Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 234: Self-Differentiation: How to Stop Losing Yourself in Relationships

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234: Self-Differentiation: How to Stop Losing Yourself in Relationships · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

0:21
Do you ever feel like you've lost yourself?
0:24
Or maybe you've noticed that you sometimes change little things about yourself depending on who it is that you're with in the moment.
0:29
And maybe it's something really simple, like changing what it is that you wear or how you speak or the jokes that you laugh at.
0:36
Or maybe it's something a little bit bigger, like changing your values or ignoring your boundaries around certain people.
0:43
Or maybe it's about keeping your opinions to yourself because you're afraid that somebody else, they might not like what it is that you have to say.
0:50
Especially during times of stress or conflict, it can be really easy to lose sight of who it is that you are and lose sight of what actually matters to you.
1:00
Many of us have been conditioned to prioritize other people's comfort, to not rock the boat, to keep the peace, to adjust ourselves to whatever it is that other people want from us in order to make other people happy.
1:12
And sometimes that works.
1:14
We're able to avoid the uncomfortable conversation.
1:17
We're able to prevent a disagreement, and we get to feel included for that moment.
1:22
But over time, then something else starts to happen.
1:26
We start to feel disconnected from ourselves, and we might not even know what it is that we want anymore because we've become so used to asking everybody else what it is that they want.
1:35
And that's what we're going to be talking about today, is the idea of self-differentiation, which is essentially the idea that, okay, how can I remain connected to myself as I'm working to still connect with other people?
1:47
Because the truth is that you can love somebody without agreeing with everything that they say.
1:51
You can care about somebody's feelings without making their feelings your personal responsibility, and you can be willing to compromise with other people without always be the one to give something up.
2:03
Today, we're going to be looking at four ways that we tend to abandon ourselves in a relationship, as well as four tools to help us to stand in our own power, even when somebody else, they might not like what it is that we're doing.
2:13
Okay?
2:14
So story number one, shifting your values to fit in.
2:18
We're gonna start out talking about people-pleasing Pam.
2:20
And Pam, she has always believed that people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
2:25
She believes that it is not okay to make fun of other people or to tear them down behind their backs.
2:30
But lately, she's been spending some time with a group of women that, yeah, she wants to connect with them, she enjoys their company, and she wants to feel like she belongs with that group.
2:40
But the problem is that these women, they seem to have very different values when it comes to how it is that they talk about other people.
2:48
They're constantly criticizing somebody.
2:50
They're making fun of their choices.
2:52
They're looking for something negative to say, and it just feels really, really uncomfortable.
2:56
But as uncomfortable as it is to just hear them talking in that way, what makes Pam feel even more uncomfortable is the recognition that,"oh my goodness, I have started laughing along with them." She doesn't necessarily think that what it is that they're saying is funny, and often she doesn't even agree with them at all.
3:13
But in the moment, then she tells herself,"But if I disagree with them, if I don't laugh along, they might not like me.
3:21
I don't wanna be the difficult one.
3:23
I don't wanna be the party pooper, so it's probably better to just laugh and go along with it." And honestly, she's feeling really uncomfortable in this moment because she has basically two different forms of discomfort that she could choose into.
3:34
So she could choose into the discomfort of speaking up and risking feeling left out, or she can choose into the discomfort of laughing along with them and avoiding making things awkward in that moment, but having internal conflict.
3:48
So she chooses that second option in an attempt to maintain relationship.
3:52
And maybe nobody really notices, and life just kinda goes on, the conversation moves forward, and everybody just continues to have a good time.
3:59
But for Pam, she's noticing a difference in herself.
4:03
She knows that she hasn't acted in a way that really feels true to her and true to her values.
4:08
She's traded a little bit of her integrity for the temporary comfort of fitting in.
4:15
And the more that she does that, the harder it becomes for her to trust herself and to like herself.
4:21
Because now every time that she ignores what it is that matters to her in order to gain somebody else's approval, then she's essentially sending a message to herself that other people's opinions are more important than my personal values.
