Latest / Through the Sh#t with Jen McDowell / Angel Garcia | Part 1: When Survival Is All You've Known
Transcript
- speaker-0: If I knew at thirteen what I know now, I think my life could've been completely different. But I'm here now, you know, I don't expect to live to eighteen years old and honestly I don't really care. but now that I'm forty two and I'm here, I can't just shake that off and be like, Okay, well, I made it. I'm one of the lucky ones. No, I'm one of the lucky ones because there's something more than I'm supposed to be doing. So that's what I try to do now. I try to mentor youth who are heading towards that path and I try to open their eyes to the lies. You know, there's nothing glorious about that lifestyle. yeah, the many times and it goes. I've never really on this side of the border, I've never met a retired drug dealer. Though I was there doing life in prison, all they're dead. So, you know, And at one point in my life I was stupid enough to wanna live up to that. But now that I know the truth, I try to impart that wisdom with as many youth as possible. speaker-1: Welcome, I'm Jen McDowell, and you're listening to Through the Shit, a podcast for anyone going through the shit and the people who love them. And every episode we'll hear a new story of loss, hope, and resilience, and how going through the shit led to something greater. So if you're in the shit now and feeling lost or alone, disconnected from your badass self, or in need of an ember of hope to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're in the right place. So settle in, prepare to be moved and inspired, and welcome. To the shit. Welcome everyone. You're listening to Through the Shit. I'm your host, Jen McDowell. Joining me today is Angel Garcia, and he's going to be telling us about how he turned his time growing up in a gang-infested environment and his time in the Slammer into community impact. Angel, that's one hell of an opening. How are you today? speaker-0: I'm doing great. How are you, Jen? speaker-1: Good. I'm I'm really excited to have you here and so grateful that you are here. speaker-0: Yeah, no thank you. it's my pleasure being here, you know, with trauma bonded, which is a lot of what which is a lot of what happens, you know, growing up in the environments that I grew up in and why gangs are so effective in recruiting people 'cause kinda like your podcast suggests, we're going through shit together and we're really as support for one another. I am you you and I had a similar experience not too long ago. speaker-1: We did, right? And so do you wanna tell the listeners about our shared trauma bonding experience? It wasn't as awful as we make it out to be, but it was pretty stressful and it was a very much an emotional roller coaster. speaker-0: Yeah, yes, definitely. so both Jen and I were TEDx A BQ s selected speakers because our the theme was reframing and the way we spoke about our past, collective past and our collective traumas from our past, we came out on the other side of it with a new perception, a new perspective for people to think about. So that's why John and I were selected and the whole process was we did this three months of speaking coaching and from day one when Jen and I came in, the speech we came in with isn't the speech that we actually delivered because of the amazing coaching we got. But it was, you know, we really opened some rooms, you know, so you go through that. You talk about we talk about our our our past traumas and throughout the process, we opened up to other people about things that ha that have happened to us and on the day of the end, you know we filmed on August twenty ninth and I think out of the whole process that day was the biggest stressor of the whole time. You know, especially for me. You know, the day before dress rehearsal I blanked out of my speech. But all of you guys were so supportive and The day of I delivered a speech that I was proud of, as as as as did you, you know, you did as well. it is just amazing to see your process. hope you don't mind me sharing this, but right before your speech, you were like practically in tears. Got up there, boom. Just your whole demeanor changed, delivered your speech like a champ. got off the stage you broke down in tears, you know, it was like And I knew deeper feeling 'cause as soon as I believe in my speech and I said my final thank you, this whole wash of relief just came over my body and it I I walking back to the dream room where that was for speakers only, I shed a tear, you know, I a little tear no and like just a tear of relief. Like I knew we got it done. You know. speaker-1: Yeah. I mean, it's such an amazing experience. And we had a tremendous amount of support going through the process. But there's a lot of like just trusting, even though you don't know what's happening and you don't understand. And I even remember the first rehearsal that I went to, and you were like the first person to get up and do your talk. And I was like, fuck, this dude is legit and his speech is gonna be amazing. And then I just think about the transformation that your speech went through during the course of our time together. and so I only saw bits and pieces of of the finished product because I was hiding in the back. but yeah, I it's been it's been amazing. And and when you go through this really sort of difficult experience with people, it builds a bond that, you know, is unique and special and only people who have gone through that experience can understand. So thank you for being part of that journey with me. And again, I'm really glad to have you here today. speaker-0: Yeah, thank you, likewise. And yeah, you're you're a hundred percent correct. If you've been there, you know what we're talking about, you know. