Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / How to not let people use your insecurities against you, and finally become comfortable in your own skin

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How to not let people use your insecurities against you, and finally become comfortable in your own skin · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So this podcast episode, we are talking all about insecurities.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Who is banking on your insecurities, how are they using
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: this against you, and what you can do about it,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: not only how to manage when people are using your
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: insecurities against you, but how to actually feel less insecure
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: about that thing. It could be a social insecurity, it
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: could be an insecurity about your appearance. It could be
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: an insecurity in your abilities, maybe in work or in
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: something that you do. It is a very broad episode,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: and my aim is that you can apply this to
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: as many different areas of your life as possible. I'm
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: also going to be talking about dealing with other people
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: that have insecurities and what's kind of like a good
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: way to go about it. And funnily enough, I was
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: going through all like the listener questions that had been submitted,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: and there was one that came through just a couple
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: of days ago, and I was like, this is fucking
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: perfect listener question to wrap up this episode where we're
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: dealing with someone who has a friend who's going through
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: something like this and it's coming off as being super
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: super jealous. So I really want to talk about that
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: as well. I thought this is the perfect listener question
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: to kind of wrap up today's episode. If you do
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: follow my do you Fucking Mind? Instagram page, you will
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: know that I did put up a post talking about
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: how I want to be doing an episode on like
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: the Slow Life and all of that. So that's coming Friday.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: We're talking about how to kind of lean into that
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: slow life while still really following and working hard towards
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: your goals, still doing the things, all the things that
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: you want to be doing, but feeling calmer, more level headed,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: more balanced, if that's even the word that you want
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: to use, and how you can how you can basically
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: kind of have it all while feeling like you're slowing
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: the fuck down. Okay, So we're going to be talking
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: about that on Friday now. Also, again, if you don't
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: follow me on socials, I've decided to change my Monday
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: episode to the Tuesday episode. There's a couple of reasons
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: for it. I think it's nice to have a Tuesday
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: episode release because I was looking at, like, when I
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: look at all the podcasts that I follow, so many
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: of them are released on a Monday. So I'm like,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: why didn't I change it up and just release it
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: on a Tuesday. But probably and realistically, the main reason
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: why I am changing it to the Tuesday is because
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: given that my time management looks significantly different these days
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: with having the kids, sometimes it ends up I'm unable
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: to record an episode or I don't get round to
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: recording the Monday episode, and then I intend to do
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: it over the weekends, but the weekends always get completely
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: away from me. But Monday is a day where I
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: really can lock in and do a lot of work
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: and organizing, So it just gives me that buffer so
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: I can be way more consistent with the release of
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: the episode on the Tuesday. So from now on, the
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Monday episode is now going to be released on a Tuesday.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Good times. Now let's get into the brain factor of today.
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: I wanted to do another pharmacology kind of episode because
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: you know how much I love pharmacology, So I thought
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: we could talk about the drug that's been canceled called
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: fen Fen. If anyone has ever heard of it, hectic
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: and if you haven't, this is what I'm here for.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: I'm going to talk to you guys about this really
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: popular drug. It was a weight loss drug and it
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: was a combination of two drugs, and it was really
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: wild widely used in the nineties, and it was so
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: fucking bad for you that it was very quickly withdrawn
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: from the market in nineteen ninety seven because it was
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: linked to a lot of fatal heart valve damage conditions
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: and something called primary pulmonary hypertension. So why why lose
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: weight when you can lose weight and die basically, Okay,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So it's called It was called fenfen and the two
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: drugs that they combined were fen fluoramine and fenamine, okay,
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: And it worked because fenfluoramine boosted serotonin levels, and it
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: basically when you when you increase I'm gonna go into
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: the mechanism of action of both the drugs, but when you,
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: you know, in increase the serotonin levels, you have a
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: more increased feeling of fullness. And fentamine is pretty much
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: like an anthetamine, and therefore it's such a stimulant, and
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: stimulants are likely to suppress your appetite as well. And
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: because it wasn't really approved, it was something called off label,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: and it's famously known or prescribed as something called off
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: label because it was never formally approved by the FDA
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: in the United States, and this combination of having both
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: the drugs used together that was just not really something
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: that I think would have been approved. I don't think.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: And yeah, literally millions of people were taking it. By
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: nineteen ninety six, there were millions of people taking fen fen,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: and there was more and more and more evidence of
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: this like cardiac toxicity, and therefore that is why they
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: obviously had to pull it from the market. And I'm
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: not sure kind of how it works with this like
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: off label and approved and not approved, Like, I don't
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: understand how it was for sale even though it wasn't approved,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: and what the regulations were like then obviously they would
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: have tied into the regulation since then. But yeah, that's
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: kind of what happened. So before we go into mechanism
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: of action, let's talk about the actual complications this valvular
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: heart disease which was caused by fen fluoramine. The first
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: fen in fen fen, which is an f e N
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: versus pH e N for fhenamine like what anyway, So
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: fen fluoramine caused damage to the actual heart valves because
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: it would force blood to kind of leak backwards into
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: the valves and it would cause heart murmurs, shortness of breath, fatigue,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: so obviously not fucking good for your heart. And then
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: you would also have this primary pulmonary hypertension PPH, and
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: it's this potentially fatal really high blood pressure in the
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: lungs and it's directly associated with the use of fen
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: fluoramine as well. So both of these complications are linked
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: to fenfloramine specifically, the first fen of fenfen it was
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: the reports. The early reports were that the estimated fatalities
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: were three h hundred deaths. Can you wrap your head
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: around that? Three hundred deaths? And that was before the
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: drug was pulled off the market. But because this PPH,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: that primary pulmonary hypertension is a slow progressing condition. Now
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: looking back, they can see that there's been thousands of
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: lawsuits where there's been like cardiovascular injuries and other fatalities
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: linked to the use of fenfen. So obviously, due to that,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: feenfla amine is no longer sold for general weight loss,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: and phenamine is actually still legally and safely prescribed as
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: a weight loss medication, and they sometimes do combine it
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: with other approved drugs. But I'm not even going to
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: go into that. So let's talk about the mechanism of
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: action of fen number one, which is flu remine. So
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: this is a serotonin releasing agent. It's also known as
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: an SRA, and it's like quite a potent serotonin releasing agent.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: And it's also a receptor and agonist. Okay, So you
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: know when I was talking about I think it was
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: last week, an agonist or an antagonist. An antagonist is
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: something that's going to kind of compete or do the opposite,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: and an agonist kind of like boosts or bumps up something. Okay,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: So this is an agonist at the at the serotonin receptor. Okay.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: So what's happening here is you're increasing the serotonin levels
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: in the extracellular space. So serotonin is in the cell
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: and then it gets released out of the cell to
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: go to the next cell. But what you're doing is
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: you're increasing all that serotonin kind of floating around in