4:33
Now, wanting to belong, there's nothing wrong with that.
4:36
We are all humans.
4:37
We are all seeking connection.
4:39
The problem isn't that Pam wants these women to like her.
4:42
The problem is when all of that becomes more important than respecting her own value system.
4:47
Story number two, shifting your boundaries.
4:50
Next, let's talk about Sarah.
4:52
Sarah is at a social gathering when somebody raises their voice, and they speak to her disrespectfully.
4:57
And she's feeling really uncomfortable when that happens, and she doesn't like the way that she's being treated, especially because she's in front of other people.
5:04
It makes things so much more uncomfortable.
5:06
And part of her wants to say something and stand up for herself, but another part of her kinda starts negotiating in her own head.
5:14
She thinks,"Well, I don't wanna make things awkward for everybody else here at the party.
5:18
I'm probably being too sensitive anyway.
5:21
Maybe I should just let it go and not say anything." So she laughs it off, and she pretends that it doesn't bother her.
5:29
And on the outside, on the surface, then yeah, everything seems fine.
5:33
The conversations continue, and nobody has to deal with that uncomfortable moment.
5:37
We just kind of collectively decided that that didn't happen.
5:40
But on the inside, Sarah's feeling upset, and she keeps replaying that conversation in her head.
5:46
She's thinking about what she should've said instead.
5:49
She's feeling disrespected.
5:51
She's feeling really frustrated with herself for not speaking up, for not defending herself, and the truth is that this isn't the first time that this has happened.
6:00
Sarah has a habit of putting her own needs aside because she doesn't want other people to feel uncomfortable.
6:06
She tells herself that this is the kind thing to do.
6:09
She tells herself that,"No, this is how I keep the peace." But sometimes, while she might be keeping the peace for those around her, she's not keeping the peace inside of her.
6:20
And over time, then that lack of internal peace, it can lead to resentment, frustration, and relationships that feel increasingly disrespectful and one-sided.
6:32
Now, Sarah, she doesn't need to become really aggressive and confrontational.
6:35
She doesn't need to turn every single uncomfortable interaction into a big conversation.
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But it is important to acknowledge that her needs matter too.
6:43
She can be kind and respectful while still communicating that,"Hey, that's not okay with me." So she might say something like,"Hey, I am willing to allow this conversation to continue, but I am not willing to allow it to continue if you're going to speak to me in that disrespectful tone." The other person, they might respond well to what it is that she has to say, or they might get defensive.
7:05
They might need some time to cool off.
7:06
Sarah cannot control that.
7:08
But she can choose to communicate in a way that respects both herself and the other person that,"Hey, that's not okay with me." And that's a very different experience from pretending that she's okay when she actually isn't.
7:22
All right, story number three, changing your identity.
7:26
So let's talk about Emma.
7:28
Emma has started to notice that she seems to be a completely different person depending on who it is that she's around in that moment.
7:33
So at work, then she's very agreeable, she's very professional.
7:37
She rarely shares an opinion that might create a disagreement.
7:40
When she's with her friends, then she's a little bit more sarcastic and playful.
7:45
She might even make jokes that she doesn't find particularly funny, but it gets a good laugh, so that's how she shows up there.
7:52
Around her family, then she keeps certain opinions to herself because she doesn't wanna start anything.
7:57
She doesn't wanna upset anybody, so she really shrinks herself.
8:00
And when she's with somebody that she really wants to impress, then she pays very close attention to what it is that they like, what it is that they believe, and how it is that they behave so that she can start to mirror that.
8:11
And then almost without even realizing it, then she starts adjusting herself to match what it is that they're looking for exactly.
8:19
Now, there is nothing wrong with adapting yourself to different situations.
8:22
That's totally fine.
8:23
I mean, let's be honest we probably do speak very differently to our boss than we do our best friend, and we probably behave very differently at a formal event than we do when we're at home in our pajamas, and that's completely normal.