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. So before we talk about going through the shit, let me read the bio for people. Angel Garcia is a former gang member who understands the obstacles one faces when having a criminal record. After three prison terms and 13 years of incarceration, Angel finally found a solution that worked for him. And now he dedicates his life to helping those in need find what works for them. Angel uses his negative past to foster positive futures. Angel. Welcome. speaker-0: Thank you. Glad to be here. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay, so you've been through some shit. Every guest starts kind of by adding their own sort of view on what that term means as it relates to their story. So tell me, what does me going through the shit mean to you? speaker-0: t well to me I think I would sum up going through the shit with just wonder perseverance. Life is always gonna happen. You know, it doesn't matter if you're extremely poor or extremely wealthy, life in one way or another is always gonna come at you. And I think just not giving up. Just writing it through and and sticking to your Like especially if have vision like myself, you know. when I first moved out of Los Angeles and I moved to La Albuquerque, to take advantage of an opportunity given to me. this is a perfect example going through the shit. You know, I got hired by W Lowell's Walmart home people and Ace Harvard. good jobs, livable wage painting jobs to get those offers descended two weeks later 'cause of my background. Had I been in Los Angeles, Jen, I would have probably just went back to San Angelis. But I was in Los Angeles. I was eight hundred miles away. So that was what was good. I was in there and I stuck it out here, you know? And I eventually found a job and I was able to sustain myself. But yeah, to me going through the shoot is just taking whatever life throws at you and just persevering, pushing through, not doing not, not laying and breaking and eventually you will find the light at the other side of the tunnel. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. thank you for that. I think there's something inherent in what you just said that I want to say explicitly because I think it's important, but it also goes down to this idea of belief. Belief that things can be different, belief that you can show up differently, belief that things can be different. And I think that's also an important part of what we're talking about here. Yeah. speaker-0: Yeah, definitely. well like to me you know I was running around the streets of Los Angeles for over twenty years and the thirteen years incarcerated, you you know my mom used to tell me when I was good, I'll say in Spanish and then I'll translate it. She used to tell me Dime Corripentejuntos y yo te dire que merece Like Tell me who you're hanging out with and I'll tell you who you are, basically. Hanging out with the drug dealers, the band members, and like I became that. You know, and now being out of Los Angeles, being out of my hometown where I've been my whole life, being here and I I had one family member, I had my uncle who allowed me to move here, but him and I have always like been different. We hadn't even spoken to we haven't we hadn't even spoken to one another in years. And I'm pretty sure my mom convinced him to let him move here. It wasn't out of his own accord, but I'm I'm glad he did 'cause now I have this new outlook of life, this new opportunity to actually do something in health. And I'm a completely different person, you know. So it is It it it it also takes a a certain amount of embracing change. You know, like the person I was in Los Angeles isn't who I am today. And I had to realize that while at at the community college working on my associate's degree, I just had to come to terms with that. You know, you're no longer the an the angel from Los Angeles. You have to turn into somebody else. So I think Just like I said earlier, you know, just being able to self reflect and embracing the change and just going with the flow of whatever your life is at that moment. If if you stay positive with your goal in mind, I think you'll come out all right, you know, at the other end. 'Cause it's it's difficult at times. even when I'm learning community, somebody who I'm trying to help who just got out of prison or who's struggling with addiction. They just see themselves as that person. And that's the first part where I have to try to break down those mental walls, those mental barriers for themselves, or they could see themselves beyond that person. And that's what I have to do for myself, you know. I had to dream a little bigger. Think like well yeah, maybe I could be that. And like now, like yeah, just mental barriers are not an issue for me anymore. I think I can deliver two big now, but really you know. and if I do it, I do it, if I don't, hey, just keep trying. Failure is a part of life. I think I think that that isn't said enough, you know. failure is not in reality a failure, it's a lesson to be learned. What did I do wrong? What can I do better? What can I improve myself? So, that's how I approach my life now, Jan. You know, just I try to be better today than I was yesterday. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay. So there's a whole lot there that I think we will hopefully unpack over the course of our time together. But I'm hearing some themes around perseverance, belief in yourself, belief in possibilities. this openness to change, going with the flow, and then to be a little bit punny given our TEDx experience together, reframing your views on failure. speaker-0: Yeah. Definitely. speaker-1: All right. So you you've dropped some nuggets already. You've talked about your your time being a gang member. You mentioned dealing drugs, you've talked about incarceration, but broad brush strokes, tell me your shit. Like what happened? speaker-0: Okay, yeah, so so let's you know, let's take it back to Los Angeles. you you're growing up, you're barely surviving, you know. Some some some months were harder than others and you go outside and you see the the gang members with the cars and you see certain gang members with all the money and you're like when you don't have any other exper experience of success or any other role models of success, those are your role models. And you strive to be that person. So then and it's very easy, yeah, to get it caught up in things, especially over there. They start recruiting you at a young age. put in a on on on on top of that, like having other other real mentorship that could kinda guide your thinking a different direction. I think that's where a lot of us start taking a left turn when we're at the fork, you know, and you know, I say this a lot. You know, I know the the school of prison you know, I I'm pretty sure all of you've heard the school of prison pipeline. You've heard that phrase before. speaker-1: School of prison? speaker-0: scroll to present pipeline basically speaker-1: school to prison pipeline. No. Right. speaker-0: Yeah, so public schools in Los Angeles over cunitive and I don't fault them, it's because they're so staffed and they more or less concentrate on the students that they see that have the potential of actually going to college. I actually remember going back my sophomore year and one of my teachers saying, wow, you're still alive. You made it through the summer. So And then after that he tells Maria, just sit in the back of the classroom and don't bother anybody that actually has a chance of learning something. Yeah. So and I was never I was never a a a stupid person. Yeah, I just did stupid things like and I did when I enrolled in college here, that that was one of my biggest like fears. But then I graduate with a three point nine five GPA, you know? So it wasn't that I couldn't or di I just didn't want to or the way that the teachers would approach certain of us. it just like we're like, what for? You know? So our way just we I guess it's still in ourselves, we put it in ourselves, just based on our surroundings. We in our own minds were like, okay, well this is gonna be my future. Like, 'cause this is everybody else's future here in the neighborhood. 'Cause then or death, you know? So in between, just do what you want, leave it up, you know. Try to get as much money as you can. And well I just if I knew at thirteen what I know now, I think my life could have been completely different. But I'm here now, you know, I don't expect to live to eighteen years old and honestly I don't really care. But now that I'm forty two and I'm here, I can't just shake that off and be like, Okay, well I made it, I'm one of the lucky ones. No, I'm one of the lucky ones because there's something more than I'm supposed to be doing. So that's what I try to do now. I try to mentor youth who are heavy towards that path. And I try to open their eyes to the lies. You know, there's nothing glorious about that lifestyle. Yeah, the money comes and it goes. I've never really on this side of the border, I've never met a retired dog dealer. Though I was there doing life in prison or death. So, you know, and at one point in my life I was stupid enough to wanna live up to that. But now that I know the truth, I try to impart that wisdom with as many youth as possible. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, it it sounds like there were a combination of factors at play here. One was just a lack of possibilities being visible and obvious to you growing up, right? You kind of talked about everybody just follows this one path, coupled with lack of mentorship, maybe low expectations of teachers in the education system. And also sort of this inherent feel fear of failure, which I think a lot of people can relate to because it's like, what good is being successful? Because there's no model for how to use success in the world that I've grown up in. speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah, d definitely. And it's yeah, it's definitely a combination of all that. But then you know, I took a sociology class and that's what really opened my eyes to the whole the whole The way we look, you know, social learning theory. We your environment influences you. And by seeing all all these drug leaders, gang members, people getting shot, people getting stacked, people being beat up all the time, it just it checks your mind and you start mimicking that. You start growing up to be that because that's what's all around you, you know? and I'm not saying