God, she's 15.
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 2: Like can I homeschool you and bubble wrap you, like protect you from the world because you're a treasure?
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 2: Like, yeah, yeah.
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 2: And then my son, you know, he's just super different.
• 1:14:12
  Speaker 2: He has everything I don't in my chart.
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 2: It's really weird, like he completes me and my husband and my husband and I have very opposite things going on.
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, it's kind of interesting.
• 1:14:24
  Speaker 2: I've started to see through just living in the experiment of human design, like where certain things show up because my daughter and I have certain gates in common.
• 1:14:36
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, that must be gate 61.
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 2: It makes us really weird and quirky and unusual, right, like I've never met somebody with 61.
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 2: That wasn't kind of wacky, yeah, like in the best possible way, but a little bit, you know, weird.
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 2: And like I've never met somebody with a will center define.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 2: That wasn't a little bit of a pain in the ass for me.
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 2: I love them.
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 2: But also, like my son has that and I'm just like, could you just not be so damn stubborn for a minute here what I have to say?
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 2: But I also understand.
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 2: I'm a fifth line and I have, I have pretty, I think I have every gate in my chart.
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 1: It's a projector gate, so I'm like a lot of the things that I have to say are, yeah, not asked for and not going to land.
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 2: well, yeah.
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 2: So nobody ever listens to me and I'm like it's part of my design.
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 2: It's fine, right, I think it's so saying it.
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's so beautiful when you really like experience the experiment or feel the experiment of human design, like, so my kids create a nine and no, and I literally will have to like hit something to get their attention.
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 1: They don't, literally don't, hear me.
• 1:15:56
  Speaker 1: And so the reflector that I'm dating, he and I, create a nine and no, and I never understood it until we will be out in public.
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 1: I literally see here no one else, it's just us, and so I'm like whoa, my children literally cannot even hear me.
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 1: It's the weirdest thing, right.
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 1: And so I think, just like actually feeling it and integrating it and really being in that experiment of it is so cool when you notice little things like that, right, or like when you can, yeah, notice the gates and like so, like as a reflector, like he like knows nothing about human design.
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 1: We haven't even like really gotten into it.
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 1: I just told them I'm like you're really like rare in the human design.
• 1:16:37
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, you should never have told me that because, it's good, I can play this ego, but I would love to like you know, as like we get to know each other more, like whatever, like really see how he senses the moon right when he can like.
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I am not like even shying away from my woo, like a lot of times with like men, I'm like I really tiptoe around like my spirituality and like astrology and I'm like not doing that here.
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 1: I'm not like overloading him, but I'm like he's he's receiving it well, so I'm like I can't wait to like just experiment with, like inviting you into like new moon circles or something like that, right, Just like see how you feel it, cause it's just so it's interesting, you know, and even like raw talks about like noticing certain gates and like when they activate and like really paying attention to the moon and how they change and things like that.
• 1:17:24
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, it's just like it's so interesting, cause I've always really wanted to just like tune into specific gates and I just, I don't know, I think my energy just moves so quickly that for me to slow down and really tune in and be like okay, gate six, how does this feel?
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's like more of the bigger things that I can feel, but I wish I was that like receptive and I not that I'm not, I just I need to slow down, I need to find stillness to really really like fine tune those very specific details.
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 2: But stillness is hard right, Like we're designed to move.
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 2: We're designed to go fast, we're meant to do that and so like forcing yourself into stillness, like I've done the same thing every year.
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 2: I'm like this is the year that I'm going to sit with every gate and then it'll be like three weeks.
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 2: I'm like shit, I messed it up, like I missed three of them but you know whatever.
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 2: And then I also told I actually messaged Jesse the other day because I know she's an emotional authority and I was like why is it that every time I feel so damn weird?
• 1:18:26
  Speaker 2: It's because my emotion center is activated, like some transit has turned that on for me, and I'm like I can't stop sobbing.
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 2: I'm like a mess.
• 1:18:35
  Speaker 2: Everything makes me like want to cry or scream or like something intense right, which, like I already feel pretty intense.
• 1:18:44
  Speaker 2: I've got a lot of Capricorn, but I also have a lot of other things that are going on in my chart that are pretty intense energies and I'm just like, oh my God, like is this how it feels for you?
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 2: I was like I can't even like this is too much.
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 1: It is.
• 1:19:03
  Speaker 2: What's your cognition?
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 2: Um cognition.
• 1:19:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, let me look at my chart open.
• 1:19:09
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, it'll either be feeling touch, no smell.
• 1:19:13
  Speaker 1: Okay, I smell yeah.
• 1:19:15
  Speaker 2: Okay, so interesting story about that.
• 1:19:18
  Speaker 2: I just learned that like my maternal line has like a gift right.
• 1:19:24
  Speaker 2: And smell is actually how we notice that.
• 1:19:27
  Speaker 2: It's like something's happening.
• 1:19:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, isn't that?
• 1:19:29
  Speaker 1: weird.
• 1:19:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's amazing though.
• 1:19:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny.
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 1: Like, cognition is one of those things that whenever I talk to someone about it in their chart, as long as, like, the birth time is pretty accurate, they're just like whoa, you know.
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 1: Like they get it.
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 1: They just like mine is feeling and for the longest time, like when I first learned human design.
• 1:19:45
  Speaker 1: I'm emotional authority, there's no question about it.
• 1:19:47
  Speaker 1: I'm up and down and my wave and all the things.