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: that extracellular space, and therefore you're raising the overall serotonin
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: levels in the brain. And this really does impact or
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: modulates the neurotransmission and the activity between neurotransmits. Now, fenfluramine
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: is actually used to control seizures and seizure activity because
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: there's I'm not even going to go into it, but
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: basically there's a link between serotonin receptors and kind of
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: this inhibitory excitatory signaling. But anyway, I don't even want
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: to go into that because it's not relevant to what
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about now. But anyway, so you're getting this
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: disruption in how the serotonin is being released, and then
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: because of that, because of this increase in serotonin, you're
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: where we are seeing an increase in the hypothalamus. This
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: is a specific area in the brain, the hypothalamus, and
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: when there are higher levels of serotonin, specifically in the hypothalamus,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: it suppresses hunger because serotonin plays this really specific role
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: in controlling the choices of food that you eat. So often,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: when you have higher levels of serotonin in the hypothalamus,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: it's going to reduce your desire for carbohydrates and fats
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: for example. Okay, so that is quite effective. When you
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: take fen fluoramine, you're getting that, you know, increase in
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: serotonin and extracellular space, specifically in the hypothalamus among other
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: areas of the brain. That's why it also helps with seizures,
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: but also appetites suppressant and yeah, then you're obviously eating less.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Then you've got the phentamine, which is the second fen
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: of fen fen, and the mechanism of action is it's
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: similar to an amphetamine A. It's an amine, a sympathomimetic amine,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: so it mimics, right, and that suppresses appetites. So when
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: you look at amphetamines in general, you're going to see
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: a bit of an appetite suppressant because it is a
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: stimulant of the central nervous system and it releases neurotransmitters,
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: neurochemicals like neuropinephrine and dopamine in the hypothalamus, and that's
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: what's setting off this fight or flight. When you are
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: in fight or flight, the last thing you're going to
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: do is eat, because the opposite of fight or flight
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: is rest and digest So when you're hyperstimulated, when you're
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: like like basically you're on like you know, an amphetamine.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: You know, ice isn't amphetamine, right, So when you're like
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: peaking at that level, the last thing on these people's
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: minds is hunger, Okay, So it kind of tricks the
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: brain into feeling full or just basically not hungry at
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: all or not thinking about food. But it's also really
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: ramping up this resting energy spending expenditure. So we've got
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: this neurotransmitter release, this monoamine releasing agent. We've got neuropenephron
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: which has been stimulated, and a higher release of dopamine
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: as well, but more so neuropenephyrine. And like I said,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: you're getting this suppression of appetite, and it's also diverting
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: the body to burn stored fat as well. And then
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: the dopamine as well, not as much as no oprefferent,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: but the dopamine as well. Then we've got this prevention
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: of reuptake, so it releases more of these neurotransmitters, but
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: you're all also inhibiting the reuptake. So the presynaptic neuron
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: this is really important, and this is what happens in
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: a lot of safe antidepressant drugs as well. It's it's
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: based around a reuptake inhibition. You've got one neuron which
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: is releasing a chemical that we need. The other neuron
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: is receiving it, so you presynaptic, the synaps is the gap.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Pre synaptic releases the neurotransmitter, let's say dopamine for the
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: sake of what we're talking about. Then you've got the
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: synaps the gap, and then you've got the post synaptic neuron.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: What happens is once that action occurs, once the post
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: synaptic neuron opens the channels allows that neurochemical to come
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: in or to have its action on the post synaptic neuron,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: you've still got a residual kind of leftover amount of
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: neuro transmitters in that space that gap, and you've got
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: these little transporters which basically munch up all the left
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: of it, for example, dopamine, and then they pump it
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: back in to the presynaptic cell, so the cell that
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: it came out of, anything leftover gets pumped back into
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: that cell. When you talk about this reuptake inhibitor, you're
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: inhibiting that specific action. You're inhibiting the reuptake off the
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: leftover neurochemical to be used again. Therefore, you've got more
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: of that neurochemical or neurotransmitter floating around in that space,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: and then it keeps performing its action on those other
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: cells again and again and again and again. So that's
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: what's happening when you have an inhibition of the reuptake,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: and it's called a reuptake inhibitor. But this one here
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: is like a mild reuptake inhibitor, so it prevents that
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: presynaptic neuron from immediately absorbing and recycling what's been released,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: and it pretty much just keeps those neurotransmitters active in
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: the brain for longer, so then it's extending its effects,
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: so it's extending that feeling of fullness. So that is
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: how fen fen worked extremely like dangerous with all the deaths,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: really really bad because no only was it causing debts,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: but it was causing like really serious heart conditions. And
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I just like fucking braaks my heart
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: when people are trying to find a solution for something
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: that they're struggling with and the drugs that they are given,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: and especially the fact that it was off label and
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: not approved, Like it's just fucking fucking rough world out
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: there anyway. So I'm really glad that got pulled in
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: nineteen ninety seven. But very interesting and if you've never
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: heard of it, now you have. Okay, let's get into
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: the episode of today where we're talking about, you know,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: things that are banking on your insecurities and how to
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: identify them and how to kind of step away from
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: it or avoid it altogether. First, let's talk about where
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: insecurities come from, because I think it rarely comes from
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: one place, because when you talk about someone being insecure,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: it could cover a whole bunch of different things. There
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: are some people that overall seem to be quite insecure
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: in themselves, and that could be they're just not confident
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: in who they are. They're not comfortable in their own skin.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: It could be in everything socially, in their ability is
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: in you know, they're shyed to speak and they don't
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: think they're going to say the right thing, and they
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: don't ever want to put themselves out there, and they
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: don't ever think they look good, and they're always turning
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: themselves down. There are people like that, but what you
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: probably would see more of is specific insecurities. You know,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: you might be really confident in what you do at work,
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: but there's certain things about your physical like physical traits
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: that you're really insecure about that you never want to
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: show off that you don't you've got to hide or
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: this or that. Or you might be really insecure about,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: you know, your abilities in something, but comfortable in other things.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: You might be really insecure socially, like you just feel
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: like you're not confident enough, you can't speak up, you
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: don't feel like you can hold a conversation or hold
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: the attention of someone or a group of people. So
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: it can come in different ways. So you could be
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: confident in one thing but still be insecure in another.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: It doesn't just because you're insecure in one thing doesn't
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: mean that you can't be really confident and really sure
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: of yourself in another. But these are roughly the categories,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: and they're not all the categories. This is just kind
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: of the ones. Number one body insecurity, So this is
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: like appearance, how your body might have changed through something,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: maybe after having a child, or maybe after severe weight
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: loss or severe weight gain, all encompassing. Number two relationship insecurity.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: So this is something like retroactive jealousy or overall jealousy
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: within your relationship. This could also be with jealousy towards friends.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Number three is your abilities, so in a skill, in studying,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: in work, with your focus, any kind of ability. And
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: number four is social insecurity. This obsessing over what other
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: people think. If you you're really scared to be judged,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: you're really scared to be rejected. You're constantly having this