it's impossible because I've seen people do it who grew up in the same environment. My uncle. My uncle that let me move here. He grew up in that same environment and as soon as he graduated high school he left he left for college. he went to UCLA and then from UCLA he transferred to UC Santa Cruz and he in the summer times he would come down and take He'll take my older brother, his baby brother, and myself. He'll take us up mouth up to Mona California and he'll try to show us a different part of the world. Try to show us that the the blocks you guys live in, there's a whole different world, whole different possibilities. And and it was cool and I think but that Later on in life started kinda coming back to me. I was like 'cause I remember being twenty eight in prison, laying on my bunk and just thinking of those summers and then thinking, What else can I do? Like I'm getting tired of this life already, you know? There's so much pain, suffering, loneliness, and my sons getting killed all the time, sons going to prison all the time. what else is there out there for me? And full circle moment it happened to be him that gave me that opportunity to become something else. And yeah, I moved to Albuquerque and he gave me one condition. Hey if you didn't live in my house, you're gonna go to college. And that was it. No discussion. And that's what really did it for me, you know. I took two classes the first one 'cause I was an oldist and I was thirty three and I got I aced I got two lilies. And that's kinda like what kinda made me think, Okay, well yeah, I could do this. So then I just I haven't looked back. Well I'm I'm on road full time right now at UNM, the University of New Mexico and I should be done with my bachelor's degree next term. These are all things I never imagined possible. But by taking the chance, they are possible and I think A lot of people are growing up in those environments. They just have to open up their own minds to their own realm of possibilities. And then they'll see that they could do it. And that's basically what I try to do for people. Just I when I work with somebody, I'm not trying to change them. I plant seeds. I just put little seeds in our head, little seeds of encouragement. And it's happened where six months to a year later they reach they reach out back to me and They're like, Hey, well yeah, let's could we check that out? Can you help me around school? Can you help me get my G B, you know? And that's really how I go how I approach my working community. I just plant seeds and hopefully they start building before something tragic happens, you know. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah. So you've talked a little bit about childhood, youth. You talked about the the impact of moving to New Mexico and how that that time with your uncle has really shaped your perspective and propelled you forward. Let's fill in the gaps for some of the listeners. So there was a point where you were facing a jail sentence and you find yourself in prison. Tell us a little bit about what happened to get you there and the prison experience. speaker-0: Sure. The first time around well, I I had got into kind of like low level dealing around thirteen, fourteen. my first case ever as an adult was I got caught with ninety ninety seven pounds of marijuana and You know like in all that life, all this stuff is like you have at least I had a mental checklist. You know, anytime something happens, like okay, you get busted for something, big check. Okay, like what's next on the list. you know, like I had been in numerous shootouts, been stabbed, prison riots, all that stuff, you know. But It's kinda like I tell people, the same energy you put into a criminal lifestyle all that energy is transferable to a good lifestyle to a a a a lifestyle that doesn't involve any criminal element 'cause just like back then okay, I get busted, I come out. I it it didn't make me want to build up, I just kept pursuing and then prison is like a a big networking criminal conference. You know, you go there and learn how to do one type of crime. You come out and learn how to do five others. It's just people talking to each other, people connecting with each other. So when I got out the first time, I had connections now in other parts of California where I did it before. Well that now I could traffic drugs from Los Angeles to that part of California. And you just were basically building criminal enterprise. So taking all that energy that I had back then and just shifting it to a life of during good for the community, it's it's it's pretty easy, you know. We just have to like I always tell people you have to find your reason. You have to find your why. And for me it was my mother. But the last time I was in there, an in me a wind me that I had dumb time with before One of the funniest guys you would ever meet. I would love being around this guy 'cause he'll make a day go by fast. So this particular day he was just in a day room, not talking to anybody. So I asked his cellmate, what's going on with this dude? And he's like, Well, his mom died. The chaplain came this morning to six AM and let him know that his mom died. his mom passed away and he flipped out. He went crazy. So that day I was sitting in my cell just thinking like damn I don't wanna I don't wanna be in prison when my mom dies, you know. So so I called my mother like later on that week and I told her, Hey, when I get out this time, I'm I'm gonna move. I'ma leave I was gonna leave to Mexico and What's my my brilliant thinking? I was like, Well, if I if I if I'm not the one in LA selling the drugs, but if I'm the one in Mexico sending it to somebody in LA, I can still take care of my mom, whatever I have to do. And then like right before I got out, she's the one that told me, Well look, I talked to your uncle and you can move to New Mexico if you want. Just try it. Try it out for me. And so far I did and so she was my reason and I had a whole plan already. I'll go for a few months and then I'll leave. 