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 1: But there was something about the undefined solar plexus that I was like whoa, but that's also so me, like I people please, I avoid confrontation did all these things and then I learned about feeling cognition and I'm like I think it's because I can tune into and I've always attracted open or undefined solar plexus.
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 1: Right, I've always attracted that because we always attract.
• 1:20:08
  Speaker 1: We're not, and so I don't know if it's like I'm tuning into their energy with it.
• 1:20:13
  Speaker 1: That I've sort of.
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 1: And my whole family is undefined emotionally.
• 1:20:16
  Speaker 1: I'm the only one who has a defined solar plexus.
• 1:20:19
  Speaker 1: So I think I just grew up in that and that conditioning of that piece was like I was just feeling, I was sensing what they were.
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 1: I don't know, but it's just like so interesting.
• 1:20:27
  Speaker 1: But yeah, it's just, I don't know, I just I love.
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 1: I think you know in hindsight, like you had mentioned earlier, you know, as an adult, it's when we start to realize like things are not or don't have to be what we were taught that they were.
• 1:20:42
  Speaker 1: Things just start shifting but also having that compassion and understanding.
• 1:20:46
  Speaker 1: You know that, you know, and being a parent right, like I know, my daughter has experienced a lot of things with me that you know I wish I could go back maybe and shift and change.
• 1:20:58
  Speaker 1: But you know also, it's I did the best that I could with what I had at the time and yeah, that's all we can do, right.
• 1:21:04
  Speaker 1: And I think you know, obviously we don't really learn that until we're a little bit older, but it's just the path of life.
• 1:21:11
  Speaker 1: I guess it's just, I don't know, sometimes I'm just like you know, life is just it's so hard and it's so painful and yet it's also just like the depth of it to me is just so beautiful.
• 1:21:19
  Speaker 1: In all of it it's like I don't know it's hard to put into words sometimes.
• 1:21:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I agree with that.
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 2: I think.
• 1:21:26
  Speaker 2: I think that that's been the coolest part of this whole.
• 1:21:30
  Speaker 2: Like I kind of look at my whole life now as, like this massive experiment that I'm, like, I've experienced so many things and I come to the conclusion that the story I'm going to tell myself is that I wanted I came to this life to learn what love is and to learn what it is.
• 1:21:55
  Speaker 2: I had to know what it wasn't, so I had to feel all of the things that love is not right and that, I feel, is where, like, the strength comes from.
• 1:22:05
  Speaker 2: Is that, like now I know?
• 1:22:07
  Speaker 2: Now I know what love isn't.
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 2: I know that it isn't any of those things that I went through and I know that it isn't rejection and I know that it doesn't turn its back on you when you need it most, and because of that, it gives me such a really interesting opportunity, right, like to show up and be in a space with other people and offer that love and know what unconditional love is truly at, like its core, and that is such a cool realization.
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 2: Like I'm still young, like I'm not even 40 yet, like I got a whole second half of my life now, like and I get to go into it with that knowledge, like how cool is that?
• 1:22:48
  Speaker 2: And also, I think, like we choose some of these things with purpose, right, and that we get the opportunity to be like the alchemy of our own experience, right, we get to conduct that, we get to be the ones to transmute the things that are coming into our sphere, and I love that.
• 1:23:08
  Speaker 2: You were like I'm just like in the woo, like I'm just going to go with it.
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 2: I've been, I've been like slowly pushing that and like pushing the boundary of what that is.
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 2: Like my husband, I don't know how sometimes like he can even sit in the room with me because I talk about like just the other day I was talking about having ghosts in our house and he's like that's so weird, like I'm just going off about it.
• 1:23:33
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean I've just.
• 1:23:34
  Speaker 2: I've come to the point like I think that's that whole existence and now I'm like what else can I learn?
• 1:23:40
  Speaker 2: Like, what else can I figure out?
• 1:23:42
  Speaker 2: Like I'm a first line, I can figure some stuff out, yeah, so what else can I learn?
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 2: But also, having the awareness of the projection field is the greatest gift of my life, 100%.
• 1:23:53
  Speaker 2: That awareness alone has completely changed the way that I deal with other people and how I operate, like in my day to day, like work life, because I work in like a large corporate structure and that can be super hard.
• 1:24:10
  Speaker 2: You're not aware of the projection field.
• 1:24:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so everybody that I like get close to and like do you know what your birth time is?
• 1:24:17
  Speaker 2: I need to know what your human design is, because I need to know, if you need to know about the projection field, which is so silly and I'm like, oh, but that's kind of mean, like to throw them into the deconditioning of it, but at the same time, I'm like but I think like I, because I have like almost everyone I work with, I have like like, if I get into like a slightly deep conversation with you, I'm like what's your?
• 1:24:40
  Speaker 1: do you know your birth information?
• 1:24:42
  Speaker 1: I, my phone, like my apps, are just full of charts from even just like random people I met and it's not even so much like you know, I don't know, I feel like I don't know.
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 1: It's like a blessing and a curse to, but it just helps me understand them better.
• 1:24:58
  Speaker 1: Yes, I know, sometimes that gets me into some situations where it's like I have so much compassion for people, like I dated somebody for like two and a half years and although I was receiving like not much of what I needed in that situation, like he genuinely, genuinely was a good person and because I had all this chart information, that's like I see you, like why can't you just like not, why can't you?
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 1: It's not me, it's not for me to fix Right.