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: need for people to like and accept you, and you're
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: terrified to kind of put one foot out of place.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: And if someone says a negative comment or something online,
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: it kind of like ruins your day. And then number five,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: which is kind of social as well. It kind of
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: is a subcategory of number four, but it's the kind
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: where you're constantly mind reading and presuming that something is
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: wrong with you as an answer when there is a gap. So,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: for example, if someone doesn't respond to your text, the
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: gap is you don't actually know why they didn't respond,
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: but your answer is going to be, well, it must
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: be because they're not interested in me, or it must
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: be because I said something wrong or xyzz. You fill
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: in the gaps and automatically presume it's something that's wrong
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: about you, and then it causes an insecurity or many insecurities,
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: and they stem from all sorts of things. Of course,
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: it could be your childhood, your upbringing. Comments that parents
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: can make to their kids they think is a throwaway line,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: but it could stay with the child forever, maybe about
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: their abilities, thinking that they're unintelligent, or something about their appearance,
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: societal expectations and standards. Of course, the dating scene and
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: rejection in the dating scene can really set off a
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: whole array of insecurities for certain people traumatic events such
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: as bullinging or neglect. And then, of course, which is
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: like a major one, is the the media landscape, which
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: is like ever evolving, so trends, social media, advertisement advertisements
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: a huge one because they're banking on your insecurity in
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: order for you to buy something. Now, it's not saying
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: you shouldn't go out there and buy beauty products and
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: do all these things, but you will see that a
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: lot of marketing companies are trying to make the individual insecure.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: So instead of saying you could buy this because it'd
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: be nice, they're saying you need to buy this because
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: if you don't, you're gonna look like fucking this right.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: I've even seen comments on social media of people saying, great,
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: now I've got something new to be insecure about. Like
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: remember when like the botox in people's like traps was
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: in so you would have those really like the Barbie
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: shoulders and people like That's something I've never even thought
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: of as something to be insecure about. Now I'm insecure.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: People like are always creating new trends and new looks,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: and something that never crossed your mind all of a
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: sudden you're thinking about and it's an insecurity, not for everyone,
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: but for certain people. But before I get into the
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: body of the episode, I want you to realize one
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: thing and think about this carefully as we go through
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: the rest of this episode. Your insecurities are yours. Okay,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: you have to own them. You have to know what
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: they are and own them because then you can choose
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: to work and evolve your way out of them. Keep
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: them as insecurities because you might feel like there's nothing
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: you can do about them or modify them. But no
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: one should be telling you what you are insecure about
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: or you know what you should be doing about your insecurity.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: You have to own them. And when you own them
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: and bring it to the surface, there's something that can
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: be done, or at the very least, it actually feels smaller,
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: it has less control over you. So every time I
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: mention anything about the insecurity, and you're probably thinking about
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: the one that you might have right now, it is yours.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: Don't let anyone tell you what you should be in
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: secure about or none of that. If we have insecurities,
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I mean, none of us want an insecurity, but don't
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: let someone you just roll in on social media who
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: don't even know being Like, have you ever thought about
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: putting motogus in your fucking traps? Like? Fuck? Oh, fuck
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: right off? Okay now, an insecurity is where you can't
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: accept part of yourself. Okay, you don't like that part,
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: and your sense of security is then affected. That's what
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: an insecurity is is where I no longer feel secure
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: and it is because of this thing. It is making
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: me feel like I am threatened. Either I won't be accepted,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: I will be laughed at, I will be looked at
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: or humiliated or rejected or you know, manipulated or something. Right,
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: But there's something where you lack security because of that thing,
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: and therefore it results in a reaction, and that reaction
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: can look different in every single post. And the reaction
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: could be you lashing out and saying something mean to
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: someone else than the spotlights on the other person, and
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: you feel like you've protected yourself, you're less vulnerable to
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: being hurt. Your reaction could be to retreat and become shyer,
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: to put yourself out there less, to not try. Your
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: reaction could be to do everything in your power to
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: change that thing. And you know it could be a
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: physical thing that you're like, well, now I have to
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: change that, or I have to get an operation, or
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: I have to whatever. So with an insecurity, there is
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: always a reaction, even if it feels like you haven't
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: taken action. The reaction might be I'm just retreating, I'm
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: pulling away. But the really important thing to note is
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: that you can have something that you might not love
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: or you might want to improve on, but still feel
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: really secure okay, And therefore it's not an insecurity. It's
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: just something that you're like, oh, yeah, I can change
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: that thing about me, or I want to work towards
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: changing it, or I don't love it, but it's not
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: really affecting me. So becoming secure is not about eradicating insecurities.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: That's what you have to focus on. I think a
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: lot of people think when I fix this, when I
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: change that, when I get rid of this, then I'll
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: be secure. But that's not what becoming secure is about.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: It's about feeling secure alongside these things that might not
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: be quite unquoite ideal and knowing how to live alongside it,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: or accepting it as part of who you are and
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: realizing that it doesn't really change who you are in
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: the bigger picture and then feeling comfortable about that. You
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: can have two people with the exact same thing. One
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: person it doesn't even cross their mind, and the other
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: person is just riddled with insecurities about it and it
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: really consumes a lot of their thoughts. Like a prime
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: example for me personally, and it's one that I've been
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: because I actually have asked people like to give me
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: different backhanded compliments and stuff that they've received, but one
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: of them is small boobs. I think it's I think
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: it's a fucking flex. I love my small boobs. I
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: love the fact that I own literally one bra and
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: it's a nude one for when I have to, But
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: I just never wear a bra. It's just fabulous. I
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: was breastfeeding, I actually didn't like the feeling of having
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: bigger boobs, so when they came back down to their
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: normal size, it was thrilled. It doesn't take away from
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: me genuinely thinking that big boobs actually look fabulous on
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: other people. I love the look of big boobs and
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: other people don't like it on me. Love small boobs,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: love them on me. But I've had people come up
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: to me like literal like people I've known for maybe
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: two or three encounters, and then they've said, you know,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: how do you carry yourself so confidently with such small
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: boobs like I? And that, to me, I don't take
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: that as like it's a backhanded compliment in a way,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: But at the same time, that to me just highlights, Wow,
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: this is a major insecurity for you, and it's kind
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: of being projected. I don't think it was ever meant
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: to be an insult or an attack, and I don't
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: take it that way because I actually really like the look.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: But here we are two individuals I'm actually really like
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: not only just okay with it, but loving life with them.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: And here's someone else being like, oh, how is this
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: person wearing like like a more open kind of top
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: and it's so obvious that her boobs are small. I