8:35
But the problem is when Emma starts to feel like she has to hide parts of herself in order to be accepted.
8:41
She's become so used to reading a room and trying to figure out who it is that she needs to be in order for other people to like her that she sometimes struggles to answer the question,"Okay, but what do I actually think?
8:53
How do I actually wanna show up?
8:55
What do I actually believe?" She might know what it is that her friends think.
9:00
She might know what it is that her family expects of her and how everybody else expects her to show up.
9:05
She knows what it is that's going to make other people feel comfortable around her, so she can show up in those specific ways.
9:10
But when it comes to her own preferences, opinions, and desires, then things seem to get a little bit fuzzy for her.
9:17
And sometimes she honestly wonders whether people actually know her at all.
9:22
Because if she's always showing people the version of herself that she thinks that they'll like best, then how can they know if they actually like the real her?
9:30
And how can she feel truly known if she's constantly hiding those parts of herself?
9:35
Now, Emma, she doesn't need to become exactly the same person in every single situation, and she doesn't need to share every single opinion and reveal every single part of herself to every single person.
9:45
But it is helpful to learn how to adapt to different situations without completely disappearing.
9:51
She can listen to other people's perspectives without automatically adopting them.
9:55
She can enjoy things that other people enjoy without pretending to like every single thing that they like.
10:01
And she can allow herself to have her own thoughts, preferences, and personality, even if it doesn't match those around her.
10:09
Okay, story number four, making yourself smaller.
10:12
So now let's talk about Diana.
10:14
Diana has been building her Etsy store for years now, and honestly, it's really starting to take off.
10:19
She's been making engraved cutting boards, and she's been working really hard to turn something that she enjoys into a successful business.
10:26
She is super proud of what she's built, and honestly, she's starting to make some pretty good money.
10:30
Her customers love her products.
10:32
But when somebody asks her what she does for a living, she really downplays it.
10:37
So she might say,"Oh, I just make a few things on Etsy here and there." And she doesn't mention how successful her business has become.
10:44
She doesn't talk about her products.
10:45
And before long, then she has now shifted the conversation back to the other person because it feels so uncomfortable to talk about herself.
10:53
And why?
10:54
Because part of her worry is that talking about her own success, it's gonna sound boastful.
10:59
And what if they think she's full of herself?
11:02
What if they start to feel uncomfortable?
11:04
What if they don't like her very much?
11:05
What if they don't like her product?
11:07
And so she makes herself smaller.
11:10
She minimizes something that she's worked really hard to build so that she doesn't risk making somebody else feel a little bit uncomfortable in the moment.
11:18
And here's the thing is Diana, she doesn't need to brag about her business.
11:21
She doesn't need to inflate her ego.
11:23
She doesn't need to dominate every conversation and make it about herself, but she is allowed to be proud of what it is that she's accomplished.
11:31
She's allowed to talk about her work.
11:33
She's allowed to take up space in a conversation without immediately handing the spotlight back to somebody else.
11:39
Because being humble, it doesn't require pretending that you're less capable or that you're less successful or that you're less interesting than you actually are.
11:50
And being kind, it doesn't mean that you need to make yourself smaller.
11:56
So do you see yourself in any of these stories?
11:59
Maybe you've laughed along with something that you didn't agree with because you wanted to fit in, or maybe you stayed silent when somebody crossed your boundary because you didn't want to upset them.
12:08
Maybe you find yourself becoming a different version of yourself depending on who's in the room, or maybe you have a really hard time letting yourself be seen because you're afraid that other people, they might judge you.
12:19
If you recognize yourself in any of these examples, I want you to know that nothing is wrong with you.
12:24
It actually makes so much sense that you have learned how to adjust yourself in order to keep the peace, and especially if you have spent years believing that other people's approval is what's going to keep you safe and loved and connected.
12:37
Those patterns, then they may have helped you to avoid conflict or help you to feel accepted in the past, but just because patterns make sense, it doesn't mean that that pattern, that it needs to keep running your life.