'cause I didn't think anything else was possible for me. I didn't know how to do anything else. You know. So then he made me go to college and then I figured out, whoa, you know what? I got A's, I could do this. So then I stuck around. Okay, I'll stick around one more time and one more time turned into nine years. I've been here nine years now, you know. And of made career out of it, you know. we live comfortably now. My my mom and my grandma live with me now, you know, we we I i it's just I won't tell her this enough, it's just like I know I put her through a lot. I realized it about two years ago, all the bullshit I put her through. So like she wasn't have to worry about me now when I use ours, you know. And it might not seem like much. But like to me it's a lot. But I could leave the house and she doesn't have to worry about me coming back or her getting a call at two, three in the morning and I'm dead somewhere, you know? Mm-hmm. speaker-1: Yeah. There were a couple of things that you shared that I I want to just kind of react to. one is this idea that even though we have different backgrounds, there was still something that you said that felt very, very true for me, is this idea of going through a a checklist of accomplishments. I mean, your list of accomplishments looked very different from mine, but sort of this continual striving that you were shooting for, I think, is a really interesting point. The other thing that you talked about that I think is interesting is this idea of the importance of building networks. I mean, you talked about going in, making these connections, and then when you would leave the prison system, you had now had a network of other people that that could help you expand your criminal enterprises for the second go round. The last thing that you said that was kind of surprising to me, even though we've we've talked at length through the TEDx rehearsal process. Is that if I understood you correctly, even though you realized, okay, I don't want to live, I don't want, I don't want to be in prison when my mom dies, it wasn't until after you got out and you had stayed out for a while and you had moved that you started to see the possibilities of for something different. Did I hear that right? speaker-0: Yeah, defin definitely. Well, you kinda mentioned this when you were when you were you know, during the whole course of you developing your speech, you said you said that when we lost your job, you lost your identity. remember saying that? You know, and then then we were speaker-1: yeah, yeah. speaker-0: you lost your s so being married to Albuquerque, I lost my sense of identity like I was a gang members from Los Angeles with homeboys, a whole criminal network, a whole nother network of drug trafficking. Like okay, now I'm a normal cookie, who the fuck am I? Yeah. Who am I? What am I to do? speaker-1: Okay everyone, that's it for this episode of Through the Shit. I'm going to leave you with a bit of a cliffhanger. Angel's made it to Albuquerque, he's left behind the environment he grew up in, the people he knew, and the survival identity he spent years building. Now he's facing a question that in some form I think a lot of us have faced at different points in our life. Who the fuck am I now? When you go through the shit, it reveals a hidden truth, some Critical part of your life that no longer fits what you're trying to build. So how do you figure out who you're becoming when you can't rely on who you used to be? That's where Angel and I pick up in part two. We talk about the people and unexpected opportunities that helped him find a new sense of identity and purpose, and how the skills he once used to survive on the streets became the very skills he now uses to lead and serve others. We also get into imposter syndrome. The question of whether we really belong in the rooms we've worked so hard to enter, and what happens when support and timing show up at a moment when we're close to making a very different choice. Rebuilding your life isn't just about leaving the past behind. Sometimes it's about learning to see yourself and what you're capable of in an entirely different way. Part two drops in two weeks, so follow or subscribe to Through the Shit so you don't miss it. Listeners, thanks as always for listening, and I'll see you on the flip side. That's it for this episode of Through the Shit. Thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, like, share, and subscribe, and maybe send it to someone who needs a boost because they're going through the shit. While you're at it, tell them how important they are to you. If you have a story of shit to share or you're in the shit now, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at through the shitpodcast at gmail.com. Or go to our website at throughthe shit.com. I'll see you on the flip side.