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: could never. I could never, And I'm like saving for
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: a boob job and say, but I'm like, and by
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: all means, get the fucking boo job if you want
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: love love that for you. But what I'm saying is
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: this is what insecurities are. It's something in your mind
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: that you determine has weight or doesn't have weight, And
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: of course you've got these external influences of people telling
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: you it does have weight, it does have Wait, I'm
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: not saying, oh' just change your mind, loll but it
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: is something that gets created either by our upbringing or
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: bullying or whatever. But it is something that is not
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: across the board. It's not if you think that small
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: boobs are bad. Not everyone thinks that. If you think
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: the shape of your nose is bad, not everyone thinks that.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: There are some people that will do everything to change
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: their nose, and someone else out there has the exact
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: same nose you have and is rocking it and looks
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: so fucking hot with it. So there's so many things
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: that you know you torture yourself abound, and there could
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: be someone with the exact same thing who a maybe
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: has never thought about it or be knows it and
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: quite enjoys it about themselves and carries it quite nicely.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Not that it should fucking matter anyway when we're talking
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: about appearance, by the way, but that's what I'm trying
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: to say. Look at the people that are most secure
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: within themselves. They're not the ones that are so called
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: like quote unquote flawless or perfect. And they're also not
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: the ones who are never criticized by others. They're the
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: ones that can live alongside these things and know that
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: people accepting them is separate to those things that they
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: can accept themselves and they are good enough and they
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: hold value regardless of these things. Okay, that's someone who's secure.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: We all know these people, these people, and it's this.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: They're comfortable in their own skin. Think of an example
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: or multiple examples of people in your life that are
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: just comfortable in their own skin. They're not phased, and
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: it's so refreshing, it's so nice to see that they
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: just don't really spend much time thinking about something that
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: could could be eating someone else alive. Right. And on
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: the other hand, you could look at someone who is,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: you know, considered like let's say these like these supermodels
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Victoria's Secret supermodels who are considered like hot by universal standards,
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: and most of them, well, I don't know about most
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: of them. I don't want to speak out of term
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: because I don't know these people individually, But there are
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: a lot of models out there that do scrutinize their
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: body the most because that's where the spotlight has been
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: and it has been open for others to have comments
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: and opinions on their body. So the more you open
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: it up for other people to be like that's good enough,
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: that's not good enough enough. So it's no wonder why
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: they're going to be insecure about certain things in their
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: body when the person next to and be like, insecure, but
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: your body is fucking perfect. You're like a fucking successful
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: international model. How can you even been thinking? But it's
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: it's because of where the spotlight is placed and how
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: much airtime you were giving that okay. And then on
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: the other hand, you've got people who are always striving
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: to fix these insecurities, especially if we're talking about physically,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: and it can in some cases lead to more insecurity.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: Not in all cases, but in some cases. You see
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: some people fix something in their face, fix in quotation
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: months and then oh maybe I'll get more. Oh maybe
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: I'll get more, Maybe I'll get more. And people say
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: it's because they get addicted. You're you're addicted to filler
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: or you're addicted. No, but for whatever reason they think
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: they need more, they think it's still not good enough.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: It's not I just love the feeling of having feeling
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: in my face. No, it's because they get addicted to
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: striving to reach an image that they think is then
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: going to make them feel the best in themselves. And
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: it's never ending. It just goes on, no, no, no, no on.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: And that's why I say not for all people. There
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: are some people that just say out just want a
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: little tweak and then they do it and they're like great,
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: love it, love it. So this episode is not intended
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: for you to like, don't change anything about yourself, but
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: it's intended for you to understand emotionally how you feel
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: about your insecurities and how to not let them override
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: your emotions in a way that makes you stop living
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: your life in a way where you can feel comfortable
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: in your own skin. So if you want to go
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: and get that surgery, if you want to go and
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: do the thing, you should feel free to do whatever
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: you want with your body if it's not hurting anyone else,
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: and ideally if it's not hurting you. But you've got
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: to be thinking about am I just doing something to
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: bow down to what everyone else has said? And is
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: it actually going to fix anything? That's the question you
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: want to be asking yourself, because you could just be like,
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: I just fucking want double d's and I'll be thrilled
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: with them and then love that for you. Okay, sense,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: So let's go through some key features for insecurities or
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: off insecurities that you could kind of look for and
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: see if you are doing this, Because when you can
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: understand what a key feature of insecurity is this is
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: more so socially and emotional with friends and stuff that
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking about, then it's going to
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: be easier for you to be like, Wow, the reason
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: I'm doing that is actually because I need to look
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: in into me and what's going on inside me. Some
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: people are so used to doing these behaviors that I'm
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: about to mention that they don't even identify this is
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: an insecurity. And once you can, then you pause and think,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: what is it that I'm not that doesn't sit well
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: with me? What am I uncomfortable about? And instead of
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: projecting maybe it's a little warning bell or a little alarm,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: just saying maybe you should look into this and ask
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: yourself why you feel this way. Number one the inability
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: to apologize, Like when you've actually done something wrong, don't
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: go apologizing and saying sorry left, right and center when
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: you haven't done something wrong, but it's you know, when
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: you know you've done something wrong, but you think, where
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: can I find a loophole? Because if I apologize, it
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: means that I'm a fucking idiot and they're going to
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: say gotcha, even though that's not the case normally when
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: people apologize. When someone apologizes to me, I'm like, oh,
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: how mature? Respect Like I Actually I like them even
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: more when they know how to apologize. But that's one
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: and inability to apologize ultimately because you see it as
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: a threat to who you are. Number two, bragging in
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: a way that tries to put you above someone else,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: like flex your wins by all means, but not at
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: the cost of needing to put someone down. At the
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: same time, I love it when people can really really
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: know what they're good at. I'm great at this, I'm
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: the best at that, and whatever. But don't do it
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: in a way where it's a comparison saying I'm better
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: than you at this because of whatever, where you're putting
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: someone down. That's not necessary and that actually doesn't You
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: think it makes you feel better about yourself, but all
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: you've done is try and make someone feel worse. So
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: in comparison, you think it's better, but you've just pushed
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: someone down. You haven't lifted yourself up. You're just in
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: the same place, same shitty place. Number three feeling the
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: need to always have an answer this. You're unable to
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: ever say I don't know, I don'tate the answer to that.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: You're right, it could be this thing. I'm not sure.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: We think that if we say I don't know, then
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: they're going to be like, you're an idiot. I give
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: an expose to You're a fucking idiot, And that's not it.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: No one says that. In fact, I actually think when