• 1:25:21
  Speaker 1: I saw who he was at, like his core and his potential, and I saw glimpses of it here and there, but he wasn't ready and so finally I just had to let it go is like I cannot fix you and I cannot sit here and allow myself to feel this way.
• 1:25:32
  Speaker 1: Just because I see your charts or just because I feel your soul, you know like maybe in another lifetime, like I've had visions or like I've channeled, like things where I'm like I know that we're really deeply connected, but it's not in this life and, yeah, it was actually one of the hardest relationships for me to let go of because of this, like, yeah, I mean I can still have a soft spot there, but I'm like it just is not for this life.
• 1:25:53
  Speaker 2: And that's okay.
• 1:25:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I can definitely understand and like I resonate a lot with with what you've just said there.
• 1:25:59
  Speaker 2: Like I feel the same way that there's been people.
• 1:26:01
  Speaker 2: There was a girl that I met at a retreat the first retreat I ever went to, because that was it was right after I had lost my mother in law and I was like I have all this time, and like my one good friend that I've been friends with for like over a decade, and she was like let's go to this together.
• 1:26:17
  Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, and it's a good thing.
• 1:26:19
  Speaker 2: She asked me because if I was going by myself, I would have bailed at the last minute because I had so much anxiety about it.
• 1:26:24
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, like I have to go be in a room, like with a bunch of people.
• 1:26:28
  Speaker 2: I don't know what if they don't like me, like what if I'm too weird?
• 1:26:31
  Speaker 2: Because I'm super weird, like I have gate 61?
• 1:26:34
  Speaker 2: Of course I'm weird, but but I'm also like I'm really fun.
• 1:26:39
  Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, maybe this will be okay, right, and and then one of the girls was running it found out that I pulled tarot.
• 1:26:48
  Speaker 2: She's like, will you come pull tarot at this retreat?
• 1:26:50
  Speaker 2: And I was like I've never pulled tarot cards for anybody other than myself.
• 1:26:54
  Speaker 2: I was like we're ripping the bandaid off, we're going.
• 1:26:58
  Speaker 2: I was like okay, let's do it.
• 1:26:59
  Speaker 2: So I said yes and I was like that was stupid, why'd you say yes to that?
• 1:27:03
  Speaker 2: Because I had no idea and I always had to look at the book and I was just like whatever.
• 1:27:08
  Speaker 2: So there was a girl there that I immediately connected with and I was like I feel like I know you.
• 1:27:13
  Speaker 2: She's like, yeah, I feel the same way.
• 1:27:15
  Speaker 2: She's like maybe I follow you on social media was like that must be it.
• 1:27:19
  Speaker 2: So we talk off and on throughout you know the retreat and she asked me to pull cards for her and I didn't look at any of the meanings and I couldn't tell you what I said, but I remember when I pulled it the first card what I said made her cry.
• 1:27:34
  Speaker 2: And then I continued and I just pulled two more.
• 1:27:37
  Speaker 2: I just did three, right, but we connected so deeply over that.
• 1:27:41
  Speaker 2: And then she actually did Reiki on me at that retreat and the experience that I had during the Reiki treatment blew my mind, like it just blew the doors off of what I thought was possible, and I was like I have to know this, I have to learn it.
• 1:28:01
  Speaker 2: So I came back from the retreat and the next month I learned Reiki.
• 1:28:06
  Speaker 2: I was like I have to know this, like it changed my life in the best possible way.
• 1:28:10
  Speaker 2: But I was like we must have known each other like in a different lifetime because we connected so deeply.
• 1:28:17
  Speaker 2: And even now, like I just had a conversation with her earlier today, where she's like she's going through some stuff and still ask me, like can you pull tarot cards for me?
• 1:28:26
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 1:28:27
  Speaker 2: Like yeah, of course it's so funny.
• 1:28:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think just some people will sometimes come into your life for reasons that we can't in this like human, like memory space that we have like actually know why, but they're so deeply impactful to our journey and it's like you know, I had a friend in high school and she literally like saved my life.
• 1:28:49
  Speaker 1: I feel like at that time in my life I don't talk to her anymore, I have no idea where she's at, what she's doing, but for that brief like maybe it was like a year and a half like she was just like everything Right, like she's like saved me and it's like just for our souls are connected for some reason.
• 1:29:03
  Speaker 1: You know, and I think I don't know, I think in my journey sometimes I'm like I wish I had more mystical experiences and I'm really drawn to I know you had mentioned plant medicine earlier.
• 1:29:12
  Speaker 1: I haven't quite I've microdosed, but I haven't done like a full trip or anything.
• 1:29:17
  Speaker 1: There's a part of me that feels like I have to deal with my anger before I do something like that, because like it's just like there, you know, and I feel it, but I don't know.
• 1:29:27
  Speaker 1: I know that there's things that I need to clear out, but I would love to if you I know we're like kind of going over, but if you have time to get into a little bit of like how that has helped you, like what's come up with it or how it supported you or change your life or anything.
• 1:29:41
  Speaker 1: I'm always so fascinated because I truly believe that there is like magic in plants and when we use them in the right way.
• 1:29:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that that's really that's such an important clarification to add, right, because there is a lot of.
• 1:29:58
  Speaker 2: I think that there's a lot of potential in the world of that to get into a place that can be really dangerous or really unsafe, especially if you're going in with some unprocessed stuff, right?
• 1:30:12
  Speaker 2: So if you, if you, right now, were to go into that space feeling like you had some unprocessed stuff, there is a potential that some of that's going to come up in that space.