12:48
You can learn how to tolerate disagreement.
12:51
You can learn how to express your needs.
12:53
You can learn how to let people have their own opinions about you without making those opinions be a measurement of your own worth.
13:00
And you can learn how to trust yourself even when other people might not agree with you, Now let me share with you four questions that you can ask yourself to see if you're actually abandoning yourself.
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And pay really close attention to how these feel in your body.
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Notice which ones really resonate with you, and remember those questions and reflect on them later, okay?
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So here's some questions.
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Am I abandoning what I believe in order to gain acceptance?
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Am I abandoning my needs because I'm afraid of upsetting someone?
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Am I hiding parts of who I am because I'm afraid that I won't fit in?
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Am I making myself smaller because I'm afraid of how somebody else might respond if I let myself be seen?
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Now, you don't need to judge yourself by these answers, but please just notice them.
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Recognize the pattern,.
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Because recognizing the pattern, that's the first step.
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And learning to respond differently, that's what's going to help you to change it.
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So let's talk about four tools that you can start practicing today, okay?
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Tool number one: stop making their reaction your responsibility.
14:04
One of the biggest challenges for people pleasers is that we tend to take on a little bit too much responsibility.
14:10
We don't just take responsibility for our own behavior, but we take responsibility for how it is that everybody else feels about it, too.
14:17
We try to find the perfect words so that nobody's upset.
14:20
We take on extra work so that nobody's disappointed, or that they don't feel overworked.
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We avoid expressing our needs because we don't wanna create an uncomfortable moment for anyone.
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And sometimes we even take responsibility for fixing other people's problems that we actually had no part in creating.
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And while that might seem like a kindness in the moment, ultimately it can create imbalances in our relationship and lead us toward abandoning ourselves.
14:44
So here's something important I really want you to understand.
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A relationship, it involves two separate people.
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And each of those people, they're going to have their own thoughts, their own feelings, their own preferences, and their own responsibilities.
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And you, you're responsible for how you treat other people, right?
15:01
That is your responsibility.
15:02
You are responsible for your words.
15:05
You are responsible for your actions.
15:06
You are responsible for your own level of honesty and for the way that you handle your mistakes.
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That is yours to own.
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But you are not responsible for making sure that nobody else feels uncomfortable.
15:17
You're not responsible to make sure that nobody else feels disappointed or upset with you.
15:22
The other person, they're responsible for communicating their own needs, their own wants, their own boundaries.
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All of that is on them.
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It's not up to you to just divine those things for them.
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If somebody has a request, then they are responsible for communicating it.
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And if you have a request, then you're the one responsible for communicating that.
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And neither one of you is required to automatically know what it is that the other person wants.
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And neither of you is responsible for making sure the other person always likes every single decision that you make.
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Now, this doesn't mean that we get to ignore the impact of our behavior.
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If we hurt someone, then yeah, we can listen, we can take responsibility, we can apologize, and we can make things right.
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But taking responsibility for our behavior is very different than taking responsibility for and controlling somebody else's feelings.
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So next time that you feel pressured to agree with somebody when you actually don't agree, or when you find yourself saying yes when you actually want to say no, or if you find yourself staying silent when you want to speak up, then I want you to just pause and ask yourself three questions.
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First, what am I actually responsible for here?
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Maybe you're responsible for being honest.
16:30
Maybe you're responsible for communicating respectfully or for following through on a commitment.
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But get really clear on, okay, what is actually my responsibility in this moment?
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Second, what am I trying to control?
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Are you trying to control their opinion of you?
16:44
Are you trying to control their perception?
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Are you trying to control their level of disappointment or their emotional experience?
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What is it that you're trying to control right now?
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And third, what would I choose to do if I actually allowed them to have their own feelings and didn't make that my responsibility?
16:59
Now, let's go back to Sarah for just a moment.