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: someone's able to say I don't know the answer to that,
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: it gives that person more credibility for the stuff that
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: they do know. If someone is comfortable to talk about
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: what they don't know, it doesn't open them up to
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: be like, wow, you don't know shit. It actually makes
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: me I think you must actually be quite confident in
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: what it is that you do know that you're comfortable
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: to say I actually don't know that, and it's really nice.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: Number four a backhanded compliment. I've got a whole list
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: of backhanded compliments coming up that you guys sent to me,
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: and they're unhinged but backhanded compliments. They need to undermine
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: someone when something goes well for them. You think, oh,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: I should compliment someone, but how can I do it
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: in a way that looks like a compliment. But I'm
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: also able to assert my dominance that they still have to,
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: you know, be insecure about something, or I still like
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: it doesn't work. I don't think anyone's received a backhanded
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: compliment and thought, oh, what a compliment. No, it doesn't work.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: When someone receives a backhanded compliment, they know what you're doing.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: They know what you're doing. So if you're out here
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: delivering backhanded compliments left right and center like it's fucking Christmas,
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: stop just stop. You'll feel better about yourself, trust me,
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: Just stop doing it. Number five, feeling like giving a
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: compliment or saying something nice without it being backhanded, like
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: just a real compliment is taking away from you. It's like,
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: let's say someone in your group is dressed up to
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: the nines and they're just looking like unreal. When you
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: go out for dinner as a group of friends in
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: your thinking, oh my god, if I compliment on their looks,
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: then it's going to make Then it's going to be
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: like as if I don't look as good, so I'm
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: not gonna say anything about how good they look because
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: I don't look as good. Or if someone does really
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: great work and you feel like maybe you didn't put
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: as much effort in and their work this time around
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: was just brilliant, you don't want to compliment them because
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: you think, but if I compliment them, then everyone's going
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: to be like, well, they're amazing, and then I'm going
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: to be less amazing. It's that feeling of competitiveness. And
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: then last one, number six. There's way more than these,
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: but these are the top ones. Is mind reading and
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: thinking that every reaction is personal, thinking that someone ignoring
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: you is a personal stab at you instead of maybe
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: they would actually just distract it. If someone not replying
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: someone saying no, I don't want to go out on
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: a date, it's not because you are a fucking piece
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: of shit. It's probably because you just don't that you
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: just don't align, and it's not something that is negative
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: about you. It's just that it's not a positive alignment. Now,
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: before I go into my steps of what you can
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: do about it to start changing how your insecurities impact
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: your overall well being and mental health and happiness in
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: life and all the things. Let that's go over. I
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: think it's like twenty six backhanded compliments that my beans
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: have sent in, and as you guys probably know, they're
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: fucking unhinged. They all like, can people calm down? Like
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: the general public is doing way too much and is
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: fucking out of control when it comes to these backhanded compliments. Okay,
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: Number one, you do'nate much for a big girl. Number two,
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: that dress suits you. It covers all your flaws. Number three,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: you look healthier, skinnier. Number four, you don't sweat much
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: for a big girl. Number five, Wow, your daughter's so beautiful.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: Your husband must be incredibly attractive. Number six you'd be
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: so much hotter if you had straight teeth. Seven your
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: legs look ok hay with those kind of shoes. Eight
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: you were submissive like a golden retriever. Nine you look
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: so much better now with bangs. Ten you look great
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: now that you lost weight. I feel like there's a
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: lot of boomer energy going around here with the weight
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: lost chart. But anyway, eleven, I admire your confidence when
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: you were so bad at that thing before. Number twelve,
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: I wish I could not give a shit like you.
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: Number thirteen, you carry your heights so well. If I
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: had that hid, i'd be so insecure. Fourteen I mentioned
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: my weight to someone and they said, wow, you're like
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: a balloon. You look big, but you weigh little. Fifteen
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: you don't look gay? Whatever the fuck that is? That
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: was that? What is that? Sixteen? If you lost ten kilos,
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: you could be a model. Seventeen you traveled so much
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: do you even have a job? Eighteen you're really hot
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: for a deaf chick. Nineteen you haven't changed. Twenty I
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: find you intimidating. Twenty one my ex wouldn't call me
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: beautiful and would say to me it's because, quote, you
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: already know you are twenty two, well, you can't be
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: beautiful and smart. Twenty three that I didn't smell like curry.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: Twenty four I always called myself fat, but I wouldn't
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: call you fat, and we look the same. Twenty five
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: you look pretty except when you smile. And twenty six
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: this is fucking unhinged. You are the strongest person I know,
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: so you will be okay In brackets When my ex
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: walked out on me mid pregnancy, so obviously people are
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: fucking unhinged, and they're try and give these backhanded compliments,
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: and it's in a way to kind of still say
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: something hurtful or do something hurtful, but then try and
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: like put a positive spin on it anyway. So what
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: can you do about it? There's so many things that
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: can be done, but let's just go through the key
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: ones that I have here listed for you. Number one,
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: don't try and hide what others try to use against you.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: Whenever you try and hide something about yourself, blatantly something
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: about you, people that are not like that, don't have
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: your best interest at heart and don't actually care for
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: you are going to be like, that's a pain point.
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna kind of use that to manipulate you, to
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: control you, to make you either feel vulnerable or attacked,
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: or to retreat or to back down. If you can
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: own and acknowledge your so called flaws or your maybe
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: weaknesses might be something else you could call it. It's
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: something that you're not ashamed of, it loses its power completely.
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: So if you let's talk about a skill set. Let's
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: say you're new at something and you pretend that you're
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: really good at something, and you, oh, no, but I'm
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: fond of. Then people can try and look for holes.
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: People that are like assholes can try and look for
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: holes in your work or this or that and try.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: But you could say, you know what, I'm actually not
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: really strong at this, So I'm gonna learn as much
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: as I can of this team. You guys are gonna
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: be great teachers for me. I'm gonna learn. You know,
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: my skill set's normally in this, but I need to
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: learn more on this, so I might be asking for
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: some help. I might be asking it. No one can
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: use that against you now because you've just literally said it.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: If it's something that other people might laugh at you,
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: maybe you've got a hobby that people normally find a
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: bit nerdy or dorky or whatever, you can own it
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: straight away saying I'm a big fan of doing this.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: I'm a bit like instead of like, oh they hide
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: behind closed doors that they engage in that weird ass hobby,
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: it's something that you just talk about and you're like, oh, yeah,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: some people find it weird. I don't. It's something I like,
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: and you just you can talk about it openly. When
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: you bring things to light as something that you are
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: not ashamed of, whether it's something strange about yourself, whether
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: it's a weakness, whether it's whatever, something that people would
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: normally try and use against you. You say, already know
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: this exists, and I'm actually okay with it. Whether I'm
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: working to change it, working to improvement, or not at all,
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: it's something that sits well with me, then there's not
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: much that people can do. It kind of silences them.