• 1:30:21
  Speaker 2: And if you have somebody there that is not equipped to handle that or has not trained in some way to handle that, that's going to equate to a really negative experience for you.
• 1:30:32
  Speaker 2: So I just I will start by saying I think that it's super important.
• 1:30:37
  Speaker 2: I think that it's important, even if you're working with a coach, even if you're working with just a guide of some sort, I think it's so important to do your homework and know who it is you're working with, because if you don't, you can get yourself in a pickle pretty quickly and then not know how to get yourself out.
• 1:30:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, lucky for me, I had a really great shaman that was there for my first experience.
• 1:31:02
  Speaker 2: I the dose that I took was barely over a micro dose level.
• 1:31:11
  Speaker 2: So apparently I'm I'm really sensitive because I got into it pretty quickly it was.
• 1:31:20
  Speaker 2: It was really weird.
• 1:31:22
  Speaker 2: I had spent a lot of time the year before trying.
• 1:31:32
  Speaker 2: So my mother's mother passed away from cancer about 15 years ago, 16 years ago, and I didn't get to know her very well because my mom's first husband was really really controlling, obviously, like they were in involved with a lot of substances and things, and I think that that kind of comes along with that territory.
• 1:31:51
  Speaker 2: But we, we didn't get to spend a lot of time with her and by the time that my mom married my stepdad, I was a teenager, almost right, like I was already starting to have some issues connecting with people in my family, partially because of trauma, partially because of the age, you know all that stuff.
• 1:32:10
  Speaker 2: And so I just I missed out, I feel, on that relationship with her and she was a deeply intuitive woman.
• 1:32:18
  Speaker 2: I always, I've always looked at her with so much fondness and love and so the year before I went into that ceremony I had spent a lot of time studying herbs.
• 1:32:33
  Speaker 2: She had been an herbalist, so everything that she did was around like how do we use herbs as food and medicine right, like how do we heal the body?
• 1:32:43
  Speaker 2: And she always knew like when something was up with us, she always had like some kind of tincture or like juice or something that she could give us so we make us feel better.
• 1:32:54
  Speaker 2: I had a lot of really weird experiences as a kid because of that.
• 1:32:59
  Speaker 2: She was super into essential oils, like you know all, all of the, all of the stuff, and I wanted to connect with her.
• 1:33:10
  Speaker 2: But she had passed so many years before and so I was like the best way I think I can do that and honor her is learning plants.
• 1:33:17
  Speaker 2: So I deep dove into learning plants that year and I was like I felt really connected to her.
• 1:33:23
  Speaker 2: And then I had picked up tarot and so you know, like, going through all of that, I was like for some reason I felt like it connected to her, even though I had never seen her pull cards and, to my knowledge, she didn't own any.
• 1:33:37
  Speaker 2: But I'll come full circle to that in a minute.
• 1:33:41
  Speaker 2: We can come back to that part because it does connect in a very unexpected way.
• 1:33:46
  Speaker 2: But going into the ceremony, I saw myself in whatever that space is and these hands just showed up and started pulling stuff out of my body.
• 1:34:02
  Speaker 2: I had stored a lot of trauma in my womb space.
• 1:34:05
  Speaker 2: So these hands are pulling these ribbons out of there and at first, as they're coming out of my body, they're black, and then they start to turn iridescent, and then they're all the colors and then they're just light and they disappear, and so this is happening right.
• 1:34:20
  Speaker 2: And then I felt myself floating and like I hit an island and my grandmother is standing on this island and I look at her and she has tears in her eyes and she says I've been waiting for you.
• 1:34:33
  Speaker 2: And I said you have.
• 1:34:35
  Speaker 2: And she was like, yes, and she's like you did it.
• 1:34:38
  Speaker 2: And I was like did what?
• 1:34:39
  Speaker 2: And she said you healed us.
• 1:34:43
  Speaker 2: And I was like what did I do?
• 1:34:46
  Speaker 2: Like I didn't think I did anything.
• 1:34:47
  Speaker 2: She was like your existence was enough.
• 1:34:49
  Speaker 2: So that was the big takeaway from it that I was like I'm enough, like I don't have to do anything, I don't have to be anything, I don't have to like there's nothing to be done, it's already happened.
• 1:35:02
  Speaker 2: And then also, you know I I understood a lot about generational work that you know, when you heal things for yourself, you heal things for people who came before and those who come after, and so you know, seeing that and like, and then feeling the presence of all of my ancestors in that space they were all there with me and and feeling that and knowing that and coming out like I have not felt the depression that I've dealt with.
• 1:35:30
  Speaker 2: From time to time will call it depression.
• 1:35:32
  Speaker 2: I don't know if that's actually like what I'm experiencing.
• 1:35:34
  Speaker 2: I don't know if it's just like some darkness that shows up from time to time.
• 1:35:38
  Speaker 2: I don't know if it's like am I going through a dark night of the soul periodically, like it could be any of those things?
• 1:35:44
  Speaker 2: But because our language is so limited and and I feel like it's incapable of describing the human experience entirely, so I just I've I've not felt that the same way, because I've had this memory in my mind of her being there and telling me it doesn't matter, like you're already enough, and I'm like okay, it's okay, like I'm going to have a really shitty day today and I'm just going to get through it and it'll be fine.
• 1:36:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it changed a lot of things there.
• 1:36:13
  Speaker 2: I feel like it was in a lot of ways afterward, kind of a coming home to myself, but for for about two weeks after that I didn't feel like I was even in my body.