17:01
Somebody raised their voice at her, and she wants to speak up, but her first thought is,"Well, how do I say this in a way that's not gonna make them upset?
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How am I gonna say this in front of other people that's not gonna make this so awkward?" Now, when that is her first question, then that is actually her trying to own their emotional experience, and that is not actually her responsibility.
17:21
So what if instead she asked a different question?
17:23
What if instead she asked,"Okay, how can I communicate respectfully while allowing them to still decide how it is that they want to respond?" So she might say something like,"Hey, I am willing to talk about this, but I'm not comfortable being spoken to in that way." Now, she cannot guarantee that the other person's going to like it when she says that, but them liking it is not the goal.
17:42
The goal is to act in a way that she can feel good about herself regardless of their response, to respond in a way that really helps her to feel like she's being respectful of herself.
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And there's something that I really want you to remember here is your job is to show up as the person that you want to be, not to make everybody else feel comfortable with who that person is.
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Okay, the second tool that we're gonna be talking about is separating out what actually happened from what it is that you're making it mean.
18:07
In other words, separating out the fact from the story.
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Because so often it's not the actual situation that's keeping us stuck, but it's the story in our mind that's keeping us stuck.
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For example, maybe your story is,"But if I speak up, they're going to abandon me.
18:22
If I disagree with them, they're not going to like me anymore.
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If I say no, they're going to think I'm selfish and not helpful.
18:30
If I let myself be successful, they're gonna think I'm full of myself." Now, these thoughts, they might feel like facts, but they're actually just stories, and they're not very supportive stories either.
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They're keeping you small.
18:43
So going back to Sarah, the fact is that somebody raised their voice at her.
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That's what happened.
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That's the fact.
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It's also a fact that that's crossing a boundary for her.
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But Sarah's brain immediately starts telling her a story.
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She's thinking,"I'm probably being too sensitive.
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If I say something, it's gonna make things so awkward here at this party.
19:01
I'm just gonna be quiet.
19:03
I'm just going to keep the peace." And because she's believing those thoughts, then she just stays silent.
19:10
But when she stays silent, then she ends up feeling resentful and frustrated with herself.
19:15
Now, if Sarah separated out what actually happened from the story that she's telling herself, then she might see things a little bit differently.
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Now remember, the fact is that somebody raised their voice, and her story is,"Well, I'm too sensitive, and speaking up is gonna make things worse." But an alternative thought that is even more true may be,"My feelings are worth paying attention to, and I can communicate my needs respectfully without making it weird." Now, notice that this new thought, it does not guarantee that everybody's going to be responding well.
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I mean, maybe they'll listen.
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Maybe they'll get defensive.
19:45
Maybe they'll need some time to cool off.
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Sarah doesn't know for certain what's going to happen, but she can choose how it is that she wants to show up in a way that respects herself.
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And that's the power of separating out the facts from the stories that we tell ourselves.
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It gives us a little bit of wiggle room to consider another possibility, another possible story that we could tell ourselves, instead of just automatically acting on the very first thought that our brain offers us.
20:09
So here's a little exercise that you can practice.
20:12
Next time you notice yourself shrinking or staying silent or changing your behavior to gain approval, ask yourself,"Okay, what are the facts here?
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And what's the story that I'm telling myself about those facts?
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And is there a more supportive story that I could be telling myself here?" Now, you do not have to convince yourself that,"Oh, everything's gonna work out perfectly.
20:31
It's just gonna be amazing." You just need to recognize that your first interpretation of events is not the only interpretation.
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And remember that somebody else's reaction, it can give you more information about that particular relationship, so pay attention.
20:44
Pay attention to if there's room for mutual respect, if there's room for honest disagreement, if there's room for healthy repair.
20:51
You don't have to decide the entire future of a relationship based on one uncomfortable moment.
20:56
Every relationship is going to have its struggles.
20:58
But you can start to notice whether the relationship is going to allow you to be a whole person or not.