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: For the most part. You have to know when someone
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: is trying to use your insecurities against you to get
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: something out of you, because if you don't identify it
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: and then you can fall for it, all right, You're
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: gonna feel shitter about yourself in the process, and someone
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: or something else wins, and then you lose in the
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: way of your relationship with yourself and how comfortable you
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: feel in your own skin. Number two, focus on things
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: that you have earned. When you focus on things you've earned,
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: you're not focusing on these smaller quote unquote like external
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: insecurity things because a lot of the things that we
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: are insecure about is subjective. It's not objective, okay, So
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: think about things that you have earned in your life
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: that really build on who you are, that have formed
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: who you are as in your identity. Look at the people,
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: like I was saying at the start of the episode,
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: that are really comfortable in their skin. Often they're comfortable
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: in their skin because they know what they bring to
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: the table. They know they you know, they're a good
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: fucking time, they're a great friend, they're fucking funny, or
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: they're reliable, or they're just like relaxed, or they love
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: what they do. Let's say they're really into their hobbies
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: and it just brings them so much and they don't
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: get tangled up in this other kind of external fluff.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: So really know what you have earned, which is similar
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: to number three, which is know where you provide value. Okay,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: put the focus on the value that you provide in life,
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: whether it's to the world, to other people, to your career,
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: to animals, to whatever. But we all provide value. And
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: if you can really lean into that and focus on
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: the value that you provide, then you're going to start
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: to feel more comfortable in your own skin. If that's
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: where the focus is, Okay, then the next one is
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: become acutely aware of when you are potentially hurting someone
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: to protect yourself from being hurt. This is really really
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: going to help you kind of bring those insecurities to light,
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: Like when I was talking about those backhanded compliments, and
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: when I was talking about like things to look out
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: for the key features like inability to apologize or like
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: bragging in that puts someone down or you know, obviously
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: you know, feeling like you can't give a compliment and
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: things like that. I think it's just get really good
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: at when you are doing that, and also when someone
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: is doing that to you, because it's a clear indicator
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: that they have an insecurity that they have not worked
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: through and that is why they're behaving that way. I
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: can guarantee you someone who is really comfortable in their
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: own skin does not go out of their way to
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: try and pull someone down. They only try and pull
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: someone down if that person is being an actual fuck
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: wit and needs to be pulled down a few pegs
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: because they're carrying on like a dickhead. But they're not
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: going out of their way to try and make someone
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: feel worse about themselves when they're just mining their own business.
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: A secure person doesn't do that. And then lastly number four,
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: I think number five, identify the trap. You need to
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: see this trap coming and get really stingy with what
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: it is that you're going to entertain in your life.
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: Social media is obviously a huge one. Okay, what are
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: you fin following? Why are you following these people? What
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: is it bringing to the table. Are you following someone
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: that always makes you feel shit about yourself? Maybe mute them,
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: unfollow them to you know, what kind of brands do
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: you follow? Ones that make you feel really good about yourself?
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: When you see this stuff, you're like, oh, oh ones
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: that I need to fix this and I to change that,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: I need to do something differently. I can't do that.
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: I can't be doing this. Okay, You've got to Like,
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: for example, I look at how some influencers online or
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: just like media personalities really lean in and engage with
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: their trolls, and a lot of the time they say
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: that the reason that they do that is because, oh, well,
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: negative comment or positive comment, it's great for like clout right,
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: it just pushes you up in the algorithm and you're
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: gonna get way more engagement and all this cloud. And
• 40:47
  Speaker 1: so you've see these people get more and more clout
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: clout clout cloud. But you're also seeing them itself like
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: admittedly talk about the decline in their own mental health.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: So all well and good for you to have all
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: this fucking clout, but at what cost? At what cost
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: you're engaging with all these trolls, These people are attacking you,
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: you're fighting back, and then your consolation prize is that
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: you're getting more clout, Like, at what point have we
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: gotten to in life where we're looking at clout as
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: a trade off for having peace of mind. It's actually
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: morbid if you think about it, what we have deemed
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: to be normal in today's day and age. And it's
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: hard to really e gauge when people say our mental
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: health's gotten so much worse, or is it that we're
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: just talking about it more? But one thing that we
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: can say is that there's clear things that are happening
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: to negatively impact our mental health as a community, as
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: a society. That could be you know that with something
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: can be done pretty easily, but it's just the norm
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: not to do that. And then you lean into these
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: things and we value certain things so high that we
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: put it above our peace of mind and our sanity
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: and our mental health. It's pretty sad, is how I
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: put it. I'm all for, you know, using social media
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: and having all the whatever, but when people use it,
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: knowing well that it's affecting their mental health, but still thinking, oh, well,
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: at least I got this out offit, or at least
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: I got clout or at least my popularity group. What
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: good is having all this popularity if you are suffering
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: inside your head? It's not worth it. And I think
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: this is why we're starting to say, I mean, I
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: could do an entire episode on like this. There's starting
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: to be a bit of an exodus on social media
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: and people starting to really back out and pull away
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: and have less and less and less effort. I've seen
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: people deleting their accounts or at least deactivating or just
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: being on it way less, and it kind of makes sense.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: I guys, I've fully deactivated in my TikTok temp well
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: maybe temporarily, we'll see, just because I'm like, I don't
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: need two apps to be watching very similar shit, so
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: I'm down to one now and I've never had like
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: Twitter or x which is probably a good thing. Anyway,
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: as usual, I'm going off topic, but let's kind of
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: get back into other things that you can be doing. Again.
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: Sorry to blame social media, but it is to blame
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: for a couple of things, Not everything, but a couple
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: of things, this indefinite scrolling. Just be more intentional with
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: your time. You are going to feel so much better
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: about yourself when you are intentional with your time. Even
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: if you decide, you know what, I'm just gonna do
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: a puzzle for thirty minutes while listening to my favorite
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: playlist of music. You're going to feel so much better
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: doing that than scrolling indefinitely okay, because it's not draining
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: you and depleting parts of your mind and your dopamine
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: and also making you feel emotionally exhausted like doing something else.
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: So when I say being intentional with your time, you
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: don't have to be doing like working your ass off
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: in the hustle. I don't actually think that that's healthy either.