• 1:36:29
  Speaker 2: It was like my soul was observing my body doing like human things, but I was somewhere else, like wherever that space is.
• 1:36:40
  Speaker 2: It was like Like I was at home with my soul.
• 1:36:45
  Speaker 2: I was just watching myself on autopilot, like doing my day-to-day stuff.
• 1:36:49
  Speaker 2: It was super weird.
• 1:36:52
  Speaker 2: And then I had like this weird pain in my lower back and I thought for a minute I was like maybe I'm gonna like throw my back out, said done that before and and the pain kind of felt similar and I was like kind of feels like when I throw my back out.
• 1:37:10
  Speaker 2: So I told my husband is like I think I just need to go to the chiropractor.
• 1:37:14
  Speaker 2: So I made an appointment with the chiropractor.
• 1:37:17
  Speaker 2: Well, the guy wasn't in and there's this lady that's like I guess it's his mom who is there.
• 1:37:23
  Speaker 2: Super intuitive lady had no idea.
• 1:37:26
  Speaker 2: She was perfect to see me.
• 1:37:28
  Speaker 2: So when I learned Reiki will come back at just a few months in time and I'll tell you this I started having a lot more stuff show up in like my visual field and I was like this is super weird.
• 1:37:42
  Speaker 2: It kind of threw me off a little bit.
• 1:37:44
  Speaker 2: I was super freaked out by it.
• 1:37:45
  Speaker 2: It took me three weeks to tell my husband.
• 1:37:50
  Speaker 2: I was like, hey, like I'm kind of starting to see, oh sorry, sorry, that's okay.
• 1:37:57
  Speaker 1: My room was going off before and I was like, oh my gosh, it got stuck under my thing.
• 1:38:01
  Speaker 1: It's like it's not getting picked up.
• 1:38:03
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it's so funny.
• 1:38:06
  Speaker 2: It happens every time I'm recording.
• 1:38:08
  Speaker 2: I always forget that it's gonna go off, because I get so lost in the moment.
• 1:38:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, anyway.
• 1:38:16
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, so I'm.
• 1:38:17
  Speaker 2: I told my husband I was like you know, I'm starting to kind of like see some stuff.
• 1:38:21
  Speaker 2: It's a little weird.
• 1:38:22
  Speaker 2: And he was like, well, already scared.
• 1:38:24
  Speaker 2: And I was like no, it's not scary, it's just unusual, yeah, and and new.
• 1:38:29
  Speaker 2: And he was like I think you're okay.
• 1:38:31
  Speaker 2: Like, as long as you don't feel scared, I think you're okay.
• 1:38:34
  Speaker 2: And I was like well, he's a projector, like he can sense things.
• 1:38:38
  Speaker 2: If there was something wrong, he probably would know.
• 1:38:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but he's also, he's a Pisces.
• 1:38:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, he's like super.
• 1:38:44
  Speaker 2: Yes, I know.
• 1:38:47
  Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, he's probably right.
• 1:38:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like that's fine.
• 1:38:50
  Speaker 2: So I kept going and and got to a point that I was seeing people and I was like I don't know what's like in front of you, like eyes open, awake.
• 1:38:59
  Speaker 1: Yes, okay, yeah and it's.
• 1:39:02
  Speaker 2: It was alarming at the time because I was like I don't know who these people are, right, like super weird anyway.
• 1:39:11
  Speaker 2: So I Go to this woman.
• 1:39:14
  Speaker 2: I see this woman at the chiropractor and she's like checking you know all my alignment, all my stuff.
• 1:39:21
  Speaker 2: And she's like, well, there's not actually anything wrong with your back.
• 1:39:24
  Speaker 2: And I was like really.
• 1:39:25
  Speaker 2: And she's like no, it's perfectly aligned, like it's fine.
• 1:39:28
  Speaker 2: And I was like okay, and she's like I can massage it for you if you want.
• 1:39:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, this woman has needle fingers.
• 1:39:36
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not kidding you.
• 1:39:37
  Speaker 2: She starts poking me in the back and it hurt so bad.
• 1:39:41
  Speaker 2: But also, as she's poking me, I start having the visuals that I'm having when I'm like in a Reiki session and I was like what is going on?
• 1:39:50
  Speaker 2: Like.
• 1:39:51
  Speaker 2: So I was like she must have like some kind of intuitive something.
• 1:39:55
  Speaker 2: And she asked me like, as she's touching my back, she's like how many kids did you say you have?
• 1:40:00
  Speaker 2: I was like I never said I had any.
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 2: So I was like what is going on in this appointment?
• 1:40:07
  Speaker 2: So weird, yeah.
• 1:40:10
  Speaker 2: So I went back to her two other times and then I had a follow-up with the shaman who had conducted our ceremony and he was like well, essentially what you're describing happened was you basically had like spiritual surgery, hmm, so what she did isn't that weird?
• 1:40:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, that's what happened in my ceremony, that that.
• 1:40:35
  Speaker 1: That was like pulling things out of my body.
• 1:40:38
  Speaker 2: That's what he said that was, and he said he's conducted Hundreds of ceremonies and he said there's only been two other people who have seen their ancestors.
• 1:40:47
  Speaker 2: Wow, and I was like, wow, that's big, oh yeah, but I don't know what that means.
• 1:40:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, was it ayahuasca that you took?
• 1:40:55
  Speaker 2: No, no, it was psilocybin, okay, so it was like, not even, yeah, not even like what most like this is.