21:04
Because if you have to hide your values or silence your needs or pretend to be somebody else just to maintain a relationship, then it might be worth asking what that relationship is actually costing you.
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You can create connection without abandoning yourself.
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All right, tool number three, practice intentional thinking.
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Now, understanding our thoughts, it is very helpful, but what do we do when those familiar thoughts, when they just keep showing up?
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Because let's be honest, if you have spent years worrying about what it is that other people think, then you're probably not going to just wake up tomorrow and suddenly stop caring.
21:40
Your brain is going to continue to offer you the thoughts that you have practiced for years, and that's normal.
21:46
If you spent a long time believing that any disagreement is going to lead to rejection, then that thought is going to start to show up for you automatically.
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You might find yourself thinking,"Oh, they're not gonna like me," and you might be thinking that before you've even had a chance to decide what it is that you want to say.
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And that's normal.
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That's okay.
22:02
Those thoughts are going to come.
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You don't have to fight those thoughts or pretend that you don't believe them, but you can just start to notice them.
22:09
You can start to question them, and you can start to practice a thought that maybe helps you to make a more intentional choice, okay?
22:17
So that's where the intentional thinking can be helpful.
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Instead of allowing your brain to default to the same old beliefs, then instead you're going to deliberately practice thoughts that support the person that you want to become.
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Now let me give you a few examples here.
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If your old thought is,"They might think I'm being difficult," then you could practice the thought,"Well, somebody can disagree with me and still respect me." If your old thought is,"I'm probably being too sensitive," then you might practice,"My feelings are valid, and my sensitivity is a gift that can actually support a healthy connection." If your old thought is,"I don't wanna make things awkward," then instead you might practice the thought,"You know what?
22:56
It can be awkward for a little bit if it means honoring my values." If your old thought is,"I need them to like me," then you might practice,"Yes, I want connection, but I don't need to earn connection through abandoning myself." If your old thought is,"I don't know who I am anymore," then you might practice the thought,"I can get to know myself one choice at a time." Now, I don't want you to hear those examples and then suddenly feel like,"Oh, there's another thing I have to get exactly right.
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I have to memorize every single one of those sentences now." You do not need to memorize every single thought, and you do not need to convince yourself that,"Oh, yep, I'm suddenly fearless.
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I'm just gonna be amazing now.
23:35
I'm not gonna make any mistakes ever again." But instead, I want you to just pick one thought.
23:40
Pick one thought that speaks to your specific struggle or your specific situation.
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So maybe it's the fear of disappointing people.
23:48
Maybe it's the fear of being judged.
23:50
Maybe it's the fear that if you speak up, that somebody's gonna stop loving you.
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But identify what your current problem is and write down your new thought and put it somewhere that you can see it.
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And then when that old thought shows up, just notice it.
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So you might say to yourself,"Oh, yep, there's that old fear of being rejected again," and then gently remind yourself of the new thought that you've been practicing.
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And you can even ask yourself,"Okay, if I believed this new thought just a little bit more, what might I do differently right now?" Maybe you'd actually share your opinion.
24:19
Maybe you would say no to a request.
24:22
Maybe you would stop apologizing for something that doesn't actually require an apology.
24:26
Or maybe you would allow yourself to talk about something that you're proud of without immediately minimizing it.
24:33
The goal here it isn't to force yourself to feel more confident, but it's just to practice a new way of thinking, a new way of being, to practice thoughts that help you to make choices that better align with your values.
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And then over time, as you practice making those choices, then you can give yourself more evidence that,"Okay, yes, I'm there for me.
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I trust myself.
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I have my own back.
24:54
Yes, I am prioritizing my own boundaries, my values, my beliefs, and it's okay for me to do that.
25:00
It's a very good thing." You can start practicing in small ways now to stop abandoning yourself and to just give yourself a voice.
25:08
Okay, and then that leads perfectly into tool number four, practice being yourself in small and meaningful ways, and see if you can just build it into everyday moments.