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: But choose to do something that's going to be kind
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: to yourself. Okay, so this infinite scrolling, Find another random
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: hobby that you can be doing that's actually really entertaining
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: and fun, rewatch your favorite season of whatever. Just do
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: something that's going to be a bit kinder and gentler
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: to your mind. You are going to feel better in
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: your skin, and the better you can feel about yourself,
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: the better you can, the better mood you can be in,
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: the less insecurities you're going to have because you start
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: to mend that relationship with yourself. And again, like I said,
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: there's certain things that are you know, brought on from
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: in your childhood, maybe things that you were told. I'm
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: not saying it's a sure fire way to fix everything.
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: It's not that simple, but it's definitely going to make
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: you start feeling better, especially if your insecurities are based
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: on comparing yourself to other people and this you know,
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: crazy standard of you know, what you should be doing
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: with your life or how you should look like and whatever,
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: and we've got suits. It's too accessible to look at
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: how other people are living their life, and that can
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: actually make you feel quite insecure about certain things about
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: your life. So let's get rid of that, or the
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: very less reduce it. Then I want you to ask yourself,
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: are you following a trend for the sake of the
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: trend or does it actually spark joy in you to
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: follow that trend? If you love it, do it. But
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: there's certain things that sometimes we get swept up in
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: just because everyone else is doing it and it's not
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: that great and we don't really love it that much,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: you know, So just just think about that, think about
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: things that drain you or that you're just not that into.
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: You don't have to do everything that your friends are doing.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: You don't have to do all these things. When you
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: start listening to yourself and say, you know what, I
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: love all these things, but this is the one thing
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: I'm just I can't get my head around. I just
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: can't get into it, and I'm just not going to
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: be on trend for that thing. And it's it's actually okay.
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: And you start to honor yourself and you start to
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: back yourself in little things, and then it becomes easier
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: to back yourself in bigger things and to own all
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: these aspects about yourself, your likes, your dislikes, your hobbies,
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: things that might be a bit awkward or embarrassing. It
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: starts to become, you know, a nice part of you
• 46:01
  Speaker 1: that you can be proud of. And then another thing,
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: when someone says something to you where they're like a
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: backhanded compliment, where they're clearly trying to put you down,
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: highlight it. Let it be known that you know, and
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: you don't have to be mean about it. It's not
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: a battle on who can put the other person down more.
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: It's just saying can you repeat yourself, or it's saying
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: something like I'm not quite sure what you mean by that,
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: so could you clarify? It just gives the other person
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: an opportunity to kind of pull themselves up, and you
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: actually are doing them a favor, especially if you're not
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: going on the attack. Sometimes giving someone an awkward moment
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: in life is a gift because it allows them to reflect.
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: There are so many people out there who have no
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: fucking clue how rude or how mean they're being, just
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: because they're trying to protect themselves. So yes, be sympathetic
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: in the sense that you don't want to jump down
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: their throats, attacking them or getting on the defensive, but
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: just gently be pulling them up, saying, I'm just wanting
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: to know that I've understood what you're saying clearly, So
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: do you mind repeating yourself or I'm not quite sure
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: what you mean by that? Can you explain that? And
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: then when they then they kind of start to scramble
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: because you're the one now who's shedding light on this
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: kind of behavior, and then they're less likely to do
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: that to you again. But they're also less likely to
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: do it to other people, and sometimes it allows them
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: to think, why am I doing this in the first place.
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: It's actually not a nice thing, and it's made them
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: realize that people notice when they do it. So that is,
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: in a nutshell, what I wanted to be talking about,
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: being able to identify when it's happening, where it's coming from.
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: What are little things that you can be doing to
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: kind of protect yourself, not in a way of putting
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: your walls up, but in a way of preempting things
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: and knowing how to deal with insecurities that exist, really
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: own them. And then when you own them, you can
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: make that decision. Am I going to keep it because
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: it's something that just can't change and I'm going to
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: learn to just live with it and maybe eventually like it,
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: or maybe just learn to live with it because no
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: one's perfect, Or am I is it something that I
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: can change? And am I willing to change? And is
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: it something that will be an okay thing to change
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: and it will be a pleasant experience to change that thing?
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: You're able to do something with it if you really
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: own these insecurities and you say this is part of me,
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: this is part of my journey, and I I'm taking
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: a snapshot of where I am in my life with
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: these insecurities. How can I evolve with or without them? Okay,
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: now let's get into that final listener question, which kind
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: of ties in perfectly. Hi Alexis. Firstly, I just want
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: to say that you've changed my life and I'm forever,
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: forever grateful for your wisdom and intelligence. Love you so
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: much and thank you, Thank you. I don't think you've
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: covered this topic before, but it's something I've been seeking
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: advice on for a while. My best friend and I
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: are very similar in terms of our education, careers, friends, interests,
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: and I sometimes feel like she's subtly jealous of me,
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: if you for ow other friends consense this as well.
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: On the surface, she seems to be competitive with people
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: who are just a successful career, education wise, with boys,
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: and particularly appearance and thinness. In person, she'll be kind
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: and supportive, but I can always tell that she's a
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: little bit jealous when I tell her of my successes,
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: and I specially feel this if I tell her over text.
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: I feel like she needs to be the absolute best
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: at something, the most gorgeous in the room, and all
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: things similar, but thinks that if I'm one of those
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: things in a particular moment, then she's less amazing and
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: then wants to take it from me. That's exactly what
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: I was talking about. Crazy. I also find it hard
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: as I'm so supportive of her at all times. I
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: quite loudly for her, and I make sure she knows it,
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: but it isn't always reciprocated. I sense her competitiveness and
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: sometimes annoyance when I'm doing well. Aside from these subtle feelings,
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: she is an amazing friend in general. I'd really like
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: to learn how to approach these kinds of friendship dynamics.
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: I still love her so much and I want her
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: in my life, but also really want to rise past
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: this behavior and not let it upset me. I really
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: try not to engage with it, but it does make
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: me feel extremely anxious and a little bit sad at times.
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: I also feel irritated by it occasionally, as I see
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: it as a behavior that most people stop doing after
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: high school. But essentially my questions are one, how do
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: I mitigate this from happening? Is there a mindset I
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: can adopt? My therapist suggested compassion that will help me quote,
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: ignore it and move past it. Two is there anything
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: I might be doing to contribute to this dynamic? I
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: don't believe there is, but I'm very open to hearing
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: all possibilities in case I'm being ignorant to something. Three.