• 1:41:03
  Speaker 2: This sounds like an ayahuasca ceremony right, yeah, yeah.
• 1:41:06
  Speaker 2: It sounds like something much deeper.
• 1:41:09
  Speaker 2: But no, it was like your body just didn't need that.
• 1:41:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I guess it just needed a little peek into the other side.
• 1:41:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just like something to part the veil and like I was in, you know, like fully in that space.
• 1:41:21
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, super interesting, that shaman later asked me to come and help because I had been attuned to Reiki.
• 1:41:30
  Speaker 2: He was like can you come and help me?
• 1:41:31
  Speaker 2: We have a larger group and I need help in case somebody needs Reiki.
• 1:41:36
  Speaker 2: Hmm, so I went and I was like kind of in I I kind of waiver back and forth, like I teeter-totter from where I'm like oh, super, believe it, like I'm super into Reiki, like a hundred percent, and then other times I'm like what the hell are you doing?
• 1:41:54
  Speaker 2: Like what, if you're just miming over people and nothing's happening, right?
• 1:41:58
  Speaker 2: Like it's so funny, it's, it's my Capricorn, like all that.
• 1:42:03
  Speaker 2: Capricorn placement that I just be like you're stupid, like what are you doing?
• 1:42:07
  Speaker 2: And so I was.
• 1:42:11
  Speaker 2: I was having that moment where I was like why does he want me there?
• 1:42:15
  Speaker 2: Like that's dumb.
• 1:42:17
  Speaker 2: So I go and I'm there and like I'm doing Reiki on a couple of people and then I I had to work the next day.
• 1:42:23
  Speaker 2: I was like I got to go, like it's getting late, it was like 9 pm or something and I was like I really need to go home so that I can get ready for bed and put my kids to bed and stuff.
• 1:42:32
  Speaker 2: He's like, yeah, no, it's good, you can go.
• 1:42:33
  Speaker 2: So I come home and I have like this week where I'm just like what the hell even is Reiki like?
• 1:42:40
  Speaker 2: Is this just bullshit?
• 1:42:42
  Speaker 2: Like the whole week, every day was like that.
• 1:42:45
  Speaker 2: And and the People who had hosted the ceremony came to my house at the end of the week so I could read them their human design chart and they're sitting on my couch and he and the guy he's like, right after you left, three people that you worked on had this huge breakthrough and I was like why did nobody tell me?
• 1:43:06
  Speaker 2: I've been in this like doubtful weird place for a whole week and Nobody told me that they had like this massive breakthrough it would hold, pulled out of that funk.
• 1:43:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was like it's so funny, yeah, the way right there are.
• 1:43:22
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we're all spent hours like cleansing and meditating and reading spiritual books and doing human design and all these things, and I'm like what if it's all bullshit?
• 1:43:30
  Speaker 1: And I'm just like sitting like this little bubble.
• 1:43:33
  Speaker 1: But then at the end of the day I'm like you know what, like I, it makes me feel something, you know, and I do like I sit in session with people or I even have conversations and I can feel it, and so I'm like that's not fake, you know, and it's like, yeah, when you sit in session with somebody and you see those ah-ha, as you see, that like for me, what I love is when I go through some of this human design and astrology and you just see something their perception of themselves shift or change or just an acceptance of like, oh, like they feel seen, and I'm like that's all it's for, that's it right there, yep, you know, and it's just like momentary, but it's like that's.
• 1:44:10
  Speaker 1: That's what it is.
• 1:44:11
  Speaker 2: I legitimately.
• 1:44:12
  Speaker 2: I had a reading yesterday and it was like that, by the end of it, she was like what are your words of advice?
• 1:44:18
  Speaker 2: And I said, honestly, the best thing that I can tell you is just make space, because you are freaking powerful.
• 1:44:24
  Speaker 2: Like I'm looking at your chart, like you got a lot going on and you are meant to use your voice, so stop hiding your voice.
• 1:44:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and like that, that moment, you know that connection.
• 1:44:36
  Speaker 2: If it's only that and that's all I can give somebody like, that's worth it.
• 1:44:41
  Speaker 2: It's worth doubting yourself and rolling around and like being in the mud with it and you know, struggling and and going through that whole process From time to time where you're like oh, this is like such crap, like, but it's not because there's something happening.
• 1:44:57
  Speaker 2: In those moments I just forget that it happens, right?
• 1:45:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not receiving it, so I'm like well, I'm a fifth line, so I hope you're getting something out of this, right, yeah?
• 1:45:07
  Speaker 2: I can't feel all the time what's going on?
• 1:45:10
  Speaker 1: It's hard.
• 1:45:10
  Speaker 1: Well, I think too, like sometimes you know, whether it's religion or faith or spirituality or something, I think we all need something that's bigger than us, and whatever you want to, you know term it as, and I think sometimes, you know, I don't know for me this that's like astrology, or oh, my internet's.
• 1:45:29
  Speaker 1: Can you hear me right there?
• 1:45:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, I can hear you, yeah yeah.
• 1:45:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I don't know, but Okay, so I would love to.
• 1:45:39
  Speaker 1: I think so, I think that is cool.
• 1:45:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:45:43
  Speaker 1: I was gonna say I just I would love to know, like what you're, you know within the collective, like kind of pivoting back to that, just like what you are bringing to it, what that looks like for you.
• 1:45:52
  Speaker 1: I'm, I'm so excited I just I know we're having, so this Episode I'll have come out this Thursday, just so that it's in time before the collective launches.