25:17
Because yeah, you can understand all of this intellectually and still find yourself laughing at a joke that you don't think is funny or saying yes when you want to say no.
25:25
Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things, and that's where coaching comes in, right?
25:31
When you're used to adjusting yourself to other people, then it can take practice to, first of all, identify those patterns, and second, to try something different.
25:40
So I want you to start small.
25:42
If somebody asks you for your opinion, then practice giving them your honest answer.
25:46
And guess what?
25:47
Having a difference of opinion, it doesn't mean that there's an argument.
25:50
It's okay to just say,"Hey, you know what?
25:52
I actually see things differently, and that's okay." If somebody asks you to do something, you can practice pausing before you give them an answer.
26:01
You might say something like,"Let me check my schedule, and I'll get back to you." Give yourself some time to decide whether you actually want to say yes, and whether you actually have the capacity to follow through with their request or not.
26:12
If somebody crosses a boundary, practice expressing your needs respectfully.
26:16
You might say something like,"I'm not comfortable with that," or,"I'd like us to talk without raising our voices." And if somebody asks you about one of your accomplishments, let yourself talk about it without minimizing that accomplishment or immediately turning the conversation into something about them.
26:32
And you do not have to do all of these things at once.
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In fact, I encourage you, yet again, to pick just one small thing to practice over this next week.
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And when you do it, I want you to start measuring your success a little bit differently.
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Instead of measuring your success according to how much everybody else liked your answer, then instead ask yourself,"Okay, did I show up in a way that felt true to me?" Because that's exactly what you're practicing here.
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You're learning that you can have your own thoughts, your own preferences, needs, and values without needing everybody else around you to agree with them.
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You're learning that, hey, guess what?
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I can feel uncomfortable, and you can feel uncomfortable, and I don't immediately have to fix it or make it go away for any of us.
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And you're learning that you can make a choice that honors you and allows other people to have their own emotional reactions.
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That's how you build self-trust.
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You make a choice that reflects who it is that you want to be.
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You allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up with that choice, and then you might discover that, wow, yeah, I can handle this.
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I can show up as me.
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So how do we stop losing ourselves in our relationships?
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We start by allowing ourselves to show up as ourselves, by being willing to respect ourselves, by not over-owning other people's emotional experiences, and by holding true to our own values.
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It is possible to care about other people's feelings without taking personal responsibility for those feelings or for managing them.
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And we can want people to like us without sacrificing our voice, our values, and our beliefs.
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The next time that you notice yourself changing in order to fit in, pause and ask yourself,"What is it that I think?
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What do I want to do?
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What matters to me right now?" And then ask yourself one more question:"How would I respond to the situation if I was really, truly honoring myself?" I mean, yeah, the truth is you're still probably gonna feel a little bit nervous.
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You might still worry that somebody else is going to be disappointed.
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You might still have to remind yourself that you're allowed to have your own opinions, and that's okay.
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Because the goal is not to become somebody who never feels uncomfortable, but the goal is to become somebody who can feel uncomfortable and still honor themselves.
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The truth is that you might disappoint somebody.
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They might disagree with your choices.
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Somebody might misunderstand you, and you can survive that.
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You don't have to become less kind.
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You don't have to stop caring.
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You don't have to turn into somebody who never compromises.
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You just have to stop making yourself the person who is always the one to compromise.
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You can be a good person without being everybody's person.
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And the more you practice standing by your own values, by honoring your own boundaries, and by making choices that reflect who it is that you actually are, the more you begin to trust yourself.
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You might not know exactly who it is that you are yet, and that's okay.
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You can figure that out one small decision at a time.
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You don't have to lose yourself in order to be loved.
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You get to be a whole person.
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You get to have your own thoughts, your own needs, your own values, and your own voice, and you get to bring that person into your relationships.
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Because you do not have to choose between loving other people and being true to yourself.
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You can do both, and that's how you build connections with other people without disconnecting from yourself.
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All right, here's to another week honoring yourself.
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I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
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Bye now.