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: I know it's not my job to change anything, but
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: is there any support I could give to her to
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: help her learn that she doesn't have to be this
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: competitive with people and that people's successes can coexist. Thank
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: you so so much if you read this. I really
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: admired and appreciate everything you do. You are phenomenal. That
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: is literally the perfect tie into this entire episode. So
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: great questions based on what you've told me. Let's answer
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: number two. First, I don't think that there is anything
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: that you are doing to contribute to this dynamic. Intentionally,
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: just you being yourself and being successful is contributing to
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: her feeling that way, But that's not something that you
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: can control or help, nor should it be anything that
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: you would change. So no, I don't think there's anything
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: that you are being ignorant about, especially because you did
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: say that you are one to celebrate her and make
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: sure that she knows it, and that's just the kind
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: of person that you are, and you're happy to do that.
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: You also do acknowledge that if someone is very successful
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: in their own right, it doesn't take away from you.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: And if someone is super gorgeous or the most gorgeous
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: one in that night, it doesn't take away from who
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: you are and your beauty. Now, how number one question
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: number one? How do you mitigate this from happening? There
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: is a mindset that you can adopt, and I think
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: your therapist is very right in suggesting compassion because we're
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: looking at it from the lens of this is an insecurity.
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: It is a projection of what's going on in her head.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: So instead of thinking, oh, everything's peachy, she's actually just
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: out to get you, it's not the case. She's out
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: to get you, so she's confirming something in her head.
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: It's not because she's trying to consciously hurt you. She's
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: just trying to make herself feel that she's still good enough. Okay,
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: this competitive behavior, this I need to pull you down
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: in order to pull me up. It's rarely an actual
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: attack trying to hurt you, because people do it with
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: really close friends. It is just their deep insecurities about
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: maybe not being good enough. Maybe all of her validation
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: or the way that she feels validated, is external, and
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: it's probably maybe really difficult to validate herself, so she
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: needs to get it from the external. And when she's
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: around people that are just as successful and you know,
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: competitive in a healthy way as her or just as beautiful,
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: then it's really hard for her to be getting that validation.
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: You know'd be a lot easier and she'd be less challenged.
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: If she was around people who she thought she was,
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: you know, way smarter than a way more successful, or
• 52:52
  Speaker 1: had progressed a lot further in her career than her peers,
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: he would probably she just wouldn't be as challenged. But
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: I can still guarantee you those insecurities would still exist.
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: It's something that needs to be looked at, and it's
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: something that needs to kind of be worked through and processed.
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: So as far as how do you change your mindset
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: around that, I think that compassion is really good. And
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: I also think that just that gentle reminder of as
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: much as it feels like a personal stab, this is
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: a massive projection on what's currently going on in her head.
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: She's struggling to validate herself, and she needs it externally,
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: and I represent kind of a possibility for her that
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: she's not going to get that validation when it really
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter from the outside. You would know that because
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: you're the one who's always telling her, no, it's okay,
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: like your great congratulations. Did you know? When you start
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: to celebrate other people's wins and you get better and
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: better and better at doing it, then eventually you start realizing, actually,
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: I gain a lot when I celebrate my friend's wins
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: because their win is my win. It brings us closer,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: It makes us, it makes our friendship and our bond stronger. Okay.
• 53:57
  Speaker 1: So the last one, and probably the hardest question, is
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: is there any support you could give her to learn
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: that she doesn't have to be this competitive with people?
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: It depends if she's open to having a conversation about this.
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: I think if she is a close friend. It's hard,
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: it's hard to kind of talk about it, but it's
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: worth it if you think that she would be receptive
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: to it, the very least talking about it. So I
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: would speak to her about it if the opportunity arose
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: just between the two of you. I would never do
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: this in front of someone else, because you don't want
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: to come across as if you're trying to humiliate her
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: in front of other people, something that it's just the
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: two of you. Maybe when after she writes a text message,
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: you could then do it in writing, but you could
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: say I sometimes feel that it's difficult for you to
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: really celebrate my wins in the way that I celebrate
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: my wins. I know you want the best for me.
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: I know that you do love me and wear great friends,
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: but I wonder if maybe when I do well, you
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: think that you're not doing well, which is not the case.
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: Do you understand where I'm coming from. Does any of
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: this resonate with you? It's something that you just open with.
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: And if she says, I don't know what you're talking about, no,
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: it's not, then I think regardless, she actually will know
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: what you're talking about. But I think she will kind
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: of back down with that kind of behavior and maybe
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: at the very least have a look at what she's
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: been doing. And then even if she has to pretend
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: to celebrate your wins, she will actually start to realize
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: that it doesn't hurt her to do it. So even
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: if she's like, oh, yeah, no, it's fine, and then
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: she's like, Okay, well I can't do that anymore. I
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: can't behave like that. I'll just pretend and I'll celebrate
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: her wins and then behind closed doors. But it kind
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: of works both ways because she will start to realize
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: she does not lose out ever by celebrating your wins.
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: She does not lose out by complimenting you on how
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: you dressed up and how you scrub up for an
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: event or something like that. And the best case scenario
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: is that she would be receptive saying, yeah, I noticed
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: that I do that. I notice that I do that,
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: and thank you for me up on that. It's something
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: that she might open up as to why she does that,
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: but I think regardless, and it might be easy for
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: you to do it in writing, and like you said,
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: in text messages is where it's most obvious. So this
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: is a good opportunity for you to reply with a
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: very loving but direct message, really really nail what's going
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: on and don't beat around the bush, really call it
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: for what it is in a loving, caring way and
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: saying I know you're not trying to be mean. I
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: know these things, but this is how it's coming across
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: guys that is all for today's episode. Thank you so
• 56:34
  Speaker 1: much for sending in that listener question, great question. I
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: hope that you were able to take something from it.
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: I hope it made you feel a little bit more
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: in control, a little bit more empowered. Like I said this,
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: you can't cover every single insecurity, and some insecurity is
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: going to be something that's easier to manage than others.
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: Some have been with you for your entire life, and
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: it sits with you for a whole lot longer, and
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: of course it's going to be make it a lot harder.
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: And it's not about deleting these insecurities either. It's about
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: understanding that in order to be comfortable with your own
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: in your own skin, it's not about eliminating every insecurity.
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: It's about knowing that there's things in you that maybe
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: you're not so sure about, or maybe that you don't love,
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: but you can still be comfortable in your own skin.
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: You can still say I am worthy of just being
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: confident in who I am and showing up as the
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: person I am because I add value and I and
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: I've earned all these things in my life. I've worked
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: for these great relationships, I've worked for my career or
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: my happiness of the life that I have now. I
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: just really hope that this episode has at the very
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: least pointed you in the direction of starting to feel
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: like you can you can get there, You can get
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: to that place, or you can start working towards getting
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: to that place. Anyway, Love you guys so much. Hopefully
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: you enjoyed that this came out on a Tuesday. You didn't, well,
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: we'll all come around to the fact that it's coming
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: out on a Tuesday. Thank you for being patient with me.
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. As always, remember be kind
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain, and don't take
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: A duncan