• 1:46:01
  Speaker 1: On Monday is our first call, so it's gonna be, and, of course, like we scheduled it on the full moon eclipse, like why wouldn't we?
• 1:46:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, of course it happened unintentionally but yeah, exactly.
• 1:46:11
  Speaker 1: So yeah, if you're listening to this on Thursday or anytime before Monday.
• 1:46:15
  Speaker 1: The doors are still open, but we're having our first launch call again on Monday.
• 1:46:20
  Speaker 1: But, yeah, if you just want to let people know, like what you're bringing to it with the first call, what that's gonna look like, and then yeah, I don't know, just anything else that you feel is important.
• 1:46:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, in the space of the collective.
• 1:46:35
  Speaker 2: So, like I've said before, I'm a 5-1.
• 1:46:37
  Speaker 2: I do a lot of research into things and I also I have an open head and that gate 61 and so when I come into things I come from a very different perspective.
• 1:46:48
  Speaker 2: I also have a Yod in my birth chart, which Chiron is the apex.
• 1:46:54
  Speaker 2: So it's kind of taking all of the wounds that we carry and and Transmuting that, and then how do we use that to heal ourselves?
• 1:47:02
  Speaker 2: Like, how do we become our own best medicine?
• 1:47:04
  Speaker 2: But being a 5-1, like being in that space, there is a chance.
• 1:47:08
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna trigger you.
• 1:47:09
  Speaker 2: I'm going to show you something you don't like about yourself at some point.
• 1:47:14
  Speaker 2: And that's okay, because I will do it with love, like I'm gonna show up and be in that space and then I also have no problem holding that space and being there with you and like, like I said before, like being in the mud, right, like people go into those situations not knowing that it's gonna be muddy and when you get there, like you don't want somebody to pull you out of it, you don't want somebody to give you a towel and clean you up and put you back on the path.
• 1:47:38
  Speaker 2: What you really need is somebody to sit there and hold your hand and say it's okay Until you find your own way out of the mud, because if you don't find your own way out, you're gonna end up in it again.
• 1:47:48
  Speaker 2: So coming in like from that perspective and and having worked through All of the shit that I've worked through, like it gives me a unique way to see things, just like everybody else.
• 1:48:02
  Speaker 2: So I that's my hope is that I'll come into that space and be able to offer Something that maybe you missed or something that maybe you don't see in your own chart, or maybe, maybe I'll bring something up in you that needs to be healed and then I can sit with you Like, I don't mind sitting with people in the mud and and being present, you know.
• 1:48:21
  Speaker 2: And then also, you know I I'm open to do like Reiki with people.
• 1:48:27
  Speaker 2: I'm open to do I do a caustic records work.
• 1:48:30
  Speaker 2: I'm open to that.
• 1:48:32
  Speaker 2: I'm open to pretty much anything I have in my toolbox, like if it's gonna be helpful to somebody, I'm happy to do it.
• 1:48:39
  Speaker 1: So yeah, and as a manifesting generator, you know that toolbox is probably overflowing yeah well, I think there's like what, four or five of us that are manifesting generators, all of us all of us.
• 1:48:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, maybe there was one generator but okay all of us are MG's, so you know there's gonna be so much in there.
• 1:48:58
  Speaker 1: Because I mean the same thing.
• 1:48:59
  Speaker 1: I have a toolbox full of I mean, oh my gosh, it's crazy.
• 1:49:02
  Speaker 1: And then, like, as you were telling, you know, yeah, I'm sorry about tarot and Reiki and these are like, just like it's so MG because I've literally gone down so many rabbit holes in, like I, I started Reiki.
• 1:49:12
  Speaker 1: I didn't finish it, but I did.
• 1:49:13
  Speaker 1: I did start it and I think it's so fascinating.
• 1:49:15
  Speaker 1: Um, I want to go back you, we're gonna loop in the tarot with your grandmother.
• 1:49:20
  Speaker 2: Oh, yes, yeah, I just I totally spaced it, so I'm glad you remembered this is also a thing.
• 1:49:27
  Speaker 2: I have gate nine, which is kind of 80 HD.
• 1:49:30
  Speaker 1: I have gate nine three times and it's in my unconscious, mars, which is my core wound.
• 1:49:34
  Speaker 1: So I feel you, oh, my gosh.
• 1:49:36
  Speaker 2: Okay, well, thank you for remembering, because I didn't.
• 1:49:39
  Speaker 2: So here's the interesting part.
• 1:49:41
  Speaker 2: I did a DNA test because I don't know my birth dad very well, right, like I've met him a few times, I know like little to nothing about his family, and so I was like I just want to know, like where do my people come from and what are the potential health risks that I have in my life that I don't know about?
• 1:49:58
  Speaker 2: So my husband got me the kit for Christmas.
• 1:50:00
  Speaker 2: It was like right after I found human design, and so it's like the timing of all this is just perfect.
• 1:50:08
  Speaker 2: But I got my results back and I have this haplo group, which is it's what they call your mitochondrial DNA.
• 1:50:16
  Speaker 2: Right, it's your maternal DNA that's passed down Generation to generation.
• 1:50:21
  Speaker 2: It's exactly the same Mm-hmm and I.
• 1:50:24
  Speaker 2: I don't know why.
• 1:50:25
  Speaker 2: Yes, I do, I lied.
• 1:50:27
  Speaker 2: I know why because my, my life's work is Jean, key 10 and the fur, the shadow of that is obsession right.
• 1:50:36
  Speaker 2: So I'm like obsessing over this stupid haplo group that I was like there's no information about this, like genetics are still pretty new, so like becoming mainstream, right.
• 1:50:46
  Speaker 2: And so I was like someday this is gonna make sense.
• 1:50:51
  Speaker 2: I don't know how I knew that, but it was like I Don't know.
• 1:50:56
  Speaker 2: November of last year, like literally just a few months ago, I looked up my haplo group again because I was like, oh yeah, like I was looking at that right, like so, so, like manifesting generator of us to hop from thing to thing.
• 1:51:11
  Speaker 2: But I Came back around to it and I was like, oh yeah, I was gonna research that well, now They've just published new studies and they know where these people come from.
• 1:51:21
  Speaker 2: And so, of course, my maternal line, as I mentioned before, like I'm learning now because I asked the right question finally that we have like this gift, this intuitive gift that runs through my maternal line.
• 1:51:34
  Speaker 2: My maternal line goes back to the Romani people.
• 1:51:38
  Speaker 2: The Romani people are the original gypsies of Europe and the people who carried tarot.
• 1:51:43
  Speaker 1: Wow, wow, that's amazing.
• 1:51:45
  Speaker 1: How wild.
• 1:51:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that is crazy.
• 1:51:48
  Speaker 2: It's so crazy, so weird and and it keeps happening, like there's these little aha moments, I'm like holy shit, like it couldn't be more perfect yeah but, also like part of me knew, because I picked that up and I was like, yep, this is in line with what I'm trying to do.
• 1:52:06
  Speaker 2: I'm like am I just gaslighting myself?
• 1:52:08
  Speaker 2: Like I'm just telling myself this is fine.
• 1:52:10
  Speaker 1: We do that so often, though I know it's so weird, but it's really incredible when you like think about.
• 1:52:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know that's why sometimes that's like, it's like to think that it's just this one life.
• 1:52:24
  Speaker 1: I mean it's it's wild like we have so much depth in ourselves and like my dad has done his, his genealogy or whatever I haven't done mine and I'm so fascinated for, like my kids, but like it's just it's crazy, right, like how far back, like the information goes and yes, we find out stuff like that.
• 1:52:44
  Speaker 1: Like that's wild, that is so cool, yeah.
• 1:52:49
  Speaker 2: Genealogy is like my first love.
• 1:52:51
  Speaker 2: I started doing that when, when it was still on paper, like before, they had the programs to look at, and then I remember my grandpa had the personal ancestral file on his computer and I would go over and like look through all of the records he had found.
• 1:53:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah because he would go into the family library, the family history library, which is all part of, like, the LDS church, so he was like super into it and he would pull all of this information and they have amazing records for all of that stuff and most of it now is on ancestry.
• 1:53:23
  Speaker 2: So if you get like a kit or something and you get access to ancestry, just like, go ham on it as long as you can Because it's fascinating and it just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and goes and my grandparents, like my mom's mom and dad, did so much work on all of that because they felt that it was so important that there was like nothing left for me to do except just match it up and then look at where it went.
• 1:53:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was so cool.
• 1:53:53
  Speaker 1: Well, my dad's like he's got it all on paper, but there's no women.
• 1:53:56
  Speaker 1: It's like all like the men, I mean it's like their wives, but there's no like the daughters, just sort of because, like I'm not even on there.
• 1:54:01
  Speaker 1: So I was like that why am I not on?
• 1:54:05
  Speaker 1: this and he's like well, it's just like the men in the family.
• 1:54:07
  Speaker 1: I'm like what about the women?
• 1:54:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're important.
• 1:54:11
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, maybe I need to go and like fill in the gaps with the women.
• 1:54:13
  Speaker 1: I'm like that's, maybe that'll be your work, right?
• 1:54:16
  Speaker 2: Maybe that's what you're meant to do.
• 1:54:17
  Speaker 1: Find all the women in the family, the lost women that are just like, not on paper.
• 1:54:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when you get stuck, you can call me and I'll help you.
• 1:54:26
  Speaker 2: I know, I know I've never done the test, but it's really fascinating.
• 1:54:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's super cool to get that information, for sure, yeah, it's really cool.
• 1:54:36
  Speaker 2: Well, this has been so much fun.
• 1:54:40
  Speaker 1: It's been so nice to get to know you and I'm so excited to continue to get to know you and, like, dive into the collective With you and everybody else in there.
• 1:54:47
  Speaker 1: I think we just have a magical group of humans in there, and I mean members and guides, you know, combined everybody.
• 1:54:53
  Speaker 1: I think you know from what I mean, and ultimately we're still members, right?
• 1:54:56
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're still gonna participate and that capacity Exactly yeah, and I'm really excited to be more engaged, like with this new like like rebrand and all this in there.
• 1:55:04
  Speaker 1: It's gonna be really, really cool because yeah but it's just, I'm really excited.
• 1:55:09
  Speaker 1: I'm really excited.
• 1:55:11
  Speaker 1: So if you're, if anyone's listening to this, you know again before an enrollment will reopen again, I'm sure later in the year, next year.
• 1:55:18
  Speaker 1: But yeah, click the link and join us.
• 1:55:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that'd be amazing.
• 1:55:25
  Speaker 1: All right, well, I'll see you on Monday and anybody else that's in there.
• 1:55:29
  Speaker 1: We will talk on Monday.
• 1:55:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds good, I'm excited.
• 1:55:32
  Speaker 2: Bye, bye.